


Our Eyes Were Full of Stars

by mismatched_ideas



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Adventure, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Space, Angst, Blood, Broken Bones, Disappearances, Explosions, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Guns, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, Knives, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Needles, Other, Search and Rescue, Secrets, cursing, head injuries, injuries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-01 13:47:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 215,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13296168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mismatched_ideas/pseuds/mismatched_ideas
Summary: Yuuri had always imagined that if he ever explored the universe, it would be with the love of his life by his side. So far, though, this journey had mostly involved hitchhiking and couchsurfing. Now, he's been picked up by the crew of The Potya, a band of young space explorers who Yuuri can't decide whether or not to trust.On a journey through space to the edge of the known universe in search of his lost love, Yuuri and the crew of The Potya will meet new faces, learn new things, and fight the universe to find a single person.





	1. I Never Asked to Fly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I've been working hard on this fic and it isn't done, per say, but it's all planned and the first three chapters are full written (as well as 11 other chapters). It's already the longest thing I've written and I think it'll end up being around 150K words (I can't fathom that number) and it's around half written.
> 
> I'll go into more about tagging, relationships, rating, and stuff like that in the end notes so if you don't want to start this without knowing more about that stuff then skip down there. 
> 
> I'll be updating the first Sunday (Japan time) of every month for now, but I might up that to twice a month (every other Sunday) if I feel like my writing is coming along fast enough. My biggest problem now is that I'm not done with ch4 and until I finish that, I don't want to post too fast. There's a small choice it'll be upped to every week but that is only if I finish a few more chapters soon. For someone who usually writes 2K words chapters, having chapters that average 5K words is tough for me. 
> 
> Thank you for clicking in here and I hope you enjoy this first chapter!

Every time he woke up, there was the same moment of jarring confusion where he thought he was still home, in bed, next to the love of his life. Then the confusion would fade and he'd realized he was on another uncomfortable bed, if he was lucky, with his backpack held close to his chest.

Today, whatever that word meant anymore, was no different from any of the others. He was lucky enough to not woken to anything strange or dangerous this time around. Usually, he tried not to sleep when he hitchhiked — somehow couchsurfing on random planets seemed safer than hitchhiking and couchsurfing at the same time — but he hadn't slept in what felt like days. It might not have even been a full day without sleep but he had lost track of days early into his journey.

Journey felt too grand to explain whatever this trip could be called but it wasn't like he had a better idea of what to say this was. Trip was too calming, too lackadaisical. Adventure was not only too grand but also too positive for his taste.

Maybe he'd call this a search and rescue, not that he was sure there was anyone at the end of his journey to rescue. So just a search then.

He'd lost track of his days about two planets in his search and he was starting to think he was going to lose track of himself at this rate. He was pretty sure they were about to land on his ninth planet if you didn't count the planet he'd called home for the past few years. He missed his true home, the one where his family was, but he'd learned that no matter how far he was from them, as long as Viktor was next to him he'd always have a piece of home. So, for as much as Gallia never felt quite like home, he'd always been comfortable because he knew he'd fall asleep looking at the love of his life and, eventually, he'd wake up to the same sight.

Until he hadn't.

Now he barely knew who he was, he wasn't completely sure where he was half the time, and he definitely didn't know what home felt like anymore. He was lonely but the only cure to his loneliness was on the other side of the universe, thus the search and rescue. 

"Freeloader!" One of the crew shouted. "We're landing in five. This is where you get off."

"I know." He raised a hand in thanks. "That was the deal."

Soon he'd be on IRHP-72 if his map was right, a planet he knew little about. To be fair, he knew very little about the planets outside of his home's general vicinity. The farthest he'd been was to Lourel for his honeymoon. It had been a beautiful planet and made him understand the flightiness his husband had always displayed, since the moment they'd met.

Viktor had always had an airiness to him that drove a lot of people away. But not him, no, he was only drawn to Viktor more by his flightiness. He just wanted to know more about the beautiful airhead who was smarter than he looked and just about the kindest man in the universe.

The ship shuddered and finally landed, the large bay doors opening slowly.

"Now get out of here, before we call the cops!" A crewman shouted, obviously unhappy that they'd been tricked into giving a penniless hitchhiker a ride. They'd be even more annoyed to know the hitchhiker wasn't penniless at all, just really good at pretending.

"Thanks for the ride," He called. "Good luck to you all."

Then he took a step onto IRHP-72, a planet in a Galaxy called IRG-63 where it looked to him like it always rained. It was raining now and he cursed his bad luck, he'd sold his umbrella three galaxies ago for a meal after he'd convinced the innkeeper that it was a good luck charm from his home planet.

Based on the information his map was giving him, IRG-63 seemed like a relatively normal Inner Region Galaxy. One habitable planet, which had been terraformed generations ago during The Second Colonization. The cluster he was from hadn't been colonized until The Fifth Colonization, with only the farthest reaches of The Universe having been colonized during the relatively recent Sixth Colonization. Some people said the current colonization should be considered a seventh wave but the sixth had never really ended, it was pushing too far that it was slow going but it had never really, truly ended.

"Hey, you." A voice caught his attention and he found himself face-to-face with a mountain of a man who was wearing an unsettling grin. "If you don't stop spacing out, someone is liable to take advantage of you."

He returned the man's grin with one of his own, feeling tired and not in the mood for this. "I'd like to see them try."

When he and Viktor first met, the situation had been so similar to this one. He'd walked up on a scene of a man completely spaced out, only to have two bigger men attempt to mug him. The silver-haired man had smiled at their knife, hands in his pockets, and proceeded to pick the knife away before kicking both men in the jaws.

"Just trying to be helpful," The man said, obviously lying about his helpfulness. But, obviously, he'd been deterred and left to find someone else to bother.

With a sigh, he turned and started down the row of docked ships asking where each was going and if they'd take him.

"Only cargo."

"No room for hitchhikers."

"We don't care for you Outer types."

"We're headed south, sorry."

"Oh, you're looking for a ride." This person had foul breath and was standing too close. "We might be able to help you out, sweet pea. The question is, how can you help us?"

This person's ship looked solidly built but old. An old retired explorer model from the third or fourth colonizations that wouldn't be all that fast but seemed well kept. All he had to do was keep himself safe for the duration of the trip and then–

"Don't let them sweet talk you," A voice shouted.

"Huh?" He turned, feeling like today was a strange day. Under this new voice's gaze, he suddenly felt less like a face in the crowd.

She was younger than him, with red hair tied up in a high ponytail that showed off her undercut. She wore a sleeveless shirt that showed off her impressively muscled arms. Despite her youth, she stood with the confidence of someone who spent their life rarely being challenged by anything or anyone. She was holding an umbrella and after a moment of everyone staring at each other, she walked over to the two men, holding it over the shorter one.

"Why don't you come see a real ship, not this old junker?" She eyed the tall man. "And why don't you come meet a crew that's not a bunch of sleazeballs?"

"Bitch, what are you saying about me and my crew?" The man took a step towards her but she didn't move, waiting for him to take another step before moving quickly to send him to the ground and into the mud.

"You're a sloppy fighter with no confidence in your own ship." She spit on him, her face a sneer. "You're all disgraces to the sky."

She grabbed her new friend by the arm and pulled him away while he was still too stunned to resist.

"I can't believe you were thinking about taking him up on that ride." She shook her head. "You're not very smart but I guess that's what I should expect from some outer bumpkin, right?"

"I'm not an idiot," He defended. "I was perfectly aware of the dangers they posed to me."

"Fine, whatever, I saved you from having to deal with that." She paused then smiled at him. "Where are my manners? My mama would shout at me if she knew how rude I was being. My name’s Mila."

"Nice to meet you."

"Likewise." She looked at him for a long time but he still didn't speak so, finally, she continued. "You have a name?"

"Me?" He blinked, it had been so long since anyone asked him his name.

"Yah, you. The only person I'm talking to."

"Oh, sorry." He shook his head, feeling that strange detachment he'd felt since he woke up alone for the first time finally lift slightly. "My name is Yuuri."

She laughed. "Oh, you have to come back to the ship with me, this is going to be hilarious."

"What is?"

"Just wait and see." Mila gave him a mischievous smile. "Now, where are you going? Let's see if we can't arrange something for you."

"I'm going west," Yuuri told her cryptically. "I'll go as far as you'll take me."

"We don't have anywhere to be in particular so I think I can convince The Captain to consider a westward direction." Mila smiled and threw the arm not holding the only thing between them and being drenched – well, it was too late for Yuuri on that point – gesturing at a new looking ship. "Welcome to our little slice of heaven."

"What?" Yuuri looked at Mila, confused as to what was going on. "This is a government explorer ship. I'd say a 700 series at that."

"Close, but nope," Mila said, looking at the ship and not Yuuri. "Decommissioned 600 series." She finally turned to smile at Yuuri, her eyes closed as if she still didn't want to look at him. Maybe Yuuri was just paranoid. "What? Afraid we stole it?"

"Kind of," Yuuri admitted. "Where'd you get it?"

"Auction. Once the 700 series was fully launched, they didn't need these old things anymore. Old GE0612 cost them a fortune to build, only to have her be thrown away at the first moment."

"Please tell me you don't call her GE0612." Yuuri raised an eyebrow at the young woman.

"Of course, we don't call her that." Mila rolled her eyes, pointing above the open bay doors. "Can't you see the name right there?"

The name looked like it had been written with paint and a neat hand, not the usual for a government ship. Then again, if they were telling the truth about it’s origins, the name was probably a new edition. Yuuri knew government ships had names but they were usually named after people or places. And they were usually not handpainted onto the side of the ship. The weirdest thing was the fact that the ship didn’t seem to have an official, albeit decommissioned, name anywhere on it. Not even a spot that looked painted over.

"The Potya?" 

"Ask The Captain." Was her only response. "Now, let's go see if we can't get you a little ride on the cushiest spaceship in the 600 series?"

"Sounds good, I guess." Yuuri was still a little on edge. Partly because Mila seemed too nice and partly because he wasn't sure he believed her story about this being a 600 series, and an early one at that. It was too new, too shiny, too perfect to be 612. But what did he know? Maybe they just had a good mechanic.

"First, I'll introduce you to our pilot and mechanic. They'll be good backup when we talk to the navigator. But once we have them all on your side, The Captain will have to help you."

"Umm, let's slow down." Yuuri paused, rain falling on him as Mila kept moving for a few more feet. "I'm not trying to bother you guys. This is my ninth planet, I'm not looking for charity. I just need a ride and a bed. And honestly, the bed is optional."

"You're not a bother." Mila didn't move to put Yuuri back under the umbrella. "Nothing fun ever happens on this ship, I swear, and we haven't had a real job in forever. This will at least give us a destination. Where were you thinking about going?"

"As far west as you'll take me."

"We are planning to make a small stopover at The Minsque Cluster but after that, I think our plan was to head west anyway. Do you have any skills? You could be a good temporary member of our crew."

"You said it yourself," Yuuri laughed bitterly, "I'm just an outer bumpkin. I don't have any skills to offer you."

"I doubt that." Mila shrugged. "But if you really don't want to come, you don't have to. If you've made it this far on your own I'm sure you'll be fine but I'm also sure you have to have some skills."

Yuuri laughed, the sound still bitter but also a little shaky this time. "Unless you need someone to identify ship models, then you're out of luck. I'm just a dime-a-dozen hitchhiker, looking for something they'll probably never find out in this void."

"A poet too, I guess." Mila laughed to herself. "Even if you don't come, at least meet the crew. They're all bored out of their minds. We've had a month where the most excitement we've had is nearly being killed after visiting my family. A new face from The Outer Region will be a breath of fresh air for everyone."

"Okay... I guess that's fine."

Mila smiled at him and waved for him to follow. "And maybe we can get you some dry clothes."

\---

"Emil!" Mila sang, running up to an open hatch on the floor of what seemed like the cargo bay at such a speed that Yuuri felt his stomach drop out, certain she was going to run straight into the hole. She didn't, but she was standing so close to the edge that Yuuri still felt sick. He was sure it wasn't far down, but that was still a good way to break an ankle. "We have a guest!"

A face popped out from where Mila had stopped short, the face spotted with grease and soot. Yuuri thought the portions of the man's clothes he could see had small burns in them. That seemed to be confirmed by a sudden waft of what he thought was the scent of singed hair.

"Hello!" The man was also relatively young, probably around Mila's age if Yuuri had to guess, but he was big. As he pulled himself out of the hatch, Yuuri was amazed to see his body just seemed to keep going. Even so, Yuuri didn't find himself even a little intimidated since he gave off the air of a giant puppy. "It's nice to meet you, I'm Emil!"

"Yuuri." He responded. "Nice to meet you too."

"Yuuri needs a ride west," Mila explained. "I think we could convince The Captain to take him with us, at least for a little."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Emil asked, looking worriedly at Yuuri and making him wonder if he was really that big of a liability. It wasn't like he was a fugitive or something. "It might not be safe."

Mila rolled her eyes, lowering her voice to continue talking to Emil and Yuuri found he couldn't be bothered to strain to hear them. If they didn't want him to hear a conversation about why he was so dangerous, or not dangerous, then he wasn't going to force the subject through eavesdropping.

"Let's at least introduce him to Sara and Mickey," Mila pleaded. "You know how bored Sara is right now."

"More like terrified." Emil looked uncertain and momentarily serious but then his smile was back and he shrugged. "If you think it's a good idea, I'll trust you."

"Thanks, Emil!" Mila practically squealed, seeming so young and almost childish for someone Yuuri was pretty sure could break his and Emil's necks before either of them knew what had happened. "I'm going to go see if Sara is in the cockpit."

"She always is," Emil reminded Mila. "And she'll never leave until you do–"

"Can't hear you!" Mila called, grabbing Yuuri by the wrist and pulling him further into the ship. "We'll talk later! Thanks for the help, Emil."

Then they were off, running through narrow hallways that were too new for Yuuri to really believe this ship was as old as Mila claimed. He wished he could get his hands on some blueprints or a pilot's map — if there were any left from when this was still an official government ship — to check what the actual ship code was.

"Sara!" Mila seemed to do a lot of shouting and Yuuri couldn't decide whether this was an act, a product of the crew's isolation, or just her real personality. "Oh, hi Mickey."

"Oh, hi Mickey." A young man imitated, giving Mila a sour look. "Why aren't you ever happy to see me?"

"Because I came here to see Sara," Mila retorted. "And you're always grumpy."

Yuuri was starting to feel uncomfortable, mostly because there just seemed to be something very off about all these people. He couldn't really put his finger on what was bothering him, but all their interactions seemed tinny in some way. Like they were mostly genuine but with just the slightest twang of falsehood.

"Hey, Mila." A woman, probably Sara, popped out from a bunk above the ship's control panels. All government ships were built this way, allowing for the pilot to always be close to the control, even when they were sleeping. The furthest they usually got from the controls was when they ate. "What's up."

"I want you both to meet Yuuri. He's heading west and I thought we could take him."

"Bad idea–" Mickey started but was cut off by a smiling Sara.

"Great idea!" Sara took a step towards Yuuri who instinctively took a step back. "You should come with us!"

Yuuri suddenly felt trapped by these strangers.

"You know, Mila, I think I'm actually going to head out," Yuuri said, taking a step back. The other thing that bothered him was this offer seemed too good to be true. "Thank you for your offer, it was very kind, but I need to go now."

He took another step back and ran into another person. At first, he thought it was Emil but he quickly noticed they were too slight to be the big mechanic from earlier. When Yuuri looked back he was met with angry green eyes and the face of a young man who couldn't be over eighteen. His hair was short but it looked like he was growing it out.

Yuuri bounced a few steps away from him and back towards the other three, suddenly feeling like they were a safer bet than this terrifying blond.

The young man, really he seemed more like a kid but Yuuri wasn't about to say that, was wearing what looked like military issue pants and a black t-shirt. On his face, he had a small scar under his left eye. In his hands was a jacket that Yuuri recognized as a military issue captain's jacket and things fell into place for him.

These people had killed a government crew and stole their ship. His recognizing the ship had led them to decide he needed to be killed before he could alert the proper authorities and now he was doomed.

"Mila, what the fuck is this?" The 'Captain' growled. "I thought I heard you using that stupid voice you use when you want something and what do I find but some stray?"

"Captain, hear me out–"

"I swear I won't tell anyone!" Yuuri was able to exclaim, wishing he wasn't so horribly outnumbered right now. Maybe if Viktor was here they'd be able to get out of this but... well that was just desperate thinking at this point. "Just let me go."

"What is he talking about?" The Captain asked, looking at Yuuri like he was a bug.

"You guys killed the original crew of this ship and I recognized the make of the ship so now you have to kill me!" Yuuri was barely able to speak anymore, feeling like this might have been the stupidest mistake he'd ever made even if it wasn't really his fault. Mila had been very persuasive. And pushy.

"Killed...?" Mila blinked at Yuuri, her sickeningly sweet tone dropping before she burst out laughing. Between laughter, she managed to assure Yuuri, "We're not going to kill you."

The Captain looked tired suddenly, and annoyed, "Mila, stop fucking around and tell me what's going on."

"Captain, meet Yuuri."

"Excuse me?"

"Isn't it funny?" She said, "He has the same name as you!"

As Mila continued to laugh, the entire room felt too quiet to Yuuri.

"Oh come on, Captain," Mila sighed once she stopped laughing. "It was a good joke. But here's the truth, I brought him to the ship because I wanted to mess with you. Once we got here, though, he recognized the ship and I was hoping to figure out if he was trustworthy before I brought him to meet you."

"You recognized the ship?" Sara asked. "Who are you?"

"Just someone who likes spaceships." Yuuri blinked, confused by this entire interaction. "So you were going to kill me?"

"No." Mila frowned. "I just wanted to make sure you weren't after us. If you were safe, I really did want to offer you a ride west."

"So all this meeting people..." Yuuri was trying to put the pieces of this puzzle together but was coming up very short.

"A distraction." Mila shrugged. "I asked Emil to look you up while I distracted you. But I guess I'm a bad liar."

"He's clean." Yuuri jumped at the new voice behind him, turning to see it was just the still smiling Emil. Apparently, his conversation hadn't been an act. And, to be fair, the same seemed to be true of Sara and Mickey. Mila appeared to be the only one who was trying to act. "He's not government. Just some outer kid."

"I'm not really a kid." Yuuri pointed out. "I'm definitely older than all of you."

The Captain rolled his eyes, "An outer old man, then."

"Why don't we all sit down and talk this out?" Sara offered. "Let's start over again?"

Yuuri sighed because, really, this might be a strange bunch of people but they didn't seem to be that bad. They still seemed better than his other options for getting off this planet. IRHP-72 was really starting to tire Yuuri out and he hadn't even been here that long.

"Why not?"

The crew turned to look at their captain and after a moment of indecisive annoyance on his part, he threw his hands up.

"Fine! We'll talk with the old man, it's lunch time anyway." The Captain sighed and held out a hand to Yuuri. "I'm the captain of this ship and my name is Yuri Plisetsky. Welcome aboard, I guess."

Yuuri wasn't sure what was worse, the fact that Yuri seemed uninterested in his presence or the fact that Yuuri was sure he'd heard the name Plisetsky before but he couldn't remember in what context.

"Yuuri Katsuki." Yuuri took his hand, shaking it awkwardly. "Nice to meet you."

After a long stretch of awkward silence, Mila stepped up to push both Yuri's out of the control room.

"How about lunch?"

\---

"Deep cover?" Yuuri scrunched his eyebrows together.

"Yah." Yuri had his feet up on the table and was spending a lot of time paying attention to his food and not so much time paying attention to Yuuri. Yuuri was surprised he had even heard his question. "Government work I can't really talk about but we're in deep cover."

"Aren't you a little young to be a captain?" Yuuri asked, not meaning it to be rude, just thinking that Yuri seemed so young. Captains usually were in their late twenties at youngest.

"I'm eighteen and perfectly capable as a captain." Yuri snarled.

"I didn't mean you weren't." Yuuri put his hands up, smiling in a manner he meant to be placating. "Just a question."

"Well, it's none of your business." Yuri's attention had turned back to his food. "What are you up to?"

"Moving west," Yuuri said simply.

"And why's that?"

"None of your business." Yuri looked up at Yuuri, surprise in his face for the first time. His surprise only multiplied when he found Yuuri wore a cheeky smirk on his face.

"Fair enough." His face dropped back to what seemed to be his usual scowl. "We don't have anywhere in particular we have to be anytime soon. You should stay with us until Danistan. It'll probably be two months until we get there, but there aren't many more options for you."

"I don't want to be a bother–"

"I wouldn't have offered if it were a bother!" Yuri glared at Yuuri and the older man was struck with the realization that he believed Yuri. The Captain wouldn't ask Yuuri to come aboard for months if he didn't want Yuuri to stay. "We have three extra rooms, too, so you can have a bed and everything."

"I don't have much money." Again, Yuuri was lying, but if he wanted to make it across the universe he needed to save where he could.

"Can you cook?" Sara asked, earning her a huff from Mickey, the chef in charge of the lunch they were eating. "We could really use a cook."

"Oh, well, I guess I'm okay." Memories of cooking with Viktor while soft, early spring light filtered into their warm apartment flashed behind Yuuri's eyes and he closed them for a moment. He was both trying to hold onto the memories and also to dispel them along with the sudden burning at the corners of his eyes. "I could do that for you."

"Great, then it's settled." Mila clapped her hands together, looking hopefully between Yuuri and her captain. Maybe she really was desperate for a new face. "Emil, when can we leave?"

"ASAP." He smiled, giving Mickey a thumbs up. "Just need the navigator to draw up some plans."

"Well, I need The Captain to tell us where we're going," Mickey replied grumpily. "Then I'll figure it out."

"I promised you guys you could go home," Yuri said, standing quickly. "Just plan a route to the Minsque Cluster."

Before Yuuri — or anyone else — could stop him, Yuri was gone.

"Well," Mila smiled but looked a little uncomfortable. "Why don't I show you to your room?"

\---

Yuuri sat alone in his room—it was strange to think of this place as his room, but he guessed it would be for a long while now—taking deep breaths to calm himself. He could feel panic rising in his mind and coursing its way through his veins but now was not a good time for a panic attack. Not that there was ever a good time for a panic attack, but until he was sure he was safe with these people, Yuuri couldn't let himself be vulnerable.

That was the reasoning he tried to use to convince himself it wasn't irrational to keep the crew in the dark on where he was really going and why. But he knew there was a pile of reasons why he didn't tell them which were all irrational.

Saying his goal out loud made it sound so much more unrealistic. It made it too real. It made everything seem like it was going to fail so much more than it already felt like it was going to fail.

He didn't want them to know about Viktor because Viktor was his and he wanted to hoard his memory as if sharing him would somehow lessen his value or the strength of Yuuri's memories.

But that was absurd and Yuuri knew it. If there was anyone who deserved to be remembered, to be talked about, it was Viktor. He could only grow stronger and brighter by being shared.

But it still hurt. After what Yuuri thought was five months in space, alone and out of contact with everyone he knew and loved, Yuuri didn't want to think too hard about how impossible this was going to be. He didn't want to think about how utterly impossible this entire search seemed.

Tears threatened at the back of his eyes as Yuuri pulled two necklaces from around his neck.

The first held a gold band around it and Yuuri let it roll around in his palm while he tried to regain his breathing. It was familiar in his hand and familiar to his eyes, both things he needed right now to be able to ground him. He slid it onto his finger and closed his eyes, feeling the weight that he'd gotten so used to after seven years of marriage. It was a weight he long ago stopped noticing and started taking for granted until the meaning of the weight was gone and he remembered what these gold rings were supposed to mean.

What was forever to someone with as restless a soul as Viktor’s?

But he'd said forever, again and again, always seeming to mean it. And Yuuri thought he meant it, wanted to believe he meant it, but it was getting harder and harder each day.

If his calculations were right for how long ago he left home, then Yuuri hadn't seen Viktor in over nine months. It was getting harder to remember what it was like to not be lonely. It was getting hard to remember who he'd been before the morning he woke up alone for the first time in over seven years with only an envelope on Viktor's now cold pillow.

It had taken two months for Yuuri to stop grieving and start noticing something off about Viktor's note. It took him a month to decode the first half of the message and find the medallion Viktor had left for him. The last month was spent planning and completing the second half of the decoding.

Then he'd left his family and friends with a simple message: I'll find him.

Tears finally fell from Yuuri's eyes but there was only a handful of them, wetting the medallion he had on his lap. After a few more minutes of careful breathing followed by rubbing at his eyes, Yuuri picked the medallion up.

It was circle and gold, like a medal you'd get for a sporting event, really nothing particularly interesting about it until Yuuri turned it over. When he'd first found it, the medallion was plain gold but soon he discovered that when it was warmed by body heat—whether by holding it in his palm for a while or wearing it close to his skin—writing appeared. 

In what Yuuri recognized as Viktor's handwriting, there was a number seemingly etched into the gold and it had been counting down since Yuuri left home. It had started at one hundred but now the number was different and Yuuri hoped that meant he was closer.

"Eighty-three." He murmured to himself before putting both the ring and the medallion back around his neck and turning his bunk lights out.

He hugged his backpack close, still not trusting enough to not keep his belongings close at night, and a few more tears ran down his cheeks while he tried to sleep.

"Good night, Viktor." He said to the air because he still didn't know how to sleep without saying goodnight to his husband. "I'll find you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, stuff I want to talk about with this. Not everything is tagged now, partially because spoilers and partially because I'm still not sure what I'm going to tag. Things that are very spoilery, I'll tag in the notes at the top of chapters if they're things that could be triggering. Things like violence and sexual content warnings will be added when I decide they need to be added. Basically, pay attention to tags but I will warn you in my beginning notes anytime something big is changed. 
> 
> Relationship tags might not be added simply because a lot of them develop late in this fic. There are some I might add once I start adding more characters but if you're really averse to a certain relationship and want to know if it'll show up, you can always contact me. I'm always willing to talk :) That also goes for trigger-type warnings if you're worried.
> 
> The rating is mature and it won't go up from there. It might go down but I decided better safe than sorry. There is a (much) later chapter with quite a bit of violence (though not super graphic) and it's most of the reason for the M rating. 
> 
> Okay, that's all for now. Thank you for reading and I might talk to you again on Jan 21st. If not, then I'll see you on Feb 4th!


	2. I Only Want to Understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara just wants to get to know Yuuri. Yuuri just wants to be left alone.

There was something carefully skittish about Yuuri and Sara couldn’t figure out why. He’d been smart enough to more or less figure out Mila’s plans for him, even if there was very little chance she was going to kill him. From what Mila had told her, Sara thought he sounded like he was just street smart enough to not be dead after months of hitchhiking but maybe not street smart enough to make good choices.

Sara suspected part of him just didn’t really care if he made a bad choice. 

He still didn’t trust any of them but Sara understood why. With Mila apparently ready and definitely able to kill him, The Captain being either aloof or outright rude, and Mickey’s mutual distrust of him it was no wonder he thought this was some sort of elaborate plot to kill him. 

Sara just couldn’t figure out what his problem with her or Emil was. Sure, they were part of this crew but they’d both been nothing but nice and non-threatening. At least Emil had the excuse of being an intimidating person, Sara felt she was anything but that.

Maybe she was a little sensitive about how much Yuuri seemed to dislike her. But she was considered a likable person and it hurt when someone was so turned off by her. 

It probably hadn’t helped that when he came to the control room to ask to see their pilot’s map, she’d quickly covered it and said he couldn’t look at it because it was very secret. Sara was a pretty good liar when she had to but when she tried to lie to Yuuri she fell apart. She knew she was less than convincing. 

Yuuri spent most of his time in his room with the door locked. Sara only knew the door was locked because she’d asked to come in and he’d had to get up to open the door. When he did open the door, his eyes had been bloodshot and glassy. His hair had been a mess and he looked generally tired. Sara had no idea where Yuuri had come from or where he was going but she worried about him.

Tonight, or what counted as tonight when you were three standard earth days into a warp jump, Sara was the first one down to the dining room for dinner. She knew she was early but she hoped to talk to Yuuri a little, figure out a little more about him. For as much as the crew hadn’t told Yuuri anything about themselves, Yuuri hadn’t been much more forthcoming. 

Mila and Emil were somewhere deep in the ship, playing with the non-warp systems to see if they could speed the ship up when it wasn’t in a jump. They’d successfully figured out how to increase the warp speed, though Sara rarely used the higher speed because it put a lot of strain on the ship. If she used it, though, she could take a good couple hours off of a jump. When they made long jumps like their current one, it took basically a week in SEDs, a few hours didn’t seem like a lot. But if you were being followed by a fast ship, those few hours could mean a lot. 

But when they were out of warp, The Potya wasn’t that fast of a ship. It wasn’t slow by any stretch of the imagination, but a ship of only a class lower could possibly catch up with her if the conditions were right. Like if The Potya had one of its engines crippled by laser fire. 

So, any added speed would be helpful.

Sara had no clue where Mickey was but she suspected he was doing inventory in the medical bay. When he was nervous he tended to do inventory and the medical bay was a common place for him to do inventory. It also forced him to go over all his medical training in case of an emergency. They’d never had a medical emergency worse than a bad cut in the kitchen so his constant checking of the inventory was redundant but they all had things they did to pass time and ease anxiety. 

Mila would practice her hand-to-hand combat in the ship’s small cargo bay. She was, of course, very good at hand-to-hand combat and sometimes Sara joined her for a few lessons but they rarely lasted very long because Sara was not all that strong. She really wasn’t much of a match for Mila. Yuri could hold his own against her but he would always lose in the end. Emil was the only one who’d ever beaten Mila but that was only once and mostly because he was as strong as Mila but also taller. 

When Sara was anxious she liked to recheck the ship’s path and also the stability of the warp they were in. It was similar to Mickey's inventorying and Sara wondered if the similarity was due to them being twins or just them growing up together.

She guessed it was how they were raised because Emil would do something similar. When he was anxious he either checked through all the mechanics in the ship or he tinkered with small gadgets. He had an old gaming system from Earth that he would tinker with all the time, trying to get it working again. It only had one game, one that none of them had ever heard of—called Metal Gear Solid: Ghost Babel—and Emil kept saying he’d get the system and the game working one day. He picked it up off some trader while they were still in school and had been working on it for at least two years. 

Once in the kitchen, Sara was met with the sound of humming. She stayed silent, listening to Yuuri hum to himself as he cooked, the song a little sad. It seemed to be full of longing but Sara thought that if there was someone else to sing with Yuuri, it would be less lonely. Despite the song’s melancholy, it was a pretty song and Sara wondered if it had words. 

Yuuri seemed to be unaware that Sara was even there, going about his cooking with a small smile on his face. He seemed to be enjoying himself quite a bit and Sara wasn’t sure she had ever seen him like this. 

“Yuuri,” Sara finally interrupted, feeling like she wasn’t supposed to be watching right now. It felt like she was intruding on someone else’s private life. 

“Oh!” Yuuri started, dropping the knife in his hand and barely jumping out of the way before it fell on his foot. “Sara!” 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Sara smiled apologetically, walking over to stand on the dining room side of the counter. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Yuuri picked up the knife and cleaned it off before going back to cutting up what looked to be some salted beef. There was also a jar of pickled something, which made Sara cringe a little. She knew first they ate anything semi-fresh, then they moved onto the canned and preserved foods but she still didn’t like the taste of pickled food. 

They were even getting to the end of their preserved and canned food, though, and Sara knew next would be the processed food that never really went bad. She didn’t really mind that stuff—a lot of dried food or straight up ‘meal bars’—but she was pretty sure most people wouldn’t agree. There was just something about the pickling process in particular that she didn’t like. 

“Rice again tonight?” Sara asked, watching as Yuuri checked on the rice cooker that she hadn’t even known they had until Yuuri started cooking.

“Sorry, do you not like rice?” Yuuri asked, looking worried. “My home planet is pretty big on using rice in their cooking so it’s just how I know how to cook.”

“No, it’s fine. I like rice.” Sara smiled but Yuuri looked away, seeming to be shying away from her again. “We’ll just need to make sure we stock up on our next cargo stop.” 

“Do you mind if I come shopping too? Just, if I’m going to be cooking I’d like to help pick out ingredients.”

“That’s fine, we’d be glad to have you along.” Sara thought for a moment. “Actually, I think there’s a good planet for bulk food in the galaxy we’re jumping to now.” 

“Really?” Yuuri looked up at Sara, putting the knife down as he started one of the other burners and pulled a pan out. 

“Yah, IRG-54 is a pretty commonplace for long distance ships stop. The entire cluster is a good place to stop. I might also be able to convince The Captain to stop at IRG-59 which has one of the best shopping planets in the inner region. At least outside of the Capital Cluster.”

“This all sounds pretty expensive.” Yuuri crouched down to pull out some spices and a bottle of oil. The oil was almost gone and he wondered if he could convince them to buy sesame oil instead of olive oil next time. They were running low on almost all their spices too, not that Yuuri used them much. Most of them were spices he only ever ate when Viktor was cooking. So, he knew how to use them but would rather have spices he was more familiar with. “How much money do you guys even have?”

“Well, we have an official card from the USEA that is untraceable so even though we’re trying to stay undercover, nobody will know we’re with the USEA. And we have some of our own personal funds.”

“The USEA cards are untraceable?” Yuuri thought that seemed like a bad idea. “What if it’s lost? Or if a ship was to go rogue?” 

“Rogue? Really?” Sara laughed, the sound a little unsteady to Yuuri’s ears. “That’s never happened before so I don’t think they’re really planning for it. As for a lost card, only The Captain knows the codes to report it stolen.”

“And if an entire crew died?”

Sara laughed again, a similarly unsteady laugh but this time with a twinge of actual humor.

“I think if an entire USEA crew was killed, we’d have a bigger issue on our hands than a missing credit card.”

“I guess you’re right,” Yuuri mixed the meat and vegetable into oil and stared at each spice before either adding it or putting it to the side. Sara watched with interest, having not seen someone so serious about cooking in years. The last time she'd seen anyone so serious was watching her parents cook. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to say something so dark.” 

“Don’t worry about that.” Sara waved him away. “You weren’t asking bad questions. I think the real answer is that the USEA is shortsighted. They wouldn’t know what to do if someone went rogue because of them, no one would ever do that. They worry more about pirates or the possibility that just across the edge of the universe, there are hostile aliens waiting to strike.”

Yuuri hummed in response, wondering how the USEA had stayed around so long if they were so short-sighted. 

“You really love cooking, don’t you?” Sara asked after a long silence broken only by the sounds of cooking.

“I guess.” Yuuri shrugged. “My family owns an inn and I grew up helping there. My sister was never interested in cooking so I was the one who was taught by my mother. I loved learning from her. It let me stay away from the guests and it also let me spend time with my mother.”

“That sounds amazing.” Sara smiled wistfully. “I never really cooked much with my mom, Mickey did more of that which is why he was our chef before you. Neither of us was really great in the kitchen, though. Mickey was just more dedicated. Even once I stopped trying to cook I’d stay in the kitchen while they cooked, watching as my mom would instruct Mickey. Then I’d watch my dad take over when something needed to be baked and he always looked so happy in the kitchen. The two of them together in the kitchen, just enjoying each other’s company is something I miss about home.”

“Cooking is a great way to get closer to someone,” Yuuri answered, looking oddly mournful to Sara. “You haven't seen your family in a while?”

“Not my parents.” Sara smiled. “Mickey and Emil have been with me. Mila and Yuri came later but they're family too. But I miss my parents. We haven't seen them in so long... hopefully we'll stop home on our way west…”

“Where are you from?” Sara was surprised by the level of interest Yuuri seemed to show. He was so skittish but now he was ready to talk and ready to ask questions. Maybe, Sara pondered, the key was to not ask him about himself. 

“Malen. It’s a small planet in a small galaxy in a small cluster. Nothing much to write home about.” She smiled. “But… somehow, I miss it.”

“Homesickness happens to the best of us.” Sara raised an eyebrow at Yuuri and he shrugged. “I just mean that everyone feels homesickness once and awhile.”

“Even you?” 

Yuuri turned off the heat on the stove but left the pan on, putting a top over it to keep the food warm while they waited for everyone else to arrive. He turned to lean against the counter, not looking at Sara as he spoke, each of his words carefully measured. 

“I went off planet for college but I didn’t go all that far, just a planet away really. I was still in my home cluster. Even so, I felt terribly homesick for almost the entire first semester I was there.” Yuuri laughed. “It’s funny to think how I almost went to flight school. Imagine me, trying to make it in the Capital Cluster.”

“You were going to be a pilot?”

“I trained to be one.” Yuuri seemed lost in his own mind as he spoke like he was forgetting where he was and who he was talking to. It was as if something about the atmosphere of a quiet kitchen made him want to speak. “That’s why I know so much about ships. I applied to both the USEA and the Constellation Force. In the end, though, I couldn’t do either because of personal reasons. I… I gave up on being a pilot and I decided… well, I decided to be something completely different.”

“And what’s that?”

Before Yuuri could answer, the rest of the crew filtered in. Mila and Emil were still covered in grime from whatever they’d been working on—probably some spectacular but also spectacularly dangerous upgrade to the ship. Mickey looked grumpy but, then again, he always looked grumpy. Yuri was the last to enter, looking tired but not horribly so. Sara thought he looked a little pale but, honestly, it was hard to tell with him. 

“What’s for dinner, I’m starving,” Mila said, heading to stand next to Sara as Yuuri pulled out bowls and started filling them with rice and the meat-vegetable mixture. “Wow, this looks good. I’ll never understand how you do this.”

“It’s nothing,” Yuuri insisted with a smile and a quiet voice. “Just something I learned living alone.”

“What, how to cook with shit ingredients?” 

“No… how to cook with anything.” Yuuri’s face gave nothing away anymore and Sara missed the vulnerability she’d seen. She wasn’t sure how to get it back but she wanted to as soon as she could. 

“Well, this smells great.” Mila was the first to sit down, waiting for everyone else to join her before starting. Once they all did Mila smiled widely at Yuuri. “Man am I glad I got you to come to our ship.”

“My cooking isn’t that great.” Yuuri was blushing as he ate, looking unused to compliments even though he had received them at every meal, usually from Mila or Emil. Those two would eat just about anything but that didn’t mean that they couldn’t appreciate good cooking. “My mom is the real chef. And if you want to talk about someone who knows how to use whatever they have available then you should taste my–” Whatever Yuuri was going to say seemed to be swallowed up by his lungs and the happiness that had started to creep onto his face disappeared. “One of my friends was really good at cooking with leftovers.”

Nobody pushed even though they all sensed the partial lie in his statement and felt the echo of what had been left unsaid. They all wanted to know who Yuuri was really talking about and what that person meant to him. Where were they and what had happened to cause Yuuri to not even want to talk about them?

Sara had a lot of questions she didn’t think would ever be answered and it was driving her crazy. The same could be said about everyone else to and the rest of dinner past in relative silence as everyone thought over their own questions. 

Sara just wished that this type of meal was an uncommon occurrence. She wished that.

It just wasn’t true. 

\---

When the ship pulled out of warp in IRG-54, they were still about a standard day away from their destination. Sara would have liked to come in closer but there were scans they had to do and precautions they had to take before they got too close to any planet, especially an inner region planet.

Once Sara’s end of the work was done, though, she left to wander the ship a little. She’d been sitting for too long and now she just needed to get a little exercise. 

First, she headed away from the control room towards the dining room and kitchen. That hallway had two doors. One was for the Captain’s Quarters and the other was for the navigator. The pilot didn’t get a room, instead, they were expected to make themselves comfortable in the control room even though really all there was there was a small set of drawers for clothes, a bunk bed, and two small shelves. One of those shelves, the one that sat behind Sara’s head when she was in her bunk, had books she loved on it. The other, which was a small area next to where she slept, had personal items.

A picture of her and her parents. A picture of her and the crew when they all graduated. A picture of her and Mickey and Emil getting ready to leave Malen for the USEA academy. There were a few knick-knacks that Sara loved. Some were gifts, some held familial importance, and others were just things she picked up on her travels. 

A glass duck. A bottle of sand. A necklace with religious significance she didn’t understand in specifics but understood in general feelings. A humanoid figure that sat on the ground, looking forlorn as he glowed softly in the dark. Sarah had called him Paul. She had called the duck Madison. The other objects didn’t have names. 

Sara glanced at the three guest rooms before she headed downstairs. She never understood why an exploration ship needed so many but she guessed they had come in handy. Otherwise, Yuuri would have been sleeping on the floor or something. She was sure he wouldn’t have let anyone give up their bed for him. Yuuri’s guest room door was slightly ajar and Sara could see he wasn’t inside. 

She moved on, towards the small cargo bay, where a panel was open and she could hear Emil singing softly to himself. Nearby, Mickey was sitting alone and still. He was lounging against a support beam, eyes closed and a small smile on his face. Sara smiled but didn’t say anything, leaving her brother to listen to Emil’s song. 

Sara hadn’t seen Mila yet and wondered if she was asleep. Her small room was off the cargo bay, close to where people would generally try to enter in case of an attack. At least, Sara thought that was the idea. Sara considered going to knock on her door but didn’t. First, she didn’t want to disturb Mickey and second… well, she was worried Mila wouldn’t want Sara to interrupt whatever she was doing. 

So, instead, Sara moved on to the hallway that leads towards the engine room and Emil’s bedroom. It was what they called the observation hallway because of its large windows. Sara didn’t know why there were such large windows here, so close to the engine room and the cargo bay, but she’d also never asked. Part of her wanted some things to remain a mystery. 

When the door to the observation hallway slid open, Sara was surprised to see Yuuri was there. It shouldn’t have been that much of a surprise, there really wasn’t anywhere else he could be, and yet here she was, gasping out his name as he quickly shoved something back under his shirt. 

“Sara.” Was Yuuri’s greeting, his body language that of someone who didn’t want to talk. 

“I didn’t mean to scare you, Yuuri.” Sara took a few deep breath before joining Yuuri by the window. It was a pretty sight out the window.

They were passing by a planet—a large gas giant—with swirling blue and white gases. Sara was entranced by their motion, smooth like that of a dancer. Like a dancer, there was also hidden power in the motions. The storms on this planet were huge and Sara couldn’t only imagine what the winds were like if they caused the gas to move fast enough to be noticed so readily. 

“It’s a nice view.”

“It is,” Yuuri agreed. 

“I grew up fascinated with space. So did Mickey and Emil but not like me. My parent used to say that while some kids were born with fins, I was born with wings. I always wanted to be a pilot since I was old enough to know what a pilot was. I wanted to be at the helm of a great ship as it cut through the stars.” Sara laughed, blushing a little. “I may have watched a few too many sci-fi movies as a kid.” She sighed. “But the point still stands. I loved the stars and I loved space. This job, what I’m doing now, is a dream come true.”

After a long stretch of silence, Yuuri eyed her strangely. “Why are you telling me all this?”

“You don’t have to be afraid of us,” Sara’s voice was quiet and she wasn’t looking out the window anymore. Instead, she was staring at her shoes, trying to keep herself together as she started to descend into thoughts about how endless space turned out to be. It was hard sometimes, to remember that the things she loved could never really be won. She had wings but just barely and they were wings that could be clipped at any moment. She thought Yuuri might understand that since he had the look of someone who had wings, no matter how weak they might seem. He seemed like someone born with wings he rarely used and now that he was using them, he realized how precious they were. “We all have something we love. We all have many things we love. One of the things I love is space and I wanted you to know that.”

Yuuri was quiet, his face turned to look at Sara like he was seeing her for the first time. He seemed uncertain what to do with her downcast face and her personal words. Finally, he spoke.

“I went to school to be a writer.” Sara looked up at him but Yuuri had turned back to the windows. “I wanted to write poetry. For me, there was something equivalent about being a pilot and writing poetry. Do you agree?” 

“Yah,” Sara said, smiling as a few tears leaked out of her eyes. “I understand exactly what you mean.”

They stood for a long time after that in silence, both watching space roll by them. It was only when the clock chimed to say it was 5 PM on the ship did they move — Yuuri to start dinner and Sara to go check their course. Even when they left, no words were exchanged because, at this point, they didn’t need to. 

\---

“What is this?” Yuri asked through a mouthful of dinner. 

Yuuri and Sara had gone shopping for their fresh ingredients while Mickey and Emil had been sent to get the bulk, longer-lasting ingredients. It had been a lot of fun in Sara’s opinion, even if Yuuri hadn’t talked much while they were out. 

Sara had tried to keep the conversation going between them but things seemed to have gone back to how they were before she and Yuuri had talked to each other in the observation hallway. Sara thought maybe she’d misunderstood their closeness but she was still sad. She’d really thought they’d had a breakthrough.

“Katsudon. It’s my mom’s specialty.” Yuuri explained, smiling a little as he watched the others enjoy the meal. “I only wish you could taste hers. It’s much better.” 

“But this is great!” They all were a bit surprised by the praise being showered from Yuri. He wasn’t exactly one for compliments and when he gave them, it wasn’t usually so outwardly. 

“Maybe one day you can all visit ORG-26’s own Yuutopia.” Yuuri looked into his own bowl. “I know my family would love you all.”

“ORG-26?” Sara asked, “That’s not very far in the outer region, right?”

Yuuri nodded his head, “It’s on the edge of the outer region.”

“You’re still an outer bumpkin,” Yuri pointed out helpfully. “Don’t go acting like you’re better than the rest of the outer region because you’re near the edge.”

Yuuri laughed, seeming surprised. “I didn’t realize you had such a strong opinion.” 

Yuri fell silent but Mila didn’t seem ready to let this conversation drop. Mostly, Sara suspected she wanted to mess with the Captain a little since he seemed to be in a good mood. 

“Our sweet captain is a little sensitive about all that talk.” Yuri started to protest, seeing where Mila was going, but she just continued to talk over him. “He from the outer region himself. ORG-84, to be exact.”

“Mila,” Yuri growled. 

“What? Just thought Yuuri ought to know where you’re coming from.” She smiled predatorily as she looked at Yuri. “Now that you two know you have something in common, maybe you can chat.”

“Just because you assholes are from the inner region doesn’t mean anything!” Yuri shouted.

Yuuri shrunk away from Yuri’s anger but Mila only laughed, having learned a long time ago when Yuri’s anger was real and when it was just a show. Sure, he was annoyed, but there was a difference between annoyed Yuri and angry Yuri. Angry Yuri, you didn’t want to mess with. Annoyed Yuri, well… well, annoyed Yuri was fun to mess with. 

Yuri grumbled something indecipherable then went back to his meal, leaving the room in contented silence as they all enjoyed dinner. 

“Oh, Yuuri,” Sara spoke up, hoping to get Yuuri back to feeling comfortable. She’d have to remind Mila that Yuuri was still not used to their dynamics and that maybe Mila shouldn’t get Yuri too angry for the time being. “The next galaxy will be the one I told you about, with the shopping. We should go shopping together! Assuming we’re able to safely dock. It’ll be fun.”

“I don’t know… I don’t really need to buy anything.”

“It’s not about need,” Sara said, her words almost overlapping the end of Yuuri’s sentence as if she anticipated his response. “It’s about having fun. You don’t even have to buy anything if you don’t want but we should go.”

“I don’t know… maybe you should go without me.” Yuuri was back to looking at his dinner, which was almost gone. “I probably wouldn’t be much fun.”

“Nope.” Sara smiled, the look sending a shiver down Yuuri’s spine for a reason he couldn’t place. “You’re coming and that’s final.”

“I don’t have a say in this?” Yuuri asked, looking panicked. 

“Nope.” Sara continued to smile. “We need to have some fun. You’re too uptight. And, anyway, you need new clothes. You have, what, two pairs of clothes?”

“Four…”

“My point still stands.” Sara finished her food and stood, pushing back her chair. “Okay! Mickey, come help me plan our route. Everyone else, goodnight!” 

There was a round of goodnights then Mickey and Sara disappeared, leaving behind them a quartet of quiet diners. Even Emil was quiet tonight, though he was usually upbeat and talkative. Ever since Yuuri had boarded, though, he’d been quieter for reasons the crew couldn’t quite place. Sara and Mila hoped that getting him to do something fun would help.

“I guess I’ll start cleaning up.” Mila announced, “Everyone else, you should get some sleep. Including you, Captain.” 

Yuri responded with some grumbling but bit them all goodnight and left, followed by Emil, and then Yuuri.

Mila sighed, cleaning quietly and wondering if maybe they’d all made a big mistake. She hoped Sara and Yuri knew what they were doing. Sure, she trusted them both, but she was worried. A shopping trip sounded fun, but it sounded dangerous. And after what happened on her home planet, she was doubly worried. That didn’t even include her worries about putting the uninvolved Yuuri right in the line of fire.

Mila let out another long sigh, pausing to close her eyes for a moment. After a moment of breathing and trying to not think about her concerns, she went back to her work, hoping she would get some sleep tonight. She went back to her work, knowing she probably wouldn’t get much sleep tonight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remeber how I said that I might post twice a week? Well, I lied because I got more done than I expected. That said, there could be a change in posting because I have very little time to work on this since my job takes most of my day and when I get home I usually am too tired to cook dinner, let alone write. I do hope I can keep this pace up :) TYSM for reading


	3. I Trust You With the Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara doesn't know how to convince Yuuri she doesn't mean any harm. 
> 
> Yuuri doesn't know how to admit his crazy plan. 
> 
> Nobody knows how to deal with their own lies.

“How do you feel about dresses?” Sara asked as she pulled clothes down for Yuuri to try on despite his protestations. “You'd look great in a skirt, I swear.”

“It's not that I don't wear them,” Yuuri explained as Sara dragged him around the department store they were currently in. “I just don't need a lot of clothes. I don't exactly have a permanent home.”

“You have The Potya.” Sara frowned. “And you're not going to be traveling forever, are you?”

“I don't really know anymore.” Yuri shook his head. “I forget where I'm going sometimes.”

“And where are you going?” Sara hoped Yuuri didn't think she was being too nosey, even though that’s exactly what she was being. But at this point, all he would say was he was going west and it was going to drive Sara crazy with curiosity. 

“West,” he answered as if he's heard Sara's thoughts. “I just need to go west.”

“But why?” Sara didn't want to scare him off but she was curious and her good mood was making her bolder. “Why are you going west?”

“I'm…” Yuuri looked off into the distance, his eyes not focused on anything in particular. “I'm looking for home.”

“For home?”

“Yah.” Yuuri turned away from Sara. “Home.”

Sara stayed quiet for a long time, wondering why Yuuri even needed to find a home. Had he lost his? Or did he just want a new one? What was home to him, anyway?

“I think I'm supposed to think of The Potya as my home. I think that's what the USEA wants from us, for the ship to be our home but I'm not sure it'll ever be home. The people, the crew that is, is sort of home. Especially Mickey and Emil. But still, Malen is my home I think and… and I miss it so much.”

“I miss my home too,” Yuuri admitted, still turned away from Sara. 

“Are you looking for a new home?”

“No.” Yuuri seemed uncertain like he didn't know which words to use. “I'm just trying to find the home I lost.” 

“Well, The Potya is a pretty good temporary home.” Yuuri turned to look at Sara and she forced a smile, hoping it was at least a little believable. “Trust me.”

Yuuri wanted to ask why Sara seemed to care so much about him. He wanted to ask why she cared at all. He wanted to shout and scream that she couldn't really care about him, not when she knew so little about him. Just a childhood ambition, a college degree, and his loneliness. Even that, she didn't really know. 

She couldn't understand why he was lonely. 

She couldn't know what he'd lost. 

She was so in the dark on everything that Yuuri's life had been and was now and yet she insisted on caring. It wasn't that he didn't think, didn't know, that people could care deeply for those they barely knew, it was just that it hurt to have that care from someone who wasn't Viktor. 

It reminded him of everything he'd lost. 

It made the loneliness of his empty heart echo even louder. 

It made him hurt to remember the way Viktor cared despite how many times he'd been burned. 

Viktor was a star in this world and he shone brighter when he was helping others grow, at least that's what Yuuri thought. Not everyone would agree, he was sure, but Yuuri saw himself as an expert on Viktor and when he watched Viktor help others, Yuuri saw a man at his peak. He saw a man doing exactly what he was put in this universe to do. 

He saw the love of his life, outshining everyone because when he smiled, nobody could shine brighter than Viktor. 

“I guess we should try some of this on,” Sara offered, trying to lighten the mood even if there wasn't much hope for that goal. “I swear it'll be fun.” 

And Yuuri went with her because as much as it hurt, he knew if Viktor was here he'd be right next to Sara, picking out clothes and pulling Yuuri towards the dressing room. 

It hurt but, by now Yuuri was used to the pain.

\---

“You look amazing!” Sara smiled widely when Yuuri came out in one of the dresses she’d picked out — a simple black, A-line cut top with a scoop neck and a floral pattern on the skirt. “You should get it! No! I’ll get it for you!”

“Ah, you don’t have to do that.” Yuuri didn’t feel uncomfortable in the dress but he was definitely uncomfortable with Sara buying it for him. “I don’t really have a reason to buy this.”

“Do you have any formal attire?”

“Do I need any?”

“Sure!” Sara handed Yuuri a pair of heels that, surprisingly, looked large enough to fit him. Though, to be fair, he didn’t have huge feet to begin with. “Do you think we don’t do anything fun on our ship. We’re an elite military vessel, we get to go to all sorts of parties.”

“I’m not military, though.” Yuuri pulled on the simple black heels and couldn’t argue with how good he looked, especially with the way this dress hugged his ass. Sure, he wasn’t the most confident person in the world, but he knew when he looked good even if he didn’t like to say it or have it pointed out. Before Viktor, he’d barely been able to see past his flaws but from the moment they started dating, Yuuri had gotten so much better. Viktor had changed him so much and for the better. He liked to think he’d done the same for Viktor but maybe he’d been wrong. “I don’t think they’d want me.”

“I wasn’t just talking about military parties. I mean, in general, military people get invited to parties. Especially smaller towns and cities. When we get to the outer region, let me tell you, we’re going to be invited to so many parties, I just know it!”

“You don’t sound like you actually know,” Yuuri raised an eyebrow at her, only now realizing how young Sara really was. He’d been so fixated on the youth of Yuri, that he hadn’t really stopped to think about how he was pretty sure the entire crew was at least five years younger than him. He really wasn’t old but being with the crew of The Potya made him feel old. “Have you been to these parties or just heard stories.”

“Well…” Sara pursed her lips, looking petulant and like she’d been caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing. “My information is from reputable sources!” 

Yuuri laughed, the sound only half fake which was surprising to him considering how little he felt right now. Thinking about Viktor hadn’t even made him hurt this time around. 

“I’ll believe it when I see it but as someone from a small outer region city, we weren’t throwing parades every time a government ship docked nearby.” 

“What was it like where you grew up?” Sara asked. “It must have been so different from Malen.”

“That’s your home, right?” Yuuri asked in an obvious attempt to dodge her question. 

“It is, but we’ll be visiting there so I can tell you about it later.” Sara smiled. “You should buy that dress, then we can talk about our home planets over some ice cream.” 

“Ice cream?”

“Yeah, you know, frozen milk–”

“I know what ice cream is.” Yuuri raised an eyebrow at her. “We have that in the outer region, you know?”

Sara had the decency to blush even if she didn’t look that torn up about the mistake.

“Your question made it sound like you didn’t know what it was.”

“I meant, why?”

“Oh…” Sara sighed, her smile turning sad. “Malen had really good ice cream. It’s never as good off planet but… it’s still nice to get some either way. I guess it’s like making your mom’s dishes yourself. It’s not the same, but it’s better than nothing.”

Yuuri nodded, remembering finding a restaurant on Gallia that served cuisine from Urazaki. It wasn’t quite right and it wasn’t anywhere near as good as his mom’s cooking, but it had been nice to have something reminiscent of home while sitting next to the man that had become his home. 

“Yah… food can help even if it’s not exactly right.”

“So…” Sara smiled wider, her previous sadness seemingly gone. Yuuri guessed it wasn’t actually gone but he wasn’t going to call her out on it. “Buy the dress then get ice cream?”

“Fine.” Yuuri sighed, shaking his head despite the smile creeping onto his face. There was just something charming about Sara. Something that really reminded him of Yuuko. Something that both made him miss his old friend and also eased the homesickness he’d had for so long now. “You win.”

Sara pumped her fist excitedly while Yuuri went to get changed back into his other clothes, wondering if maybe he should think about telling them all about his goals. Wondering if he should tell them about Viktor. 

\---

“...white picket fences as far as the eye can see, I swear,” Sara said through her ice cream. She hadn’t told Yuuri all that much about Malen, hoping he’d be able to see it himself, but she couldn’t help but talk a little about her home. “As a kid I always wanted to leave, to go up into the stars, but once I left, I realized what leaving home really means.” 

“I realized that while I was applying to be a pilot,” Yuuri agreed. “I couldn’t do it. To be able to do that at all is impressive.” 

“Hey, at least Malen is pretty close to The Capital Cluster. I still don’t know how The Captain could do it. To be 14 and move halfway across the universe is insane.”

“He was 14?”

“I mean, he’s only 18 now,” Sara pointed out, using her spoon to articulate the point. She continued, her tone prideful. “He’s the youngest captain in the entirety of USEA history. I think he might be the youngest of equivalent rank in the entire military history.”

“You’re all pretty young to be at the top of the USEA.” Then he quickly added, “Not that I think you shouldn’t be.”

Sara only laughed, eating another big spoon full of ice cream. “It’s fine, we’ve all heard worse. Yuri was a captain at 18, Mila was the reason he could even go to The Stellar Academy. Protectors get five years of training not four because they are generally trained to do at least one other thing on the ship, just in case. Mila was trained as a mechanic as well as a protector and she started at 16, the youngest at the time.”

“Wow.”

“Yah…” Yuuri thought he could see stars in Sara’s eyes and wondered if Mila knew how Sara felt about her. He wondered if Sara was fully aware of how she felt. He was old enough, though, to have a pretty clear idea of how she felt, even if he had no way to gauge the depth of those feelings. “Compared to The Captain and Mila, the rest of us are not that special. I mean, being pilot at 23 is uncommon but it’s not unheard of. Navigators usually are pretty young, but most of them aren’t as well trained as a doctor as Mickey is. He took extra classes because he didn’t want to be underprepared for a medical emergency.”

“He’s a doctor?”

“Not exactly, but he’s trained as one. He didn’t have to, but he took classes in field surgery and stuff like that.” Sara smiled, her face soft. “He might act grumpy on the outside, and he is pretty grumpy, but he really cares about all of us. He’s very protective of me but he’s also protective of the rest of the crew. We’re family, you know? And that means a lot to all of us.”

Yuuri nodded because he understood. Sure, all the people in his life were forward with their love and their feelings of caring, but he remembered when he and Viktor first started dating and Viktor was still not great at talking about how he was feeling. Yuuri remembered stupid arguments because of stupid misunderstands. He remembered crying and he even remembered panic attacks. He remembered the make-ups and the apologizes and the cuddling. 

He missed it all, even the fighting. 

“Emil isn’t that young for a mechanic but, you should know that he’s still the best there is. He probably could have gotten into The Academy much younger if he wanted to but he’s always liked to stay close to Mickey and I. If we hadn’t gone to The Academy, I’m not sure Emil ever would have.” Sara worried about Emil for a lot of reasons, but his seeming lack of independence was one of the biggest ones. And it was a fear she also had about Mickey. “The Potya is already a state-of-the-art ship and yet he’s been able to make improvements.”

“Well, you’ve convinced me that you’re all qualified to be in the air.” Yuuri smiled at her, hoping she understood he was trying to be friendly and playful. Those were things that had become harder as of late, especially the friendly thing. “But, really, tell me more about Malen.”

“There isn’t much more to tell.” Sara shrugged. “I miss it, that’s really all there is to it.”

They ate their ice cream in silence for a couple of minutes, both of them lost in thought before Sara spoke up. Her voice was quiet and hesitant like she didn’t want to admit what she was saying out loud. 

“I miss the sky.”

“What?”

“I miss the sky. In Malen.” She smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. “It sounds silly because I’m flying into the sky and fulfilling my dreams but I miss the sky. I miss the stars I grew up looking at and I miss the constellations and I miss those blue skies. People might say you can find blue skies everywhere and that all the terraformed colonies have the same sky, but I’ve been to a lot of them and it’s not true. They’re similar but they’re not the same. There are so many variables that go into the color of the sky and no two skies are the same. I miss the blue I grew up under. And, more than anything, I miss the night sky.” 

She sniffled a little, discretely wiping at her eyes before giving up and grabbing a napkin to dab them with. Yuuri reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, causing her to start for a moment before relaxing, even if she still looked surprised. Yuuri tried to remember how he used to comfort Yuuko when they were children. Or comforting the Nishigori triplets when he visited home. Or comforting Viktor when he had a nightmare. 

“It’s hard, I know, but you’ll be okay.” Yuuri smiled at her, the smile genuine and calming. Sara thought it was beautiful and wondered how anyone would be able to resist it. She was pretty sure anyone who saw it would fall for Yuuri immediately, either romantically or just as a person. “You’ll get to see that sky again soon and, don’t forget, as long as you remember a person or a place, it always exists.” 

Those had been the words he chanted to himself day after day, week after week, in the hopes that they’d be true and he’d be able to move on. Every time he cried himself to sleep he’d sob out those words, hoping to make them a reality.

It had never worked for him, but maybe it would work for Sara. 

“Yah… you’re right.” Sara sniffled and blew her nose, before smiling tiredly at Yuuri. “Thanks for always listening. I know we’re basically strangers but it’s hard to talk to the others sometimes. I don’t want to burden them more.” 

“I understand.” And, oh, how much he understood. “I’m sure a stranger isn’t your ideal conversation mate but I’m here if you need me.”

“You’re not really a stranger, Yuuri.” Sara smiled wider. “I might not know much about you, but you’re not really a stranger anymore.”

And, maybe, she was right. Yuuri took his hand off her shoulder and they both went back to their ice cream, silent and contemplative again. 

Was Yuuri a stranger? They knew next to nothing about him and yet… 

What did it mean to be a stranger? He’d apparently known so little about Viktor but he wasn’t a stranger. When did someone go from a stranger to the most important person in your life? When did secrets or questions stop mattering? When did you start loving a person for who they are in that moment and not what you know about them?

Was that smart?

“We should probably get back to the ship,” Sara said when they finally finished their ice cream. “This was fun, though. Thanks for coming with me, even if I sort of forced you.”

“No, it was fun,” Yuuri agreed with a small smile. “It really was fun.”

He didn’t know what a stranger was or what it meant to be on a spaceship of only strangers. He didn’t know what it meant if they weren’t strangers but he did know one thing, he had to at the very least tell them where he was going.

These strangers deserved that much. 

\---

 

Sara wasn’t sure she could say that Yuuri was still skittish, but something was definitely still wrong. It was like he was worried about something, even if that something wasn’t whether or not he could trust the crew of The Potya.

But, like usual, Yuuri wasn’t exactly open to talking about what he was thinking. For as kind as he was to Sara and how he seemed not to be afraid of her anymore, he still talked as little about himself as possible. 

The first thing that seemed off about him was the fact that the quality of his cooking went down. Not just once or twice, but consistently he was burning food. He would over or under season meals. He would forget to make things he’d planned to make. When they ate, he would either over or under eat. It was getting to the point where Sara wondered if she should say something to him but she didn’t think Yuuri wanted her to point out what he was doing. 

But she was starting to worry about him. 

She couldn’t figure out where this sudden change had come from though it seemed to have started soon after Yuuri and she went shopping together. Sara worried it was because of something she said. Maybe she’d pushed too hard and he wished he hadn’t said some of what he’d told her. It wasn’t like he’d told her much, but he was such a private person that she worried. 

She really didn’t want to scare him away. 

In the end, her hesitancy led Yuri to take the initiative instead and find out what was wrong with Yuuri.

“Katsuki, this is the fifth time you’ve burned dinner in six days.” Yuri had cornered Yuuri after dinner, the rest of the crew scattering even if they were all sure to stay close enough to hear Yuri and Yuuri’s conversation. “What the hell is up with you?”

“Sorry, I guess my mind has been wandering lately.” Yuuri scratched the back of his neck, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but on the receiving end of Yuri’s glare.

“Duh, we can all see that. But what the hell is wrong?”

Yuuri laughed anxiously. “Wrong? Nothing.” 

“Look at my face,” Yuri said, pointing to himself. “Do I look like I believe you?”

“Umm…”

“The answer is no, I don’t look like I believe you because I don’t.” Elsewhere, Mila was trying desperately to suppress her laughter at Yuri’s dumb-sounding vibrato. “Now, let’s try again. What’s wrong?”

“Aah, I was just thinking about how far west you guys were going.”

“I said we’d take you to at least Danistan and I meant it.” Yuri crossed his arms. “Why?”

“It just doesn’t seem fair to make you go all that way–”

“Katsuki.” Yuri interrupted, looking exasperated. “Like I said, I wouldn’t have offered if it was a bother. Do you think I would offer just to be nice? We’re going west anyway and you should just shut up and come along.” Yuri stepped away from Yuuri, looking at the ground and lowering his voice. “And, like, if you want to talk and junk, we’re all here to talk to, I guess.” 

“Oh… thanks, then.” 

“It’s whatever.” Yuri turned, waving his hand around like he was trying to dispel the softness of his last offer. “It’s a captain’s job to take care of both his crew and his passengers. Besides, if you keep burning our food, we’ll have to eat Mickey’s cooking again and I’m pretty sure not even Emil wants that.”

Yuuri didn’t completely understand Yuri’s words — mostly the part about Emil — but he still smiled as Yuri left the dining room. Yuuri might not be ready to trust the crew of The Potya one hundred percent, but he was getting there. He was really starting to think that he somehow stumbled upon some of the few truly kind people in the universe. And wasn’t it hilarious that one of those kind people also used some of the most abrasive language Yuuri had ever heard?

“Okay,” Yuuri called through the still open door before it closed. “Thanks.”

\---

 

It was late a night and Yuuri couldn’t sleep. Instead, he sat cross-legged on his bed — could he really call it his bed? — and tried to think clearly about what he was going to tell the crew of The Potya. 

They wanted him to tell them everything, that was obvious, but he didn’t think he was ready to do that. He still couldn’t say what kept him from telling them about Viktor — other than his irrational feelings about wanting to keep Viktor to himself — and so it was hard to decide whether he should tell them or not. If he couldn’t figure out why he shouldn’t, then it meant he should tell them, right? 

But, that was the problem. Even though he couldn’t pinpoint the source of his hesitancy, he still felt it. Was it really just his need to be selfish about Viktor? Was it really this irrational feeling that if he shared his memories of Viktor, they would be diluted? 

No, he didn’t think so. He knew he had some weird, irrational thoughts but there was something else. Something about how Viktor disappeared. 

Yuuri was worried and that was the truth. He was worried that he didn’t know who to trust anymore. He was worried that anyone could be looking for Viktor. Yuuri didn’t know why Viktor felt he had to flee their home but Yuuri didn’t want to get him into more trouble. What if it was the government he was running from? Yuuri wasn’t going to judge him without hearing Viktor’s side of the story and he wasn’t about to tell some military spacemen about how his husband had disappeared with only a cryptic letter and some weird necklace. 

He wondered if the government could help him find Viktor. He wondered if it was stupid for him to be keeping this a secret. He wondered if telling almost nobody about Viktor’s disappearance had been stupid. 

Then again, he was pretty stupid so he thought there was a good chance that his choices had been stupid too. 

Yuuri sighed, trying to direct his thoughts back to deciding what to tell everyone about what he was doing couchsurfing and hitchhiking alone through space. He’d already told them he was going west. That was all. He’d told Sara he was looking for home and that he’d lost his home. 

He would tell them he was going to The Edge. That was the truth and that was somewhere to start. 

But why? What would he tell them when they inevitably asked why he was going to The Edge. Especially, they’d want to know why he needed to go to The Western Edge. He was from the outer region so it would probably seem like he should go east instead of west. 

But maybe he didn’t need to lie. He wondered if simply saying that there was a planet on the edge he wanted to go to would be enough. He doubted it would be but he could hope.

“Oh well,” he said into his quiet room. “I guess I just need to do it.”

These people had shown him kindness. They had given him a safe place to sleep and a place in their crew even though they knew nothing about him. He didn’t know much about them but he still knew something about them. They deserved more than he’d given them. 

He knew Viktor would want him to give them more than he had. 

“Viktor, they’d love you.” Yuuri laid back on the bed, deciding to try and get some sleep. “Maybe not Yuri, he’d probably say you’re annoying. But the others would probably love you. Sara and Mila would think you were great. Emil is friends with everyone, but I think he’d want to be good friends with you. Mickey might even like you a little. He and Yuri would probably pretend to not like you but, really, they’d probably like you to.” Yuuri rolled over, his hands under his head as he squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to stop the sudden tears in his eyes. “They’d love you… I love you… Gods, I love you. I miss you every day.” 

Finally, he fell silent and tried to keep his breathing even. He hadn't meant to think so much about Viktor. He hadn’t meant to cause himself this pain but it seemed to happen at every turn. 

Every thought in his mind seemed to lead back to Viktor and part of Yuuri hated that. Part of him loved it, though. 

He wasn’t ready to tell them about Viktor, but he was ready to tell them where he was going. He was ready to open up to them, just a small bit and maybe it was because for all the secrecy — secrecy that existed on both sides — he was starting to trust the crew of The Potya. 

For better or for worse, he was starting to feel like this really could be a temporary home. 

\---

Mickey didn't want to disagree with anyone on The Potya but he wasn't sure he trusted Yuuri. There was just something untrustworthy about him. Or, at least, something that made Mickey feel like he was probably a bad influence. 

It wasn't that Yuuri had secrets. Well, Mickey knew he had a lot but that wasn't the reason he seemed untrustworthy. Mickey would be hypocritical if he didn't like lies. He was full of lies.

Wasn't everyone?

Seeing Yuuri nervous just made Mickey more nervous. Yuuri had the nervous air Mickey could only equate to the person in a movie who sold out their friends and is waiting for the raid to happen, where they'll be revealed to be a traitor. Of course, maybe Mickey was just imagining that parallel because he was paranoid. Or maybe sometimes paranoid people were right.

“Dinner looks good tonight, Yuuri.” Sara smiled at Yuuri because she was a nice person and as much as Mickey wished she'd stop trying to get close to Yuuri, he understood that it was just in her personality. “How are you feeling tonight?”

“Fine,” he responded, sounding not fine as he stared at his plate which was already empty. Mickey could tell he was eyeing the extra food that hadn't been served even though he'd just wolfed down a large portion of it. 

“Katsuki, you are possibly the worst liar I've ever met,” Yuri told him through a mouthful of food. “Just because you didn’t burn dinner doesn’t mean we can’t tell you’re still about as fine as Mila’s ass.”

“Excuse me, my ass is extremely fine,” Mila countered, obviously trying not to laugh. “Right Sara?”

Sara turned red and sputtered, leading to Mila breaking and starting to laugh. Her laugh was loud and bright, the kind of laugh that people in a nice restaurant would be upset about but which was a truly happy laugh. 

Yuuri was glad for the moment without attention on him but that wasn’t why he smiled, his smile turning into a quiet chuckle as he tried not to laugh. He covered his mouth as a snort made its way out, drawing the attention of everyone to his poor attempt at not laughing. Finally, he broke and let out a loud laugh. It was similar to Mila’s in its loudness but with significantly more snorting. 

After a pause in Mila’s laughter to look at Yuuri, she continued laughing and everyone else joined in, the mood lighter than it had been a while. 

“Honestly, Katsuki, I didn’t know you knew how to laugh,” Yuri smirked at Yuuri. “I’m amazed.”

“I think that’s my line,” Yuuri shot back, smiling. “I’m surprised you can even smile.”

Mila snorted at Yuri’s honest look of shock. “Wow, Captain, Yuuri got you there.”

“Whatever,” Yuri said, leaning back in his chair. “So, you have something to say? You looked like you had something you wanted to say before.”

“Oh.” Yuuri blinked, surprised that Yuri had noticed. “Well… I thought…” Yuuri swallowed, taking a deep breath and continuing, his voice stronger. “I just was thinking that you all have helped me so much even though you don’t know anything about me. I thought that you deserved to know where I’m going.”

Everyone was silent, all seeming to hold their breath as they waited for Yuuri’s next words.

“I’m going west because… I’m going to The Edge of the Universe.” 

“The Edge,” Sara breathed, looking a little afraid in the way most people did when they thought about The Edge of the Universe. It wasn’t really the edge of the universe, but it was as far as had been explored and so, for them, it was the edge. Even though The Potya was an explorer ship and would, most likely, spend time past The Edge, it was still scary to think about it. Also, she was a little afraid to think about someone like Yuuri going there. “Why?”

“Like I told you, to find home.” Yuuri looked back down at his plate. “To find the home I lost.”

“But what does that mean,” Mickey crossed his arms, feeling like he trusted Yuuri less now. What madman wanted to go to The Edge? Other than members of the USEA, of course. 

“It means exactly what I said.” Yuuri bit his lip, looking for something he could say that would get him out of this line of questioning. “I lost my home and I’m looking for it again.”

“The Western Edge,” Yuri interrupted. “That’s a far way to go for a home.”

“Wouldn’t you do the same?” Yuuri looked up at Yuri, hoping this gamble would work. 

To his relief, Yuri nodded and looked away. “I guess you’re right.” He glanced back at Yuuri, then at everyone else. “I think that’s enough of this serious talk for tonight. We can continue this later.”

Everyone stood, Mila collecting dishes while Emil started to wash them. Sara and Mickey headed for the control room to make sure they were headed in the right direction. Before Yuuri could head back to his room, Yuri grabbed his arm.

“Thanks for telling us,” He said, not looking at Yuuri. “And… after Malen, I have some things to tell you.”

“Okay.” Yuuri wondered what Yuri could need to tell him and also wondered why he felt he needed to wait. After a moment of silence between then, Yuuri repeated, “Okay.”

Yuri nodded and let go of Yuuri, disappearing in the direction of his room and leaving Yuuri with more questions than before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, I hope you're ready for the next ~5 chapter arc :)


	4. I Missed the Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being back home was amazing, even if it was only for a little while. With Mickey on one side of her and Emil on the other, things felt normal for the first time in a while. Finally, Sara felt like things might just be okay even after all the bullshit they'd gone through in the last few months.
> 
> "Emil, Mickey, I think things are looking up," Sara said as they arrived at the Crispino house. She turned to smile at each young man before they made their way up the path.
> 
> It was the same stone path and the same white door on the same blue house. It was summer now, the warm wind blowing through the quiet suburb like Sara remembered it always doing.
> 
> Even after all the running they'd been doing, even after all the danger, she still felt so safe the moment she stepped out of the elevator.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to an arc that was originally 2 chapters but is now 4 :D I call it the Malen Arc. Okay, I call it something else but that something else is spoilers so...

"Coming into Malen."

Yuuri looked up from where he was cutting vegetables for dinner to listen to Sara's voice. They'd landed on IRHP-32 and were able to pick up some fresh fruits and vegetables. Sara had obviously wanted them and even though Yuri tried to say no to her, Mila eventually convinced him otherwise.

"For those of you who don't know about Malen," That would be Yuuri, "this small galaxy, IRG-31, is home to a single habitable planet, IRHP-31. Because of this, they both share the name, Malen, the last name of the captain who first discovered the planet." Yuuri snorted, he was pretty sure Sara was just reading from her electronic map now. "The planet is small and has few landing platforms. Instead, an orbital elevator was built to accommodate the small number of ships coming and going from the planet. While Emil, Mickey, and I go down to the surface to see our families, you are more than welcome to explore the space station, which offers many interesting features. Like, maybe someone could convince the Captain that we need to stock up on strawberries this time."

Yuuri walked over to where the intercom was, clicking the button for the control room.

"Sara, stop reading from a textbook." 

Sara chuckled at that. "I'm just trying to inform you about the greatest planet in the universe."

Yuuri rolled his eyes but smiled. For as much as he distrusted Sara — distrusted the whole crew — when he first met her, he now felt a lot more comfortable with her. He thought he might even like her now. She reminded him a little bit of Yuuko, his childhood friend, in the way that she was excitable and a bit dramatic.

He missed her. 

Yuuri felt bad for leaving his family with only a note, a lot like what Viktor did to him, but in the moment he figured out Viktor's destination, he knew he needed to go. He had already been so far behind Viktor and he needed to hurry if he ever wanted to catch up with the most important person in his life.

But that didn't mean he didn't think about his family and how they'd probably get a call from his landlord or his employer or the police saying that he'd disappeared. They'd see the note, scrawled in handwriting much messier than what he usually used, and they'd wonder if this had actually been left by Yuuri. They probably read it time and time again, looking for more information or for a reason. Looking for a way to find him or contact him. They'd do everything Yuuri did with Viktor's letter but they'd find no secret language or hidden meanings. They wouldn't find a hidden medallion with no good explanation whose true meaning could only be guessed at.

The ship clicked into whatever docking device the space station used and Yuuri was pulled out of his thoughts, heading back to finish making dinner even though there was a good chance it wasn't even dinner time on the space station. It would only be him, Mila, and Yuri tonight so there wasn't as much to make but Yuuri had realized not long after starting that he had begun making dinner for two instead of three, his mind having wandered far enough to forget where he was and what he was supposed to be doing.

A few minutes after the ship docked, Sara appeared in the kitchen, having to pass through this common area to get to the exit.

"Hey, Yuuri."

"Hi, Sara." Yuuri glanced up from where he was finishing dinner. "Excited to see your family?"

"I am, it's been so long." Sara smiled wistfully. "I went to school in The Capital Cluster and then stopped seeing them as much. In four years of training, I only went home once for longer than a week."

"I understand," Yuuri nodded. "I was living in my home cluster but on a different planet and even then I didn't go home very often. I'm not sure I've seen my hometown and my family in person in over a year of local time." Yuuri frowned. "I guess that makes me a pretty bad son and brother. And friend."

"Things happen." Sara shrugged. "Everyone does it because nobody thinks they're not going to have the option. It's like how you might not tell someone you love them every time you see them but you never notice until you can't say it again."

Yuuri nodded mutely, wondering suddenly if he told Viktor he loved him before they went to bed that fateful night. Did Viktor leave not knowing for sure whether or not Yuuri loved him? Had Yuuri not said so enough and that was the reason that Viktor left him behind to go on a confusing and vague trip past The Edge of the Universe?

Had Viktor told Yuuri he loved him that night?

"One day you should show me where you're from," Sara said, taking a few steps towards the exit. "And maybe show me how you got to IRG-63."

"That would be interesting," Yuuri agreed, silently remembering how Sara hadn't let him see her pilot's map when he last tried to look at it. She'd been so careful about not letting him see any of it that he wondered if this was a real wish on her part. "You should get going."

"You're right." Sara turned her face back to smile at Yuuri. "Good luck with dinner and make sure the Captain eats something. He tends to not eat when he's stressed and I know how much visits like this stress him out."

Before Yuuri could ask why his crew visiting their family would cause Yuri concern, Sara was already gone, leaving Yuuri to ask his questions silently.

\---

Being back home was amazing, even if it was only for a little while. With Mickey on one side of her and Emil on the other, things felt normal for the first time in a while. Finally, Sara felt like things might just be okay even after all the bullshit they'd gone through in the last few months.

"Emil, Mickey, I think things are looking up," Sara said as they arrived at the Crispino house. She turned to smile at each young man before they made their way up the path.

It was the same stone path and the same white door on the same blue house. It was summer now, the warm wind blowing through the quiet suburb like Sara remembered it always doing. It was calming, this environment. It wasn't like the city where they'd been educated, with its consistent industrial feel.

Malen was home but more than that it was a place of careful living, careful families, and careful love. Malen was the perfect place to raise a family, in Sara's opinion, because it was friendly and safe. Even after all the running they'd been doing, even after all the danger, she still felt so safe the moment she stepped out of the elevator.

"Who's going to knock?" Emil asked. "What if they've moved?"

"They haven't moved," Sara assured him, reaching out to knock on the door. "They'll be happy to hear from us. I wonder how much they've been told."

"Probably not much." Mickey didn't look very happy but the tightness in his shoulders that Sara had noticed growing as of late was finally softening. "They probably think we just had to study for exams or something."

"Guess we'll find out," Sara said as they heard the sound of footsteps approaching the door.

The door was opened by a woman with brown hair and purple eyes. She looked older than the last time they'd seen her, some gray obvious in her hair and the wrinkles on her face more prominent. Despite the fact that Sara knew exactly how old her mother was, the woman looked older than a woman in her mid-forties should look. 

“Hi, mom.” Sara waved a little, her mother’s face cycling through multiple emotions in a few seconds.

Sofia Crispino finally landed on confused terror, slapping her hands over her mouth as she collapsed to her knees.

“Mom!” Mickey took a step towards her but she flinched backward, knocking herself onto the floor.

“Stay away from me!” She looked angry now, but the terror was still there. “I don't know who you are but get away from me!”

“Mom?” Mickey looked at Emil and Sara. “What are you talking about?”

“Sofia?” An older man appeared in the entryway, hair completely gray and eyes a pretty gray-blue. When he saw what had caused his wife to shout, his eyes widened. “What…?”

“Dad, please,” Sara pleaded. “It's us.”

“How?”

“What do you mean how?”

“How are you here? You can't be here.”

“Danielle?” Emil finally spoke, looking pale and like this entire situation was more shocking to him than the twins. He was trying hard not to let the tears stinging at the back of his eyes fall. “What's going on? Why are you doing this?”

“Emil…” Danielle took a breath before walking to his wife and helping her up. “Sofia, I think it's them.”

“But how?” She asked. “I want it to be them, I really do, but what if it's a trick?”

“Why don't you think it can be us?” Sara finally asked, concern slowly rising in her veins as she began to think something was wrong here.

“Because,” Danielle looked at them seriously, “The USEA told us you were dead.”

In that moment, Sara was sure they were all fucked.

\---

Mila was the first one to show up for dinner only about a minute after Yuuri announced it was ready.

“What's for dinner tonight?” She asked, grabbing a plate and heading over to get dinner.

“Canned chickpea salad with semi-fresh herbs and a lemon dressing.”

“Did you use the real lemons?” She asked and Yuuri nodded. “Sara is going to be so jealous.”

“They're getting a home cooked meal so I doubt it.”

Mila smiled at Yuuri before heading to the kitchen table. “This is home cooked too.”

Before Yuuri could respond, Yuri appeared looking haggard and like he hadn't slept in weeks. His face was set in a deep frown, his eyebrows knitted together.

Without a word, he grabbed a small helping of dinner and moved to leave the kitchen.

“Oh no you don't,” Mila said, getting up and grabbing Yuri. “You're eating here with us.”

“Mila, let me go,” He growled but Mila didn't follow his command. “Mila, I’m your captain.”

“And I respect that but because you're my captain I need to make sure you don't overwork yourself. You're staying here and being part of the family.”

Yuuri walked over with a plate of his own and the bowl of extras. When Mila finally forced Yuri into a seat, Yuuri put more food on his plate and took a seat of his own.

“What the hell are you two playing house for?” He snarled even as he started to eat.

“We're not playing house, were playing make sure our captain doesn't kill himself.” Mila gave Yuri a withering look and he grumbled a little but didn't say anything more, their dinner continuing in silence.

“So, all three of them are from the same planet?" Yuuri asked, feeling uncomfortable in the silence mostly because Yuri kept glaring at him like Yuuri was trying to poison him or something.

"They grew up together," Mila explained. "Emil used to be their next door neighbor and the three of them were best friends."

"Used to be?"

"Emil's house burned down." Mila looked down at her food. "He was twelve and his parents didn't make it out. He had no other family but the Crispino's took him in."

"I didn't know."

"They don't talk about it much."

"I can see why."

Yuri stood suddenly, bringing his empty plate to the sink before heading towards the control room.

"I'm going to make sure everything is going okay planetside. If you two want, you can go check out the space station."

"Okay," Mila said, looking worriedly at Yuri’s retreating figure before turning to look at Yuuri. "I'll clean up. You can do whatever you want. Just make sure you bring a communicator with you in case we need to contact you."

"Sounds good, but I think I'm going to go lay down," Yuuri admitted. "I'm pretty tired."

"Okay, I'll call you if–"

"Mila, Katsuki." Yuri's voice sounded from the intercom, his tone filled with a deep concern that seemed to be masking a profound panic. "I need you both to get in the shuttle and pick up those planeside as quickly as possible."

Mila ran for the intercom, slamming the talk button. "What's going on?"

"There's something wrong down there. I think they laid a trap for us."

"Fuck, are you serious?"

"I was listening into the audio stream and their parents were told they were dead. I expect they have eyes on the house. They might have already alerted someone when we landed too, depending on how far the surveillance goes."

"What are you talking about?" Yuuri asked, standing now but still next to the kitchen table. "What's going on."

"Katsuki, I'll explain everything later but for right now I need you to fly Mila down to the surface. The elevator will take too long and it might be protected."

"I can do it myself," Mila insisted, throwing a worried look back at Yuuri.

"No, you're no good as a pilot and you know it. And in case something happens down there, I need to make sure some of you make it back." Yuri took a long breath. "Yuuri, I don't ask you to help us lightly but my crew is down there and in serious danger."

"I want to know what's going on."

"He wants to know what's going on," Mila repeated into the intercom.

"I'll explain everything when you get back," Yuri told him, sounding unhappy as he said so. "But right now we don't have a lot of time and I need to stay up here and try to jam our signal."

"Okay," Yuuri said, feeling strangely calm in the moment. He stepped closer to the intercom so Yuri could hear him. "I'll help."

"Thank you." Yuri sounded almost pained by having to thank Yuuri. "Now you two need to go. Mila, make sure he's got a gun."

"Will do, Captain." Mila looked at Yuuri as she let go of the intercom button. "Let's go."

\---

"Do you three read me? Over." Yuri's voice was suddenly in Sara's ear and she was thankful for it.

"We're here. Did you hear what we heard? Over."

"I did. I'm sending Mila and Yuuri down in the shuttle to get you three. They're going to go to your general location but I don't want either side to broadcast a location so Mila will come for you after they land. Don't broadcast your location until I tell you to. I'm trying to keep our communications to a minimum so they can't find us. Where are you now? Over."

"That all sounds good. We're still at our house for now. We'll get moving once we end this." Sara paused, looking at her watch for a bearing. "I know we said we were going to the edge but I was thinking of doing the opposite. Over."

"Understood." Sara sincerely hoped he did. "I'll give Yuuri the bad news. Over and out."

The communication cut out and Sara looked around the table where her parents looked confused while Mickey and Emil looked expectant.

"We're going to head out as soon as possible. Mila and Yuuri are making an emergency landing for us but the police have probably been alerted already."

"The police?" Sofia looked bewildered. "What is going on?"

"The USEA told you we were dead so that obviously means they don't care if they take us in alive or not," Sara said, wishing this could have been just a simple visit but knowing that if they wanted a simple visit they never should have crossed The USEA. "The Pavlova will probably be en route."

"But they'll have to understand if we just explain ourselves," Emil insisted. "The crew of The Pavlova are good people."

"And they're a loyal exploration crew," Mickey pointed out. "They were called out of retirement to chase us."

"They're not who we have to worry about." Sara was shaking her head. "I think if they catch us they'll keep us alive. I'm worried about the local police. They've probably been told some pretty bad things about us and I'll bet they won't be against shooting to kill."

"We should get going then." Mickey looked down at the table. "We don't want anyone to get caught up in that if it does happen."

"Mom, Dad," Sara smiled at her parents. "We love you so much and no matter what they tell you about us, please don't believe them. We're doing this because we have to. We're doing this because it's the right thing and you always taught us to do the right thing, not the easy thing."

"We love you too." Danielle's face was pale. "But why are you doing this?"

"We can't have you knowing too much." Mickey shook his head and stood, all three heading around the table to give Danielle and Sofia hugs. "It would be dangerous for you. Just know it's for the best."

"Love you guys," Emil murmured. "Thank you for everything you've done for me."

They stepped back and both Emil and Mickey turned to look at Sara, who nodded.

"Time to move out."

\---

"You know how to use a gun, right?" Mila asked as she handed Yuuri a small handgun.

"More or less. I've only shot one once, though, so I'm not sure how good I'll be."

"Only use it if you're cornered." Mila bit her lip. "I'll make sure that doesn't happen, though. You'll be staying with the ship, so they shouldn’t bother you. Assuming everything works correctly, they won't know where this shuttle is once we land. You'll land us west of their house and I'll head towards the east. Once I reach their house I'll call them for a specific location. Then they'll know where we are so it'll be a race against time and our honestly pretty bad luck."

"Wouldn't it be better for them to just wait it out?"

"We don't have that kind of time," Mila explained as she strapped more guns to her body than Yuuri thought was necessary. "There'll be more people after us in space and we need to get away from them as soon as possible."

"Who’s after you?" Yuuri asked as he went through the sequence of buttons and dials he always checked before taking off.

He wasn't exactly the most experienced pilot and the idea of making a landing on a planet he'd never been on now seemed like a bad idea. He wasn't sure where his calm from early had come from but it was gone now, replaced when shaky hands and a hope that even without a platform to land on, the ship would be able to do most of the work for him.

"It's a long story." Mila smiled at him, taking a seat and buckling in. "I swear the Captain will explain when you get back."

"Why not you?"

"I might not get back." She was still smiling, seemingly unconcerned with her possible death. "What?"

"How are you so calm right now?" He took a deep breath, uncoupling from the ship while he input the data on where they were going to land and also increased the power to their cloaking.

"I have one job, protect the crew," Mila explained, closing her eyes. She took a single, deep breath through her nose before letting it out through her mouth. "As long as they get back safely, I'll be happy."

"You care about your job that much?"

They were already hitting the atmosphere and Yuuri was staring intently at the heat gauges, waiting for them to drop enough to make it safe to use their thrusters. The scariest thing about this entire descent was that there were so many variables Yuuri just didn't know. Gravity, air contents, atmosphere thickness. He knew the altitude they were now and the altitude of the place they'd be landing and that was at least something but he was still worried because without knowing about these variables beforehand, he couldn't be sure his readouts were accurate.

All these concerns were the exact reason he'd decided being a pilot wasn't for him.

"I care about my crewmates, not my job." She still had her eyes closed. "My family told me that loyalty to your family is paramount and the USEA told me that loyalty to your government is your number one priority but neither of those is right. The people you choose to be loyal to, those are the people that matter the most. Those loyalties are the most important. My crew is my family and I'll be loyal to them until the end because I choose to be loyal to them. My job here is to protect them and I will be loyal to that job because it means being loyal to them."

Yuuri saw a light for heat turn from red to green and then began to slow their descent. He wanted to be going as fast at each moment as possible while allowing for them to land safely. He would just have to hope that the computer's calculations were right and that their cloaking systems continued to work. As they began to gradually slow, Mila opened her eyes to look at Yuuri.

"What are you loyal to?"

Yuuri thought about all the people he left behind. He thought about all the people he loved and cared about who were thrown out the window in his attempt to find a single person. He thought about Viktor and about how, in the end, he was loyal to a man who had left him with a cold bed and a note. He'd thrown out his loyalties to people who were still there for him, still there to love him, all for one man and he didn't know what that meant. He didn't know if that made him a bad person but he suspected it did.

"You don't have to answer that," Mila finally said when Yuuri spent too long just opening and closing his mouth silently. "It was just something to think about."

"Yah..." Yuuri sent a prayer to whatever god was listening that he could be forgiven for forsaking his loyalties to his family. But Viktor had been his family — his world — and living without him hurt. Maybe they'd been too dependant on each other but by the time Viktor left, it was too late to worry about that. Yuuri had already been hurt but he had been left a way to fix the hurt. He'd been left a way to learn from the hurt. "Something to think about."

He always thought that Viktor had seen Yuuri as his world, just like Viktor was Yuuri's world, but now that was all being called into question. Would he have left if that was true? Did Viktor feel any loyalty towards Yuuri or was it all one sided?

Had it always been one-sided?

"We'll be landing in one minute." Yuuri was able to say while he did his best to push those unhelpful thoughts away. "Get ready to brace. It won't be a crash landing, but it's not going to be soft either."

"Okay then." She smiled at Yuuri. "Let's go."

\---

They were perched on a tree when the communication came in.

"Send Mila your coordinates."

Yuri sounded tired. Sara was worried about him even while she knew she should be worrying about herself right now. For as much as she knew he hated to be thought of as young, he was just so young and she wished he could have had an easier road. She wished he'd chosen an easier road. She wondered if she should have told him to get back in line when he stepped out instead of following him into this abyss.

"I haven't gotten any word about The Pavlova being in the area so we have time. I haven't been able to catch any police chatter so I don't know whether they've been mobilized. Maybe this was all an overreaction." There was a long pause before he added, "Over."

"Hopefully," Sara murmured, setting up a signal for Mila. "And the signal is up. See you on the other side, Captain. Over."

"You four better not die on me," He said, the anger in his voice barely noticeable as he tried desperately to sound normal. But normal was hard when you were worried your crew, the only family you had left, wouldn't come back. "And make sure you get Katsuki back safe. Wouldn't want to get a reputation for killing our guests. Over and out."

"Will do, Captain. Over and out."

Now they just had to wait for Mila to come and get them. And to pray.

\---

There was no police presence at the house and Mila was starting to wonder if maybe they overreacted. She hadn't seen a single police officer this entire time and while part of her knew that was normal, the part of her who was on edge was worried that meant something bad.

But maybe it just meant that they were overreacting. Maybe they weren't a big deal to the USEA after all. Maybe they'd just told the Crispino's that they were dead because it was easier than explaining what had actually happened. It might be easier than admitting they'd lost control of their most promising crew.

"Captain, can you hear me? Over."

"What's up, Mila? Over."

"Have you heard anything from the police? I haven't seen anything out here. Over."

"I haven't heard anything." Yuri paused, both him and Mila stewing in the feeling of unease this was bringing on. "Just keep a sharp eye. Over and out."

"Will do." Mila hurried past the house, heading east towards Sara's location, praying that this seemingly good luck would continue. If it didn't, she was prepared, but a shootout with local police wasn't what she wanted right now.

It was one thing to fight with the USEA, who all knew what was going on. It just felt wrong to fight police who probably had very little idea what was happening or why they were trying to capture or kill the crew of the Potya.

As she rounded a corner she was faced with exactly what she was afraid of finding. A roadblock made up of three police cars and what looked like 8 police officers, all with weapons drawn and pointed in Mila's direction.

"Stop where you are!" One of them shouted. "State your name a business."

"I'm Margret, I was just heading home." She put her hands up, hoping they wouldn't notice the way her clothes didn't lay flat. "Is there something going on?"

"We got a call about an active shooter in the area." Mila couldn't tell if they were lying or if that's how the USEA had called it in. "You should have gotten an alert about it."

"On what? My phone is dead."

"Well, head home then. Officer Daniels will go with you." A young man came out from behind the roadblock to go with Mila.

"Thank you for the escort," Mila said, trying to figure out how to get out of this. First, she'd need to get away from this roadblock. She'd also have to figure out how they were going to get around it on the way back.

This was going to be a hard play.

\---

 

Yuri sat in still silence as he listened to the various news feeds and police radios. There was nothing from the USEA on their main channels so he was hoping that was a good sign. In all likelihood that wasn't a good sign. The police had nothing and the news wasn't reporting anything of interest.

Once he had enough of that, he flipped on Mila's line and started on improving the ship's jamming.

 _"Here's my house._ Mila's voice was muffled and Yuri guessed she'd been forced to put her communicator somewhere out of sight. _"I use the back door. If you want to come around you can but I'm sure I'll be safe."_

_"Ma'am, I need to make sure you're inside and safe."_

Yuri snorted at anyone calling Mila ma'am. Mila was someone to be respected but she was about as far as you could get from someone who deserved _that_ kind of respect. Yuri also knew she wouldn't want that kind of respect, she always said it smelled too much like someone looking down on her. Yuri couldn't quite understand that reasoning but it wasn't like he cared. He wasn't going to call her ma'am either way.

_"Well, feel free to come around back, then."_

After a few moments, Yuri heard what sounded like someone gasping for air then the careful dropping of a body. He leaned over to control panel, a smirk on his face as he called Mila.

"Please tell me you knocked him out. Over."

" _Of course I did, I'm not a monster._ " Even with the faux-offense in her voice, Mila couldn't help but chuckle. " _I'm on my way towards the others. I might be slow getting back because we'll need to get around the police roadblock. I really don't want a shootout. Over and out._ "

"Sounds good. Over and out."

Yuri leaned back in the pilot's seat for only a moment before leaning back to the control panel and hitting some buttons to go back to checking for USEA chatter.

This had been a trap, that much was clear, but why wasn't there any chatter on the USEA frequencies? They couldn't know that Yuri had broken into the frequencies he wasn't supposed to have access to, could they?

Then again, if the crew of The Pavlova was in charge of their capture then maybe they did know exactly how much The Potya knew. If anyone knew what this crew was capable of, it was the crew of The Pavlova.

Yuri just hoped he could evade them well enough to not have to come face to face with that crew. There were three of the best explorers the USEA had ever had and one new face to replace the only member of the team no longer alive. They were a formidable foe and even if they weren't, Yuri didn't particularly want to see any of those people right now.

He shrugged because speculating wouldn't do them any good. The only thing he could do now was to get his crew and Yuuri safely out of this cluster.

\---

"Sara?"

Sara looked down from where her, Mickey, and Emil were perched, glad to see Mila. She jumped down, landing quietly behind Mila, who turned at the slight noise. Her muscles were tight as she reached for her gun, only to stop and sigh in relief.

"Sara, thank god." She took a step forward, opening her arms slightly but then stopping. "I'm glad you're all safe. We were all so worried."

"You made it through safely too, I'm glad." Sara didn't pause as she stepped forward, pulling Mila into a tight hug. After a few seconds, she stepped back and gave Mila a smirk. "So how are we getting back?"

"Well, given I'm supposed to be safe at home I can't exactly walk down the middle of the street. I don't know if they have police stationed elsewhere but we can at least go around the roadblock I saw."

"Sounds good." Sara looked back at Emil and Mickey. "You two ready?"

They nodded and Emil gave Mila and Sara a tired smile.

"Then, let's go." Mila returned the smile with a tired one of her own.

\---

Yuuri wished he could say he was bored, but it was hard to be bored when you were as on edge as he was. He'd heard nothing from either Mila or Yuri since they landed. He thought that was because they didn't want to give away his position but he wasn't sure, so he was afraid it meant he'd been left behind. Or that they were dead.

Yuuri heard someone open the outside door and he turned to say hello, only to be met with an unfamiliar face and a gun pointed at him.

"Stay where you are!" The man shouted and Yuuri put his hands up, feeling the gun in his pocket but knowing that he wouldn't be able to grab it before this officer shot him. "What's your name?"

"Yuuri Katsuki." He answered, trying his best to stop his hands from shaking. "What is going on?"

"You aren't one of them."

The officer seemed confused he kept one hand up so the gun was pointing at Yuuri but with the other, he was looking at a digital screen of some sort.

"You aren't one of them," He repeated.

"One of who?"

"Yuri Plisetsky, Mila Babicheva, Emil Nekola, Sara Crispino, and Michelle Crispino are all wanted by the USEA on charges of theft and dissertation."

"I... what?"

"Sir, I think you've been lied to." The man said, lowering his gun a little but not all the way. "My name is Alex and I can help you. We need to take these people in, though. They're very dangerous."

"What did they do?"

"Stole the vessel this shuttle comes from." He gestured around with his free hand. "Then they left their assigned post. Or I guess they left their post then they stole this."

"I don't..."

Yuuri's mind was reeling. Something was wrong here, it had to be. He knew something felt wrong with them but they'd been so good to him. They hadn't hurt him but maybe that was just because he'd believed their lie about being on a 'secret mission.' It seemed like such an obvious lie now but he'd wanted to believe it.

Deserters, though? He wouldn't have guessed that. Yuri was so young, they all were, he would never have guessed that they weren’t sanctioned by the government.

People didn't just desert for no reason, though. If they'd left, especially people so young, there had to be a reason. Something in his said that Viktor would trust them, that he should trust them, that they were trustworthy. He knew there had to be a reason for people like them to do something like this. There was a reason. There had to be. 

And they were his best hope right now. He couldn't get stuck in an interrogation room or under the eye of the government. He needed to get to the edge of the universe and he needed to do it as fast as possible.

"I can see you're still unsure," Alex said and he lowered his gun, pointing it towards the ground. "I don't know why you're with them, but I can help you. The USEA can help you get whatever you need."

"You can't help me." Yuuri shook his head, reaching for his gun and pointing it at the man. "Please leave. I need these people. They're my only hope."

"Mr. Katsuki, please calm down." Alex put his hands up, his gun firmly in his right hand still. "What are they helping you with? Do you have debts? A criminal record?"

"You don't know anything about me." Yuuri didn't want to shoot this man but he couldn’t stay. He was too far behind Viktor already and any setback would drive him further into the madness that was starting to eat away at him. "I have places to go and this is the fastest ship in the universe. I can't stop moving. There are people waiting for me."

"Mr. Katsuki–"

"Leave!"

How had his life gotten to this point? Where did he go wrong to end up pointing a gun at an officer of the law?

"I can't do that."

There was a moment of silence between them but then Alex was moving. Yuuri shot his gun but missed the other man completely, then he felt some of the worst pain he'd ever felt radiating up his leg. He collapsed to the ground and tried to grab the gun but another shot went off, this one hitting his arm but not causing him as much pain. He couldn't tell exactly why that one didn't hurt as much but that was mostly because the pain in his leg was starting to cause him to brown out.

Alex was still enough in the doorway that Yuuri could see him silhouetted against the daytime outside. His gun was trained on Yuuri and he didn't know what to do. If he lunged for his gun, Alex would surely kill him but if he stayed like this what would happen to him? How badly was he injured? If they waited too long would this gunshot kill him?

Before he could think of any more endings to this situation and to his life, another figure appeared in the doorway. Alex hadn't even started turning when he was on the ground and the person was on top of him.

The last thing Yuuri heard in that shuttle was a gunshot.

\---

Yuri was waiting when the shuttle doors opened. He hadn't heard anything from them except for Sara stammering out a call for a gurney. He hadn't been able to get anything else from her or from anyone so he did as he was asked and waited, trying to pretend he wasn't shaking with fear and anxiety.

From the shuttle Emil rushed out, putting a pale figure on the gurney. The person's right pant leg had been torn off and they were heavily bandaged. It took Yuri much too long to realize the person was Yuuri.

"What happened?"

"We don't have time," Mickey said, taking charge of the situation. As the only person with medical training, he was the only one ready to handle this. Even so, he looked pale and shaky. "Emil, I need you to help me."

"Me?" Emil wasn't looking great. Looking at everyone, Yuri was starting to think that Yuuri looked the best of anyone here.

Sara was shaky but already heading towards the front of the ship, knowing she needed to get this ship out of this galaxy as soon as possible. Mila followed her and nobody argued or asked her to stay. The two women were close friends and, right now, they needed each other. Yuri wasn't going to stop that.

"Sara needs to fly this ship, Mila is no help, and Yuri has to tell Sara where to fly." Emil nodded and Mickey smiled slightly at him.

They were already headed towards the medical bay when Yuuri started to mumble a struggle.

"Viktor... No don't– Viktor, please! Where–?" Yuri was still running with Emil and Mickey towards the medical bay. "I'm sorry Viktor. I'm sorry." Yuuri's voice was becoming fainter. "Viktor... Viktor... Viktor..."

He fell silent as the reached the med bay, Mickey starting to prep Yuuri as soon as the gurney stopped.

"I wonder who Viktor is," Emil said as he started to pull off Yuuri's shirt, wanting to check the wound on his arm. It seemed to be only a graze but he wanted to be sure. As he pulled the shirt off, he was surprised to find Yuuri wearing two necklaces. Before he could really look at them, Mickey needed help so he just pulled the necklaces off and handed them to Yuri.

"You should get out of here," Mickey said. "You won't want to be here, Captain."

"Okay... Call me if he gets worse."

"We will." Mickey paused in his work to look at Yuri. "If you can, get some sleep. You look terrible."

"Is that any way to talk to your captain?"

Yuri tried to sound angry. Tried to give them some semblance of normality but he failed. He felt so young in this moment, so underprepared for being the captain of a ship, especially one that was hurtling through space away from the very people who trained him. The people who raised him and taught him not just how to be a captain but how to be a person.

"It's just the truth, Sir." Emil smiled and gave Yuri a thumbs up as he left the med bay, necklaces in hand. "Listen to Mickey's advice."

Yuri disappeared with only a raised hand, his head turned away from where Mickey and Emil were trying to stop Yuuri's bleeding.

He headed to the kitchen, sitting down at the table to look at the two necklaces. One had a simple gold ring on it. The inside of the ring had half a snowflake etched into it and by the look of it, Yuri guessed it was a wedding ring. Yuuri had never mentioned being engaged, let alone married and Yuri wondered how much he'd been hiding.

Not that he could judge.

The other necklace was much stranger. It was a gold medallion with the number, seventy-one, etched into it. Yuri didn't know what it could mean but they seemed like personal objects. He'd be sure to put them near Yuuri once his surgery was done.

With a sigh, he stood and headed to the control room, leaving the necklaces behind.

\---

"You need to get that looked at," Sara said with a quick glance at Mila, eyeing her right arm where Mila had been grazed by a bullet. "You're bleeding."

"It's not that bad.” Mila reached over to touch the wound gingerly, flinching slightly when she did. Even so, she’d had worse in the past and wasn’t too worried about the injury. It could wait for a little longer. “When Yuuri is out of surgery I'll ask Mickey to look at it."

"I'm worried about you." Sara looked at Mila for a long time, her face pale and worried but her eyes soft and loving. Mila wasn't looking at her, though, and instead had her eyes trained on the screen showing where they were.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to worry you." Mila stepped closer to the screen as Yuri stepped into the control room. "Where are we headed?"

"To the next galaxy.” Sara turned to look back at her controls. “It has no habitable planets but it has a lot of nebula activity, which causes a lot of interference. We might be able to lose them in there. Then we can make a longer jump."

"We'll be safe then?"

"Maybe," Yuri answered, walking to stand next to Mila, handing her a napkin he’d grabbed from the kitchen. Mila accepted it silently and pressed it to her wound, hoping to slow the bleeding. "But if The Pavlova is really on our tail, it'll be hard to shake them. The Edge of The Universe might be our only chance to outrun them."

"So you really want to take him?" Mila wasn't sure taking Yuuri was a good idea especially not after what just happened.

"If he's still alive."

"Captain!" Sara paled, losing the little color she'd regained. "You don't think he's going to die, do you?"

"I don't know." He shrugged, too tired to be careful with his words. Not that he was ever particularly careful with his words. "We'll have to hope Mickey can help him."

"Yuri," Mila put a hand on his arm. "You should get some sleep."

"Do I really look that bad to you all?" He asked, a little irritated that his crew would be worried about him.

"You've looked terrible for days." Mila continued undeterred by Yuri's irritation. "You won't do us any good if you're not sleeping."

"Captain, please get some sleep." Sara added, "I'm sorry this happened but you need to be at your best from now on. For now, I can deal with things here. We'll be in our first short jump soon, then they won't be able to stop us until we exit the jump."

Yuri sighed, pursing his lips as he crossed his arms over his chest. It was true he wasn't sleeping and it was mostly due to fears about the exact thing that happened today happening. Now their 'guest' was badly injured and his entire crew was either injured or scared sick. He’d never say it, but he felt like a terrible captain. He felt like people had been right about him. He was too young — too inexperienced — to be the captain of such a great ship.

The same people who’d called him a genius quickly changed their tune when he got any power and maybe they’d been right to do so.

“Fine, I’ll try to get some sleep.” He turned away from Mila and Sara. “Make sure I’m alerted if Yuuri gets worse or wakes up.” 

“Don’t worry, we’ll keep you up to date.” Mila smiled at Yuri even though he couldn’t see her, just glad that he was going to lay down. She doubted he’d sleep and if he did it wouldn’t be for long but... she was just glad that he was going to lay down. 

When he was gone, Mila stepped closer to Sara, putting a hand on her shoulder and squeezing it lightly. She could see the silent worry still creased into Sara’s face as she stared blindly at her controls. 

“Yuuri will be fine.”

Sara turned to look at Mila, looking small. “Are you sure?” 

“I’m sure.” Sara leaned forward, her head leaning softly against Mila’s shoulder. “Now let’s get into that jump so you can get some sleep too.” 

Sara’s voice was muffled by Mila’s shirt. “Then you’ll get your arm check out?”

“Yep.” Mila reached a hand up to run it through Sara’s hair. “Everything is going to be okay.”

Mila just hoped she was right.


	5. I Miss Life Being Simple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This morning Yuuri woke up to light streaming into their room, feeling refreshed. Next to him was Viktor, his hair fluffy and shining as it fell a little into his closed eyes. 
> 
> Without speaking, Yuuri reached out to touch his husband’s hair. He felt something nostalgic and melancholy, the burning deep in Yuuri’s stomach clear as day. Clear as this morning, with its soft light and his even softer husband. 
> 
> Yuuri loved watching Viktor wake up and it was totally worth getting up before noon.

Yuuri wasn’t a morning person. He’d never been a morning person in his life, not even as a kid. Some kids, maybe even most kids, could wake up at 4 in the morning and be ready for the day. Not Yuuri. He’d hated mornings so much as a toddler that his parents had taken him to see a doctor, thinking something was wrong. Mari had not been like him, she’d woken up fine in the morning, so Hiroko and Toshiya had been a little worried about their youngest until the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him. Just not a morning person, the doctor had laughed. 

So Yuuri wasn’t a morning person. 

Viktor, on the other hand, was one of the few true morning people in the world. There were plenty of people who could wake up early or even liked too despite their exhaustion but then there was Viktor. He not only could and would wake up by, at latest, 7 every morning, but he’d be _awake_. And he always tried to force Yuuri to wake up early too. 

This morning, though, Yuuri woke up to light streaming into their room—it had to be 8—feeling refreshed. He was vaguely aware of some pain but he couldn’t quite locate it, deciding it was just another one of his headaches. He woke up with headaches a lot. His doctor thought it was because his anxious mind kept his body tightly wound even in sleep. 

Next to him was Viktor, his hair fluffy and shining as it fell a little into his closed eyes. Yuuri couldn’t remember what they’d done last night so, he guessed, they’d been drinking. And that would make sense, heavy drinking was one of the few things that kept Viktor from waking up early. After so many years of marriage, Viktor would still try and keep up with Yuuri when they drank together and so, if Yuuri wasn’t feeling kind enough to slow down for his husband, Viktor would end up very, very drunk. 

But Viktor didn’t look hungover this morning so maybe that wasn’t it. Usually, when Viktor fell asleep drunk, he slept with his mouth wide open, drooling all over their pillows. Or all over Yuuri if it was one of those nights were Viktor fell asleep on his husband. 

Without speaking, Yuuri reached out to touch his husband’s hair. He felt nostalgic and melancholy but there didn’t seem to be a reason for it. It was almost like a deja vu version of nostalgia. The source of the melancholy was unclear but the result—a burning deep in Yuuri’s stomach that felt like he was yearning for something—was clear as day. Clear as this morning, with its soft light and his even softer husband. 

“Viktor,” Yuuri breathed, the sound seeming not to carry at all as it was absorbed by their fluffy comforter and, hopefully, by his husband’s ears. “Viktor, Darling, wake up. I can’t believe you slept this late.” 

Viktor grumbled next to Yuuri, making him laugh. Usually, it was Yuuri who was grumbling about sunlight and waking up before noon but today was one of those rare days where Yuuri got to see Viktor wake up. He loved watching Viktor wake up and it was totally worth getting up before noon. Maybe not worth getting up at 5 in the morning, but as long as the sun was up, he wasn’t as against fighting his love of late nights and disdain for early mornings. 

“Viktor,” Yuuri said through laughter, “You have to get up.”

But why did Viktor have to get up? What day was it? Did they have work today? No, they didn’t because Viktor had quit his office job years ago and started painting instead, right? That had to be true because Yuuri didn’t remember Viktor getting another job. It had to be true even though Yuuri wasn’t even sure what year it was.

“Do you want coffee?” 

Viktor drank coffee, right? He hadn’t when they first met but now he did. Now that they’d tasted coffee after coffee and found a light, sweet one that suited his palate. Now they drank almost as much coffee as tea. Now, they would have a cup or two in the morning as they watched the world move below them. They’d sit on their balcony and watch people head to work or lunch, depending on when Viktor was able to extract Yuuri from bed. 

“Yuuri!” Yuuri started up in bed, not remembering falling back asleep.

Viktor was gone now, probably in the kitchen making breakfast or lunch, and the light from outside the window is more the afternoon variety. Yuuri smiled to himself, feeling a little sheepish about falling asleep after successfully waking up before Viktor. He’s almost beat his husband to cooking breakfast but, once again, it was Viktor in the kitchen. Yuuri was really more of a dinner person when it came to cooking, anyway. 

“Yuuri, you have to get up!”

“Coming,” Yuuri called, sliding out of bed as he looked for a sweatshirt. It was colder in their room than usual and Yuuri wondered what temperature it was outside. What season was it? “What’s for breakfast?”

The moment his feet hit the floor and he tried to straighten his legs, pain shot up through his leg and Yuuri shouted before collapsing. The pain that had just been a vague ache was now a throbbing pain located very specifically in his right thigh. As he fell to the ground he didn’t even have the presence of mind to catch himself, instead waiting for the pain of his body slamming into the hard ground. He sort of hoped that pain would ease the pain of his thigh. Either way, he waited to hit the ground but…

He didn’t. 

When he opened his eyes tears blurred his vision a little but it didn’t really matter because there wasn’t anything to see around him. He just seemed to be falling in inky blackness. 

“Viktor?” Yuuri called out, confused and just a little scared. “Viktor!” 

Then he hit the ground with a splash and he found himself in darkness, sitting in ankle-deep water as everything started to rush back to him.

Viktor left him alone and now it was Yuuri’s job to find him again, to find out if he was okay and find out if Viktor still loved him. To find out if this was some sort of test because if it was then Yuuri could get mad. He almost hoped it was a test because if it wasn’t he was afraid that Viktor wasn’t okay. 

Yuuri remembered couchsurfing and hitchhiking his way from his former home—that planet wasn’t home without Viktor—to a rainy planet that might as well have been in a different dimension from his goal, they were still so far apart.

He remembered how tired and desperate he was. He remembered Mila taking him back to The Potya and how he was afraid of them and didn’t trust them. He remembered the strangely young crew with their even younger captain. 

Yuuri could remember them shopping together and he could remember starting to feel more comfortable with everyone. He’d started to trust them. He told them he was trying to get to the edge of the universe but he didn’t explain why.

He remembered learning they were fugitives. He remembered trying to shoot a police officer.

He remembered being shot. 

And then… nothing. Was he alive? He definitely wasn’t in reality right now unless he’d been dropped off on an extremely strange planet. But, no, he felt the pain in his leg but couldn’t see a wound. He could feel a lesser pain in his arm but, again, there was no wound. If he was alive, he wasn’t awake. Given how much pain he was in, he was pretty sure he wasn’t dead yet. 

Death didn’t seem like such a bad choice, though.

“I’m sorry.” Yuuri was able to say, his voice sounding like a sob despite his best efforts. “Viktor, I’m sorry. I failed you. You wanted me to find you and I tried, I tried so hard.”

He just wanted to see Viktor again. To talk to him. To touch him. He wanted to hear Viktor’s voice and feel his hair and smell his cologne. Yuuri just wanted his husband back. He wanted his light, the center of his life, the man who’d changed him so much but all for the better. They had become so codependent but Yuuri never minded, never even noticed. Maybe it wasn’t codependence, though; otherwise, Viktor wouldn’t have left. If Viktor was really dependent on Yuuri, then he would have stayed, right? Or at least brought Yuuri along with him. 

“I’m sorry.” The tears burning Yuuri’s eyes finally fell and he tried to wipe them away. “Viktor. Viktor. Please, I’m sorry.”

He didn’t want to die without finding Viktor but this pain, it was starting to be too much. He felt heavy and cold. He knew if he let go then he’d be light and warm. The pain would leave him. He could wait for Viktor in whatever afterlife there was. One day they’d see each other again and Yuuri could properly apologize for failing.

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri said into his hands, his voice strangely not muffled. “Viktor, I have to go.”

“Yuuri.”

Yuuri tilted his head face up and away from his hands, blinking tears away so he could see the figure in front of him more clearly. 

They were tall, the water coming to their ankles but not seeming to touch their pants which were still dry. Their hair was long, longer than the last time Yuuri saw it, and just as silvery as usual.

“Viktor?” Yuuri gasped, still not able to stand even though he wanted to run to Viktor. 

“Yuuri, what are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry” Yuuri apologized again. “I failed you. I was supposed to find you but I failed.”

“You haven’t failed, not yet.” Viktor smiled softly, his face looking so serene. Yuuri was almost angry, confused why Viktor didn’t seem concerned about any of this. Was he really so unconcerned with being separated from Yuuri? “Get up, please.” 

“I can’t.”

“Yes you can, I know you can.” Viktor stepped towards Yuuri as it started to rain, the water falling in heavy sheets. But Yuuri wasn’t getting soaked and he realized it was because Viktor was holding an umbrella over both of them. “You’re the strongest person I know. You can do anything.”

“I’m only strong with you.”

“No.” Viktor shook his head. “We’re both stronger together but you’re also strong by yourself. How many times have I told you how strong you are?”

“So many times.” Yuuri looked down at the ground. “But I don’t know how to believe in myself without you.” 

“Yuuri.” Yuuri loved the way Viktor pulled out the syllables of his name. Loved how each letter sounded when they came from Viktor’s mouth. Loved how easily Viktor made that one word say so many other things. “Look how far you’ve come already. Look how much you’ve done without me. You are strong. You can do this. Now… get up.” 

Yuuri struggled to his feet, pain making it hard but finally he was able to stand. He panted, hands on his knees and head tilted down. He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them, looking up at Viktor, he realized he was alone again. His clothes were getting soaked by the rain and he was alone in the darkness. Alone in the void. 

Tears came and Yuuri realized he was sobbing, his tears seeming to soak his clothes as much as the rain. But he stayed standing as he sobbed, hoping and praying that Viktor was right.

He loved Viktor and Yuuri would do anything to find him. 

“Viktor,” Yuuri called through his sobs. “I can do this. For you… for us… for me.”

The rain didn’t stop and neither did Yuuri’s tears but he remained standing. The pain was still there too, a little in his arm but mostly in his leg. But even with the pain, he stood. He could do this, at least he hoped he could. 

It was a while before the rain stopped. It was even longer before his tears dried up too. 

\---

Emil wondered if his hands would ever stop shaking. He’d been steady throughout the surgery but the moment Mickey told him to leave and wash up, Emil found his hands wouldn’t stop shaking. He was trying to wash up and kept getting water all over the sink. 

Now he was sitting on the floor outside the medical bay, long legs stretched out in front of him as he looked at his shaking hands. His gaze shifted from his hands to his feet as he noticed there was blood on his shoes. He’d need to change them. And he’d need new shoes. They hadn't had scrubs for their shoes but, luckily, they’d had scrubs over their clothes and his outfit had been spared—Mickey’s hadn’t but that was because there were no scrubs on the shuttle. He still sort of wanted to change into something that would let him forget the blood.

It wasn’t like he had many options, though. Most of his clothes, like everyone else’s on board, were standard issue USEA. Sometimes, when they went planetside they wore other clothes to keep from being spotted but usually, they were always wearing at least one piece from their standard issue uniform. Really, without their jackets, they could pass for everyday citizens as long as nobody had a good eye for military issue clothing.

The captain, the pilot, and the navigator—the ‘upper ship’ crew—always wore pants in the dark green color and a black tank top or t-shirt. The jacket they wore over the tank top depended on rank and occasion but their standard jacket matched the pants and had a small USEA insignia on it. 

The muscle for the ship—officially called ‘the protector’—generally wore an outfit that was basically the inverse of the upper ship crew’s clothes. Black pants and black jacket with a green shirt. 

Mechanics like Emil were the only ones without color in their uniform. For formal occasions, their pants and jacket were gray but for everyday wear most simply wore all black to combat the dirtiness of the mechanic’s job. Gray tops were also allowed but even that was so boring to Emil so when they left the strict rules of the USEA he’d bought as many colorful shirts as he could get his hands on. 

Today he’d been wearing standard issue black pants paired with a blue shirt. His shoes were the only pair of shoe he had that weren’t the standard black all USEA members wore. He would be sad to see them go but he wasn’t sure the blood would come out of them. Even if it did, he wasn’t sure he wanted to try. He was not completely sure whose blood it was and he’d rather not think too hard about it. 

Mickey dropped down next to Emil with a sigh, his head knocking into the wall behind him. He remained quiet for a few moments, taking deep breaths with his eyes closed. Emil looked him over and saw that Mickey hadn’t changed; his green pants were splattered with blood that probably hadn’t only come from Yuuri. His shirt was probably even worse off but the black material didn’t give away many secrets. 

“You should get changed.” Emil finally said. “And take a shower. We’re way below our water budget for the trip–”

Mickey cut Emil off by putting a hand on the other man’s shoulder and leaving it there for a long time, silence stretching between them until Mickey finally opened his eyes and trained them on Emil.

“Thank you for your help. You did good.”

“I just did what you said.” Emil shrugged slightly, not wanting to disturb Mickey’s hand. 

“And thanks for that.” Then Mickey was on his feet, heading to the closest intercom. “We should tell everyone what’s going on.”

“Yah…” Emil forced himself to rise. Forced himself not to look at his shoes or at Mickey’s pants. Forced himself not to think about the body they’d left on their home planet. “That’s a good idea.”

“Sara, are you there?”

“What’s up.” Sara’s voice was small and uncertain like she was still terrified after what happened on Malen. 

And she probably was. 

Their parents had been told they were dead. They’d been ambushed. Yuuri had nearly been killed. They were still on the run and The Pavlova was close on their heels. There was a lot to be terrified of. 

“We’re done down here.” Mickey glanced at Emil next to him. “Yuuri should be fine. I don’t know how long it’ll take him to wake up but… well, he’s fine.”

“I’ll call the Captain–”

As if he could feel they were talking about him, Yuri’s voice cut in. “Can everyone hear me?”

“Yuri,” Sara sighed. “We were just going to call you. Yuuri is okay.”

“Is he awake?”

“No,” Mickey replied. “But he should be fine.” 

“Good job.” Yuri’s voice was flat as he paid Mickey the compliment, sounding less than sincere. Despite that, everyone knew that had been a real compliment. They all knew their captain was bad at niceties. “I want to hold a meeting as soon as possible.”

“Is something wrong?” Sara asked.

“No… Sara, where are we?” 

“We’re in IRG-28 and we’ll be making our next jump once the engines cool down a little. I think we should be able to make it in less than half an hour.” 

“Okay. Once you make the jump we’ll have our meeting. Everyone meet in the dining room in half an hour.” Emil always found it funny that they still used standard Earth measurements of time even though there was nothing standard about space. He seemed to be the only one who thought so, though. “Until then, do whatever you need to get done.”

“Sounds good.” Mickey took a deep breath. “I’ll be taking a quick shower then I need to check our medical supplies. I hate to ask this Mila, but at some point, I’m probably going to need to ask you for some blood. We’re out of blood and almost out of blood substitute. Hopefully, we won’t need anymore but we can’t be too careful.”

“Sure, that’s fine,” Mila answered, her voice sounding calm but Emil suspected she wasn’t actually all that calm right now. She was possibly the best at hiding how she felt out of all of them and that was really saying something since he and Sara were the only two who at all telegraphed their emotions. Even they were pretty good at pretending things were okay, though.

“Not right now, Mickey,” Sara cut in. “Right now, Mila needs you to look at her wound.”

“You’re hurt?” Mickey asked, the evenness of his voice starting to get to Emil. 

He hated when Mickey acted like he was okay when he wasn’t. It was one thing for the Captain or Mila to do that but… Well, he couldn’t explain why it was different with Mickey but it just was. 

“It’s not that bad. I stopped the bleeding and I really just need you to clean it so it doesn’t get infected.” Mila paused then repeated. “It’s really not that bad, just a graze. I’ve gotten worse.”

“I’ll bring supplies up to the dining room and patch you up then, okay?” 

“Sounds good.” 

The intercom went dead and Mickey just stood there for a while, his body still as if he was trying to keep himself from losing his cool. Emil wanted to reach out to him, wanted to touch him or hug him or just do anything he could to show Mickey it was going to be okay but he didn’t. Even after so many years, he was uncertain because, for as much as he said he didn’t know why Mickey was different, Emil was lying. He knew why Mickey was different to him and that was why he held back, afraid of pushing too much and losing Mickey. He loved their friendship and he wasn’t about to put that in jeopardy for a couple of feelings. 

“Mickey?” Emil finally broke the silence, worried that Mickey wasn’t going to move for the next half an hour. “You should go take that shower.”

“You should take one too,” Mickey answered. “To recenter yourself or whatever.”

“Mickey…” 

Emil started to reach out, his worry besting his caution because, in the end, he wasn’t _that_ cautious. But Mickey moved and Emil wasn’t sure if it was to escape Emil’s touch or just because Mickey was finally ready to move. Either way, he quickly pulled his hand back and hoped that Mickey hadn’t seen him. Hoped that it had been a coincidence and not Mickey pulling away. Emil didn’t really think he had much of a chance with Mickey but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try to show Mickey how he felt. 

Mickey had never rebuked him, had never even seemed to notice the small advances, and Emil was left unsure how to proceed. Continue trying or let Mickey be? He was too afraid to be more outright, afraid that he would ruin their friendship, but he thought he was being clear. At least, clear enough for someone to understand. 

“You did good today,” Mickey said, turned away from Emil but was, again, not moving. “I’m not just saying that.”

“You’re the one who saved Yuuri.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Then Mickey was moving, his back to Emil as he made his way back towards the shower. And he was gone before Emil could think of something to say in response. Mickey was always confident, always loud and grumpy, but now he was quiet and reserved. He had complimented Emil multiple times and he seemed to be completely lacking in the energy to be grumpy. 

Emil was worried about him. Emil was worried about the entire crew. Emil was worried about Yuuri. 

Emil was so rarely worried. 

With a sigh, he headed towards Engineering to go make sure everything was cooling down properly. Once Mickey was done with his shower and Emil had made sure nothing was broken in the ship, maybe he would take a shower. Maybe that would help him forget the blood that seemed to seep through his gloves and into his skin. Maybe it would help him forget the blood splattering his favorite pair of shoes. 

Maybe it would help him forget all of this. 

\---

Sara could tell Mila was _off_ from the moment they’d stepped off the shuttle. But that had made sense. They were all off after what had happened on Malen. But they were a galaxy away and nearly ready to make their second short jump and Mila was still off.

Mila had been the one to comfort Sara when they’d first gotten back on the ship, Sara’s mind reeling from the panic and anxiety of her entire trip home. But now that Sara had calmed down she wondered what she could do for Mila.

While Sara was checking systems—she’d done so almost five times—and routes—she’d checked those seven times—Mila was standing nearby and staring at the display screen. It was showing a map of their current galaxy—another small one with little to offer but a tiny colony planet probably full of families looking for the old Earth ideal of a suburban lifestyle, just like Malen. 

It would be full of nice houses for families of four or five with yards big enough to play in and maybe even have a garden or a pool. The parents there often worked in offices or in picture-perfect downtowns while the kids went to small schools with good teachers and well funded afterschool programs. About half of the kids would end up going to college on planet, a quarter would head off planet for college, and the other quarter would do other things that didn’t involve your typical college life. Sara, Mickey, and Emil fit into that category, having left their home planet to basically enter the military. 

The entire galaxy cluster where Malen was located was like this. None of the planets had been habitable without terraforming so when they were colonized, each one was created with a certain image in mind: the image of what the colonists thought was a perfect life. A modern paradise complete with semi-fulfilling jobs, pretty families, and weekend barbeques with their neighbors. 

Sara didn’t mean to sound like she was complaining about the world she’d grown up in, it had been a certain type of perfect, but she still scoffed at it a little. Scoffed at the fact that even after centuries, humans still wanted to live lives that seemed perfect on the outside even though things involving humans were rarely ever perfect. 

The military was sort of similar, in a way. They wanted military perfection from human soldiers even though, obviously, those soldiers were only human. They couldn’t be perfect, they could only pretend. They could only try their best and hope that nobody noticed their imperfection. 

“Mila, do you think we’re doing the right thing?” Sara had meant to help Mila and, instead, here she was, asking hard questions. 

“What do you mean?” Mila asked, not looking at Sara. 

“Do you think leaving the USEA was a good choice.”

“I trust the Captain.” Now Mila did look at her. “Don’t you?”

“I do, I really do.” Sara wasn’t trying to question Yuri. She was just scared that maybe her trust was misplaced. “I’m just…”

“Scared.”

“Yah.” It was easy to admit things like that to Mila. Everything was easier when Mila was involved. Except maybe trying to understand the burning in Sara’s stomach. 

“I am too,” Mila admitted, walking over to sit on the floor next to Sara’s chair. “We’re barely more than kids. Sometimes I’m afraid that we made the wrong choice, that maybe we should have left all this hard stuff for someone else to do.” 

“I know there’s a good reason the Captain asked us to leave with him but…” Sara had never been so terrified in her life. “What if running was the wrong choice? What if we’re just making things worse?” 

Mila was quiet for a long time before closing her eyes. She pulled her knees to her chest, hugging them tightly to her body as she leaned her head back against the control panel. 

“I guess, the thing is, for me… it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I killed someone.”

“Mila–”

“I killed a police officer.” Mila didn’t let Sara give excuses for her. “When I saw Yuuri on the ground and bleeding out… when I saw the man getting ready to shoot Yuuri again… I didn’t even realize I’d started thinking about Yuuri as part of the crew until my mind started screaming that part of the crew was dying.”

“We never asked for violence. They were the ones who attacked us.”

“But we did ask for violence when we ran.” Mila shook her head, still not opening her eyes. “And I killed him. I didn’t even think about shooting him in the leg or arm. I killed him without even thinking about it because in my mind, he was a threat to the crew.”

“You did what you were trained to do.”

“So did he and now he’s dead. I’m sure he had a family, people who cared about him.” Mila wasn’t crying, was too numb to cry. “And I killed him.”

Sara had never seen Mila like this but, then again, Mila had never killed someone. Sara didn’t know what to do for her, didn’t know how to help. She knew if she’d killed someone, not that she thought she even had the skill to do that, she’d be a mess. And Mila was a mess, in a way, but she was a mess in a particularly Mila fashion. Strong and stoic, unflinching and unmoved. She seemed that way even now when she was falling apart.

After finishing her sixth check of the engines, Sara slid onto the floor next to Mila and after a moment of hesitation slid an arm around Mila’s shoulders. She pulled the other woman close and Mila didn’t resist.

“You did what you were trained to do. You saved Yuuri. I know you didn’t want to kill anyone but if you hadn’t stopped him… Yuuri would probably be dead. At the very least, incapacitating him would have taken longer. It would have taken time that Yuuri didn’t have.” Mila leaned into Sara, feeling smaller in Sara’s arms than she actually was. “You did the right thing.”

“It doesn’t feel like the right thing.”

Sara didn’t have a response to that so, instead, she reached over to pull a hand through Mila’s hair just like Mila did for Sara when she was upset. After a moment of quiet, Mila broke and Sara could feel tears wetting her shirt. Mila’s crying was nearly quiet, the only noise came when she took deep, shaky breaths. Sara could feel Mila shaking, should feel the quiet tears, and all she could really do was hold onto Mila and hope that everything would be okay.

She wasn’t sure she believed everything would be okay. But…

Well, she hoped. 

\---

By the time Yuri got down to the dining room, Mickey had already finished patching up Mila’s arm. 

His entire crew was sitting quietly around the table, looking to be in various states of not doing amazingly. 

Sara looked tired, to say the least, her face still too pale. Yuri wished he could tell her to get some sleep but until they made it into their long jump—which wouldn’t happen until they came out of this short jump—he couldn’t really ask her to try and sleep. 

Mila looked worse than Yuri had ever seen her. She had been the first of the crew to really talk to him—before they were even a crew. They had been in class together and she had forced him to talk to her. Eventually, she even forced him to get lunch with her. He’d been so young then—so intent on proving to people that he was not just as good as they thought, but better—that he’d decided friends and socialization wasn’t worth his time. But Mila had forced herself into his life and reminded him that being a captain was all about socialization. 

Now she was lacking any of the little color she usually had and the bags under her eyes were prominent. Her eyes were bloodshot and she looked like she was fading. 

Mickey didn’t even have a grumpy expression on, his face blank as if he was asleep with his eyes open. Yuri knew that for as grumpy as he was, Mickey cared a lot for the crew and for the people on this ship. Even though he wasn’t technically a doctor, he was the closest thing this ship had and he took that very seriously. He also wasn’t mentally trained to deal with the stresses of being a doctor and that seemed to be taking its toll. 

Emil looked the best of the four crew members but that didn’t mean much. He still looked like he was lacking in sleep and under too much stress. And he was under too much stress. They all were. Yuri knew it was his fault the crew was under this kind of stress but he wasn’t sure what he could do about it. 

“We have some things we need to talk about,” Yuri said as he took a seat. “First, any updates?”

“Yuuri is still out but he seems to be doing well,” Mickey said. “He’s hooked up to a heart monitor and an IV drip. We’re going to need to replenish a lot of our medical supplies the next chance we have.” 

“We should be out of this jump in fourteen hours. I was really pushing it with that last jump only taking ten hours, I nearly burned out the entire ship. We should be at least an hour or two ahead of The Pavlova, though. When we come out we’ll need at least another half an hour of cooldown time, assuming Emil doesn’t find anything wrong with the ship.” 

“Sounds good.” Yuri looked at his crew, trying to remember how to be a good captain. Trying to remember how to do and say the right things. Trying to remember everything he’d been taught. “Sara, Mila, you should both go get some sleep. I’ll watch the controls for the first seven hours then I’ll wake you both, okay? Emil, Mickey, you both need to sleep too. After this, Mickey, check on Yuuri then head to sleep. Emil, you check the ship then sleep yourself. You both were in surgery for a long time and need sleep.” 

“What about you?” Sara asked. “You need sleep too.”

“I’ve gotten some already,” Yuri lied because he hadn’t been able to sleep at all. Still, he’d been resting, which was more than he could say for his crew. “I’ll sleep a little bit for those last few hours, don’t worry. I want to do some radio scanning before I go to bed, though, and it’ll take awhile to get the proper frequencies while in a jump.”

“Fine.” Mila was the first to concede to this plan, knowing there was no way to convince Yuri to take the second shift at the controls instead. “Now why did you really call us here?”

“To talk about Yuuri.” Yuri pursed his lips. “We need to decide if we’re going to take him to the edge.”

“It’s your choice,” Mila pointed out. “You’re the captain.”

“But I want your input.” He didn’t know what to decide and, anyway, this wasn’t something he could decide on his own. “And this is something that affects us all.” 

“It’s too dangerous.” Sara was the first to speak up. “We already almost got him killed. It’s too dangerous to bring him along.”

“It’s just as dangerous to leave him, though,” Mila responded. “Before us, he was hitchhiking with whoever would take him. If he continued that, he was going to get hurt one way or another.” 

“But this is more than just so shitty people, this is the government.”

“We don’t even know that he’d want to come with us,” Mickey pointed out. “Like you said, we almost got him killed. He could wake up and say he wants to leave.”

They were all quiet for a moment, none of them really having thought of that possibility. Finally, Mila spoke up.

“Can we let him leave?”

“What?” Emil asked, surprised to see a similar look of resignation in everyone else’s face. “What do you mean?”

“We have to consider the possibility that he regrets not going with that police officer.” Mickey was the one to respond when Mila didn’t. “He might want to go to the USEA for help.”

“He might give us up.” Mila looked angry. “We have to consider the possibility that we have to keep him here by force.” 

“What exactly can he tell them that they don’t already know?” Emil asked, “They know everything there is to know about us and our ship already!”

“I guess you’re right,” Mila conceded with a shrug. “Just something to think about.” 

Yuri watched without speaking, taking in his crew’s thoughts and concerns like the good captain he was supposed to be. He tried to remember all the people he looked up to in his life. All the captains and all the leaders. He tried to remember his mother and his grandpa and the lessons they taught him and, yet when he tried to look in his memory for the secrets to leadership, he found nothing but blank. Because his first big mistake had been leading his crew into this unknown hell. Once he committed that crime against his own crew, there wasn’t much left he could do to be a good captain.

“I think we should take him,” Emil said. “Or at least offer him a ride, I guess. We don’t have any plan on where we’re going and, well, the edge of space seems like a pretty good place to hide.” 

“That’s true,” Sara murmured. “We don’t have much better of a plan, so why not the edge of space.”

“Captain, what do you want to do?” Mila asked, turning to Yuri. “We– I trust you.”

“We all do,” Sara insisted. “It’s really your choice.”

“You should talk to Yuuri when he wakes up,” Emil bit his lip. “See was Yuuri wants to do.”

Yuri sighed as they all watched him, waiting for a response. This was exactly what he didn’t want their answer to be. He wanted guidance but he had none. When he was younger he hated being told what to do but since they ran from the USEA, he’d found more and more that he wanted someone to tell him what to do. Even when he was deciding if he should stay or go he had wanted there to be someone there telling him what to do. At the very least, then he could have had something to rebel again. Instead, all he had to rebel against was the only life he ever knew.

Now, he was left with this choice with too many variables. Would Yuuri want to stay? Was it safe for him to stay? Could he hurt them if he went to the USEA? Should they even head towards The Edge of the Universe?

“We trust you,” Mila repeated and everyone nodded, even if it took Mickey a few more seconds than everyone else. “If you want to take him, we’ll support that but if you want to drop him somewhere, we’ll understand.”

“Okay,” Yuri responded, standing quickly. “I’m going to go head for the bridge. You all check your systems and go to bed. Mickey, I’m sure you’re set up to be alerted if Yuuri wakes up or gets worse.” Mickey nodded. “Good. Tell me if anything changes. Sara.”

“Yes, Captain?”

“Sleep somewhere else, not on the bridge. I’ll wake you if you’re needed.” 

“Umm… where?”

“I don’t care, just not the bridge.” Yuri walked around the table, heading towards the door. “You won’t sleep well there.” 

“Okay…”

Yuri paused in the doorway, head down as he tried to figure out what he was supposed to say to make everyone feel better.

“It’s been a hard… day. You all did good, now get some rest.”

And with that, he disappeared and left the crew to get some sleep. 

\---

His mind cleared as if he was coming out of a fog, his body feeling strangely unlike his own for a few moments. Then the pain hit him.

“Fuck!” Yuuri shouted. The pain in his leg was not the worst he felt but it was still bad enough. He assumed he was on pain medication but they were either wearing off or couldn’t do much for his injury. 

After a few moments of cursing, something he rarely did but felt was necessary now, Yuuri tried to get a better idea of where he was and what was going on. He tried to remember what had happened and where he was and why Viktor wasn’t asleep by his bedside. 

Viktor.

That was all it took for Yuuri to remember everything, including what he realized now was a dream of some sort. He remembered Malen and what that police officer had said. 

Why hadn’t Yuuri gone with him? What kind of idiot sides with the criminals who had been lying to him for over three weeks instead of a man who would get him anything if Yuuri just helped?

He knew exactly what kind of idiot would do that and it was the kind of idiot who cared about this stupid crew of criminals. Yuuri felt confused and angry by their lies but he also felt, deep down, like they couldn’t be to blame. They were so young—the more he thought about it the more they seemed too young to be out here alone—and so kind—maybe they were too kind as well as too young. Yuuri knew he wasn’t exactly old but at 29 this entire crew seemed immeasurably young to him. Even the oldest of them—Sara and Mickey—he knew were barely past 23 years old. He thought he’d heard Mila say she was turning 21. He was sure Yuri couldn’t be older than 18. They were all too young to be criminals and there had to be a reason.

There had to be a reason Mila would die for her crew. For her friends. For her family. The muscle in a band of criminals wasn’t exactly where one would look for unblinking loyalty and yet there was Mila, ready to give anything and everything to save the people she wanted to protect. 

They were all loyal to a fault when it came to each other. And they were all loyal to Yuri, that much was obvious. But they just didn’t seem like a band of common criminals. 

What use would they have with a spaceship when they had to know they’d be fugitives? Why pick up passengers for free and treat them not just well, but like they’re part of your crew? 

Why lie to Yuuri at all?

And it was that question that made Yuuri angry, made him want to storm into Yuri’s bedroom and shout at him. It was the question that made him feel cheated and somehow wronged. It also made him feel stupid because he should have known they were lying. And he had known they were lying. He just never guessed it was something so big, so dangerous. 

He was done pondering possibilities and waiting for answers, Yuuri was going to go find them himself. 

Yuuri looked over his body and saw he was hooked up to a heart monitor and an IV. The IV was on wheels so he could take that with him, not wanting to just pull it out of his arm. The heart monitor, though, would force him to stay in bed so he quickly pulled those small pads off. The machine protested but Yuuri didn’t have time to worry about the loud alarms he’d set off by making the machine think he’d flatlined. 

Without much of a plan, Yuuri swung his legs off of the bed while he tried to ignore the pain in his thigh. The moment his feet hit the floor he was going to march, or maybe just walk thanks to the pain in his leg, to the control room and find out what was going on once and for all–

Instead of all that, the moment Yuuri’s feet hit the floor—or, more accurately, the moment he put weight on said feet—he collapsed as pain shot through his thigh. 

He heard the crashing around him and then there were people in his room and too many voices all talking at once. Finally, the pain got to be too much and his mind went black.

\---

_”Yuuri, can I ask you something?” Viktor voice was soft as they laid side by side on soft grass, staring at a starry sky. This had been a beautiful choice for their honeymoon and Yuuri wouldn’t trade these two weeks for anything._

_“What is it?”_

_“Have you ever worried that everything you know is a lie?”_

_“What?” Yuuri turned his head to look at Viktor but Viktor was staring at the sky. “Where did this come from?”_

_“I was just thinking… you know how I told you I got sick as a child and lost my memory?”_

_“Yah.”_

_“Well, what if what my parents told me about my life before then was all a lie?”_

_“Viktor…” Yuuri pulled Viktor closer to him, kissed his husband softly. “I’m sure it isn’t but even if it is, you’re here now. I’m here. Isn’t that enough?”_

_Yuuri was a little afraid of what Viktor’s answer would be._

_“Of course you’re enough.” Viktor kissed him back. “It was just a thought… It’s just… if my life before then was a lie then where was I? What was I doing?”_

_“Darling, what is this really about?”_

_Viktor was quiet for a long time before he finally spoke, his voice barely audible._

_“I’ve had the same dream for the past week. About a hospital with white walls and blank-faced nurses. I don’t remember ever seeing a doctor.”_

_“Maybe it’s a memory from when you were sick.”_

_“But… there’s a part of the dream where a nurse comes and brings me to another room. It’s sort of like a classroom and there are a few other children in there. There’s a boy who’s younger than me and one around my age. I see a girl who looks my age too. At first, I don’t know why we’re there then… then I look down at the table and there’s a gun and I don’t feel scared. Not at all. I’m just… interested. Then I wake up.”_

_“Darling…” Yuuri doesn’t know what to say about that. He was no expert. “I’m sure it’s just a dream. Why would your parents ever lie to you?”_

_“I guess you’re right,” Viktor conceded with a weak smile. “Sorry to worry you.”_

_“You don’t need to apologize.” Yuuri kissed Viktor again. “I love you and part of that love means listening to the things that are worrying you.”_

_“Thank you,” Viktor responded before pulling Yuuri back down into a longer kiss. When Yuuri pulled them off the ground and dragged Viktor towards the small house they were staying in, Yuuri heard Viktor whisper. “I love you.”_


	6. How Far Would You Fly For Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri was not an angry person—was rarely prone to any anger—but he also hated being lied to.

When Yuuri came to again, he was surrounded by most of The Potya’s crew. They all looked concerned, especially Sara who looked about ready to gather Yuuri up in her arms to hug him. He could see in Mila’s eyes and in her posture that she was worried but her face was impassive. She stood to the side, just behind Sara, while Mickey and Emil buzzed over Yuuri, checking his vitals.

Mickey’s face was serious, too intent on his task to be upset, but Emil looked distraught enough for the both of them.

“What the hell is going on?” Yuuri asked, panic mixing with anger over being lied to.

“Thank god you’re okay.” Sara breathed, looking ready to collapse. “We didn’t know what happened and we were so worr–”

“Sorry if I wasn’t clear,” Yuuri interrupted, done with being kept in the dark. “I want to know what’s going on right now. You’re deserters and I want to know why you lied to me. What is really going on?”

“Yuuri, please calm down,” Mickey commanded. “Or I’m going to have to put you out.”

“Don’t you dare.” Yuuri wasn’t sure he’d ever felt this angry in his life, except maybe the handful of times he had found himself in fights. It was just infuriating not that he was on a ship of deserters, he didn’t care all that much about that, but instead that he’d been lied to consistently by these people. Sure, he hadn’t been totally truthful with them but the fact that he was married was a small omission compared to hiding the fact that the government was after you and wasn’t afraid to kill you. “What is going on?”

“Not long after we received our first assignment as a real, active USEA crew, we ran.” Mila was the one to take the initiative, looking the least afraid right now. Whether they were afraid for Yuuri or of him, he wasn’t sure. He also wasn’t sure which one he’d rather. “We disabled the tracking on our ship and have been on the run ever since. They can’t track us accurately so they’ve been trying to trap us. When we visited my home this same thing almost happened to us, but we got away. The military apparently was more forward thinking on Malen.”

“But why leave?” Yuuri asked, bewildered. “Wasn’t being a part of the USEA all your dreams?”

“Sure,” Sara responded, looking worried and sad. “But The Captain said he couldn’t stay with the USEA anymore and that he was leaving. So we all left.”

“So this was Yuri’s idea?” Everyone nodded. “And why exactly did he want to leave so badly that he would steal a USEA vessel?”

“Well…” Sara looked down at the floor then at Mila.

“He just said he couldn’t work for the military anymore,” Mila said.

“What?” Yuuri looked at everyone in the room. “Then why did you all leave?”

Everyone shared a look before, finally, Emil spoke.

“Yuri wanted to leave.”

“We trust him,” Sara chimed in.

Mickey nodded, “He’s our captain.”

“I don’t understand,” Yuuri said even though he thought he might. If Viktor had asked him to run away to The Edge with him, Yuuri would have said yes without asking any questions. Or maybe he just thought he would say yes because he wished every day that Viktor had asked him to come. “You don’t know anything about why Yuri was running and yet you followed him?”

“It’s not hard to understand why we left.” Mila shrugged, “Yuri asked us to.”

\---

Yuuri liked the observation hallway. He didn’t really understand why the ship had one but for as much as he knew a lot about spaceships, he knew very little about the purposes their different parts played. He thought maybe this ship wasn’t just an explorer ship and that maybe it was meant to taxi government and military officials. That would explain the three guest rooms and maybe this room too.

Not everyone loved space. Not everyone even liked space. Some people hated it, for reasons that eluded Yuuri.

But most people at least liked space and most people could be amazed but the views from up above their home or the views as the ship passed a particularly beautiful sight. There was a lot to love about space, in Yuuri’s opinion, but the brief glimpses of beauty that existed between the long stretches of void was the thing that drew him into space.

But those long stretches of void were the reason he couldn’t stay. They were the reason he returned planetside, his tail between his legs as he realized that he was too afraid of leaving what he knew to go do what he wanted.

It had been hard to even go the short distance from his home of Urazaki to college in Gallia. But then he’d met Viktor and everything seemed to make sense. It seemed like there had been a reason for all his failures and all his fear.

Now he wondered if he should have forced himself to join the USEA. Maybe things would have been better if he’d just never met Viktor. Maybe Viktor would still be on Gallia. Maybe Yuuri would be seeing beautiful new sights somewhere in the unknown parts of the universe. Maybe The Potya would have already been caught by the USEA.

How many bad choices had he made in his life? How many bad choices did a person make in their lives? Did the good choices outweigh the bad ones if they were good enough?

How did you measure the quality of a choice?

He never should have tried to help Viktor the first night they met. He never should have accepted Viktor's offer of a date. He never should have fallen in love. He never should have chased that love into space.

He never should have gotten on The Potya or trusted her crew. He never should have gotten comfortable.

The viewing room’s door slid open but Yuuri didn't turn, not caring who it was. It wasn't like knowing was going to change the fact that he didn't want to talk to them.

“Katsuki.”

Yuri.

“Captain.” Yuuri still didn't turn, not interested in looking at the young captain who was so many things but who Yuuri would never have guessed was a deserter.

“Don't start with that now.” Yuri’s answer was surprisingly lacking his usual bite. He sounded tired and maybe—though Yuuri might have imagined it—a little scared. At the very least he sounded shaken. “You scared my crew pretty bad.”

“They were already scared,” Yuuri pointed out. “And I don't really give a fuck how you're all feeling.”

That was sort of a lie but Yuuri was still angry and wanted answers more than he wanted to be delicate. Everyone had a breaking point and he'd reached his around when he woke up earlier.

“Well aren't you a ray of sunshine right now.” Yuri rolled his eyes. “How about you stop being so melodramatic.”

“Melodramatic?” Yuuri wasn't yelling but he also wasn't speaking quietly. “You lied to me.”

“So did you.” Yuri reached over and dropped two necklaces into Yuuri's lap. “Who's Viktor and what does that number mean?”

Yuuri looked at the necklaces he normally wore hidden under his shirt. He was so used to them being there that he usually forgot he was wearing them. He hadn't even checked to see if they were around his neck, only now realizing they were gone.

“My secrets are a little different.” Yuuri wasn't about to let some kid who almost got him killed lecture him about lying. Not when that kid was the biggest liar in the universe. “They aren't going to get anyone killed.”

“I never thought mine would either.”

“Then you're more naive than you look.” Yuuri really was normally a delicate person but he wanted answers. Real answers. Now. He felt like everyone was lying to him and he was done with that. “This is the military not some local police from the outer region.”

“Fuck you, don't act like I don't know this shit.” Being underestimated because of his age and his home planet were things Yuri had to deal with constantly and he wasn't going to deal with it from Yuuri just because he'd had his feathers ruffled. “I didn't think anyone would get hurt. Yah, it was naive. I know that but part of me–”

Yuri paused, not sure he was ready to admit any of what he was thinking. But this was Yuuri and for as annoyed Yuri was with him right now he knew that, in the end, Yuuri was one of the few people he felt comfortable talking to. There was no good reason for that comfort but it was there nonetheless.

“I grew up surrounded by the USEA. My grandparents were part of the USEA and so was my father. He was a captain. I barely remember him because he was killed on a mission. He was a captain, the youngest at the time, and he saved his entire crew at the cost of his life and his ship. I remember his funeral more than I remember him. I remember the way his crew spoke about him and I knew that I wanted to be someone like him. I decided then that I would become a USEA captain even if it killed me.”

Yuuri turned to look at Yuri, but he was looking out the window now, his eyes far away. He didn't look sad as he talked, just a little melancholy as if he were an old man talking about the high school sweetheart he broke up with decades ago.

“I always believed that the USEA was good. I thought the military was at least trying to do the right thing but the USEA… I thought the USEA was really and truly good. And part of me still believed that; still believed they'd never hurt someone who had nothing to do with this.”

“Your crew… they left with you even though you didn't tell them why.”

“They did.”

“They trust you.”

“For some reason. It's not like I've earned it. But I'm glad for it.”

“Why…” Yuuri thought for a moment about the many questions he had. “Why did you leave?”

“Why are you going to The Edge?” Yuri challenged, his face serene and calm in a way it rarely was outside of when he was fully in 'Captain Mode.’

“To find Viktor.”

“Who's Viktor.”

“My husband.”

“Your husband?” Yuri blinked like that wasn't the answer he expected. “What's he doing at The Edge?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.” Yuri shrugged. “Why'd you leave?”

“I didn't tell my crew why I needed to leave because the less they knew, the safer they'd be.” Yuri’s mouth was thin and his eyes said that even though he hadn't really answered Yuuri's question, he was doing his best to try and give an answer. “If they know you know the things I do… they won't just jail you. You'll disappear.”

“I'm already deep enough to not care. If they take me in before I find Viktor… I don't have much left in my life.”

“That's unhealthy,” Yuri muttered and Yuuri shrugged without responding. “The government… no, the military has been doing things that… I couldn't work for them anymore. The things I saw in those files…” Yuri shook his head, not wanting to continue. “Child soldiers. Genocide on planets in revolt. Genetic testing on unwilling participants. Kidnapping, theft, murder.”

Yuuri’s mouth opened and closed while he tried to find something to respond with. But his mind could barely wrap around the words Yuri was saying, let alone come up with a response to them.

“A lot of that is in the past and hasn't happened in decades but not all of it. Civilians are still killed on planets in revolt. Even though the genetic testing on children seems to have stopped, I'm pretty sure that's only because they ran out of funding at the time of the last one. Once they have the money I'm sure they'll go back to kidnapping children from rebel planets and turning them into super soldiers or whatever they were trying to do. I couldn't do anything to stop it all — I'm only one person — but I couldn't stay either. If I spoke up, I'd be silenced and the truth would never come out. Until there's a way to tell the truth, I'll keep running.”

“That's all… how did you find all this out?”

“I'd heard rumors about the bombing of civilians on Sariseong which has been in rebellion for five years so I did some digging. I gained access to classified documents and found out those rumors were true. Then I knew I had to keep looking. I needed to know.”

“I can't believe that's all happening.”

“This entire universe is fucked.” Yuri shook his head. “And I'm not helping the military find more planets to fuck up.”

Yuuri didn't have a response so they both fell quiet, Yuuri with his hands held tightly around his necklaces and Yuri with his eyes staring blankly into space.

“I'm… I'm sorry for what I said earlier,” Yuuri finally said. “I was… scared. And angry.”

“It's whatever, Katsuki.” Yuri snorted out a half-hearted laugh. “So, why'd your husband leave?”

“No clue. His letter was vague and short but… I need to find him. I need to know if he's okay and–” Yuuri's voice caught and he coughed, trying not to lose his composure. “Even if he left because he didn't want to stay with me, I need to know. I just… need to know.”

“Knowing isn't all it's cracked up to be.” Yuri closed his eyes. “Well, if you want to stay with us liars, we've got nowhere to go and everyone else insists on taking you to The Edge. If you want nothing to do with us anymore, we'll find somewhere safe to drop you and be out of your hair but…” Yuri opened his eyes and looked at Yuuri for a long time before continuing. “I've always wanted to go to The Edge so we're going with or without you, it's your choice.”

Yuuri blinked at Yuri before smiling slightly.

“Okay, I guess I'll stick around for a little while longer.”

“Good answer.” Yuri turned to leave. “I'll tell the others that you're done throwing a temper tantrum so instead of apologizing to me, maybe they're the ones who need to be apologized to.”

“Sounds good,” Yuuri responded with a smile. “I'll go back to the medical bay soon.”

“Sure, whatever, just make sure to watch out for us going in and out of jumps, wouldn't want you to get yourself hurt before we got the quick healer working.”

Yuuri didn't respond, the doors closing before he could, but he found himself strangely calm now. There was something about Yuri—despite his propensity towards anger and his foul mouth—that made him a calming force. Whatever that thing about him was, Yuuri thought that might be what made his a good captain. He thought it was what would make him a great captain one day.

He thought that maybe he understood how the crew of The Potya could be ready to follow Yuri to the end of the universe with little more than a quiet request.

\---

Sara’s voice came over the intercom not long after they exited their warp from IRG-28. Yuuri was in the cargo bay, waiting for the best time to apologize for lashing out at the crew of The Potya.

“We’re now in IRG-26. In thirty minutes we’ll be entering a four day jump to IRG-21. From there we’ll have an 8-hour jump to IRG-22 and we should have shaken The Pavlova and the rest of the military by then.”

Yuuri sighed to himself as the door to the engine room opened, revealing a stressed looking Emil.

“Y-Yuuri,” He stammered, looking surprised and a little scared by Yuuri. “Has the Captain talked to you?”

“Yes.” His voice was quiet. “I’m sorry for exploding earlier. None of you deserved that. I was just stressed.”

“It’s fine.” Emil smiled slightly at Yuuri. “Did the Captain talk about where we were going?”

“He said you were all going to The Edge and that I was welcome.” Yuuri tilted his head to the side. “Do you want to go to The Edge.”

“I don’t really care either way.” Emil shrugged, “If you’re asking whether or not I want to take you there, I want to do whatever you want. I think you deserve that much from us.”

“You don’t owe me anything.”

“We almost got you killed.”

“I made my choices and I could have easily gotten out of that situation without being hurt. I chose to get into a firefight with that police officer.”

“And why did you do that?” Yuuri jumped at Mila’s voice behind him. “Why didn’t you just go with him? I’m sure when he realized you weren’t one of us, that he tried to cut you a deal.”

“In the moment, I told him that it was because this was the fastest ship in the universe.”

“And out of the moment?” Mila stepped closer to Yuuri and Emil, finally joining the conversation for real. “Why do you think you did it now?”

“You’re all so young.” Was his first response even though he knew they probably didn’t want to hear that. “And you’re loyal to each other in a way that I’ve rarely seen. You have a sort of loyalty I couldn’t imagine in anyone who was actually bad. You lied to me. You tricked me. You did things that I was so confused by and angry about and yet…” Yuuri shook his head. “I don’t know why I didn’t go with him but something–”

He stopped short, coming up with a reason that he hadn’t thought about until now.

“I did it because I thought it was what Viktor would do.” His voice was small and he hated how weak he sounded, but right now Yuuri didn’t have much control over his tone. “I thought he would trust you and I thought– he would have stuck with you because he’s that kind of idiot. He’s loyal to a fault to the people he cares about and I know that he would have started caring about you all after a week. But for as stupid as he could be, he was usually right. Almost always. And I knew he would trust you, he would care about you, and he would stay loyal.”

“Why are you loyal to us?” Mila shook her head. “You have no reason to be.”

“I might not feel the same loyalty you all feel for each other,” Yuuri explained. “But I still feel a certain type of loyalty.” He shook his head because there wasn’t much left for him to do but keep shaking his head. “I did it because of Viktor.”

“Well,” Mila smiled at him, seeming suddenly at ease. “I guess we’ll have to meet him so I can thank him. Your loyalty saved up on Malen. Now, do you want me to carry you up these stairs? I think it’s about time we all got something to eat.”

“Okay.” Yuuri smiled at Mila, feeling like maybe he’d made the right choice by sticking with this crew. “Thank you and… sorry for earlier.”

“No apology needed.” When the got to the stairs, Mila lifted Yuuri out of the wheelchair to carry him up the stairs, Emil following with the wheelchair. Yuuri briefly thought about how these ships should really be better outfitted for people with disabilities. “Just promise that once you’re able to, you’ll keep cooking us good meals and then we’ll be even.”

“Sounds good to me,” Yuuri laughed, feeling okay for the first time in a long time despite everything. Despite the pain and despite the fear, he felt really, truly okay.

\---

When Sara stepped into the kitchen along with Mickey, she could only raise an eyebrow at Mila and Emil who were both sitting at the table, watching Yuuri cook. He was out of the wheelchair and standing on his good leg, much to Mickey's annoyance.

“I am used to The Captain and Mila refusing to listen to my instructions, but I didn't expect this from you.”

“I'm fine,” Yuuri assured him, only annoying Mickey more. “Besides, who else is going to cook dinner?”

“Not you,” Yuri said as he appeared behind Sara and Mickey, pausing a moment to look at everyone. “You two allowed this.”

“We started to cook then he got all annoyed and insisted he would do it because, and I quote,” Mila said, not looking at all guilty, “‘you're butchering the art of cooking’.”

“Katsuki, you need to rest.” Yuri stepped around Sara and Mickey, walking over to Yuuri and forcing him into the chair. “You sit over here and chat with them. I'll do this.”

“You'll do this?” Mila realized an eyebrow at him. “Really? I didn't even think you knew what a pan was.”

Surprisingly, Yuri didn't rise to the bait, simply leaving Yuuri at the table and heading back to the kitchen. He resumed Yuuri's work, which had only been putting rice in the rice cooker and starting to cut the last of their semi-fresh vegetables.

“You know how to cook?” Yuuri asked, no judgment or malice in the question.

“My mama always insisted she’d cook dinner after work but I could tell she was too tired,” Yuri spoke in a quiet voice that Yuuri recognized. It was the voice of a pleasant memory. It was the voice or a happy past. “Grandpa would cook when he was home but he was usually in space so I’d only learned a little from him. I started cooking Mama and me dinners when I was eight, I think.”

“Eight? That’s pretty young to be cooking by yourself,” Yuuri commented, trying to remember the first time he’d cooked alone. He definitely was older than eight.

“Mama tried to tell me not to but I did it anyway. Finally, she told me that I could keep cooking but only if I let her teach me.”

“Captain, are you capable of following any rules?” Mila asked with a smirk.

“I only follow rules that make sense,” Yuri shot back. “And that one didn’t make sense. I didn’t have anything else to do after school and if I started dinner before Mama got home, then we could eat at 7.”

Mila’s smirk faded into a small, almost sad smile, her eyes looking down at her lap.

“I guess I can’t talk much. I was fourteen when I started cooking for Mama and me.”

The room fell into silence for a few moments before Yuri huffed, bringing everyone’s eyes back to him.

“That’s enough of that for one night. I want a full status report.”

“The jump from IRG-26 to IRG-21 has successfully been entered. It’ll be about four SEDs until we exit. We’ll need a short rest in IRG-21 before making a short jump to IRG-22.” Sara took a breath, allowing herself to smile. “By then we should have lost The Pavlova.”

“Good.” Yuri put a pan onto the already hot stovetop. “Mickey?”

“The quick healer is almost working. We should be able to speed Yuuri’s recovery significantly. I’m thinking two weeks until complete healing. Five days to a week for him to be walking again, though I’ll probably have him at least on crutches until it fully heals.”

“Perfect,” Yuri nodded, starting to put all the vegetables into the pan. “Emil.”

“The engines look fine for now. We’ll only need a small rest in IRG-21. While we’re resting there I’ll work on the warp engines more to see if I can make the increased speed more stable.”

“Mila, you have anything for me?” Yuri asked, looking at Mila, his lips quirked into a small smirk.

“Since we have plenty of time in this warp, how about you and I do some hand-to-hand practice?”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Oh no you don’t,” Mickey interjected. “Mila, you’re still healing.”

“We’ll be careful,” Mila said with a grin. “I mean, I bet I can beat the Captain with only one arm.”

“Fuck you, you’re not that good,” Yuri had apparently used up his daily quota of not rising to Mila’s bait. “But Mickey’s right. I don’t want to beat you while you’re injured, that’ll just look bad.”

“Boo, you’re not fun.” Mila turned to look at Sara. “What about you?”

“As much as I like our lessons together, I think I’m going to have to side with Mickey here.” Sara was smiling but Yuuri could tell by her strained smile that she was actually worried about Mila still. “You need to heal. Why don’t we do something a little safer?”

“You’re all losers.” Mila shook her head. “But, fine, if you all don’t want to be any fun, I guess we can read or something. Oh!” Mila perked up. “I know, we can tell embarrassing stories about the Captain!”

“Mila, I swear to god–”

“Once, while we were in school,” Mila said, ignoring Yuri. “And Yuri shows up at the dorms with a box full of kittens…”

Yuuri smiled as he listened to the story—there was something calming about laughing with everyone while Yuri tried to drown Mila out with his protestation—feeling like maybe Sara had been right when she said The Potya could be a pretty good temporary home.

\---

“I never apologized to you two,” Yuuri said during a dinner conversation 2 SEDs into their jump. “I shouldn’t have gotten so angry with you all. You were just trying to help.”

“No hard feelings,” Sara insisted. “Really.”

“Speak for yourself,” Mickey pursed his lips, anxiety running through Yuuri. “Your freak out almost undid all my work.”

“Mickey, don’t be like that,” Emil said, leaning against Mickey even as Mickey seemed oblivious to what Yuuri thought was pretty obvious flirting from Emil. Then again, maybe he was just misinterpreting their childhood friendship. “ Yuuri, don’t listen to him. He was just worried about you. After you yelled at us, all Mickey would talk about is how he was worried about you doing something dumb and getting more hurt.”

“All I was saying was that you’ve already done plenty of stupid stuff and it would have been annoying if we had to save you again.”

Mickey was nearly pouting now, his face set in petulant annoyance even as he refused to look at Yuuri, Emil, or Sara. Emil and Sara were both looking at him with knowing eyes while Yuuri was smiling at him, completely unable to keep from thinking that the crew of The Potya were pretty adorable when they acted their age.

“I wouldn’t say I’ve done that much stupid stuff.”

“I mean, you came to space without a plan, so that was pretty dumb.” Mickey shook his head. “What exactly were you thinking when you decided to hitchhike across the damn universe.”

“Well,” Yuuri looked down at his almost finished dinner. “I was thinking that I needed to find Viktor.”

“Ah, there’s that name again.” Mila leaned forward, making Yuri the only one still acting like he was listening to the other conversation happening at the dinner table. “Who is this Viktor?”

“Yuri didn’t tell you?” Yuuri blinked, finally drawing Yuri into the conversation.

“I don’t talk about other people’s business,” He replied through a mouthful of food. “You can tell them your sob story with your own breath.”

“Well, that’s quite upstanding of you.” Mila scoffed. “But what’s life without a little gossip?”

“I have enough drama dealing with space’s bullshit. I don’t need other people’s bullshit,” Yuri told her, which only earned him a laugh before Mila turned back to Yuuri.

“So, who’s Viktor?”

“My husband.”

The table fell silent and Yuuri suddenly found himself being stared at by four sets of questioning, blinking eyes.

“Your husband?” Sara was the one to finally break the silence. “You’re married?”

“Have been for seven years.”

“Seven years!” Emil gasped. “What happened to him?”

“He just… disappeared.” Yuuri shrugged, looking down again. “He left me with a note and a medallion. I figured out there was a code in the letter that told me where to go. That’s why I’m going to The Edge. There’s a planet that I need to get to. A planet where I hope Viktor is waiting with explanations.”

“Wait, he just left?” Sara was shaking her head. “After seven years?”

“Yah.” Yuuri could hardly believe it himself and saying it out loud made it all seem even more real than it had been before. Maybe this was why he hadn’t told them. Maybe telling them that Viktor left after seven years with not even a true goodbye was too much because words had power and when they were spoken aloud, their power became manifest. The power of these words was the ability to suck Yuuri’s hope out of his mind. “There was so much thought put into the clues he left. He must have been thinking about it for a long time. Planning it without telling me…”

“Well, if he went to all that effort to leave you clues then he must want you to find him,” Mickey said flippantly, earning him surprised looks from everyone. “What?”

“Sorry, Mickey, I just didn’t know you could be so positive,” Sara explained.

“I can be positive!” Mickey defended but everyone else just raised an eyebrow at him. “Love is the most powerful force in the universe and anyone who’s married for seven years is in love!”

“Apparently not everyone,” Yuuri shrugged. “I mean if he really wanted me to find him then why did he make it so difficult.”

“If he didn’t bring you, it was obviously because there was some danger to bringing you.” Mickey was holding his chin in one hand, looking very serious. “But, he still wanted to be found eventually so he knew he had to leave you a way to find him. And I’d bet that he hid the clues because he was afraid that whoever or whatever he was afraid of in the first place would find the clues first.”

Yuuri’s mouth fell slowly open as Mickey spoke, Mickey’s words revealing to him an option he hadn’t considered: that Viktor loved and cared about Yuuri as deeply as Yuuri had always believed he did. Suddenly, Yuuri thought about how maybe, just maybe, there was a good explanation for why Viktor had left like he did. Because, for as much as Yuuri kept trying to convince himself that Viktor didn’t leave because he didn’t love Yuuri, he had a hard time convincing himself completely. He couldn’t come up with an explanation other than the fact that Yuuri wasn’t worth Viktor and that Viktor had realized that. Even when he reminded himself that it was just his mind trying to destroy itself, Yuuri couldn’t shake the feeling that there was no reason for him to be chasing Viktor because Viktor didn’t want him.

But all it took was a few moments for Mickey to come up with another reason.

“Did I say something wrong?” Mickey asked, looking uncertain.

“No,” Yuuri smiled, discreetly wiping away the small tear that he formed in the corner of his eyes. “You didn’t say anything wrong.”

\---

“After tomorrow’s healing you should be good to start walking a little,” Mickey told Yuuri as he helped Yuuri back into the wheelchair. “But you still need to take it easy. The quick healer will heal wounds but your skin and bones in that area will be a lot weaker than usual for at least another month.”

“Okay, that’s fine. I’m just glad to be in less pain.” Yuuri smiled. “And I hope I won’t have to do anything too hard for a while yet.”

“We’re about to come out of warp,” Sara’s voice sounded over the intercom. “We’ll be taking no more than a day’s rest here before heading to IRG-22. Emil, when you’re done with the warp engines tell me so I can get us into that jump.”

There was a shuttering throughout the ship as they came out of warp, then everything went back to normal.

“Lunch will be in half an hour, courtesy of our very own Mila who is cooking up some delicious sandwiches made of rehydrated spinach and salted beef. I hope you’re all as excited as I am for that delicious sounding combination.”

“We’re running out of food, aren’t we?” Yuuri asked.

“It’s not that bad yet,” Mickey answered, busying his hands by reorganizing one of the many drawers in the medical bay. “But we usually try to keep a better stock than this just in case.”

“This is the just in case scenario, right?”

“You could say that. We used a lot of medical supplies, we’re pushing our engines to their limits, and we’re getting into the second stage of our foodstuffs. I’m sure the dehydrated food will be gone soon too.”

“I’m sorry, it must be hard having another mouth to feed.”

“Don’t apologize,” Mickey commanded without looking at Yuuri. “We don’t have to worry about food until we start getting into our meal replacement bars full time. We’re not there yet so we’ll be fine. We’ll be safe after this next jump so we can plan a trip to restock somewhere. We’ll be fine.” Mickey turned to look at Yuuri, his face serious and without its usual grumpiness. “The Captain knows what he’s doing.”

“Why do you have so much faith in him?” Yuuri asked before he could stop to think about what he was asking.

“We trained together. It might have been only four years but when you train together… well, you get to know a person pretty well. I watched him put his life in danger for us after less than a year of being a team. The Captain doesn’t trust easily but he cares a lot about loyalty and he cares a lot about how he thinks captains should act. He’s obsessed with the idea of complete loyalty to his crew and self-sacrifice for them. As much as I think the idea of self-sacrifice is stupid, at least to the level he seems to take it, I still respect it. I know I can trust him because I know how he thinks. And he’d do anything to keep us safe even if he can act like he doesn’t care.”

“I can kind of see that,” Yuuri replied because it was pretty obvious that Yuri would do just about anything for his crew. “And it’s good to see even if it makes me worry about his health.”

“Yuri Plisetsky has a way of making you do that.” Mickey shook his head. “You’ll never get used to his near suicidal tendencies, trust me.”

“I’d be more worried if I got used to them,” Yuuri laughed, thinking that when Mickey let down his guard a little, he wasn’t such a bad guy. He was still grumpy, but it was the kind of grumpiness you’d expect from someone who said ‘I’m too old for this shit’ a lot, all while saving their friends from certain doom. “And, hey, thanks for everything.”

“Just doing my job,” Mickey shrugged. “I need to go now, but if you need anything, just call.”

Yuuri nodded, letting Mickey leave while he thought about how this crew was such an odd bunch of people.

\---

“The engines aren't the problem,” Emil shook his head as Mila looked on. “It's the ship itself that's keeping us from going any faster. FTL travel is hard on the outside of the ship.”

“It's also hard on our bodies,” Mila commented, walking to stand behind Emil. “And don't pretend the engines aren't on the verge of breaking every time we use your jerry-rigged higher speeds.”

“I think we're fine to cut our trips by about 67% without having to worry. The engines are stable enough for that.”

“The hope is we won't have a reason to cut our trips.” Mila shook her head. “What the hell are we planning to do?”

“What do you mean?” Emil turned to look at Mila.

“Are we going to run forever? Can we run forever?”

Emil looked down at his lap, knowing Mila was right. They had to come up with a better plan than 'take Yuuri to The Edge’.

“We'll figure it out.”

“Is this the life we should be living?”

“Mila…”

“We're the best of the best!” Mila wasn't about to shy away from a boast if it was the truth. “And look at us. You spend your time fucking around with these engines when you should be building the 800 series! Sara should be using her piloting skills for something other than jumping around the universe. Mickey could be a doctor. The Captain could do anything he wants to do and I could be… I don't know, doing something other than wondering how long before I have to choose between the lives of people I care about!”

“Mila,” Emil stood, putting a hand on her shoulder. “I can't speak for anyone else on this ship but this is where I'm supposed to be. If the only good thing we do is get Yuuri where he's going, then it'll be worth it.” He pulled Mila into a tight hug. “And I swear we're all going to be okay. You don't have to worry.”

“It's my job to worry,” Mila murmured into his shoulder. “How do you stay so positive?”

“Someone had to counter Mickey's grumpiness growing up.” Emil laughed, “and Sara just wasn't enough to do that.”

Mila laughed along with Emil, wishing she could have had what he and the twins had growing up. Maybe then she wouldn't be so afraid of losing people. Maybe she would have learned how to have friends without wondering when they were going to leave her or die.

“Thanks, Emil,” she told him as he pulled away. “Sorry for freaking out.”

“You're fine,” Emil waved her away, heading to the intercom to tell Sara they could head into the next jump. “We all need to get things off our chests sometimes.”

Mila watched her eternally upbeat and steady friend, wondering if this was all an act. He was always so forward with his emotions but Mila got the feeling that he was hiding something from her and from everyone else.

“Even you?”

Emil paused, his hand over the call button as he thought of the panic that had swirled around his mind when he'd thought Mila had been the one shot on Malen. He thought about the way his hands had shaken once he and Mickey had finished Yuuri’s surgery. Even now he could feel the unsteadiness that had followed him after the surgery.

“Even me,” he finally responded, hitting the call button before Mila could ask him any other questions. “Sara. We're ready to go.”

\---

Somehow, everyone ended up in the control room as The Potya came out of warp. It was a bit crowded but even Yuuri felt like it would be a good idea to be in the control room. For as sure as everyone acted about them being safe, there was a feeling that it would depend on what they saw on this side of the warp.

“Coming out of warp in five.” Sara sounded like she was fighting to keep her voice even. 

“Four.”

Mickey was watching closely on his secondary radar and his map, obviously ready to call out the inputs for another jump should things look bad.

“Three.”

Emil’s hands were gripping the back of Mickey's chair tightly, though neither of them seemed to notice. His eyes were glued intently on Mickey's radar, his body ready to run if he needed to head to the engine room.

“Two.”

Mila’s hands were balled into fists, her eyes staring unblinkingly out the viewing window.

“One.”

Yuuri could feel the tension in the room and that only made his own anxiety double. 

“Out of warp.” Sara took a few beats to look over her radar and other equipment. “We're clear.”

Yuri let out a quiet sigh of relief, the tension that had been building in his muscles finally draining out. They were safe, at least for now. 

“Okay. Emil, go check the engines. Mickey, we need to plan a new route, we should make a restocking run.” Yuri’s mouth twitched into a small smile, his mind at ease. “The rest of you, take it easy.”

“Sounds good,” Sara didn't even try to keep the smile off her face. She looked more than a little relieved. “I can't believe–”

“Guys,” Mickey's voice interrupted. “I'm getting a radio signal from a military vessel.”

“What?” Yuri asked, heading to look over Mickey's shoulder as Sara started to hit buttons. “Why can't we see a ship?”

“I don't know.” Mickey was shaking his head. “It must be a stealth ship.”

“Are they trying to contact us?” Emil asked.

“No,” Sara looked up from her panel, a small smile on her face even if she still looked a little scared. “I don't think they know this channel is open.”

“Can we listen to it?” Yuri asked, a smile creeping onto his face. “Can we get video?”

“One second…” Sara looked over at Emil, who immediately headed to her side. “What do you think?”

“What about this?” Emil leaned over her, inputting a series of seemingly random commands. 

After a moment of silence, a video feed took over the viewing screen, showing a control room bit so different from the one they were in. Based on his knowledge of explorer ships, Yuuri guessed it was an early 600 series, if not a late 500 series. 

Behind the control panel was an old man with gray hair, the top of his head completely bald. In the navigator's seat was a man with black hair and looked to be in his late 20s or early 30s, though it was hard to tell because his back was to whatever camera they were looking through.

Behind the pilot was an older woman with cheekbones that could cut glass and a sharp look that Yuuri expected from a military commander and not the pilot of an exploration ship.

“Should we make our move?” The pilot asked, his voice gruff. “They don't seem to see us.”

“Not yet.” The woman commanded, her voice matching the stiffness of her perfect posture exactly. “Give them more time to let down their guard”

“Fuck,” Yuri’s smile was gone and he was no longer paying attention to the conversation on the viewer. “I never thought they would be waiting here for us.”

“But how?” Sara asked as Yuri and Mickey started to make quick plans for another jump.

“They must not have been with the ships at Malen.” Yuri nodded at the route Mickey made, heading over to Sara. “We need to push the engines as hard as they can go. I want to make this jump in two days.”

“Captain this is a six-day jump!” Sara looked at Yuri like he was crazy but Yuri didn't budge.

“Emil, we can do it, right?”

“Yes, but–”

“So let's do it.”

Yuuri was still, quietly watching as the video on the viewer turned to static and went out. Emil ran past him to head for the engine room, with Mila following him after giving Sara's shoulder a firm squeeze. Yuri was standing over Sara, looking almost like he was trying to imitate the captain from the other ship. Mickey was leaned over his console like he was saying a prayer. And maybe he was. Maybe they all should be.

“Who was that?” Yuuri finally asked even though he thought he knew the answer. 

“That was the crew of The Pavlova,” Yuri responded, looking grim. “They're the best crew in the USEA and they were in retirement until we ran. Now their only job is to capture us.”

“They haven't been doing a great job so far.”

“We have a faster ship and up until now that has saved our asses.” Yuri shook his head. “But that ship has three of the best spacemen and women we've seen in years and if they've started using strategy to find us I don't know how long we'll last.”

“Yuri, from what I've seen, you're a damn good strategist,” Yuuri told him honestly.

“Thanks for the compliment but that's the problem.” Yuri glanced at Yuuri. “That crew is made up of the people who taught every member of The Potya nearly everything we know.”

Now Yuuri thought he understood why Mickey was praying.

“So, if you have any magical strategies for how to get away from them, I'd love to hear it.”

Yuuri snorted out a humorless laugh. “It seems like you've got a pretty good idea of what to do.”

“Yah?” Yuri snorted too, a small smirk on his face. “What's that great idea we had.”

“Run.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol I was all ready to put this up earlier than usual then I fell asleep for like ten hours... Last night was crazy and I'm glad I edited this early.
> 
> \---
> 
> I forgot! So I keep meaning to tell you all about the structure of posting an whatnot in the future. So There are what I consider to be three parts to this fic. The first two parts are about 17 chapters and the last one is about ten so I might take a break between parts 2 and 3, depending on a few factors. Also, the unofficial names for these parts are Darkness, Questions, and Hope. Next chapter is the last chapter in the Darkness part/arc/section and I might take a week off but probably not. I'll tell you next week about that possibility. 
> 
> \---
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	7. It All Catches Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the end, it all catches up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop, almost forgot it was Sunday :P

One day into the warp, the ship was silent. Yuuri rolled around the ship, feeling like the loudest thing in the universe. He didn't know what to do with himself outside of cooking meals and so spent a lot of time just rolling back and forth between his room and the kitchen.

Sara didn’t leave the control room unless Mila forced her to come eat a meal. Mila spent most of her time with Emil in the engine room or with Sara, making sure she didn't worry herself sick.

Emil spent too much time in the engine room and Yuuri was worried the heat was going to make him sick. 

Mickey spent his time checking and rechecking the status of their medical supplies. He also had Yuuri's twice-daily healing sessions which meant he spent most of his time in the medical bay.

Yuri was the most elusive of them, spending most of his time in his room, working on something he refused to tell them about. Yuuri, along with the rest of the crew, was worried what he was planning.

“Mickey,” Yuuri finally spoke up as Mickey finished up the healing for the day. Yuuri could walk a little now, though there was still a lot of pain when he did. “You should probably get Emil to spend some time out of the engine room. It's not healthy to spend that much time in that heat.”

“You think Mila and Sara haven't already tried to get him to leave?” Mickey wasn't looking at Yuuri but the stiffness of his back told Yuuri that he didn't want to be having this conversation. 

“I know, but I think you might have better luck.”

“They’re both better with people.”

“Emil isn't just 'people’. He's your childhood friend.”

“So is Sara.”

Yuuri sighed, wondering if he'd misread the interactions between the two young men given how unsure Mickey seemed of himself. 

“Think about it this way then,” Yuuri hoped a different angle would work. He was really worried about Emil. “You're a doctor and he's going to exhaust himself in there.”

Mickey remained quiet for a long time before he turned to look at Yuuri.

“I never wanted to be a navigator. Not like Sara wanted to be a pilot or Emil wanted to be a mechanic. I would have been happy to stay on Malen and become a doctor but where Sara goes, Emil and I follow.” The words seemed to spill out of his mouth, Mickey's eyes saying he didn't know why he was saying this. “This is all too much for someone like me.”

Maybe it was because Yuuri reminded him if his parents. Nonjudgmental, a great cook, and an easy shoulder to cry on. Maybe it was just that having someone outside of this crew made all the things he'd never say spill out.

Maybe he was just too young for all this.

“This is too much for anyone,” Yuuri amended, wondering how such a group of such young people got so fucked up. “You're all doing great, considering. But you only have each other now, so you have to make sure you stick together.”

“Sara misses the sky,” Mickey spoke softly, his face tilted towards the ground. “I know she does.”

“Yeah?”

“Emil misses home, misses our parents, misses a full family.”

Yuuri remained silent, waiting for Mickey's point.

“But I just miss being safely on land. I miss not being afraid of everything. I've been afraid since the day we decided to leave Malen. I just… I miss normality. I never asked for any of this because I wasn't meant for it.”

“Mickey?”

“How am I supposed to help people who are falling apart over reasonable things when I fell apart years ago?”

There was a plain fear in Mickey's eyes, coupled with a plea for answers Yuuri didn't think anyone could provide. Yuri recognized that look because it had been the one he saw in the mirror while he was deciding whether or not to try and become a pilot. It had been the one he saw when he found Viktor gone. It was the one he saw when he figured out he'd never be able to pay for a chartered flight across the universe.

It was the look he saw every time he let the reality of what he was doing rise to the surface of his mind.

“That's the exact reason you can be there for them.” Yuuri smiled, rolling over to Mickey and attempting to put a hand on his shoulder. When that didn't work, he settled for placing his hand on Mickey's arm. “You fell apart and you're still here.”

Mickey took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he did. When he opened then again, the vulnerable fear was gone and replaced with the grumpiness Yuuri was more used to.

“Sorry for all that.”

“Nothing to apologize for.” Yuuri had shouted out all his fears and anger just a few days earlier so someone falling apart just a little was nothing. “Sometimes you just need to talk.” 

“I'm sure the others have told you how hard it can be to talk to each other.”

“They mentioned it.” Yuuri shrugged as Mickey turned away from him. 

“Well, they're right about that.” He paused in the doorway. “And Sara was right when she said you were easy to talk to.”

“I'm glad to help.”

“Well,” Mickey crossed his arms, “I guess it's time Emil got a checkup from me.”

“Thanks, I'm worried.”

“Don't worry, I'll make sure that idiot is okay.” Mickey smiled, confident that Yuuri couldn't see him. “He needs someone to take care of him after all and I guess it might as well be me.”

\---

The engine room was hotter than Mickey expected it to be when he opened the door. The heat hit him like a desert wind. No wonder Yuuri was worried, it was not just hot but dry now, the life support systems unable to keep up with the heat and low humidity at the same time. 

“Emil?” 

Mickey stepped into the engine room, the doors closing behind him and trapping him in the heat he probably should be used to but wasn't. He’d grown up with hot, dry summers but he usually spent his time inside with the air-conditioning blasting. 

“Mickey?” Emil peaked around a corner. “What're you doing here?”

“Coming to bring you some water.” Emil stepped fully around the corner and Mickey nearly choked on his words, surprised to see Emil was shirtless, his pants rolled up to his knees. “We, uh, don't need our mechanic passing out.”

“I'm fine,” Emil insisted, walking over to take the water from Mickey. Mickey was mostly trying not to stare at Emil's chest. “Why is everyone so worried?”

“Because it's too hot in here.” Mickey crossed his arms, looking off to the side instead of anywhere near Emil. “It's not healthy.”

“You really don't have to worry, I'm fine.”

“I’ll worry if I want to,” Mickey said crossly. “And in my opinion as a doctor, you shouldn’t stay in here any longer. You need to get something to drink and get some sleep.” 

“Mickey–”

“I’m sure your room is as hot as in here so I doubt you’d get any sleep if you tried.” Mickey dragged his eyes up to Emil’s face. “You need to get some sleep.”

“Where would I sleep other than my room?”

“Anywhere?” Mickey threw his arms out. “The cargo bay would be better than in this heat. But we have two open guest rooms you could sleep in. For God’s sake, you could sleep on my floor.” 

“Really?” Emil’s voice was quiet, his eyes suddenly looking off to Mickey’s right. 

“Of course.” Mickey shook his head. “Idiot, you’re always welcome in my room. What kind of friend would I be if you weren’t?”

“Sorry…” Emil smiled at the floor. “I didn’t mean to offend you.” 

“Whatever, just come get something more to drink. And take a shower, you stink.” 

Emil laughed as Mickey turned towards the door and, after a moment of thinking, he followed Mickey outside. 

“I’ll do that.” 

“And Emil.”

“Yah?” Emil asked, pausing as the engine room door closed, making him shiver at the suddenly cool air. 

“I know we don’t like talking to each other. I mean, the entire crew doesn’t like to talk because of living together or whatever but… I’m always here to talk.”

“Me too.” Emil smiled at Mickey’s back. “I’ll go take that shower now.”

“Okay. Then come to the med bay. I want to make sure you aren’t severely dehydrated or anything.” Mickey couldn’t help but worry about Emil. He couldn’t say exactly where his concern for the other young man came from, but he mostly chalked it up to them being childhood friends.

“Okay, sounds good.”

“And I need someone to help me carry Yuuri upstairs too.”

“Okay, I’ll be there.”

“And the other’s will want to know you’re finally not in the engine–”

“Mickey,” Emil interrupted, the other man turning slowly. “Don’t worry. I’ll be there. I’m okay. We’re all going to be okay.”

“Do you really believe that?” Mickey couldn’t tell from looking into Emil’s eyes whether or not he was lying. 

“I don’t know,” Emil shrugged. “But I know that I want that to be true.”

“Hoping is different than believing.” 

“But I’d rather hope for the best than worry about things I can’t change.”

Mickey scoffed, “Says the guy who had to be dragged out of the engine room.”

“I never said I wasn’t a hypocrite.” Emil shrugged again, this time being the one to turn away. “But I really think it’ll be okay, somehow.”

“Me too,” Mickey said, though he was agreeing more with Emil’s hope than anything else. He liked to believe Emil understood that. “Go take that shower.”

“Yes, Sir.” Emil turned one last time to give Mickey a salute before disappearing towards the showers, leaving Mickey to wonder if he had actually helped Emil at all. It had felt more like Emil had helped him.

But wasn’t that always the way his life went? 

\---

“Everyone, check in,” Yuri said through the intercom in the control room.

“Emil checking in from the engine room.”

“Mila checking in from the cargo bay.”

“Good.” Yuri looked around the control room. “Control room, check in.”

“Navigator in place,” Mickey responded.

“Pilot ready.” Sara didn’t look at Yuri, instead staring at her control panel as they readied themselves to exit warp.

“Emil, I want an update as soon as possible.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Yuuri,” Yuri turned to look at Yuuri, who was sitting in the corner of the control room. His leg was finally healed enough that he could walk and stand for short periods of time, but he still mainly used the wheelchair. “You good?”

“I’m good.”

"Okay. Sara, count us down when we get close."

"Got it."

The control room fell silent as everyone considered the probability that they'd be safe once they came out of the jump. Yuuri, as well as everyone else, knew that they were probably safe. They'd left the slower Pavlova in the dust by pushing their engines so hard. Anyone else on the other side could be outrun by their non-warp engines. Only The Pavlova would be able to catch up to them and there was no way they'd made an at least six-day journey—but given their older engines, it probably would take them longer—as fast as The Potya.

So, for all they could tell, they were safe. There was nothing that could hurt them on the other side of this warp unless the military had sent an entire fleet to deal with them. And if they didn't mind destroying The Potya. Yuuri doubted they'd do either of those things and yet something in him seemed to itch with concern. He couldn't say exactly what was wrong but he felt the need to protect The Potya from something they couldn't see yet.

"We're pulling out of warp in twenty-five," Sara announced.

Mickey lowered his head, whispering a prayer to a god popular on Malen that only he still believed in of him, Sara, and Emil. He couldn't say why he believed any more than they could explain why they didn't but it was one of the only reasons he hadn't run back home after a week in The Stellar Academy.

"Fifteen."

In the engine room, Emil was waiting for them to pull out of warp so he could see what the damage to their engines was. It already wasn't looking great but it also wasn't as bad as it could be. He wanted to say that they couldn’t warp again until he made a thorough check on the entire inner workings of the ship but he knew that wasn't feasible. He just had to hope it was workable.

"Ten."

Mila was waiting by the trapdoor that led to some of the other, less critical workings of the ship. If something went really wrong, she had a fire extinguisher in one hand that would cool things down in there. Or put out some fires, if things went really really wrong.

"Five."

Yuuri felt like he was going to explode.

"Four."

He hated this.

"Three."

He just wanted them to be safe again.

"Two."

Then again, they'd never been safe. He'd just thought they were.

"One."

Yuri felt a trickle of fear running through his blood and he hated it, wishing he could be stronger.

"Exiting warp."

There was a jolt—larger than usual because the ship wasn't built to be going this fast—then everything was silent.

Nobody said a word as radars were scanned and Emil went to work. When the intercom crackled to life, Yuuri felt a little better.

"The initial check shows minimal damage down here," Emil announced, earning him some quick cheers. "It needs at least six hours to cool down then I'll be able to make sure it's all really okay but I think we survived it without too much damage. We can't do another warp like that without breaking something, though. Even a regular speed warp will be impossible until I can get my hands on some better parts. Or any parts."

"What are you saying?"

"We'll need to take it slow on our warps. I'd recommend half the standard warp."

Yuri let out a sigh, looking annoyed even though he knew that this was the best case scenario.

"Okay. Good work Emil. Any problems on your end, Mila?"

"Nope, didn't even need to think about using the fire extinguisher. How are things looking up there?"

Yuri looked at Sara and Mickey, waiting for a quick answer but instead found them both with unhappy looks on their face.

"What's wrong?"

"There's something strange on this screen," Mickey explained. "It doesn't look like a ship but there's something there–"

"I got it cleared!" Sara shouted, panic in her voice. "It's a cloaked ship! Or, it was. It's shown itself purposefully.”

"It could just be a passing ship, right?" Yuuri asked. "We're near a planet."

"Why would a regular ship have been cloaking itself?" Yuri shook his head. "Sara, take us into orbit on that planet. We might have to ditch the ship."

"Leave The Potya?" Sara sounded genuinely upset and no wonder, she'd described The Potya as a sort of home. After Malen, it was really the only home she had left. It was the only home any of them had. "Really?"

"I don't know. It depends who they are. We can outrun most ships but until we get a visual, we won't know."

"Captain." Mickey's voice was low and didn't sound like he had pleasant news.

"What?"

"They're trying to contact us."

"Fuck them."

"They also have guns pointed at us."

Silence stretched out for what seemed like hours before Yuri let his head drop. When he spoke, his voice was weak.

"Who is it?"

"The–" Mickey shook his head. "The Pavlova."

"How?" Sara looked around the room. "How are they here? We saw them!"

"It was a fucking trap." Yuri swung his arm back, hitting his fist hard against the back wall. "They fucking tricked us."

Yuri took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he took a few more breaths. He felt himself starting to crack, just a little. But his crew was depending on him. Yuuri was depending on him. He couldn't crack now even if his vision was starting to be blurred by fear-fueled adrenaline.

"Captain?"

Yuri opened his eyes, his face neutral.

"Put them on screen."

There was another moment of silence before a familiar face came up on screen. It was the pilot of The Pavolva—the older, balding man—and he looked upset.

"Major, how nice to see you again," Yuri said, a smug grin on his face and his back straight. He kept his hands in his pockets, though, looking at ease despite the fact that in his pockets, his hands were shaking.

"Yuri Mikhailovich Plisetsky, don't you talk to me like that." The man's voice was as gruff as it had been the first time Yuuri heard it. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Not sure what you're referring to, Sir."

"You finally get a damn ship then you run off? How much of a child are you?"

"I'm not a child." Yuri just needed to stay cool. "I knew exactly what I was doing."

"You stole a USEA ship."

"So I did." Yuri pulled his hands out of his pockets to cross his arms. "And what are you going to do? Blow us up?"

"We could."

"Do it."

"You really want to play chicken with us, boy? We will catch you so just give up now."

"I'm not letting you take us."

"Yura, what exactly do you think you're going to do? Where do you think you're going to go? You're done!" The older man shook his head. "Just stop being an idiot."

Yuri glanced at Sara who was looking at him questioningly.

"Fine. We'll meet you on this planet, okay? Is that good enough for you? We'll put The Potya into orbit and meet you on the surface."

"Why should we trust you?"

"What else do you want us to do?" Yuri challenged, nodding to Sara. "We're going into orbit. Shoot us down if you want. Otherwise, I'll see you on the planet. We'll send you the coordinates."

Yuri turned and nodded at Mickey, who nodded back.

"Excuse me, we'll be sending–"

The video cut out and Yuri looked suddenly like he was going to fall over, all his vibrato gone as he clenched his shaking fists. The feeling of his nails digging into his skin was the only thing keeping him from fully losing it. After a few moments of this, he stood up straight and once again looked like the captain Yuuri had come to know him as.

"Sara, take us into orbit. Emil, I want you to fix those engines double time. Mila, help him out. Mickey, course our next warp."

"Next warp?" Mickey asked even as he turned to do just that. "What do you mean?"

"They tricked us. Now it's our turn."

\---

_ “Are any of us truly who we say we are? Do any of us really understand our true character? Do we know what we’ll do before the time comes to decide?” _

_ His voice was a whisper as he spoke the words he was writing, unaware he was even speaking. _

_ “Mom, I’m sorry. Grandpa, I’m sorry. You both saw so much in me but… You taught me to be good and, honestly, I’m bad at that but this time, I swear I’m trying to do the right thing.” _

_ His hands were shaking and it was hard to write. He wished he’d typed this instead of trying to write it in the low light of his dorm room after lights out. _

_ “Yakov, Lilia, I’m sorry too. You tried to teach me to be a good captain but I’ll never be a good captain.” _

_ He wanted to tear up this letter and tell the others he’d been out of it when he asked them to leave.  _

_ “I’m leaving my captain’s hat. I’m not deserving of the rank or distinction from the USEA. I don’t want the distinction from the Military. They’re wrong and I can’t stay here.”  _

_ He wanted to leave behind the idea of ever running.  _

_ “There is so much more to say but no time to say it. There is so much more to change but no way to change it.”  _

_ He wanted to forget what he saw.  _

_ “I made my choice and you’ve made yours. I wish there was a different choice for me to make. If I could stay, I would. I hope you’ll understand. I hope… Well, I guess I just hope.” _

_ Yuri Plisetsky signed the note with his full name and title — Captain Yuri Mikhailovich Plisetsky — and left it, along with his captain’s hat, on the table in his dorm. He looked around at the room that had been his home for four years and sighed, wishing he’d made different choices. Wishing he had better choices. Hoping he wasn’t completely fucking up even though he was sure he was.  _

_ He headed for the door, opening it and standing in the doorway for just long enough to whisper two words before leaving the room, knowing it would become someone else’s home soon enough. _

_ “I’m sorry.”  _

\---

Yuri’s plan was simple. Too simple. 

Yuuri wasn’t an idiot. He didn’t always know when someone was lying but Yuri was pretty easy to read. He wasn’t the best liar, at least not to Yuuri’s eyes. Everyone else seemed to believe him, though. Whether it was because of blind trust or because they really couldn’t tell, Yuuri didn’t know. Maybe they did notice but they didn’t care. 

Yuuri had a lot of trouble getting down the stairs himself, his leg nearly giving out more than once. Somehow, despite the pain and weakness, he made it downstairs and to the cargo bay. He saw the shuttle door was open and he headed inside, unsurprised to find Yuri at the helm despite the fact that his ‘plan’ didn’t call for anyone to leave the ship. 

“Who do you think you’re saving?”

“Fuck!” Yuri turned around quickly, grabbing his chest like Yuuri had genuinely scared him. “What the fuck Katsuki?” 

“You’re going to give yourself up.”

Yuri turned back to the controls, not responding to Yuuri’s accusations.

“They don’t want this.”

“What would you know?” Yuri asked, spinning back around. “What do they know?”

“They know enough to trust you and I trust you too.” Yuuri walked over to sit next to Yuri, more because he couldn’t stand for any longer than wanting to be closer to Yuri. “But you don’t need to do this and I think you know they wouldn’t want you to do this.” 

“Maybe I’m doing this for myself.” Yuri still wouldn’t look at Yuuri. “Maybe I’m being selfish.”

“You’re being selfish, that’s for sure.” Yuuri snorted out a small laugh. “But not on purpose, right? You’re doing this because you think you are the only one who can protect them.”

“I asked them to do this!” Yuri glared at Yuuri but there was little venom in it. Instead, Yuuri saw desperation and fear. “They don’t need to go down with me. I can save them. And once I’m in military custody I can explain everything and get them off without any real repercussions. They can see their families again. They can have a normal life again. Everything can be okay.” 

“What about you?”

“What  _ about _ me?” 

“What about your normal life and your family? Don’t you deserve that stuff?” Yuuri shook his head, knowing that Yuri was just going to say something about not deserving it. “Nevermind that. You really think the military is going to let the rest of the crew off that easily?”

“Aren’t I allowed to hope they will?”

“Sure, but you’re doing something selfish for a pipedream when you could stay here instead.”

“And wait to be taken together? Wait to be blown up? What do you want me to do instead.”

“You just…” Yuuri shook his head again, wishing he had better answers. “You need to at least tell them what you’re doing. Don’t trick your own crew into leaving you behind, they’ll never forgive themselves.”

“Fine…” Yuri said, looking down as he folded his hands in his lap. “But I need to do this. It’s the last thing I can do for them.”

“That’s fine… just… just tell them. They need to hear it.” Yuuri put a hand on Yuri’s shoulder. “And they’ll want to.”

\---   
“What the actual fuck, Captain?” Sara could be really loud if she wanted. Yuri always forgot she could out curse and out shout him and Mila if she wanted. Then one of them inevitably did something really stupid and they all were reminded that Sara could really shout if she wanted to be. “We’re not leaving you.”

“It’s the only way.” Yuri didn’t want to be having this conversation but like a kid caught trying to steal, he’d been shamed into telling everyone everything. He hated to admit how much Yuuri was like a parent sometimes. He hated to admit that Yuuri reminded him of his mama. “You’ll all be safe that way.”

“Fuck that,” Mila responded. “Let’s figure this out together.”

“I have a plan,” Yuuri spoke up, surprising everyone. “The planet we’re orbiting is from a series of early terraformed planets that are all identical in design.”  

“Okay?” Mickey looked at Yuuri like he’d lost it. “Your point is…?”

“I did a paper on these planets in college. Yuri and I can go to the surface and you can all escape. I know the layout of this planet by heart and can find us somewhere safe to hide while The Pavlova leaves to pursue you guys. You’ll have already lost them so you can eventually circle back around for us. Though you should wait at least a month, I’d say.”

Sara stood suddenly, slamming her hands on the table. “That’s a terrible idea! You’re both absolute idiots! We’re not leaving you both on some fucking planet to get taken in by the Military!” 

“I’ll make it an order if I have to,” Yuri responded with quiet force. “I don’t want it to be an order but I’ll do it if I have to.” 

“Do whatever the fuck you want.” Sara shook her head, turning away from the table. “Just do whatever you fucking want. It’s what you always do. Mickey, come on, let’s plan the next fucking warp.” 

Sara left quickly and Mickey paused a few moments before following her, pausing in the doorway to add:

“I trust you captain, but I don’t think this is a good plan. And Yuuri, there are crunches in the med bay that might be helpful.”

Emil stood slowly, the only one who hadn’t spoken yet and also the one who looked the least upset. When he spoke, though, his voice gave away how upset he was. 

“Captain. Yuuri. This isn’t a good idea. We shouldn’t break ourselves apart now. But… if you both think this is the best plan, I’ll follow it.” 

“Thank you, Emil,” Yuri said, looking honestly grateful for Emil’s easier acceptance of this plan. 

“I’ll head down to the engine room now to make sure we can even make a jump.”

“Okay… Thank you.”

“It’s… whatever.” Emil shook his head. “Mila, can I have your help?”

“Sure.” She stood, looking at Yuri for a long time. “Captain… you can be a real dumbass sometimes and when we pick you back up, I’m going to beat your ass to a pulp.” 

“Sounds like a plan,” Yuri smiled at her and she attempted a smile back, mostly failing even though there was still a hint of humor in it. “Now, go help Emil. And make sure nobody works themselves to death while I’m gone.” 

“Will do.”

“And make sure Sara knows she’s the captain while I’m gone.”

“I’m sure she knows.” Mila shook her head. “She never wanted to be captain.”

“And she never wanted any of this, but I’m going to fix it all. I’ll fix all my mistakes.”

Mila sighed, starting towards the door. “One day you’ll realize you don’t have to fix everything but until then, Captain, I’ll follow you even if I think you’re an idiot.” 

“I know and… and it means a lot to me.”

“Good luck, Captain. Good luck, Yuuri. Can’t wait to see you on the other side of this plan.”

“Me too,” Yuri responded quietly as Mila left before turning to look at Yuuri. “Time to go.” 

\---

“So, who are we waiting for?” Yuuri asked while they sat on a bench in an empty park. 

“Not sure who they’ll send. Probably the old guy you saw on the screen. Maybe the ship’s captain.” Yuri looked a little worried. “I hope they don’t send down the mechanic.” 

“Why not?”

“I can’t– I don’t want to see him right now.” 

“Why won’t you use any of their names?” Yuuri ask.

“Huh?” Yuri blinked at Yuuri. “What do you mean?”

“You haven’t used a single name to answer my question.” 

“Oh, umm, I guess I didn’t realize.” Yuri’s shoulders started to hunch. “What did you ask?”

“Who are we waiting for? Why don’t you want to see the mechanic? Who are these people?”

“Oh, well, the captain of The Pavlova is a woman named Lilia Baranovskaya. The pilot is named Yakov Feltsman. They have a new navigator and I don’t know anything about him.” Yuri looked up at the sound of footsteps. “Speak of the devil.” 

Approaching them were three people, two of which Yuuri remembered from the first video they saw—they all agreed it must have been a prerecorded video meant to trick them into wrecking their engines—and the other one who Yuuri hadn’t seen before. They were all old, with the unfamiliar man the only one who looked younger than 65. 

The one leading the group was the woman who had to be Captain Baranovskaya. In person, her face was even sharper and much more intimidating. Yuuri wasn’t sure why she hadn’t been the one to call them since he thought she would have been more intimidating than the pilot.

That said, the pilot wasn’t much less scary in Yuuri’s opinion. Serious and looking like he could slit your neck without thinking about it, Yuuri wondered if these were actually an elite explorer crew. They looked more like assassins.

The last one, the unfamiliar one, was the least terrifying of any of them but that had more to do with the sad look on his face. His hair was nearly all gray, with some streaks of dark brown showing through. He had large shoulders and a strong stance despite what looked to be a slight hunching of his back and shoulders. Even though he was clearly the youngest of the three, there was something about the sad tiredness in his eyes that spoke of someone much older, if not in years then in circumstance. 

“Yura!” The pilot, Yakov, shouted. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

Yuri remained silent, infuriating the man even further.

“You forge my signature, leave in the middle of the night, and steal a USEA vessel and you have nothing to say.”

“I've already explained my reasons.” Yuri stood with his head held high and his back straight. His hands were folded behind his back in what seemed to be a standard military stance. From behind him, though, Yuuri could see Yuri was simply trying to hide shaking hands.

“Like hell you have! That half-assed letter you left barely said anything. When we first found it we thought you were suicidal!”

“I can tell you I'm not that,” Yuri snorted. “Quite the opposite.”

“Really? Because stealing a military ship seems pretty suicidal.”

“I like to think of it as stupid,” Yuri smirked and Yakov sighed.

“It is definitely that.” Yakov shook his head. “Do you have anything to say? I mean, do you really think you can keep running forever.”

“We were doing a pretty good job until now. I simply miscalculated the speed with which the USEA was able to organize.”

“Going back to their homes was stupid.”

“I'd already made a promise before we left. If I told them we weren't going, the crew would have known something was wrong.”

“That's what would have tipped them off?”

“I told them it was all training maneuvers. That you weren't really after them. I lied to them and they were just following orders.”

“That's noble of you,” Captain Baranovskaya cut in. “But we're not stupid. We know they know. Otherwise, why would that police officer have been shot on Malen? You're just lucky he's alive otherwise you'd be in even more trouble.”

“He's alive?” Yuri face reacted for the first time, looked amazed and relieved. “Really?”

“Yes. But his recovery is going to be hard and life won’t be easy for him. He barely survived that gunshot wound. He was shot with the intention of killing him, that was obvious.” Lilia looked past Yuri at Yuuri. “You must be the one he talked about. The civilian that was siding with The Nijinsky.”

“It's The Potya and he has nothing to do with us. I'm just taking him west.”

“Really? You were on the run and you just picked up a hitchhiker.” Now that she said it, Yuuri had to agree that was pretty stupid. “You expect me to believe that?”

“Mila found him and brought him back to the ship. He was soaked, looked like a stray cat. The others were cooing over him before I even met the guy. I wasn't going to say no.”

“And he's down here why?”

“To plead his case.” Yuri shrugged. “Try and get a ride with someone who isn't a fugitive.”

Before anyone could answer, the third man spoke up. 

“Georgi just reported in. You were right, Yakov.”

“Tell your ship not to move.” Lilia crossed her arms. “Our navigator has guns trained on it and if it tries to jump, we'll shoot it down.”

“You wouldn't,” Yuri challenged.

“Try me,” she responded, narrowing her eyes.

They stared each other down for what seemed like hours—even if Yuuri knew it was really only a minute or so then Lilia raised a hand.

“Tell Georgi to shoot at will.”

A shudder ran through Yuri and, finally, he shouted through gritted teeth, “Wait!”

Lilia didn't put her hand down but she didn't make the call either, waiting for Yuri to continue. 

“Yuuri,” he mumbled, “call Sara.”

Yuuri nodded, pulling out the communicator he'd been put in charge of.

“Sara, come in.”

“Yuuri? What's wrong? We're about to make our jump.”

“Call it off. They have guns on you. If you jump, they'll shoot you down.”

“Damn.”

“Tell her it's over,” Yuri said, his shoulders dropping as he realized he done. No plans. No tricks. Nothing. “Tell her I'm sorry.”

“Yuri–”

“And tell her to let Mila know that police officer is alive.”

“Yuri, tell them yourself.”

“Katsuki! It's over!” He shouted. “And I'm sorry you got dragged into this. You were just looking for Viktor.”

“Katsuki?” Yuri and Yuuri looked over at the man who's name Yuuri still didn't know and who looked like he'd seen a ghost. “You’re– is your mother a woman named Hiroko?”

“Wha– how do you know my mother?” Yuuri wasn't sure why this unsettled him, but it did. “Who are you?”

“Nikolai Plisetsky.” He took a step forward and Yuuri glanced at Yuri. He was looking away like he didn't want to explain who this man was. “I knew your mother years ago before you were born. She was pregnant at the time and I'd bet it was with you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I helped her and your father and sister escape back to their home.”

“Escape? Back to–? What are you talking about?”

“There are things in this universe you don't need to know about,” Yakov interjected. 

“It's too late for that,” Yuri took a step forward, looking Yakov dead in the eyes. “When I said I couldn't stay with the military, I meant it. You can arrest me but I'll never help you people again.”

Yakov looked momentarily surprised before returning Yuri's pointed look. They held each other’s gaze for a long time then Yakov nodded. 

“How deep are you?”

“Only I know. But I know just about everything.”

“You never told your crew?” Lilia asked.

“No.”

“Good boy,” Lilia looked relieved, her voice suddenly small and almost scared. “I knew you were a good captain.”

The change in all three of them was obvious, even to Yuuri. They were suddenly so small and so afraid. And they all looked like they'd seen a ghost, not just Nikolai.

“If I go back, even in handcuffs, I won't live very long. I'm not exactly an expert hacker. I'm sure they noticed someone in their systems and I'm sure they figured out it was me.” Yuri shook his head. “I won't apologize for doing it. I wish you guys weren't involved but… I won't apologize. Not anymore.”

“We don't want you to apologize,” Nikolai took a step towards Yuri. “We just want you to come home. We just want you to be safe and happy.”

“I'm sorry,” Yuri said, already breaking the rule he just set. “I can't come home and be safe. You know that. Until we have some way to prove–” Yuri shook his head, trying to forget the honestly childish wish to save everyone. It was childish to want things to work out how they should. He needed to come to terms with that. “We'll keep running. We have to. Unless you stop us.”

“Yuri,” Yuuri put a hand on Yuri’s shoulder. “This isn't just your burden to bear.”

“Yes, it is.” Yuri shrugged Yuuri’s hand of his shoulder and looked up at three of the people who had meant the world to him. Who still meant so much to him. “I'll understand if you take me in but, please, let my crew go or convince the military they didn't know. Please. I need them to be safe. And Yuuri needs to go west. He doesn't have anything to do with us.”

Yuuri reached out again, this time stopping before he put a hand on Yuri’s shoulder.

“Yuri–”

“Shut up and let me help you,” he snapped.”It's the least I can do.”

“No, it's not. You've already done so much.”

“Let me do this,” he pleaded, looking up at Yuuri with too young eyes that Yuuri was more afraid of than his sharp looks. They were the eyes of someone drowning in responsibility that they shouldn't be trying to bear on their own. They were the eyes of someone who needed help and maybe even wanted it but would never ask for or accept it.

“You truly are your father's son,” Nikolai said, his voice a breath of wind. 

“And we're not going to take you in,” Lilia said, the others nodding in agreement. 

“What? Why not?”

“Because I remember what it was like to have it all torn down,” Lilia shook her head. “Call Sara, tell her you're coming back up.”

“What about you?”

“We’ll make something up.” Lilia smiled slightly. “They're all dunces anyway. They'll be easy to trick.”

“Thank you.” Yuri's voice was quiet. “I don't deserve this.”

“Yes, you do.” Nikolai closed the distance between him and Yuri, pulling the young captain into a hug. “You deserve so much more than this.”

Yuri’s arms tightened around Nikolai and he pressed his face into the old man's jacket, willing himself not to cry. 

“Tell Mama I love her.”

“She knows.”

“But… please, still tell her.” Yuri swallowed, his throat dry. “And tell her I miss her.”

“Why not go visit her?” Nikolai asked, letting go of Yuri who scratched at his eyes like they were itchy. Everyone let the lie slide. “We're not after you anymore.”

“I–” Yuri glanced at Yuuri. “I made a promise. Once I get Yuuri to the western edge, I'll think about it.”

“The western edge?” All three looked nervous, Yakov's voice sounding strained. “Why?”

“To find my husband,” Yuuri offered. “To find Viktor.”

“And someone needs to explore The Edge anyway,” Yuri smirked. “That's what our plans were going to be if I were actually a captain.”

“Yuri, you are a captain.” Yakov stepped forward and pulled a hat from his pocket. He smoothed it out before placing it on Yuri’s head, the three moons marking him as a relatively important person. 

“I don't deserve this hat.” Yuri reached to grab the hat but Yakov stopped him. 

“You do. And I know why you don't want it but you're not a military captain. You're just a starship captain, nothing more. When we each pinned a moon to your hat, we weren't doing it just for the ceremony. We all believed you deserved them.”

“You wear that hat not because you’re in the military or even The USEA,” Lilia stepped in front of Yuri, looking at him with sharp eyes that somehow seemed on the edge of softening. “You’re wearing it because no matter who you are, you’re a captain.”

Yuri paused, nearly biting his lip before his back straightened and he snapped into a salute. Lilia looked at him for a moment, rolled her eyes, and then stepped to pull him into a hug. 

“You’re a silly boy but you’re a great captain.” She let go of him then snapped him a salute. “Tell the others we know they’ve made the right choice.” 

“Thank you.” Yuri returned the salute as if Lilia’s salute hadn’t already been a response. “And I’ll tell them.”

Yuri grabbed the communicator from Yuuri to call in, leaving Yuuri to look at the three strangers. Now that Yuri had stepped away, they all turned their attention back to Yuuri. 

“The Edge?” Yakov asked. 

“My husband is there.”  _ I think _ . “I want to find him. 

“The Edge is a dangerous place.” Lilia shook her head. “It takes something from you.” 

“I need to find him,” Yuuri amended, trying to explain to them that he wasn’t going to back down. 

“Then we won’t try to stop you,” Nikolai looked at the others. “You seem so much like your mother. She was headstrong but she knew when to back down from a fight. I believe you can do the same.”

“How do you know my mother?” Yuuri asked, shaking his head. He almost wanted to forget the strangeness that was Nikolai Plisetsky. 

“Before Yuri’s father was born, I helped with some government trials. Your mother participated in them, with your father and sister along to live with her. She was willing, they all were, but volunteers soon became prisoners. They weren’t told they couldn’t leave but they knew they couldn’t. She found out she was pregnant and she was afraid. Afraid of what they’d do with the baby. Afraid they’d take the baby away. They’d done these trials with adults and, little did we know at the time, children but it hadn’t worked well enough. The children were still early in development but your mother was smart. She knew they’d never pass up a chance to analyze a baby conceived during the trials.” Nikolai shook his head, looking stricken. “She asked for help. She wanted to get out of there. I was set to be transferred to a posting on an explorer vessel so I told her I’d get her help. I was able to get her out of there safely along with your family then we lost contact because I was afraid of you being tracked down. We went back to see if anyone else needed help but those trials had ended and everyone had been let go.”

“But there were other things there,” Yakov cut in. “There were other  _ people _ there. Children.”

A few paces away, Yuri stopped mid-sentence. “Sorry Sara, I’ll get back to you in a second… Yeah, everything’s fine. Just need to ask something.” He stepped back into the conversation. “Were they the children taken from rebel planets?”

“Yes,” Lilia answered quietly.

“Your grandmother was a gifted hacker,” Nikolai explained. “She got in and out of their systems unnoticed. We made plans and we went in to try and save some children. A black op that we planned outside the USEA.”

“We could only save two.” Yakov’s eyes were dull. “And they were so broken. The brown-haired boy just wouldn’t stop crying. He just kept crying and crying the entire time and asking to go home. He didn’t even seem to know where home was but he just kept asking for it. And the other one–” Yakov shuttered. “He would just stare blankly. No emotion. No tears. Nothing. We meant nothing to him. There was nothing that meant anything to him. And when he slept he had these terrible nightmares. They both did.”

Yakov looked suddenly twice as old and three times as tired. His squeezed his eyes shut, seeming to remember too much at once. Lilia reached out and put a hand on his shoulder and he was able to smile weakly at her, the look between them one of people who knew each other well. Maybe too well. 

“We don’t even know if they survived,” Lilia finished. “We don’t know their names or where they lived. We just passed them off to people we trusted then went back to our work.”

“You’re stronger than us,” Nikolai shook his head. “We just kept living that lie. You, all of you, are stronger than we ever were.” 

“So I won’t say don’t go to The Edge.” Yakov looked from Yuuri to Yuri very slowly. “But please… be careful. The military is dangerous but… there are things past The Edge that are worse.”

Something started beeping in Lilia’s pocket and she pulled out a communicator, looking at it for only a second before looking up at Yuri. 

“You both need to get out of here now. Run. We’ll chase but you don’t have to worry about us. We’ll put them off your trail. We’ll pretend to be after you. We’ll give you every chance we can. But be careful, I don’t know how long we can trick them. Now get out of here.” She flicked open the communicator. “Captain Baranovskaya speaking.”

Yuuri and Yuri both nodded to the group before running towards their shuttle; Yuri with a lot of unshed tears and Yuuri with a lot to think about. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate that last scene. I planned it out really well but then when I went to write it, everything I'd planned left my mind completely. Also, sorry if you thought the Pavlova was going to be chasing them the entire time... I can tell you there are bigger things that The Potya will have to deal with though :P
> 
> \---
> 
> Thuss ends the first part of this fic, call Darkness. The next part spans about 10 chapters and is called Questions. Between Parts 2 and 3 I'll probably take a short break but for this one I'm not going to since I have almost the entire part written (2 partially written, 2 unstarted, and 6 written).


	8. It's in the Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keeping it all together is harder than it seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit late since I had to work today (>__<) and it's also probably not as well edited.

The shuttle ride back up to The Potya was quiet. Yuuri could tell that Yuri was trying and failing to keep from crying so he kept his eyes on the controls. Yuri’s silent tears were enough for Yuuri to know he shouldn’t try to help. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Yuuri could see Yuri was grabbing tightly to the captain’s hat, his fist pressed against his chest. He head was down and his shoulders were pulled up almost to his ears. Every now and then, Yuri’s silence would accidentally break as he took a shuddering breath but Yuuri still didn’t comment. 

They were almost back to the ship when Yuri uncurled even though he remained silent. 

“So, that was your grandpa?”

“Yeah.” 

“I never told you but when you first introduced yourself, I thought your name sounded familiar but I wasn’t sure why. I think my mom might have mentioned him before and that’s why. I just… she never mentioned anything about being part of government trials or anything.”

“It’s like, I know how long this has all been going on but still, hearing that it was in full swing before you were even born is something else.” Yuri shook his head. “How can anyone be expected to stop it?”

“You won’t stop it alone,” Yuuri pointed out. “I know they seemed to agree with your choice not to tell the crew about why you ran but I think they should know. I think they’d want to know.”

“I don’t know… it’s dangerous.”

“They’re already in danger. At least by telling them, they’ll know why they’re in danger.” Yuuri glanced at Yuri but he had looked away, trying to hide his glassy eyes and blotchy face even though he knew Yuuri knew he’d been crying. “They’re strong and you know it. Let them stand by you in this.” 

“I guess… I guess you’re right. And, anyway, I’d need to explain why they let us go and that would be hard to do without telling them what I know.”

“You know you don’t have to tell them anything for them to follow you.”

“True.” Yuri shook his head as Yuuri coupled with the ship. “I just don’t know why.”

“Because you’re a good captain and a good person.”

“You barely know me.”

“And maybe I make bad choices in who I trust but I trust you.” Yuuri laughed to himself. “You’re not that different from Viktor, you know?”

“I don’t know and I’m not sure that’s really a compliment.” 

“Don’t worry, you’re very different from him in a lot of ways. But sometimes… sometimes it’s like you’re the brother he doesn't have. You know?”

“I really don’t.” 

Yuuri laughed again as he turned off the shuttle. 

“Sorry, I’m just rambling now. I don’t even know what I’m saying sometimes.” 

But Yuuri did know what he meant, just didn’t know how to say it. 

That want to protect himself from showing vulnerability. The terrifyingly strong perseverance. The propensity towards working himself to exhaustion. 

The way Yuri seemed to trust Yuuri with so many secrets of his, so many feelings, only to turn around and have twenty more secrets Yuuri knew nothing about. 

“We can go now.” Yuuri looked away from Yuri. “But if you need a minute, that’s fine.”

“No, it’s okay.” Yuri stood, putting his captain’s hat on. “Let’s go give everyone the good news. And then, I guess, the bad news.” 

Yuuri walked behind Yuri towards the exit, smiling to himself because he thought that it was nice to know Yuri had so many people who were proud of him. He deserved that. 

\---

“Yuri!” Mila shouted as the door opened, running and pulling Yuri into a hug, tears running down her cheeks. “I can’t believe you’re okay.” 

“Mila, is that any way to address your captain?” Yuri asked, his eyes getting watery again as he smiled. 

“Oh shut up,” Mila responded, her entire body shaking. “Just shut up for once.” 

“You know I can’t,” Yuri muttered, hugging Mila back as she started to cry harder. After a few moments of quiet, Yuri spoke again. “Why do you guys stay?”

“Because you’re our captain.”

“So what? I’ve led you into nothing but trouble.”

“And? You’ve always gotten us out of that trouble.” Mila let go of Yuri, grabbing his shoulders and pushing him away so they were at arm's length of each other. “I trust you with my life whether you like that or not.”

“I know.” Yuri paused. “That’s why I want to tell you all why I wanted to leave.”

“Really?”

“It’ll be more dangerous for you if you know but… I think you deserve to know.” Yuri glanced back at Yuuri. “And I guess we’re already in plenty of danger without you knowing.”

Mila laughed, putting an arm around Yuri’s shoulder before leaning back to grab Yuuri around the shoulders too, unbalancing him but also keeping him on his feet. Or, really, on his crutches.

“You can say that again. First, let’s get you both something to eat. I bet you’re hungry after all that.” She smiled at them both. “Thanks for keeping each other safe.”

“It’s my job,” Yuri said.

“And it was the least I could do,” Yuuri added. “Anyway, how else would I get to The Edge without you?”

Mila laughed and after a moment so did Yuuri and Yuri, feeling lighter even if they all felt the weight still pressing on them. 

“You’re both insane idiots, you know that right?”

“So are you,” Yuri shot back. “I mean what kind of insane idiot would still be on this ship?”

“I guess you’re right.” Mila’s smile faded from one of laughter into one that was content with their situation. “And Yuri.”

“Yeah?”

“Nice hat.”

Yuri blushed a little, his free hand unconsciously reaching to touch the hat as he considered what life could have been like if they were a normal crew. He also wondered if that would have been nearly as fulfilling as this had been so far. 

He thought it might be safer and might have been a better idea but that this wasn’t such a bad life either. 

\---

Mosloa was one of those inner region planets that felt to Sara like it should be an outer region planet. It was a hot, dusty planet with not much to offer and it was a miracle that it was ever colonized. Sara suspected this planet was from a time when people cared less about where they colonized and instead were just trying hard to colonize planets as fast as they could. That was back when Earth was still the main point of power in the universe and also before power coalesced into a large, universal power structure instead. 

IRG-19 itself was one of the most populated galaxies in the universe. Because it was part of a galaxy cluster it meant it had been found early. Its closeness to The Milky Way had also helped to get it off the ground as one of the hottest colonies in the universe.

Walking around Mosloa’s biggest port city really made Sara agree that it was the hottest colony in the universe, just not for the same reasons. 

She was on her way back from doing a little window shopping at the port’s market—she’d only bought an old little statue that she didn’t quite understand—and was ready to get back on the ship and out of this heat. She was used to the heat since she grew up on Malen, but this was something else entirely. That heat had been bearable and even comfortable but this heat was dry and just unpleasant. It was like the entire planet was a desert and Sara didn’t want anything to do with that. She didn’t really sunburn but she was starting to think today might be an exception because of the way the sun seemed to be drilling holes into her skin. 

That’s why a pale, black-haired young man caught her eye. He looked around Sara’s age and he seemed unhappy as he talked to a trader about something. 

“I already told you— no money, no ride.” The man crossed his arms. “That’s how this works.”

“You told me you’d take me to IRG-72.”

“Plans changed when you ran out of money.”

“You lied to me.”

“Get over it.” 

The trader turned and headed back to his ship, the other man balling his hands into fists as he shook a little. He seemed to want to shout something after the man but then decided against it, turning and walking away.

“Hey!” Sara shouted before she could think better of it, running up to the young man. “Hey!”

“What do you want?” He asked, glaring at Sara. 

Despite the glare, Sara smiled. Honestly, he wasn’t much scarier than Mickey so she wasn’t too concerned. 

“I heard what happened.”

“And?”

“Well, I think I can offer you a ride.”

“You?” He raised an eyebrow at her. 

“Yah. I’ve got a fast ship. I’ll have to ask the Captain, but I’m sure he’ll say yes.” 

“I have no money.”

“I know.”

“Then what exactly do you want from me?”

“Want?” Sara tilted her head to the side. “I don’t want anything from you. I just want to help you.” 

“I doubt that. Nobody just wants to help.”

“Well, I do. We already have one passenger and he doesn’t pay us anything. He does cook for us, but that was more because he wanted to help.” Sara thought for a little. “At least come meet some of us before you decide. We don’t even have to go onto the ship yet. I know Yuuri felt really cornered when we did that last time.”

“Yuuri?”

“The other passenger.”

“Oh.” The man looked at Sara for a long time before looking at the ground, his expression cloudy. “Fine. I’ll meet your captain.”

“Great! I’m sure he’ll love you!” Sara flipped open her communicator. “Captain! Where are you? I have someone for you to meet.” 

“Sara, what the hell?” Yuri asked. “What do you mean you have someone for me to meet.”

“A new passenger. He’s got no money and is trying to go–” She looked up at the man. “Where are you going?”

He shrugged, “Just want to get to the outer region.”

“He’s going in our direction anyway!” Sara relayed to Yuri. “Come on, let’s meet by the ship or something?” 

Yuri sighed, long and tired. “Fine. But no promises.”

“Yay!” Sara spun around to smile at the stranger. “Good news, the captain will meet with you!”

“Okay.” He looked less than pleased with this situation. “Okay. Where are we going?”

“Follow me… umm… sorry, we never introduced ourselves.” Sara blushed a little. “My name is Sara.”

“Seung-gil.” 

“Huh.”

“My name.”

“Oh.” Sara laughed nervously. “Sorry, yeah, obviously.” She turned away quickly. “Well, follow me!” 

\---

“Yuri Plisetsky,” Yuri said, holding out a hand that Seung-gil slowly took. “Captain of The Potya." 

“Seung-gil Lee.” He looked down for a moment before looking back up at Yuri. “Traveler.” 

“Where are you going?”

“The outer region.” Seung-gil reached down to fiddle with a friendship bracelet on his right wrist that Sara had only just noticed. It was old and a bit frayed, the colors dulled by dirt and age. “Doesn’t matter where.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Seung-gil’s frown deepened, which wasn’t something Yuri had thought was possible. “Just trying to find somewhere to stay.”

Yuri looked at Seung-gil for a long time before Seung-gil looked up and met his eyes. Their eye contact lasted nearly a minute and a half before Yuri nodded. 

“We’re an explorer ship. We’re safe.”

Seung-gil took a beat to look at Yuri then he nodded. “Good to hear.” 

Meanwhile, Sara was standing by watching the interaction with confusion. She had no clue what had just happened between the two young men but apparently, Seung-gil was going to spend some time on their ship and Sara was glad. It would be nice to have someone on board to distract her from what had happened on Malen. And what had nearly happened to Yuri and Yuuri.

And from all the things Yuri had told them about The Military and why he left. 

If even a quarter of what he said was true then she was more than a little afraid of what The Military would do to get them back. How long before The Pavlova was taking too much time and they sent someone else after them? 

But those were concerns for another day. Today was the day that they got a new passenger and Sara couldn’t wait to get to know him just like she got to know Yuuri. 

It was going to be amazing. 

\---

“So, where are you from?” Sara asked Seung-gil at dinner. “I can't imagine it was that planet.”

“I'm not.”

“Not?” Sara blinked, not sure what to make of that answer.

“From that planet.”

“Oh,” Sara looked around for help with this conversation but nobody seemed interested. Mila looked like she might be having fun watching Sara struggle. “So where are you from?”

“The inner region.”

“Oh!” Mila nearly burst out laughing at Sara's response, earning her a glare from the other woman. “I'm from the inner region too. Where in the inner region?”

“IRG-134.”

“What planet?”

"Does it matter?”

“Umm, I guess not.” Sara floundered for a moment. “What's it like?”

“Cold.” Yuuri could tell Seung-gil was starting to get annoyed. 

“Really? The Captain is from a cold planet too.”

“Also warm,” Seung-gil added, cutting off Sara's attempt at getting closer to him.

“Also… warm?”

“In the summer.” Yuuri thought Seung-gil might be purposefully messing with Sara but he couldn't tell. It didn't seem in character for the quiet man but Yuuri just barely met him. “And cold in the winter.”

“Oh.” Sara smiled awkwardly. “Well, that sounds nice.”

“It was fine.”

Sara opened her mouth to speak but no sound came out as she ran out of things to ask. She hadn't expected such resistance and especially hadn't expected such quiet aggression. 

“Who wants dessert?” Yuuri asked, standing to head back to the kitchen. “I was able to make a cake. Mickey told me we missed Emil's birthday while we were– umm…” Yuuri stopped himself from saying 'while we were on the run’ at the last moment. “Well, we missed it so I thought we could celebrate today. I didn’t expect to have another guest but I think we have enough for everyone.”

Yuuri brought a small cake to the table and set it in front of Emil. 

“Sorry, we don't have any candles.”

The outside of the cake was white with 'happy birthday Emil’ written in chocolate on top.

“You made this?” Emil looked surprised. “This looks like you bought it from a cake shop.”

“It's really not that good,” Yuuri waved him away. “Viktor is the baker. I nearly burned this cake when I make it.”

There was something nice about being able to talk about Viktor. There was also something about it that made Yuuri feel like he was talking about someone who was dead. That didn't feel nice.

“It's still amazing.” Emil turned to smile at Mickey. “And thanks for remembering.”

Mickey blushed but Emil didn't see it, already looking back at the cake. Yuuri, though, saw it plainly and considered once again whether he should just push them together. It really wasn't his place but he was starting to think they wouldn't talk about how they felt without a push from someone. 

“What kind of friend would I be if I didn't remember your birthday?” Mickey muttered.

“Thanks all the same.”

The edge they'd all been on for the past few weeks was finally starting to melt away and they were all glad for it. There were still little things bugging them but, overall they felt pretty good.

Sara was worried that maybe they weren't safe from the military even with the Pavlova off their tails. Mickey couldn't stop thinking about the way Emil made his stomach jump and about how scared he was of that feeling.

Mila was thinking a lot about the police officer she nearly killed because while she felt better knowing he was alive, she still felt the weight of his injuries on her shoulders.

Emil was worried about how long his hope and optimism could stay in place before it bit him in the ass.

Yuuri's mind still drifted back to Viktor too often, making him want to curl up and cry himself to sleep. Yuri still thought about the people who let them go and how despite what they'd said, he was pretty sure he'd let them all down.

They all still felt the weight of their separate concerns but, despite that, they all felt pretty good.

\---

“Want to join them?” Sara asked Seung-gil, making him jump. She hadn't meant to scare him, thinking he heard her walk up next to him, but he face he made was just cute enough that she didn't feel that bad.

Mila and Yuri were sparring in the cargo bay and Sara had come down to join them when she found Seung-gil sitting on the small catwalk near the stairs, watching them intently. 

“No.”

“I just thought, since you were watching–”

“Just interested in how they fight.” 

“Really? Have you had any training?”

Seung-gil stayed silent for a long time before finally speaking.

“A little.”

“Then you should spar with them!”

“I don't think so.” Seung-gil shook his head. “That's a bad idea.”

“Why?”

“It just is.”

Silence dragged between them for a while before Sara took a seat next to Seung-gil.

“So, where are you going?”

“Huh?”

“Like, why are you going to the outer region?”

“Looking for a job.” He answered quickly—in Sara's opinion, too quickly—the words nearly overlapping each other. 

“You're going all the way to the outer region to look for a job?”

“And looking for a planet to live on.”

“What's wrong with the planet you're from.”

Seung-gil didn't answer and because she could have restraint if she tried, Sara didn't push. They were silent then, watching Yuri and Mila spar. Mila seemed to be winning and was mostly taunting Yuri now.

“Home is hard to lose and even harder to find,” Sara said, pulling her knees to her chest. “But it's possible. Everyone on this ship is looking for home in one way or another so I think you'll fit right in.”

“I'm not looking for home.” Seung-gil stood and glared at Sara, though there was very little malice in the look. Instead, Sara thought a generally annoyed glare was just Seung-gil's normal expression. “I'm just looking for a place to live.”

He left Sara sitting on the steps, feeling like she said something wrong even though she didn't understand what.

\---

Sara thought it was interesting that people seemed drawn to the viewing room. It seemed to her that no matter how long people had spent in space—no matter how long humanity had spent in space—people just wanted to stare into the void. It was like nobody could really help being awed by the vastness of space. Sure, some people were terrified of that nothingness, but even they felt a certain type of awe. They might call it dread, but Sara thought that even dread had a thread of awe in it.

Even when they were traveling through hyperspace—which was the case now—people still flocked to the viewing room, like moths to a candle. Maybe it was the same effect, something in a human's makeup that compelled it towards the bright light of hyperspace. Maybe most people in space relished the chance to stare into the fantastically bright view of hyperspace. Maybe it was just that the people Sara knew were fascinated by all things astronomical. 

Whatever their reason, she knew that this was as good a place as any to look for someone and that was why she often went to the viewing room when she was looking for someone. 

She knew she shouldn’t keep following Seung-gil, but what she knew was right and what she was going to to do anyway were two different things. 

When the door slid open, Seung-gil was standing with his back to the viewing window and his eyes closed. The look on his face was one of pure despair and loss like Sara had never seen before, especially not on a face so young. He looked conflicted and upset and angry and lost all at the same time. 

He was wearing a jacket Sara hadn’t seen yet and something about it made the back of her mind itch. It was like the feeling when she saw a question on an exam she knew she studied but she couldn’t think of the answer or any of the steps to figure it out. It was like recognizing a voice but not knowing who it was. She thought it was a lot like smelling something that seems so familiar—like it could be the perfume your mom wore every day of your childhood—but which you can’t place at all. 

Sara probably would have gotten lost in her contemplation of this feeling if Seung-gil hadn’t opened his eyes, a glare attaching itself to her face. 

“What do you want now?”

“Just stopping by the viewing room,” Sara said defensively, despite the fact that she actually had been looking to talk to—or bother, depending who you asked—Seung-gil. “I do live on this ship.”

“Whatever,” Seung-gil turned away to look out the window and Sara saw he was fiddling with his friendship bracelet again. 

“Who gave you that?” She asked, pointing to the bracelet. 

He looked at her, confused, then down at what she was pointing at. For a moment he looked as if he’d been caught doing something bad, then his hands flew to his side, the jacket sleeve sliding over the bracelet. 

“Nobody.”

“So you made it?”

“No.”

“Then where’d you get it?”

“What do you care?”

“You seem to care about it,” Sara explained. “And I’d like to know more about it.”

“Well, it’s nothing special.” 

“Okay…” Sara could tell she was getting nowhere with that. “Where’d you get that jacket.”

“Nowhere.”

“You’re really good at materializing stuff, apparently,” She laughed, earning her another glare. “Okay, I’ll stop asking about your clothes.”

“Good.” 

“So… you’re going to the outer region for work?”

“Yes.”

“What do you do?”

“Huh?”

“What do you do?” Sara repeated, tilting her head to the side even though he wasn’t looking at her anymore. “What kind of work are you looking for.”

He shrugged, his shoulders tightening as he did. “Whatever I can find.”

“Well, what did you do before you were on this ship?”

“Mostly hitchhiking.”

“I mean before that.” Sara thought Seung-gil could learn a thing or two about the artful dodging of questions from Yuuri. Though, maybe he just didn’t care enough to try to pretend he wasn’t dodging her questions. “What did you used to do?”

“Nothing.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“That’s too bad for you then, isn’t it?” He sent another glare in Sara’s direction. “Do you actually want something or are you just here to interrogate me?”

“I’m not interrogating you. I just want to know more about you.” Sara took a step towards Seung-gil, refusing to shrink away from his glare. 

“There’s nothing to know.” 

“What’s your home like?”

“It’s gone,” He answered through gritted teeth. “Happy now?”

“No, that’s really sad.” She looked near tears to Seung-gil and he couldn’t quite decide whether that annoyed him or made him like this annoying woman a little bit. “Your home is gone? Where’d it go?”

“Nowhere,” He murmured, his voice losing a lot of its edge as he turned to look back at their trek through hyperspace. 

Sara let silence stretch between them for a while, trying to decide what she wanted to do. Ask him more questions or leave him be? Try to push or just let sleeping dogs lie? 

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but your home doesn’t have to be gone forever.”

“Yes, it does.” Seung-gil shook his head. “You don’t understand.”

“I want to.” 

“We all want a lot of things that we don’t get.” Sara didn’t notice Seung-gil’s hands clenching into shaking fists. She was too focused on the fact that despite the contents of their conversation, she thought this might be the longest conversation she’d had with Seung-gil in their last few days together, including when she was showing him around the ship. 

“Fine,” Sara said, deciding to change the subject. “Do you have any family?” 

“Can you just leave me alone!” Seung-gil shouted, surprising Sara and nearly making her shout out in fear. She had meant to change the subject, not make Seung-gil even more agitated. “You don’t know me and I don’t want you to so just leave me alone for five seconds!” 

Without waiting for a response from Sara, Seung-gil stormed out, leaving Sara shocked and confused, all while still feeling that itch of familiarity in the back of her mind.

\---

Dinner was a quiet affair, everyone seeming lost in thought. They had moved around, taking different seats than they usually did. 

Before Seung-gil joined their group, Mickey and Emil sat on one side of the square table with Yuuri and Sara next to them, Sara to Yuuri's right and Mickey to Yuuri's left—though he wasn't actually to Yuuri's left, really more in front of him and to the left. Mila sat to Sara's right and across from Mickey, giving her one entire side of the table to herself. Yuri, of course, took up the last empty side, unless Mila decided she wanted to bother him.

But when Seung-gil arrived, they'd slowly shifted so that Seung-gil sat between Yuri and Yuuri. Mila now shared one side of the table with Yuri, using that closeness to bother him. Sara sat across from Seung-gil, much to the man’s chagrin. Mickey, of course, sat next to Sara and then Emil had one side of the table to himself, though he sat close to Mickey. That said, today Emil hadn’t come to dinner and when Mickey was sent down to look for him, they were informed that Emil was fast asleep.

Originally, Seung-gil had simply taken the empty seat next to Yuri but Sara had taken the seat next to Mila, giving her easy access to Seung-gil. To stop this from happening, Seung-gil waited to sit until after Sara had picked a seat, leading to their current arrangement with him across from her. He’d quickly found that being across from her wasn’t that much better than being next to her but he’d take what he could get. And what he could get now was her trying not to even catch his eye thanks to their earlier exchange.

Seung-gil felt a little bad about shouting at Sara but it didn't change the fact that he didn't want to talk to her about himself.

“Captain, did you change the temperature setting again?” Sara asked with a shiver. “It's freezing in here.”

“It is not,” Yuri rolled his eyes. “You keep it too hot.”

“I keep the ship at a normal, comfortable temperature. You're just a crazy person.”

“I wake up sweating because of how hot you keep the ship,” he countered, pursing his lips.

“I didn't know you slept at all,” Mila smirked.

“Shut up, you're not part of this.”

“Aww, don't be like that.” She leaned over to press herself into Yuri, who pushed her away from him with a grimace, making Mila cackle. “You just need someone to keep you warm at night.”

“Like you'd know about that,” Yuri rolled his eyes again, deciding against implying anything crude about Mila and Sara. He didn't want to think about that right now. Or ever. 

Of course, Mila knew that about him so he was screwed either way.

“Oh, I know all about that.” She smirked. “Why don't I tell you about the week the heat stopped working during our final year–”

“Or we could not,” Yuri glared at Mila. “And Sara, if you're so cold, put a jacket on.”

Sara’s smile faded as something started to itch in the back of her mind again. 

“Jacket…?”

“Yeah, you know. Long sleeves. Warm. Part of your uniform. We all–”

But Sara cut off Yuri's sarcasm. “No, I know.” 

Her eyes turned to look at Seung-gil, her mind working faster than her mouth. Finally, she stood as panic exploded into her system, her chair flying backward and scaring everyone, especially Yuuri who had been eating silently through the whole conversation. He'd considered agreeing with Sara because he was freezing too but had decided against it. He'd been lost in thought for the last few minutes, considering wherever he had a jacket warm enough for the current temperature.

“You're fucking military!” Sara shouted, pointing at Seung-gil, who looked genuinely terrified. Whether that was because of the loud crash of Sara's chair or because of her accusation, Yuuri couldn't say. “I knew your jacket looked familiar. It's military issue! A pilot I bet, probably with the military police.”

“Sara, calm down.” Mila stood and put a hand on Sara's shoulder but Sara just shrugged it off, turning to look at Mila.

“I won't calm down! He's military and I bet he's here to turn us in!” Sara looked like she'd been betrayed by Mila before turning to look at Seung-gil. “Where'd you get that jacket, huh?”

“I… I don't know.”

“You don’t know? You think I believe that?”

“Sara, what the hell?” Yuri stood, crossing his arms. “What the fuck are you talking about.”

“That jacket it military issue but with the patches torn off. I bet if you check closely, you’d see where they used to be.”

“And that’s the only reason you think he’s military?”

“The only–? Seriously Captain? How is that not enough for you? He’s here to track us or maybe lead us into a trap! We need to get rid of him before he fucks us over!” 

“Woah, get rid of?” Yuuri stood, taking a protective step towards Seung-gil, who looked like he was going to be sick. Yuuri understood where Sara was coming from but based on the look on Seung-gil’s face, Yuuri was pretty sure he wasn’t a spy. “Let’s all take a breath.”

“I don’t mean kill him.” Sara looked appalled. “I just meant leave him somewhere. Get him off this ship.” 

“Sara, if he were a military spy, why would he be wearing a military jacket?” Yuri asked. “That would be a pretty bad move for a spy.”

“I don’t know!” Sara shouted before losing some of her confidence. “He’s also been acting strangely! God, I can’t believe I let him on board and put you all in danger again.”

“Again?” Mila asked quietly, but nobody was paying attention to her and so they didn’t hear her. She was afraid of what that ‘again’ meant and was worried about Sara. Mila had never considered that Sara would somehow blame herself for what happened on Malen, but not that seemed like a real—and unsettling—possibility. 

“Sara maybe you should walk away.” Yuri looked at her with a placid face, trying not to look concerned because he thought that might make her angrier. That said, he was pretty concerned. This really wasn't like her. “Maybe lay down.”

“Fuck all of you!” She shouted. “What the hell do any of you know? He’s a spy and I can’t believe you don’t believe me!” 

“Sara, stand down,” Yuri commanded. “I know what I’m doing.”

“Do you? It doesn’t seem like you do!” The moment the words left her mouth, Sara slapped her hands over lips as her eyes grew wide. “I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s whatever,” Yuri shook his head. “Just take a walk. We can talk later.” He looked at Seung-gil. “Sorry about–”

“Wait,” Seung-gil interrupted, his voice quiet and almost weak. “You’re– you’re not wrong. This is a military jacket. I was in The Constellation Force but… I quit…”

“You quit?” Mila raised an eyebrow at him.

“Fine. I’m a deserter.” 

“Oh, what a great story.” Sara shook her head, most of her anger gone but her fear still in place. “Give the spy a backstory that matches with the people he’s after. Do they think we’re that stupid? Like hell–”

“Sara. Take a walk.” Yuri’s mouth was thin and Sara held his gaze for almost a minute before she huffed and stormed out of the room, leaving everyone else stunned. After a minute, Yuri sighed and sat back down. “Sorry about that.” 

“Whatever.” Seung-gil shrugged as Yuuri took his seat. 

“I’m going to go check on her.” Mickey and Mila said simultaneously before sharing an uncomfortable look. 

“Yeah, you both should.” Yuri waved a hand at them. “I shouldn’t have been so tough on her. We’re all still a bit off so of course she’d react like that.”

Mickey and Mila both nodded at Yuri before giving each other an almost wary look. They then headed after Sara without sharing a single word. 

In the dining room, the rest of the dinner went by quietly now that it was only Yuuri, Yuri, and Seung-gil, each lost in his own thoughts. 

Yuuri was thinking about his and Viktor’s early relationship when they were bad at communication and had a few bad fights. Yuri was thinking about whether his crew needed some shore leave to calm themselves down after what happened on Malen. Seung-gil was trying and failing to think about nothing, his mind instead wandering back to his home and to the reasons he was running. 

\---

The door to the control room slid open and Sara turned, surprised to see it was Yuri and not Mickey or Mila. Mickey and Mila had both come to comfort her after the argument at dinner but Sara had sent them away quickly because she didn’t have the energy for their weirdness. As a crew, everyone worked well together, but when Mickey and Mila were alone with her they started to act, well, strange. It was like they were competing for Sara’s attention and she just didn’t need that right now. 

Even though she’d sent them away, she’d expected at least one of them to show back up but neither did so she’d had some time to think. She’d been almost at the end of her internal argument so Yuri had come at a good time. 

“Captain.”

“Sara.” He took a few steps into the control room. “How’s everything looking on my ship?”

“The Potya is as good as ever.” Sara smiled for a moment but then it fell. “I’m sorry about earlier. I really didn’t mean it.”

“It’s fine. We’re all still on edge.” He shrugged. “And, who knows, maybe you’re right about Seung-gil.”

“Why do you trust him?”

“Huh?”

“Why do you trust him?” She repeated. “And why are you so good at picking the right people to trust?” 

“I don’t always pick the right people.” He didn’t really trust anyone but somehow he still had the misfortune of trusting the wrong people sometimes. 

“But you trusted Yuuri. You trusted all of us. You trusted Yakov and Lilia. You do know who to trust.”

“Yuuri was a special case.” Yuri hated to admit that, but it was true. There was just something about Yuuri that drew Yuri to him. He was easy to talk to in a weird part-brotherly, part-fatherly way. “As for Seung-gil… well, it’s hard to explain. I don’t really trust him but I trust he’s not military.”

“Why.”

“He was terrified when he first saw we were military.” Yuri put his hands in his pockets. “And when I told him we were safe, he knew what I meant. Also… well, there’s just something in the way he looks. His eyes have seen things.”

“How can you tell?”

“Because from the moment I learned what I had about the military I’ve seen that same look in the mirror.” Yuri shook his head. “When you’ve seen things or when you know things, things that are too much, you get a certain look.”

“Do I have that look?”

“A little.” Yuri shrugged, looking at his feet. “It’s hard to tell sometimes. Everyone has a look in their eyes and it tells a story. Yuuri is a blank despair. Emil is longing. Mila’s eyes are full of duty. Mickey’s are full of fear but they have been since the day I met him.”

“What about me?”

“With you, there’s a little fear but that makes sense. What happened in Malen was bad.” Yuri took a few more steps towards Sara. “But more than that, I see someone who’s lost.” 

“I guess you’re right,” Sara’s voice was small. “I’ve been lost since we ran from the USEA. I always wanted to be a pilot and for a long time I wanted to be a USEA pilot but then, suddenly, all that was gone.”

“Well, you’re still a pilot.” Yuri put a hand on Sara’s shoulder, trying to be supportive but coming off more like an awkward step-dad. Even so, it wasn't his actions that mattered to Sara, but instead his words. “And you’re a damn good one.”

“Thanks.” Sara smiled and Yuri nodded, taking his hand back before heading towards the door.

“Oh, and Sara?”

“Yah?”

“What happened on Malen isn’t your fault. It never was and you can’t blame yourself for any of it.” 

“But–”

“I’m more at fault than you and I don’t see you blaming me.” Sara didn’t respond, unsure what to say. “It’s just something to think about.” Yuri waved to Sara, leaving the room. Before the door closed he turned to look at Sara. “And, make sure you get some sleep.”

“Okay,” Sara said, though the words only reached the now closed door. 

But she wasn’t ready for bed, not yet. First, she wanted to find someone. 

\---

Sara knocked on Seung-gil’s door, hoping he’d let her in. 

“Who is it?”

“It’s Sara,” She called through the door. “I wanted to talk.”

There was a long pause then the door opened, surprising Sara. 

“About what?”

“Huh?” She blinked, having not really expected him to open the door easily. “Oh! Well, I wanted to… well, I wanted to apologize.”

“Apologize?” Seung-gil looked honestly surprised. “For what?”

“Shouting at you. Not believing you. Accusing you of being a spy.” Sara shrugged. “You know, everything.” 

“You don’t have to apologize,” He mumbled, looking down at his feet. “I never did.”

“What do you mean?”

“I shouted at you and never apologized. Why would you apologize to me?”

“That was different.” Sara laughed a little. “I was pushing you and you pushed back. I was surprised but it was what I should have expected. You didn’t do anything, though, and I attacked you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You’re all afraid,” Seung-gil said, his words a comment and not a question.

“Yeah, we are. I still shouldn’t have shouted at you.” 

Seung-gil shrugged and stepped away from the door. “I didn’t really care.”

“Oh.” Sara blinked at him, not sure how to react to Seung-gil’s current meekness. Up until now, he’d been all glares and sharp words but now he just seemed… tired. “I know you don’t like talking but… are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” His words were sharp and Sara nearly sighed, glad he was not totally out of it. “I was just surprised when you shouted earlier. I didn’t expect it from you.”

“Really?” Sara tilted her head to the side. “Why?”

“You’re kind of annoying,” He said, pursing his lips. “But you seem like a mostly decent person.” 

Sara laughed. “Thanks, I guess. What makes you think I’m a decent person?”

“I–” His voice broke and he coughed, looking annoyed with his lack of words. “You remind me of my sister.”

“Your sister?” Sara’s eyes widened. Was Seung-gil really telling her about his family? 

“Yeah. Mi-na. She was pretty much the opposite of me. Happy, nice, nosey.” He grimaced. “You’re both really annoying but I guess that’s just what outgoing people are like.”

Sara laughed again, smiling softly at Seung-gil. “Thanks. Your sister sounds amazing.”

“She was,” He responded softly. “She would have loved The Potya.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Sara didn’t comment on the way Seung-gil used the past tense, though she did understand why he hadn’t wanted to talk about family. “She sounds lovely.”

“She was…” He shook his head and cleared his throat. “So, I’m not mad or anything so, like, whatever.”

“Okay.” Sara smiled. “Thanks.”

“Whatever,” He repeated. “I’m going to sleep now. You should too.”

“Okay.” Sara’s smile widened as Seung-gil closed the door. “Sounds good.”


	9. Our Time Together is Precious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is like a watch. It's fragile and you hope it never stops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop! Thought this was going to be a day late because I was out sightseeing today but I made it! 
> 
> FYI, this chapter has my second favorite flashback (at least of those I've written so far) so like, yeah. It means a lot to me for a lot of reasons and hopefully, you guys like it too!
> 
> Oh and I'm not adding them to the characters or ships because this is their only chapter, but Minami Kenjirou and Omiki Yuuto are in this and they are together don't ask me how I ended up shipping a supporting character with a character who barely has a name but... sometimes you're writing something and you add a character to it then you start thinking too hard and suddenly things happen and you start putting this weird rare-pair-if-you-can-call-a-ship-only-you-ship-a-pairing-at-all into all your fics... I have a problem...

“This planet is too damn hot,” Yuri complained. “Why would anyone want to live here?”

IRG-13’s only habitable planet was a lot like the planet where they picked up Seung-gil. Hot, dry, and dusty.

Yuri had about had it with these hot planets that seemed created to drive him to murder.

“I think the temperature is just fine,” Sara commented with a smile. “And this place seems like a lot of fun.”

“Whatever.” Yuri waved her off. “Emil, let's go find those parts you wanted.”

“Sounds good.” Emil smiled at Yuri. “Mickey, do you want to come?”

“I thought I’d stay with Sara.”

“Mickey, go with them,” Sara smiled. “They might need the extra muscle.”

Mickey grimaced. “And what about you guys? Who’s your muscle?”

“I’m literally our ship’s muscle,” Mila countered with an eye roll. “Go have fun without Sara for once.”

“We do plenty of things without each other,” Mickey crossed his arms defensively. “And what’s wrong with me worrying about her?”

“You basically do everything together. And there’s nothing wrong with worrying but you need to branch out.”

“Fine, okay!” Mickey threw his hands up. “I get it, you don’t want me around.”

Yuuri looked over at Seung-gil, who had been completely silent since they left the ship. He’d tried to stay on the ship but Yuuri was already worried about him and forced Seung-gil to come with them. Yuuri knew how much damage hitchhiking could do to someone’s well being and more time on a ship wasn’t going to help him much.

“Seung-gil, do you want to come with us?”

Seung-gil looked between the two groups, looking like he was trying to find a way out of this but seeing none.

“Seung-gil, go with Katsuki and them,” Yuri said. “Four’s a crowd when you’re trying to buy parts without being remembered.” 

“Okay,” Seung-gil responded quietly, looking uneasy as he moved to stand near Yuuri, Mila, and Sara. 

“Well, we’ll see you in a bit, then,” Yuri said with a cocky smile. “Have fun.” 

\---

Yuuri was glad to step into an antique shop Sara pointed because even he was started to feel like this heat was too much. Growing up, summers had been hot and humid but even without the humidity, this planet was just too hot. 

The shop—named Earthen Wares for reasons that weren’t immediately obvious—was filled to the brim with what mostly looked like junk. There were glass cases near the front that looked like they had better goods in them but for the most part, it looked like someone had been hoarding whatever old junk they could get their hands on. 

“Hello!” A voice shouted, scaring all four of them as a person appeared from behind a curtain. He looked young—though Yuuri guessed he wasn’t as young as he seemed—and had blond hair with a single streak of red. “Sorry, not used to customers when it’s this hot out. Everyone else usually stays inside.”

“Yeah, we’re starting to notice that,” Mila said. “We’re, umm, not from around here.”

The young man laughed, the sound bright and loud. “Well, I knew that. Everyone knows everyone around here.” 

“Oh,” was Mila’s only comment as Sara wandered further into the shop. “So, what exactly is this place?”

“Ah!” He squawked. “Welcome to Earthen Wares, a store selling 100% guaranteed Earth antiques.” 

“Earth, huh.” Mila seemed to be thinking. “Don’t see that every day. So these things are from when?”

“Depends. Some of it is pre-colonization and some is not that old. There are people who like old stuff but there are plenty just looking for rare imports. Not that we have like much of that.” He smiled widely before starting, the sudden movement surprising everyone except Sara, who was busy looking around already. “Where are my manners? Name’s Kenjirou Minami.”

Yuuri’s mind buzzed slightly like he knew that name but couldn’t place it.

“Nice to meet you, Kenjirou.” Mila smiled. “Or do you prefer Mr. Minami?”

Minami laughed. “Kenjirou or Minami is fine.” 

“Minami, then.” Mila glanced at Yuuri and Seung-gil. “We’re travelers. Sort of tourists of the entire universe. My name’s Mila.”

“I’m Sara,” Sara said from somewhere in the shop.

“This is Seung-gil,” Mila offered when Yuuri and Seung-gil remained quiet. “And Yuuri.” 

Minami looked closely at Yuuri before he made another squawking-shout sound, leaning farther over the counter than Mila thought was possible. 

“You’re Yuuri Katsuki!”

“Umm…” Yuuri froze, not sure what was happening. “How…?”

“I competed against you on Urazaki! I was your biggest fan.”

“Minami…” Yuuri thought for a moment and suddenly it all came back to him. “Oh! Yeah, I remember you. You beat me my last season.” 

“You weren’t at your best so it wasn’t much of a win,” Minami laid himself out on the counter. “Where’d you go, anyway?”

“To college.”

“Really? I heard you were applying to be a pilot.”

“I was,” Yuuri looked away. “But I ended up deciding not to right away. Then, after college… well, I had other things to keep me grounded.”

“Other things?”

“I guess…” Yuuri looked at his feet and smiled slightly. “I guess I found a home.” 

“Makes sense,” Minami nodded. “Still, a lot of people missed you at competitions.” 

“I thought about starting again but… Well, crime and all, Gallia became home.” 

Seung-gil wandered away from Mila and Yuuri, a few shelves of old books catching his eye. He loved pre-colonization Earth books, especially ones that were supposed to be set in space.

“What are you doing all the way out here?” Minami asked.

“Looking for home again, I guess.” Yuuri shrugged. “It’s a long story. Let’s say that sometimes a person means more than a place.”

Minami nodded, his large smile still in place.

“I understand.” Minami sighed, “I can’t believe I got to meet you again, though.” He perked up and started to rummage around through some drawers before finally pulling out a pen and some paper. “Could I get an autograph? I never got one at that last competition!”

“Oh, umm, sure, I guess.” Yuuri took the pen and paper and signed it with a small note to Minami. “Why are you all the way out here?”

Minami’s smile faded into something soft, something that Yuuri recognized. 

“Sometimes a person means more than a place.” 

“Kenji, you need to stop accepting everything that’s from Earth. We can’t sell all of this.” A young man appeared from behind the curtain, carrying a book that was falling apart in his hands. “Who would buy something in this condition– oh!” He blinked at the newcomers, apparently having not heard them talking with Minami. “Customers!”

“Not just any customers, it’s Yuuri Katsuki!” 

“Huh!” The young man’s mouth fell open. “Can I get an autograph?”

“Way ahead of you.” Minami smirked, showing the other man the autograph. 

“But that’s only to you!” He whined, making Minami laugh. 

While they were lost in playful banter, Mila walked up next to Yuuri. 

“You were in competitions?”

“Oh, it was nothing much. I only did it until I was seventeen.” Yuuri rubbed the back of his neck. “No big deal.”

“Sounds like you kind of were a big deal. What were you competing in?”

Before Yuuri could respond, Sara squealed, getting the attention of Mila immediately. 

“What did you find?” 

“Look at this watch! It’s beautiful.” 

“That’s one of my favorites,” Minami said, bouncing over to where Sara was. “We weren’t able to get it working, though.”

“We’re not exactly clockmakers,” the other man said, seeming to realize he never introduced himself. “My name is Yuuto Omiki, by the way. You can call me Yuuto, everyone around here does.”

“It doesn’t work?” Sara asked sadly. “That’s too bad.”

“Maybe you could find someone who can fix it?” Minami suggested. “You are traveling around the universe, aren’t you?”

“Sure, but… well, I don’t have much money and people who can fix old electronics usually charge a fortune. I can’t imagine what they’d charge for a pre-colonization watch.” Sara sighed, “Sorry for getting excited over nothing.”

“Sorry we couldn’t help you out.” Minami turned at the sound of something being put on the counter where Seung-gil had put down five books.

“Seung-gil, you like reading?” Sara asked, smiling slightly as she bounced over to where Seung-gil was. 

While Minami rung up Seung-gil and chatted happily with Sara, Mila looked at the watch. She looked at it for a long time before looking at Sara, a look of longing in her eyes.

“You should get it,” Yuuto said. “I’m not just saying that to sell this.”

“What if she thinks it’s weird. It’s kind of expensive.”

“You’re going to regret it more if you don’t.” Yuuto said, smiling before looking back at Minami—he was laughing along with Sara as Seung-gil blushed—with a look of soft love that Yuuri recognized. He’d seen it between his parents. He’d seen it when Yuuko and Takeshi were still unsure about their feelings. He’d seen it in pictures of him and Viktor. “I almost lost my chance and sometimes I still think about how close I was to losing this. To losing him. All because I thought I had to be wrong. I thought I couldn’t believe myself.” 

“You talk like you’re seventy years old,” Mila said with a laugh. “I’m pretty sure we’re the same age.” 

“I’m 21,” He laughed. “And all I’m saying is that I almost lost my chance at this life and I might only be 21 but I love this life and I’m so glad Kenji was patient. He’s surprisingly patient and I’m lucky for that.”

At the cash register, Sara was forcing money into Seung-gil hand because he had remembered too late that he had no money to pay for these books. He was trying to resist but his eyes kept flicking back to the books until he relented and let her pay. Mila smiled at the scene, loving the generosity that was part of the Sara Mila knew so well. It was especially refreshing after her attack on Seung-gil when he was first on board. 

“I’ll buy it,” Mila looked at Yuuto seriously. “How much?”

“Yuu!” Minami shouted, “We should have them over for dinner tonight! There’s three more of them in town!” 

Yuuto laughed, “You always make too much food so that’s probably a good idea.” 

Mila noticed that Sara seemed to become suddenly nervous, her shoulders scrunching up slightly. 

“Umm… I’m not sure that’s a great idea…”

“It’ll be fun,” Mila said even though she understood Sara’s hesitancy. “Give Yuuri a break from cooking for a reason other than getting sh–” Mila cut herself off, the cut obviously awkward and her next words forced. “Hurt. Other than getting hurt.” 

Yuuto and Minami looked at each other but said nothing, allowing the near slip to pass. Mila and Yuuri thought that allowance made them more trustworthy. Sara and Seung-gil, on the other hand, thought it was suspicious. 

“Sara, don’t worry. I’ll be there and so will Emil and the Captain.” Mila walked over to put a hand on Sara’s shoulder. “It’ll be fun, I swear.”

“Okay,” She murmured, nearly leaning against Mila until she remembered how many people were watching. “If you say so.”

\---

Dinner was a loud affair. Somehow, it was louder than their usual dinners which were pretty loud in their own right. But with the addition of Minami and Yuuto—well, mostly the addition of Minami—dinner was even more lively. 

Yuuri had ended up helping Minami cook because, as Yuri pointed out, Yuuri didn’t seem to know how to not keep busy.

“Katsuki, do you ever take a break?”

“Sure I do,” Yuuri raised an eyebrow at Yuri from the kitchen. “Sometimes I get really depressed and refuse to leave bed for days unless I’m literally dragged out of bed.”

“That’s not what I meant.” 

“You asked.” Yuuri shrugged and Yuri shook his head, turning back to the others. 

Yuuto chuckled at something Seung-gil had said to him, the two of them becoming quick friends despite Seung-gil's initial hesitancy about Minami and Yuuto. They bonded over their mutual love of pre-colonization ‘sci-fi’ and the search for sequels to various books who claimed to be part of a series. 

Mila was chatting with Emil quietly, making sure Sara couldn't hear that she was asking about him helping her fix the watch that she’d bought while Sara was on the phone convincing Yuri to let them have dinner at the Minami-Omiki house. Yuuto had lowered the price despite Mila’s insistence that he not. His defense was that it should cost less since it doesn’t work. He’s also thrown in an old set of watch tools since he and Minami had recently bought new ones. He also mentioned that they didn’t use them much since they only knew how to do two basic fixes on watches. 

Sara and Mickey were leaning against a cabinet, chatting with Minami and Yuuri as the cooked. Sara felt more at ease now, feeling like these two were good people after all. She wasn’t sure why she’d been so nervous about this dinner before, she was having such a good time now. 

“It’s ready!” Minami shouted, starting to carry over what looked liked too much food, even for nine people. “I can’t believe Yuuri’s also good at cooking! What am I saying, he’s probably good at everything.” 

“I’m really not.” Yuuri was blushing as he brought over the few plates Minami hadn’t balanced haphazardly on his hands and arms. “Cooking is really my only talent.”

“What?” Minami shouted, “Do I need to list all the awards you’ve gotten? I remember a magazine article they wrote about you as a high schooler that said you slept four hours a night if you were lucky. On top of that, you had near perfect grades, helped at your family’s business, and were in clubs. All of that on top of competition!”

“Ugh, don’t remind me of high school.” Yuuri shook his head, sitting between Minami and Yuri. 

Minami and Yuuto’s table was a small square that barely fit all nine of them. Yuri and Yuuri sat on one side. Then there was Minami, Yuuto, and Seung-gil on the side closest to Yuuri. Across from the Yuri’s side was Mila and Emil, with Sara and Mickey taking the last side of the table. It was one of the few times Yuuri could remember seeing Mickey and Emil sitting so far apart, but Yuuri knew Mila and Emil were still talking about that watch. And Mickey always wanted to sit with Sara next to him. 

There was a lot of talking across the table between Sara and Minami, which made other conversations hard but mostly unnecessary because the two of them made quite the pair. 

“I thought Yakov was going to kill him,” Sara said through laughter. “I thought he was going to kill us all!” 

“Please tell me they weren’t in the engine room, too,” Minami gasped through laughter.

“They were. They couldn’t use the ship for a week because they were trying to find this one kitten.”

“Oh my god, did they find it?” Yuuto asked, laughing despite his worry for these kittens.

“They did, they did. All of them went to great homes. But the best part is we found out afterward that it was a no-kill shelter.” 

Everyone was cackling now, except Yuri, who looked annoyed.

“Yeah, laugh away. I saved those kittens!” He shouted. “I swear it wasn’t no-kill until after!”

“Whatever you want to believe, Captain,” Mila said then snorted, making everyone else laugh harder. 

“Wow, you guys seem like you’ve had some good times,” Yuuto said, wiping tears from his eyes. “I sort of envy you.” 

“It’s not all rainbows and kittens,” Sara said while everyone else tried not to laugh at her dumb half-joke. “It’s a pretty dangerous job.” 

“Really?”

“I mean, in the first month of team training, the Captain and I almost died.” Sara said, her laughter dying out but a smile still on her face. Now it was a fond smile, like she was remembering a good time instead of a time she had just described as near-death. 

“What?” Yuuri was the one to gasp out that question. “You almost died?”

“Something went wrong with a support beam in a physical trial and it collapsed. Captain was able to push me out of the way but he didn’t get fully out of the way. The end of this big beam swiped down his back. He’s lucky he’s alive, honestly.” 

Yuuri kept finding that more and more he understood how the crew of The Potya could follow Yuri without question. Yuri was apparently the most loyal, protective captain in the entire USEA so who wouldn’t want to follow that?

“It wasn’t that big of a deal,” Yuri said, waving her away. “You would have been fine and my injury wasn’t that bad.”

“Yuri, you nearly bleed out from a back injury.” Mila raised an eyebrow at him, “Do you realize how bad an injury has to be for that to happen?”

“I survived, didn’t I?” Yuri asked, seeming more uncomfortable with this conversation than the one making fun of him. “It’s really no big deal. I just did what any captain would do for his crew. It’s what we’re taught.”

Yuuri wasn’t sure that was true but he wasn’t going to make Yuri feel more uncomfortable by pointing it out. After a few moments of silence, Yuri glared at everyone.

“Really, you’re going to let that bring you all down? I’m fine! Now stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?” Mila asked with a small smile.

“Like a sad kitten.”

Mila snorted, “Well, Captain, I think you always look like an angry kitten so this isn’t that far off.”

“It’s true,” Sara laughed along with Mila. “I always thought of you as a soaked kitten.”

“I hate you all,” Yuri said even though he was obviously trying to suppress a smile. “You’re all the worst.”

Conversation resumed and the dinner flowed nicely. Seung-gil and Yuuto talked about the lack of creative sci-fi once humans really started exploring space. Mila and Sara joked with Yuri while Mickey and Emil watched, every so often stealing a glance at each other that Yuuri seemed to be the only one to notice. For his part, Yuuri was mostly talking to Minami for the rest of the dinner, both slipping into the native tongue of Urazaki without noticing. Even when they did, neither of them switched languages, both commenting quickly about it being nice to talk to someone from Urazaki after so long. Yuuri found himself more than a little sad when the night finally came to an end. They’d finished cleaning up from dessert and had all realized how late it was. 

“That you for everything,” Mila was the first one to speak as everyone stood silently in Minami and Yuuto’s entranceway. “This was really nice.”

“Thank you! We don’t get a lot of visitors to the store, let alone to our house.” Minami smiled. “And you’re all really fun to talk to.”

“You too,” Yuri said, nodding to both young men. “If we’re ever back this way, we’ll make sure to stop by.”

“Sounds great!” Minami smiled at Yuuto. “Doesn’t that sound nice?”

“It really does.”

“I hope you keep the store going,” Yuuri said. “You both seem really happy.”

“We are,” Yuuto spoke softly, threading an arm around Minami’s waist. “Thank you guys for this. It was really nice.”

“Safe travels,” Minami called as they left.

“Thank you!” Sara shouted back. “For everything!” 

Yuuri thought that maybe, for the first time since leaving Gallia, he was going to miss one of the stops on his journey towards Viktor. But, he reminded himself, this would have been better with Viktor. He would have loved the earth antiques. He would have loved chatting with Minami about how cool they, for some reason, thought Yuuri was. He’d probably talk to Yuuto about books just like Seung-gil had. 

Yuuri turned back to Minami and Yuuto.

“The reason I left Gallia was to find my husband, Viktor, who’s missing. But I think I’ll be able to find him and when I do, we’ll come back and visit.” 

Minami smiled widely, “That sounds like fun! I know you’ll find him and I can’t wait to meet him!”

“Thank you,” Yuuri said, turning to catch up with the others. He was starting to realize that it was nice to talk about Viktor again. It was nice not to pretend that he wasn’t missing a huge chunk of his heart. Maybe honestly was a better choice. “See you soon!”

\---

Yuuri was surprised, to say the least when Mila silently dragged him to her room. He was even more surprised to see Emil was already there. Then he looked at Mila’s desk and things made more sense. 

The old watch she’d bought for Sara was open and a few pieces had been taken out of it. Next to that watch—in a tray, obviously to keep the two separate—was another open watch that looked a bit newer.

“What’s going on exactly?” Yuuri asked, smirking despite himself. 

“I need your help. Emil can’t figure this out at all and I was hoping you’d be able to.” She dragged Yuuri to the table. “I was using this other watch to see what’s wrong. Even though it’s newer and not from Earth, they’re both really similar.” 

“I mean, I’ve done basic watch repair before,” Yuuri confessed. “But that stuff was really simple.”

Mila raised an eyebrow at him. “Of course you’ve done watch repairs before.”

“Of course?”

“You’re like the Captain, too good at too many things.” She shook her head. “Well, your experience should come in handy, then.”

Yuuri wasn’t so sure but sat down anyway. It was worth a shot since, he guessed, Mila and Emil had already tried and failed. 

“Just don’t blame me if I can’t put it back together.” 

“I won’t,” Mila said as the ship shuttered slightly, coming out of warp. 

They had originally planned to go straight to their next stop—IRG-10—but after Emil found more parts than expected, he’d asked they make a stop somewhere isolated so he could work on the ship. It was still barely holding together after their escape from Malen and The Pavlova.

“I should go,” Emil said after a few moments of silence. “I have repairs to do. I hope you get the watch working.”

“Thanks for trying,” Mila said as Emil left.

“Sorry I couldn’t help.” He shrugged. “Guess I’m more of a big machinery person. Yuuri, if you get this working I might have you look at my old game system.”

“Those are totally different,” Yuuri dismissed. “Viktor would be able to help you but I don’t know much about that type of electronics.”

“Well, I’ll make sure to ask him to help me when we find him,” Emil told Yuuri with a smile. “See you guys.”

“See you,” Mila called after him before turning to look at Yuuri. “Can I ask you something? About Viktor?”

“Sure,” Yuuri was still looking down at the watch, hoping that if he didn’t look at Mila then she wouldn’t be able to tell that he was afraid of what she’d ask and whether he’d be able to answer without losing it. “What’s your question?”

“How did you know you love him?”

“Huh?” Yuuri hadn’t really been expecting a question like that. 

“When you first thought that you loved him… how did you know?” Mila sat down on her bed, looking intently at Yuuri as he looked carefully at the two watches, taking his glasses off to better look at the small parts. 

“It’s hard for me to trust people, especially with love. You guys earned my trust pretty quickly but, honestly, sometimes I still feel like I can’t trust you guys. It has nothing to do with you all, it’s just me and I know that. With love, it’s even harder. I really liked Viktor from the moment I met him. He was… mysterious, but kind. Gallia is a pretty dangerous planet, a lot of organized crime, and the first time we met someone tried to mug him—I was about ten meters behind him since we both walked home using the same street—and he beat the guy up.” Yuuri laughed to himself. “I’d actually started to run over to help him when he did it, taking the guy down easily. He saw me and smiled and said he’d already called the police. He offered for me to leave now so I didn’t have to get tied up talking to police or have my name associated with the arrest of a mafia member but I said I’d stay with him. We chatted a little and when the police came we both give statements and parted ways. But we still walked that same street so we ran into each other again and he asked me out to a coffee date. I could hardly believe that this beautiful stranger was asking me on a date.

So we went on the date and it was great. We went on a few more dates and I started to get scared because I always got scared when I started dating someone. I did so many things to pretty much sabotage the relationship. I didn’t mean to, but that’s what I was doing. Most people left around that time but Viktor stayed. There were misunderstandings and fights but he stayed. And I stayed. And then, one day, after he’d fallen asleep and I was laying in bed I just sort of realized I loved him.”

Yuuri remembered that night fondly for many reasons. 

“You just knew?”

“Yeah.”

Mila was silent for a long time, looking at the floor, lost in thought. After a few minutes of Yuuri working silently on the watch, she spoke again. 

“Were you afraid?”

“Afraid?”

“Of loving him?” Yuuri turned to look at Mila but she was looking at the floor still, looking small and young. “Were you afraid of loving someone. Of people knowing you loved someone?”

“Sure, I guess I was a little afraid. Love is a big feeling. Big feelings can be scary.” Yuuri smiled. “But you figure it out.” 

“Can I…” Mila shook her head. “Never mind.”

“What’s wrong?” Yuuri asked, turning fully to look at Mila which only made her shrink more into herself. At that, Yuuri turned back to the watch with a smile and an upbeat voice. “When I was little, my friends Yuuko and Takeshi used to always tell me secrets. The worst part was probably that a lot of those secrets were about how they liked each other but I liked them too.”

“Wait, you liked them both?” Mila asked, chuckling despite her nervousness. 

“Yep. And they both used to talk about liking the other. When they finally started dating I was happy for them but at first it was hard. But, I used to remind myself that it was harder for them to open up to someone than it was for me to get over my hurt feelings.”

“No wonder you’re such a good listener,” Mila laughed. “You’ve had a lot of practice.”

“I have. So you can pretend I’m not even here and just talk if you need.”

“It’s just hard to find someone to talk to about this stuff. I can’t talk to Sara and it would feel weird to talk to Mickey about it. The Captain might be my captain but he’s still like my little brother so that would be weird. I could talk to Emil but… well we’re friends but we’re not that close.”

“I understand. I used to tell my coach about how hurt I was by my two best friends falling in love with each other because she was the only one I felt like I could talk to. Even she felt almost too close to family but she was sort of a cool aunt. Also, I usually waited until she was drunk so that was much easier.”

Mila laughed again, imagining a young Yuuri finding his drunk coach-aunt to tell about how he had the hots for his two friends who were both in love with each other. 

“The thing is… I don’t… I don’t want to date anyone. I don’t want to date Sara. Just… nobody.”

“Oh, well, that’s fine.” Yuuri blinked at the watch, not expecting that. “Viktor is actually asexual. It's a little different but I still have some–”

“Not like that,” Mila interrupted. “I guess it’s not that I don’t want to date anyone. It’s more that I don’t want to love anyone. I don’t want anyone to know I love someone. It’s terrifying.”

“Why?”

“What if it’s used against me. Have you ever worried about that?”

Yuuri remembered the night with Viktor when they kissed for the first time. He remembered the knife to his neck. He remembered how close that had been. 

“I’ve lived it. Though, I was really the one being used.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story that I don’t have time for now,” Yuuri said as he realized he might have found the problem with the watch. He thought there was a small part missing. Hopefully the part from the other watch would fit. “But it was terrifying. I never once blamed Viktor, though, because it wasn’t his fault. And we got out of it unscathed. I won’t pretend that everything is easy or that people you love won’t get hurt because you love them but… If someone is trying to use people against you, they can probably tell you love someone without you ever saying the words. Isn’t it better to have said you love someone and have them be hurt than to have them be hurt without ever saying it.”

“I’d rather not chance it.”

“And that’s fine, it’s your choice.” The watch came to life as he put the piece in place. “Ah ha! There we go!”

“You did it?”

“Yep,” Yuuri started to put the watch back together the rest of the way and once it was all screwed together he was glad to see it was all still working. “There you are, one fixed watch.”

“You’re a magician!” Mila shouted, hugging Yuuri tightly and catching him a little off guard. After a moment he smiled and hugged her back, having forgotten how nice hugs felt. “Minami was right, you can do anything.”

“You were the one who thought to compare it to another watch.” Mila let go of him and Yuuri stood to leave. “Go give her this watch. She’ll love it.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s the least I could do.” Yuuri smiled sheepishly at his feet. “And, for the record, I think things will be okay if you two start dating.”

“Thank you,” She repeated, looking at the watch with a certain sort of longing. “I’ll think about it.”

Yuuri nodded then left without another word, feeling tears prick at his eyes as he was reminded of the first few months of his and Viktor's relationship. He was reminded of them being young and maybe a little stupid. He remember them being scared and bad at relationships and it all made him want to cry. But he was okay with that because this crying felt good, felt right.

He could use a good cry right now, he thought. 

\---

_Yuuri never loved living in big cities but tonight he thought he might just love the light that always shined through his window. Normally it was a pain, making it hard to fall asleep, but tonight it allowed Yuuri to look at Viktor._

_Viktor looked so soft, peacefully asleep by Yuuri side, and Yuuri wondered how he got so lucky._

_Yuuri was shit at relationships, especially the romantic kind. He knew that. It was thanks to the fear and self doubt he was never quite able to shake from his thoughts. It had all reached a head yesterday when he’d taken it upon himself to try and break up with Viktor._

_Break up wasn’t the right word. He hadn’t explicitly said he wanted to break up, mostly because he didn’t want to. But he had said that Viktor deserved better and that he would probably be better off if the two of them took some time off._

_But then Viktor had started crying and he’d shouted at Yuuri—Yuuri had never heard him shout, let alone at Yuuri—before running off and locking himself in the bathroom. Unfortunately, that bathroom was Yuuri’s so it wasn’t like Yuuri could just leave like he wanted. No, not wanted, but like he’d thought was the best idea._

_Now, a day later, he knew his mind had been in a bad place. He knew he’d been stupid and he’d hurt Viktor by accident. Yuuri had the tendency to hurt people he cared about in an attempt to shield himself from imagined future pain._

_But, unlike everyone before him, Viktor hadn’t stormed out of Yuuri apartment. He’d sequestered himself in that very apartment, forcing Yuuri to talk to him, unless he wanted to start using the convenience store bathroom down the road full time. Which Yuuri had considered for longer than he probably should have._

_But, instead, he’d gone to sit outside the bathroom door._

_“Viktor… I’m sorry. I just… I thought this would be for the best.”_

_“Yuuri Katsuki, you’re a selfish man.” Was the quiet response Yuuri got. He could tell Viktor was sitting against the door too and Yuuri wondered if he was still crying. It didn’t sound like it but Yuuri noticed when Viktor first started crying that other than his tears, it was like he wasn’t crying at all._

_“I know,” Yuuri admitted. “I really thought–”_

_“I doubt that.”_

_Despite himself, Yuuri laughed. “I guess not.”_

_“Do you really want to break up with me?”_

_“Gods, no,” Yuuri breathed._

_“Then why? Why would you say all that?”_

_“I thought it was the best for you.”_

_“You never even asked my opinion! You never tried to find out how I felt, you just decided on your own.”_

_“I’m really sorry. I just–” Yuuri shook his head. “I always do this. This is why it would be better for you to find someone better. Someone else. I’m not… stable. This is the exact type of shit that I always do and you don’t need to deal with it.”_

_“But I want to deal with it!” Viktor shouted._

_“Huh?”_

_“I almost got you killed and you don’t blame me at all, why wouldn’t I want to deal with bullshit in your life too? The first time we met I was nearly mugged. The second time we met someone pulled a knife on me. The night of our first kiss we were both almost killed because of people after me. You dealt with that bullshit without batting an eye.”_

_“But that wasn’t your fault. That was this shitty city’s fault. This is… this is my fault. My brain’s fault, I guess, but still my fault.”_

_The door opened and Yuuri fell backward, hitting his head against the floor hard enough for it to be jarring but not enough to cause any real pain. He ended up on his back, eyes looking up at a red-eyed Viktor, his face soft and pleading._

_“It’s not, though.” He kneeled down next to Yuuri, touching his face softly. “I want to deal with all this bullshit. But next time, let’s deal with it before you decide to break up with me.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“You don’t need to apologize. Just… just let me be there for you even though I’m bad at it.” Viktor bit his lip before leaning down. He was close enough to Yuuri that when he spoke, their lips nearly touched. “Neither of us is very good at this but… I want to make it work. I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”_

_“Me too,” Yuuri admitted. “And it scares me.”_

_“Yeah, it’s kind of scary. But we can do it, right?”_

_“Right.” Yuuri closed the tiny distance to give Viktor a kiss that was short and about as chaste as he could be when kissing Viktor. When he pulled away, he reached up to brush some of Viktor’s hair behind his ear. “We can do this.”_

_And Yuuri knew they could. He knew even more so now that they were laying in Yuuri’s bed with Viktor asleep and Yuuri’s mind feeling clearer than it had in awhile._

_And suddenly, Yuuri knew that for all his fear there was still something he needed to say._

_“Viktor,” He said, shaking Viktor slightly._

_Viktor started awake, fear in his eyes. “What’s wrong?”_

_“Nothing, sorry.” Yuuri felt bad for scaring Viktor. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”_

_Viktor’s fear dissipated and he smiled at Yuuri, the spike of adrenaline that woke him up starting to drain slowly out of his blood. “It’s fine. What’s up?”_

_“I just… I just needed to tell you that… that I love you.”_

_Viktor’s mouth opened and his eyes widened. For a moment, Yuuri thought he’d made a bad choice but then Viktor threw himself on top of Yuuri with an excited shout. His smile was wide and his eyes bright, any sleep not destroyed by his early jolt of adrenaline gone now._

_“Viktor?” Yuuri asked, blushing a bit at the way Viktor was basically straddling him despite the fact that they’d literally had sex an hour ago._

_“I love you too!” He shouted, leaning down to give Yuuri a few quick kissing in succession. Between each, he spoke just a little too loudly for the late hour. “I. Love. You. Too!”_

_Yuuri laughed, pushing Viktor off of him to wrap his limbs around the other man._

_“You’re too much,” He told Viktor playfully, earning him a look of uncertainty but Yuuri’s smile didn’t falter. “And that’s one of the many reasons I love you.”_

_“Well, you’re an idiot,” Viktor shot back, smiling too. “And I guess that’s one of the reasons I love you.”_

_The giggled together for almost another hour, talking quietly while trading small kisses before they finally fell asleep, tangled together and very much in love._

\---

 

“Sara?” Mila called quietly into the control room, whose lights were a dimmed red that usually meant someone was sleeping in that room. She thought it would have been early enough for Sara to still be awake, but time in space was a tricky thing.

Right as she was going to leave, Sara spoke up.

“Mila, I wasn’t expecting you.” The light came on, still dim but no longer red, and Sara slid out from her bunk.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“I wasn’t sleeping. Trying to, but not succeeding.” Sara was smiling but even in the dim light, Mila could tell it was strained. 

“Sara, you know you can talk to me.” Mila felt like it was silly to say so. Since Malen they’d spent plenty of time talking quietly about what had happened. And yet, Mila still felt like they hadn’t really talked. 

“I know.” Sara took a few steps towards Mila, bridging the distance enough so Mila could really see how tired Sara still looked. “Are you afraid?”

“Yes,” Mila answered immediately before asking. “Of what?”

“Of the Military.”

“Oh,” Mila felt a little silly for answering without thinking. “I guess a bit.”

“Only a bit?” Sara blinked. “Wait, what were you answering?”

“Huh?”

“What are you afraid of?”

“A lot.” Mila thought about what she wanted to admit.

“Well, tell me one of them.” Sara took another step towards Mila, the distance quickly moving from a normal distance to them sharing personal space. 

“Myself.”

“Yourself?”

“That police officer–” Mila shuttered at the memory of shooting him. “I can still see the pain in his face.”

“But he’s fine.”

“He’s alive,” Mila corrected. “He’s not fine. And the fact that he survived was a miracle. It had nothing to do with me that he survived. He was lucky and, I guess, had good doctors. You heard what the Captain told us. He’s got a long recovery ahead of him.”

“But you didn’t kill him.” Sara shook her head. “Why would that make you afraid of yourself?”

“Because I meant to kill him. I nearly did. Just because he survived doesn’t change the fact that I shot to kill.” Mila looked at her feet. This wasn’t how she meant for this to go. “It was so easy to do.”

“Mila…” Sara’s arm twitched like she wanted to reach out towards Mila but she didn’t. “I don’t know what to do to help you. But I want to help.”

“I don’t think you can help me.” Mila crossed her arms. “But that’s fine. I have to figure this out.”

“Don’t forget I’m here for you. We all are.”

“I know,” Mila responded genuinely. “And I swear, when I know what I want to say, I’ll talk to someone. Right now, though, I just need to figure out what I’m even feeling.”

“Okay. Take as much time as you need.” Sara’s arm twitched again. “So, what else are you afraid of?”

“Well, the main thing I’m afraid of is… well, what I came here to do.”

“And what’s that?” Sara asked, tilting her head to the side. 

“Well, I know it’s pretty early but I didn’t think it made sense to wait.” Mila pulled a small package from her pocket. “So… here’s an early birthday gift from me. Yuuri and Emil helped me with it.”

Sara blinked at Mila before taking the package and carefully undoing the wrapping. When she opened the box inside, Sara let out a small gasp.

“Is this–?”

“Yah… I bought it and Yuuri was able to fix it.” Mila stepped closer to Sara and took the watch, helping her put it on. “I hope you like it.”

“Are you kidding? I love it!” Sara smiled at the watch then smiled at Mila, the bright honesty of the look making Mila blush despite herself. “This is the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten.”

“I doubt that.”

“It really is.” Sara smiled at the ground. “And, you know, we ran from the USEA right around your birthday so we never did celebrate it.”

“I guess not.” Mila hadn't noticed. 

“And I never got you a birthday gift.”

“That’s fine.” 

“Can I give you a late gift?”

Mila’s eyebrows knitted together, unsure why Sara was asking. 

“I guess… what–”

But Sara cut Mila off by closing the already small distance between them and pressing their lips together, her hand touching Mila softly on the cheek before it slid up and into her hair. For a moment, Mila was frozen but then melted because, for as afraid as she was, this was exactly what she wanted. 

After what seemed like an eternity but also not enough time at all, they broke apart, one of Mila’s arms around Sara’s waist and both of Sara’s hands in Mila’s hair. Even though their lips were no longer touching, they remained close and Mila sighed, smiling softly at Sara.

“Thank you.” She reached up and ran her thumb down Sara’s jawline. “That’s the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten.”

Without a word, Sara kissed her again and, for a moment, Mila wasn’t afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, this month is pretty busy for me at work and I currently only have a one chapter buffer so there's a chance I'll have to take a week off this month. I'll try not to do that but we'll see how things go :P I have 3 chapters left to write before I have a 10 chapter buffer (as of this posting) so if I can write those then I'll be good to go for a while yet. 
> 
> That said, I will be taking about a month off (I haven't decided exactly how long yet, it'll depend on a lot of factors) in May. The last chapter of the second arc of this fic will go up April 29th (tho it might go up a few days early, but don't worry, I'll tell you all that as we approach that day) and that first week of May I'll be on vacation so won't have time to post, let alone write and edit. I don't know how far along I'll be by that point (hopefully I'll have the fic almost finished by then but who knows, given my propensity towards writer's block at critical moments) and I know I'm going to at least want a month to take a break. That said, if I am done with the writing of this fic by then, I might take less than a month off. This is all pretty far off and obviously, I'll tell you more when we get closer and I actually know where I'm at. Either way, thank you for being patient with me!
> 
> Lastly, I just wanted to say thank you so much for all the support you've given me! It really helps me to keep writing!


	10. I'd Give the World For the Things I've Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Questions might scare you, but they're my only way to stay sane.

“How much?” Emil asked, holding up the very broken game system that he hoped would have enough parts to fix his less broken version.

“100 muns.”

“100–!” Emil sighed, putting the system back down. “Fine, whatever.”

“Hey, kid, I can cut you a deal if you want,” The salesperson smiled. “You get me some military grade parts and I'll give you this for free.”

“You think I have parts laying around?” Emil shook his head. “I'm in this market to find some.”

“Oh, really? Well, I have a friend who might be able to help you–”

“Jonathan, you've got to stop tricking military kids,” someone said from behind Emil. “It’s just going to get you arrested.”

A young man stepped closer to the stall, smiling at Emil. He had a camera bag slung over one of his shoulders and a backpack on the other. His shirt was a faded red and gold, but Emil guessed it had once been bright and maybe even flashy. His face was bright and happy but there was something sharp and predatory in his eyes that didn't seem directed at Emil, which he was glad for.

“Hey, mechanic, don't let him trick you. That system is empty and his friend sells shit parts.” 

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop coming around here?”

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop being so slimy, J-boy?”

“Pui, that's not my name.”

“And Pui isn't mine.” The young man turned to smile at Emil. “I'm Phichit. If you want, I can show you some better sellers.”

“Umm…” Emil wasn't sure he wanted to piss off the honestly very pissed looking shopkeeper but he was starting to feel like he'd barely dodged a really bad deal. “Sure.”

“Pui, I swear to god—”

“Swear all you want, he isn't listening.” His smile dropped for a moment before returning. “Let's go!”

“Okay,” Emil glanced at the shopkeeper whose eyes narrowed.

“Watch out for him, he's nothing but trouble.”

“Aren’t we all?” Phichit smiled wider as they moved out of Jonathan's earshot. “So, what does a military mechanic need with an SP?”

“An SP?”

“The game system you were looking at.”

Phichit weaved easily between the people in the crowd, seeming at ease in the crush of people. Emil wasn't used to it, though, and his height made it so he was constantly running into people. Malen was never crowded like this except during big holidays and even the Capital was rarely this crowded, since only people working for the government or the military—and their families—could live there.

“Oh, I didn't know what it was called.”

“Well, it's an SP. Old Earth. Really old Earth. So it's strange that you want it despite not knowing the name.”

“Well, I picked one up when I was in school and have been trying to fix it since. I thought my best bet would be to find another one, even if it's broken, and try to use that to fix mine.”

“That's a good plan.” Phichit paused at a crossroads before continuing to the right. “It's how I've kept my camera working for so long. It's no Old Earth game system, but it's older than me. It was a gift from my grandma when I started studying journalism. It was her most prized possession.”

“That's a really great gift.” Emil wished he had something like that from his parents. Instead, all he had were half-forgotten memories. 

“Too bad you can't eat a camera,” Phichit was smiling but Emil couldn't find it in himself to laugh at what he thought was suppose to be a joke. “Here we are.”

Phichit had lead Emil to a warehouse door, the sun shining too brightly for Emil to see into the dimly lit room. He felt a prick of fear but also knew that he needed to find parts for the Potya. They were on their last leg and there were just some things he couldn’t fix. They’d found a lot of parts during their last stop in IRG-13 but it still wasn’t enough. Too much had been broken during their run from The Pavlova. 

“Where’s ‘here’?” Emil asked cautiously. 

“It’s not as scary as it looks,” Phichit said, seeming to read Emil’s mind. “I promise I’m not trying to murder or mug you.”

“I wish that was reassuring,” Emil smiled slightly, trying to look as confident as he could. Unfortunately, he had too honest a face and the smile didn’t land. He was good at lying to his friends and family but when it came to strangers, he had an oddly difficult time. 

“I’ll walk in front of you, how about that?” 

Emil looked at Phichit for a few moments before sighing. He just couldn’t imagine Phichit doing him any harm, despite the sharp look behind his eyes earlier. Emil wasn’t sure he had the best judgment when it came to people, even if all the people he was close to were good people. That had really be more about dumb luck than his choices. Neighbors; Sara’s friends; Mila’s friends; Yuri’s choices. The list went on. There were very few people he could claim to have chosen because he thought they were good people. And most of them were somewhere far away right now. 

“Sure,” Emil responded even though part of him knew that wouldn’t help him much. “Show me the parts.” 

When they stepped inside, Emil was instantly glad to be out of the heat of the day. This was the third planet in a row that had been too hot and dry for his liking and it was starting to wear on him. Where once a shining sun had made him smile, now when they landed on a sunny planet he found himself praying for clouds. 

He tried widening his eyes in a vain attempt to adjust them to the dim lights of the warehouse but it didn’t seem to help much given the harsh sun he’d just been in for what he thought was too long. It took almost a minute for Emil’s eyes to adjust but once they did, he was met with a strange sight. 

The warehouse was anything but empty. Emil could see strings of lights running from one stall to another. Each stall was selling different things. Some sold cheap food, others mechanical items, and others still sold what looked like medicine. The owners of the stalls—or at least, the people who were in charge of them—seemed to Emil to be predominantly teenagers. There were some people that looked like they were in their 20s, but Emil didn’t think he saw anyone over 26 years old. 

Rising above the sea of goods was scaffolding that looked ready to collapse at any moment. On the scaffolding were structures that Emil guessed were some sort of housing. He could see a few people milling about up there but the dim lighting made it hard to tell. There were more string lights on this second floor and despite the obvious poverty of this area, Emil thought there was something about it that seemed almost fantastical. 

Even farther up were the rafters of the building and Emil swore he could see movement up there. He could definitely see at least one thing that looked like a hammock. 

“How do you like it?” Phichit asked. “This planet has a real orphan problem thanks to an epidemic of untreated flu. When I had nowhere to stay, they gave me a place here. They’re good people.” 

“Untreated flu?” Emil blinked. “But that–”

“Treatable? Yeah.” Phichit shook his head. “Nobody did anything until it was too late for a lot of people. People didn’t even have access to flu shots before because someone decided their risk wasn’t high enough.”

“But the government–”

“Leaves Universal medicine to the Military.” Phichit looked at Emil for a long time before continuing. “The Military doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to planets they don’t like. And this lovely planet nearly beat the Military during a small rebellion.”

“You know a lot,” Emil commented, feeling sick.

“I’m a reporter. I like learning about things.” Phichit shrugged. “And sometimes people just need to tell someone.” 

“I guess you’re right about that.”

“Phichit!” A young woman shouted as Phichit stopped in front of a stall. “Who’s your new friend?”

“This is…” Phichit looked at Emil for a long time before the girl laughed. 

“You are so forgetful.” She smiled at Emil. “I’m Joanna. Don’t mind Phichit too much, he might seem like a busybody but he’s a good guy.”

“I’m Emil, it’s nice to meet you.” He didn’t think Joanna could be older than 16. Her clothes didn’t fit right, the sleeves too short and the entire thing tight in what was most likely not purposeful. 

“What can I do for you today, Emil?”

“I’m looking for some parts for an explorer class ship.”

Her smile faltered for a moment, seeming only now to notice his military jacket. “Yeah?”

“He’s clean,” Phichit insisted.

“Are you sure?”

“I am, trust me.” Phichit looked at Emil, “Where are you headed?”

“The Edge.”

“Really?” Phichit smiled, “I’ve always wanted to see The Edge.”

“I didn’t know there were people who fantasized about seeing The Edge.”

“You don’t?” Phichit tilted his head to the side. “Aren’t you an explorer?”

“I’m just… I’m just a mechanic.” He shook his head, still smiling. “Sara, one of my best friends, was the one who wanted to join the USEA. Mickey and I just followed her. And all she ever wanted was to be a pilot. We never wanted–” But Emil cut himself off with another head shake, catching himself before he spilled his secrets to two complete strangers. “So, what do you have?”

\---

“Thanks for your help,” Emil said as they finished their shopping. “I never would have known about this place.”

“It’s nothing. It’s just fun to hear from someone not from this godforsaken place.” Phichit’s smile remained in place. “I love those kids but, boy, do I hate this place.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, most people do.” Phichit shrugged. “Hey, why don’t you come eat dinner with me. It’ll be nice to have someone to talk to for a little longer. I know 24 isn’t old but when you spend your time surrounded by kids it starts to feel that way. It would be nice to talk to someone new for a little.”

“Sure, that’s fine. Let me just call my ship. Don’t want them thinking I’ve gone missing.” 

“Okay, sounds good.” Phichit smiled, looking relieved. 

\---

Phichit’s place turned out to be in the upper rafters of the warehouse, where there were some areas available for small shacks to be built. Phichit’s was small and didn’t seem to have a bed.

“Do you sleep in here?”

“Of course not, I sleep in one of the hammocks. It’s barely safe to sleep in a house if you share with people. Almost nobody who lives alone sleeps in their homes.”

“Isn’t that dangerous? To sleep in a hammock, I mean.”

“Sure, but I’d rather fall to my death than the other options.”

"Oh." Was all Emil could find it in himself to respond, wondering how an Inner Region planet could get this bad. "Are you from here?"

"No, came a few years ago for... well there were a lot of reasons why I ended up here. On this planet, I mean. I only ended up here," He gestured to the area around them, "around seven months ago when I lost my job. People around here don't like me so it was impossible to find another job. But people around here don't like these kids either so we get along. I smooth talk the police and they let me stay. Also, I help fix their electronics."

"Wait, you can fix electronics!"

"How do you think I knew about your game system?"

"Can you help me fix mine?" Emil had picked up some parts that might help but he still wasn't sure exactly how to fix the SP. He hadn't even known it was called an SP before Phichit told him.

"I've never fixed an SP so your guess is as good as mine. Mostly I can fix toys and cameras."

"Too bad," Emil sighed. "I was really hoping someone would be able to help me. Old Earth stuff is hard to fix."

"Old Colony stuff is hard to fix," Phichit countered. "Old stuff is just hard to fix. We don't have enough parts to go around."

"How do you know so much about all this stuff?"

"Like I said, I'm a reporter."

"Was that your job?"

"Yep," Phichit smiled. "But please take notice of the past tense. I'm what you might call freelance now. So I'm still a reporter but it's not exactly a job. More of a lifestyle."

Emil thought Phichit was just a little too upbeat about this subject. Not that Emil could claim he didn't like to hide his negative feelings with a smile.

"I hope you like soup," Phichit said as he started pulling out less than fresh looking ingredients. "Don't worry, it's all safe."

"I'm sure it is," Emil bit his lip, though, wondering if Phichit was right. "Do you really have enough to share with me?"

"Sure! I love sharing!"

"That wasn't my question."

"Look, Emil, don't worry. You'll probably be my last guest this year so just let me make you some bad soup." Phichit sighed but his smile never faltered. "I spent most of my life with a pretty cushy lifestyle so this is just what I deserve. I didn't appreciate my life before and so I lost it. It's the way things work."

"That's an awfully negative way to look at things."

"God isn't listening until you fuck up." Phichit shrugged, the motion seeming to be his favorite thing after smiling. "I fucked up and he was listening."

"That's a little much, don't you think?" Emil didn't claim to believe in any gods but he couldn't imagine what it was like to believe in a god and also think that god was ready to fuck you over. "I'm sure he's trying to help you."

"Oh, he did. Or he will. But right now I'm being punished."

"Nobody deserves punishment. Well, some people do, but unless you killed someone, I doubt you do." Emil paused. "Did you kill someone?"

Phichit laughed at that. "No, I didn't kill anyone. Just made a lot of bad choices." Phichit handed Emil a bowl and a spoon. "Here, try it. I don't have any salt so it's probably pretty bland. Nothing like the food on your ship, I bet."

"Before Yuuri showed up it was pretty bad," Emil laughed, eating a spoonful of the soup and doing his best not to cringe at the taste. "Mickey used to cook for us and that was pretty bad. He's a great baker but cooking meals just isn't his thing. It turns out the Captain can cook and he never told us, though."

"That seems like an asshole move."

"Eh, I think he had his reasons." Emil shrugged laughingly, his face softening as he thought about his friends. "And I think maybe cooking brings up memories he'd rather forget. He's given up a lot for us and I just wish I could make him understand how much that means to all of us."

Emil and Phichit ate in silence for a little before Phichit spoke up, his voice quiet and barely audible over the constant din of the warehouse.

"You're all family, aren't you?"

"Pretty much. I grew up with Sara and Mickey. Yuri and Mila came later but they're part of the crew so they're part of our family. Even Yuuri and Seung-gil—they're passengers—are like family, even if Seung-gil seems to hate that a little." Suddenly, Emil perked up. "Phichit!"

"Yes?" Phichit responded, jumping a little at the loudness of Emil's voice.

"Come with us!"

"What?"

"We have another open room. You can see The Edge or find a new job or find a good story!" Emil smiled widely. "I know everyone would love you!"

"I mean, wouldn't I be imposing?"

"Of course not! As long as the Captain okayed it, you could travel with us!"

"I don't know..."

"You don't have to," Emil continued to smile. "It was just a thought."

"Can I think about it a little more?"

"We leave tomorrow morning." Emil pulled some paper out of his pocket and after a moment of searching for a pencil, Phichit grabbed a pen and handed it to him. "Here's where to find us. And our name, The Potya. If you want to come with us, find us before 8 tomorrow."

"Sounds good," Phichit said, looking at the piece of paper with wonder. "Sounds good..."

\---

“Emil.” Yuri's voice crackled through the intercom in Emil’s room, where he was still half asleep.

The voice jerked him awake and he tried to get out of bed, his legs tangling with his blankets before getting caught on the edge of his bed, sending him to the ground next to his bed. Spaceships weren’t really made with people his height in mind and that was never more clear to him than when he woke up with one leg off the bed or hooked over the end of it. Emil didn’t even consider himself that tall but apparently whoever designed these ships weren’t planning for many people over 180 centimeters tall. 

“What’s up?” Emil asked once he finally regained his footing and was able to get to the intercom. 

“Did you offer a ride to some kid named Phichit?”

“Sure did,” Emil responded. “Though, I’d hardly call him a kid. He’s older than–”

“Whatever,” Yuri interrupted. “Do you really think we have room for more random people?”

“We do have an open guest room and an open bunk in Seung-gil’s room.”

“You realize that we can’t just keep picking up strangers?”

“Captain,” Emil whined. “I swear, he’s a good guy.” 

“That’s not the issue–” Yuri cut himself off with a sigh, sounding tired. “We both know I’m going to let him on board, don’t we?”

“It’s up to you,” Emil said even though he was smiling. He was a little worried about how easily Yuri had given in but he was also happy about it.

“It really isn’t,” Yuri muttered. “Fine, he can come with us. But you better get down here and show him around ‘cause I’m not doing it.”

“Thank you, Captain!” Emil’s smile widened. “I’ll be right down!”

\---

“And where are you from,” Sara asked Phichit suspiciously at lunch, looking at him with crossed arms. 

“A little planet called Paranat,” Phichit explained. “Where are you from?”

“IRG-32.”

“Wow,” Phichit smiled. “That’s in a cluster right?”

“Yeah…”

“I did a report on that cluster a few years back. Really interesting stuff. The way they picked colonists for those planets was pretty shitty.”

“Excuse me?” Mickey raised an eyebrow at Phichit who rubbed the back of his head while smiling apologetically. 

“Sorry! Didn’t mean anything by it! Just that it was a really exclusive cluster. I’m surprised you guy left to study with the USEA, it’s really uncommon for people from that cluster to leave. People think it has something to do with the characteristics of the people chosen that makes them want to stay close to home.” 

“You sure seem to know a lot of our home cluster,” Sara leaned back in her chair, leveling Phichit with a look that was almost a glare.

“Like I said, I did a story about it. People are still interested in some of the more famous colonization efforts so we’d write articles about them all the time. The Capital Cluster and your home cluster are just two of many colonization efforts that interest people. Don’t even get me started on the early push for colonization that landed us with planets like the gem I was living on.”

“And why were you living there,” Sara was back into the conversation, interrogating Phichit like she thought he was a military robot designed specifically to capture them. 

“I moved there a few years back.” Phichit shrugged. “But then I lost my job and I was sort of stuck. I couldn’t get a job on that planet but I also didn’t have the money to go somewhere else. I was stuck, I guess.”

“Why’d you lose your job?” Sara asked.

Phichit opened his mouth then closed it again, which left an opening for Yuuri to speak up.

“Why don’t we talk about something else?”

“I want to know,” Sara insisted, only to have Mila put a hand on her shoulder and shake her head. “You guys aren’t interested? Like, why move there to begin with if you seem to hate it so much?”

“My fiance wanted to live there.” Phichit’s smile dried up as he spoke, looking at Sara seriously. “Is that enough for you?”

“You were engaged?” Emil spoke up, worried about what could have happened to his fiance since they obviously weren’t in the picture anymore. “What happened to you guys?”

“I was.” Phichit shrugged. “And it didn’t work out. That’s just what happens sometimes. She and I were too young to be engaged and we realized we weren’t right for each other. I haven’t seen her since we broke off our engagement.” 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Mickey said, seeming moved by Phichit’s story. 

“It was for the best,” Phichit said, the sudden smile on his lips not fooling Yuuri into thinking he was okay. “Sometimes things just don’t work out, yah know?”

Yuuri fiddled with his wedding ring, which he’d decided to wear on his finger again given he didn’t need to hide his marital status anymore. Not that he ever had to. But he didn’t feel like he had to anymore and that had been a bit freeing for him. Now, listening to Phichit talk about his ex, Yuuri felt his own concerns about Viktor’s feelings towards him resurfacing. 

“No need to get so sad,” Phichit laughed, reaching for more food. “I’m 24 and I have plenty of time to try again if I want to. It’s not like one failed relationship is going to ruin my life. I can’t let one loss destroy me.” 

“I guess not,” Yuuri murmured, thinking about his many failed relationships before Viktor. He thought about how many times he almost screwed up his relationship with Viktor. He thought about how he was 29 and he was sure that if this ended with his relationship with Viktor in shambles, he wouldn’t bounce back so easily. 

Suddenly, Seung-gil stood up and glared at Phichit, leaving in a huff without a word. Everyone watched him leave, shock on their faces.

“Did I say something?” Phichit asked, looking over his shoulder as they all clearly heard a door open and close from further in the ship.

“No clue,” Yuuri said honestly, suddenly worried about Seung-gil. “Even for him, that seemed odd.” 

“What’s his deal, anyway?” Phichit asked with a smile.

“Ask him yourself,” Sara shot at him. “We don’t gossip around here.”

“That’s fine.” Phichit seemed unperturbed by Sara’s aggression, which didn’t surprise Emil much given how easily he’d stood up against Jonathan. “How about you guys, then? You must have some great stories.”

“Not that I can think of,” Sara said, leaning back in her chair. “Just a couple of humble explorers.”

“Where’d your captain get the scar on his face.”

“No comment.”

“Why did you join the USEA?”

“No comment.” 

“Why are you going to the western edge?”

“No comment.”

“Why would a USEA mechanic be looking for parts in a flea market despite being a crewmember on an elite military vessel?” 

Sara stood up quickly, slamming her hands onto the table. 

“I said, no comment.” She turned and left, seeming so much like Seung-gil in that moment. 

Mickey and Mila exchanged a look and Mila nodded, Mickey standing and heading after Sara. 

“Sorry, she’s not usually like that,” Mila apologized. “But maybe don’t push her right now.”

“It’s nothing,” Phichit said, waving Mila away. “I’m used to worse.” 

Yuuri swore he could see the cogs in Phichit’s mind turning as if he’d gotten more information from Sara’s lack of answers than he would have if she’d told him the truth.

“Hey, speaking of parts I bought at a flea market,” Emil said, standing slowly. “I have some repairs to get started on soon, assuming Sara remembers we’re supposed to take a short stop for fixes. Phichit, if you need anything you can call me.”

“Or ask me,” Yuuri added. “I can help you out.”

“Yuuri is very helpful, trust me,” Mila said, turning to look at Emil. “Do you want my help?”

“Sure, that’ll probably make it go faster.”

Now it was just Phichit and Yuuri at the table—Yuri hadn’t come to lunch because he’d been working on something in his room like he always seemed to be doing—and an uncomfortable silence dragged between them for a few moments before Phichit smiled and tilted his head.

“So, where are you from?”

“Huh?” Yuuri blinked at Phichit.

“Where are you from?”

“Oh.” Yuuri sighed. “I was born on Urazaki but I've been living on Gallia for over a decade.”

Phichit whistled, “Gallia, huh? Not exactly a resort planet.”

“Do you know about the entire universe?” Yuuri asked, uncomfortable with Phichit's wide range of knowledge while also wondering if he could give him answers to questions he had about the military and the past of their universe.

“Not everything, but I know a lot. Gotta’ keep up to date on news and planets like Gallia generate a lot of news.” Phichit thought for a moment. “Ten years ago, huh? If my memory serves me well, you were there when the police finally managed to take down the Petrov crime family.”

“Sure was,” Yuuri replied, memories of cold steel on his neck sending shivers through him. “They were a nasty group.”

“Wait, did you run into them?” Yuuri nearly flinched, not meaning to give anything away but apparently, Phichit had sharp eyes.

“I mean, everyone on Gallia knew people part of the Petrov’s back then,” Yuuri lied. “I don't have insider info or anything.”

“Yuuri, come on, tell me what you know! There's so little information about them other than a few scattered reports.”

“I mean, I knew a guy who fell in bad with them accidentally. He made it out of that alive but I'm pretty sure that's only because it was right around when they got taken down.”

“So you do have insider info!” Phichit's eyes lighted up. “Gallia keeps terrible records so a lot was lost and I wasn't really paying attention to it at the time since I was pretty young then. I mean, I'd started studying journalism but I was mostly focused on my home planet.”

“That's all I know, I swear.” Yuuri wanted nothing less than to remember that horrible chapter of his and Viktor's lives.

“You've gotta know more!”

“I don't,” Yuuri stuttered out, cursing himself for breaking under Phichit's pressure. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Please let me do a story on you!” Phichit bowed his head. “I'm in desperate need of a story and you might have one of the best in a while. People still want to know more about Gallia because of how tight-lipped everyone involved was.”

“No,” Yuuri stood and crossed his arms. “And if you're looking for a story, you got on the wrong ship. If you don't want us to drop you off on the next planet we see, I'd recommend you forget your stories.”

Yuuri turned and fled to his room, afraid of how easily Phichit seemed to be able to crack a person wide open, leaving Phichit to sigh because, once again, he'd screwed up.

\---

It was night—or what passed as night on a spaceship hurtling through hyperspace at speeds faster than light—and once again Seung-gil found he couldn’t sleep. First, he’d tossed and turned for an eternity then, when he finally fell asleep, he was woken up by a nightmare. 

Not wanting to make another attempt at sleep, he left the room to wander around the ship until he was either too tired to stay awake or someone else woke up. He wasn’t an incredibly social person but at night, especially after nightmares, he found he was drawn towards other people. 

That was especially true when he had nightmares—or dreams—involving Mi-na. She’d been the one who helped him make friends in childhood even though he was her older brother and she should have been helped by him. But it always seemed to be true that she helped him instead. After a nightmare with her in it all he could hear ringing in his ears was what she’d said before he left to join the military:

 _”You can’t live this life alone. You have plenty to offer and you better go and find someone who’ll respect that. You’re a great person and you deserve a friend or two, just don’t forget to get out of your own head._ ” 

Then she’d smiled and pulled him into a hug, whispering, _”I’ll always be your best friend but you better go make some more best friends._

That was the last time he’d hugged her. 

And because he was haunted by her words—in everyday life but more so at night—he decided to wander around until he found someone else unable to sleep. That seemed to be a common ailment on this ship, so he was optimistic. Or, at least he was optimistic in comparison to his usual pessimism. 

The kitchen and dining room were dark, with no one there to keep Seung-gi company and chase away the ghost of his younger sister. He stopped to drink some water but did so quickly, the darkness of the room—he hadn’t felt the need to turn a light on because of the red lights that were always on in the ship had seemed like enough—pressing on his mind.

So, he headed down the stairs to the cargo bay, which was darkened like the rest of the ship. The entire place seemed like a hollow shell with everyone asleep, the red lights casting strangely dulled shadows that made Seung-gil simultaneously nervous and melancholy. 

He was going to head to the observation hallway to try and burn the dreams from his memory by staring into hyperspace when he noticed the flash of a very small light above him. When he looked up he saw the light was from what was probably a penlight, or something similarly small, and was being held by someone sitting in the rafters of the cargo bay. 

“Hey,” Seung-gil called out. “You’re going to get hurt, sleeping up there.”

“I’ve slept in higher places,” The voice that responded belonged to Phichit and Seung-gil couldn't say he was surprised. “And I wasn’t sleeping, anyway.” 

“It’s still dangerous.” 

Phichit didn’t respond, instead stowing his light away and crouching on the beam he had been sitting on. He swung over the edge, shimmying along towards where the beam hung close to the catwalk Seung-gil was on. Phichit dropped down, landing easily on the catwalk and letting Seung-gil breath a sigh of relief he’d been holding in since Phichit swung over the edge of the beam. Heights weren’t exactly Seung-gil’s favorite thing, which surprised people who knew he was a pilot. He didn’t see why those two things had to be mutually exclusive. 

“Better?”

“I wasn’t telling you to get down,” Seung-gil crossed his arms and his frown deepened. “What were you doing up there?”

“I like high places,” Phichit shrugged, the motion barely noticeable in the low light surrounding them. “They make me feel safe.” 

“Your room is safe.” Seung-gil wasn’t sure why he felt like comforting Phichit but something about him seemed so sad and Seung-gil was in a personable mood. “And, you know, don’t mind Sara. She’s a little jumpy but she’s a good person.”

“Huh?”

“Sara?” Seung-gil blinked. “Like, I mean, she was pretty short with you.” 

“I was pushing.” Phichit shrugged again, the motion seeming to be the only thing he could do. “I’m used to people not liking me. It’s whatever.”

“You shouldn’t–” Seung-gil shook his head, feeling strange being the one to try and talk someone out of negativity. Usually, he was the one saying stuff like Phichit. “I don’t think they dislike you.”

“I really don’t care either way,” Phichit told him but even Seung-gil could tell it was a lie. “Why are you even talking to me?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Sorry, that wasn’t supposed to be so aggressive.” Phichit sighed, taking a few steps towards Seung-gil. Even in the dim lights, he looked tired. “I just mean, you don’t like me so I don’t know why you feel like you need to talk to me. You don’t have to talk to me just because I seem sad or something.” 

“Why do you think I don’t like you?”

“You stormed out early after glaring at me,” Phichit raised an eyebrow. “How else was I supposed to interpret that?” 

“Oh, that.” Seung-gil had felt a little bad about his reaction to Phichit’s words. “I just– you talk like someone who’s never really lost someone they love. It pissed me off to hear you talk about losing someone you love so flippantly.” 

“Thanks for the honesty,” Phichit told him, zero sarcasm in the comment. “And it’s not like I’ve really lost people I love. They’re all alive.”

“You still lost them,” Seung-gil pointed out, his frown deepening.

“They’re not dead and it’s my own fault that I lost them.” Phichit shook his head, laughing a little. “Can we not talk about this?”

“Yeah, whatever.” Seung-gil might be feeling more personable right now but that didn’t mean he wanted to be pushy. Also, he was pretty sure he was starting to run out of things to say. “But, I don’t hate you or anything. I was just… annoyed.” 

Phichit laughed, the sound not exactly happy but at least it seemed genuine to Seung-gil. 

“I’ve been told I’m annoying, so that seems about right.”

 _”I don’t think you’re annoying,”_ Seung-gil nearly said, catching himself at the last moment since that would have been more than a little strange to say to someone he barely knew. He was obviously more tired than he thought. 

“We should get some sleep,” He said instead. “In beds.”

“I will if you do too,” Phichit smiled at Seung-gil. “You looked exhausted.” 

Seung-gil grunted in response, turning back towards the guest rooms, content when he heard Phichit following him. 

“Good night, Seung-gil,” Phichit said quietly when they reached the guest rooms. “Thanks for talking to me.”

“We didn’t really talk,” Seung-gil said without thinking. He did that a lot when he was tired. Okay, he did that a lot when he wasn’t tired too. “But… good night.”

Phichit laughed at Seung-gil’s bluntness and then disappeared into his room, leaving Seung-gil to do the same while wondering what to make of this nosey, melancholy, and seemingly kind person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo I fucked up and the next chapter is long AF. It was originally supposed to be short (so short, in fact, that I thought I'd have to combine it with the end of this chapter) but then I realized the original outline for the chapter just didn't make sense anymore. I outlined this entire fic before I started writing anything so sometimes ideas just end up not making sense with the way characters have been developed and how relationships have grown. Basically, what I was planning to write just would make sense with the characters I've ended up writing so I had to change it. In changing it, though, I ended up with a much longer chapter than expected...
> 
> So I'm trying really hard to finish it by next week but I've been having really bad season allergies and so it's kind of hard to do much more than just curl up in a ball and drink tea while not thinking about anything. 
> 
> That said, I'm going to try really really hard to finish the next chapter but there's a chance I just won't be able to. If there's no post from me next week, I apologize but it'll be up the week after. 
> 
> Thank you for your patience!


	11. You, Me, and Everyone In Between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sure, space doesn't have seasons but sometimes all you need is a good, old-fashioned spring cleaning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucking did it. I fucking finished this hellish chapter. Sorry that it's not as well edited as usual but I'm so done with this chapter right now. I almost split it in half but I couldn't find a good split so instead I just worked on it for hours until it was finished.
> 
> Also, I hate that I centered the poems in this but indentation is a bitch in html and I do not want to deal with that so centered poems it is. 
> 
> At this point, I'm so tired of this chapter that the only thing I like about it is the title. Because it is one of my favorite chapter titles haha

“Today's unplanned stop will be on a small planet called Topaz,” Sara informed the ship as people went about their days.

Yuuri was playing cards with Phichit—Yuuri had apologized for snapping at Phichit and Phichit had just laughed, saying Yuuri had nothing to apologize for—and Phichit was winning. Yuuri was starting to get competitive, though, so there was a good chance he'd take the game.

Seung-gil was in his room, reading one of the old books Sara bought for him. He was lost in the book and had a small but content smile on his face.

Sara and Mickey were busy in the control room, checking systems and readying for their upcoming landing. The planet was a small one so the only landing platform was a single military platform that they were staying far away from. That meant they'd have to make a landing without any guides and even though it was technically routine, it always worried Mickey. Sara would never say it aloud but it worried her too.

Emil had been asleep, having ruined his sleep schedule by accidentally flipping the hours he was awake with when most people were asleep. He'd have woken up soon, but Sara's voice jarred him into consciousness and now he was just trying to dispel the cobwebs from his mind.

Mila and Yuri had been sparing in the cargo bay—Mila was, of course, winning even if she insisted it wasn't a competition—and didn't pause to listen to Sara. The announcement had really been for the non-crew members of their ship.

“This ship is long passed due for a thorough cleaning and we're taking a break for that. We're a thirty minute walk from the nearest town but feel free to head out there while we're stopped. The crew should meet in the dining room after we land to take lots for cleaning duties.”

“Cleaning, huh.”

“I guess they haven't really cleaned since I got here,” Yuuri mused. “I never really thought about it. I sometimes forget that just because we're in a spaceship doesn't mean it isn't like any home or workplace.”

“How long have you been with them?” Phichit asked, for once just because he was wondering and not because he thought Yuuri might have a story-worthy answer.

“Not sure. It's hard to tell in space but I'd say maybe a month or two.”

“That's quite a while.”

“Well, distance is distance even on a fast ship. I met them on IRG-63 and it's been quite the distance since then.” He sighed. “I still have so far to go.”

“Where are you going?”

“The Edge,” Yuuri told Phichit without thinking about it. “I have someone waiting for me… at least I hope I do.”

Phichit fought with his desire to press for more information and his desire for the people on The Potya to like him, the later just barely winning.

“What did you do on Gallia?” Phichit asked, trying awkwardly to change the subject.

“I was a poet,” Yuuri laughed. “And I used to teach classes, which is guess was the real job.”

“A poet, huh.” Phichit hadn't expected that answer. “You publish anything?”

“I published some books on Gallia but I don't think they really left the planet.”

“Want to give me a sample?” Phichit asked. “I love poetry.”

“I don't know…” Phichit leveled Yuuri with an unexpected pair of puppy-dog eyes and Yuuri caved quickly. “Fine, but don't expect anything amazing.”

Yuuri thought for a moment before deciding on a poem:

 _“You sat in bed,_  
_Stars in your eyes and a galaxy in your head._  
_I thought I knew you then,_  
_But your heart was full of darkness._  
_Our future was full of questions,_  
_And I didn't even know._

 _I sit in bed,_  
_Stars gone and the Galaxy dark._  
_I thought I knew you then,_  
_But I was wrong._  
_Yet my heart is full of Hope,_  
_And maybe some how,_  
_Maybe someday,_  
_Our eyes will be full of stars again.”_

“Happy?” Yuuri asked, a little embarrassed. He didn't mind writing his poems down, but performing then was a different matter entirely.

“I loved it,” Phichit said, smiling. “What did you think, Seung-gil?”

Yuuri turned and saw a frozen Seung-gil, standing half hidden by the doorframe.

“I wasn't eavesdropping,” he defended gruffly.

“It's fine,” Yuuri laughed. “We aren't exactly in private.”

“Yeah,” he responded, walking to sit at the table too. Phichit dealt him into their game and Seung-gil didn't argue, just taking the cards to play. After a few rounds, he spoke up again. “It was a good poem.”

Yuuri smiled but didn't respond, knowing Seung-gil just wanted silence right now. Instead, they went back to playing the game quietly.

\---

“Okay, here's the list of what needs to get done,” Yuri told the crew, more serious than necessary about this. “Now we'll draw lots and winner picks first.”

“We want in!” Phichit called as he, Yuuri, and Seung-gil stepped into the dining room.

“You're our guests,” Yuri argued. “This is our job.”

“I'll clean my own room,” Seung-gil said.

“And it's not like we're paying to be on the ship,” Yuuri pointed out. “We just want to help out.”

“Yuuri, you still need to take it easy,” Mickey commanded. “You might be able to walk, but you're still healing.”

“I won’t do anything too hard,” Yuuri said with an eye roll. “It’s cleaning, not heavy lifting.”

“Fine,” Yuri said, caving easily because he really didn’t want to spend the time arguing with these three. “But you’ll all pick first and we can veto your choices.”

“Fine.” Yuuri crossed his arms. “How about I clean the kitchen? I am the one who uses it.”

“Seung-gil and I can clean the cargo bay,” Phichit offered. “Right Seung-gil?”

Seung-gil’s face said ‘I didn’t agree to this’ but he nodded anyway, seeming to be too tired to fight Phichit.

“That’s a lot for you two to do,” Mila said. “How about something easier?”

“I can get up into the rafters, though.” Phichit smiled. “It’s sort of dusty. I don’t think any of you have cleaned up there.”

“When–” Yuri started to ask before shaking his head. “Fine, whatever, I don’t care. You two can do that. Now, the rest of us needs to draw lots.”

In a bowl was five pieces of paper and they each grabbed one, opening it to check their numbers.

“Who’s first?” Yuri asked.

“Me,” Sara raised her hand with a smile. “I’ll take laundry and cleaning both Yuri’s rooms.”

“Excuse me!” Yuri looked at the list, having only just noticed his room was on the list. “I can clean my own room!”

“No you can’t,” Sara insisted. “You never actually clean. You just pretend to and then leave everything how it is. So I’ll clean it.”

Yuri seemed annoyed but didn’t argue more, he was aware that arguing about this wasn’t worth it. Today was just one of those days were everyone seemed ready to challenge him to try and overrule their choices. And what did here really know anyway?

“Well, I’m second,” He grumbled. “I’ll take… dining room, viewing hallway, and the control room.”

“I’m next,” Mila raised a hand. “Bathroom and shuttle for me.”

Mickey and Emil shared a lot and then Emil spoke up, “Well, engine room and med bay are the only two left so we’ll do those together.”

“Okay, that’s everything.” Yuri said, walking over to tape the paper onto a wall. “Don’t forget to clean your rooms. And bring out all your laundry to Sara.”

“Sounds good,” Mila said. “Let’s get started.”

\---

Yuuri and Yuri were cleaning in silence for a while before Yuuri decided it might be a good idea to strike up a conversation.

“How are you feeling, Yuri?”

“Huh?” Yuri looked up at Yuuri like he was crazy. “Where'd that come from, Katsuki?”

“You seem tired,” Yuuri commented because he did seem a little tired.

“I'm fine,” Yuri insisted. “What about you? You've seemed out of it for the last few days.”

“Have I?” Yuuri asked even though he thought he knew what Yuri was talking about.

“Don't try to be cute,” Yuri glared at Yuuri. “What's up with you?”

Yuuri sighed, “I've just been thinking about Viktor.”

“You're always thinking about Viktor, what's really wrong?”

“Well, I've been thinking about his letter.” Yuuri sighed. “What if I'm wrong about it?”

“I feel like your medallion implies otherwise.”

“It's just–” Yuuri shook his head. “I don't know, something just feels wrong and I can't put my finger on why.”

“Do you have the letter?”

“Huh?”

“The letter,” Yuri repeated. “I can give you a second opinion if you want.”

“Oh.” Yuuri hadn't even thought of that. “Well it's in my room. But if you want, I can tell you about it.”

“You have it memorized?” Yuri raised an eyebrow at Yuuri even if he wasn't that surprised.

“It's a pretty personal letter,” Yuuri tried to defend, knowing Yuri's incredulousness was logical. “And I guess I read it a lot.”

“You're sure he wrote it.”

Yuuri paused in his cleaning, staring at the counter he'd been wiping down.

“What do you mean?”

“Could someone else have wrote it?”

“I–” Yuuri's thoughts were suddenly spinning too fast for him to think about them. “No. I don't know how that would be possible.”

“Why not?”

“Like I said, it’s a very personal letter.” Yuuri closed his eyes, the words spilling out of his mouth before he could stop them. “ _Yuuri. My light. My star. My moon. You pull me ever closer, tugging on my oceans and shining beautiful light onto me in my darkest hour._ ” Yuuri turned to looked at Yuri. “That was the first paragraph. It’s taken from Viktor’s vows.”

“Huh,” was all Yuri could respond.

“If it had just been those, I wouldn’t be worried. But the fact that they’re in there… It just feels like he wanted me to remember our good times, as if they were behind us.”

“Hmm…” Yuri paused in his work before looking up at Yuuri. “Tell me the rest.”

\---  
_  
For what felt like the first time in his life, Yuuri didn't feel anxious. At least not a bad anxious. There was some anxiety, but it was really more antsy impatience._

_The day was just so beautiful. Blue and pink flowers, white ribbons, and soft white silk. A dream for a poet and a painter. A dream for two people who were as in love as Yuuri and Viktor._

_Yuuri looked at himself critically while Takeshi and Yuuko stood nearby. When Yuuri fixed his blue tie again, Yuuko sighed and Takeshi rolled his eyes._

_“You look fine,” He told Yuuri._

_“I don't want to look fine, I want to look perfect.”_

_“Yuuri, you do look perfect.” Yuuko smiled at him. “And it's almost time. It's going to be perfect.”_

_“I know,” Yuuri sighed, letting his hands fall away from his tie. “No matter what, it's already perfect.” He nodded to Yuuko and Takeshi. “I'm ready.”_

_It wasn't long before Yuuri was watching Yuuko and Takeshi walk down his side of the aisle as two of Viktor's friends did the same from his side of the aisle Already walking down the center aisle was Yuuri's parents, followed by Viktor's._

_“Bro, you've done great,” Mari whispered to him before heading down his aisle too to meet Viktor's cousin—his name was Dimitry—who Viktor was close with._

_Then, it was their turn. Yuuri found himself smiling before he even reached the center. When he did he was unsurprised to see that along with a smile, Viktor was already crying.  
“Why are you crying?” Yuuri murmured playfully, reaching up to wipe a tear off if Viktor's cheek. “Aren't you happy to see me?”_

_“Don't be mean,” Viktor said with a pout, reaching out to grab one of Yuuri's hands. “You good?”_

_“I'm good.” Yuuri smiled at Viktor's chest, looking at his pink tie which was impeccable tied. “I'm more than good. I'm great. I'm perfect.”_

_Viktor's smile widened and he turned, Yuuri doing the same as they both walked down the aisle._

_Things seem to speed by for Yuuri until they arrived at the vows, which they'd prepared separately. Yuuri had secretly been hoping his would make Viktor cry but that ship had already sailed._

_“Viktor.” Yuuri wasn't sure why he had ended up going first but here he was. “My sun, my inspiration, my love. When I wrote these vows I was watching you sit quietly and contemplate the scene out our bedroom window like you so often do. You were bathed in soft light that reflected beautifully off your pale eyelashes. I realized then that there was no way I could write down how much you mean to me and how much I love you. That love is too big for a few words so instead I'll try saying one thing: I love you and, Viktor, I want to spend the rest of our days together.”_

_Even if Yuuri hadn't made Viktor cry, he thought he'd prolonged those tears. Viktor's eyes were filled with the kind of happy tears that only Viktor could truly produce and Yuuri thought for a moment Viktor was going to launch himself at Yuuri. In the end, though, he pulled out his vows and started to speak, his voice on a little shaken by his tears._

_“Yuuri. My light. My star. My moon. You pull me ever closer, tugging on my oceans and shining beautiful light onto me in my darkest hour. I'm not exactly a poet but being in love with one makes me want to write poetry. Being in love with you makes me want to write poetry. The first day we met wasn't exactly a picture perfect romance and neither was the second time we met. But, you stayed with me through so much and I stayed with you through just as much. It's made us stronger, sure, but it's also made me appreciate more and more each day we get to spend with each other.” Viktor reached out, touching Yuuri's face softly, his eyes full of a level of love Yuuri thought only Viktor could manage. “I love you and I want to spend every day of the rest of our lives together. For better or for worse, I want to stand by you and I want you to stand by me because Yuuri, I love you more than anyone could truly know.”_

_Yuuri felt tears on his cheeks and he laughed, speaking low enough so only Viktor would hear him._

_“I think you win.”_

_Viktor leaned over and kissed Yuuri—much to the chagrin of the officiator—and the kiss lasted a few moments too long as Yuuri chased Viktor's lips. When they finally pulled apart, Viktor smiled softly at Yuuri and murmured._

_“Of course I win,” he pecked another kiss onto Yuuri's lips. “I am marrying you, after all.”_

_And in that moment Yuuri was sure this feeling of bliss would never end._  
  
\---

“ _If I just stand up and dance with you, then maybe we’d learn a thing or two._ ” Seung-gil wasn’t sure what was worse, the volume of Phichit’s singing or the absolutely terrible pitch of his voice. “ _But if I dance with you, then I know I’d lose my way. So baby, I’m gonna’ stay._ ”

“Phichit, you’re giving me a headache,” Seung-gil called up to where Phichit was cleaning the scaffolding. “And can you clean faster? We can’t start down here until you finish up there.”

“Calm down, grumpy pants.” Phichit’s head peaked out to stick his tongue out at Seung-gil, who just rolled his eyes. “And if you’re so picky, why don’t you sing something?”

“I’m not singing.”

“But silence is boring!”

“I don’t sing.”

“Then I will.” Phichit took in a deep breath and continued singing whatever song he’d just been screeching. “ _You can dance all night, but I’m fine alone. You can dance all night, but I’ll pass on that."_

“Phichit, what do I have to do to make you stop, _”_ Seung-gil pleaded. At first he’d been content to let Phichit sing—he didn’t care much if someone was a good singer or not—but he hadn’t been lying about his slowly evolving headache. “Other than sing.”

“Tell me about yourself.” Phichit swung over the side of the rafters as he said that, making Seung-gil nervous until he finally dropped down onto solid ground. “And I’m done up there.”

“Fine,” Seung-gil caved, just wanting this headache to go away even though he suspected it was going to stay with him the foreseeable future. “I’m from Sariseong, trained as a pilot, and am looking for a job in the outer region.”

“Sariseong? That’s in IRG-134, right?”

“Yeah.”

“We’re from pretty close to each other, then. I’m from IRG-126. Not the same sector but almost.” As they started on cleaning the non-ceiling parts of the cargo bay, Phichit looked more than a little sad. “I guess I understand how you lost people you loved.”

Seung-gil grunted in response, not wanting to talk about the people he lost.

“What city were you from?’

“Seongjeon, the capital.”

“That couldn’t have been an easy place to grow up.” Phichit and Seung-gil weren’t looking at each other and Seung-gil was glad for it since he knew he was having trouble keeping his face neutral. “I mean, the rebellions alone would have made life hard but I’ve heard crime rates are pretty high there too. Not that much information gets out of there without first being filtered by the military. It’s hard to know whether the information is even real or just propaganda.”

“It’s a bit of truth and a bit of lies.” Seung-gil sighed, not sure he wanted to think about Seongjeon. “Fighting between rebels and soldiers made things dangerous. Rebels who thought we owed them something and soldiers who thought they owned us all. People looking to get by any way they could. Wasn’t always safe or easy, I guess, but it was home.”

Seung-gil fell silent, feeling like he shared too much and part of him wanted to take it all back. Part of him, though, thought it was nice to talk about it. He’d heard Yuuri mention how nice it was to talk about Viktor—not that Seung-gil really knew much about that situation—and he thought now he understood what Yuuri had been talking about. He hated talking about himself and about the things that haunted him and yet talking about them also felt kind of good.

“Losing home is hard,” Phichit said simply.

“Yeah,” Seung-gil agreed, hearing something in Phichit’s voice that he recognized in his own tone. He’d also heard it in Yuuri’s voice and the voices of the crew.

Seung-gil thought that maybe Sara had been right even if he’d brushed her off. Everyone here was looking for home, even him. But it made sense, who would get on a ship hurtling towards The Edge other than people with no other home?

As silence filled the cargo bay—they could hear the sound of Sara singing to herself quietly floating into the room as if carried in by the soft wind that blew outside—Seung-gil thought about how maybe silence wasn’t what he wanted right now. Sure, the off-key singing had been a bit grating, but now he found himself missing it.

So, to fill the silence, he sang the only song he knew by heart. It was one in the language of Sariseong which his mother had sung to him and Mi-na when they were younger. It had been the song he sang during training if he was able to find a private moment. It was the song he’d shared with his best friend and bunkmate, Ari. He knew Phichit wouldn’t be able to understand the lullaby, but he hoped he’d still like it.

 _“Hey doggie, don’t bark_  
_Our baby sleeps so well_  
_Hey chickie, don’t bark_  
_You’ll wake our child’s sweet sleep_  
_Hush hush our baby_  
_our baby sleeps so well_

 _A baby more beautiful than the moon_  
_A baby more beautiful than the stars_  
_Hush hush our baby_  
_Our baby sleeps so well”_

And Phichit didn’t say a word, instead continuing his cleaning in silence while he bathed in the soft sound of Seung-gil’s singing voice. It was a quiet but pretty sound of someone who could sing—and maybe even liked to sing—but was terribly embarrassed to sing in front of others.

 _“Hey doggie, don’t bark_  
_Our baby sleeps so well_  
_Hey chickie, don’t bark_  
_You’ll wake our child’s sweet sleep_  
_Hush hush our baby_  
_our baby sleeps so well_

 _A baby more beautiful than flowers_  
_A baby more precious than gold_  
_Hush hush our baby_  
_Our baby sleeps so well”_

Phichit thought that maybe this was a sign that God had stopped punishing him. He wondered if finally, finally, he was being allowed to make another attempt at real happiness.

No matter what, Phichit felt pretty happy at the moment.

\---

“Okay, tell me the second paragraph again,” Yuri commanded.

“' _I am gone. I can be found. I shouldn’t be found. I want to be found. I don’t want to return.'_ ” Yuuri was sitting in the doorframe of the control room as Yuri cleaned inside. He already retold the whole letter to Yuri more than once but now Yuri had decided to do a deep dive on each section. “It’s from Viktor’s favorite book.”

“Okay, what does it mean in the book?”

“It’s some sort of riddle,” Yuuri explained. “The next line is, ‘What am I?’”

“What’s the answer to the riddle?”

“I have no idea.”

“You have no idea?”

“The series isn’t finished and they still haven’t answered the riddle.” Yuuri shook his head. “I’m not convinced the author knows what the answer is.”

“So these are new books?”

“Yeah, they were written by someone named Anya something. Viktor started reading them because his therapist recommended them. They’re fantasy novels but they were inspired by the author’s experiences as a child. She got sick with the same illness that Viktor had as a child and lost her memories.”

“A disease that makes you lose your memory? I’ve never heard of it.”

“It was a bit of a problem like twenty or so years ago. A lot of kids got it. Some lost only part of their memory and others lost it all. Viktor and this Anya woman lost all their memories from before their hospitalization and as you’d expect, that can be hard to deal with. It’s a lot of time to lose, even as you get older. Viktor was always worried about his past being fake–”

“That’s the answer,” Yuri cut in, looking up at Yuuri like he couldn’t believe himself. “The past. It’s the person’s past. It’s gone because they forgot it but it can be found, somehow. For some reason, though, they don’t think it should be found and, yet, it wants to be found. Maybe they don’t want the memories of their past to return?” Yuri shook his head. “Maybe I’m wrong.”

“No, no, that’s not a bad thought.” Yuuri’s thoughts were spinning again. “Could Viktor– did his memories come back? Is that why he ran?”

“You don’t think Viktor could be related to those trials, do you?”

Silence hung in the air between them, thick and painful because of course Yuuri had thought of that the moment that he’d found out about the trials that happened across the western edge of the universe, the very place Viktor seemed to be headed. Of course, Yuuri had thought of that, but it was insane. No, more than insane, it just seemed impossible to him.

“There’s no way. I’ve met his parents.” Yuuri laughed shakily. “I’ve seen his baby pictures. Unless his mom was involved like mine was, I don’t see how he could be related to any of that.” Yuuri shook his head. “There’s just– gods, there’s no way. Just because he forgot– he has a past. He had a childhood. I’ve seen the proof. I’ve seen pictures and heard stories.”

“It was just a thought.” Yuri shrugged, going back to his scrubbing of the floor. “Don’t think too hard about it. I was just spitballing.”

There was no way. Viktor had left a footprint on the universe from the moment he was born and Yuuri had to believe that something like that couldn’t be so seamlessly faked.

A lot like Viktor, Yuuri felt like he was holding tightly to the hope that the past had simply been forgotten because, in the end, he was weak and he needed to believe that what he thought to be true was actually the truth.

He needed to know it wasn’t all a lie.

 _\---_  
  
_“No way!” Viktor shouted from the living room, garnering a smile from Yuuri as he brewed them both the new tea he’d bought to help calm his anxiety and Viktor’s compulsive need to never slow down. “That can’t be it!”_

__“What’s wrong, Darling?” Yuuri asked with a smile as he brought the tea out to his husband, who was laying upside down on the couch like he was 12. It was endearing even if Yuuri worried Viktor would hurt his neck or back doing that._ _

__“They never figured out the riddle!”_ _

__“What riddle?”_ _

__“The heroes find a riddle near the beginning of the first book in this series. This is the third one and they still haven’t found the answer!” Yuuri held one of the cups out to Viktor and he shifted into a sitting position, taking the tea gratefully. After taking a sip he continued. “In the first one, I thought it had something to do with the princess they were rescuing but she turned out to not even exist. Then two of the heroes disappear in the second book and I thought it would have something to do with them but they just never showed back up, which I’d like to say is also annoying. We don’t even know if they’re dead or alive! Lavender seems to think they’re dead — she’s the main hero — but Jackson says they’re alive. This third book, though, wasn’t even about finding them or about the riddle. Instead, Lavender and Jackson end up trapped in some weird castle and have to escape. There wasn’t even a mention of the riddle this time!”_ _

__“Maybe the author forgot,” Yuuri offered. “Or maybe even they don’t know the answer.”_ _

__“Ugh, I hope that’s not true.” Viktor finished his tea quickly—too quickly, in Yuuri’s opinion—and plopped his head onto Yuuri’s lap. “I hope the next one will tell us more.”_ _

__“I’m sure it will,” Yuuri said with a smile, taking one hand off his cup to run it through Viktor’s hair. “What’s the riddle? Maybe we can solve it together.”_ _

__“I am gone. I can be found. I shouldn’t be found. I want to be found. I don’t want to return. What am I?”_ _

__“Hmm…” Yuuri thought for a moment then sighed, shaking his head. “Sorry, I’ve got nothing.”_ _

__“It’s gotta mean something, though. It just has to!”_ _

__“I think these books are supposed to be helping you calm down,” Yuuri told Viktor, a little worried. “They aren’t making things worse, right?”_ _

__“No, no, really they aren’t.” Viktor smiled at Yuuri. “I really like them. They help me forget when things are too much. And it’s nice to remember I’m not the only one who lost a lot to an illness.”_ _

__“I’m glad. You know I just want you to not have to worry as much about that.” Yuuri leaned down and kissed Viktor’s forehead. “And I’m here for you no matter what.”_ _

__“Thanks, you know how much that means to me.” Viktor paused for a moment, his voice lowering. “Honey?”_ _

__“Yes, Vitya?”_ _

__“I want to try painting full time. Not immediately, of course, but I want to try. Anya wrote these books because she always wanted to write and because writing was cathartic for her. Painting has helped me a lot in the past and it would be nice to do more of it. It would be nice to make a career out of it.”_ _

__“If that’s what you want, I support you.”_ _

__“Really?”_ _

__“Of course.” Yuuri laughed a little. “I love you and I love your art. I’ll support both things as long as you need.”_ _

__“Thank you,” Viktor said, closing his eyes as he smiled. “I love you, too.”_ _

__Yuuri leaned down and kiss Viktor, not for the first time glad that he had such a wonderful man in his life.__  
  
\---

“You’re not my mother.”

“All I’m saying is that maybe you should learn how to fight,” Emil explained, trying to be careful with his words.

“I know how to fight, we all trained together in the academy,” Mickey shot back.

“You took two semesters of basic combat. I’m talking about training with me and Mila and the Captain.”

Mickey and Emil had finished cleaning the machinery and floors of the engine room, but now they were waiting for everything to dry so they could make sure they didn’t miss any spots. There were a lot of nooks and crannies in the engine room and Emil wasn’t sure they’d cleaned it completely yet.

Now they were about halfway through cleaning the med bay—Emil had definitely cleaned some blood they missed after Yuuri’s surgery and he nearly vomited because of the memory—and at some point, the conversation had turned to contingency planning.

“I don’t need to train with you guys.”

“I’m just– What if you’re separated from us and get in a fight? Things are dangerous out here and I’m–” Emil didn’t know why he felt so self-conscious about admitting that he was worried about Mickey. He tried to reason that it was just because he didn’t think Mickey would appreciate the sentiment. He guessed it had a lot more to do with his insecurities regarding their relationship and how his feelings might be clouding his judgment. “You never learned how to protect other people! We could teach you that. Imagine if you and Sara were separated from us and got in a fight. Don’t you want to protect her?”

“I do, but we both know Sara can hold her own in a fight.”

“What about our passengers?” Emil tried, hoping to convince Mickey by using his intense protectiveness against him. “Don’t you want to be able to protect them?”

“Emil, just stop trying to be nice.” Mickey’s voice dropped and when Emil turned to look at him, his shoulders were slightly hunched. “We both know I’m the weakest person on this ship. Seung-gil is– was a soldier so he’s been trained. Phichit survived on a pretty rough planet. And I asked Phichit about the planet Yuuri used to live on and he said it was a tough place. I bet even he can fight better than me.”

“Fine!” Emil crossed his arms, frowning slightly because he just wanted Mickey to be safer, not to bring him down. “You’re the weakest person on The Potya! But you could change that if you’d train with us.”

“You’ll–” Mickey shook his head, “Never mind.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Mickey…” Emil walked over to Mickey and forced him to turn, though Mickey still wouldn’t look at Emil. He had his arms crossed protectively across his chest and his face was half grumpy frown and half embarrassed grimace. “You know you can talk to me.”

“Fine. I don’t want you guys to make fun of me.” His expression changed back to its usual mask of grumpy annoyance. “Happy now?”

“Yeah,” Emil told him honestly. “I’m glad you can talk to me. And, hey, I won’t make fun of you. Sara won’t either. I bet the Captain wouldn’t even make fun of you. He might be thorny but I think we both know he doesn’t really make fun of anyone but Yuuri and Mila. I might even be able to convince Mila not to make fun of you.”

“I don’t need you to protect me,” Mickey said and Emil wasn’t sure if he was talking about emotionally or physically. He guessed emotionally. “But thank you. I… If you’re really worried, I’ll consider it.”

“I’m, umm, I never–” Emil blushed a little and Mickey rolled his eyes.

“I can tell you were worried about me.” Mickey turned to keep cleaning the cabinet he’d been working on. “I’m not angry. We’re friends, of course you’re worried.”

“Yeah, of course.” Emil barely stifled a sigh of relief.

“And Emil.”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for worrying.”

Emil smiled softly to himself before turning back to his work, feeling warmer than he had before.

\---

“A… Robert Frost poem,” Yuri raised an eyebrow at Yuuri. “You guys are such fucking nerds.”

“Do you even know who Robert Frost is?” Yuuri asked from where he was sitting just outside the viewing hallway that Yuri was currently cleaning.

He’d already finished on the windows and had started on the floor. Originally he’d started on the floors first but Yuuri had stopped him, pointing out that he wouldn’t be able to walk on the floors until they dried and so they could be cleaned last. Yuri had made a snide comment about Yuuri knowing so much about cleaning but he had taken Yuuri’s advice and after a minute of him silently cleaning the windows he’d thanked Yuuri for the advice.

“No, but I can tell you’re both nerds.”

“He’s a poet from the end of Earth’s Grounded Modern period.”

“See, that’s some nerd shit right there. I don’t even know what that means.”

“It’s the time–”

“Nope, don’t care,” Yuri interrupted, seeming flippant but Yuuri suspected he was just afraid of things he didn’t know much about. Or maybe he really just hated poetry. “Why is this poem important?”

“Well, he wrote down two different parts of a poem called West Running Brook. The first made me think that Viktor was talking about going west.”

“Yeah, I’d say that was pretty clear. Unless it’s some weird code.”

“But I don’t really understand the second line he chose.”

“It might surprise you, but I don’t really remember which line you’re talking about,” Yuri told him and Yuuri just rolled his eyes at Yuri’s sarcasm. Mostly because there was something in Yuri’s current teasing, rudeness, and sarcasm that seemed off. “What did it say?”

“‘Here we, in our impatience of the steps, get back to the beginning of beginnings.’”

“Yeah, I’ve got nothing.” Yuri shrugged. “Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. Maybe it was just meant to convince you this was Viktor. I mean this poem is significant to you, right?”

“It’s the first poem I read to him. I used to read him poetry all the time—he said he liked my voice—but this was the first one I read to him.”

“Maybe he was worried you wouldn’t believe he wrote the letter so he’s trying to put in stuff that only you’d understand.”

“Maybe…” Yuuri shook his head. “But he already put in one line from the poem. Why the second? And, regardless, the next part seems to be more about that.”

“About what?”

“Convincing me it’s from Viktor.” Yuuri sighed, wishing this was easier. Wishing that none of this had ever happened. “The line has to mean something. But what could he mean by the beginning of beginnings? And impatience? It just doesn’t make sense.”

“Maybe,” Yuri stopped cleaning, sighing as he stared at the ground, “Some things just don’t make sense. Maybe there isn’t a secret code or a grand meaning. Maybe everything is just confusing and maybe most things are meaningless.”

“Yuri–?”

“Let’s move on. It was probably telling you to go west and that’s good enough for me.”

Yuuri wanted to push more, but decided it wasn’t worth it at the moment. Maybe later it would be but, for now, he’d let Yuri be isolated for now.

But, only for now.

 _\---_  
  
_“What are you writing?” Viktor asked, walking to sit_ next _on Yuuri’s bed, where he was sitting with his laptop. “You look serious. But in that cute way when you’re enjoying something.”_

__Yuuri blushed a little, coughing to keep his voice even._ _

__“Working on a paper for my classics class.”_ _

__“What’s that?”_ _

__“All literature and creative writing majors have to take a classics class where you pick a classic author and study them for the semester. This is our first paper and I want it to be good. My professor doesn’t seem to like me.”_ _

__“I’m sure he loves you.” Viktor sipped the tea he’d made. “I mean, I know I do.”_ _

__Yuuri blushed harder at that. He knew he was the one who’d said ‘I love you’ first, but it was still strange to hear. It was still hard to balance how happy those words made him and how scary he found them._ _

__“I picked a famous poet from the end of Earth’s Grounded Modern period. His name’s Robert Frost and I’ve always loved his poems. I’m so happy to be able to study him more. Did you know that he was, like, known to be a farmer but he was actually a pretty bad farmer?”_ _

__“I didn’t because I’m not sure I know who you’re talking about.”_ _

__“Oh!” Yuuri sometimes forgot that people didn’t normally known about old, old Earth poets. “Well, you might have heard some of his poems. There’s ‘Fire and Ice’ or ‘Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening’. That’s one of my favorites. I memorized it when I was little.”_ _

__“I don’t think I’ve heard of those. Are you writing about a poem right now?”_ _

__“Yeah, it’s called ‘West Running Brook’.”_ _

__“Read it to me,” Viktor requested, leaning his head on Yuuri’s shoulder. “I want to hear it.”_ _

__“Okay…” Yuuri picked up the book of Frost’s poems he was using—it was an old book and it had been hard to find, but it was one of his most prized possessions—since this wasn’t one of Frost’s poems he had memorized._ _

__“'Fred, where is north?'_ _

__'North? North is there, my love.  
The brook runs west.'_ _

_'West-running Brook they call it.'_  
(West-Running Brook men call it to this day.)  
'What does it think it's doing running west  
When all the other country brooks flow east  
To reach the ocean? It must be the brook  
Can trust itself to go by contraries  
The way I can with you -- and you with me --  
Because we're -- we're -- I don't know what we are.  
What are we?'

__'Young or new?'”_ _

__Yuuri continued, his voice low, as Viktor seemed to melt. He put his empty mug down and let his head fall into Yuuri’s lap, closing his eyes and letting Yuuri’s voice wash over him. The poem was on the long side but when it was over, it seemed too soon._ _

__“Your voice is beautiful,” Viktor commented, making Yuuri blush._ _

__“I don’t know about that–”_ _

__“Read another one.” Viktor opened his eyes and added, “Please?”_ _

__Yuuri laughed a little, “Of course I’ll read more. I love Robert Frost.”_ _

__“More than me?” Viktor asked, pouting playfully, making Yuuri laugh._ _

__“There’s no way I could love him more than you.” Yuuri leaned down and kissed Viktor’s forehead. “I mean, he’s been dead for centuries.”_ _

__“Yuuri!” Viktor whined, making Yuuri laugh more._ _

__“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Yuuri flipped the book to ‘Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening’ since that was a classic among people who loved Frost. Honestly, Yuuri didn’t need the book to remember the poem but something about reading from the book out loud felt good. “I’d love you even if Robert Frost was alive and very, very gay for me.”_ _

__Viktor laughed and closed his eyes, smiling as Yuuri started to read from his book again. There was just something about Yuuri recitation voice that was enchanting to Viktor. Well, more enchanting than he found everything about Yuuri._ _

__“Whose woods these are, I think I know. His house is in the village, though. He will not see me stopping here, to watch his woods fill up with snow…”_ _

__Yuuri’s apartment was warm against the winter outside and Yuuri thought that maybe this was exactly what he’d always wanted. To be cuddled up in bed, reading poetry to someone he loved while he wondered if it was going to snow tonight._ _

__He thought that maybe, this was perfection._ _

_  
\---_

“I think I might be in love with the way that you love me. I think I might be falling for your charms.”

Sara sang to herself as she finished pinning laundry to the laundry lines she had put up in the field they’d decided to land in. She had picked the location because it was easy to land but wasn’t so far from civilization that they’d be alone until they left. She was hoping to convince Yuri—and everyone else—that a trip to the nearby town was a good idea.

For now, though, she had a song called A Single’s Dance stuck in her head. It was from a musical with the same name which her and Mila had watched a couple of times during school. Sara liked the musical but she didn’t think it was very good and, honestly, the title song was kind of annoying. That said, it was still very stuck in her head today.

“But that doesn’t mean I want to dance with you. I’m terrified of falling farther in love with you.”

A warm breeze blew through across the grassland and Sara thought about how perfect this place seemed to be. She wondered if she could be happy in a place like this, grounded but without big worries about life and death. She wondered if she could settle down with Mila in a place like this and be happy without having her own mechanical wings.

“So dance alone my friend. Dance your single’s dance. Leave me out of this thing you call love. I don’t want a part of it. I don’t need a part of it. I’m just fine alone, my friend. So leave me out, of your single’s dance.”

Sara could imagine them living in a small house surrounded by acres of grassland. Maybe there would be a forest within walking distance that they could see from their from their porch. The town would also be within walking distance, but far enough away that at night they’d be able to see the stars. The house would have two bedrooms and one bathroom. They’d adopt some cats. Mila would probably want a dog, though, so they’d have a dog too. Maybe one day, they’d fill that empty bedroom with a baby. Maybe they wouldn’t.

Maybe Sara was getting a tad bit ahead of herself.

“Leave me, to be alone.”

But she thought she might be in love with Mila and there was part of her that was afraid Mila didn’t feel the same. Part of her was afraid that Mila would never feel for Sara as deeply as Sara felt for Mila. Sara wasn’t afraid of an imbalance in love—that seemed bound to happen in any relationship—but she was afraid that the imbalance would be too great. She was afraid the imbalance would tear them apart.

“Dear, I’m not asking you for forever.” Sara turned, surprised to hear someone else joining her singing but not surprised to find that person was Mila, who had a huge grin on her face. “I’m just asking for this dance. I’m asking you, my new love, for just one single dance.”

“Mila, I didn’t expect you,” Sara said, even though Mila had been helping with the laundry.

“Well, I came down to see if you needed any more help, but you seem to have things under control.” Mila’s smile widened and she held out a hand to Sara. “May I have this dance?”

“Just this one,” Sara giggled, taking Mila’s hand as Mila started to hum out the orchestral portion of A Single’s Dance where the dancing happened. This made Sara’s giggle turn into a full laugh. “I didn’t expect you to remember this so well.”

“How could I not?” Mila asked as they danced a simple waltz, both knowing the music well enough to not actually need Mila’s humming. “We watched it enough.”

“I guess you’re right,” Sara said, leaning closer to Mila. “You’re not… worried?”

“Worried?”

“I know you want us to keep this quiet for a little and…” Sara sighed. She understood why Mila wanted to keep things quiet, but it still went against Sara’s nature. That nature being that she wanted to attach herself to Mila whenever possible. “Well, are you worried right now that someone might see?”

“I think we’re fine. Seung-gil and Phichit are upstairs playing cards. Yuuri and the Captain are in the cargo bay chatting about something. Emil and Mickey are still cleaning the med bay, though they’re almost done.”

“How do you always know what everyone is doing?”

“It’s sort of my job to keep tabs on everyone.”

“Still, you always know so much.”

“It’s how I keep you all safe,” Mila whispered into the top of Sara’s head before picking up their pace again and sending Sara into an outward spin.

When she pulled Sara back in, their feet tangled and both women tripped over each other and ended up on the ground. After a huff and a few seconds to regain their lost breath, they both started giggling. Giggles turned into laughter and song they were laughing hysterically while Mila layed on top of Sara.

As their laughter tapered off, they both seemed to realize the positions they were in and their faces became a little more serious. Mila’s mouth opened a little but she didn’t say anything, the look seeming to be something more akin to awe than a lack of words.

“Sara?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re absolutely beautiful,” Mila said.

Before Sara could respond, Mila leaned down to kiss Sara and Sara didn’t even care that she hadn’t been allowed to explain how gorgeous Mila was. Instead, she melted into the kiss, one hand finding its way into Mila’s hair and the other resting on her butt.

When they broke apart they looked breathlessly, wordlessly, at each other before Sara leaned up to kiss Mila again. The ground was hard on her back and Mila was starting to feel the strain in her arms form holding herself up above Sara but neither of them complained because, for a moment, everything seemed to be okay.

\---

“Why would those poems scare you?”

“The context of them in real life,” Yuuri explained. “It's from a series of poems written by two men. They were in love but they couldn't be together. So they wrote poems as love letters to each other. Only they knew that the poems they were publishing were meant for each other because they were very careful. They'd never publish their poems too close in time. They'd be as vague as possible. But, in the end… well one of the two also had really bad depression and as things in his life got worse, so did he. In the end, he… well he died by suicide. The one who was still alive never published another poem. He wrote more, and they were published after his death, but he never published another poem in his lifetime.”

Yuri was silent for a while, watching Emil and Mickey practice some basic self-defense together. Yuri was sure they could hear him and Yuuri talking but they were oblivious to them. They seemed to be in their own world, unconcerned with everyone else.

“That's a sad story,” Yuri said simply, knowing that was more than a bit of an understatement. But, like usual, he couldn't find the right words to express what he was feeling. “But why are you worried?”

“The poem Viktor picked… it's one of the last poems Hikaru Sugamoto wrote before he died.”

“Oh,” Yuri said, not sure what else he could say.

Yuuri and Yuri watched from the catwalk as Emil and Mickey worked together. Every so often, they'd hear Phichit's laugh filtering down the stairs from the dining room. Outside, they'd been able to hear Mila and Sara singing together but that's fallen quiet a few minutes ago and neither Yuri thought much of that.

“As you count down the days, I’ll count up the reasons,” Yuuri said, his mind still thinking about the poem. “The line ‘I’ll count up the reasons’ is repeated six in the poem and I'm afraid what the next line is supposed to be. Like, it could be the first time it's said: As you imagine tomorrow, I'll remember the seasons.” Yuuri shook his head. “That’s still… well, I don't like it, but it's better than the last line of the poem.”

“What's the last line?” Yuri asked, a little afraid of the answer.

“ _'As you count down the days, I’ll count up the reasons,'_ ” Yuuri repeated, squeezing his eyes shut like he didn't want to remember a poem that, for all its sadness, had once been a favorite of his. “ ' _The reasons I soon will be dead.'_ ”

_\---_

__  
_“There are flowers blooming on your favorite path,_  
_But you’re not here to see them._  
_Back then, the days went so fast,_  
_And now they’re turning slowly._

_As you count down the days, I’ll count up the reasons.  
As you imagine tomorrow, I’ll remember the seasons._

_I sit and I write under your favorite tree,_  
_And suddenly, all your thoughts are open to me._  
_When you were here last,_  
_The tree was all green._  
_Now it is barren,_  
_And my heart’s slowly broken._

 _As you count down the months,_  
I’ll count up the reasons.  
I’ll count up the reasons I miss you.

 _As you count down the weeks,_  
I’ll count up the reasons,  
And hope that you are okay.

 _As you count down the minutes,_  
I’ll count up the reasons,  
The reasons I’m losing my way.

 _As you count down the seconds,_  
I’ll count up the reasons,  
The reasons I soon will be dead.”

_Viktor looked about ready to cry and Yuuri looked at him worriedly. Viktor had his head in Yuuri's lap and his arms were held tightly around Makkachin. Like usual, the old dog was more than willing to allow Viktor to use him as a giant teddy bear. Makka was getting old and he'd only become calmer in his old age._

_“Darling, I don't want this to upset you too much.”_

_“I'm fine,” Viktor insisted, unconvincingly. “It's not my fault this is really sad.”_

_“I did warn you that reading all their poems would be sad.”_

_“I know, but I thought I'd be fine,” he said with a pout, making Yuuri chuckle._

_“You're just a kind person, of course, you're upset.”_

_“I'm not kind,” Viktor shot back. This was a conversation—Yuuri refused to call it an argument—they had a lot. “I insult people by accident all the time.”_

_“But you feel bad about it,” Yuuri told him with a sigh. “Viktor, I'd you weren't a nice person, you wouldn't have stayed with me.”_

_“Maybe I'm just using you for your body,” Viktor insisted, looking up at Yuuri with mischievous eyes._

_“Then you're very kind to think my body is worth–”_

_“Yuuri,” Viktor whined, “Don't say that!”_

_“Sorry,” Yuuri smiled apologetically at Viktor. “I'm trying.”_

_“I know, Love.” Viktor leaned his face into Yuuri's abdomen, his voice muffled as he spoke. He loved Yuuri when he was working out and his abdomen was like a board. He also loved Yuuri when he wasn’t thinking at all about his weigh and his middle was soft. “You are so beautiful and I wish you could see that.”_

_“I might not be able to see it, but I believe you,” Yuuri said, leaning over to his the top of Viktor's head. “Do you want me to keep reading?”_

_“Is the next poem happier?”_

_“Darling, this isn’t going to get much happier from here.”_

_Viktor turned his head to pout at Yuuri, “Fine. I still want to hear the next one.”_

_Yuuri cleared his throat and turned to the next page, reading a poem by Alexander Verns that was a response to Hikaru Sugimoto’s last poem._

_“Let my garden be blackened,_  
_Let my flowers all die._  
_If that’s what you want,_  
_I’m happy to oblige._

 _But there’s one thing I must have,_  
I’m begging you, please,  
Don’t take the life I love more than me.

 _Melodramatic, I know you are not._  
_Loving and lovely, you are._  
_So please, please, My Love,_  
_Don’t take away,_  
_The one thing in life,_  
_That gets me through the day._

 _I sit and I write this,_  
_From your favorite spot,_  
_Which I won’t sully but describing it with this human tongue._  
_But just to remind you,_  
_The water’s still clear._  
_And I hope that’s enough,_  
_To tide you over until we meet again here.”_

_“Yuuri?”_

_“Yeah, Viktor?”_

_“If we weren’t able to be together, what would you do?”_

_“It would never happen.”_

_Viktor tilted his head up to look at Yuuri, whose face was serious. “Huh?”_

_“I would never let anything keep us apart. I would go to the ends of the world for you. Wouldn’t you do the same for me?”_

_Yuuri was a little afraid of Viktor’s answer._

_“Oh, course,” He said with a big smile. “Being away from you for more than a week or two would be torture.”_

_“Then let’s neither of us get lost,” Yuuri suggested, making Viktor’s smile._

_There was a long silence between them where they simple stared happily at each other, huge smiles painted on their lips. Their eyes were full of matching love that made both of them feel secure._

_“What was the name of that last poem?” Viktor asked, finally breaking the silence._

_“‘The Clear Waters of Home’,” Yuuri informed him._

_“Yuuri, what do you think home is?”_

_“Where did that come from?” Yuuri asked._

_“Just thinking about it.”_

_“Well, for me, home is right here, in my lap.” When Viktor blinked confusedly at him, Yuuri leaned over and kissed Viktor, only pulling away when he needed to breathe. “You’re home, Darling. Whenever we’re together, I’m home.”_

_Viktor smiled even wider, grabbing at the back Yuuri’s head to force their lips to meet. Yuuri accepted the motion and let the book of poems slide from his lap and onto the floor as they repositioned themselves. Makkachin huffed and jumped off the bed, trotting slowly to his bed to sleep, thinking his dads were being silly again. He knew that when his dads were silly, he wouldn’t get any attention so sleep seemed like a good option._

_When Viktor said, in a breathless whisper, “Yuuri, I love you.” Yuuri knew that it was just so true that Viktor was home. For better or for worse, Yuuri felt then that he was tied to this man for life and, surprisingly, that didn’t scare him._

_“I love you too, Viktor.”_

__He had the world at his fingertips and Yuuri felt so, so safe.__  
  
\---

“All I'm saying is, my buddy and I want to have some fun.” Phichit leaned towards the two strangers. “Wouldn't a bet be more fun? Right Seung-gil?”

“Phichit, you know I've never played billiards.”

“Seung-gil!” Phichit whined. “You're not helping.”

“Actually, I think that sounds pretty good,” one of the two said. “I'm Elijah.”

“I'm Paul,” the other man held out a hand to shake and Phichit took it, smiling widely. “Let's play a game.”

“So what are we betting?” Phichit asked. “I was thinking 100 muns from each person.”

“100–!” Paul huffed. “Are you crazy? We’re not betting that kind of money.”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize we were playing for small change.” Phichit sighed. “What’s more up your alley, then? 2 muns each? Some hard candy? What’s your bet.”

“Asshole, we just don’t want you to lose that much money,” Elijah insisted.

“Oh, wow, such chivalry,” Phichit said sarcastically. “But I’m here to play for some real money.”

“Your friend has never played pool before,” Elijah pointed out.

“And? I trust him to still win.” Phichit flashed a smile at Elijah. “God’s watching over me.”

“Fine, whatever.” Elijah rolled his eyes. “The side that loses gives the winners 200 muns.”

“Now, there’s a wager worth coming into town for.” Phichit smiled wickedly at Seung-gil. “Let me explain the rules.”

It had been Phichit’s idea to come into town to relax that night. He’d convinced everyone but Mila and Sara to go out to the local bar, using his easy smile and natural way with words.

Also, he’d pointed out that a drink might do them all some good.

Mila had explained she was tired and wanted to stay on the ship. Sara had pointed out she still had laundry to fold and that she was feeling tired too. Yuri had called them old, they had laughed, and everyone had left without thinking any more about Sara and Mila.

“I think that’s enough,” Emil said to Mickey, taking his drink from him. “I’m cutting you off.”

“No fair!” Mickey shouted, earning him a glare from the bartender. “We’ve had the same drinks!”

“Well, I’m not a lightweight.” Emil smirked at Mickey. “And why do you want to drink so much, anyway?”

“It’s fun,” Mickey answered simply, leaning back in his chair and nearly toppling it over. Luckily, Emil noticed in time and stopped the chair from falling.

“Well, I think you’re having enough fun, then.” Emil had never noticed how relaxed Mickey was when he drank.

“Fine,” Mickey huffed, closing his eyes and sighing. “Emil?”

“Yeah?”

Mickey opened his eyes and turned to look at Emil, the open vulnerability in his eyes surprising.

“Thanks. For worrying.”

“I already told you it’s nothing.”

Mickey leaned over and pulled Emil into a hug and Emil swore Mickey was shaking a little. Emil didn’t know what to make of the hug or the way Mickey felt so small at that moment, deciding that was a conversation for another, less drunk time. Instead, his hugged Mickey back and waited for him to say something.

“I know you were the one who convinced Sara to apply to The Stellar Academy,” Mickey whispered. “I know you guys didn’t tell me because you felt bad that I followed you both off Malen but you shouldn’t.”

“Mickey–”

“I’m terrified of space and I’m terrified of everything happening right now but I’m still glad we’re here. Together. With you guys here it’s not as scary and I’m glad I’m here with you because it would be even worse if you two were off in space somewhere and I was alone on Malen.”

“Mickey,” Emil wondered if this was a good time to tell Mickey the secret he’d held onto for years. It probably wasn’t but even if he was only a little drunk, it was enough to make him feel more like sharing everything. “I didn’t follow Sara to The Stellar Academy. I followed you.”

Mickey pulled away from the hug and looked at Emil, confusion on his face.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, when I told Sara to go to space I told her she’d probably have to go alone. I would have stayed on Malen but when you said you were going too… Well, I didn’t want to be alone and I especially didn’t want to be apart from you. Sara’s like a sister to me. She is my sister. But you’ve always been my best friend.”

Mickey looked at Emil for a long time, seeming uncertain about what to say.

“I–” But before he could say anything, a commotion at the pool table caught everyone’s attention.

“You fucking liar! You said you never played pool!” Elijah shouted at Seung-gil, who looked unperturbed.

“I wasn’t lying, I’ve really never played billiards. But the physics of it are very simple. Once I got used to the friction from this old felt, it was easy to make the correct moves to win.” Seung-gil looked at Phichit. “That game was boring.”

Phichit laughed, turning to look at Elijah and Paul. “Okay, where’s out 200 muns?”

“Double or nothing!” Paul shouted, looking annoyed. “But we want to play something else.”

“What do you have in mind?” Phichit’s smile was lazy but everyone in the room could see how predatory his eyes were.

Paul looked around then pointed at the dart board. “Darts!”

“You know I’m terrible at darts,” Elijah muttered to Paul. “What about poker? Do you two play poker?”

“A little,” Phichit looked at Seung-gil. “What did you say about poker when we played it earlier?”

“That there’s too much chance in the game and that it wasn’t fun.”

“You only said that because you lost,” Phichit sang, before turning back to Elijah and Paul. “Your pick but if you lose, you owe us 400 muns.”

“Fine,” Elijah smiled, “Have you ever played bridge?”

Phichit’s smirk grew even more confident. “Is that your choice?”

\---

“Are they playing bridge?” Yuri asked, looking at the commotion some of his passengers were making. “How old are they, exactly?”

Yuri and Yuuri were sitting in a less crowded corner of the bar, both sipping at their drinks. Yuri had ordered a Moscow mule while Yuuri had opted not to drink tonight, instead ordering a hot tea. That order had earned him quite the look from the bartender but it was technically on their menu so he obliged.

“Phichit is kind of scary when he puts his mind to something,” Yuuri commented. “I wonder what he plans to do if they lose. He and Seung-gil don’t have any money.”

“I forgot about that,” Yuri shook his head. “They’re idiots.”

They fell into silence, watching the people in the bar and listening to the bits of conversation that would sometimes float out of the low din of indistinct noise. Yuuri’s eyes wandered around the bar but eventually, he ended up looking at Yuri again, the young man looking blankly off into space.

Yuuri had noticed that something seemed off about Yuri lately, from about when Seung-gil came aboard. He seemed almost spacey like his mind was always somewhere else. Yuuri was worried but unsure how to address that feeling. Yuri wasn’t exactly a forthcoming person and Yuuri really had no clue what he could say that wouldn’t scare Yuri into silence.

“Yuri?”

“What’s up?”

“Thanks for helping me go over Viktor’s letter.”

“It was a welcome distraction,” Yuri said, his face contorting for a moment as he realized what he said. He’d been about to take another sip of his drink but put it down, aware it was probably to blame for his slight oversharing.

“A distraction from what?” Yuuri asked, seeing his opening.

“Nothing.”

“Yuri.”

“It’s really nothing, okay.”

“Does it have something to do with whatever you’ve been working on in your room lately?” Yuri looked at Yuuri with confidence that fizzled when Yuuri continued, “Or is that just a distraction too?”

“I think you’re right about Viktor’s letter,” Yuri said, looking away. “He wants to be found and he wanted you to go west.”

“Yuri, you need to talk to someone.”

“I mean, why would anyone leave a letter like that if they didn’t want to be found?”

“I’m glad for your help and I’m here to help you too.”

“He’s obviously an idiot but he seems well-intentioned.”

“Yuri, stop ignoring me.”

“And I’m sure he’s fine.”

“Yuri, pretending your problems don’t exist doesn’t make you a good captain.”

Yuri clenched his fists, slamming them down on the table. “I fucking know!”

A few people turned to look at the noise but when Yuri didn’t say or do anything else, they went back to what they were doing.

“Yuri?”

“I know I’m not a good captain.”

“That’s not what I said.” Yuuri reached out to touch Yuri’s shoulder but then thought better of it and his hand retreated. “I just meant that you need to acknowledge what’s wrong.”

“What’s wrong is I’m not a good captain. What’s wrong is that Sara was right, I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Sara didn’t mean that,” Yuuri insisted. He hadn’t realized Sara’s earlier outburst had stuck with Yuri like it did but he guessed it made sense. Hearing a crew member question him like that, even if she took it back, must have been upsetting for someone who already seemed to be mostly pretending to be confident in himself.

“Yes, she did. She was angry but that doesn’t mean she was lying. Actually, I think it means it’s more truthful. She’s normally too nice to say things like that.”

“You know–”

“Don’t say I know what I’m doing because that's a lie.” Yuri shook his head. “I have no clue what I’m doing. None of us do. You’re the only one around here with an actual purpose.”

“You think I know what I’m doing?” Yuuri asked, an edge of anger in his voice that caught Yuri’s attention. “Yuri, I have no clue what I’m doing. I’m a 29-year-old poet trying to find his lost husband. I’m going to part of the universe some seasoned explorers told us not to go to and I’m taking a bunch of kids with me even though I don’t even know if Viktor is alive. I think every day about what I’ll do if I don’t find him and I have no idea. I think about what I’ll do if I find him dead. Even though you guys have proven yourself to be strong enough for this I gave serious thought to leaving you guys because I don’t know what’s waiting for me past The Edge.” Yuuri sighed, his anger bleeding away and instead he just looked tired. “My point is, I have no idea what I’m doing and that’s not really a problem. Nobody really knows what they’re doing. It’s about finding a reason, finding a purpose. And right now, your purpose is to get some idiotic poet to The Edge of the Universe to find his idiotic husband.”

“Sometimes I wish I’d never applied to The Stellar Academy,” Yuri whispered, refusing to look at Yuuri.

“Sometimes I think it would be better if I’d never met Viktor,” Yuuri admitted and Yuri looked up at him, surprise on his face. “Just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s true. If I hadn’t met Viktor then I wouldn’t have met all you and who knows what that could have changed. If you hadn’t been the captain of The Potya, I would still be hitchhiking with a new ship every jump and who knows what would have happened to me. You can’t question the past because you can’t change it, that’s what my therapist used to tell me and I might be a hypocrite for telling it to you, but it’s true. You can’t change the past. All you can do is your best in the present.”

“You really are a hypocrite,” Yuri commented as he took another sip of his drink, deciding he'd said so much already that he might as well finish this drink. “But maybe you're still right.”

They both fell silent, letting the rest of the night pass with little more than a few words. Seung-gil and Phichit ended up winning their bridge game and when it turned out their opponents only had 300 muns on then, Phichit very kindly allowed them to only give them that.

By midnight they were all tired and headed back to the ship, Phichit talking loudly to Seung-gil and Yuuri. Seung-gil seemed to be smiling just slightly at him and Yuuri was starting to really feel like Phichit was actually a pretty great person despite his trying to squeeze stories out of them.

Emil and Mickey were quiet, Emil focusing on Mickey not tripping and Mickey focusing on not falling asleep while standing.

Back at the ship, Sara and Mila were asleep in Mila's bed, though none of the crew or passengers knew that.

“Everyone, get some rest,” Yuri said when the returned to the ship. “We'll be leaving as early as possible tomorrow. Our next stop will probably be a bit riskier so I want everyone on top of things.”

“Sounds good, Captain,” Emil said with a smile. “I'll make sure he gets some water and then gets to bed.”

“Thanks,” Yuri offered before turning to head toward his room. “And thanks for everyone's help today.”

“Anytime,” Phichit said with a smile. “It's the least we can do.”

“I guess so,” Yuri shrugged. “But, well… I guess what I'm saying is thanks for being good people and junk. Thanks for letting me trust you.”

Before anyone could respond to Yuri's open compliments, he was gone and everyone was left to shrug at each other and head for their rooms.The day had been a little odd and quite tiring so they were all ready to sleep knowing that—at least for a lot of them—this was the first time they felt safe and happy in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a poet. Poems are fucking hard to write but I tried. Oh, and trying to write three poems in three different styles is even more fucking fun. 
> 
> I had more to say but I'm so tired. This chapter is trying to murder me. Originally it was going to be so short. Like I thought it would be too short to be a chapter and now here we are... I was supposed to be cleaning my room today but instead, I've been trying to finish this chapter. Minor editing plus finishing the last two scenes (boy do I hate them both but 'aint that the way of things) took me like six hours and now I'm gonna lay down. That said, I have a chapter and a half left to write before I'm really in the clear since I have next week's chapter written but then two unwritten chapters... 
> 
> Okay, I'm done complaining now. Thank you for reading!!! I love all of you. Double thank you's to those of you who comment and leave kudos, those mean the world to me. I can't even begin to thank those of you who have shared this fic too! 
> 
> Sorry this chapter is a little rough! (I am so tired I almost wrote 'ruff' instead of 'rough' help)


	12. Do You Know Why You Were Made?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saffron was a beautiful planet but its cities were filled with people who Yuri thought were pretty ugly. Clear Water Inc was a futuristic company but Emil thought they were pretty backward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working today (bleh) but luckily, I planned ahead and edited this last week so here we are! Chapter 12, somehow on time, and now I need to go before I'm late for work haha.

Inner Region Galaxy 33 was a large galaxy with, surprisingly, only one habitable planet. It was a big planet named Saffron that had air deadly to humans but the planet was beautiful. So, an enterprising space real estate company—Saffron Group—had built a complex of airtight buildings and glass ‘outdoor’ areas. It quickly became the fastest growing planet in the universe and was considered the premier place for the wealthy to live and especially the best place for the wealthy to raise a family.

The planet used to import poor laborers to work in the jobs the wealthier residents didn’t want, but human rights groups fought them until they stopped doing so. Luckily for Saffron, Placid Water Inc had finished its first working android and soon they were working for the people of Saffron. Saffronians loved to boast that they were the first robot run planet, which never seemed like much of a boast to Yuri. 

“This place gives me the creeps,” Mila commented quietly as they all got lunch together at a restaurant where they were served by androids that were strikingly lifelike. They weren’t in the best part of town—the area of Saffron near the spaceport was really the only seedy place on the entire planet—but all the shops and restaurants still had at least one android present. “How can you even tell the difference between them and people?”

“They have a serial number on their shoulders,” Emil explained. “It’s why they all wear sleeveless shirts.” 

“I don’t give a fuck about some androids,” Yuri said, his mouth full. “It’s the people here I hate.”

“That’s because you don’t like rich people,” Mila pointed out with a laugh. “Which is weird since you had government money growing up.”

“Government money isn’t as much as you’d think.” Yuri pursed his lips. “And I don’t hate rich people. I just hate these rich people. They’re all stuck up and think this planet is so great but what’s so great about having a couple of androids?”

“A couple of androids?” Emil sputtered. “This planet has the highest density of robots in the entire universe.”

“How do you know so much about this?” Phichit asked, looking interested. 

“All students on Malen have to do a research project their last year of school,” Sara explained. “Emil did his on androids. I think it was titled ‘The Use of Androids’ or something.”

“It was ‘The Use and Misuse of Androids by Placid Water Inc’ and you’re making it sound so boring.”

“I think that name is what makes it sound boring,” Mila said with a smirk, Emil turning to stick his tongue out at her petulantly. 

“Can we not talk about this?” Yuuri asked, looking uneasy. “There are androids all around and it’s rude to talk about people like this.”

“They’re androids,” Sara pointed out, taking a sip from her water before spitting it back into the cup. “What the hell is wrong with this water?”

Mickey took a sip and made a face too, “I think we’re too used to the ship’s water.” 

“No, there’s definitely something wrong with this water.” Sara raised a hand. “Excuse me? Can I get a waiter?” 

“Is something the matter?” A voice asked from behind Sara, making her jump. She hadn’t even heard the android walk up behind her. 

“Yes, I think there’s something wrong with your water.”

“One moment please.” The android smiled and disappeared, whisking away Sara’s water as she did. 

“It’s just unsettling.” Sara shook her head. “They’re so realistic. And how can you know who they’re really working for?”

“These androids are Class 2,” Emil chimed in to respond to Sara’s first comment, earning him a groan from Mickey and Mila. “They’re not the most human of the androids but they’re meant to imitate the type of customer service you’d get from a top tier human employee.” 

“Wait, do you really know a lot about these androids?” Phichit asked, reaching for his notebook. “I started a story on them a while back but wasn’t able to find any credible leads. How did you get information?”

“They’re pretty willing to talk to a student doing a report on the great work they do,” Emil said with a smirk. “They weren’t super happy when my report was less than a five star review but very few people read it and they let it go.”

“What weren’t they happy about?” 

Before Phichit could answer, someone arrived at their table who seemed to be human. It made sense that most stores had a human manager, but it was surprising to see a human nonetheless.

“Hello, are you the table who complained about the water?”

“Yes,” Sara crossed her arms. “There’s something wrong with it.

“Yes, yes, you’re very right.” The man smiled in a way that was almost like the androids and that was somehow more unsettling than seeing the robots smile too widely. “It seems one of our kitchen models malfunctioned and instead of lemon, was flavoring the water with parsley. You seem to be the only table affected, so thank you for bringing the problem to our attention.”

“Of course.” Sara’s face fell into a smile, looking like her normal, hospitable self. “All we really need is some clean water.”

“And that’s right on the way.” The man smiled, showing all his teeth in an unnatural way. Sara thought this was a product of working with androids for too long. Emil thought maybe he was just a little off as a person. “We’ll also be paying for the table’s meal today, so please don’t worry about the check.” 

“Thanks,” Yuri broke in, not wanting this man at the table anymore. He also didn’t really want to feel like he owed the man anything. “We don’t need you to do that, though.”

“Please, it’s our pleasure.” 

“Well,” Mila looked at Yuri pointedly. “If you insist.”

“We do.” The man smiled and all Yuuri could think was that he wanted to be out of this store and away from this man. “Now please, enjoy your meal. And rest assured, the defective model will be dealt with.”

“What?” Emil looked upset. “There’s no need to do anything drastic. I’m sure they just made a mistake.” 

“Mistakes aren’t made on Saffron.” The man’s smiled stayed in place but something in his face dropped. “Now, I’ll be taking my leave. I hope you all have a lovely stay on Saffron.”

\---

When they left the restaurant, Mila was the first to speak up.

“That was fucking weird, right?” 

“Guy must have a screw loose.” Yuri shook his head. “This place is fucking weird. We should leave as soon as we’re finished restocking everything.”

“It’s probably because we’re near the docks,” Phichit pointed out. “I know this planet doesn’t really have a working class but I think we’re in the bad part of town right now. Low-quality androids and weird humans trying to scrape by on a planet that only caters to tourists and the rich.”

“That’s probably what happens when you spend too much time with androids.” Sara shook her head. “You start acting like them.”

“Sara, what do you have against androids?” Emil asked, his voice more heated than any of them had ever heard. “They’re people too.”

“Are they?” Sara looked incredulous. “Because I’m pretty sure the whole point of androids is that they’re robots not people. They’re just robots that could be programmed to watch our every move.”

“Class 1 androids are nearly indistinguishable from humans!” Emil shouted, ignoring Sara’s second comment. His raised voice was also garnering some looks from passersby. “I can’t believe you’re so… anti-android!” 

Emil turned on his heel and stormed off, away from the group and the docks, leaving the rest of the group in a shocked silence. Sara was glancing at Mickey and Mila, her face saying that she had no clue what was happening. Yuri’s face was a stoic mask that gave nothing away, but the tilt of his head gave away some of his confusion. Mickey looked especially worried but he hesitated, unsure what he was supposed to do when Emil and Sara fought. 

Yuuri sighed and started after Emil, “I’ll go get him.”

“I’m coming too!” Phichit called, hurrying after Yuuri. 

“Okay.” Yuuri smiled at Phichit, who smiled back. “Why don’t you guys go back to the ship? We’ll meet back there.” 

“Okay,” Yuri responded, watching them go before gesturing for everyone else to follow. “Let’s go.”

\---

“Emil!” Yuuri called, trying to get the young man to slow down. “Emil, wait up! It’s just me and Phichit.” 

After a few more steps, Emil stopped moving. His shoulders were hunched and when Yuuri and Phichit caught up, they could see he looked upset. Yuuri wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Emil look this upset, though he guessed that wasn’t because Emil was never unhappy. 

“Sorry for running off,” He mumbled. “We can go back.”

“It’s fine.” Yuuri put a hand on Emil’s shoulder and smiled sympathetically. “Why don’t we sit down for a little.” 

“But everyone else–”

“Can wait.” Yuuri started to lead Emil towards what looked like a park. “The Potya isn’t finished being restocked anyway. We should talk.”

“I’m fine,” He insisted even as Yuuri was forcing him to sit down on a bench. 

The park was a small but pretty one. It was near the edge of the city so you could see out onto the surface of Saffron. The ground outside was a pink color, though Yuuri had no clue why it was that hue. The sky was a dark blue, the shade nearly indigo. It was a very bright planet thanks to its close proximity to the solar system’s sun, a blue colored star that was one of the biggest reasons for the atmosphere’s color. The planet’s closeness to the sun was one of the reasons life wasn’t possible on the planet’s surface, the other being the makeup of the atmosphere. Without the climate control systems, oxygen renewal systems, and radiation damping systems, this planet would be uninhabitable.

But when humans see something they like, they will try their damnedest to get it. 

The park itself was a simple one, some trees lining it to give the area a private feel. There were benches along the border of the park, situated under the trees to allow for shade during some of the day. Today, there weren’t many people in the park but Yuuri thought that was because it was summer here and the temperature was a little warm. He was used to the warm weather, his hometown was in a warm region, but he doubted the people on this planet wanted to sweat in public. He just thought they should lower the temperature if they disliked the heat enough to keep so many people indoors. 

But there were some people in the park, so Yuuri thought maybe the person in charge of temperature control liked the hot weather. Maybe it was one of the people here with them. Maybe the couple strolling in the shade or the young woman sunbathing out on the grass. He doubted it was the people sitting on the benches next to the one he chose since they looked younger than even Yuri. 

“Okay, Emil, what’s going on with you?” Yuuri asked, shaking his mind out of its wild imaginings. 

“I just can’t believe The Captain would even come here,” Emil admitted. “This place is full of slave drivers and I can’t believe we’re giving them our money. And Sara is so–” He shook his head. “I just never expected that from her.”

“I don’t think she really meant anything bad by it.” Yuuri bit his lip, thinking that Sara’s opinions might have nothing to do with dislike androids but wondering if he was wrong. “Have you guys ever talked about this?”

“Not really. They never seemed to care much about it when we were in school.” Emil shook his head again. “It’s stupid, I shouldn’t have stormed off. I just hate this place, it puts me on edge. I just wish the government would shut this down. Androids aren’t mindless robots. Even the class 3’s have enough of a mind to act sad if one of the other androids gets shut down.”

“How did you learn this?” Phichit asked, looking confused and surprised. “Clear Water definitely didn’t tell you that.”

“I hacked into their systems.” Emil’s voice was quiet. “They hadn’t given me enough information so I found my own.”

“You never told me you were a hacker.” Phichit grinned. “Next time you should–”

“What Phichit means to say is now is not the time to talk about hacking anyone.” Yuuri glared at Phichit and he smiled innocently. “Soon we’ll be off of this planet.”

“I wish we could help.” Emil looked conflicted. 

“I know,” Yuuri wasn’t sure what to say to make Emil feel better because he was right. This was a pretty shitty planet but there just wasn’t much they could do. “But there isn’t much to do when you have problems of your own.” 

“I know…” Emil shook his head before grumbling, “It just seems like there’s nothing we can do about anything that’s wrong in the entire universe.” He sighed and stood. “Let’s just go back to the ship.” 

“Excuse me,” the group turned to look towards the young voice to their right. It turned out that one of the young men on the other benches had walked over while they weren’t looking. He had brown hair and tanned skin. His face was cheerful and young, but there was a layer of worry under his features. “Sorry for eavesdropping but do you three have a spaceship?”

“Umm…” Yuuri glanced at the other two. “Yes? Why do you ask?”

“My cousin and I are looking for a ride to ORG-5. We can pay whatever you ask but we need a ride and so far none of the ships would take us. And all our immigration paperwork is in order. Everyone seems to assume we’re fugitives but I swear, we’re just immigrants.”

“Well…” Yuuri looked past the young man and saw that the other young man—he wasn’t sure he could even call these two men—looked small and scared. Even so, he had a kind and almost cute looking face, his hair also brown like the first man’s but his skin was much lighter. The two didn’t really look related but Yuuri guessed they _could_ be cousins. “Why don’t you come back with us. I can’t make any promises but we can put a good word in with the Captain.”

“Thank you.” The young man looked relieved. “I’m… umm… Leonard by the way. And this is Gregory, my cousin.”

Gregory stood and walked over, bowing a little as he fidgeted nervously. His eyes were darting around, never landing on anything for long and not even skimming over Yuuri, Phichit, and Emil. He kept tugging at his sleeves like he was uncomfortable and maybe he was since no matter how light the shirt looked, it was a but hot to be wearing a long sleeve shirt. 

“Thank you,” He said, his voice quieter and higher than Leonard’s. He sounded scared but hopeful like this was his last chance. At what, Yuuri couldn’t be sure but he wasn’t going to turn them away without at least asking the rest of the crew. Maybe Yuri or Sara would know what to do. 

“Don’t thank us yet.” Yuuri smiled at the two young men. “Wait until we’re on board.”

\---

Mickey was the first person to meet them when they arrived back at The Potya. Yuuri noticed him make a move to touch Emil but then pull back, looking uncertain. Yuuri couldn’t be sure if that was because he was uncertain about giving physical affection of if he didn’t know how Emil was feeling. Either way, he pulled away before looking at the two strangers. 

“Can I ask who the hell these kids are?” Mickey raised an eyebrow before adding, “If you three kidnapped them, I’m leaving you here.”

“Wow, Mickey,” Sara laughed, appearing from The Potya. “I didn’t know you could make jokes.” 

“Sara!” 

Sara laughed before turning to smile at Gregory and Leonard, seeming unafraid of them in a way she hadn’t been of other strangers-turned-passengers. Yuuri guessed it had a lot to do with them being so young. “And who are you two?”

“We’re looking for a ride, Miss.” Leonard stepped in front of Gregory, obviously protective of the other boy. “Nobody else will take us but it is of the utmost importance that we get to ORG-5. We can pay anything.”

“Anything?” Yuri appeared and Yuuri wondered how long he’d been listening. “For a ride all the way to ORG-5, we charge 5000 muns.”

“We can pay that.”

“Each.” Yuri leaned back, his arms crossed as everyone else looked on, dumbfounded. They’d never seen Yuri ask for any money from their passengers let alone 5000 muns each. Even when he wasn’t all that onboard—Emil still couldn’t believe he agreed to let Phichit come with them—he would still let them on for nothing. Then again, this was the first time they’d come in contact with passengers who had any real money. Or any money, given Phichit and Seung-gil’s monetary standing until recently being completely broke.

“Each?” Leonard blinked, his eyes looking lost before he nodded and turned to Gregory, talking to him quietly but not quietly enough to be unheard. “You need to go on alone.”

“Leo!” Gregory looked like the thought was too much for him to handle. “I’m not leaving without you.”

“You have to. I’ll get more money then come after you but it’s important you get there as soon as possible.”

Gregory looked like he was shaking and like he wanted to reach out of Leonard. 

“I can’t– I don’t– Without you–”

“You’ll be fine.” Leonard smiled assuredly, putting his hands on Gregory’s shoulders. “I’ll be right behind you.” 

“Why exactly do you need to get off planet so badly?” Yuri asked as Leonard turned around. “Please explain that to me, Leo.” 

“Leonard,” He corrected. “Only my family calls me Leo.”

“Answer the question.” Yuuri wasn’t sure what Yuri was doing and he was worried Yuri might have lost it while he was gone. These two we kids after all and he was attacking them like he’d just witnessed them murder someone. “Why do you need to get off planet?”

Leonard looked annoyed before sighing and pulling papers out of his pocket, walking to hand them to Yuri. 

“You’ll see here that our papers are in order and we’d like you to stop asking questions.”

“My ship, my rules.” Yuri scanned the materials before beckoning Emil over. He handed him the papers and gestured for him to go inside. “Check these out, will you?”

“Captain–”

“Do it.” 

“Yes, Captain.” Emil looked distraught and like he didn’t know Yuri anymore. 

“Now, Leo, answer the question if you want to get on this ship.” 

“Gregory has a rare birth defect,” Leonard said through gritted teeth, glaring at Yuri. “The only place we can get treatment for it is in ORG-5. Please, he doesn’t have a lot of time left.”

“Sounds fishy.” 

Before Leonard could respond, Emil returned. 

“They’re clean.”

Without looking at Emil or the documents, Yuri took a step towards Leonard and Gregory. 

“Well, you two, welcome aboard.” Yuri smiled but he was the only one doing so. Everyone else’s faces were caught somewhere between confusion and shock. “Well? Hurry up, we’re leaving. Sara, Mickey, we need to talk about routing.”

Then he turned and left, Mickey and Sara taking a few moments to stare at each other in confusion before following Yuri onto the ship. 

“What the hell was that?” Phichit asked, looking at Yuuri and Emil even as they were both shaking their head.

“I’ve never seen him act like that.” Emil scratched the back of his neck. “I guess I should go check the engines before we leave.” 

He handed Leonard back his documents then disappeared, leaving only Yuuri and Phichit with the two newcomers. 

“I’m sorry about that,” Yuuri said, trying to sound as apologetic as possible. “I don’t know what got into him. I’ve never seen Yuri act like that.” 

“It’s fine.” Leonard sighed, looking relieved but still a little scared. Behind him, Gregory looked petrified but there was something in his eyes that was hopeful. “I’m just glad we’re finally getting off this planet.”

Yuuri nodded, “Come on, we’ll figure out where you two are sleeping.”

\---

Phichit ended up taking the two on a tour as he seemed to have taken a liking to them. Surprisingly, that seemed to not be motivated by looking for a story. Yuuri thought he and Phichit were decent friends now but he couldn’t deny that their first interaction had been mostly one-sided because Phichit wanted a story from Yuuri. Or, more than one-sided since Yuuri had been pretty hostile initially. 

With Gregory and Leonard gone, Yuuri headed to the control room to find Yuri. There had to be something going on to make him so hostile and Yuuri wanted to know what it was. The past few weeks, Yuri had been tired and seemed afraid of making decisions. Now, suddenly, he was acting like a completely different person.

“We’re still going to jump to IRG-39.” Yuri was standing over Mickey, who was seated at the maps console. Yuri was pointing out things on the screen, though from this distance, Yuuri couldn’t see much of what was happening. “But then let’s go up to IRG-40 instead. Take us into IRG-40 somewhere uninhabited.” 

“Yuri.”

Yuri didn’t acknowledge Yuuri, pointing something else to Mickey. “If you can get us directly to IRG-72, that would be ideal. Otherwise, route us through IRG-71. Got it?”

“Yes, Captain.” Mickey went to work making a route for Sara, who was currently busy going through the many steps to getting off Saffron. Yuuri thought a planet like this should have a spaceport but Saffron insisted ships land directly on the surface. Yuuri suspected they wanted to make it hard for outsiders to come planetside unless they were paying tourist. 

“Yuuri.” Yuri stood up straight, arms crossed. “Do you need something?”

“What happened down there?”

“Excuse me?” 

“You just attacked those kids out of nowhere, you’ve never done that before.”

“Kids…?” Yuri looked confused before his face returned to its careful neutral. “Oh, Greg and Leo?”

“I don’t think that’s what they like being called.”

“Too bad.” Yuri raised an eyebrow as if he was daring Yuuri to challenge him. Yuuri thought about it but let it slide. He wasn’t Yuri’s father and he wasn’t going to admonish him at every turn. “And why don’t you get all the facts before you make accusations.” 

“That’s what I’m saying.” Yuuri pursed his lips before his mind caught up with what Yuri meant. “Fine, what are the facts?”

“The fact is that they didn’t stumble upon you three by accident.”

“How–”

“They’ve been following us all day; since we left the ship.” Yuuri gaped at Yuri, who only smirked. “I noticed them when we got off the ship, while we were talking to the stocker. Then they followed us when we went to lunch. They were sitting near enough to us I think they could hear our conversation. Then, when you went after Emil I saw them go after you.”

“And you let them go anyway?” Mickey asked, turning to look at Yuuri and Yuri.

“I didn’t think they were dangerous.” Yuri shrugged. “And it’s not like anyone on this ship is helpless. Emil and Phichit could probably beat you in a fight, Mickey, and I know they could take those two.”

“So you were grilling them because?” Yuuri pulled the conversation back to Gregory and Leonard. 

“I needed to make sure they were clean. You’ll remember we did that when you first came aboard. Mila has her methods and I have mine.” Yuri shrugged again before brushing past Yuuri, who thought that he was acting strange even if his actions made more sense now. “I’m going to my room, call me if you need anything. I have work to do and I won’t be having dinner tonight.”

“Captain–” Sara turned away from the control panel, having a few minutes of waiting in front of her before she could really begin takeoff. 

“This isn’t up for discussion.” 

“Yuri–” But Yuri left before Yuuri could say anything, disappearing into the hall and then into his room. Yuuri turned to look at Mickey and Sara. “He’s acting weird, right?”

“Yah…” Sara shook her head, turning back to her control panel. “It’s probably nothing, though.” She leaned over, turning on the ship’s intercom. “Take off in thirty seconds. Say goodbye to Saffron, everyone.” 

\---

Yuuri was in the middle of making dinner when he heard footsteps on the stairs, followed by a quiet voice.

“Do you need any help?”

“Oh,” Yuuri turned to look at Gregory. “No, I’m okay. Thank you.” Yuuri paused, noticing how uncomfortable Gregory looked. “Do you want to help?”

“I usually cook Leo’s dinner.”

“Then you can help if you want.” Yuuri smiled softly at the boy, glad when he smiled back. “Are you the only one who calls him Leo?”

“Ah!” Gregory looked like he’d been caught in a lie, which was confusing to Yuuri. “I should really call him Leonard. He… well, he only recently started using Leonard and I’m still not used to it.”

Yuuri smiled, “I remember how my mom used to call me Yuu and so my friends started doing it to. When I got older though, I insisted everyone call me Yuuri since Yuu sounded so childish.”

Gregory nodded like he didn’t know what to say but also wanted to be polite. 

“Can you peel these carrots?” Yuuri asked. “It’s been so long since we’ve had fresh carrots but Saffron apparently has the best carrots on this side of the universe.” Yuuri laughed. “Maybe that was just an exaggeration, though.”

“I don’t know, I’ve never had carrots,” Gregory admitted. “But Leo– Leonard likes them.”

“And you’ve never had them?” Yuuri tilted his head to the side, trying to figure out what about Gregory seemed off. It wasn’t a feeling that the teenager was untrustworthy but just that he was a bit odd. And that maybe he was hiding something. Maybe Yuri had just gotten into Yuuri’s head. 

“No…” Gregory looked lost for a moment. “My parents never let me eat them. They didn’t like them, I think.”

“Oh.” Yuuri turned back to his preparations. “So, where’s Leonard?” 

“The Captain is talking to him.” Yuuri turned to look around the room as if it would explain how he hadn’t heard Leonard walk through. As if he understood, Gregory smiled with a little bit of pride on his face. “Leo is pretty quiet if he needs to be. I don’t think he wanted to bother you.”

Yuuri shook his head, wondering when he got so soft. Not that long ago, nothing would have gotten past him like that but this ship had made him soft. It was a lot like how soft and peaceful Viktor had made him even though they were still living on one of the more dangerous planets in the universe. 

“I wonder what Yuri wanted to talk to him about…” Yuuri was worried what Yuri could be saying. “Oh, I talked to Phichit and Seung-gil and if you and Leo don’t mind sharing a bed, Phichit was going to move to the bunk with Seung-gil.” 

“That sounds fine.” Gregory smiled another soft smile, his face far off in what Yuuri assumed was memory. “It’ll be like when we were kids. I remember– ouch!” 

Yuuri turned and saw that Gregory had his finger in his mouth, the peeler laying on the counter. 

“Let me get a bandaid,” Yuuri said, heading for the small first aid kit near the wall. “Is it a bad cut?”

“No, it’s not bad,” Gregory said, taking his finger out of his mouth as he looked for paper towels or a napkin to stop the minimal bleeding from his finger. When he didn’t find anything, he just waited for Yuuri to return with a bandage. “It was just a knick.” 

“Here,” Yuuri said as he handed the bandage to Gregory, surprised by how little blood there was. The cut looked pretty big but the blood was minimal. Maybe Yuuri was just over exaggerating the amount of blood there should be. “Does it hurt?”

“Not too much.” Gregory smiled tiredly at Yuuri like he was thinking about something else entirely. “I’ve had worse.”

“Still…”

“I’m okay. Sorry if I worried you.” 

“It’s okay,” Yuuri put a hand on Gregory’s shoulder. “Why don’t you let me finish? You can sit and keep me company.”

“I can–”

“I know.” Yuuri smiled widely at him, hoping against hope that he could put Gregory at ease. “But you don’t have to.”

Gregory’s eyes lit up at the words and he nodded, moving to sit at the kitchen table without any more disagreement. 

\---

Yuri was sitting cross-legged at his desk, the papers and notebooks that were usually piled on it were on the floor and he had a computer out. The room was dimly lit and cold, which was exactly how he liked it because of how it reminded him of his home planet. His bed was unmade but still noticeably untouched and it would most likely remain that way for a while yet. Even though their ‘spring cleaning’ stop had been only a week or two ago, Yuri’s room had already returned to its usual state of chaos and would stay that way until one of them barged in again to clean and force Yuri to get a full night’s sleep. 

Yuri was used to their tricks but he let them think he didn’t know because deep down, he was just glad to know someone cared about him enough to worry. He didn’t want them to worry—didn’t want anyone to worry because he was the captain and worrying should be his job—but he still liked how it felt because the worry felt a little bit like love. 

A knock at his door alerted Yuri to the fact that Leonard had actually shown up and that told Yuri that he didn’t suspect anything. Then again, why would he suspect anything given how well concealed his trail had been. 

“Come in,” Yuri called, turned towards the door to watch Leonard enter. Well, ‘Leonard.’ 

“Captain, you asked to see me?”

“You can just call me Yuri.” Yuri smiled at his guest. “We’re all friends here, right Leo?”

“It’s Leonard.”

“You know, it’s funny.” Yuri turned back to his computer. “I did some checking up and while all your papers were in order and there is some cursory information about Leonard de la Iglesia, when you dig a little deeper that person doesn’t actually exist.” Yuri looked at ‘Leonard.’ “But, there is a Leo de la Iglesia.” 

“I’m not sure what information you’re looking at, but it’s wrong.”

“And then there’s Gregory Bennett. He exists and is the cousin of a certain Leo de la Iglesia but, strangely, there’s nothing about him for about ten years then, in the last six months, he pops up suddenly.” Yuri could practically feel the young man tensing his body, his muscles coiling like he was ready to either run or fight. “I did a little more digging and your story about Gregory having a chronic illness is not a lie either but based on the information I found, he wouldn’t have lived past age 10. Strange how Gregory was born twenty years ago and yet when he reappeared this year, he was suddenly 16.”

“What do you want?” The fight when out of Leo and he sighed, his shoulders falling and his eyes looking like he was on the edge of tears. “I can get you any money you want. Just don’t hurt him.”

“All I want is the truth.” Leo looked up at Yuri, surprised to find all the arrogance gone from his face. He looked genuinely concerned, or as much so as Leo thought the young man ever let himself look. “What are you running from?”

“I can’t– it’s too dangerous–”

“Can you give me your names? Can you tell me anything? I want to believe that you’re both good people but I need to know. I know you were following us on Saffron and I know that you picked Emil, Yuuri, and Phichit because they were the ones who seemed the most trusting. I need to know my crew and my passengers are safe. We all have secrets and I need to know yours.”

“You’re government.” Leo closed his eyes, his hands shaking fists at his sides. “You’ll turn us over–”

“We’re not government.” Yuri bit his lip, deciding that for as confused as he was by Leo and ‘Gregory’, he didn’t think they were military either. There was nothing in their past that pointed to any military connection. “Not really. We’ve been on the run for a while now. We’re deserters.” 

“Deserters…?” Leo looked at Yuri. “Why?”

“I get to have some secrets too.” Yuri’s face had fallen into a mask of disinterest. “But I can tell you everyone on this ship has one secret or another, you’re not the first one or the last, I’m sure. So I just need to know more about you two to make sure I can trust you and that you’re not going to put us in danger.”

Leo sighed, “His real name is Guang Hong and he isn’t my cousin. He’s my best friend and we grew up together.”

“Why did you need to leave Saffron?”

Leo looked Yuri in the eyes, keeping harsh eye contact, his lips a line. He was still shaking a little when he finally gave up and told their story.

\---

The dinner table was tense despite Phichit’s attempt to lighten the mood. It didn’t help that nobody but Yuuri seemed interested in engaging with Phichit. Mickey and Emil were sitting next to each other but not talking. Emil wouldn’t even look at Sara, his eyes glued to his plate the entire time. Mila kept looking worriedly towards the door to the control room like she thought Yuri might appear. Seung-gil, as usual, was quiet and the most response Phichit could get out of him was a growl of annoyance. Once Phichit had been able to get him to blush, but that hadn’t happened again. 

Gregory was obviously worried, he kept checking behind him as if his worried looks could call Leonard. He'd barely touched his food and Yuuri thought he was going to have to force him to eat. But then, like a god was watching them and decided they'd been tortured enough, the door open and both Yuri and Leonard appeared.

The first thing Yuuri noticed was the despite the serious look on Yuri’s face and the shaky, uncertainness of Leonard, there was definitely something different about the way Yuri was acting. There was also something different about how the two of them were interacting in the same space. Yuri’s face was serious and blank but Yuuri thought he caught hints of concern, protectiveness, and—maybe—comradery. 

“Leo!” Gregory called, jumping from his seat to head towards Leonard. He stopped short half way there, looking conflicted, but Leonard closed the distance and pulled Gregory close to him, leaning their foreheads together as he spoke quietly to Gregory. 

At the table, everyone shifted uncomfortably as they waited for some cue to explain what was happening. Yuuri was sure he wasn’t the only one who could feel the less than platonic love in Leonard’s gesture and who was more than a little uncomfortable with it.

After Leonard and Gregory talked for a little, Yuri tapped Leonard on the shoulder and he stepped away from Gregory. They both then turned to the group and bowed.

“We want to apologize for lying to you,” Leonard said. “But we were worried about who we could trust and who we couldn’t.”

“Lying?” Emil was the first one to speak up. “About what?”

“Just about everything.” Leonard stood up straight and blinked slowly at the group, Gregory straightening next to him. “My real name is Leo de la Iglesia and I’m the son of a Saffronian councilwoman.”

“My name is Guang Hong,” Gregory—Guang Hong—said quietly. “And I’m not Leo’s cousin.” 

“But why lie?” Phichit asked. “And why leave at all?”

“That’s enough questions–” Yuri started to say but Leo put his hand up to stop him. “Leo, you don’t have to–”

“It’s fine.” He smiled at Guang Hong. “Are you okay?”

“Yes…” 

Guang Hong took a breath and looked first at his feet then he smiled at Leo. Finally, he turned his eyes to the group and finally spoke, his voice quiet but holding more strength than anyone had heard from him up to this point. 

“I am–” Guang Hong swallowed, his voice louder when he spoke, the small hints of uncertainty suddenly gone. “I’m a type of Class 1 android called a Living Doll.”


	13. In Another Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In another life, things were much simpler. 
> 
> In another life, things were much easier. 
> 
> In another life, things made sense.

“I’m sorry, what?” Sara was the first person to recover from the shock of Guang Hong’s revelation. “You’re a what?”

“An android.” Guang Hong looked at his feet. “I was created as a four-year-old child when Leo was five. It was my job to make sure Leo was always taken care of and that he was never alone.” 

“And you were just going to, I guess, not tell us that?” Sara looked angry and confused. “You’re putting us all in danger.”

Guang Hong shrunk away from Sara, away from everyone, but Leo just glared at Sara. Even so, Yuuri could tell he was afraid. 

“Oh, come off it, Sara.” Emil’s voice was twisted with anger that would have seemed out of character a few days ago but which, now, Yuuri realized wasn’t impossible for him. It was still uncomfortable to hear Emil talk like that, but it seemed more in character. Yuuri guessed that just like he had reached a breaking point after Malen, this was Emil’s breaking point. Maybe they were all breaking. “You don’t care about that and we all know it. You just hate androids.”

“Excuse me?” Sara stood, her chair nearly tipping over. “I didn’t realize worrying about my friends was a crime now.”

“Sara, he’s not completely wrong,” Mickey looked conflicted and like he didn’t want to take sides. “We’re probably a bigger danger to them than they are to us.”

“I’m sorry if I don’t trust someone who claims a robot loves him.” Sara crossed her arms. “He’s a robot! Leo over here is just some crazy person who’s deluded himself into thinking programming can fall in love.” 

“Guang Hong isn’t just a robot.” Leo took a step towards Sara but Guang Hong grabbed his arm. “No android is. Androids and robots aren’t the same things.”

“Leo, don’t,” Guang Hong begged. “Please calm down.”

“Don’t you care what she’s saying about you?”

“Do you really think that’s the worst thing anyone’s ever said to me?” Guang Hong asked, his voice small but his eyes strong. "Do you think words are the worst things that have been thrown at me?"

After a few moments of grasping for words, Leo finally spoke, his voice softer and more unsure. “That doesn’t make it okay.”

“No, but I know whose opinions to care about.” Guang Hong let go of Leo’s arm but then reached out again, this time to grab his hand. “You need to stop worrying so much about other people.”

“Sara, I think you owe Guang Hong an apology,” Emil crossed his arms but Sara wasn’t going to budge.

“I can’t believe all of you. Some Saffron councilwoman probably thinks we kidnapped her son and stole her property. Don’t androids have tracking software in them? They could be on our ass as we argue about this.”

“I had Guang Hong’s tracker deactivated years ago,” Leo asserted, finally finding his voice again. “None of you are in danger. If we’re found, it will be obvious that it’s only me to blame.”

“Admit you just hate having an android on board.” Emil wasn’t backing down from his anger but Sara seemed less than swayed. 

“Fine, I do! I’m sorry if I have no clue what an android could do to our ship. Sorry if I’m worried that the military could use an android to find us!”

“You don’t know what a human could do to our ship either and yet you’re fine with Yuuri and Phichit and Seung-gil.” Yuuri didn't think that was really true. “And what the hell does an android have to do with the military.”

“You know that the military can watch civilians through their computers and phones, why not their androids too?” 

“Okay, I think that’s enough for now,” Yuuri said, standing slowly with a careful smile on his face. “I think we all need to cool off for now.”

Yuri stepped forward, putting himself in front of Guang Hong and Leo. His face was placid but Yuuri swore he could seem the young man cracking. 

“If you have a problem with these two you can bring it up with me in private.” He crossed his arms. “And I agree with Yuuri, we all need to cool down.”

As he said that, the ship lurched, sending everyone standing to the ground and nearly sending the seated crew to the same fate. 

Sara was the first up, running towards the control room at full speed, her mind running through the possibilities of want could have happened. After her, Mila stood to offer Yuuri help up but Yuuri waved her off, feeling like he wasn't old enough to get that kind of treatment. Seung-gil turned to ask Phichit if he was okay, Guang Hong and Leo stood carefully before turning to offer Yuri help, and Yuri glared at their hands as if to say he was fine before standing in his own.

“Emil, get down to the engine room and see what's wrong down there. Mickey, go route us to the closest safe planet. Mila, help Emil.” All of them nodded and headed out. “Everyone else, head to your rooms… Or, I guess you can stay here if you want... We'll make an announcement when we know what's happening.” He turned to leave but the paused, the crack Yuuri had just seen seeming to widen. “I'm sure it's nothing.”

“What words of encouragement,” Phichit snorted when Yuri left. “Any idea what could have happened?”

“Probably the warp engine,” Yuuri commented. “They push that engine pretty hard.”

“Do you think…” Guang Hong paused before shaking his head. “Never mind.”

“What?” Leo asked, reaching out to touch Guang Hong’s arm. “What’s up?”

“I was just wondering if they’d want any help but… Well, it was a dumb thought.”

“It’s only Mila and Emil down there, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind the help. Or the company,” Yuuri commented. “Emil’s a damn good mechanic and Mila is pretty good herself so I don’t think they’ll need help but that doesn’t mean they won’t appreciate it.” 

“You’re sure?”

Yuuri smiled, “I’m sure. If you want, I can come with you. Or maybe Phichit, he’s pretty handy–”

“I’ll be fine.” Guang Hong smiled weakly back at Yuuri before looking like he made a mistake. “Sorry, I don’t mean I don’t want to spend time with either of you! I just didn’t want to–”

“It’s fine,” Phichit said, laughing. “You don’t have to apologize. I wouldn’t be much help down there, anyway. I’m more of a small machines kind of guy. This big stuff isn’t my area of expertise.”

“Neither is small stuff,” Seung-gil pointed out. “You’re only good at messing with cameras and old games. You're not even that good at the last part.”

“Rude!” Phichit crossed his arms, pouting his lips at Seung-gil before breaking and letting out a laugh. “But I guess you’re right.” He turned back to Guang Hong. “Go on downstairs, I’m sure Mila and Emil would love your help.” 

“Okay,” Guang Hong nodded. “Thank you for the advice.”

Before Yuuri or Phichit could tell him he didn’t have to thank them, Guang Hong slipped out of the room and towards the stairs, leaving Yuuri, Seung-gil, and Leo alone in the living area. 

“What do you want to ask?” Leo asked, taking a seat as Yuuri did too.

“What?” Yuuri asked, looking surprised. 

“I can see it on Phichit’s face,” Leo smiled at Phichit who was doing his best to look innocent. He was mostly failing that. “What do you want to ask?”

“Okay, like, I’m not doubting you or Guang Hong in any way, but I need to know…” Phichit shook his head. “I don’t know much about androids. There’s not a lot of information about them and the information there is I consider less than trustworthy.”

“So,” Leo leaned back in his chair. “What’s your question?”

“When did you realize Guang Hong was sentient? How did you know? How do you know? Do you think Placid Water knows they’re sentient? How do people on Saffron view androids? How did you fake your identity? How did you safely get off of Saffron? How–”

“Phichit, maybe ask one question at a time,” Yuuri suggested. “Aren’t you a journalist.”

“Sorry…” Phichit looked sheepish. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to ask someone anything interesting. I guess I got a little excited…”

Leo smiled though, gathering his words for a moment before speaking. Even though Phichit had asked nearly ten questions, Leo understood the heart of what most of them were asking and it was a question he could answer. Or, at least, it was a question he could try to answer. 

“The thing is… Guang Hong was programmed to do certain things. Be my friend and to act as a sort of butler or maid to me. A robot, something not sentient, would simply follow that programming and never break it, right?” Everyone nodded, staying silent. “Guang Hong was programmed to do everything for me but when I said I didn’t want him to do that, he found himself unsure what to do. His mind had been programmed — had been taught — that he wasn’t my equal and I was treating him like he was just another kid. A robot wouldn’t have paused. A robot would have simply done what I said. If I said, ‘stop treating me like I’m your master’ a robot either would have broken or followed those instructions to a tee. Guang Hong didn’t do either. He tried to continue to do what he was programmed to do but also to do what I’d asked.” 

Leo took a long pause, looking off into the distance while he tried to think of a way to explain what was, really, a vague feeling.

“Learning is sort of like programming the brain. Or like reprogramming it. But a robot can’t learn, it can only follow a set of strict rules. But androids are programmed more like a human is. They’re taught to do something. If you tell someone from birth that they are nothing and they’re worthless, then they’ll believe it. If you tell someone from birth that they have one job and if they don’t do that job, they’re useless and will be killed, then they’ll believe it. But like a person who’s told those things, if they are given input that is contrary to that, they pause. They think about what’s happening. Often, they try to go back to what they’re taught but if they relearn things — if they learn that they have worth and meaning beyond being a slave — then they can think something else. Guang Hong still feels strange when he’s not working, not doing something for other people. Especially, he feels strange when he’s not catering to my every need. But even when he felt strange and even if sometimes he tries to do what he was taught since birth to do, that’s changing. He’s getting better at being his own person. I mean, he basically talked back to me earlier. A robot programmed to treat me like a king would never do that.”

“And the love? How can you trust the love?”

“I didn’t hook him up to a computer and program him to love.” Leo shook his head. “And he wasn’t created to love me so… I can trust that love as much as you can trust any love.”

Yuuri looked down at his lap, thinking about how little love seemed to mean in this world. He’d trusted someone he loved and now look where he was—in the middle of the void, on a possibly broken ship, conversing about sentience while an android is downstairs helping fix the ship. 

He’d never really trusted people, at least not when he first met them. It took a long time for him to trust people as friends. It took even longer for him to trust their love, even platonic love. Romantic love took so long that most people left. Viktor hadn’t left. He’d stayed and waited out Yuuri’s skittishness. He’d been there through so much and Yuuri had learned to trust him. He’d learned to trust the love Viktor gave him so freely. 

And look where that love had gotten him. 

“Good point.” Phichit nodded, smiling. “Like I said, I wasn’t doubting you. Just wanted to hear your side of things.” 

“I’m used to doubts… I’m used to worse than doubts.” Leo shook his head. “I’m used to so much worse and Guang Hong… he’s right when he says he’s heard worse than what Sara said.”

“I’m sorry about her,” Yuuri wasn’t sure if he really had the right to apologize for Sara, but he felt like he had to. It would have all seemed so out of character a few days ago and even now it was still strange to see her so angry and… hateful. Yuuri could tell there was something else wrong but he didn't think that excused her behavior. “I really don’t think she means to be so… horrible.”

“It’s okay… She’s afraid and confused and I’m sure she’s never really met an android before so it makes sense. People have strange reactions to things they don’t understand. Phichit, you ask questions. The Captain becomes protective. I guess in this case, Sara just got angry. It’s scary to have the things you think you know turned upside down. If she’s still with this group, I’m sure she’ll come around.” Leo smiled. “And I think that if she really apologizes, then Guang Hong will be fine accepting that. And if Guang Hong is okay with it, then I am too. If she doesn’t or if he isn’t… well, we don’t need you to take us all that far.” Leo’s face turned sad. “And Guang Hong is very good at not being noticed.” 

“I’m sure she’ll come around,” Yuuri said. “She’s the one on this ship tried the hardest to get to know me when I first came aboard. She’s very friendly and a genuinely good person. I think once she has some time to cool off, she’ll be okay.” Yuuri thought for a moment. “I’m not trying to make excuses for her, but she has reason to be afraid. Everyone on this ship does. When she said she was worried about government tracking… well, I don’t think that was as much of a lie as Emil thought.” Yuuri looked at his lap. “Again, not an excuse… just thought you might like to know.” 

“Don’t worry, I understand.” Leo smiled faintly, then his smile widened as he seemed to relax. “I understand a little bit about being jumpy.”

\---

“Hello?” Mila and Emil turned in the direction of the small voice, surprised to see Guang Hong. “I was wondering if I could help.”

“Huh?” Mila looked quickly at Emil, then back at Guang Hong. “You want to help?”

“I like helping,” he offered, looking uncertain. “And I’m not the best mechanic but I’m pretty good at finding what’s wrong with machinery. And I’m good at following instructions so I could be helpful. Like, if you need to get in somewhere small…” Guang Hong bit his lip, looking like he was losing the little confidence he had. “If you don’t want me to help though, that’s fine. I can just go back upstairs.”

“No, it’s fine.” Emil smiled at him. “I’m not sure if we need your help but you’re more than welcome to stay.” 

Guang Hong smiled back at Emil, feeling comfortable around the man despite him being a head taller than him. There was just something about him that was comforting to Guang Hong. Maybe it was the fact that he’d staunchly stood up for Guang Hong earlier. Maybe it was because his demeanor reminded Guang Hong just a little of Leo’s. It wasn’t exactly the same but… well, it was similar. 

“Do you know what’s wrong?” Guang Hong asked, taking a few steps towards where Mila and Emil were standing. “Yuuri said he thought it might be the warp engines.”

“Yeah, he was right.” Emil would never stop being amazed by Yuuri’s knowledge of ships or his intuition. “I’m not really sure why, though.”

“We weren’t going all that fast in warp,” Mila explained. “But the ship’s systems forced an emergency shutdown of the warp engine. For now, we can really only wait for them to cool down and then hope it doesn’t happen again.” 

“Can I look around?” Guang Hong asked, earning him a slow nod from Mila and Emil. “I used to do basic mechanical simulations for five and six hundred series ships for fun. The 700 series is different, I’m sure, but there have to be some similarities.”

As Guang Hong started to poke around the warp drive, Emil and Mila shared another look. 

“You did mechanical simulations for fun?” Mila finally asked. “I didn’t think those were supposed to be fun.”

“They’re interesting,” Guang Hong said, his face held close to a small part that Mila had never really noticed before. “And it was something to do. So many other things are so dependent on reading.”

“Dependent on reading?” Mila asked, able to guess what he meant but hoping she was wrong. 

When Guang Hong didn’t respond, it was Emil who responded.

“Androids aren’t taught to read unless it’s integral to their job.”

“That’s terrible.” Mila shook her head. “Why are they so cruel?”

“They really weren’t that bad.” Guang Hong shrugged, knocking his shoulder against a pipe. “Not towards Living Dolls, at least. We’re not as… expendable as other models. I was built as a child to grow with Leo. That’s not an easy thing to do so Living Dolls are treated more carefully. It’s not a rule that we can’t read, just commonplace because it’s seen as unnecessary. If Leo decided he wanted me to be able to read, I’d be allowed to go back into the shop to be reprogrammed with reading capabilities.” 

“And why didn’t he do that?” Emil felt like that was something Leo would do.

“He doesn’t know I can’t read.” Guang Hong’s voice was barely audible, his face turned down and his hands still. “He’s never noticed and I wasn’t about to tell him.”

“Why not?” Mila asked, only for her question to be interrupted by Emil.

“But androids not being able to read is common knowledge. It’s not hidden at all.”

“Leo isn’t perfect,” Guang Hong admitted. “And he was raised on Saffron. He doesn’t always know everything you’d think he might because, on Saffron, nobody talks about those things. He was never told that androids can’t read and he never thought to look it up because to him, that isn’t something that would cross his mind. To him, it’s obvious that I can read even though he has no proof I can.” Guang Hong turned to look up at Mila and Emil. “If you’re born with blind spots, there’s no way to see them unless they’re pointed out.”

“Or unless that blind spot is exploited,” Mila said through pursed lips. “Why not tell him?”

“I don’t need to read.” His face told a story opposite to his words. “And I don’t want to upset him.”

“I think he’d want to know,” Emil offered, wondering if he was overstepping his bounds.

Guang Hong just shrugged, though, and then beckoned the two over. 

“I think I’ve found your problem. A loose connection that might be causing heat buildup in the engine room itself, making it harder for the engine to cool.” 

“Wow, I didn’t even see that.” Emil blinked at the tiny part Guang Hong was indicating. He’d not noticed the issue but now that Guang Hong was pointing it out, he could see that it might be a problem. “And that would explain why it felt like the engine room was getting hotter lately. Last time it got that hot I had to override the emergency stopping program. It makes sense that the computers thought something was wrong.” Emil smiled at Guang Hong as Mila went to find the right tool to fix the problem. “Thanks, you were a big help.”

Guang Hong blushed, looking at the floor.

“It was nothing really… just… thank you for letting me help and…” He looked up slightly, his eyes half looking at Emil. “And thanks for standing up for me.”

“Anytime.” Emil took the tool that Mila handed him and began tightening the problem area. “Really, anytime.” 

\---

“We’re good down here.” Emil’s voice sounded through the intercom. “Just need to cool the warp engine for a little then we should be good.”

“Okay,” Yuri responded, though Mickey wondered where he actually was right now. He’d come up into the control room to talk with Mickey about a planet to orbit for a little, then he’d disappeared. “We’re going to take the ship into orbit soon. We’ll make it a little bit of shore leave. Mickey, did you decide on a planet?” 

Mickey leaned over to turn on his intercom, “Sara’s taking us into a planet that has a pretty low population. The temperatures are cold and it seems like the place is covered in snow most of the year.” Mickey shivered unconsciously at the thought, wishing there was somewhere warmer they could stop. “It seems pretty safe. Not really on anyone’s radar since it’s not exactly a tourist location.”

“Did you figure out what was wrong with the engine?” Sara asked, interrupting Mickey. 

“Yeah, Guang Hong found it for us.” Mila was the one to say this. “And it’s a good thing too. If he hadn’t noticed it, this wouldn’t have been the last time our engines overheated.” 

“That’s good to hear,” Yuri responded. “Let’s get in orbit then go planetside to see what this place has to offer.”

“Will do,” Sara responded and the intercom went silent. 

As Sara typed information into the console, Mickey paused in his similar work. 

“Sara…”

“What?” Her voice was sharp like she could already hear what Mickey was planning to say.

“Are you doing okay?”

Sara paused, turning to look at Mickey even though he wasn’t looking at her. She hadn’t expected that question and even if she suspected this was going where she expected, it was a nice surprise. 

“What?”

“How are you?”

“I’m–” Sara shook her head, looking back at her console. “I don’t know anymore.” 

“It’s just… I don’t think you actually care much about Guang Hong being an android.” When Sara didn’t respond, Mickey continued. “You’ve been acting like this since our… confrontation with The Pavlova.”

“How exactly have I been acting?” Sara asked, her shoulders curling up towards her ears.

“Defensive.” Sara felt like she’d walked into that one. “And jumpy. When the Captain first brought Seung-gil on board you were fine with him until you noticed his jacket. There was no way we could know it was actually military issue, but the moment you realize it might be, you were skittish and jumpy.”

“And why wouldn’t I be? The Military was after us.”

“But they weren’t. The Pavlova let us go and they’d promise to keep The Military off our backs.”

“And how long will that last?” Sara didn't understand why everyone seemed so confident in The Pavlova’s ability to trick the military. “How long before the military realizes what's going on? How long before they send someone else? Someone who doesn't give a fuck about the Captain.”

“Sara, we're going to be okay.” Mickey squared his shoulders, hating to reprimand his sister but knowing someone had to get through her fog of anxiety and it wasn't going to be Emil. “You're a kind person and you can't keep lashing out like you have been.”

“Why not?”

“Because you don't really want to be, do you?”

Sara opened her mouth then closed his, her face falling. 

“I just– Mickey, I'm so afraid,” Sara admitted. “How did we get here?”

“We're doing the right thing.” Mickey hadn't been sure for a while about that but now he was sure. He looked at the people they were helping and thought that maybe there was something more important to do in this universe than isolate himself. And he was seriously considering the possibility that he was in the wrong line of work. “You should apologize to Guang Hong and Leo.” He paused. “And Emil. He wasn't very delicate but I think you both need to have a real conversation. Not a shouting match.”

“I guess…” she put her head in her hands, speaking softly through them. “They're children. I shouted at a couple of kids and accused them of– God damn it, Mickey, what's happened to me?”

“You've been an asshole,” Mickey said matter-of-factly, his candidness surprising Sara. “To Seung-gil and even to Phichit. You were an asshole to the Captain and to Emil.”

“Why do you all keep me around.”

“Well, I love you. You're my sister and asshole or not, I do love you. And the rest of them… they know this isn't you.”

“But what if it is me. What if I'm so afraid of everything now that I'm just an asshole for the rest of my life?”

Mickey chuckled, his face softening while he laughed.

“You'll be fine. The first step of healing is realizing you've been an asshole.”

“I just can't believe I said such horrible things. And I shouted at Emil and the Captain…”

“It's okay. You were scared and now you're going to apologize, right?” She nodded. “Then It'll be okay, okay?”

“Okay…” 

“And next time, talk to someone about how you're feeling before it gets this bad.” Mickey looked at his hands. “And I'll make sure to ask you when I can tell something is wrong. We all need to stop being so closed off.”

“It's hard.”

“Yeah…” Mickey thought about Emil and felt his heart skip, the feeling becoming more familiar to him but just as scary as it had been the first time. “But we'll figure it out.”

\---

“Umm,” Guang Hong jumped a little at Sara's voice, not expecting her to be behind him and Leo. They were both sitting on the steps of the cargo bay, waiting for everyone else to show up. “Can– do you mind– I want to talk.”

Guang Hong looked curiously at Sara, who was fidgeting with the end of her hair as she looked everywhere but at Leo and Guang Hong. 

“That's fine,” Guang Hong smiled at Sara. “What is it?”

“I just–” she bowed her head, looking at the ground. “I'm really sorry. For everything. I let my fears about other things bleed into how I treated you. Even if I didn't trust you, I shouldn't have said such rude things and I should never have shouted at you. I was afraid of other things but that doesn't excuse my reaction. If you can't forgive me, I understand and I'll stay out of your way.”

Guang Hong shot Leo a cheeky smile that said, ‘see what I told you?’

“Sara, it's okay. I forgive you. Fear does things to people just…” Guang Hong paused, laughing a little. "Just try not to do that anymore.”

“Okay.” Sara looked up, her face surprised. “Thank you.”

“We all do it,” Guang Hong looked at Leo, who blushed and looked away. “And all that matters is that you recognized the mistake.”

“Really, thank you.”

“Don't mention it,” Guang Hong smiled. “It's for the best, I wasn't programmed to hold grudges.”

Sara blinked at him, unsure how to respond and he laughed, looking a little apologetic.

“Sorry, just a joke. I mean, I _wasn't_ programmed to hold grudges but that's beside the point.”

Sara laughed awkwardly and so did Leo, both of them seeming a little uncomfortable both with the joke and with each other. Sara was sure Leo would listen to Guang Hong's decision to forgive her but she doubted he would forget so easily. He seemed a little overprotective. Or maybe the right amount of protective, she wasn't an expert.

“Yo!” Mila shouted from the catwalk, “Yuuri says he'll teach us all how to ice skate!”

“Really?” Guang Hong looked up at Mila—Yuuri was standing behind her looking shy. “That sounds great!”

“Then let's get out there,” Phichit laughed as he and Seung-gil appeared on the catwalk too. “I'm just about ready for some fresh air.”

“Where's the Captain?” Emil asked, appearing from the engine room with Mickey on his heels.

“He's right here,” Yuri said as he stepped out of the shuttle. Sara wondered what he'd been doing in there. “Let’s go.”

\---

Apparently, ice skating was pretty popular on this planet and it was easy to rent some skates. Once they were all out of the ice—which was quite challenging for some of the members of this group—Yuuri began his class. From the outside, he looked like he was leading a couple of elementary schoolers in their first skating lesson. The only person other than Yuuri who didn’t have at least a little trouble was Yuri, who gave Yuuri the courtesy of listening to the beginning of his explanation before getting bored and skating off by himself, hands in his pockets and shoulders back. 

“Yuri can skate?” Yuuri asked the crew but they all shrugged. 

“He never mentioned it,” Mila said. “But he was from a pretty cold planet. I bet they ice skated all the time.”

Yuuri watched Yuri silently for a few seconds before shrugging and turning back to his group of learners.

“Okay, now let’s get skating.”

\---

“Mickey,” Mila said, skating to the edge of the rink where Mickey was sitting on a bench. “Not into skating?”

“It's fine,” he mumbled, not looking at Mila. “I'm just a little tired.”

“Are you sure you're not just bad at it,” Mila teased, earning her a glare from Mickey.

“I'm fine at it.”

“Then come back out and skate some more,” Mila insisted. “Sara and Emil are missing you.”

“I doubt that.”

“It's true,” Mila crossed her arms. “Why wouldn't they be.”

“Mila what is this really about?”

“Okay, fine.” She sighed and skated to the exit, coming to sit next to Mickey. “What's up with you and Emil?’

“I don't understand,” Mickey said, refusing to look Mila in the eyes.

“You've been acting weird around him lately. Usually, you're grumpy and you two bicker like an old married couple.”

“We do not,” Mickey grimaced. 

“You totally did.” Mila raised an eyebrow at Mickey. “But you haven't been lately. I've seen the way you look at him when he's not looking.”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Mickey pursed his lips, “but I see what you're implying and you're insane. We're friends. That's it.”

“You think I believe that?”

“What about you and Sara?” Mickey deflected. “You both act like school girls with a crush.”

Mila sputtered a little, panic seizing her ability to speak.

“I'm not as oblivious as you seem to think I am. I can see that you two are basically dating.”

Mila hadn't expected Mickey to be the one to figure out they were dating but it sort of made sense, he was Sara's twin after all. Sure, he didn't seem to think they were actually dating but he'd seen the signs that Mila had been trying to pretend didn't exist because, for as much as she hated the feeling, she was still afraid of anyone knowing. There was an added layer of fear that came from her and Mickey's slightly tense relationship.

“What?”

“I just mean, if you're going to point a finger at me and Emil for being close then look at you two.” Mickey shook his head. “You’re are closer to her than I am and we've literally known each other all our lives.”

“Maybe that's why,” Mila pointed out. 

“Why what?”

“Why she likes to talk to me and go to me. You're her brother, her twin, and the person who knows her maybe too well but sometimes you need someone who knows less about you. People like to curate their images but with you—and to an extent, Emil—there isn't room for curation. Our minds are museums and our relationships are exhibits”

“That's a pretty bad metaphor,” Mickey said with a chuckle.

“I'm all about bad metaphors,” Mila laughed, wondering how they'd ended up so unable to spend time together. “What's wrong with the two of us?”

“Huh?”

“We've been fighting over Sara since we met as if she doesn't have enough for in her life for both of us.”

“Does she? She has room for you but what about me?”

Mila punched him in the shoulder and he yelped, grabbing onto his shoulder and glaring at her.

“Dumbass, she loves you. You're her brother and she cares about you at least as much as me. Maybe more.”

“I know…” he shook his head. “On Topaz Emil told me I was the reason he left Malen, not Sara.”

“Really?”

“He said I was his best friend.” Mickey didn't know why he was admitting this and to Mila of all people. But he'd been holding onto Emil's drunk words for over two weeks and he just wanted to talk about it. He wanted to talk about how it made him feel strange. “Why would he follow me off Malen?”

“Like he said, you're his best friend,” Mila reasoned. 

“But I just…” he shook his head, trying to understand the feelings and thoughts in his mind. “I followed Sara because I love her.”

“And?” Mila raised an eyebrow at Mickey. 

“What does–? How can he–?” He shook his head again. “What does it mean.”

“What kind of love is it?”

“I don't know.”

“It could be platonic love,” Mila told him flippantly. “The more important question is which do you want it to be?”

Mickey looked at his feet for a long time before looking up at Mila, a look of confusion in his eyes. And a look that said he wanted Mila to make this choice for him.

“I don't know.”

\---

“Seung-gil, stop looking at your feet,” Phichit laughed, watching Seung-gil attempt to skate while he held tightly to the wall around the rink.

“I'll stop looking when they stop slipping,” he grumbled. “This is worse than billiards and bridge combined.”

“Well at least you were good at those things,” Phichit laughed again and skated to stand in front of Seung-gil.

Phichit had easily gotten a hang of the skating. He couldn't do anything fancy but skating forward had been easy enough so Yuuri taught him to skate backward, which he'd picked up quickly too.

Seung-gil, on the other hand, looked like what would happen if a dog tried to ice skate. Or maybe like a baby deer trying to walk for the first time. He had his feet too far apart and was partially squatted down, giving a perpetual 'I’m about to fall’ look to him.

“Take my hands,” Phichit said, holding both his hands out.

“What?”

“I'm going to help you skate,” Phichit said with a smile, holding his hands out more forcefully. “Take my hands.”

Seung-gil thought about arguing but huffed and did what Phichit said.

“Okay, now remember what Yuuri said. Back straight, knees bent, and lean a little forward.”

“If I lean forward I'm going to fall. Again.” Seung-gil was still looking at his feet so he didn't see the way Phichit smiled fondly at him.

“I won't let you fall.” Seung-gil looked up and Phichit's smile widened into one as bright as the sun. “Trust me.”

“I shouldn't,” Seung-gil mumbled, looking back at his feet. “But okay.”

“Now one foot at a time. Skate in an outward V.” 

They started to skate slowly and Seung-gil felt panic spike through him as he felt himself falling forward. But, like promised, Phichit held I'm up, barely keeping his own balance. 

“See, you can trust me.”

“I guess,” the started around a curve and it took all of Seung-gil's self-control not to hold his breath. “How are you so good at this?”

“I rollerbladed when I was little. They're kind of similar.”

“Of course you did,” Seung-gil snorted. “You're sure a weirdo.”

“Thanks,” Phichit laughed, suddenly letting go of Seung-gil's hands.

Seung-gil skated for a few strides, looking up at Phichit with panic in his eyes, before he stumbled and nearly hit the ice, only being stopped when Phichit grabbed his hands, just barely keeping them upright.

“Didn't I tell you,” Seung-gil looked at Phichit, half wanting to thank him and half wanting to yell at him for letting go. Phichit's soft smile blew either plan out of the water because Seung-gil found he couldn't think, let alone be angry at Phichit. “You can trust me.”

\---

“It's good to see them getting along,” Emil said, scaring Sara a little. For someone as big as he was, he was very good at being quiet. “Don't you think?”

Sara had stopped in her skating to look at Mila and Mickey talking to each other. They seemed pretty serious about something but it was a good kind if serious. It was the kind if seriousness you saw between friends.

“Yeah. It really is.”

“I know.”

“Huh?” Sara tore her eyes away from Mila and money to look at Emil. “Know what?”

“You two are dating now, aren't you?” When Sara opened and closed her mouth wordlessly, Emil just laughed. “You look at her differently. You always looked at her like she was perfect but now you look at her like she's the world.”

“I'm not supposed to say anything. Mila has… concerns. I don't think they're completely founded but I'm not one to talk about acting strangely because of fear.” She paused, looking down at her skates. “I'm really sorry. I should never have attacked Guang Hong and Leo, let alone you. I need to stop taking out my fear on other people but… it feels so much like my fault sometimes and so I just want to protect you all. But I was being stupid. Not only is there nobody on this ship you need to be protected from, but also you can all take care of yourselves.”

“Sara, it's okay.” Sara sighed, feeling a little better. “You apologized to Guang Hong and Leo, right?”

“Yeah. Guang Hong forgave me but I don't think I deserved such easy forgiveness. I don't think Leo really forgave me but I can't blame him.”

“Believe it or not, I don’t think he’s that angry at you,” Emil told her, remembering their earlier conversation. “Fear does things to you and… I shouldn't have been so rude to you either. Instead of trying to show you why what you were saying was bad or harmful, I just shouted at you. That's not a great help for either of us.”

Emil opened his arms.

“Hug apology?”

Sara smiled and nodded, hugging Emil and holding him tightly.

“How are you so solid?”

“I'm really not,” Emil admitted. “I'm just good at faking it.”

“You'll have to teach me how to do that.”

“How about we talk about what we're afraid of instead?”

Sara laughed and let go of Emil. “Maybe that's a better idea. We're not really a ship of healthy individuals, are we?”

“Not particularly. But I think we can work on it.”

“Sounds good.” 

Sara glanced around at the different pairs that had broken apart at the rink. Mila and Mickey on a bench. Seung-gil and Phichit skating together, Phichit laughing while Seung-gil looked ready to die. Yuuri skating on his own, but obviously planning a move towards talking to Yuri, who was also skating alone. Guang Hong and Leo were skating together, slow but mostly stable. 

Sara and Emil were a pair today too, left wondering how they got so far from home.

“Is this what it's like to have a big family?” Sara asked, used to her small, nuclear family.

“I think it is,” was Emil's smiling reply, the two of them falling into a content silence, leaned against the side of the ice rink and feeling a little more secure.

\---

“...I just can’t believe all the upgrades to the 700-series! It could still use some work but it’s so much more advanced than the 600’s.” 

Guang Hong paused in his long spiel about getting to look at the engine room of The Potya, glancing at Leo. They were skating side-by-side, hands entwined, and Leo was smiling affectionately at Guang Hong. 

“What?” He asked, blushing a little. 

“Nothing, I like listening to you talk.” 

Guang Hong smiled, looking away. “You’re just saying that.”

“Am not,” Leo insisted. “You should give lectures on this stuff. It would be way more interesting than those lectures from school.” 

“I thought your school lectures were interesting,” Guang Hong insisted. “Especially the ones about Earth’s first attempts at space travel. I can’t believe they made it to Earth’s moon with the technology they had back then.” 

And like that, Guang Hong launched into another long speech, this time about Earth’s grounded modern period and Leo was back to looking at Guang Hong like he was the only thing that mattered in the world. Maybe that was because, for Leo, that was the truth. He’d left everything on Saffron and he didn’t care at all. He was just happy to have Guang Hong here and safe for what felt like the first time in their lives. 

“Guang Hong?” Leo pulled them to a stop and Guang Hong looked at Leo curiously. “I love you.”

“Where did that come from?” Guang Hong asked with a laugh before leaning up and pecking a kiss onto Leo’s mouth. “I love you too.”

“I’m really happy you’re safe.”

“I’m happy we’re both safe,” Guang Hong amended. “Leo?”

“What’s up?”

“Can I tell you something that might make you feel bad but I don’t want you to feel bad…” Guang Hong sighed, glancing over at Emil and then at Yuri and finally at Yuuri. None of them were looking at him but it still made him more confident. 

“Is something wrong?”

“I just– I want you to teach me how to read. Like for real. Not programming or anything, just normally, how humans learn.”

“What?” Leo blinked at him. “What are you talking about?”

“I can’t read. I’ve never been able to read.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Leo asked, looking upset.

“It didn’t seem important,” Guang hong muttered, looking at the ground. 

“Guang Hong,” Leo put a hand on Guang Hong’s cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“Huh?”

“I never thought to find out if you could read. I never thought about it but I shouldn’t have assumed I knew everything I should about you and about androids.” He shook his head. “I wish you told me earlier, but I understand.” 

“You’re not angry?”

“No, of course not.” Leo forced Guang Hong to look at him and was surprised to see some tears in his eyes. “Guang Hong! Please don’t cry.” 

Leo pulled him into a crushing hug and Guang Hong laughed even as a few tears fell. 

“Sorry, I was just really afraid to tell you. I know I shouldn’t have been but I was.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Leo murmured. “I’m the one who’s sorry, for ever making you feel like you couldn’t tell me these things.”

Guang Hong sniffled a little. “Sorry, we were having such a good time.”

“Guang Hong, you didn’t do anything wrong.” 

Leo leaned away from Guang Hong, nearly losing his balance, only to be caught by Guang Hong before he could fall. Laughing, Leo kissed Guang Hong softly. 

“Thanks for catching me.”

“I’m always here to protect you,” Guang Hong insisted. 

“I’m here to protect you too.” Leo locked their hands together again and the two started to skate, wondering if they’d been making a scene. “And, of course, I’ll teach you to read. In exchange, you can keep telling me about the lectures I never watched.”

Guang Hong laughed and Leo did too, feeling very much in love and also very, very young. 

\---

Yuuri was trying to come up with a good way to start up a conversation with Yuri when the younger man turned and glared at Yuuri.

He skated up to Yuuri, getting into his personal space.

“What do you want, Katsuki?”

“Oh, umm…” Yuuri looked around, not even able to think of the half-formed excuse he was planning. “Just, umm… I don't know.”

Yuri rolled his eyes, skating backward away from Yuuri enough to give them both decent personal space.

“Ask the question.”

“Huh?”

“I can tell you were trying to come up with a way to ask me something.”

“Oh, well…” Yuuri sighed, giving up on being careful. “How'd you learn to skate?”

“That's all?” Yuri snorted. “I thought you were going to ask something personal.”

Yuuri nearly pointed out that everything seemed personal to Yuri, but he decided against it.

“It's not much of a story. Skating used to be a common pastime on my home planet. When Grandpa was young everyone skated. He taught me.”

“What happened?”

“Huh?” It was Yuri's turn to be confused.

“You said it's used to be popular. Why isn't it anymore?”

“Oh.” Yuri looked down at his skates, kicking the ice awkwardly. “Well, Velirov rebelled around the time Grandpa went to the Stellar Academy. With all the air raids, it was sort of out of the question. Most people skated on actual lakes and ponds and it was too dangerous to be outside like that. After the rebellion was quelled, it took a while for people to get used to being outside normally.”

“You're from a rebel planet?”

“It was an old rebellion,” Yuri waved the conversation away. “My parents were babies when it ended. My dad was actually born in space,” Yuri grinned. “Grandma didn't want to take time off and he ended up being early. They didn't make it to a planet. Apparently, Yakov delivered him since he grew up on a farm.”

“Wow,” Yuuri said with a laugh, trying to imagine the old pilot delivering a baby. “Sounds exciting.”

“It was a different time, I think.” Yuri frowned. “My dad spent part of his childhood with Grandma's parents but once the rebellion was ended, he moved to Velirov. Grandma and Grandpa still spent most of their time in space and I think that weighed on them when he died. I think that's why they wanted to help take care of me as much as they did. It was like they wanted to make up for not being around.”

“He lived with your grandma's family? Was she not from Velirov?”

“She sort of was…” Yuri looked thoughtful for a moment. “There were a lot of reasons Velirov rebelled. But the straw that broke the camel's back was the disappearance of a bunch of kids. Grandpa knew ten kids who disappeared and the only one that was seen again was Grandma. And that was years later, at The Stellar Academy. She didn't talk much about it. I heard Grandpa say once that she used to have nightmares.” Yuri shook his head. “After she disappeared, Grandma's family left Velirov.”

Silence drew out between them for a long time, Yuri starting to skate slowly and Yuuri following. It took a minute of skating for anything to be said.

“There's a lot in the universe we don't know.”

“Yeah, and it all seems to be pretty screwed up.”

“What's a person to do?”

Yuri glanced at Yuuri and snorted. “Do I look like I know. That's what I've been trying to figure out.”

"It was a rhetorical question," Yuuri laughed and Yuri just shrugged.

"Whatever."

“It makes my problems seem so small,” Yuuri admitted. “What right so I have?”

“It doesn't matter how big someone else's problems are, yours will still exist,” Yuri said with a shrug. “My problems, your problems, everyone's problems. They all exist and that's all there is to it.”

Yuuri smiled but Yuri wasn't looking at him, seeming embarrassed by his words.

“Besides, your problems are fixable so let's work on those before the ones we can't do much about.”

“Okay,” Yuuri agreed, falling into silence while they skated side-by-side, Yuri's hands in his pockets and Yuuri's hands folded behind him.

The day was warm but as the night arrived it got colder and they all returned to The Potya feeling a little more relaxed and ready for their next stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is minimally edited. I have a headache and a low work ethic today, plus AO3 has been fucking with me all day. 
> 
> We've got one chapter until the start of the part two final arc (the min-arc is unofficially named Glass) I enjoy that arc :D It's totally chill, obviously :DDDDDDDD
> 
> Also, one I will be going on a month hiatus once part two ends which is sad for me because the two chapters following Glass are a lot of fun. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading!


	14. Do You Know Why You Were Born?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The intake of breath before your head is dunked under water for far too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look, I'm busy tomorrow so I'm posting early instead of late, like a responsible adult :P

Yuuri didn’t think he was the only one to notice a change in Phichit and Seung-gil’s interactions. He hadn’t talked to anyone, but they were too obvious for people not to start noticing.

That said, Yuuri was pretty sure they didn’t notice.

“Bullshit,” Phichit called, smirking at Seung-gil who huffed and flipped over the cards to reveal he was, in fact, lying.

Maybe it was just because Yuuri spent the most time with the two of them and was starting to feel like he was intruding on their time together. He was starting to get the same feeling he used to get spending time with Yuuko and Takeshi. In short, he felt a bit like a third wheel.

“How are you so good at this?” Seung-gil asked, starting to get annoyed with how good Phichit was at telling when he and Yuuri were lying. Their only saving grace in this game of BS was that he and Yuuri basically had half the deck each, so it was easier to call out Phichit for lying.

“With Yuuri it’s just my reporter sense,” Phichit said before winking at Seung-gil. “With you, I can just tell.”

Seung-gil blushed, not really noticing his cheeks turning red as he mumbled incoherently and started taking the stack of cards Phichit had won him.

Yuuri felt like he was watching a couple of teenagers flirt.

“Phichit, admit it’s scary how good you are at telling when we’re lying,” Yuuri said, deciding to try and ignore their awkward flirting.

“Only if you admit it’s also impressive.”

“Okay, it’s a little impressive.

“Well, it’s a little scary then.” Phichit laughed to himself and looked down at his cards. “2, 2’s.”

“Bullshit,” Seung-gil said, partially because he wanted to call Phichit out and partially because Phichit had just put down his last two cards and there wasn’t much to lose.

“Read ‘em and weep,” Phichit said with a smirk, flipping the cards to reveal he was not only good at spotting liars but also had the best luck in card games.

“Can we play something else?” Seung-gil asked. “Maybe something Phichit is bad at.”

“Aww, you’re such a sore loser,” Phichit laughed, gathering all the cards and beginning to shuffle. “You’re cute when you pout like that.”

“I’m not cute.”

“Yes you are,” Phichit sang. “What do you want to play?”

Seung-gil reached out and grabbed the cards from Phichit, starting to deal them into seven piles.

“Solitaire.”

Phichit whined and Yuuri rolled his eyes, happy to watch the two of them be idiots if it meant not thinking too hard.

\--- 

“I'd say, the ability to learn.” Leo was surprisingly okay with chatting about sentience with Emil and Mickey. “A robot can't learn. A human—or something else sentient—can.”

“But animals can learn,” Mickey frowned. “Dogs can learn tricks and apes can learn sign language. Wouldn't sentience have more to do with deep thought?”

“How can we say dogs don't have deep thoughts,” Emil pointed out. “But I agree with Mickey that it isn't learning. I think it's about creation. Humans can create things even if they aren't necessary for survival. We like to. It would be easy to have stayed on Earth forever but instead were sitting in a spaceship, light-years from earth in a seventh generation exploration ship. I doubt dogs have ever considered much more than the city they live in.”

“So a human who doesn’t create anything isn’t sentient?” Mickey asked with a raised eyebrow.

“No, no, no.” Emil shook his head. “Well, maybe, but I think it’s impossible for humans to not create. Even small things. A three-note tune. An imaginative but short story about a stranger on a train. A nickname for a friend or a lover. Creation is what makes people people; it’s what makes us sentient.”

“What has Guang Hong created?” Mickey asked, looking at Leo as if this could confirm Emil’s theory.

Mickey had easily accepted Guang Hong’s sentience, possibly more so than anyone on the ship. Even Emil had lingering doubts—doubts he didn’t believe but that still existed deep in his mind. Maybe Yuri also accepted Guang Hong’s sentence without much in the way of questions but that seemed to be more about his current disinterest in thinking too hard about things like sentience.

“I’m not sure…” Leo thought for a little, running through his memories to try and find something that constituted creation. “Well, when we were little we used to play make-believe. I think my parents hated how much we played together but they let it be because Guang Hong was pretty much my only companion. I didn’t really have other friends… or any friends if you asked my parents.”

“We create from such a young age,” Emil pointed out. “We actually create the most when we’re young. Creation isn’t something that has to be taught, it’s inherent in who we are.”

“But couldn’t creation—couldn’t an imagination—be programmed?” Mickey shook his head. “I don’t think imagination is the answer to sentience.”

“Maybe not,” Emil shrugged. “I mean, it’s not like the three of us were going to decode the age-old question of sentience in half an hour.”

“I guess not,” Mickey sighed.

“You know, I think the real answer to what sentience is is right here.” Leo perked up a little, a look of realization on his face. “It isn’t learning and it isn’t creation. It’s sort of like what you said, Mickey. Deep thought, but not just any deep thought.”

“What do you mean?” Emil asked.

“Maybe the key to sentience is that ability to ask questions about sentience. Maybe by questioning how to decide if something or someone is sentient, it makes you sentient.”

“That’s an idea all right.” Everyone turned to look at the door frame where Yuri was standing. He chuckled and stepped into the room, an uncharacteristic smile on his face. It was small, but it was still a smile. “You’re all over complicating this.”

“Are we?” Emil asked.

“You three are sitting around like the old assholes at Capital University who never get off their asses.”

“He’s talking about the philosophy professors at Capital University,” Emil explained to Leo. “The Captain has an unnecessary destain for intellectuals.”

“I have nothing against smart people, just people who pretend to be better than the rest of us,” Yuri retorted. “And you’re overcomplicating sentience. Sentience is just being able to subjectively judge your world. You’re all talking about different shit like sapience and self-awareness. They’re not the same things.”

“Now who sounds like those assholes from Capital?” Leo asked with a smirk. “Didn’t know you were such a sentience buff.”

“I’m not,” Yuri rolled his eyes. “But I did a research project on sentience during training.”

“I forgot about that,” Emil commented, turning to look at Leo. “Students at The Stellar Academy have to take a philosophy class at Capital University and for that class, everyone has to do a research project.”

“If I recall,” Mickey smirked right along with Leo, “sentience wasn’t one of the approved topics and you got in a lot of trouble.”

“The other stuff was boring and sentience was a big deal in the news then so it was an easy topic,” Yuri waved them away before changing the subject. “I didn’t come down here to argue with you people about this bullshit. I came to talk to you Emil.”

“Captain?” Emil asked, his face looking suddenly concerned.

“Can you come to my room for a bit, I want your opinion on something.”

“Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing is wrong, just want to ask you some questions.”

“Okay,” Emil looked at Mickey who shrugged, feeling just as worried and confused. “I’ll be up in a bit.”

“Sounds good, see you then.”

Yuri disappeared then, back in the direction of his room and Emil sat still for a few moments, trying to calm his sudden worries. He was failing when Mickey reached over and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t worry, I doubt there’s anything wrong.”

“You’re right,” Emil sighed then smiled at Mickey. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Mickey’s hand lingered for a few moments too long and he quickly took it away. “Now, you should get going. There will be a problem if you leave the Captain waiting.

Emil laughed, “Guess you’re right. Talk to you both later.”

\---

Mila was listening intently to Sara read the book in her lap, her back against Mila’s shins as Mila braided her hair. Sara had a blanket around her shoulders and one on her lap to keep herself warm against the cold of Mila’s room.

“‘Possibly the open window was intended to suggest that somebody left the carriage this way. Criminals do not make mistakes of that kind nowadays.’”

Sara’s voice was washed over Mila as she read the ancient classic from the end of Earth’s grounded period. It was a popular period to consume media from because people seemed fascinated with how close the people of the time were to long distance space travel and yet most of the people who created these pieces of media would never see that advancement. When people talked about ‘the end’ of the grounded period, they could be talking about any point within nearly three thousands years on Earth. Depending who you were talking to, it could be even more than three thousand years.

Mila didn’t have a particular interest in any sort of classic literature, but Sara liked it and Mila would listen to Sara read an instruction manual on how to use their rice cooker.

As Sara continued reading, Mila finished off the braid she was working on and tied it off. She wasn’t all that good at braiding hair, but it was fun and Sara liked having her hair played with so they both benefited. The past hour or so Mila had been braiding and unbraiding Sara’s hair, but now she stopped to instead lean forward and place a few kissed on Sara’s now bare neck.

“Mila!” Sara gasped at the unexpected sensation, the book in her lap closing.

“Sorry, I should have asked,” Mila apologized, her lips still close enough to the sensitive skin on Sara’s neck to make her shiver.

“It’s okay, I just wasn’t expecting it.”

Sara leaned farther back and Mila let her legs drop so Sara was pressed against her chest. Mila was speckling her shoulders and neck with careful kisses—she needed to watch out for leaving any marks—for a bit before Sara turned to face Mila. Her legs hooked around Mila’s middle to keep herself steady as her lips found Mila’s. One of her hands was already in Mila’s hair and the other was placed on Mila’s waist, making Mila sigh. Every touch from Sara set her on fire while also calming her normally tense body.

Their kissing was sloppy and greedy, moments like this driving home how young they both were. Mila had one hand on the back of Sara’s neck and the other was on the small of her back. After almost a minute like that, Sara reached back and guided Mila’s hand towards the clasp on her bra, an invitation Mila was excited by. And maybe also a little scared of.

Mila paused, not sure how to reconcile those two very different feelings.

“Mila, Darling, what’s wrong?” Sara asked, looking at Mila with worried eyes.

“I– I don’t think I’m ready for this.”

“That’s okay.” Sara touched Mila’s face softly, a fond smile on her face. “I wasn’t trying to rush you.”

“Do you think we’re going too fast?”

Sara shimmied off Mila’s lap so she could look her in the eyes. “It’s okay if you think so.”

“I know, but what do you think?” Mila honestly wanted to know because she felt unsure about what the norm for relationships was. The most she’d had in the past was a couple of one night stands and she didn’t want this to be anything like that.

Well, she’d had one more serious relationship, but that wasn’t something she wanted to think about right now.

“I don’t think so. We are dating, after all.” When Mila didn’t make eye contact, Sara’s eyes furrowed. “We are dating, right?”

“Of course,” Mila answered quickly. Too quickly, if you asked Sara. “I mean, look at us.”

“I am,” Sara countered. “And it’s hard to tell sometimes. Sometimes we look more like friends with benefits to me.”

She didn’t want to have this argument, not right now, but Sara knew they needed to talk about this. It was getting to the point where she was feeling constrained by Mila’s need to keep things quiet. Sara just wanted to be able to hold her girlfriend’s hand in public once in a while. She just wanted to be able to hold her girlfriend’s hand in their own home.

“That’s not what we are.”

“Why can’t we at least tell the crew? Why can’t we at least be together on this ship?” Sara asked.

“Love is dangerous.”

“This is our home!” Sara exclaimed, frustrated and unsure how to explain why. “I hate being so secretive around our family and friends.”

“We have to be careful,” Mila explained, crossing her arms over her chest. “It’s easy for people to use love against me. Against anyone.”

“Mila, this is irrational. People won’t suddenly start making me some damsel in distress because we’re dating.”

“You don’t know what will happen!”

“Neither do you, but you pretend that you do!” Sara wanted Mila to look at her but she refused to, instead starting off to the side. Sara reached out and grabbed Mila’s shoulder but she didn’t turn. “I love you.”

Mila looked up at that, a mix of fear and happiness in her eyes that made Sara feel just a little bit tired. How could they figure out them when Mila seemed so conflicted?

“You don’t understand,” Was Mila’s weak reply, her eyes dulling as she looked away. “I love you too and that’s the problem!”

“Loving me is a problem?” Sara felt a bit offended even though she was sure Mila didn’t mean it as an insult.

“No– I mean– not like that–” Mila shook her head. “Love is a problem and it always leads to problems in the end, okay? I won’t have you turning into another Asya–”

Mila cut off her own words, seeming to realize too late that she’d said something she hadn’t meant to.

“Asya?” Mila pulled even farther from Sara, her body curling in on itself as she turned towards the wall. “Mila, who’s Asya?”

But Mila didn’t respond, instead curling into a ball as she laid down with her back to Sara. Sara felt frustration and concern spike through her but she had no idea what to do for Mila. She didn’t know how to deal with the anger she felt over Mila’s unwillingness to talk and she didn’t know what to do about the deep concern she had for Mila’s wellbeing.

“Mila, talk to me,” She tried but when Mila still didn’t respond, Sara stood with a sigh and shook her head. She headed for the door, pausing before opening it so she could try one more time. “Mila, I’m begging you not to close me out.”

“There’s nothing to say,” Mila to Sara, the blatancy of the lie hanging sourly in the air.

“Fine.” Sara’s voice was at once cutting and also defeated. “Whatever.”

The door opened and closed without them sharing another word and Mila finally let tears leak onto her bed, feeling more helpless than she had in years.

\--- 

Emil knocked hesitantly on Yuri’s door, wondering what in the world he could want. When Yuri called for him to come in, Emil paused for a few seconds before opening the door.

“Don’t look so scared.” Was the first thing Yuri said when Emil stepped inside. “I wasn’t trying to be cryptic, I just thought it would be easier to explain with some visual aids.”

Yuri gestured at his computer—well, one of them since Yuri seemed to have three different laptops in various place—and that was when Emil noticed he and Yuri weren’t alone.

“Oh, hi, Guang Hong.” Emil blinked. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Hello, Emil.” Guang Hong smiled sheepishly. “The Captain asked me for help but I wasn’t able to give him much insight.”

“Sure you did,” Yuri shot back at Guang Hong. “He was the one who suggested asking you for help. I thought about Phichit but I’d rather not get too many people involved.”

“Can you please just tell me what’s going on?” Emil begged, feeling lost. “Why are you being so cryptic?”

“I hear you know a little about hacking,” Yuri said with a smile, catching Emil off guard.

“Huh?”

“Well? Are you any good?”

“I mean, I broke into Clear Waters’ servers to get information about their android research.”

“You know I did the same with the government,” Yuri said and Emil nodded. “I’ve been trying to figure out a way to do something with the knowledge I have now but it’s hard. I can’t just tell people, that won’t get me anywhere. I thought maybe I could create a hole in their servers that regular people could follow a link or something to see the information but I’m sure the government would be able to do something about that the moment they saw the hole. And since they’re probably on guard right now, that would happen quickly. Or maybe it wouldn’t, but I don’t want to take that chance because I bet that if they felt they had to, they’d burn all their documentation and blame it on me, on us. They’d call it the work of terrorists and we’ll have lost.”

“Okay…” Emil wasn’t sure where this was going.

“But I’ve been thinking that maybe there’s a way to basically make copies of the data. So many copies that the government won’t be able to destroy them all. Or, if they do, it will take so long that it’ll be too late. But I don’t have the skills to make a hole and distribute the data that quickly. That’s where you come in.”

“What are you asking me to do?”

“I want us to start working on a plan. We can’t just keep running forever. What are we going to do? Find somewhere to hide and live as the only people who know about all this bullshit? I don’t know about you, but I can’t live like that.”

“I’m not sure I can do what you’re asking me,” Emil admitted. “I don’t think I can break the government's security.”

“You don’t have to,” Yuri smirked at Emil. “I may not be good at building shit online, but I’m damn good at tearing it down. You can build from after the security is broken, I’ll do the beginning parts. We can make a virus together that will break down their walls and distribute the crucial data.”

“Okay…” Emil sighed. “I really think you might be overestimating me, though. I’ve never done anything like what you’re talking about.”

Yuri stood and smiled at Emil—Emil wasn’t sure why Yuri had been smiling so much lately and he wasn’t sure whether it was good or bad—putting a hand on his shoulder. He had to reach quite a bit up to reach Emil’s shoulder and so it looked pretty silly, but it was the thought that mattered.

“I’m sure you can do it and… well, it’s not like we really have a deadline. I would like to finish before we drop Guang Hong and Leo off, but that’s not totally necessary.”

“Why before then?” Emil looked at Guang Hong. “Do you have an idea”

“Well,” Guang Hong spoke up now, having remained silent for the rest of the conversation. “The planet in ORG-5 that we’re headed towards is one of the planets where the government stores its data. Not all of it, but some of it, so it’ll be easier to get into their systems from there.”

“So you told him what was happening?” Emil asked Yuri. “How much does he know?”

“Enough.” Guang Hong was the one to answer. “But not everything. Not yet. I’m sure I’ll hear about it all soon.”

“I guess you’re right,” Emil conceded. “Well, I’ll get started on this as soon as I can. For now, I’ll need some time to think about it.”

“That’s fine,” Yuri told him with a nod. “And thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet,” Emil insisted only for Yuri to shake his head.

“Thanks are still due…” He looked away then, seeming embarrassed by how sentimental he was being. “Now both of you get out of here. I have things to do.”

“Aye, aye, Captain,” Emil said, earning him a quick middle finger from Yuri. Emil just laughed, turning to Guang Hong. “Let’s get out of here. I left Leo and Mickey alone and it’s only a matter of time before they get sick of each other.”

Guang Hong laughed and followed Emil out of Yuri’s room after a quick goodbye. When the door closed Yuri’s smile dropped and he left tired, his body sagging under its own weight. He dragged his hands down his face and leaned back in his chair, staring at the low ceiling of his room.

“What the hell am I doing?”

He closed his eyes for a few seconds then sat back up, grabbing another laptop and getting to work on checking for any news from The Military, The USEA, or Velirov.

\---

 _“If ever I find you._  
If ever I see you.  
And I still turn away  
Then you’ll know the day’s come.  
The day when we must part ways.”

Phichit was more than a little shocked to hear Seung-gil’s voice when he headed back towards their shared room. His hand was ready to open the door when he was caught but the quiet singing of the other man.

_“But trust My Love._   
_Oh trust my love_   
_I’ll love you even then._   
_For even if we part tomorrow,_   
_I still would love you my whole life long._

_So do not weep,_   
_My darling Love._   
_Do not weep for me._   
_For as our lives come crashing down,_   
_I’ll never forget our love._

_Trust My Love._   
_Oh trust my love_   
_I’ll love you even then._   
_For even if we part tomorrow,_   
_I still would love you my whole life long.”_

Phichit was sure he should make his presence known and stop Seung-gil’s singing, but there was something in his voice that made Phichit stop. Something beautiful but tinged with loss. It was like a memory marred by future loss—a pure moment destined to be touched by pain, therefore changing its meaning completely.

_“For it’s easy to remember,_   
_And easier yet to forget._   
_But I can never forget your love,_   
_No matter the seas I cross._   
_Oh Love, don’t forget me,_   
_When I am long gone._

_Oh, trust My Love._   
_Oh trust my love_   
_I’ll love you even then.”_

Phichit felt an odd feeling on his cheeks and reached up to touch them, surprised to find his fingers wet with tears. He couldn’t explain the tears except to say that the longing in Seung-gil’s quiet voice had reminded him of the song he once sang in front of the altar of a god that he now wanted so desperately to believe in like he had then. Carefree and simple were the words he would use now to describe not just his love for his fiancé but also for the god he suspected was punishing him now.

Naive was another word.

Phichit knew he had a pretty terrible singing voice and yet when he had sung with the person he loved, in front of the altar of a god he loved, his voice had been clear.

But unlike Seung-gil’s voice, Phichit’s was no longer able to find the depth of emotion it had back then. Sometimes, he could still hear the matching voice of his finacé when he slept. Less often—though he found it was happening now—he heard her voice in his wakefulness.

 _I promise you_ my _love._  
 _I promise you it all._  
 _In front of the_ one _we both do love,_  
 _I promise you it all._

_I promise you my future._   
_I promise you my life._   
_I promise you in front of Him,_   
_I promise you it all._

_I promise._   
_I promise._   
_I promise you a future._   
_I promise you a life._   
_I promise you a greater love than any you have known._

_I promise you it all._  
 _In front of the_ one _we both do love._  
 _I promise you it all._  
 _I promise you_ my _love._

And the truth of the matter that Phichit knew all too well was that love and trust were easy to pretend at. It was easy to pretend you were trustworthy and it was easy to pretend you were in love. Lying was easy, breaking promises was easy, and—in the end—everything was loss and that was—honestly—easy.

__\---_ _

Yuri was staring out into the darkness of the control room viewing window when Yuuri found him. Normally, it showed whatever was in front of the ship, but during jumps, it was blackened so as not to constantly bombard the sleeping pilot with light.

Tonight, Sara wasn’t in her bunk and instead down in Mila’s room. Yuri had kicked her out of the control room, saying she looked terrible and that it was probably because the control room bunk was a terrible place to sleep. Sara had been reluctant but had eventually gone down to Mila’s room. Yuri had wondered what was going on between them that would make Sara so unwilling to go down there, but he didn’t ask questions. He didn’t have the heart for questions right now.

“I have a bad feeling,” Yuuri told the young captain when he entered, Yuri making no motion to show he’d even heard Yuuri speak.

“Katsuki,” Yuri retorted after a moment, his response the only thing showing he’d heard Yuuri. “What kind of bad feeling?”

“I don’t know. It’s just… bad. I’ve felt it before. It’s a feeling deep in my gut that I can’t explain. But it’s been years since I felt it. Not since Viktor and I were first dating and we were both attacked on the street. I had this same feeling before that happened.”

“That’s weird,” was Yuri’s only response. “What do you want me to do about it, Katsuki?”

“Nothing, just thought I’d tell you.” Yuuri thought about turning and leaving, but deciding to keep pushing. “But I think you know what I mean.”

“When my dad died, I was with my grandma.” Yuuri was honestly surprised that Yuri was responding to his accusation. “I don’t remember this, I was too young, but she told me later than we were reading a book and suddenly I froze and looked terrified. When she asked me what was wrong all I could say was ‘bad’ and nothing else.”

Yuuri let that story sit with the between the both of them, the oddness of it sinking into the silence around them.

“Sometimes I think I feel the bad feeling but it’s just my anxiety,” Yuuri admitted. “I’ve gotten really good at telling the difference, but maybe… well, I’m pretty tired and stressed so maybe it’s nothing.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Yuri offered with no real conviction behind his words. “Either way, you should get some rest. There’s not much we can do about feelings.”

“I guess you’re right.” Yuuri was starting to question why he’d ever come here. “You should get some rest too.”

“Maybe.” Yuri still didn’t turn—he seemed fixated on the nothingness of the screen in front of him. “Good night, Yuuri.”

“Good night, Yuri.” Yuuri smiled at Yuri’s back, wondering why Yuri had refused to turn and look at him, before turning and heading back to his room, sure he was going to get no sleep tonight with his mind so full of concern.

If he’d been able to see Yuri’s face, he would have seen a young man—barely more than a boy—who looked terrified by something he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

Yuri was trying to pretend it was just his uneasiness about their getting closer and closer to the outer region and to the edge, but he knew they weren’t close enough to either of those places for him to be this anxious. He’d made an honest attempt at sleeping earlier but his mind kept flashing unintelligible images that filled him with dread.

He didn’t know what he was supposed to do about any of this because, as he told Yuuri, there wasn’t much to be done about feelings.

In Mila’s room, Sara and Mila were asleep with their limbs wrapped around each other. They’d not had the energy to try talking again, so they spent the time in silence until sleep took them. Now they were both comfortably in dreams, though Sara’s had an edge of unpleasantness too them.

In Emil’s room, he was sleeping soundly and without much worry. Much the same could be said of Mickey, even though he was always worried. He was asleep and his mind was filled with worries, but no more than usual.

Guang Hong and Leo were asleep much like Mila and Sara, limbs wrapped together and their bodies motionless. Their foreheads were pressed together and each seemed to be equally protective of the other.

Seung-gil was tossing and turning in his sleep, bad dreams swirling unhelpfully around his mind. Above him in the top bunk, Phichit was also dreaming unpleasant dreams, but they were dreams he was used to and could hardly be considered nightmares anymore.

Yuuri was just laying down to go to bed—where he would inevitably lay for hours, wondering why he felt so scared and worried—when up in the control room Yuri sighed, uncrossed his arms, and headed back to his room.

He wouldn’t sleep much tonight, but that was what he was used to. It was what he liked. It was the best way to keep his mind for getting too far ahead of itself and, if he was honest, that was the one thing trying to drive him crazy these days. Without his lack of sleep keeping his mind just a little duller than normal, he would have lost it galaxies ago.

And maybe he should have gone crazy galaxies ago. Maybe the fact that he hadn’t lost it already showed he’d been crazy his whole life.

Maybe—he often thought—he was crazy to think that he could be a good captain. Or even an okay captain. Maybe he was crazy for thinking he could protect everyone. Maybe he was crazy for thinking he was protecting anyone by running from The Military.

Maybe, just maybe, he was more than a little crazy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter begins the mid-fic finale aka the finale arc to part 2. I think I called this arc Glass? Yeah, that thing. Three chapters. Some shit will go down. I'll warn you, there will be some cringe-worthy violence. At least, it made me cringe writing it......
> 
> Thanks for sticking around and sorry for anyone who was looking forward to some in-depth conversation about sentience, I just don't have it in me.


	15. I Only Asked For Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Memories of You by Katsuki Yuuri_   
>    
>  _The way you sing._   
>  _The way you speak._   
>  _Your shining eyes and windswept hair._   
>  _A grassy plain._   
>  _A windy day._   
>  _All the reasons, that I care._   
>    
>  _On a snow-speckled beach, we danced._   
>  _On a warm spring day, we laughed._   
>  _On a rainy night, we kissed._   
>  _On a day like today, I miss you._   
>    
>  _A grassy plain,_   
>  _A windy day._   
>  _Your windswept hair,_   
>  _Your shining eyes._   
>  _The way you spoke,_   
>  _And the way you sang.  
>  _All the things,  
>  _That made me care.___   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #EarlyPost cause I'm impatient and probably gonna sleep until 2pm tomorrow ⪆▽⪅
> 
> small warning: there's a small reference to suicide, but nothing even remotely graphic.

“Coming out of warp,” Sara announced to the ship only moments before they arrived nearly in the atmosphere of a planet, causing Sara to let out a string of curses before she was able to turn off the intercom. 

Yuuri gave Phichit a look—the two were playing their usual quiet game of cards to pass time—then stood, heading out of the kitchen towards the control room. Phichit was close on his heels and as they went down the hallway, Yuri and Mickey were both already heading towards the control room. 

“Sara, what’s wrong?” Mickey asked, the first into the control room.

“Mickey… can you recheck the routing you did?”

“Why–” Mickey started to speak but then his eyes caught the planet on the viewing screen. “What the hell is that?”

“A planet.” Yuri was the one to answer. “We’re lucky we didn’t crash into it. Sara, can you get us in a stable orbit?”

“I think so, but it would help if I knew anything about this planet.” She turned to look at Mickey. “I thought you said we were nowhere near the closest planet.”

“We are– We should be, at least. From what I know, there are no stars or planets in this area.”

“Is that a docking port?” Yuuri asked, stepped closer to the viewing screen. 

When he spoke, everyone turned to look. Yuri stepped closer to the screen as well, squinting at what Yuuri was pointing to. 

“I think so.”

“That makes no sense,” Mickey insisted. “There are no habitable planets in this galaxy.”

“What about mining planets?” Phichit offered. “Maybe this planet is still being terraformed? Those planets are usally kept off most maps, right?” 

"Yes, but our maps are synced with the USEA’s official maps every month. Those are marked with any type of known planet, even if it isn’t even being considered for use.” Mickey was shaking his head, turning away from the viewing screen to go check the mapping systems. “This galaxy is marked as uninhabited and uninteresting.”

“Well, something is wrong then.” Yuri was careful to keep his voice calm even though there was part of him that felt a growing panic he couldn’t quite place. It wasn’t just because this planet existed when it seemed like it shouldn’t. There was something else that made Yuri feel like something was wrong. “Sara, see if you can hail anyone on that landing platform. Mickey, figure out where we are.”

“What’s wrong?” Mila barreled into the control room, shouting as she did and almost running into Phichit. “Sara, are you okay?”

“Mila, good.” Yuri was unfazed by Mila’s entrance. “I want you to prepare to possibly go down onto an unknown planet. Figure out who you’re going to bring.”

“Well, I can already tell you that you and Emil–”

“No, Sara and Emil need to stay on the ship just in case anything goes wrong. Bring Mickey with us.”

“I’d like to go,” Phichit spoke, his voice serious. “I won’t be a burden, I swear.”

“Fine, you can come,” Mila said. “I’m going to see if Seung-gil will come, he’s good with a weapon.”

“Me too!” Yuuri spoke up, still looking at the viewing screen, particularly the docking port. Something about the planet was calling to him. He felt like, somehow, it was trying to tell him it had answers. “Please.”

Mila sighed and looked at Yuri, who only shrugged. “I guess so. That'll make it even, at least. Well, assuming Seung-gil agrees to come.” 

She sighed again, feeling more than a little disconcerted. She didn't know much about this planet but she could tell everyone in the room was unhappy. And she could guess a thing or two about whether this planet was supposed to be here or not. 

“I’ll see if Seung-gil will come, then I want everyone going down to this planet to meet in the cargo bay. Be there in,” she checked her watch, “ten minutes.” 

“Okay.” Phichit gave Mila a salute then hurried from the room only to be followed closely by Mila.

“Captain… are you sure it’s a good idea to go down there?” Sara asked, pausing in her attempts at communication. “Wouldn’t it be better to just move along.”

“Sara… we might be…” Yuri shook his head, feeling a little foolhardy but curious all the same. “We’re still explorers, right? I know we should leave this alone but I need to know why this isn’t on a map.” 

“Captain,” Mickey interrupted, looking up from his maps. “There’s not supposed to be anything here.”

Yuri sighed, his face grim as he considered Sara’s words. Maybe this was a stupid idea. 

“If nobody responds, we’ll move on.” Yuri finally told them, even though he wanted to dock regardless. 

He wanted to find out why there was a docking port and why this place was apparently not just uninhabited but uninteresting. The entire area had been labeled as uninteresting, a very specific USEA designation. That designation was only given to areas that have been properly and thoroughly explored. The maps for an uninteresting area shouldn’t be missed an entire planet, especially not one with signs of life. It should at least be marked as abandoned. If they weren't supposed to be here then the area should have been somehow marked. There should be no record of this place and yet it seemed as if it wasn't there. If Yuri wasn't looking at it, he'd never have believed there could be a planet like this.

“This is The Potya, a 700 series Government Explorer looking to dock, please respond.” Sara was met with only static and she tried again. “This is The Potya, a 700–”

“Pilot, we are scanning you now,” A voice interrupted, smooth and calming in a way that made Yuri feel somehow less calm. “GE0712, officially named The Nijinsky. Reported missing. Am I speaking to GEP95300?”

“Uhh…” Sara seemed frozen for a moment before she realized she needed to respond. “Please explain how you know all this.”

“Is this GEP95300?” The voice asked again, calm but demanding. 

Sara looked at Yuri and he nodded slowly, stepping over to stand behind Sara. 

“This is GEC100009. Please explain why your planet doesn’t show up on our maps but you know who we are.”

“GEC100009!” The voice sounded pleased. “Yuri Plisetsky, correct?”

The name sounded wrong on their tongues and it made Yuri a little uneasy. It made Sara extremely uneasy.

“Yes… who is this?”

“My name is James. I am one of the curators of this planet.”

“Curator?” Yuri looked bewildered. “Curator of what?”

“Why don’t you come down and see for yourself. You and your pilot would be very welcome.”

“Our pilot is staying right here.” Yuri’s voice was steel as he spoke, no room in his tone for argument. “I’ll be coming to the surface with a few of our people.”

“How many?” 

“Five or six, we haven’t gotten confirmation on all the landing party. We weren’t sure we’d be able to get a call through.”

“Well, today is your lucky day.” Yuri wasn’t sure what about this conversation put him on edge. Sure, the circumstances were enough to put anyone on edge but that wasn't it. It was something in James' voice, though Yuri didn't know what that something was. “We love visitors. And once you come to the surface we can answer all your questions.”

“Sounds great. We’ll dock and call back when we’re ready to come down. Does that sound good?”

“Why don’t we send someone to meet you?”

“I’d rather we use our own shuttle to get to the surface.” Maybe what felt off was that they knew the ship was reported stolen but they didn’t seem to care. Was it a trap or were they really so outside the law that they didn’t care? Them being outside the law would explain why the planet wasn’t on any map. “If that’s fine with you.”

“It’s fine but I wouldn’t recommend it. The atmosphere is thick and hard to survive. Our shuttles are specially made for it.” 

Yuri was quiet for a long time but Sara was no longer looking at him, instead, her eyes were drawn past him to where Yuuri was staring out of the viewing window. His eyes were almost glazed over as he looked and a shiver passed through Sara. She couldn’t place why she had a bad feeling, but she did. She just wished she could explain to someone what that bad feeling was.

“We should listen to them,” Yuuri spoke softly, his eyes still glued to the screen. Even with the quietness of his voice, everyone turned to look at him. “We can trust them.” 

“Katsuki, what the fuck are you talking about?” Yuri crossed his arms. “You don’t even know them.”

“I know… but we can trust them.” 

“And how do you know that?”

Yuuri turned and smiled at everyone, his eyes holding an unsettling blankness that made everyone even more uneasy than they already were.

“I just know, okay?” 

“Yuuri, maybe you should lay down.” Sara looked between Yuri and Yuuri concernedly. “You look a little unwell.”

“I’m fine, really.” He was still smiling that unsettling smile that Sara didn’t like. “I’m just interested in this planet… I think it might help me.”

“Help… you?”

“To learn why Viktor left.”

“Do you think this planet is connected to him?” Yuri asked, not even trying to sound uninterested. The truth was, he wanted Yuuri to find Viktor. Or Yuri wanted to find him and chew him out for leaving so suddenly like he did. “An invisible planet does seem as odd as a happy man leaving in the middle of the night…” 

“Captain, I don’t know if this is a good idea.” Sara felt cold watching Yuuri. There was something about him that was just _off_ but she couldn’t tell what. His cadence was a little strange and so was his smile but those weren’t the things that felt off to her. It was something else and she couldn’t place it.

“I’m going down there with or without you,” Yuuri said, using the power he had over Yuri to his advantage and it was that that really made Sara shiver. She was sure Yuuri was at least a little aware of how much power he had over Yuri but she also was sure that Yuuri would never use that power. He just wasn't that kind of person. 

So, either Yuuri was desperate—and nothing about his posture spoke of someone desperate—or there was something wrong with him. 

“Okay, Katsuki.” Yuri was doing his best of sound flippant but he was a bit shaken by this interaction. “We’ll all go down like planned. And we’ll use these people’s shuttle. But you’re to stay close to us the entire time, you hear me?”

“Of course, Yuri.” Yuuri smiled and turned to look back at the viewing screen one more time. “It’s a nice planet.”

“I guess.” Yuri shrugged. “We need to meet Mila downstairs, let’s go.”

“See you.” Yuuri waved to Sara, Mickey also following Yuri out of the control room, and then they were all gone, leaving Sara to feel deeply, deeply concerned. 

\---

When Yuri arrived in the cargo bay, he saw that Phichit and Seung-gil were both there with Mila. Close by and looking concerned was Emil.

“Captain, what’s up?” Mila asked.

“We’re going down there.”

“We are?” Mila blinked. “You got a response?”

“Yeah…” Yuri looked back at Yuuri and Mickey behind him. “I’m not sure how I feel about going down there but I think we have to.”

“Okay…” Mila looked at Yuuri, feeling a certain amount of dread she couldn’t place. 

“Captain, what’s going on?” Emil asked. “Mila said there was a planet and–”

“Emil, you need to stay on the ship,” Yuri interrupted. “The six of us are going down to the surface and each one of you is to be extremely careful. Mila, Mickey, you two are a pair. Phichit, Seung-gil, you’re another pair. I’m with Yuuri. You are to keep your… buddy by your side at all times.” Yuri wanted an excuse to keep Yuuri close. He didn’t trust whatever was going on with Yuuri and he wasn’t about to let the idiot get himself killed or something because he was losing it. “Emil, I need to talk to you.”

Emil nodded and the two of them stepped away from the others.

“What’s wrong?”

“The people from this planet said we can’t take our own shuttle because the atmosphere is too thick. While we’re down there, I want you to scan the atmosphere and tell me if that’s true. I want to know the moment you know.” 

“Captain–”

“We might need an extraction so get Sara to start getting ready on the shuttle. If you find out the atmosphere is actually too thick then she can go back to the control room but I want her ready just in case.” 

“And if it is too thick but you need an extraction.”

Yuri started walking back to the group, pausing to flash Emil a smirk. 

“Then we’ll just have to wing it.” 

\---

Once the ship docked and they stepped onto the space dock, Yuri saw there was already someone waiting for them.

“Hello.” She bowed low as they walked over. “My name is Marissa. I’ll be taking you down to the surface.” 

She looked at each of them slowly, seeming to be trying to remember something. 

“I’ve got a couple of questions first.” Yuri wasn’t about to let these people off the hook just because Yuuri was ready to jump from this dock down to the planet. “What is this planet and why isn’t it on any maps? And how do you know who we are?”

“We are an entity outside of The Council of Stars’ control. We are a place for those seeking refuge. Once we were a colony but now we are but a museum.” 

And they must have been a colony a long time ago for them to use the term 'council of stars’ since the universal government hadn't been called that since before Yuri was born. He wasn't even sure it had been called that while his dad was alive. Occasionally his grandpa would call it that by accident but other than that, that old name had all but been forgotten.

“A museum?” Phichit asked, speaking before Yuri could point out their dated term. “Of what?”

“Emotion.” Marissa smiled. “People.” She paused for a long time, looking content. “Humanity.”

“Could you elaborate?” Phichit asked, writing into the notebook he always carried with him. 

“I’m sorry,” Marissa pointed at his camera. “You’ll have to leave that here. We don’t allow recording devices on the surface.”

“Why not?” Yuri was honestly gld Phichit was taking the lead questioning Marissa since his mind was too foggy and concerned to really think about questions. Besides, if anyone here was equipped to interrogate someone, it was the rejected journalist himself. 

“It is an old law.” Marissa seemed unfazed but Phichit’s steady gaze. “You can leave the camera here and collect it later.”

“Fine.” Phichit dropped the camera next to him, seeming uninterested in arguing that point. “But please tell me more about what this museum holds.”

Marissa laughed. “Why don’t you come down and see for yourself? Instead of questioning us, you could see for yourself.”

“We just want to know what we’re getting into.” Mila crossed her arms, obviously agitated. 

Marissa looked at Mila and stopped laughing, her eyes flitting over the rest of the group. She paid special attention to Mila, Yuri, and Seung-gil.

“There are no weapons allowed on the surface either. We are a peaceful people and you three will have to leave those guns here.”

“Captain!” Mila turned to look at Yuri. “We can’t do this. It’s too dangerous.” 

Yuri knew Mila was right. He knew they should turn around and get back on the ship. He knew all that and yet he was starting to feel something pulling him towards the planet. It was like something wanted to show him something. It was like the surface had something he had to see.

“Mila, I know. But we need to do this.”

“Why?”

Yuri turned to look at Mila, his eyes almost blank when he looked at her. It left her unsettled in the same way Sara had been by Yuuri, not that Mila knew that. 

“Trust me.”

She wanted to turn around a leave. To drag both Yuri's back to the ship. To knock some sense into them and them leave this place behind. 

But… he’d said the two words that Mila found she couldn’t argue against. She did trust him and she would keep trusting him until the moment he crossed the line. And while Mila couldn’t exactly say what that line was, she was confident she’d know it if he ever crossed that line.

And she knew he hadn’t yet. 

“Fine.” She put her gun next to Phichit’s camera, both Yuri and Seung-gil following suit. “But I don’t like this.”

“Duly noted,” Yuri said, nodding lethargically. “Marissa… is there any way you can explain how you know about us?”

“Of course, Captain.” Marissa smiled, looking first at Yuri, Mickey, and Mila. “We know a lot. We know you’re a Captain, you’re a navigator, and you’re a protector. We know that your ship was once called The Nijinsky but you call it The Puma Tiger Scorpion.” 

Seung-gil actually snorted at that, surprising Phichit who wasn’t totally sure he’d seen the other man so much as smile, let along snort out a half laugh. The sound seemed to catch Marissa’s attention and she turned to look at Yuuri, Phichit, and Seung-gil. 

“Yuuri Katsuki. Phichit Chulanont. Seung-gil Lee.” She closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths. When she spoke again, her voice seemed just a little different. It was still airy but there was a sharpness to it as well. “The heartbroken, the rejected, and the lost. A lover, an escapist, and a fugitive.” 

“What the fuck,” Seung-gil spat at her, surprising everyone with the venom in his voice. Seung-gil was kind of grumpy, sure, but none of them had ever seen such unbridled anger. Phichit had even seen some anger from him but it had been nothing like this. The only one who’d ever come close to this type of anger was Sara but even she would have been surprised by Seung-gil’s fury. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“I think what he means is, where are you getting that…” Phichit glanced around for a moment. “Information?” 

“I apologize.” Marissa smiled, opening her eyes. Her voice had lost the sharpness from earlier and everyone who’d heard it questioned if it was real to begin with. “Those of us who are curators on this planet have developed some psychic abilities. Mine involves seeing images that are associated with people. Sort of like the old earth tradition of tarot cards but with more options.”

“Stay out of my fucking head.” Seung-gil looked ready to turn back towards the ship but he exchange a brief look with Phichit and he breathed out a long, tired sigh. “Whatever.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Marissa repeated. “Now, any more questions?”

They all had plenty of questions but none of them really thought they’d get answers. Or maybe they were afraid what those answers would be.

“Great! Then why don’t we go down to the surface?” 

And as the followed Marissa to the shuttle they each found a way to convince themselves that this was a good choice. Yuuri and Yuri felt the planet calling for them. Mila and Mickey trusted Yuri. Phichit wanted answers. Seung-gil didn’t want Phichit to be left without a partner. 

They all did a good job of making this bad choice into a good one. 

\---

When they exited the shuttle, the group was met with three smiling faces. 

“Hello.” All three said, all three bowing low.

“I’m James.” One said before pointing out the other two. “And this is Maria and Jack.”

“Hello,” Yuri said, standing in front of the group and trying to decide what to do about this entire situation. 

Now that they were down on the planet, the feeling of certainty that he’d had in the docking bay was gone and Yuri felt like this might have been the worst choice he’d made to date. And he thought he’d made some pretty bad choices. 

The room they were in was all white, with white tiles on the floor and lightly patterned white wallpaper, and there was only a single desk. The rest of the room was empty despite how expansive it was. There was one door that had no label or handle and which Yuri guessed they were supposed to go through to see the ‘museum.’ 

“Is this everyone who works here?” Yuri asked.

“Yes. There have always been and will always be four curators.” James answered, Marissa moving to join the other three. “It is a special honor to be chosen as a curator.”

“And what do you do as a curator?” Phichit asked, stepping forward to stand next to Yuri. As he did, Seung-gil noticed that even though Phichit spoke with a strong and clear voice, his hands were shaking. He was holding his notebook and pen so tightly behind his back that his knuckles were white. “What does this museum display?”

“This museum is a display of humanity itself,” James explained. “Our people, the people who colonized this planet, learned the secret to a certain type of immortality. It is the immortality that you gain from living inside someone’s mind.”

“I don’t follow.” Mila was squinting at James as if she was looking for a weakness. And Yuri thought she might be. 

“You see, you live forever in the memories of people who knew and loved you, right?” Mila nodded. “Well, once, if we’re generous, your great grandchildren die, you’re forgotten and you a truly dead.” James laughed to himself even as the horror of that thought sunk into the group. “Well, we created something called Living Glass where people can be memorialized forever and future generation can see and remember them. The problem is, it’s boring if it’s just a person and a plaque so we came up with a system.”

“Each person’s personality has a leading emotion.” Mary took over from James without either of them looking at each other. Yuri wondered if that was some psychic thing or if they just practiced this speech a lot. “And each person holds important emotions. First, we made exhibits based on people’s leading emotions and their family line. It was an interesting way to look at the possible link between genealogy and personality.”

“But that gets boring quickly.” Now it was Jack doing the talking. It was starting to dawn on Yuri as these people spoke that all these people’s voices sounded disturbingly similar. “So then we started making exhibits based on single emotions. People volunteered for each emotion and we would bring out that emotion in them right before they were preserved.”

“Happiness, sadness, anger, and so many more.” Marissa smiled at everyone. “We have so many different exhibits that it’s sort of like a maze in there now. Which is why you need a curator to show you the way.”

“Okay.” Yuri looked at all four of the curators. “So are all of you going to lead our group or just one of you?”

“We were thinking,” James stepped forward. “That we could break you into three groups and you’d each get a curator. One of us really needs to stay up front so it’s really a perfect solution. 

Yuri was about to respond when his communicator started to beep.

“One second, I need to take this.” He stepped away to talk quietly into the communicator. “Emil?” 

“Captain, I finished my scans and while the atmosphere isn’t all that thick I’m still not sure we could land a ship there. There’s so much electromagnetic interference that with would take at least two expert pilots to land a ship on the planet. And… well, all we have is Sara.”

“That’s fine, Emil, thanks for the update.” Yuri almost hung up then but remembered how anxious Emil and Sara got when people were off the ship, especially after what happened on Malen. “Things are looking okay down here anyways. The people are a little creepy but I think it’s just because they don’t get much social interaction. We’ll be fine. I’ll call you again if we need anything.” 

“Okay, Captain…” Emil paused, hoping his voice didn’t sound as shaky as it felt. He just got a bad feeling from this planet that he couldn’t quite place. “Be careful.”

“We will be.” Yuri put away his communicator and turned to look at everyone with a wide smile he hoped didn’t look as fake as it was. “So, how about those tours?” 

\---

 

Yuri made sure to keep an eye on Yuuri as James lead them through room after room of human figures frozen in the glass-stuff, James—had it been James?—told them about. 

Each room was more unsettling than the last, with most of the figures’ eyes seeming to follow them around the room. Yuri knew they weren’t, these people were frozen in glass, but it felt like it. Maybe it was the knowledge that they were technically alive that made him feel watched. 

Yuuri seemed fascinated with each room, still giving off a vibe Yuri didn’t like or trust. He didn’t know what to do about the feeling, though, and just hoped they could get off of this planet as soon as possible. 

“So, where’s everyone else?” Yuri asked as the stepped from one family’s exhibit to another’s. They hadn’t even gotten to the single emotions yet. 

“Right here,” James explained as if that was the most sensible thing in the world. “They’re all right here in this museum.”

“Everyone?” Yuri asked, bewildered. “You four are the only ones left? Who will become curator when you guys die?”

“That’s our secret.” James refused to look at Yuri but there was something about his tone that made Yuri happy about that fact. He thought that maybe if James looked at him right now, he’d be terrified by what he saw. “But, yes, it’s just us four. This is our job. We each have a purpose here.”

“And what are those purposes?” Yuri narrowed his eyes. 

Only now did James turn to look at them, a wide smile on his face that unsettled Yuri more than any of his words had.

\---

“James is what we call the mind writer,” Mary explained to Phichit and Seung-gil as they were lead through another family’s exhibit. Seung-gil was making it very obvious with his body language that he didn’t want to be here but Phichit was getting more and more interested as they continued on. This place brought up so many questions and he wanted all the answers. “Marissa is a mind reader, I am a memory reader, and Jack is a memory interpreter.” 

“What do those all mean?”

“They’re really just titles,” Mary insisted. “They have to do with what we do for possible museum candidates.” 

“Possible candidates? But don’t you let everyone in here?”

“Everyone who was part of the original colony was allowed in but sometimes outsiders, like yourselves, want to stay and we have to give them a complete screening before we can allow them to.” 

“Why would anyone want to stay here, though?”

Mary looked at them both for a long time, her smile dropping off her face for longer than either of them had ever seen from her or any of the other curators. After almost a minute, she smiled again. 

“Some people are looking for answers. Some are looking to belong. Others want to run away from something. There are a lot of reasons people want to stay.” She paused then added. “Some people just want to be remembered and others… they want to forget.” 

\---

“This place creeps me out,” Mickey mumbled, glancing at the people around them. They were like silent sentinels, protecting this planet from who knew what. Currently, he and Mila were being led by Marissa through the happiness exhibit. “Are we almost done?”

“Don’t be impatient,” Marissa scolded. “You of all people should know how to wait.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Mickey asked but Marissa had already turned to point out some of the people in an exhibit. 

“We like to get different emotions within the emotions if that makes any sense. We don’t just want happiness, we want happiness with meaning.” She pointed to one of the people. “Alexander Weis, age 34. His happiness is familiar happiness, specifically the birth of his twin daughters.”

“He was frozen after his babies were born?” Mila asked, seeming horrified.

“Oh, no, they were born long before that. I think they were 12 when he was preserved.” Mila still looked horrified. “He had been given a year to live and so he decided instead of withering away, he‘d be preserved and then his daughters could come visit him and remember him whenever they wanted.” 

“Are his daughters preserved in this place too?” Mila asked, her voice small. 

Marissa seemed to be thinking for a moment before she spoke. “Yes… they’ll be coming up later.”

\---

“Barbara Malt, age 19, the sadness of a lost family.”

“19?” Phichit’s mouth fell open as he looked at the young woman, she barely looked older than 16, who was frozen with a look of unending despair on her face. “That’s so young. She had so much life ahead of her.”

“She chose this over the other choice,” Mary explained. 

“The other choice?”

But it was Seung-gil who answered, looking deeply into the eyes of Barbara. 

“She decided to preserve herself instead of killing herself.”

“Umm… yes.” Mary had the decency to look a little sad and uncomfortable. “She was a troubled young woman and she decided this was the better choice than living with the guilt and pain she was living with. She apparently blamed herself for her family’s death and couldn’t deal with that or the survivor's guilt. She’d already tried to kill herself once before she decided to be preserved.” 

“But… she could have been helped.” Phichit seemed lost and in pain, looking between Barbara, Mary, and Seung-gil. “She could have had a full life. If someone had just–”

“This was her choice.” Mary shrugged. “And now she will always be remembered. Unlike her family, who have been lost to time.” 

“No.” Seung-gil was still staring at Barbara, his face blank but his eyes just a little sad. “They aren’t lost. By preserving her and her story, they get to live on. She did the only thing left she could for them.”

Phichit shook his head, looking away from the young woman with the curly brown hair and the distraught face. Looking away from the too calm Mary. Looking away from the too enthralled Seung-gil. 

Phichit just didn’t want to look at this anymore.

“Can we move on?”

\---

“And here we have Madison and Tammie Weis.” James smiled, pointing out the only display in the room. “This is the room themed around love. Currently, we only have these two. Twins whose father you saw earlier. They love each other like only twins could.”

“How old are they?” Yuri asked because they didn’t look that old to him.

“16. We put out the call for people feeling love and they responded. We tried to talk them out of it, have them wait until they were older, but they were insistent. They wanted their love for each other to be remembered. Sisterly love between identical twins is one of the deepest and most powerful types of love so we couldn’t really turn them away once they said they wanted to be preserved.” 

“Actually, you very easily could have.” 

Yuri stared at the girls who looked so much like their father. Long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. They were wearing matching floral dresses and shiny black shoes. They didn’t even look 16, instead seeming even younger. They seemed so innocent as the held hands and stared out into the room, identical smiles on their identical faces. 

“You just don’t understand.”

Yuri smiled at James but there was no mirth in the look. “You’re right, I don’t. Now… can we go? I’ve had a good time looking around but it’s time we all went on our way. We have places to be.”

“Of course,” James said, putting a hand on Yuri's shoulder and leading him towards the exit. “Right this way.”

That was when Yuri blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The full title of this arc is Living Glass but like couldn't call it that until it's mentioned in fiction 'cause spoilers.


	16. You Couldn't Hear Me Scream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yOU SaId YOu cARED  
> COUlDN't You hAvE StAyEd  
> heaR My wakIng niGhTMArEs  
> me AlONe  
> scREAMING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update? Early update. I had to take a sick day today because I had a low-grade fever so have this early update.
> 
> This chapter has more violence than previous chapters. There are a few fights that happen but the only one I find particularly bad is near the end right after 'Mila smirked and...' so yeah. That part makes me cringe thinking about it but it's not too bad.

When Yuri came to he was laying in the bay of ship that seemed to be stationary but he still felt panic spike through his system. The ship was clean and plain, a lot of white and not much else, and after a few moments of looking around Yuri realized where he was.

He sat up quickly, his mind swimming as he did, and tried to find someone who looked familiar. Or something. After a moment of panic when he found himself alone, Yuri stood and started towards the door that he’d exited to go to that godforsaken museum. 

He was back on the shuttle they had taken from the space dock down to the surface and he was getting the hell off of here before it left the planet with only him on board.

“Yuuri!” Yuri shouted as he slammed into the main room and found two of the curators along with Mickey, Mila, Seung-gil, and Phichit. “Where’s Yuuri?”

“Yuri Plisetsky.” James smiled at him. “I’m glad to see you’re okay. We were walking through the last room and you fainted out of nowhere.” 

“You touched my fucking arm then I passed out,” Yuri didn’t even try to keep the accusation out of his voice. On the contrary, he hoped the accusation was obvious. “Where the fuck is Yuuri.” 

“You’re right here,” Marissa laughed. “You must still not be feeling well, why don’t you go lay down?”

“Captain, Yuuri is already in the shuttle. With you.” Mila explained though she didn’t look like she believed her own words. “What are you talking about?”

But Yuri ignored Mila, knowing she didn't need him to explain how the Curators had been lying to everyone. Yuri guessed the Curators hadn't expected him to wake up in time to warn the others about Yuuri's questionable whereabouts. 

“You know exactly who the fuck I’m talking about.” Yuri took a few, angry steps towards Marissa. “Where is Yuuri Katsuki?”

“Oh, that Yuuri.” Neither Marissa nor James seemed perturbed by Yuri’s anger. “He’s with Mary and Jack.” 

“You lied to us?” Mila asked.

Marissa only laughed, though, barely even sparing Mila a glance. “Simply a misunderstanding. I thought you meant this Yuri.” 

“I don’t care about lies or misunderstandings.” Yuri shot a look towards Mila that said to let him handle this and she nodded, letting him take charge. It didn't seem like the curators were interested in interacting with Mila, whereas Yuri was able to get most of their attention. “Where is Yuuri and why is he with Mary and Jack.”

“He’s being interviewed.”

“Interviewed for what?”

“To be part of the museum, of course.” James took over the conversation, stepping between Yuri and Marissa. As he did, Yuri saw Marissa slip away from the group and disappear into the museum. “He expressed interest in being apart of our collection.”

“Yuuri wouldn’t do that.” Yuri shook his head. “He had more important things to do than stay here as a piece of artwork for you people.”

“And what is so important to him? Viktor? The man who left him and broke his heart?”

“Yes! That idiot did both those things but the idiot you have in there wants to find him!” Yuri was sure. He didn’t always know how to read people and how to interpret people’s feelings but he really thought he knew Yuuri. He really felt like he understood Yuuri. “What reason would he have to stop his quest after so long? After light years and months of travel across the fucking universe, why would he choose to be a part of your trophy garden?” 

“There are many reasons why people want to be memorialized here. To be preserved.” James’ ever calm demeanor had shifted from unsettling to annoying and Yuri was about ready to punch the placidity off his face. “To be remembered. To forget.” He looked across the group, seeming to survey them. “They might want to preserve the memory of someone else in themselves. They might want to forget the things they’ve done that they regret. They might want a way to stop existing for a little bit.” 

James took in a deep breath and held it for a moment before exhaling, slow and content. 

“Some people want the pain to go away. They don’t want to be responsible for their lives or others anymore. Tell me, what does Yuuri Katsuki gain by going to the edge? The best case is he finds his Viktor and then what? How do you repair a relationship that’s been so damaged? How do you move forward? His life going forward will only be pain and maybe Yuuri Katski doesn’t want to be responsible for that anymore.” James stepped towards Yuri. “Wouldn’t you like to leave your responsibilities behind? Wouldn't you like to have only one more choice to make?” 

James then spoke to Mila. “Don’t you want to forget your mistakes? Don't you want to forget the people you let down, the people you hurt?”

Next Was Mickey. “Wouldn’t you like to stop having to worry about the people you love? Wouldn't you like to stop having to worry about how weak you are?”

Phichit didn’t look even a little fazed by this entire situation but when James turned towards him, his facade fell and he looked terrified. “Wouldn’t you love to stop wondering where your god went? Wouldn't you like to stop worrying about your purpose?”

Last was Seung-gil. “What would you give to forever memorialize those you loved? Would you give your own body and your own life?” 

“You shouldn’t talk about things you don’t know anything about,” Seung-gil responded, his voice low and angry but with a tinge of panicky despair in his eyes. 

“He’s right, asshole.” Yuri crossed his arms, nodding for everyone to come stand with him. They did and now they stood between James and the museum door. “You know nothing about us and you know absolutely nothing about Yuuri. I know Yuuri and he’s just about the strongest one of us. He isn’t about to stop searching for his idiot of a husband and he’d never choose to be part of this creepy ass place.”

Yuri turned and headed to the museum entrance, slamming it open and marching in with the rest of the landing party at his heels. 

“You shouldn’t go in without a curator,” James called after them. “You’re liable to get lost.”

But nobody heeded his warning and none of them turned to look at James who wasn’t putting up a fight. He wasn’t even trying to stop them.

Instead, he smiled a smug, self-satisfied smile then walked over to close the museum door. He then walked to the reception desk and sat behind it, leaning to speak into a small microphone. 

“Everything is proceeding as our plan B prescribed.” 

Then he sat back and closed his eyes, waiting for the perfect moment. 

\---

“Mickey, Mila, you go right,” Yuri instructed. “Seung-gil, Phichit, you head left. I’ll go straight.”

“I’m not going to let you go alone!” Mila grabbed Yuri’s arm before he could leave. “You know that’s too dangerous.”

“We don’t have time to worry about that.” Yuri tried and failed to pull out of Mila’s grip. “We have to find Yuuri as soon as possible. Everyone is allowed to use any force necessary against the curators. I don’t care if they attack first, you can attack on sight if you want.” 

“This is a bad–”

“I know it’s a bad idea!” Yuri shouted. “But we don’t have another option. Now go!” 

Mila hesitated for a moment but then let go of Yuri because at the end of the day she still trusted him. He hadn’t crossed the line yet and she trusted him. 

“Okay.” She turned to look at Mickey. “Time to go.”

Then all three groups were off running in different directions with only one thing in mind, saving Yuuri. 

\---

When Yuuri awoke he found that he had no clue where he was. He seemed to be laying on the floor which seemed strange since the people on this planet hardly seemed the type to leave guests on the floor after they passed out. 

“Hello?” Yuuri called out, sitting up and taking in his surroundings.

“Hello, Yuuri Katsuki.” The voice that spoke to him was one of the female curators but, if he was honest, he wasn’t sure which one. While Marissa and Mary had definitely looked different, their voices had been nearly identical. 

“Hello. Is this Marissa or Mary?” 

Yuuri was looking around but he found that his surroundings really only confused him more. 

He seemed to be sitting in a glass enclosure among rows of similarly empty glass enclosures. The only difference was that those were empty and his was, obviously, occupied. As Yuuri looked around, though, he found he saw none of the curators. Also, the calm he’d felt since he laid eyes on the planet was gone and he was starting to panic.

Why had he convinced Yuri to come down to the planet? Now it seemed like a terrible choice and yet then it had seemed so right. 

“This is Mary,” the voice responded, scaring Yuuri a little since he’d sort of forgotten he’d asked a question. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine, I guess,” Yuuri lied. “Why am I in this box?”

“You are a perfect specimen.” A new voice, either Jack or James, answered. “And we have a few questions for you.” 

“A perfect– what am I doing here?” Yuuri was starting to panic more than a little because he was starting to put together the pieces. These people could read minds and now he was starting to think that they could also control them. “Let me out of here! I need to find–”

“Viktor, yes.” Mary interrupted. “We know all about Viktor.” 

“We know that you were married for seven years,” Jack-James sounded almost bored by the information. “And we know he left you with little more than a note.”

“He left me with more than a note.” Yuuri was frustrated. He had things to do and places to be. What if The Potya left, thinking he wanted to stay? What if they really believed that he’d give up on his goal so easily. “I need to go.”

“But what did that note really say? That he loved you? That he was sorry?” Mary’s voice had gained a snide air that bothered Yuuri but didn’t stop the words she said from hurting. “Why not bring you with him?”

“It was too dangerous–”

“Then why lead you to him?”

“Because he had to–”

“Was it a test?”

“Well–”

“Is it really love if you have to test it?”

“Shut up! You don’t know anything about Viktor and me!”

Yuuri slapped his hands over his ears, realizing belatedly that that wouldn’t help because these voice, somehow, were coming from his mind. They talked in a long stream, seeming to talk over one another as they asked him questions without letting him even think about an answer. 

_Does Viktor love you? Could he really love you if he just left? Do you love him? Of course, you do that’s why you’re out here. He broke your heart and you’re still looking for him? Wouldn’t it be better to stay here and wait for him? Wouldn’t it be easier to just stay here and forget your heartbreak?_

“Shut up,” Yuuri said, his voice weaker as he collapsed to his knees. 

As he kneeled there, his hands still uselessly over his ears, he noticed that some sort of clear liquid was filling from the bottom of the box. It didn’t feel quite like water and he jumped up, panic partially dispelling his despair. 

“What is this?”

_Just let it happen, Yuuri Katsuki. This is for the best. If Viktor loves you he will find you. You love him and he broke your heart. You owe him nothing. You are The Heartbroken and there is nothing better for you to do than stay here._

Yuuri looked around wildly, looking for a way out because, sure, he was heartbroken, but at the very least he needed to know why. 

He wasn’t dying—or being preserved—without hearing why Viktor left. 

This was his choice and as stupid as it might be, Yuuri wasn’t about to back down.

\---

It seemed like they were running one moment and then the next they were on the floor. At least that’s what it seemed like to Mickey. In truth, what had happened was Mila had stopped abruptly and he’d run straight into her, sending them both to the ground.

“Mila, what the heck?” He asked, sitting up. “What was that for?”

But Mila didn’t respond and also didn’t attempt to sit up.

“Mila?” Mickey crawled over to where Mila was lying and found she was still, her eyes open and unblinking. “Mila? Is something wrong?”

But she didn’t respond, instead staring blankly at the ceiling like she was in some sort of trance. Before Mickey could try to shake her out of the trance, he heard a voice that seemed to be coming from his mind at that he recognized at either Mary or Marissa. 

_What is it like to be afraid to give people your love?_

“What?” Mickey shouted even though he knew the voice wasn’t coming from his general area. At least he didn’t think it was. “What are you talking about?”

_You’re so afraid to love someone that your sister is the only person you trust with your love… how sad. You love so many people but they’ll never know because you’re too afraid to tell them. You’d rather lose your chance at anything than risk being hurt._

“You– you don’t know what you’re talking about!” His voice was shaking. “You don’t know anything about me.”

_So sad… You’ll never find real love because you are The Careful._

Suddenly, it felt like someone was squeezing tightly to his head; like they were trying to break his skull open. He let out a single scream then everything went black.

\---

Yuri slowed, his breathing heavy and ragged from sprinting for an eternity through too many rooms of blank faces. He was starting to feel dizzy, not from the running but from the faces. There were so many and they all seemed to be watching him, judging him.

_You couldn’t protect him. You can’t protect anyone you love. You show your love in such a strange way. You berate and curse but then, in the end, you want to protect everyone. You can’t protect everyone. You can’t protect anyone._

Yuri looked around, trying to find the source of the voice he was hearing. It sounded like Jack or James—probably Jack because James’ cadence was the most condescending of the four and Yuri was an expert at recognizing condescension, of which there was very little in this voice—but he couldn’t be sure. Maybe his mind was using a voice he’d gotten sick of hearing to tell him the things he had long since been sick of thinking. 

_First it was your mother and your grandfather. You couldn’t protect them, though, and you let them down. Then it was Yakov but you let him down and forced him into the dangerous situation of chasing you. You love your crew and yet you keep putting them in dangerous situations. You love your passengers but you can’t protect them. You loved those strangers that you learned the government was killing for no reason but you couldn’t protect them. No, you just fled. You can’t show your love like a normal person so you try to protect but you always fail. Why even keep trying?_

“I–” Yuri wasn’t sure what he was supposed to respond. “I didn’t fail– you’re wrong.”

_You are The Protector and that’s how you show your love. You are not very good at it, though. Wouldn’t it be better for you to stop trying?_

“I– I–” Yuri’s mind began to panic, trying to find a way to force out the voice he was hearing. This wasn’t the time for this, he had to find Yuuri.

_You’ll never be a hero so why don’t you stop trying?_

Yuri didn’t even try to respond, closing his eyes in an attempt to block out what he knew couldn’t be blocked out. The moment he closed his eyes, he felt hands on his shoulders and before he could turn to see who it was, he was falling into darkness. 

\---

Seung-gil and Phichit came to a stop at a dead end, looking at each other hopelessly. How were they supposed to find Yuuri when they had no idea where they’d even be keeping him?

“Maybe we should turn back,” Phichit suggested.

“I think we hav–” Seung-gil stopped abruptly, making a choking noise before collapsing.

“Seung-gil!” Phichit ran over to Seung-gil only to feel as if someone had punched him in the gut. “Who’s there?”

_You think you can regain love by redeeming yourself? You think a good story or a good deed will save you from the rejection you’ve felt?_

“I said, who’s there?” Phichit was shouting and another punch to the gut sent him into a coughing fit. He thought the voice might be Mary but it could also be Marissa. Not that it mattered much to him. 

_But you can’t redeem yourself because you are just unwanted. Your love was rejected time and time again. Even your god rejected you. You cannot be redeemed because you are unwanted._

“You’re wrong!” Phichit shouted even as tears filled his eyes. “I’m not unwanted.” 

_You lost the family you loved because you were unwanted. You lost the job you loved because you were unwanted. You lost the person you loved because you were unwanted. You lost your god—or, your god lost you—because you were unwanted. You are unwanted. You are The Rejected._

“Stop,” Phichit pleaded with the voice. “You have no right.”

_Stay here where you can be loved for The Rejection you felt. This is the only place you can be loved. Stay with us here because you will never find love out there._

“No.” Phichit’s voice was weak and when tried to stand he felt another punch to the gut and he was sent to the ground, his mind black. 

\---

“You know that’s not going to work. Please stop struggling.” Mary sounded almost bored by Yuuri’s struggled. “Yuuri Katsuki, please stop.”

But Yuuri was doing his best to not listen to the voice as he slammed his shoulder against the glass. By now, the clear liquid was around his knees and still rising. He didn’t know how long it took for this stuff to harden and he wasn’t about to find out.

But his shoulder was getting sore and this glass wasn’t anywhere close to shattered. He knew this was a bad plan but it had been his best one. It wasn’t like he had anything that could break glass.

Yuuri took a moment to take a few breaths, speaking to Jack—Yuuri had asked which man it was to avoid having to think of him as both Jack and James—and Mary for the first time in a while. 

“Why me? Can you answer me that? Why did you do all of this to get me?”

“You attracted us,” Jack explained. “All curators are highly Attuned. More so that normal humans. You and Yuri Plistesky are also Attuned more than normal humans. You caught our interest because your Attunement nearly matches ours, which is improbable in normal humans. To have you and the moderately attuned Plisetsky on the same ship seemed impossible. We were interested in who you were and then when we realized your love would be perfect for our museum, we couldn’t resist you.” 

“Attunement? What is that?” 

“It’s Attunement.” Yuuri could practically hear Mary’s shrug. “We can’t understand how you are so Attuned and yet seem unaware of it.”

“I don’t know what that is,” Yuuri told them, returning to slamming into the glass as the liquid reached his middle. “How can I use something I know nothing about?”

“We were born aware.” Jack was using the same complacent tone as Mary now. “So we can’t help you. But your and Yuri Plisetsky’s unaware attunement made it easy for us to control you both. Though you are both such bright spots that when you’re near your friends it’s hard to control them.”

“How about you stop trying to control people?” Yuuri suggested, wishing he had something to break the glass with. But he was alone in this empty box. Okay, empty wasn’t the right word given the rising liquid but it still worked. “And maybe you should let me out before I break this.”

“You’re not going to break it,” Mary sighed. “The glass can’t be broken by something like a human shoulder.” 

Yuuri slammed into the glass, barely any force behind that hit as he remembered that he might have something to break the glass with. 

He reached under his shirt and pulled out the medallion—39 percent, he was getting so close—and smiled at it.

“Yuuri Katsuki, that is not going to work.” Jack scolded. “That’s gold, a very soft metal. There’s no way–”

As he spoke, Yuuri swung the medallion around a few times before swinging it straight into the glass. Just as Jack was saying there was no way this would work, the glass shattered and the liquid rushed out, pulling Yuuri with it. 

“How?” Mary was shrieking in his mind. “James! Get him under control.”

“No!” Yuuri shouted at them. They couldn’t just control his mind anymore. He wasn’t going to let them. He had to find Viktor and he had to find him soon. “Your Attunement might make you powerful but you will not touch my mind again.”

He imagined building walls and putting up defenses, all the things that he’d read in fantasy books about people with psychic abilities. If he really shared whatever gave these people the ability to read and control minds, then he should be able to repel them too. 

He waited for a few moments before he realized that there was no sound left. No taunting or tired voice talking to him in his mind. He was alone and he smiled, letting relief wash over him for a moment before his anxiety came rushing back. 

How was he going to get out of here? 

Without a better plan—he really hated that he had no plans right now—he put a hand on one wall and started walked. If this place was a maze, he’d just have to find his way out. Hopefully, he wouldn’t run into any of the curators on the way out but… well, he wasn’t as weak in a fight as he'd been letting the people on The Potya assume.

So, with his right hand on one wall and his medallion held in the other, Yuuri walked through the warehouse-like maze he was trapped in. He expected to find the curators or the exit before he saw a familiar face but that wasn’t to be.

For a moment he was happy to see Phichit’s face until he realized it was behind glass and he was chest deep in that clear liquid. He was shouting, his words only half understandable to Yuuri as he walked to the glass. 

Without thinking, Yuuri swung his medallion at Phichit’s glass and it shattered. Yuuri was barely able to cover his face against the glass and liquid as Phichit spilled out of the container, still shouting at what seemed like nobody.

“You’re wrong! I’m not–! That’s not how it happened!”

Yuuri grabbed onto Phichit, shaking him. “Phichit! Don’t listen to them!”

After not much shaking and even less shouting, Phichit’s eyes cleared and he stared at Yuuri for a long time before he threw his arms around Yuuri’s neck.

“You’re okay!”

Yuuri laughed a little, “I feel like I should be saying the same about you.”

“We came to look for you then there were these voices–” Phichit was sobbing against Yuuri’s shoulder now, the weight of the entire situation finally hitting him. “They kept saying such terrible things–”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri cooed, patting Phichit on the back. He was used to doing this for Viktor after one of his nightmares and he just hoped it would work with Phichit. “They were lying. Whatever they said was lies.”

“You don’t think I’m annoying, right?”

“No, not at all.” Yuuri pulled away and smiled at Phichit. “I know we had a rough start, but I like being your friend, okay?”

Phichit smiled and nodded, wiping his tears away. “How’d you get out?”

Yuuri held up his medallion and Phichit laughed.

“What about the mental stuff?”

“I don’t know, I just told them to get out of my head and they did.” Phichit looked dumbstruck and Yuuri shrugged, smiling apologetically. “I don’t really understand either. Now, come on, we have to see if anyone else is in here.” 

Just as he said that they both heard a shout from close by and with only a single look they were both off running towards the shout. 

\---

It didn’t take them long to locate the shout, it was just a row down from Phichit, and they saw it was Mickey. Yuuri didn’t waste any time, breaking the glass quickly and easily. 

Mickey wasn’t even saying anything as Yuuri shook and yelled at him. He was quick to come out of his trance state, though it took him a while to speak. Even then it was only simple questions, his usual grumpiness gone and replaced with a sort of timidness that unsettled Yuuri. 

Before Yuuri could say anything about what they should do next a voice—he thought it was James—spoke. Not in their minds but over an actual loudspeaker.

“Fine, Yuuri Katsuki. You want to play games? We can play a game. Your three friends are close to you but you cannot save all three of them before they are preserved. After that, we are the only ones who can reverse the process. You have to pick. Yuri Plisetsky, Mila Babicheva, or Seung-gil Lee?” 

“Mickey, you get Mila. Phichit, you get Seung-gil. I’ll get Yuri. Sound good?” 

They all nodded and started to run off in search of their friends all while James was finally letting his slight annoyance edge towards anger.

“You can’t save them all! Only Yuuri Katsuki can save them, you’ll see!” 

But none of them were listening anymore, instead intent on one thing: getting out of this place with the people they loved. 

\---

When Mickey came upon Mila he finally realized that they hadn’t thought this through. He didn’t have a medallion that was too strong to be gold or anything else to break this glass. But he saw what they meant by ‘they could only save one’ since Mila was up to her neck now. 

The most unsettling thing was that she wasn’t even fighting. She was standing still, Her arms crossed protectively over her chest as she looked wistfully off to the side. The glass hadn’t even finished filling yet and she already looked like one of those statues from the museum and Mickey didn’t like it. 

“Mila, hey, are you there?” Mickey shouted, hoping she could hear him. “Listen to me, we need to get you out of there but I’m not sure how. It will help if you stop listening to those voices.” What had Yuuri said to him? “They’re wrong, okay. I don’t know what they’re saying, but they’re wrong.”

When he got no response, Mickey started looking around for something to break the glass with. That’s when he noticed a panel on the tank that seemed to be some computer system. He just hoped it was one he could understand. He wasn’t quite a tech genius, not like Yuri or Emil, but he was pretty okay with computers and he might be able to do this.

“Come on, Mila,” Mickey said as he sat in front of the computer. “Sara will kill me if you die.”

He wished he had more time.

\---

The voices were gone but Mila knew what they’d said was right. 

They’d called her love The Quiet and they were right. 

They were also right that she was afraid of people knowing how she felt about the people she loved. She was afraid to have that love be used against her. 

They’d used her mother against her and the rest of the crew. They done the same to Mickey, Sara, and Emil. 

Years ago, they’d made her choose between people she loved and she wouldn’t let it happen again.

Mila didn’t want to put anyone she loved in danger and, more than that, she didn’t want to watch them be used against her. Because she fought to save the people she loved so how could she decide between people she loved and the right thing? Or between two people she loved?

She couldn’t and the best thing to do was to stay here, to let herself be preserved. Her love would be preserved and it would be safe. She wouldn’t let Sara—wouldn’t let anyone—turn into another Asya. 

Even so, she wished she’d told Sara how she felt. Sure, she’d said the words, but they were in anger and in fear. She’d never really said ‘I love you’ because she’d been so afraid. She wished she’d told Sara everything and explained why she was so, so afraid.

She wished... 

Her mind was starting to go blank when she felt a strange shifting and then she realized it felt like she was being held in someone’s arms. She blinked a few times, trying to clear the liquid in her eyes that made it hard to see. She only half succeeded and she was just barely able to see. 

She looked at the person holding her and found that it was someone she knew. Or eyes she knew.

“Sara,” Mila gasped, grasping at Sara’s shirt. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I never really said I loved you. I was too afraid. I’m sorry. I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Mila, calm the hell down.” That voice wasn’t Sara’s and as Mila blinked more she realized the person wasn’t Sara but instead Mickey. “I don’t really need to hear about how you love my sister but if you want to tell her yourself, you better get up because we have company.”

Mila turned in Mickey’s arms and saw that they were trapped in a dead end hallway with Mary standing between them and freedom looking very, very unhappy. 

\---

 

Phichit had already pulled out the keychain he kept with him before he even found Seung-gil. On it was a glass breaker because he was a journalist and he knew all too well the kinds of situations a person could get into. He was prepared for anything and that included being stuck behind glass that needed to be broken. 

He also had a pocket knife attached to it that he didn’t consider a weapon and so felt no need to give up on the shuttle. Even if he’d seen it as a weapon, like hell would he have given it up.

Phichit rounded a corner and found Seung-gil in a glass container almost full to the top with that liquid glass. Seung-gil was completely covered and on his knees, hands pressed together in prayer. His eyes were closed and for a moment Phichit thought he was too late. But he could see the liquid still rising and so he made a quick move to break the glass but when he hit it with the glass breaker it made only a small hole. It slowed the filling of the glass just enough for him to notice but now Phichit was left unsure what to do. 

He looked down at his shoes, trying not to panic, and remembered something important about his shoes. 

There was a reason he wore steel-toed boots and there was a reason he’d convinced an old man from his hometown to train him while he and his, at the time, girlfriend had been making plans to leave their home planet together. 

“Okay, Seung-gil, you’re gonna want to see this.” Phichit joked shakily as he took a few deep breaths and tried to remember the things that were, after all these years, ingrained in his memory. “It’s going to be awesome.” 

Normally, he’d be sure to kick with the side of his foot but since the toe of his boot was steel and, if he was remembering his physics correctly, he needed to hit the glass with as small of a surface area as possible to hopefully shatter the glass. That was supposed to be how his glass breaker worked. 

He kicked the glass once and nothing happened. 

_Thwack._ Still nothing.

“Okay, once more. Then I’ll try something else.” 

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment before he tried again. There was a moment when he didn’t think it had worked but then he saw the glass webbing and he barely had time to get out of the way before the glass shattered from the water pressure. Out spilled the liquid glass and also Seung-gil, moved by the weight of the rushing liquid. 

But when the glass was broken, Seung-gil didn’t stir. He laid on the ground, unmoving and with his hands still clasped together. 

“Seung-gil?” Phichit kneeled down next to Seung-gil, unsure whether or not to touch him. “Seung-gil?”

Slowly, Seung-gil’s eyes opened and because of the liquid glass still sticking to his skin, it wasn’t obvious at first that he was crying. He was crying a steady stream of small, silent tears from eyes that held so much despair and so much loss. 

Phichit had seen anger, frustration, and boredom on Seung-gil face before. He’d even seen contented happiness. But this… this was something he’d never seen and it scared him. 

Without thinking about the consequences, Phichit pulled Seung-gil into his arms and pulled Seung-gil close to his chest in an awkward half hug. 

“I don’t know what they said, but they’re wrong.” 

“But they’re not,” Seung-gil croaked. His voice was either broken by his tears or from being in the liquid, but Phichit couldn't be sure which one it was. “The Lost is a nice way to put it.”

“The Lost?”

“My love.” Seung-gil closed his eyes. “They were being kind. This is the best place for me. You should just leave me.” 

“What are you talking about?” Phichit shook his head, not sure what Seung-gil could be thinking. “That’s crazy, we’re not leaving you here.”

“If I stay here at least they’ll be remembered! Not just lost to time.”

“Who?”

“My family.” Seung-gil looked like he was in pain. “They’re dead and if I’m here then at least someone will remember them.”

“Your family…” Phichit took a long, shuddering breath, somehow not expecting this from Seung-gil. He knew from the bits and pieces he’d seen and heard that Seung-gil was a deserter and he knew his sister was probably dead but he never expected the same for the rest of the young man’s family. How could he have expected it? “Seung-gil, it’s not your job to destroy yourself for them. I doubt they’d want that. It’s not your fault they’re gone.”

“But it is!” Seung-gil shouted, struggling in of Phichit’s grip but not gaining any freedom because of the awkward position they were in. “It’s my fault. I killed them.”

“Seung-gil, what are you talking about?” Phichit asked, not letting Seung-gil get away from him.

“I– My home planet was in rebellion.” He stopped fighting, his eyes closing as the words spilled out of him in an attempt to convince Phichit to just leave him. “They just wanted independence. I was in the Constellation Fleet because I always wanted to be a pilot. That’s all I wanted. They sent us to quell a rebellion. Nobody told us where. I didn’t ask. It wasn’t until after–” 

Seung-gil’s hands were balled into such tight fist that Phichit could see blood starting to run out of his right fist, his nails making easy work of his skin. Phichit tried to pry one open but Seung-gil wasn’t having it, seeming intent on digging his nails deeper and deeper into his skin. 

“That’s not your fault.” Phichit pulled Seung-gil tight against his chest, surprised when he felt tears leaking out of his own eyes and into Seung-gil’s hair. “You can’t blame yourself for something like that.”

“We didn’t even know they were civilians.” Seung-gil murmured, his voice weak and vulnerable. “Nobody told us. They said we were only hitting military targets. I– but it doesn’t matter. Even if it had been military targets on a planet I’d never heard of, I’d still be killing people. Don’t you get it? I’m a murderer and it was only a matter of time before I hurt the people I loved. If I stay here I won’t hurt anyone, I won’t lose anyone, and the people I killed will be remembered.”

“It’s not your fault,” Phichit repeated, not sure what else to say. He’d done some reports on the CF’s attacks. He’d tried to do reports on the pilots but had been told to stand down. Like so often, he knew so much but not enough. It was never enough. “It’s not your fault.”

“As touching as this is,” Phichit looked up and saw they were blocked in by Jack. “I think we need to put an end to it. Maybe, though, we can make a nice exhibit for the two of you to stay in together. That might be nice.”

“Seung-gil, stay here,” Phichit sat Seung-gil down on the ground before standing and wiping his tears away. “You don’t have to fight anymore.” 

And with a single breath, Phichit started towards Jack and hoped that Jack was as weak as he looked. 

“Why can’t you just let us go?” Phichit asked as he walked towards Jack. “We don’t want to hurt you.”

Jack only laughed, “You think you can hurt us?”

Phichit took that as his cue and took a swing at Jack, landing a direct hit on his jaw that sent pain shooting through Phichit’s fist and seemed to not do much to Jack. His head was knocked backward and he made a sound that sounded like pain but then he was looking back at Phichit, a smile on his face. 

Jack took a swing at Phichit and he was dancing back, putting space between the two of them. Then he took a half a step forward, set up his body, and moved in for a kick. He thought he would land it but then he felt Jack catch his foot. 

He didn’t even have time to struggle before Jack had twisted his ankle painful around and he was falling but it didn’t mean much, the pain in his ankle enough to block out the pain of hitting the floor. As Phichit fell, his keychain went flying from his pocket, sliding to a stop at Seung-gil’s feet.

“Well, that was unpleasant,” Jack said with his same, placid smile. “Seung-gil, please be a dear and just don’t fight.”

Seung-gil took a few, deep breaths as his eyes stared at Phichit’s keychain. His ears were ringing with the shout Phichit had let out as he hit the floor and his blood was burning with anger over the possibility of losing someone else he cared about. 

His hands closed around the pocket knife, switching it open as he stood.

“Seung-gil, don’t do this. I don’t want to hurt you too.”

But his mind was made up—as if Jack could have changed his mind—and he ran towards Jack, confidence in himself gaining as he did. Seung-gil might be a pilot, might have been trained in the air, but he was not just a pilot. He’d been trained by the military and he’d been trained by the rough streets of his childhood. He could beat Jack in this fight because he had more training and, also, because he had more to lose. 

Jack tried to block the knife but Seung-gil dodged and sunk the small knife into Jack’s abdomen. He reached down to protect himself and Seung-gil pulled the knife out, swinging it into Jack’s arm and stabbing him a few times in the arm. 

Jack staggered backward and Seung-gil stabbed the knife into his leg, sending Jack to the ground. Without a thought towards the consequences, he stabbed it into Jack’s chest then turned back towards Phichit, pocketing the knife as he did.

“Seung-gil?” Phichit muttered as Seung-gil slid an arm under his arms. “Where’s Jack?”

“Don’t worry about him,” Seung-gil told him, walking them both towards what he thought was the exit. “We’re fine now.”

As they passed Jack, Seung-gil was surprised to see that there was no blood surrounding the body. He’d expected blood and assumed he hadn’t noticed it simply because he wasn’t paying attention but there was really no blood.

As he crouched down to look at the body, Phichit standing on one leg to his side, they both were surprised by the sound of bodies crashing to the ground. 

When their heads whipped around, they both took a moment to process what they were seeming but, soon enough, they both realized they were looking at Mila and Mary, both fighting for their lives. Mila was punching at Mary’s throat but that didn’t seem to be doing much good, as if the woman didn’t need air. 

Seung-gil looked back at Jack, realizing suddenly why there was no blood.

“Mila!” He shouted, surprising her and allowing Mary to get the upper hand. “They’re robots! She's not human!” 

Mila smirked and, in one quick move, flipped Mary onto her back and grabbed onto the woman’s ankles. With a quick motion and a snap that made Phichit and Seung-gil both flinch away, she broke both of Mary’s legs. 

She turned to look at Seung-gil and Phichit as Mickey joined her, “Where’s Yuuri and the Captain?” 

\---

_You cannot protect anyone._

“I know.”

_You don’t know how to just tell people how you feel._

“I know.”

_You think protection is the same as love._

“I _know_.” Yuri sighed, not sure why he was still bothering to talk to the voice in his head. It wasn’t even Mary or Jack anymore, they’d fallen silent awhile back. Now it was just the voice he always heard, the one that constantly told him he was doing the wrong thing. 

Sure, it had hurt to hear from someone who wasn’t just the doubt in his own mind, but Yuri wasn’t that hurt by the words of Jack and Mary. He knew them all too well.

The only thing that had meant anything to him was that they were right that him being out there in the world wasn’t helping anyone. He’d almost gotten Yuuri killed within a few weeks of meeting him. He’d nearly gotten his crew killed time and time again. He was probably putting his family in danger right now. He was putting his passengers in danger by having them on board. 

He was an idiot. 

If he just stayed here then everyone he loved would be protected. Staying here would be his last attempt at protecting the people he cared about and if it didn’t work then… well, he wouldn’t be around to deal with that. 

He’d finally come to peace with the place he was in and the future he had before him but then, like a sign from a god he never could believe in, his word shattered and he was laying on the ground while someone shouted at him. 

“Yuri! Hey, don’t do this right now. We don’t have time for you to give up on us.”

Yuri forced his eyes open, glaring at the face of Yuuri. 

“Who the hell do you think you are?” Yuri asked and Yuuri only smiled. “What’s so funny?”

“I’m just glad you’re okay.” 

“That’s my line.” Yuri struggled to sit up, pulling himself from Yuuri’s arms. “What happened to you?”

“James has some sort of mind control ability. The moment we saw that space station I think he’d had a grip on my mind. Something about attunement.” 

“Attunement?” Yuri raised an eyebrow but Yuuri only shrugged. 

“I don’t really understand it either. They said you and I are ‘attuned’ but they didn’t really explain much more.”

“So how’d you break the mind control? How’d you get out of the tank.” Yuri paused before adding, “How’d you ignore the voices?”

“Well with Mary and Jack I just knew they were wrong.” Yuuri shrugged like that wasn’t an amazing feat. “With James, I just tried to block him out. If he’s Attuned and can control minds then I thought maybe I could keep him out.” 

“You’re insane, Katsuki.” Yuri shook his head and struggled to stand. “I don’t know how–”

Yuri stopped short, his eyes catching on a calm, smiling face standing in the way of their escape. Yuuri turned and felt his stomach drop, afraid of what they’d have to do to get out of here.

“Yuuri Katsuki, we never thought you’d be so much trouble. You and your friends have really made a mess of our home.” 

“You should have let us go.” Yuuri shook his head. “That was your mistake. Now we’re leaving.”

“You’re not going anywhere.” Marissa smiled, her body relaxed. “You’re all staying right here.”

“Katsuki, step back.” Yuri started, getting ready for a fight. But Yuuri pushed Yuri behind him, flashing him with a smile.

“I’ve got this.”

\---  
 _  
“I had a lot of fun tonight.” Viktor smiled sheepishly at his shoes, not at all the man that Yuuri thought he was when they first met. “Can I ask you something?”_

_“What is it?” Yuuri asked, trying to ignore his anxiety that he knew was just telling lies._

_“Can I… umm… sorry, but, I was wondering if I could kiss you?” Yuuri was surprised by the deep blush on Viktor’s cheeks. He wasn’t at all the confident man Yuuri had first met on the same street they were now on, standing alone under a streetlight._

_They were farther down from where they first met, back when Yuuri watched Viktor get into a fight with a couple of muggers, but it was still the same street and somehow, that held a lot of significance for Yuuri._

_They were standing outside of Viktor’s apartment and Yuuri absentmindedly wondered what the inside of it looked like. He wondered what Viktor’s bedroom would look like._

_But before Yuuri could give an answer, the door to Viktor’s apartment building swung open, revealing three tough-looking men and an even tougher looking woman._

_“Nikiforov, how long until you give us the money?” The woman asked._

_“I don’t owe you any money.” Viktor’s features turned from blushing bride to bored mobster in no time flat and it made Yuuri wonder if Viktor_ was _a bored mobster. “Go hustle someone else.”_

_“You owe us money for what you did to our guys a few weeks ago.” The woman explained, all four people walking towards Viktor and Yuuri. Yuuri could tell Viktor was putting himself between Yuuri and the strangers but he hated it. He didn’t need to be protected. “You screwed them up pretty bad and sent them to jail. We lost money.”_

_“That’s not my problem.”_

_Yuuri suddenly realized one of the four strangers was gone and before he could flip around to look for him, his hands were held behind him and there was a knife to his throat. Normally, he wouldn't be so sloppy but the wine they’d had at dinner was starting to hit him._

_The woman smiled and tsk-ed, her eyes moving to look at where Yuuri was struggling against the man._

_“It would be a shame if something happened to your pretty boy-toy.” She turned her smile back to Viktor. “If you just give us the money, nothing will happen to him.”_

_Viktor looked angry but the moment he looked at Yuuri, he deflated._

_“Fine, just let me–”_

_But Yuuri wasn’t having any of that. Sure, originally he’d learned to fight as a child to counteract bullies but now it was just for general protection. And a little fun. Sure, competition was too stressful for him to do anymore, but he still practiced at least a few times a week to keep in shape._

_He grabbed the man’s wrist, twisting his arm around and pulling the wrist down. He let out a shout and dropped the knife, allowing Yuuri turn and kick him in the groin, which put him out of commission for long enough that Yuuri could move to the other two men while Viktor seemed busy with the woman._

_Yuuri managed a kick to one of the men’s solar plexus and he fell, out of breath. If he had time, he’d check to make sure he was okay later. For now, he moved onto the other man. None of them were particularly well trained, though, because it was easy for him to break through their defenses. It took a single feint to his solar plexus for the man’s defenses to drop low on his body, exposing his neck and head. A punch to the throat and a sweep of the legs sent him to the ground next to his friend._

_Viktor was doing well on his end and Yuuri knelt to check on the two men as the one who had held him up started to stand. The two on the ground seemed fine and so, when Viktor sent the woman to the ground, Yuuri grabbed Viktor and pulled him into the apartment building._

_For a moment Viktor seemed confused but when Yuuri pulled his phone out to call the police, Viktor got the hint and lead them to his apartment._

_“The police are on their way,” Yuuri sighed, leaning his forehead into Viktor’s chest. “Does this happen a lot to you?”_

_“It’s only been these two times, I swear.” Viktor laughed, though he seemed shaken. “You’re okay?”_

_“Yeah, I’m fine.” Yuuri looked up a Viktor. “You’re okay?”_

_Viktor nodded, “I was scared when they had you… I didn’t know you could fight like that.”_

_Yuuri shrugged, smiling at Viktor. “I’m full of surprises.”_

_“Obviously,” Viktor snorted but then his face softened. “I’m glad you’re okay.”_

_“I’m glad you are too.” Yuuri smiled at his feet then leaned up to kiss Viktor, short but soft. “I still had fun tonight.”_

_Viktor’s face turned red and he sputtered, making Yuuri laugh and lean his forehead back into Viktor’s chest._

_They stayed like that in silence until the police showed up to take statements but for those few minutes, everything felt… nice.  
_

\---

Yuri blinked, barely understanding what he was seeing. But there Yuuri was with Marissa pinned easily to the ground. She struggled but there wasn’t much she could do—Yuuri had won. 

Just as Yuri ran over to join Yuuri, the rest of the group came around a corner. Mila and Mickey looked okay, though Mila had obviously been in a fight. Phichit was being helped to walk by Seung-gil and it looked like he’d hurt his ankle. 

“They’re robots,” Mila shouted when she saw them. “You have to incapacitate them somehow.” 

Yuuri looked conflicted for a moment then he hit Marissa over the head and she stopped struggling. Everyone looked at Yuuri as he rose slowly, shock evident in the air. His face was serious as he looked around at everyone.

“Let’s get off of this planet.” 

Nobody was going to argue with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget, next chapter is the last in this arc and will be the last before my month-long hiatus!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading :D


	17. I Lost A Little of Myself on the Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'd give the world for you to be safe from this. I'd give it all for you to be free of this. I'd give my life if that's what it took to make everything okay again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try to be as vague as possible but let's just say there are two warnings for this chapter: slightly graphic gunshot wounds (not that bad but still) and also implied sexual content. I'm sure that seems confusing but... well...

When the group got back to the main room, Yuri took charge as best as he could. He was still soaked from the liquid glass and a bit weak from the entire experience. He was also still shaken from learning that Yuuri was apparently one of the strongest fighters on The Potya. Yuri had always assumed he didn’t take Mila up on her offers of hand-to-hand practice because he didn’t like to fight. He would never have guessed Yuuri was a trained fighter. 

But now wasn’t the time for him to break. They needed a plan to get off this planet.

“Put that table under the doorknob,” Yuri commanded. “We don’t want them getting inside.”

While Mila and Yuuri were busy doing that, Yuri testing his communicator and was glad to find it still worked. 

“Sara? Emil? Is anyone there?”

“Captain!” Sara’s voice sounded desperate and weak. “You’re okay. We were so worried when you didn’t check in. And then we couldn’t get a call through–”

“I know, Sara.” Yuri sighed, wishing he had time to comfort her. Wishing he knew how to comfort her. “We’re all more or less okay. But we’re going to need to fly up to you guys. I want you to get the ship ready to leave immediately. We need to be able to jump when we’re back on board. I don’t care where. We just need to go.” 

“What’s going on.”

“It’s a long story.” Yuri shook his head. “We’ll explain later.” 

“You better.” Sara sounded actually angry and Yuri hoped that Mila or Mickey would have to deal with that. She probably wasn’t going to forgive any of them for a while about this entire thing. Especially since she really didn’t want them to go down to the planet. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Yep.” Yuri turned to look at his group, his face grim. “Emil told me earlier that the atmosphere really is… strange. He said two skilled pilots could pilot their way through the atmosphere. Yuuri, Seung-gil, that’ll have to be you two.”

“Nobody is going anywhere.” Yuri groaned, turning to look towards the voice that had to be James. He had about had it with these curators and wasn’t sure how James still thought he could stop them.

“James, just let us go–” Yuri’s words were stopped short when he turned and saw that James, unlike his three counterparts, was armed. “James, put that down.”

“Don’t give me orders.” The gun in his hands was steady and currently pointed at Yuri but the moment Mila moved towards him, the gun was quickly on her. “Don’t move. I’ll shoot you, don’t think I won’t. Of all six of you, you’re the least valuable person here so don’t think I won’t kill you.”

“James, what the fuck is going on?” Yuri was sure they could get out of this but he just wasn’t sure they could get out of this without further harm coming to the group. 

“All we wanted was Yuuri Katsuki. All we wanted was him and maybe Yuri Plisetsky. But you all had to make this difficult.”

“But why?” Phichit asked, leaning heavily against Seung-gil as his body grew more and more tired. “Why do you want Yuuri?”

“He’s strongly Attuned. Much like the curators. Yuri Plisetsky is moderately Attuned and that made him moderately interesting.” James shook his head, his voice more than a little agitated. “I’m not explaining all this to you. You’re all going to do what I say or I will kill you all. Jack is dead. Marissa may be dead too. I’m not sure what Mary’s status is. You’ve done a lot of damage to us.”

“You’re robots!” Mila cried. “You’ll just replace the others!”

“It’s more complex than that.” James shook his head. “None of you would understand. Curators have to be chosen and trained. It takes time. It means taking people away from the museum. So much time and so many resources, lost and all because you six had to try to run.”

“We’re not trying,” Yuri crossed his arms. “We’re leaving.”

“I don’t think so.” James’ aim was steady but Yuri could tell his mind was less than stable. He didn’t understand how a robot’s mind could be unsteady, but he guessed if an android could be sentient, then anything was possible. “You’ve all proved to me you need to be in this museum. Maybe I’ll mix up the exhibits a little though.” He gestured the gun towards Mila and Mickey, “In-laws to be.” He gestured to Seung-gil and Phichit. “Blossoming love.” Ignoring the sputtering from both groups, he gestured to Yuri and Yuuri. “A familial love stronger than blood.”

“Stop talking out of your ass.” Mila took a step forward and the gun was back on her. She didn’t look particularly scared of the gun, though. “You’re not keeping us here.”

“Maybe I’ll shoot you just for fun.” James took a step towards Mila. “You all seem to think violence is fun, that it’s the answer. Maybe I should try it out? Maybe I should see–”

James was so focused on Mila that he hadn’t noticed Seung-gil hand Phichit off to Yuuri. He didn’t notice Seung-gil creeping over and he didn’t notice Seung-gil’s attack until the man had James’ wrist and he had disarmed him. 

The gun skidded across the floor without going off, stopping at Mila’s feet. She picked up the gun and pointed it at James, who didn’t looked scared. 

“Yuuri Katsuki.” He barely spared Mila a glance. “I don’t know how you did this. Not only did you protect your own mind from me, but you protected theirs too. I guess we were wrong. Yuri Plisetsky isn’t The Protector, you are.”

James smiled at Yuuri one more time then took a step towards Mila, his hands starting to reach up. He didn’t finish reaching up, though, before Mila pulled the trigger. To their surprise, and horror, there was a graphic spray of what looked like brain matter when she pulled the trigger and when he fell it looked less like a robot had been shot and more like a person. 

The gun dropped out of Mila’s hand and she clapped a hand over her mouth, looking like she was going to throw up. Mickey looked away too, grabbing Mila’s shoulders and leading her towards the exit. Seung-gil went back for Phichit and the two limped towards the door, neither looking at James. 

“Not a robot, then?” Yuuri asked. “Was he the only human?” 

Yuri blinked but then shook his head, some of James’ statements making more sense to him. “I think they were all human, once.”

“What do you mean?”

Yuri rubbed a hand over his face, unable to look away from James’ body.

“They probably were human brains in robot bodies.” Yuri shook his head and Yuuri stepped forward to nudge him towards the door. “We were killing people.”

“You didn’t kill anyone,” Yuuri pointed out. “And we were defending ourselves.”

“I’m the captain here,” Yuri took one last look at James and at the museum’s lobby, its white floors stained with dirt and brain and some blood from someone in their group. “I’m responsible for the actions of my crew. We killed people. I killed people. Maybe we were right to do it but… we still did it.”

“I know.” Yuuri didn’t try to force Yuri through the door, letting the young man take in the situation. 

Yuuri rarely saw Yuri so vulnerable and he wasn’t going to force him to be strong. He was an adult, technically, but in a lot of ways he was still a child and Yuuri wasn’t going to force him to be the adult everyone wanted him to be. Not now. Not right now. 

“This doesn’t get easier, does it?”

Yuuri didn’t have much experience killing people but he was pretty sure he knew the answer to that question. He also suspected Yuri wasn’t really asking about killing. 

“No… not really.” 

“Okay.” Yuri turned then, allowing himself to be lead out of the lobby and towards the shuttle that would hopefully take them home. “Let’s go.” 

\---

Emil met them at the dock but Yuri just put up a hand and shook his head. Emil nodded, looking worriedly over the group as they all walked back to the ship.

While they were making their slow ascent back to the dock, Mickey had wrapped Phichit’s ankle and also patched up Yuuri. It turned out he’d cut himself on one of the three tanks he’d broken but it hadn’t been too bad. Now, everyone was just tired. 

Yuri sighed as he stepped onto The Potya, glad to be back. He walked to the intercom and called up the control room.

“Sara, get us into a jump.” Yuri tried not to let Sara hear how tired he was but it was hard. He just wanted to lay down and try to forget everything. “You have the next jump routed, right?”

“Yes…” Sara sounded a lot better than she had when Yuri called in earlier. “Yuri–?”

“Not right now.” Yuri wasn’t doing this. He wasn’t ready to be a good captain just yet and even less ready to be a good friend. “Just… we all need to sleep. Get us into a jump and then you should sleep too.”

“Okay, Captain.” Sara didn’t ask anything else. She’d so rarely heard Yuri sound so tired and out of it. It scared her and she hoped everyone was actually okay. She suspected regardless of physical state, nobody was okay. “I’ll have us in a jump in five minutes.”

“Thanks, Sara.” Yuri turned away from the intercom and looked over the group. “Get something to eat if you’re hungry but I doubt anyone is that hungry right now. After that, we all need some sleep. So… just…” Yuri sighed, shaking his head. “Just do that, okay?” 

“Sounds good, Captain.” Mila nodded. “I’m actually going to go get something to eat. Maybe make some tea, if anyone’s interested.” 

“I’m good,” Phichit smiled but it was strained. “I think I’ll just go to bed.”

“Same for me.” Yuuri was the least perturbed of anyone but even he didn’t look great. “Make sure you sleep, Yuri.”

“Don’t mother me,” Yuri shot back as everyone but Emil and Mickey headed upstairs, no heat in his voice. He had no energy left for that. 

“Mickey…?” Emil looked uncertain about whether he should say anything or not. “What happened down there?”

“The place is…” Mickey shook his head, the curator's words still echoing in his fuzzy mind. “Emil?”

“Yeah?”

“Could we–” Mickey shook his head and Emil looked on worriedly. 

“What’s wrong?” Emil took a step towards Mickey. “Please talk to me.”

“I–” Mickey tried again but his voice failed him and so, instead, he closed the distance between him and Emil. He grabbed the back of Emil’s head, pulling his head down and crashing their mouths together. The words buzzing around his mind finally faded and he was left with blank nothingness that felt nice. 

The two of them staggered backward until Mickey’s back was pressed against the bay doors, his hand threaded through Emil’s hair. Emil’s lips seemed to think this was supposed to be a slow kiss but Mickey had other plans as he tested what it was like to push his tongue into Emil’s mouth. 

For a moment, Emil leaned into the kiss but then the ship jerked as they entered a jump and he pulled away. 

“I need to check the warp engine,” He said, out of breath and flushed. 

Mickey pulled Emil’s lips back to his for a quick kiss, his mind barely able to form words.

“Can I sleep with you tonight?” Emil nodded slowly. “I’ll wait for you in your room.” 

Mickey brushed past Emil who took a few moments to follow him into the engine room. Mickey disappeared through the door to Emil’s room while Emil stayed in the engine room to make the standard checks. The whole time he tried to figure out what had gotten into Mickey. 

Emil flirted with Mickey enough that Emil had assumed he was uninterested even if sometimes Mickey had seemed to flirt back. Even if Sara and Mila had encouraged him he’d never really thought it would go anywhere. But now, after whatever happened on that planet, he was suddenly ready not just to flirt but to do more. And, if Emil was reading Mickey’s implication correctly, more than just continuing their make out in the cargo bay of The Potya. 

Emil wasn’t exactly complaining, this was more or less what he wanted, but he was just… confused. 

What had happened down there?

When he finished up, Emil headed to his room and found Mickey was actually there. He’d sort of wondered if he’d somehow hallucinated their early kisses. Or, more likely, he thought Mickey would realize that this was a bad idea and he’d leave before Emil came back. 

But he was there, sitting on Emil’s bed like he belonged there. Like this wasn’t insane. Like this wasn’t what Emil had—shamefully—dreamed of more than once. Like there was nowhere better for him to be even though there had to be. 

“Mickey, are you sure–?” 

But Mickey was pressing Emil into the wall before he could finish that sentence. His lips were on Emil’s before he could even try to ask if this was a good idea. 

“Mickey, what do you want?” Emil decided to ask instead when Mickey pulled away to gasp for air. 

“I just–” His voice caught and he instead pulled Emil towards the bed, pushing him onto the soft blankets and locking their lips together for a few moments more. “I want you.”

Emil knew that wasn’t an answer and it also wasn’t helpful, but he decided not to push it for now. Instead, he pulled Mickey in for another, long kiss and just tried to enjoy that. With Mickey straddling him, he could feel Mickey was hard under his pants. His entire outfit was oddly damp but Emil just choked it up to sweat, mostly because he didn’t have the presence of mind right now to dissect that question. 

Emil’s hands fumblingly found the buttons of Mickey’s pants but before he continued, he pulled their mouths apart.

“Is this okay?”

“It’s okay.” Mickey nodded, his eyes cloudy in a way that Emil couldn’t quite understand. 

Emil wasn’t _that_ experienced but he wasn’t a virgin either and in his little experience, he’d seen people with eyes cloudy due to lust—or whatever chemicals were involved with the feeling that people labeling lust. He just wasn’t sure if that’s what the cloudiness meant in Mickey’s eyes because he thought he’d seen cloudiness in the entire returning group’s eyes. It had been a cloudiness of people who wanted to be numb but weren’t. 

It was hard to tell, though, when the cloudiness was coupled with a blushing look of desire. It was hard to tell when Emil wanted this and Mickey was saying he wanted this. 

“Really,” Mickey reached down and tugged Emil’s shirt off and then his own as if to show he was serious. “It’s okay.”

“Okay,” Emil said, moving to unbutton Mickey’s pants and trying to ignore the hesitancy he was feeling because he was sure it was just his own self-consciousness. 

Mickey had said it was okay and, so, everything would be okay. 

\---

After calming down Guang Hong and Leo who were both extremely concerned about the group that had been gone for, they found out later, eight hours without a check-in, Phichit, Yuuri, and Seung-gil had all headed for bed. Yuri had already left, not staying for tea, let alone the process of calming two anxious young men.

After Guang Hong, Leo, and Mila had all had a cup of tea each, Guang Hong and Leo both headed off to bed as well. It was only then that Mila got up from the table and headed for the control room. She couldn’t explain why she felt secrecy was necessary but it was just like The Curators had said: she was quiet about her relationships. 

“Sara?” Mila called when she opened the control room door. “Are you awake?”

“I’m here.” Sara popped her head out of her bunk. “I thought you were going to sleep.”

“I wanted to see you first.” Mila could hear the strain in her own voice and obviously, Sara did too because she quickly jumped down from her bunk to go stand near Mila. 

“What’s wrong?” Sara reached out and put her hands on Mila’s shoulders. As she touched her clothes, Sara noticed Mila’s shirt was a little damp as if she had been soaked and was almost dry. “What happened?”

“That place was terrible.” Mila felt weak, weaker than she ever had. Even as a child she hadn’t felt this weak. “Those people– they tried to take Yuuri… we went back for him and they took us too…” Mila threw her arms around Sara’s neck, burying her face in the other’s neck. “They tried to keep us there as exhibits and I almost let them. They tried to convince us all to give up and if Yuuri hadn’t been able to fight them, we would all still be there.” 

Sara could feel Mila shaking, the strong woman feeling suddenly small and uncertain in Sara’s arms. Sara was bewildered because for as concerned as she was about what had happened down on that planet, she hadn’t expected this reaction from Mila.

“Mila.” Finally, Mila’s legs gave out and she crumbled, Sara carefully lowering them both to the ground. “Mila, talk to me.”

“I can’t keep doing this!” She sobbed, more upset than Sara had ever seen her. “I was trained to fight and I was trained to kill, I know that! But I can’t keep killing people. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Mila, what happened?” Sara asked again, hoping for a real answer. 

“The people down there… they were robots but they had human brains. They were humans or androids or whatever but they were sentient and I– I broke Mary’s legs and I shot James in the head. I didn’t even hesitate. I just killed him. I thought he was a robot but still– still– that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a person– I killed him–”

“Mila, hey, Mila.” Sara ran her hand through Mila’s hair, trying to soothe her but not feeling like she was doing a great job. “Mila… it’s okay. Mila, listen to me. You’re okay. You’re okay because of what you did.” Sara didn’t know what she was supposed to say or do. “It was bad but you had to do it. And everyone got out okay because of you.”

Mila didn’t respond, her crying making it difficult to talk. Instead, she just clung to Sara and let herself cry. She wanted to forget everything that had happened. She wanted to forget pulling the trigger and, more than anything, she wanted to forget almost giving up on Sara. Also giving up on everyone. 

“I was so ready to give up,” Mila whispered when her crying tapered off. “I kept thinking about how easy it was for my love to be used against me and I was scared. It seemed like it would be better for me to stay there, where nobody would be hurt because of me.”

“Nobody's getting hurt because of you,” Sara cooed.

“What if I had to choose between the people I loved? What if I had to choose between you and my mom? What if I can’t choose or I do choose and someone gets hurt?”

“That’s not your fault.” Sara wished she knew what to say. She wished she knew how to quell these fears. “You’re allowed to love and if someone tried to use that against you, it isn’t your fault.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” She gasped out. “When I was a teenager–”

“Hey.” Sara pulled away, grabbing Mila’s cheeks so she had to look Sara in the eyes. Sara wanted to know what Mila was talking about, but she also didn’t think Mila was in any state of mind to decide whether or not to tell Sara all her secrets. So, despite her curiosity, she wasn’t going to let Mila spill it all right now. “Don’t act like we’re all so weak, okay? We’re not teenagers, we can take care of ourselves. You don’t have to worry so much about us. It’s your job to protect us, not to worry about what will happen.” Sara leaned over and kissed Mila softly. When she leaned away, she gave Mila her best, most confident smile. “You’re like Mickey sometimes. You worry too much. But you don’t have to. I’ll always be by your side, no matter what and nobody will ever take me away from you.”

Mila smiled, a few more silent tears falling from her eyes as she leaned her forehead against Sara’s. 

“Thanks…” She laughed a small, humorless laugh before she closed her eyes. Mila breathed deeply before deciding to take the plunge that The Curators had said she was too afraid to take. “I love you. I know I said it before, but I really mean it now–”

“I love you too,” Sara interrupted, helping Mila stand. “Now, why don’t you get some sleep? You can stay here if you want.”

“Okay.” Mila nodded because she was going to stop being quiet. She wasn’t going to keep pretending she didn’t love all the people in her life. 

And she wasn’t going to keep pretending that she was always okay. 

\---

“Seung-gil, are you awake?” Phichit whispered into the darkness after what felt like an eternity trying to fall asleep. He’d tried everything, including pulling his pillow out from below his head to hold tightly to his body but nothing had worked. 

After a long silence where Phichit thought he was the only one unable to sleep, Seung-gil’s voice responded.

“Yes.”

His voice sounded quiet and rough, but the roughness was more that of stress than his usual grumpiness. Phichit wondered if he was worrying at all about how much Phichit knew. He’d tried to assure Seung-gil that he didn’t blame him when they were together in the museum but he wasn’t sure it got through. He thought it might have just sounded like he was trying to get Seung-gil moving. 

“I can’t sleep,” Phichit told him truthfully. “It’s all just still buzzing around my mind, you know?”

“I can’t sleep either,” Seung-gil answered simply. 

“I keep wondering if maybe they were right.” Phichit closed his eyes even though the room was pitch dark, the only light coming from a tiny slit at the bottom of the door. Even that was dim, though, because Sara must have turned on the nighttime lighting so everyone could sleep. Assuming anyone was actually sleeping. “Not about the staying but about their… analyses.”

“They were right with me.”

“Which part?”

“That I killed everyone I loved.”

“I wasn’t trying to say that.” Phichit sighed, wishing he could explain what he meant. “I guess… like how they said your love was based in loss or something. And mine was rejections. Yuuri was heartbroken. They weren’t exactly wrong about you or Yuuri.”

“I guess…” Seung-gil wondered what Phichit’s point was. 

“And I was... “ Phichit sighed again, pulling his pillow closer to his chest.

“Phichit?”

Phichit laughed humorlessly, the sound ringing uncomfortably through the room despite its smaller size. 

“It’s nothing, forget it.” Phichit’s heartfelt heavier than it had in years and he just wasn’t sure what to do with the feeling but he knew he wasn’t going to get much sleep at this rate. “Seung-gil, can I ask–” 

He shook his head because that wasn’t the answer to his problems. It would just create more in the form of Seung-gil not wanting to even be in the same room with him anymore. He just needed to deal with this quietly like he always had. 

“You can ask me whatever.” Phichit could almost hear the shrug in Seung-gil’s voice. “I don’t mind… I know I don’t make it seem like this, but I really don’t mind when people ask questions. I just… might not answer.”

“It’s stupid.”

“Just ask me.”

“Really, it’s nothing.”

“Phichit.”

“Fine,” Phichit huffed before lowering his voice to where Seung-gil almost couldn’t hear it. “I just… could I sleep with you?”

“What?” Seung-gil shot up in bed, nearly hitting his head on the bottom of Phichit’s bed. 

“Not like that!” Phichit felt his cheeks burning. “I just mean, can I sleep in your bed. I don’t want to be alone and…” Phichit was quickly losing his confidence. “See, I told you it was stupid.”

“Fine.” 

“What?” Phichit blinked, leaning towards the edge of his bed. 

“Do you need help getting down?”

“Sorry, what?”

“I said yes.” Seung-gil pursed his lips glad Phichit couldn’t see his blush. “Do you need help getting down here or not?”

“Oh!” Phichit started to scramble—or what qualified for scrambling with a broken ankle—towards the edge of his bed. “No, I’m fine.” 

Phichit had insisted he was okay enough to get up to the top bunk despite his broken ankle and if he thought he could get down, Seung-gil wasn’t about to help him. If Phichit wanted to fall off the top bunk that was fine with Seung-gil. It was the fastest way down, after all. 

But Phichit made it down fine and he crawled into bed with Seung-gil, the bed barely big enough for the two of them to lay back to back. 

“Is this better?” Seung-gil asked when Phichit settled down.

“Yeah… thanks.” 

There was a long silence between them that, surprisingly for Phichit, Seung-gil broke. 

“What did they say to you?”

“The curators?” Seung-gil grunted out an affirmative response. “They told me that I’d always be rejected by everyone and everything I loved and that it would be easier to just stay there and not have to worry about being broken more. They told me my quest for a good story was just me trying to redeem myself and… well, they’re right.”

“Why?”

Phichit was a happy person. He was a positive person. But he also cared deeply about the things he loved. Everything from his family to his job to his dreams had meant so much to him and then they were all… gone. He didn’t like talking about that because it hurt. He didn’t like talking about that because it made it more real and it was already so real for him. But there was something about Seung-gil that made Phichit comfortable. Maybe it was just the fact that Seung-gil had already told Phichit something deeply personal. Maybe it was something else about the grumpy pilot. 

“My family threw me out, they abandoned me. I was only sixteen at the time. I loved them but they threw me out because of the person I was dating. She’d later be my fiancé. I missed my family but I had a fiancé I loved and a job I loved too. Then she left me. Then I lost my job. I was rejected by everyone and everything I loved and how long will it be until the people on The Potya do the same?” Phichit rubbed his eyes, wishing away his sudden tears while also thanking God for the darkness. “It’s probably something wrong with me.”

“I doubt that,” Seung-gil told him. 

“Huh?”

“I doubt it’s you.” Seung-gil shrugged, the motion lifting the blankets a little. “Why’d you lose your job?”

“There was an article I wrote, about the hiring practices at my job. I wanted things to change because they were discriminatory. I was told if I kept the article out of the public, then they’d work to change things. After a month, they’d done nothing and so I published the article. I was fired the day after and blacklisted not just on my home planet but in the entire inner region.” 

“So you did the right thing and you were thrown out… that’s not your fault.” 

“I was still kicked out of a job I loved. It was the only thing I had left… And I guess I am trying to make up for what I lost.”

Seung-gil turned over but Phichit stayed laying with his back to Seung-gil. 

“If I’m not to blame, then neither are you.”

Phichit turned over slowly, looking at the indistinct shape of Seung-gil and momentarily wishing they had more light. 

“Okay… I guess that’s a compromise we can make.” Phichit laughed, the sound a little hysterical but happier than his early laugh. “I’m guessing I was the last person you meant to tell about yourself.”

“I guess… do you want to write a story about me?”

“If you were okay with it,” Phichit murmured, almost leaning his forehead against Seung-gil’s chest but then thinking better of it. “But if you’re asking why I seem to want to stick around, it’s not because I think you’re a story.”

“Then why do you want to stick around.”

“I’m kind of sticky,” Phichit laughed. “If been told I’m too clingy in the past, so that might explain it.”

“It might be nice to have someone clingy around,” Seung-gil said before he could stop himself.

“I’m glad to hear it,” Phichit told him, giving in to the impulse to lean forward. It felt nice to be close to Seung-gil’s body heat. “Is this fine?”

As a response, Seung-gil hesitantly wrapped an arm around Phichit but remained silent as he tried to think of something to say that wouldn’t betray his embarrassed anxiety. But Phichit didn’t need any words and just snuggled into Seung-gil’s chest, breathing in the scent of him through the thin pajamas he wore while he focused on timing their breathing. 

It didn’t take long for them to fall into dreamless sleep. 

\---

Yuri wandered his way into the viewing hallway because it was the place they felt farthest from everyone else. Emil and Mila’s rooms were technically close to the viewing window but it still felt isolated. Emil’s room was through the engine room and Yuri doubted he’d venture out any further than that tonight. Mila’s room was on the other side of the cargo bay and tonight—whatever that meant in space—Yuri knew she wasn’t there. 

He’d stopped by the control room earlier to check their heading and had found Mila and Sara asleep in one of the corners between the map station and the actual control panel. It looked like they’d pull blankets and pillows off of Sara’s bunk and made themselves a sort of nest before falling asleep leaning against each other. Yuri was honestly just glad Mila had someone on the ship she felt comfortable enough with to let down her facade. 

But Yuri didn’t have someone like that because no matter what, he was still the captain of this ship and there was a certain amount of distance he was supposed to have with the crew and passengers. That’s what he’d been taught and he was clinging desperately to that now because he had nothing else. 

He’d lost so much but he’d also gained other things. He’d lost his home and his family but he gained the sky. He’d lost stability but he’d gained freedom like he’d always craved. He’d lost a little bit of himself but he’d gained so much more. 

But now, after everything, he just wanted his family and his home. He wanted stability and he wanted the bits of himself that he’d lost. He wanted it all back.

Yuri wanted to curl up in his mama’s lap as she ran her hands through his hair and sang to him in the language of their small planet. He wanted her to coo and tell him how much she loved him. He wanted to be small enough to sit on his grandpa’s lap and listen as the older man told stories of the stars and of his journeys through them with Yuri’s grandma. Yuri wanted to listen to stories about the father he’d barely met and didn’t really remember. 

He was eighteen and he was the captain of a ship and really, right now, all Yuri wanted was to be a child. He wanted the childhood he’d pushed away in pursuit of a promising future. He wanted to be the child nobody ever let him be. 

He wanted his mama and his grandpa and he wanted this all to be easier but it wasn’t and he was alone.

“ _There will always be sunshine._ ” He sang quietly in a sad imitation of his mama, sliding slowly down the wall and to the floor. “ _There will always be blue skies._ ” He curled his legs tightly to his chest as he let tears fall onto his knees. “ _There will always be mama_ ” He hated feeling so helpless but there wasn’t much else left for him to feel. “ _There will always be me._ ” 

He fell silent then, letting himself cry quietly in the viewing room, bathed in the light of hyperspace as The Potya barreled through space towards a certain point but an uncertain end. He let himself cry for a while, liking the feeling mostly because he was alone but also because it had been so long since he let himself feel anything. 

He hated being eighteen and he hated not knowing anything and he missed his home. 

Outside the viewing hall, Yuuri stood by the door and listened to Yuri, waiting for the young man to finish. Yuuri wanted to help, wanted to talk to Yuri and let Yuri talk to him but he knew that Yuri wouldn’t be so happy to know someone had heard him cry.

Yuuri listened to Yuri’s song, sung in a language he didn’t know and yet something about the song still made him feel caught between hope and existential sadness. Yuuri guessed the song was simply a lullaby from Yuri’s home but beyond that, Yuuri didn’t even want to try to guess. It seemed disrespectful to the song and to the feelings Yuri had about it. 

Yuri had a nice voice, the quality of it obvious even though he was crying. It wasn’t one of a practiced singer but, instead, that of a singer who was born with talent they rarely practiced. Like the ice skating, there was something in his skill that spoke of both natural talent and also past experience long since passed.

Yuuri hadn’t come down here to eavesdrop on Yuri, though. He’d come down to stare into the bright lights of hyperspace in the hopes that they would answer his questions. 

Namely, when did he get so callous? 

He’d so easily knocked Marissa out in a way that could kill her. She could be dead right now and Yuuri wasn’t sure he cared. Had this quest really made him so heartless? When Viktor left did he not just break Yuuri’s heart, but take it with him too? 

What if this was all a test? What would Yuuri do then? Would he be able to forgive Viktor? Should he forgive Viktor? Would he even want to?

When Yuuri decided Yuri had had enough time to cry, he opened the door and stepped inside, careful to act surprised to see the young captain.

“Yuri. Didn’t expect to see you here.” The door closed behind Yuuri and he tried to smile at Yuri but he was sure he failed. “I thought you’d be asleep.”

“You know that wasn’t about to happen, Katsuki.” Yuri shook his head from where he was standing near the windows, looking pointedly outside and not at Yuuri. Yuuri suspected that was to hide red, wet eyes. “I bet there are a lot of people on the ship not sleeping.” 

“I guess you’re probably right.” Yuuri shrugged, wondering why he thought coming in here was a good idea. What was he going to do, dump all his concerns onto Yuri? 

After a long silence, Yuri turned slightly to look at Yuuri.

“So what do you make of that Attunement crap?”

“Not sure.” Yuuri shrugged. “But they definitely could do things that didn’t make much sense.”

“Reading and controlling minds…” Yuri shook his head. “Can you do that?”

Yuuri laughed, “Not that I’ve noticed.”

“Did you get out of there because of that stuff?”

“Not sure… but that might make sense. It would explain how I was able to get them out of my head.”

“And all our heads, apparently. Didn’t James say something like that?”

“I guess we don’t have to worry about any mind control while I’m around,” Yuuri laughed, not sure he took any of this that seriously. Besides, if this was all real and James was to be believed, what were the odds that they’d ever run into someone who was attuned? 

What if this was all some sort of trick?

“This is such bullshit!” Yuri shouted, kicking the window with enough force that Yuuri seriously considered what they should do if the window cracked. At least, he thought about that after he got over the momentary panic at Yuri’s raised voice. 

“Yuri?” Yuuri reached a hand out to Yuri, worried by the sudden outburst. 

“This is just fucking bullshit!” He was rubbing the heels of his hands roughly against his eyes.

 

“What is?”

“Everything!” Yuri punched the window, prompting Yuuri to lead him away from any walls as he started to worry Yuri would hurt himself. Yuuri was sure his hand would hurt in the morning regardless but he didn’t want Yuri to break anything. “It’s all such bullshit.” 

“Yeah… I guess it is.” Yuuri wondered how to comfort Yuri. He knew how to comfort Viktor—a hug would usually get him half way there—but he had no clue was to do for Yuri. “But some of it isn’t bullshit.”

“Whatever.” Yuri shrugged off Yuuri’s hand, heading towards the door. “Katsuki, try to get some sleep.”

“You too.” Yuuri felt like he’d failed Yuri but he wasn’t sure what else he could have said. 

The door closed and Yuuri turned to look out the windows, wondering if the bright light of hyperspace was enough to blind him and burn all these memories from his mind. 

This world was bullshit and Yuuri kind of wished he could forget the good because then maybe the bad wouldn’t seem so unfair. 

\---  
 _  
A cry startled Yuuri awake and he was momentarily worried it had come from him. Then that worry turned to panic when he saw that Viktor was sitting up in bed, his hands over his ears and his eyes shut tight. Despite his closed eyes, Yuuri could just barely see tears streaking down his face and falling in big drops onto the blankets._

_“Viktor?” Yuuri reached out and touched Viktor’s arm lightly. “Darling, please look at me.”_

_When Viktor didn’t open his eyes, Yuuri pulled the taller man into a hug. His body felt too small in Yuuri’s arms and he was shaking badly but Yuuri was at least glad that he was leaning into the hug._

_“Shh, you’re okay,” Yuuri cooed. “You’re safe. I’m here.”_

_This wasn’t the first time Viktor had woken up from a nightmare in panicked tears so Yuuri knew what to do. That didn’t change the fact that it was scary to see Viktor so completely broken._

_“Hey, Darling.” Yuuri was pulling a hand through Viktor’s hair when he finally opened his eyes and let his hands drop from his ears. “It’s okay, I’m here. It was just a nightmare.”_

_“I shot someone, Yuuri,” Viktor gasped. “In the dream, I was in that hospital and I was back at that shooting range but this time– oh god, this time there was a person. I shot them. I killed them.”_

_“It’s okay,” Yuuri repeated, rocking them back and forth in an effort to calm Viktor. “It was just a nightmare. You’re here. You didn’t hurt anyone.”_

_“But–”_

_“Darling, you’re safe. I’m safe. Everything is okay.”_

_After a long stretch of silence, Viktor nodded and allowed Yuuri to pull them both onto the bed. Viktor pressed his face to Yuuri’s shirt and did his best to breathe evenly. Once he got his breathing under control, Viktor spoke again._

_“There was something else. I don’t know why, but it scared me in the dream.”_

_“What?”_

_“When we were done the nurse said I hadn’t done as well as they wanted. She said… she said that tomorrow I’d need to get a tune-up.”_

_“What does that mean?”_

_“I… I don’t know.” Viktor shook his head. “But I didn’t want it.”_

_“It’s okay,” Yuuri found himself repeating those words a lot lately. The nightmares were getting worse and neither of them knew why. The doctors they’d gone to see didn’t seem to know either. The only possibility was the severe depression Viktor had been treated for his whole life. So far, no change in medicine had stopped the nightmares and, personally, Yuuri wasn’t sure they were related. Or maybe part of him hoped they weren’t because if they were then… then there wasn’t much hope to stop them. “I’m here for you, no matter what.”_

_“I know…”_

_They remained silent for a long time while Yuuri ran one hand through Viktor’s hair and the other down his bare, cold back. Just as Viktor was starting to fall back asleep, Yuuri heard him murmuring almost to himself._

_“I don’t want a tune-up.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay kids, let's play 'spot the unhealthy ways of dealing with trauma!' Don't worry if you weren't able to spot all the unhealthy behaviors this week because in chapter 18 you'll get another chance!
> 
> \---
> 
> So now we take a break, mostly because I have vacation this week and am going to Kyoto and Osaka! Then the week after a friend is visiting so I'll be busy. I want to get my buffer a little more robust before continuing, so that's why I'm taking May off. I'll see you again in June and thank you so much for your patience. I'm kinda annoyed at myself for taking a break here because the next chapter has what is literally my favorite flashback in the entire fic. Also one of my favorite Yuuri-Yuri convos. But, alas, this is the best place to pause. 
> 
> We still have characters to meet and things to do (and miles to go before I sleep) so buckle in because from here, things will start to... crumble a little bit. But everything must fall to be rebuilt and every forest must burn down to grow stronger, so here we go!
> 
> \---
> 
> Note: Against my better judgment, I have recorded myself reading/sing the songs and poems from this story (not including songs and poems that are from the real world, you can look those up [that said, I would totally do some readings of frost poems haha]). I cannot sing. I am pitchy as hell in this sing not only can't I sing and was never trained to sing but also I recently got over a cold so... But here they are if you're interested in listening to my pitchy ass voice and (for one of the tracks) a shitty garage band loop. Now that my disclaimer is done, here you go.  
> [Pray For My Voice](https://soundcloud.com/katie-van-develde/sets/our-eyes-were-full-of-stars-1/s-9x90y)


	18. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone needs to take time to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back, baby! I've got more to say that I'll put in the end notes but I wanted to say, thanks for sticking around for my May break!

Yuuri used his hand to shade his eyes against the bright sunshine, looking around the parking lot area they stepped into. The Potya was docked high above the planet and they’d taken the shuttle down to the surface, though there was also the option to take a public shuttle down. That was lucky since only about half the crew had come down on The Potya’s shuttle and Yuri had basically mandated this shore-leave. 

“Sunny,” Phichit commented, stepping to stand next to Yuuri. He still had a limp, but thanks to the barely working quick healer Emil and Mila had been able to get working again, his ankle was nearly healed. They’d had to wait a few days to make sure it was set correctly and in that time he either used their wheelchair or was helped around by Seung-gil and Yuuri. “Reminds me a little of home.”

“I can’t believe you picked this for shore-leave, Captain,” Mila said with a smirk in Yuri’s direction. “You’re not exactly one for the sun.” 

“If that was a shot at my skin, you’re really not one to talk.” Yuri rolled his eyes. “Where are the others?”

“Sara had to talk to Emil about something and I think Mickey plans of dragging his feet all the way down to the surface.” Mila smiled at Yuri. “You guys go ahead, I’ll make sure they get down here. I mean, I can’t have much fun until I get a swimsuit and Sara will kill me if I go shopping without her.” 

“Okay, but make sure they actually get down here.” Yuri’s gruffness wasn’t fooling anyone into thinking he didn’t care about his crew. “We all need to get some fresh air.” 

“Aye, aye Captain!” Mila gave Yuri a mock salute—it was too sloppy to be anything but mocking, especially paired with ‘aye, aye’ which all Yuri’s crew knew he hated—before heading back into the shuttle to call Sara and whoever else was listening on The Potya. 

“So,” Phichit smiled at everyone else. “I guess this means we need to go swimsuit shopping.”

\---

“Emil?” Sara stuck her head into the open engine room door. “Emil?”

“Sara, what’re you doing here?” Emil appeared from behind some machinery, looking like he’d been at whatever he was doing for hours. “Shouldn’t you be planetside.”

“I could say the same about you.” She raised an eyebrow at him. “But instead I found you hiding in here.”

“I’m not hiding,” Emil said defensively, turning back to fiddle with something that definitely wasn’t what he was previously been working on. “I just like it in here.”

“You’re hiding.” Sara took a few steps towards Emil and crossed her arms. “And so is Mickey.”

As the mention of Mickey’s name, Emil blushed and turned away from Sara. He seemed barely able to pretend he was doing work, let alone actually get anything useful done. At this rate, he was going to fiddle with something until it broke. 

“What is up with you two? Since they came back from _that planet_ you two have been acting weird. You barely talk to each other and I swear you won’t look at each other. Now you’re holed up here and Mickey is locked in his room and I don’t really know what to do with you two.”

“There’s nothing to do,” Emil insisted. “I am happier here than on shore-leave .” 

“The Captain told us all to go down to the planet.” Sara reached out and forced Emil to look at her. “You two can’t run away from whatever conversation you need to be having. Go talk to him. He won’t talk to me so it has to be you.”

Emil turned away as much as he could while still caught in Sara’s tight grip.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because he’s the one who hadn’t been talking to me.”

“What happened?” Sara shook her head. “If it’s something to do with what happened to him then you need to talk to him. If it’s something between the two of you then that’s even more of a reason to talk to him. We’re all childhood friends. If we can’t talk to each other, then who do we have?”

“You don’t understand,” Emil said weakly, wanting to spill everything to Sara but doubting she wanted to hear that her brother and her childhood friend had fucked and weren’t talking now. 

“No, I don’t and if you’re not going to explain, then you need to just figure it out.” 

Sara made it sound so easy but Emil knew he’d screwed up and he deserved this treatment. Mickey had been in a vulnerable place and Emil had taken advantage of him. He hadn’t meant to but he had. Now Mickey hated him, and rightfully so. Emil knew it might be awkward for everyone else but if Mickey didn’t want to talk to him, then Emil understood. 

“Sara, can’t you believe me when I say this is for the best?” 

Sara shook her head. “Sorry, I can’t. You two need to try talking to each other and I’m going to wait in the cargo bay for you two so if you don’t want me to miss my shore-leave, you better hurry up and talk.” 

\---

“Mickey?” Emil knocked quietly on Mickey’s door, sort of hoping Mickey wouldn’t respond. “We need to go down to the planet. Captain’s orders.”

When Emil didn’t hear anything from Mickey’s room, he sighed. 

“I’m sorry, Mickey, I screwed up but please just come out of the room.”

The door slid open and a tired looking Mickey appeared, looking far less grumpy than Emil was used to. While that should have been a good thing, the look that had replaced his grumpiness was unsettlingly dim. 

“What do you mean, you screwed up?”

“I took advantage of you before and now–” Mickey snorted and Emil paused, scrunching his eyebrows together. “What’s funny?”

“You didn’t–” Mickey shook his head. “I was the one who initiated it.”

“But you weren’t in a good state of mind and I shouldn’t have–”

“Did you… have a good time?” Mickey interrupted his cheeks a little red. 

“What?”

“Did you have a good time?” He repeated, looking Emil in the eyes with confidence Emil didn’t think he had. It wasn’t that Mickey wasn’t confident, he just never seemed very confident in situations like this. 

“Yeah, of course.” Emil didn’t understand why Mickey was asking this. “I don’t–”

Mickey grabbed Emil’s wrist and pulled him into a short kiss. When they broke apart, both had flaming red cheeks but Mickey’s were the worst as he stared at the floor.

“I was avoiding you because I thought you’d–” Mickey paused, coughing a little before continuing in a low mumble. “I thought for sure it would have been bad for you and I was embarrassed. I don’t think you really got much out of any of what happened.”

“I– Mickey, that’s not–” Emil was sputtering, surprised not just by the kiss but by Mickey’s words. “I had a plenty good time. And I got plenty out of it. I… umm… I was just happy to see you were having a good time…” Emil scratched the back of his neck before barking out an uncharacteristically gruff laugh. “Sorry, this ended up being a mess.”

“It’s fine…” Mickey was still looking at his shoes like they were the most interesting thing in the world. “It’s kinda my fault.” 

“How about we don’t assign blame?” Emil suggested with a smile.

“Sure.” Mickey shrugged. “Sounds good.”

“So about going down to the planet.”

Mickey took a step back, shaking his head. “I’m not going down there.”

“The Captain said–”

“I don’t give a fuck if Yuri was going to pay us 30,000 muns, I’m not going down there.”

“Mickey,” Emil stepped close enough to put a hand on Mickey’s cheek. The other man didn’t lean into his hand but he also didn’t try to move away. “What’s actually wrong?”

“I–”

Mickey hated talking about his feelings. That’s why, when they got back from The Museum, he’d just tried to block out even his thoughts about how he was feeling. He didn’t want to talk about these fears buzzing through his veins. Whereas everyone else seemed hung up on the things The Curators had said or the fact that they had killed at least half of The Curators, Mickey was still thinking about how they all almost died. 

He could have easily been stuck forever in that place as an exhibit. And he easily could have been killed at any point. He wasn’t interesting to them, not like Yuuri and Yuri, so he would have been the next to go if Mila had been killed. He almost died without saying goodbye to Sara and telling her that he loved her. He also died without even thinking about how deep his feelings for Emil ran, let alone telling Emil about those feelings. He’d almost died in denial of a crush he’d had for at least two years now. He’d almost died without saying goodbye to the two people he loved most in the world. 

He’d almost lost his chance because he was so afraid of being hurt that he was afraid of giving his love to anyone but Sara. He’d almost died and he’d almost lost Emil—or been lost to Emil. He’d been so careful that in the moment when he thought he was going to die, he realized he’d made a mistake in not telling Emil that he loved him. 

Maybe he was still hung up on what The Curators had said.

“I’m afraid,” Mickey finally managed, balling his hands into fists as he tightened his shoulders, lifting them nearly to his ears as he ducked his chin. He didn’t like the feeling of vulnerability and wondered if Mila or Yuri had even felt like this. He knew the three of them were similar in a lot of ways, including their hatred of vulnerability in themselves. “I’m afraid of dying.”

“Mickey, you’re not going to die. You’re safe now.” Emil was sure those were the wrong words but he didn’t know what else to say. “This planet is safe.”

“We thought that place was safe too!” Mickey shouted. “And we almost died!” 

“There’s a difference between an unknown planet and this one.”

“It’s not like this is the first time.” Mickey shook his head. “We went home and almost died. We went to that place and almost died. That’s the entire spectrum of planets. The place we trust the most to the least trustworthy!” Mickey grabbed onto his head, afraid of his own mind for the first time in his life. “Any planet could be the next deathtrap! I can’t go down there! I could die.” Mickey looked up at Emil with desperate eyes. “You could die.”

“Okay, hey, it’s okay.” Emil pulled Mickey into a hug. “I’ll convince Sara to let us stay here, okay? You don’t have to go down there if you’re not ready.”

Mickey sniffled, the sound the only indication that he was holding back tears. 

“Thank you.”

“I would do anything for you, Mickey.”

“Still, thank you.”

Emil didn’t respond, instead kissing Mickey on the top of the head while he waited for Mickey to let go. 

It was a long time before that happened. 

\---

“Sara is on her way down,” Mila relayed to Yuri after getting a call in from Sara. “I’ll be meeting her then we’re going to shopping. Do you guys want to meet up later for dinner?”

“Whatever, we can figure that out later.” Yuri had already purchased a pair of swim trunks and a thin, black t-shirt but now he was waiting for Phichit to get his fill of forcing the rest of the group to try on swimsuits. Yuri had gotten out of that by growling to no avail then finally getting a call from Mila. “What about Mickey and Emil?”

“Mickey is apparently pretty sick,” Mila told him simply, though the flippancy in her voice told Yuri everything he needed to know.

“And fresh air wouldn’t do him good?” 

“Give him some time.” Mila wasn’t sure which approach was better but for now, she was going to leave him be. “Emil is there with him, he’ll be fine.” 

“I guess we all deal with being sick in different ways,” Yuri conceded. “I’ll call later about dinner. Don’t get into trouble and if you see anything strange, head for the shuttle and call me.” 

“Yes, Mom,” Mila complained. “Go have some fun, you asshole.” 

Before Yuri could respond, Mila hung up on him and he sighed, heading back to see if anyone had bought a swimsuit. It seemed Seung-gil and Yuuri had wiggled their way out of Phichit’s games and were both in their newly purchased swim trunks. Yuuri had on a pair of white and light blue swim trunks which Yuri was confident Yuuri picked out himself.

Seung-gil, on the other hand, appeared to have only been allowed out of Phichit’s grasp because Phichit had finished picking out Seung-gil’s swimsuit. Instead of a muted color more fitting to Seung-gil’s personality and general dressing habits, his swim trunks were a multicolored rainbow that could probably be seen from a mile away. 

“If you say anything, I will kill you,” Seung-gil informed Yuri when he walked up to Seung-gil and Yuuri. 

“Okay!” Phichit appeared wearing green and white trunks and pulling the rest of their group behind him. “We’re ready for the beach.”

To his right was Guang Hong, wearing some sort of short-sleeved all-body swimsuit in black and pink. He looked uncomfortable either with the little bit of skin he was showing or, more likely, the tightness of the swimsuit. 

On Phichit’s left was Leo, wearing a square leg swimsuit in shimmering blues and purples. He looked more comfortable in the swimsuit than Guang Hong did but Yuri guessed Guang Hong rarely wore anything other than the looser garments his wardrobe seemed to consist exclusively of. 

“Who’s ready to go take on the beach?” He asked, slapping a sunhat onto Guang Hong’s head before handing over the proper amount of cash to the cashier, despite Guang Hong and Leo’s insistence that they’d pay for themselves. “Nope! These are gifts from me to you, courtesy of Seung-gil.” 

Everyone glanced at the quiet man, who only shrugged as he tried to hide a blush. It was true he’d agreed to use his money to buy the swimsuits as gifts but that was mostly because Phichit had seemed so excited by the idea. 

Seung-gil hated how fast he’d become so weak for the other man. Getting too attached to people was one of his specialties, though. 

Seung-gil was startled by Phichit putting a sunhat on his head before smiling at him.

“Come on, Seung-gil!” Phichit shouted, then he grabbed Seung-gil’s hand and dragged him out of the shop, his excitement contagious even if Seung-gil thought it might be an act. Then again, maybe it wasn’t. Seung-gil was no Phichit expert. 

Not that he would mind if he was. 

\---

 

Sara would be the first to admit that she was very gay. Mila liked to purport she was the gayer of the two but Sara wasn’t so sure that was true because she almost fainted when Mila walked out of the dressing room.

She’d picked out a pair of black swim shorts that hugged her curves and, especially, her butt. Her top was a sun shirt in red but somehow, thanks to the way is clung to her, Sara was pretty sure this entire outfit was more attractive than and bikini would have been. 

Sara had picked out a simple, black bikini because she liked to flaunt her skin once in awhile even if it had started to pale a little bit in the unnatural light of The Potya. She still had darker skin than, say, her pale as the moon girlfriend. 

And Mila was her girlfriend, for real. They’d agreed on the title about halfway through their last jump after Mila had talked a little about what happened on the mystery planet of IRG-40. She called it The Museum but the name creeped Sara out and so she tried not to use it. Calling it a prison would have been a lot less scary and significantly more accurate. 

Mila paid for both their swimsuits so, in retaliation, Sara bought herself a sheer black cover-up and a baseball cap to shield Mila’s skin. After a moment of thought, she added two pairs of matching sunglasses, then the two of them were ready for the beach.

“Sara, look!” Mila grabbed Sara’s arm despite the fact that they were walking hand in hand. “Beach volleyball! Let’s go see if they’ll let us play.”

“I’m not sure, I’ll probably be a detriment...” Sara’s words petered out when Mila flashed her the biggest, most sincere smile since she’d come back from _that_ planet. 

“You’ll do great. Now, let’s go!” 

And all Sara could do was laugh because, honestly, it was just nice to see Mila happy. If she had to fail at beach volleyball to help Mila forget about what happened, then Sara would gladly do so. 

\---

Guang Hong wasn’t sure how they lost Phichit and the others so quickly, but he was just glad he hadn’t lost Leo. 

“Leo, where are we?” Guang Hong asked, grabbing onto Leo’s arm. 

“The beach.”

“Leo,” Guang Hong whined, making Leo laugh. 

“Just relax, we’re fine.” Guang Hong pouted at him and Leo kissed him on the forehead. “Try to have some fun, okay?” 

“We’re just still so close to home,” Guang Hong murmured, leaning his head against Leo as they walked down the boardwalk parallel to the beach. “I’ll feel better when we’re in the outer region.”

“Me too, but I swear I’ll keep you safe.” Guang Hong glared at Leo. “Sorry, I’ll keep us both safe.”

“Really?” 

Leo stopped, pulling Guang Hong to a stop in front of him. He grabbed onto Guang Hong’s shoulders and pulled him into a long kiss before returning Guang Hong to arm’s length. 

“Really. I’m not going to let anything happen to us.” 

“Okay,” Guang Hong leaned his forehead against Leo’s chest, wanting to listen to Leo’s heart but knowing this wasn’t the place. “I believe you.”

“Now let’s have some fun.” Leo seemed to be scanning the beach until, finally, he pointed at a beach volleyball court. “Why don’t we go play?”

“Leo, I’m not going to be good at volleyball. I’m too short!” Guang Hong protested even while Leo was pulling him towards the court. “Leo!”

“You can set to me, it’ll be fine!” Leo squinted at the court. “Hey, isn’t that Mila and Sara?”

And sure enough, there was Mila and Sara, on the court. It looked like they were both sweating bullets but it also looked like they were winning. And based on the out of breath onlookers, Leo guessed this wasn’t the first team they’d decimated. 

“Game point!” Someone called as Mila sent the ball over the net. 

It didn’t take long for Mila to be slamming the ball down into the sand of their opponent’s court, to a mixture of groans and cheers from the crowd. 

“Missey and Sandy win another game.” Leo chuckled at the names. “Anyone want to take a chance against them.”

“We do!” Leo called, pulling Guang Hong with him. “I’m, umm, Dee and this is… Jerry!” 

“Well… Dee and Jerry, are you sure you can take these women?” The man in charge looked incredulous. “They’ve won five games in a row now.” 

“Of course we can.” Leo smiled at the man and then at the crowd before taking the court. “Fancy meeting you two here.”

Mila laughed, the sound seeming foreign after her recent sullenness. 

“Dee and Jerry was it?” Sara snickered next to Mila who seemed to be having quite the time being a showman. “Hope you’re ready to lose.”

“I was going to say the same to you,” Leo quipped. 

“We’ll let you two serve first,” Mila told him, tossing the ball under the net. 

“Well,” Leo took his place to serve. “I’ll make you regret that choice.” 

\---

Seung-gil and Phichit were sitting alone on a bench, Phichit looking uncharacteristically stormy. Seung-gil was still grumpily placid, though he kept giving Phichit worried looks out of the corner of his eye. 

“You can stop looking at me like that,” Phichit leveled Seung-gil with his own grumpy look. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“I just wanted to have a good time.” Phichit crossed his arms. “I just wanted to walk around and have fun with everyone.”

“Is spending time with me not fun?” Seung-gil asked before thinking about what he was saying. Sometimes he wondered why he had to be so direct. At least he hadn’t insulted anyone this time. 

“What?” Phichit blinked at Seung-gil. “No, but I’m keeping you from doing anything fun.”

Seung-gil raised an eyebrow at Phichit. “Do you really think I’d rather be running around like a maniac?” 

“I guess not.” Phichit chuckled. “I don’t really know what to think anymore.”

“About what?”

Phichit wanted to say ‘you’ but he didn’t because he wasn’t sure how Seung-gil would respond. And if he responded with questions or what that meant, Phichit wasn’t sure he could answer. Not because he didn’t want to, but because for as confused and uncertain as he felt with Seung-gil, he couldn’t pinpoint the reason.

“I don’t know,” Phichit half-lied. “It’s just a feeling.” 

“Oh.” Was all Seung-gil could think to respond, uncertain if and how he could help Phichit. 

“Well,” Phichit stood with a groan. “Let’s at least walk to a restaurant. I hate staring at the ocean without going for a swim.” 

Seung-gil started to follow Phichit but was almost immediately stopped when some rammed into the back of his legs. For a moment he panicked but then the something barked and Seung-gil realized it was a dog.

Then, he saw it wasn’t just any dog but a husky. Charmed, he fell to his knees and began to pet the dog, nearly losing Phichit, who hadn’t noticed Seung-gil not following. 

“Seung-gil?” Phichit returned back to Seung-gil. “Is something wrong?”

“I’m sorry!” A woman shouted, running up to the two of them. “She doesn’t usually run off like that!” 

Seung-gil didn’t look up at the woman, instead continuing to pet the dog. 

“She’s not bothering me.” 

“I’m glad.” The woman smiled at Phichit when Seung-gil didn’t look up at her. “She really is a good dog.” 

“I’m sure,” Phichit laughed, surprised by Seung-gil’s sudden softening. He’d never mentioned liking dogs and Phichit wondered why. “What’s her name?”

“Sunflower.” The woman smiled. “And I’m Alison.” 

“Nice to meet you both.” Phichit nudged Seung-gil with his shoe. “Sorry, he likes dogs, I guess.”

Seung-gil glanced up and attempted a smile at Alison, which just made Phichit laugh. He honestly looked like one of those pictures of dogs ‘smiling’ with too many teeth. His laughter earned him a glare before Seung-gil turned back to Alison.

“I used to have a husky when I was younger. I really miss her.” 

“You never told me you had a dog.” Phichit pursed his lips. “You’ve never talked about dogs.”

“I just don’t…” Seung-gil shook his head and went back to silently petting Sunflower. 

“Well, she seems happy to be pet,” Alison laughed. “She’s not even this nice to me, usually.” 

Phichit continued chatting with Alison while Seung-gil pet Sunflower, his face looking half serene and half melancholy. There was something in his face that made Phichit immensely sad and he wondered how much there was to learn about Seung-gil. He wondered if Seung-gil even liked spending time with him.

He wondered if Seung-gil had felt comfortable with anyone since he left the CF. 

He wondered when Seung-gil was last told that someone cared. 

\---

When Yuuri and Yuri walked up to a beach volleyball court, neither of them expected that all four participants would be people there knew. They also didn’t expect such a close game but, apparently, Guang Hong was more competitive than he looked. And a better setter. 

The final score was 32 to 30, much to the amazement of the crowd. Both sides look exhausted and as Guang Hong and Leo left the court, Guang Hong looking annoyed by their loss, a man who seemed in charge called to the crowd asking if there were any other challengers.

Yuuri definitely hadn’t expected Yuri to be dragging him onto the court, a competitive glint in his eyes. 

“And what are your names?” The man asked.

“Jon and John,” Yuri answered smoothly before turning to shout at Mila and Sara. “Yo Missey, you’re going to lose this game.” 

“Whatever you say, Jon.” Mila raised an eyebrow, seemingly trying not to laugh at their fake names despite how silly hers and Sara’s were. “You can serve first.”

“With pleasure.

“Yuri,” Yuuri hissed to his teammate. “Do you even know how to play beach volleyball.”

Yuri shrugged, “Kind of. Do you?”

Yuuri sighed and walked over to grab the ball from Yuri. “I’ll serve first.” 

Yuuri was no volleyball expert, that was for sure, as he wasn’t very tall but he’d played a little in his childhood during gym classes and with Yuuko and Takeshi. He had a powerful upper body thanks in large part to his combat training and so he made a decent server. His jump wasn’t anything to write home about so he wasn’t much of a spiker but he thought Yuri might do good on that front. 

“Zero serving zero,” Yuuri called before serving his best overhand serve. It was nothing that impressive, he couldn’t even do a jump serve, but he really just needed it to stay in bounds. 

It did and then the game was off. The sun was hot, beating down on the game mercilessly as each side fought hard for each point. Yuuri thought it was a little unfair to Mila and Sara that they had been out here playing game after game, but he guessed maybe that was the point. He thought that maybe nobody planned any team to stay in as long as Mila and Sara did. But they both made a good team, Mila had insane upper body strength, and—as Yuuri was learning—they were both surprisingly competitive. He thought that, maybe, to get to where they were at such young ages, they had to be a little bit competitive. Hell, he didn’t think he’d gotten all that far in life and he knew he could be a little competitive. Or, in Viktor’s opinion, ultra competitive. 

“21 serving 20.” Yuuri flashed a smirk at Mila and Sara across the net, both out of breath and looking particularly raged. They’d done damn good but Yuuri wanted to win and Yuri could apparently jump like a show pony. Also, Mila and Sara were tired enough to pass out. “Game point.” 

Yuuri served the ball to the corner near Sara. Mila was a weak setter and Sara an even weaker spiker, so he hoped to jam up their rhythm. 

Maybe Yuuri had played more than a little volleyball in his time. 

Sara or Mila must have figured out his plan because the two quickly switched places the moment Yuuri served, Mila barely saving the ball before it hit the ground. It was up in the air, almost in slow motion for a few moments, then Sara was settling up a spike. Mila was there and down came the ball. 

It was Yuuri who saved it, his foot shooting out to save the ball before he thought about it, but that meant it would be Yuri set and, so far, most of their lost points had been because of bad sets on Yuri’s part. He was a little too aggressive to be a setter. 

“Yuri, give me a good set!” Yuuri shouted, forgetting not only their stupid pseudonyms but also the questions of his own morality that had been shouting in his thoughts for days. 

“Fuck you, like my sets aren’t always great!” 

Yuuri jumped, his legs starting to feel tired but his competitiveness giving him the stamina he needed to keep going. Yuri had actually sent his best set yet to Yuuri and when Yuuri’s hand made contact with the ball, he felt good about it. As it flew over the net, he felt good about it. 

When it hit the sand, he felt even better. 

\---

“I can’t believe you two went for seven games.” Phichit seemed genuinely amazed, though that might have had something to do with him being five beers in. “It was so hot.”

“Why, thank you, Phichit.” Mila made a suggestive face at Phichit, who turned bright red. 

“That’s not what I meant!” Seung-gil latched an arm onto Phichit, who—somehow—blushed even deeper before stammering out, “Seun–Seung-gil?” 

Seung-gil leaned over and whispered something into Phichit’s ear. He wasn’t being that quiet but the loud bar drowned him out, though Sara and Yuuri both read his lips easily. They both pretended they hadn’t seen what he said, though there were some obvious implications to the yelp that Phichit let out. 

“Seung-gil!” He reached over and tried to grab Seung-gil’s drink but failed. “You’re drunk!” 

“So are you.” Yuuri shook his head, one of the few semi-sober people in the group. “You two both need to slow down.” 

“Don’t tell them what to do!” Yuri shouted, slamming down two beers, a shot of vodka, and a shirley-temple for Guang Hong—androids apparent couldn’t get drunk so it didn’t make sense to spend money on booze for him. “Beer for Mila, Shirley-temple for the little one–”

“Excuse me?” Guang Hong bristled at the joke but Leo calmed him down by nuzzling Guang Hong’s neck. 

“A beer for Leo and a shot for me– Hey!” Milla grabbed the shot from Yuri and took it before he could do anything, flashing him a smirk. “What the fuck!” 

“Little kids shouldn’t drink so much. It’s up to your big sister to make sure you don’t get too crazy.”

“Fuck you!” Yuri grumbled, reaching over to steal Sara’s half-finished beer. She let him because Sara knew she could just mooch off of Mila’s. “This is why I fucking hate you.” 

“You love me,” Mila drawled. “You love all of us. Admit it, you’re a big softie.” 

“Fuck you.” Yuri gave her the middle finger before finishing his beer. “Yuuri, fucking drink more. I can feel you judging us with your sober self.”

“I’m not even sober,” Yuuri sighed. “And maybe I want to make sure we all get home tonight.” 

“Yuuri,” Sara complained, finally breaking her silence which had lasted for almost five minutes so far. At first, Yuuri thought it was because she was tired but now he realized it was because she had, at some point, gotten very drunk. He wasn’t sure if he had missed some of her drinks or if she was just a lightweight. “You’s gotta’ have more fun! Yuri, get ‘im more to drink.” 

“Boy, I think someone needs to drink some water,” Mila commented. She seemed to be one of the few here who could hold her booze. She was also pacing herself a tiny bit more responsibly than everyone else even with stealing Yuri’s drinks. “And maybe go to bed soon.”

“No,” Sara whined, leaning hard into Mila and throwing her arms around the other woman’s neck. “I’m having fun! This is better than sleeping.”

Seung-gil finished his drink before turning confidently to look at Phichit. 

“Phichit.”

“Yes?” Phichit looked concerned. “Is something wrong.” 

“Nope.” Seung-gil did that weird, toothy smile thing again then pulled Phichit in for a sudden, messy kiss that made Sara squeal and Leo gasp. Yuuri and Guang Hong both sighed while Mila laughed and Yuri rolled his eyes. 

“Seung-gil?” Phichit gasped when they separated. “Where did that come from?”

“You’re hot,” Seung-gil mumbled before leaning back in his chair and trying unsuccessfully to drink from his empty drink. 

“Well, it’s about time these two get to bed.” Guang Hong announced. “And I think Leo should sleep too.”

“Guang Hong, don’t be un-fun.” Sara apparently went from a quiet drunk to a pushy drunk as her nights wore on. “The night is still young!”

“It’s almost midnight,” Yuuri pointed out as Guang Hong tugged Seung-gil and Phichit out of their seats. Phichit seemed to be having an easier time walking now that there was alcohol in his system. “We’ll see you guys back on the ship.”

“Oh fuck, we have the shuttle down here,” Yuuri remembered, his mind fuzzy enough to know he shouldn’t try to fly a spaceship. “What the hell are we going to do about that?” 

“Does it have autopilot?” Guang Hong asked, “If not, we can just come get the ship tomorrow.” 

“Sara and I can come back for it tomorrow,” Mila told them as she pulled Sara from her chair. “For now we’re going to go home too.”

“What?” Yuri looked annoyed like he wasn’t wasted enough to leave yet. “When did you all get old?”

“When did you get crazy?” Mila shot back as the group moved to leave. “You two can stay if you want, but we need to get to bed.” 

“I should leave too,” Yuuri admitted when their group disappeared. “I’m a little old to be out this late.”

“But I don’t wanna’ yet,” Yuri replied grumpily. 

“Yuri, you need to drink some water and go to bed.” Yuuri wasn’t so much worried about how much Yuri was drinking so much as he was about how much Yuri wanted to drink. “Tomorrow we need to–”

“Fuck what I need to do!” Yuri shouted, looking a bit like a toddler ready to throw a temper tantrum. “I just wanna’ get this shit outta’ my mind for one fucking night!” 

“Yuri…” Yuuri stood and tugged at Yuri, deciding it was time for them to leave. “Let’s go back to the ship with the others.”

“I don’ wanna’.” Yuri crossed his arms and refused to budge. “You can’t make me.”

Yuuri sighed, too tired for this but hoping that this meant Yuri was ready to talk. “Yuri, what is this really about?”

“Nothing.” Apparently not. “Let’s go.” 

“Okay…” Yuuri shook his head, wishing Yuri could just open up to him. “Whatever you want.” 

\---

As Yuuri fought to get Yuri to drink water, get ready for bed, and get into bed, he guessed that Yuri may have been speeding up near the end of their drinking and that he was being hit hard now. 

“Yuri, you’re probably going to feel pretty bad in the morning but if you drink this water, you won’t feel as bad.” Yuuri insisted as Yuri sat in his bed and refused to drink the water Yuuri had given him. “Yuri, I swear to god, I will get Mila in here to give you this if you don’t drink it.”

Yuri made a face but started drinking the water without further complaint. 

This was the first time Yuuri had been in Yuri’s room and he was surprised by how messy and cluttered it was. He always expected a captain’s room to be neat but instead, there seemed to be stuff everywhere. The desk, dresser, and two shelves were completely covered. 

One shelf was full of books of all different sizes, a few of them in languages Yuuri didn’t recognize. On the dresser was a collection of hair and skin products along with some electronics and important looking papers. The shelf above the dresser had what seemed to be knicknacks. A small tree which Yuuri couldn’t tell if it was real or not, a stuffed cat, an old earth radio, and a plant that was definitely real were the most noticeable things on the shelf. There were also smaller things like rocks, gems, and what Yuuri thought might be letters. Yuri’s desk looked completely unusable. A third of it was taken up by a stack of books, another third was a stack of notebooks, and the last third was covered in important seeming papers and other stationary. 

Yuri had three different jackets and his formal jacket was the only one that was hung up—Yuuri guessed this was because he’d never worn it since becoming captain of The Potya. The other two jackets were thrown over the back of Yuri’s chair, a chair that was piled with folded clothes that he hadn’t bothered to put back into the dresser. 

“There!” Yuri shouted, pulling Yuuri back to the task at hand. 

He walked over to take the empty glass from Yuri and force him to lay down. “Now time for bed.” 

“I want Potya,” Yuri complained, pointing at the shelf with the stuffed cat on it. 

“This is also Potya?” Yuuri asked as he retrieved the cat and brought it back to Yuri, who cuddled with it while looking a lot younger than eighteen. 

“This is the original Puma Tiger Scorpion,” Yuri explained, his eyes closed and his words already getting sleepy. “It’s the three coolest things all in one. I always wanted to name my ship Potya one day. Grandpa and Mama always told me I could be a captain of a ship and I believed them.” 

“Well, they were right.” Yuuri smiled at Yuuri. “You are a captain.” 

“But I’m a shit captain.”

“You’re not a shit captain,” Yuuri countered, resisting the urge to push hair out of Yuri’s eyes. Drunk or not, Yuuri didn’t think Yuri would appreciate that. “Why do you think you are?” 

“I keep putting us all in danger.” Yuri opened his eyes and tears spilled out, which he wiped at with angry swipes. “Everything is shit and like I’m the biggest shit.”

“Yuri, you’re not shit.” Yuuri wasn’t sure how to comfort a sober Yuri but drunk Yuri was a different story. Yuuri was very good with emotional drunks. “You’ve done great.”

“I want to go home,” He confessed, his voice small and uncharacteristically unsteady. “I want my Mama.”

“That’s okay.” Yuuri threw caution to the win, reaching out and running a hand through Yuri’s hair as he closed his eyes. “I miss my mom too.” 

“I’m a cap’in.” Yuri mumbled, his lack of sleep starting to catch up to him. “I’m suppos’ ta’ be better.” 

“You’re still a person.” Yuuri pulled the covers further up Yuri. “And you’re doing the best you can.”

“My best… isn’t…” Yuri seemed to be having a hard time forming words as sleep tried to take him. “It isn’t good enough.” 

“You’ve done amazing.” Yuuri headed towards the door, getting ready to turn off the lights. “You’re the reason I’m here. You’re the reason I might be able to find Viktor.”

“Hey, Viktor is an asshole.” Yuri seemed to have forgotten what they were talking about, the mention of Viktor getting his mind off track. “And when we find him I’m gonna’ fight him.”

“Okay,” Yuuri laughed. “You do that.”

“I will,” Yuri muttered as Yuuri turned the lights out and opened the door.

“Good night, Yuri.”

Yuuri thought he heard Yuri sigh before he responded. “Good night, Katsuki.” 

Yuuri smiled as the door closed despite the fact that all he was starting to feel the weight of his longing falling back into place. One of the biggest reasons he hasn't been drinking much tonight had nothing to do with being responsible and had everything to do with how empty it felt to drink without Viktor.

Back in his room, Yuuri looked at the medallion he'd left here while they were planetside. 36 percent seemed so close at the beginning of the day and now it seemed too far.

Yuuri switched off the light and got in bed, feeling cold and alone more deeply than he had in awhile. 

As he drifted off to sleep with memories of the getting stupidly drunk with Viktor, Yuuri felt tears on his cheeks. He didn't mind though because for once, it felt good to cry. 

\---  
_  
“Yuuri, Yuuri, Yuuri, Yuuri, Yuuri, Yuuri, Yuuri!” Viktor shouted, landing hard on the couch next to Yuuri who had had considerably less to drink that night._

_“Yes, Viktor?”_

_Viktor leaned into Yuuri's side, whispering loudly into his ear. “I have a secret.”_

_“Really?” Yuuri decided to humor his husband because even after six years of marriage, there was still something charming about drunk Viktor. Though, really, he was a little old to be getting so drunk. “And what's that?_

_“I can't tell you, then it wouldn't be a secret!”_

_“Then why bring it up?”_

_“I want you to guess!” Viktor shouted. “Come on, guess!”_

_“I don't know… you're going to grow your hair out more?”_

_“It's not a secret like that!” Viktor pouted a little._

_“I'm stumped, I guess I'll never know.” Yuuri shrugged and Viktor looked even more annoyed. “If only someone could tell me what the secret was.”_

_“Fine,” Viktor sighed dramatically before leaning towards Yuuri again. “I'm madly in love with you.” Yuuri laughed and Viktor looked offended. “Why are you laughing?”_

_“Sorry, Darling, I was just surprised that you think that's a secret.” Viktor pouted. “What? I already know you love me.”_

_Viktor made some whining noises then flopped his head down on Yuuri's lap while doing his best to look upset with Yuuri._

_“I'm sorry, babe,” Yuuri laughed. “It still means a lot.” When he didn't respond Yuuri thought for a moment then smiled. “Darling, do you want to hear a secret too?”_

_This seemed to peak Viktor's interest as he turned to look at Yuuri._

_“You have a secret?” He asked, his eyes wide and his expression one of childlike wonder. “What is it?”_

_“Well,” Yuuri leaned over and kissed Viktor softly. Even when he ended the kiss, he remained close to Viktor, their mouths just barely separate. “I’m madly in love with you too.”_

_Then he stole another kiss from a blushing and smiling Viktor and, not for the first time, Yuuri thought about how lucky he was to have the best husband in the universe.  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm back! I'll be posting defs every week in June but July I might have to do an every other week thing, depending on how my writing goes this month.
> 
> But, you might think, I told a month off so wouldn't I have more than four chapters written? That, my lovely readers, is what was supposed to happen. What happened instead was I got really back into haikyuu, started rewatching it, had my love for bokuaka reignited, and then started writing a bokuaka fic because that's my life. Also, I've officially started project "Finish and Publish a Book by the End of the Year" because I've been writing nearly my whole life and I need to stop being a lazy ass and finish something publishable. 
> 
> So, yeah, thank you for your patience through my writer's block, procrastination, "I'm too tired from work to write", and my inability to do one thing for very long.


	19. Getting There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri shook his head when the man didn’t respond, smiling at the stranger’s awkwardness because he counted this as a win, then left with his money. As he did, the stranger shifted and under him, on the bar stool, Yuri spotted what looked like a uniform jacket. He couldn’t tell what branch it was or if it was even military but panic spiked through him and he bolted, heading into the market in the hopes of losing anyone who might be following him. He wasn’t about to lead military police to The Potya if he could help it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's a bit early but here yah go.

Eylea was a border planet if Yuri ever saw one.

It seemed stuck somewhere between the idyllic vision of the inner region—big, clean cities with a booming middle class and well-off upper class—and what Yuri knew the outer region to be like. Some of that was in the way people held themselves and some of it was in the design of the city centers. 

It was also a common stop on the trading lanes, which helped add to its outer region feeling. True inner region planets were careful to keep its poorer and more dangerous sections very separate from where most tourism happened. 

The best example of that practice was the planet they picked Phichit up on. They’d landed where the traders landed, right in the middle of the poorer neighborhoods. Big markets that weren’t exactly safe but had most of the things a ship needed. Crime and a police force that couldn’t be trusted to protect people. Strong communities that were hard to break because when all you had was each other, loyalty was important. 

But Eylea was a true border planet, with its big, clean city but also its markets that had anything you could need for a long trip into the outer region. It was a former frontier planet that was only part way to shrugging off that former status. It was a planet struggling to figure out its identity as it grew and changed. 

But, for now, it was a planet barely within the inner region of the universe and there was something scary about it. 

Yuri was from the outer region, sure, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t afraid of the outer region. Maybe he was more afraid of it because he knew what they could come into contact with. Maybe he was afraid because he knew that this meant they were really heading towards the edge of the universe. 

It was like an invisible threshold and maybe Yuri was afraid to step over it, afraid to take that leap into the unknown of the well known. 

Maybe he was just more anxious lately. 

“1000 muns up front,” the man who owned this bar and brewery handed Yuri an envelope of money. “Once you get to Funia, the buyer will contact me and I’ll give him the code to open the box with the rest of your money.” He narrowed his eyes at Yuri. “If you try to open it without the code, the money will be burned. If you somehow open it without burning the money, don’t think I won’t find you.”

“Jeez, calm down.” Yuri waved him away. “I’m not going to steal your money. You get the boxes on my ship, I’ll get them to your friend in ORG-95.”

“96,” The man looked like he was questioning his choices. “And the boxes are on their way.”

“ORG-96,” One of the patrons at the bar asked, seeming surprised. “That’s far for a kid, isn’t it?”

“Shut the fuck up!” Yuri gave him the middle finger but he just laughed. “I’m the ship’s damn captain, okay?”

“I didn’t know twelve-year-olds could be captain.” 

Yuri’s blood was boiling but he didn’t answer, his drive to not give too much away about himself just barely outweighing his anger. As he turned away from the bar, he noticed a young man staring at him. 

He had dark hair and matching dark features. His eyes were trained on Yuri, his expression unreadable. Yuri wasn’t sure whether he should be annoyed or afraid so, as usual, he defaulted to bravado.

“Hey, asshole, what are you looking at?” 

The man startled and looked down at his half empty drink without a word, seeming almost embarrassed to be caught staring. 

Yuri shook his head when the man didn’t respond, smiling at the stranger’s awkwardness because he counted this as a win, then left with his money. As he did, the stranger shifted and under him, on the bar stool, Yuri spotted what looked like a uniform jacket. He couldn’t tell what branch it was or if it was even military but panic spiked through him and he bolted, heading into the market in the hopes of losing anyone who might be following him. He wasn’t about to lead military police to The Potya if he could help it. 

So, with the money tucked in an inside pocket of his jacket, Yuri headed into the market without even realizing that the entire time he’d been wearing his own military jacket. 

\---

Mickey was jumpy but Emil still pulled him through the less crowded areas of the market, their hands firmly locked together. As much as Emil wanted to let Mickey stay on The Potya forever, he knew that wasn’t going to help anything. He just hoped that being with him would lessen his newfound anxiety surrounding new planets. 

And it wasn’t that Emil didn’t understand why Mickey was so anxious about new places now. He’d been able to pull more of the story about The Museum from Mickey and it sounded more than terrifying. It was especially unsettling to know how hard they tried to trick the group into splitting up and, eventually, leaving Yuuri behind. 

Emil felt like he might be stepping over the line by pushing Mickey but right now Sara had her hands full dealing with the ship as well as Mila. Neither had said anything about how Mila was dealing with everything but Emil could tell by the circles under not just her eyes but also Sara’s that things weren’t going well for anyone who had been to The Museum. 

Seung-gil and Phichit had been more or less inseparable since they came back, but neither seemed great. Seung-gil carried around an air of almost longing that Emil didn’t understand but could tell wasn’t a good thing for the man. Emil had caught Phichit daydreaming more than he ever had before and he noticed that Phichit often had a vacant sort of smile on. It was the kind of smile that didn’t reach his eyes and instead of any positive or negative emotions, it just seemed to be an emotional void.

Yuri was acting like he was fine, but Emil had known him long enough to tell something was off. Whatever that something was, he guessed it was compounded by the fact that Yuri never felt like he had anyone to talk to. They all knew he hated talking to the crew because he felt like he was supposed to give off a certain air as captain. He seemed comfortable with Yuuri to some extent, but Emil didn’t think they were talking much outside of day to day conversation. 

Yuuri seemed like the one who was best off but Emil thought that might be because he was already broken to some extent. When your heart has been shattered and your life had long been a dull, painful push forward, there wasn’t much left to break you. It wasn’t even like this was the closest Yuuri had come to dying, thanks to The Potya. 

All-in-all, nobody seemed to be doing great and where the people who’d gone to The Museum were trying to deal with what they saw, everyone who hadn’t been down there was now trying to figure out how to help people who, on the whole, didn’t want to be helped. 

“You’re safe,” Emil murmured to Mickey, leaning in close so he could hear the words. “I’m here.”

“I know,” Mickey responded, though to which statement, Emil wasn’t sure. “I know.”

Emil thought he might be in love with Mickey but now seemed like a bad time to bring it up as the relatively small crowd jostled them. But when Mickey looked up at Emil and gave him a faint, half smile, Emil considered blurting out those words. 

“We can go back to the ship whenever you want,” He said instead. 

“Thank you,” Mickey looked at his feet then at the market around them. “For this.” 

“Whatever you need.” Emil hoped Mickey knew that he meant that with all his heart. “Now, let’s go find where that great smell is coming from.”

And so they continued on, hand in hand, through the market. Mickey’s mind raced and buzzed, his anxiety higher than he’d ever felt before. Emil’s mind raced as well, but for very different reasons. When they reached the stand that Emil had been smelling—it sold some sort of meat wrapped in a bread, though Emil couldn’t figure out much more than that since his grasp of the native language was weak at best and the vendor didn’t seem interested in speaking anything else—Emil bought more food than was probably necessary and started to drag Mickey back to The Potya. 

“Why don’t we enjoy this at home?” Emil suggested, even though he’d really already decided for them. “How does that sound?”

“That sounds…” Mickey thought about how The Potya was really their only home now and about how he wasn’t sure if that made him sad or not. “Nice.”

\---

Yuri was sure of one thing, he wasn’t about to lead that stranger back to The Potya. Unfortunately, that had more to do with the fact that he’d gotten himself very lost than anything else. 

The market turned out to be much larger than he’d expected, the entire area dotted with stands, carts, and free-standing buildings that created a maze-like set of paths. It didn’t help that he’d found his way to a particularly crowded area and he couldn’t spend the time he needed to find where he was without being jostled or outright shoved. Yuri had already snarled and shouted at a few different people, nearly starting a fight with one of them. 

He stopped to grab something to eat, hoping to ask for directions back to the port but the man behind the counter was not interested in anything but speaking his native language. Yuri didn’t blame him but he had no clue how to ask where space ships docked. His only real hope now was to keep wandering until he found someone who could give him directions or one of his crew found him. Yuri didn’t usually get lost but in his experience, when he did, he would usually just walk into the solution. Who knew, maybe he’d accidentally walk himself back to the docks. 

That didn’t happen. 

Instead, he got even more lost and was now, he assumed, on the very wrong side of the market. The crowd had thinned and the stalls had turned almost entirely into shack-like buildings that gave off a bad vibe. Yuri wasn’t ready to say he’d wandered into the most dangerous part of this market, but he was starting to suspect that was exactly what he’d done. 

“Captain?”

Yuri turned towards the voice, confused because they had called him captain even though he didn’t recognize the voice as one of his crew members. Who he came face to face with was definitely not one of his crew members. Instead, it appeared to be the young man from the bar. 

“Are you following me?” Yuri asked, taking a step back while he inspected the man’s jacket. He didn’t recognize the patch on the jacket but it looked like a military issue jacket. To Yuri, that said that whoever this was, he was part of a more secretive military organization, which didn’t bode well for him. It also didn’t bode well that he knew Yuri was a captain. “And how do you know who I am?”

“Sorry, I was following you.” The man bowed his head even though he didn’t sound that sorry. “But I saw your jacket and was hoping I could ask for help.”

Yuri looked down at himself and realized that he’d put on his captain's uniform today to give himself a more official air to pick up that job. He felt pretty stupid now for assuming this stranger was after him. Then again, it wasn’t that out of the realm of possibility. It wasn’t like he was in contact with The Pavlova so there was always a chance they’d be replaced by someone who wasn’t strategically dragging their feet. 

“Who are you?”

“My name is Otabek Altin and I’m part of the Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force.” 

“I’ve never heard of that.”

“It’s a small group,” He admitted, seeming like he had this conversation a lot. “We’re in charge of enforcing universal laws.”

“So you’re a space cop?” Yuri snorted and Otabek nodded, his sullenness seeming less like seriousness and more like a product of, Yuri guessed, a lot of time alone in space. “Space Police would be a better name.”

“I think that was seen as too–”

“Fun, I’m sure.” Yuri waved him away, doing his best not to laugh at the fact that Otabek tried to give him a real answer. “What exactly could you need from me?”

“A ride. My ship is completely broken and I’m in the middle of a mission. The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force isn’t really a military priority so it will be a while before I get a new ship. Mine is damaged beyond repair.”

“I can’t just let anyone on my ship.” Yuri felt a strange pull to trust him—he was currently attributing this to how earnest Otabek seemed—but he wasn’t ready to trust his gut to this. “Do you know how to get back to the docks?”

“Yes.” Otabek smiled slightly, looking like he was just glad Yuri was considering helping him. “I can show you the way. And why don’t I buy you lunch?”

Yuri’s stomach betrayed him and grumbled loudly, pulling a low laugh from Otabek.

“Well,” Yuri hoped his cheeks weren’t as red as they felt. “I guess that’s a yes.”

It was just lunch, he reasoned, and he could bail out at any time. He was just trying to decide if he could trust this guy.

That was all. 

\---

“I hear you like dogs,” Yuuri said as he and Seung-gil moved boxes from outside the ship into the cargo bay. Yuuri wasn’t sure why they’d ended up being the two doing this but he guessed it had something to do with the fact that Mila was out somewhere with Sara. For everyone else, moving these boxes would have been a lot to ask since the person who packaged them apparently wanted to test the limits of how heavy they could make boxes.

“He does!” Phichit called from his perch on the stairs when Seung-gil didn’t respond. Phichit ankle was mostly healed and he’d tried to help moving boxes but Yuuri and Seung-gil had both agreed that without an okay from Mickey, they weren’t letting Phichit do anything like that. The quick heal method used to heal his ankle was known to weaken the body as a whole, especially the bones, for reasons Yuuri didn’t really understand so he wasn’t going to chance Phichit doing further harm to his body. “Seung-gil stop being grumpy.”

“I’m not being grumpy,” Seung-gil shot back with a strained voice as he carried another box to the back of the cargo bay. “I’m just a little busy.” 

“Phichit, don’t harass him.” Yuuri raised an eyebrow at Phichit who snorted. 

“I’m not harassing anyone.” Phichit laid down on the stairs. “Can’t I help? I’m so bored.” 

“No,” Yuuri responded firmly. “If you’re so bored, go walk around the market or something. Maybe someone will give you a story.”

“Yuuri,” Phichit whined. “You’re being mean.”

“Am not.” Yuuri did his best not to smile, not wanting to give away that maybe he was being a little mean.

“Phichit,” Seung-gil said as he dropped the box in his arms on top of another box. “If you stopped whining maybe Yuuri wouldn’t be mean.”

“Why are you both picking on me?” Phichit shouted, making Yuuri and Seung-gil chuckle. “I’m just trying to help you to pass the time.”

“Who’s picking on you?” Leo asked, plopping down next to Phichit, Guang Hong standing behind him and looking as fidgety as always. Yuuri worried about him since he always seemed to be a little anxious. 

“Seung-gil and Yuuri. They won’t let me help and they’re being mean when I’m just trying to help them be friends.”

Leo laughed and Phichit shouted at him to stop, the three of them getting lost in their jovial argument while Seung-gil and Yuuri both went outside to get more boxes.

“I used to have a husky,” Seung-gil said as the walked to the last few boxes, his voice surprising Yuuri. “I wasn’t ignoring you before.”

“It’s fine.” Yuuri smiled at Seung-gil, who blushed and looked down at the ground, surprising Yuuri. “Viktor and I had a dog. He was already old when Viktor and I got married so he’d not with us anymore, but I loved him a lot. If Viktor and I end up going home together I think we might get another dog.”

Yuuri started to pick up a box but before he did, Seung-gil spoke.

“I think you’ll get back home.” Yuuri looked up, surprised. “Obviously I’ve never met Viktor but I don’t think he wanted to leave you. You don’t talk much about him but… You don’t stay with someone for seven years and act like you’re madly in love just so you can disappear one day.”

“I guess you’re right.” Yuuri wanted to believe that but it was getting harder and harder each day. On top of that, he had other concerns. “But what if he did want me to find him because he was in trouble? What if he’s hurt or worse?”

“I don’t–” Seung-gil bit his lip, obviously fighting between wanting to be comforting and not wanting to lie. “I’d like to believe he’s okay.” 

“Thanks.” Yuuri smiled at Seung-gil again, this time the expression on his face sad and tired. “Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not a good person.”

Seung-gil didn’t respond—too shocked by Yuuri’s compliment to say anything—and Yuuri picked up another boxing, huffing his way up the ramp and into the cargo bay, leaving Seung-gil to blush at Yuuri’s compliment while also question what Viktor was thinking by leaving Yuuri. 

\---

Yuri breathed a sigh of relief when the docks came into view, glad that Otabek had actually led him back to the ships. 

“Is lunch still okay?” He asked. 

“Sure,” Yuri smiled a little at him, hoping to convey the fact that he was comfortable right now. At least he wanted Otabek to think he was comfortable right now. “Have you been on this planet for long?”

“About a month.”

“A month!” Yuri blinked, trying to imagine being stranded somewhere for that long. “How could the military leave some stranded for that long.”

“Well, the guy I’m after doesn’t know I’m coming so there isn’t much of a rush to get him.” Otabek shrugged as he led Yuri to a small cafe. “The military doesn’t prioritize The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force.” 

“And what exactly is The Joint Universal Civilian…” Yuri paused, “Criminal Force?”

“Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force,” Otabek corrected. “You weren’t wrong to call us space police.”

“But I’d think you’d be important or something.” They were seated quickly, the cafe relatively empty despite the busyness of the market outside. “I’ve never even heard of you.”

“We’re a branch of the military but we mostly deal with non-military issues so they don’t care all that much. The Military Police deal with most criminal military issues but we enforce the rest of the universe.”

“There aren’t many universal laws, though. Do you have to, like, arrest people for not paying taxes.”

“That’s a lot it.” Otabek shrugged, flipping through the menu without really looking at it. “We also go after fugitives.” 

Yuri froze as he looked through the menu, his vision blurring as adrenaline pumped through his veins. Had he walked into a trap or did Otabek really not realize who he was? 

“Is that what you’re doing all the way out here?”

“Yes. There’s a man out near the edge of space that’s on the run. He thinks we don’t know what he did, so I’ll have the element of surprise. It would be nice to get this case wrapped up, though.” 

The waitress came over and Otabek ordered coffee and sandwich that was apparently popular in the area. Unable to pay attention to the menu, Yuri just ordered the same, pretending he was deferring to Otabek because of his time spent on this planet. 

“Can I ask what he did? Is he a deserter?” 

“No,” Otabek shook his head, looking disgusted by the suggestion. “The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force doesn’t deal with military fugitives. The joint part is just that we work with the military.”

“Oh,” Yuri suppressed a sigh of relief. “That’s good to hear.”

“Why?” 

Yuri started, realizing how stupid that was to say. He quickly tried to cover his ass, hoping Otabek wouldn’t notice his growing panic. The waitress came back with their coffee, giving Yuri a little time to think of a good excuse.

“Just that I don’t always agree with the military on how to deal with deserters.”

“I understand,” Otabek nodded. “I started out in The Military Police but after shadowing the capture of a deserter I asked to be changed. If the person gets other people hurt or killed by deserting, I understand, but so many of them haven't hurt anyone.”

“Where’s the crime in leaving because you don’t believe in them anymore?” Yuri asked, his mouth moving before he thought. He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him but he kept accidentally letting these things slip up. Luckily, it seemed like Otabek was on board. 

“So many of them have seen things that completely horrified them.” He was shaking his head. “The people I go after are criminals, plain and simple.”

“I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in the military and get no support, though.” Yuri shook his head. It was such a different life than the one he’d had. He’d been given the fastest ship in the fleet and the allowance to go just about anywhere and here was Otabek, who couldn’t get a ship, period. 

“They don’t want us as a part of the military, no matter how important our work. They see us as cops and they want soldiers.” Otabek looked at Yuri for a long time before smiling slightly and saying. “They want people like you.”

“Huh?” Yuri blinked surprised by the comment. “What do you mean by that?”

“I just mean… When I first saw you at the bar all I could think was that you had the eyes of a soldier. It was strange to see on someone so young.” 

Their food came and Otabek clammed up again, his smile dropping away like he was self-conscious of it. 

“I’m no soldier.” Yuri shook his head. “Just an explorer.” 

They ate in silence, both of them lost for words and realizing that this was a strange interaction. They both felt like they’d said too much to someone who was a stranger. It was only when they were done that Yuri decided to talk business.

“About your ride. If you want a ride to the edge, that’s where we’re headed.” 

“I need to get to Outer Region Galaxy 79.” 

“That’s the direction we’re probably going.” Yuri pushed his plate away from him, unsure what he ate even if he liked it. “You’re more than welcome on one condition.”

“What?”

“Don’t ask my crew or passengers too many questions.” Yuri narrowed his eyes, the predatory nature of his expression sending a shiver through Otabek. “They’re good people but we all have secrets and I don’t need a cop poking around.”

For a moment, Otabek considered whether this was a good idea or not. This explorer captain seemed like a good person but anyone that insistent on keeping their, and others’, secrets had to be up to something, right? 

“Umm…”

“It’s not like we killed someone.” Yuri smirked though there was no mirth in his face. Otabek found he wasn’t sure he believed that statement but also wasn’t sure that fact scared him. “And we’re not going to kill you. All the secrets my people have don’t affect you. At the most, they’re… military secrets so don’t worry too much. I’m just warning you that we don’t take kindly to nosiness.”

“None of you are evading your taxes, are you?” He asked, his face deadpan. After a moment of silence he added. “Sorry, that was supposed to be a joke.”

Yuri snickered, “Was that Joint Universal Military Civilian Force humor?” 

“It’s The Universal Joint Military–”

“So are you in?” Yuri interrupted before Otabek could get caught in a loop of corrections. “We can get you to ORG-79 and all you need to do is not arrest any of my people.” He sent him a cheeky smile, hoping if he doubled down then somehow Otabek wouldn’t suspect anything. “At least don’t arrest us until you get to know us.” 

\---

Sara didn’t want to tell Mila how happy she was to not be hiding their relationship anymore. She sort of understood why Mila had wanted to before—even if she was still waiting for a full explanation—and she didn’t want Mila feeling bad about that. She also wasn’t sure her reasons for changing her mind were all that healthy so maybe she should be encouraging going slow. 

But Sara liked walking around the market hand in hand with Mila and Sara was selfish sometimes. 

They stopped at a stall selling pretty handmade jewelry and when Sara wasn’t looking, Mila bought her a necklace to give her later. Sara cooed over the rings and Mila wondered if maybe there was a future where they could be happily married. She wondered if there was a future where Sara wanted that. 

At another stall, Sara picked up a small wooden figurine for Yuri and one for herself. She knew he didn’t talk much about what he collected but Sara knew he would pick up small things whenever he thought of it. She also knew he liked knick-knacks that were given as gifts even better. 

“Mila, let’s get something for Yuuri!” Sara said while they were looking through a stall that seemed to just sell _stuff_. “Ooo, we should get something for everyone.”

Mila laughed, the sound pleasant to Sara’s ears. She wasn’t looking in Mila’s directions so she didn’t notice the dullness of her smile or the way her body was tensed like she was about to be attacked. She didn’t see the sadness in Mila’s eyes but she could have guessed it would be there. She wasn’t unaware that Mila was still not the same and, privately, she was worried she never would be. 

“If you want to, I think it’s a great idea.” Mila walked to stand behind Sara. “But what would we get them.”

“Well, we can get Guang Hong and Leo matching jewelry. I think Phichit would love one of these photo books. There has to be something techy for Emil. Do you think Yuuri would like a statue like these? It might be nice to get him and Captain matching ones. The Captain would like that too even if he pretends not to care.” 

Mila smiled more genuinely, loving how much Sara cared about everyone on the ship. She just cared about people in a way that Mila never could. Sara was a good person and Mila–

“What should we get Seung-gil and Mickey?” 

“Hmm?” Mila asked, having only been half listening. “Oh, I’m not sure. Mickey’s your brother, you can figure that out. Maybe Seung-gil could use a… scarf?”

Surprisingly, this brightened Sara’s face. “That’s a great idea! We can find a scarf or a hat of something. He looked great in that sunhat Phichit got him at the beach so maybe we could get him a hat and Mickey a scarf. I do worry that Mickey gets cold so easily…” 

Mila let Sara keep talking as she picked out a few things from the current stall before pulling Mila towards another one. Mila didn’t mind being a shitty person if she was allowed to stay with Sara, even if she didn’t understand what she did to deserve or earn her time. 

Confidence in her work was something Mila had to have. Hesitation could get her and her crew killed. Confidence in herself wasn’t something she needed and it wasn’t something she had. Mila barely trusted herself to do her job, how could she trust herself as a person? 

“Mila, look,” Sara hissed, pointing through the window of a cafe at two figures get ready to leave. “Is that the Captain?” 

“It sure is.” Mila’s eyebrows scrunched together. “But who the hell is with him?” 

\---

“The crew especially might be a little jumpy. We had a bad run in a little bit ago and we’re all a little on edge,” Yuri explained, feeling weirdly not jumpy next to Otabek. “It’s not really you, so don’t feel too bad.”

“I doubt I would have felt bad,” Otabek said before pausing and trying again. “But that’s good to know.”

Yuri couldn’t help but laugh as he pushed the cafe door open. Otabek was a little stiff but, like Yuri had thought, it seemed to do more with a lot of time spent alone and traveling more than anything else. Yuri could kind of understand that. 

Before Yuri could say anything else, though, he was beset by two people.

“Captain!” Sara shouted, Mila close on her heels with her arms full of bags. “Hey!”

“Sara, Mila. This is good timing.” 

“Yeah?” Mila had a smile on that irritated Yuri. It was knowing in a way she had no right to be. There was nothing to know here. “Why’s that?”

“I have a new passenger for us.”

“My name is Otabek Altin and I work for The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force.” He bowed his head a little. “I’m grateful for the ride.”

“Nice to meet you Otabek,” Mila said. “I need to talk to the Captain for a second so why don’t you chat with Sara.” 

Mila dragged Yuri away before he or Sara could complain, making sure they were out of earshot but within sight.

“What the hell are you doing? He’s from the military.”

“You’ve heard of The Civil Criminal Force?” Yuri asked.

“No, I have no clue what that is. Maybe it’s not even real,” Mila crossed her arms. “But he’s military. I know what military uniforms look like and it sounds like he’s police.”

“He’s not!” Mila gave him a look. “Okay, he’s sort of police. But he’s not military police. He only goes after civilians who’ve broken universal laws. He wouldn’t know about us or care.”

“How do you know he doesn’t know about us? I’m sure the information has been all over military headquarters.”

“He’s been on the road for months.” Yuri sighed, having not expected a fight even though it made sense he’d have to explain why this wasn’t a terrible idea. “He’s been stuck here for a month, Mila. We can’t leave him here while the military drags their feet because they don’t like The Joint Criminal Force.” 

“Yuri, just because you have a crush–”

“Fuck you, I do not!” Yuri interrupted, turning red at the implication. “I can’t believe you’d say that.” 

“I get it, he’s pretty attractive.”

“Mila shut the fuck up.” 

“And I’m sure you’re not used to people who are more socially stunted than you.”

“You are the worst and you’re fucking wrong.”

“There’s nothing wrong with having a crush on him.”

“I’m going to punch you if you don’t shut up.”

“But that’s no reason to let a space cop on our ship.”

“Mila! Listen to me!” Yuri hated how red his face was. “I know what I’m doing. We’re going in the same direction as him and I swear he’s a good person.” He sighed. “I know I’ve screwed up a lot of things but I swear I’m not going to screw this up. Please… trust me.”

Mila paused, unused to the small voice Yuri was using. It held confidence but not the vibrato that Yuri’s statements usually had. It was certain but soft, something Mila was unused to. And, of course, there was the fact that she did trust him. After everything, she would still trust him because even _if_ she blamed him for what happened in the museum, and she didn’t, then she had to account for the fact that he was one of the reasons they all got out. She wasn’t sure she would have gone back for Yuuri like he did. If she had, she wouldn’t have taken everyone with her and maybe that would have been a better choice but she guessed it wouldn’t have. 

In the end, she’d trusted him since they became a crew in school and she guessed she wasn’t going to stop now. She would trust him until the end and stand by him, ready to fix the few mistakes he made. 

“Fine.” Mila sighed. “Okay. I trust you. But I think this is a bad idea.”

“I swear this will be okay.” 

Yuri really hoped he was right. 

\---

Dinner was more than a little tense. 

Seung-gil hadn’t said a word to Otabek, his eyes glued on the patch on his chest like his life depended on it. It was like he thought the patch was going to arrest him. 

Phichit had made some attempts at talking to him, but mostly to bother him for some stories which Otabek gladly gave only for Phichit to realize a lot of his job was paperwork.

Mila and Sara didn’t seem all that comfortable with him but Sara made an attempt at conversation, which mostly ended because Otabek didn’t have much to talk about outside of his work. 

Mickey had refused to come for dinner and after an apology, Emil had left to have dinner in Mickey’s room. 

Yuuri was the only one not completely perturbed by Otabek’s presence and, miraculously, knew about the agency he worked for. 

“I applied for The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force along with the USEA and the CF,” Yuuri explained. “They seemed like a good group but I didn’t get in because they weren’t hiring. They only recently dropped the hiring freeze. How long have you been with the force?”

“I started in the military police at 16 but then switched at 18 into The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force so I guess it’s been around two and a half or three years.” Otabek thought for a moment before shaking his head. “Space travel makes it hard to tell sometimes.”

“I get that,” Yuri chimed in. “I barely know how old I am some days.”

“What has you all the way out here?” Yuuri asked, moving to put more food on Yuri’s plate much to the younger man’s annoyance. 

“Fugitive out near the edge,” Otabek explained. “He thinks he got away from us because he tried to fake his own death but he doesn’t know…” Otabek’s face soured like he couldn’t think of a way to say what he was about to say. “He tried to cover his tracks by killing the witnesses but he doesn’t realize one of them survived.”

“That sounds horrible.” Yuuri tried not to think about how he was likely a murderer because that had been different. That had been self-defense. That was different. “What happened?”

“He tried to kill his entire family.” Otabek shook his head. “Faked his own death, made the whole thing look like an accident. Nobody would have even known if his daughter didn’t survive. She lost her mother and two siblings then had to explain to us how her father had killed them and tried to kill her. It was thanks to her we were able to find the trail this guy left. It’s my job to go pick him up.”

“His family?” Sara sounded particularly shaken. “That’s horrible. Why did he do it?”

“No clue.” Otabek shook his head, going back to his meal in silence as if he had said too much. And maybe he had because nobody at the table seemed to have much an appetite anymore. “I apologize. You didn’t need to hear all of that.”

“It’s fine,” Yuuri said, waving him away while giving Phichit a look that said to stop looking at Otabek like he was a good story. “Now, we need to figure out where you’re going to sleep.”

“Katsuki, are you in charge of this ship?”

“I don’t see you making your guest comfortable.” Yuri rolled his eyes at Yuuri. “I was thinking Seung-gil and Phichit could take my room. Otabek and I can take the bunks.”

Seung-gil and Phichit sputtered, both blushing.

“What are you talking about?” Phichit asked. “Why would we both switch with you?” 

Yuuri rolled his eyes, not sure how to deal with the fact that Seung-gil and Phichit seemed to be the only people who didn’t think they were dating. 

“Fine, what do you propose?”

“Yuuri,” Sara spoke up. “Would you mind sleeping in the pilot’s bunk? I can move to Mila’s room and I know I can trust you in the control room.”

“You don’t have to move on my account,” Otabek said. “All I need is a pillow and blanket. I can sleep in the cargo bay if I have to.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Yuuri insisted. 

“Please, I don’t want to uproot everyone.” Otabek ducked his head, seeming unused to any thought being given to his comfort. “The cargo bay is really fine with me.”

“Okay, if you really don’t want to…”

“Asshole, you don’t have to sleep in the cargo bay.” Yuri rolled his eyes. “I have plenty of room, you can just sleep on my floor.”

Mila looked like she wanted to argue but didn’t, letting Yuri do what he wanted even if she thought it was stupid.

“Captain, I don’t–”

Yuri glared at Otabek, interrupting him much like he’d once done with Yuuri.

“I wouldn’t offer if it were a bother.” Yuri’s glare softened for a moment, a barely visible smile creeping onto his lips. “And you don’t have call me Captain. It’s Yuri.” 

And, so, somehow, Otabek became part of The Potya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya, if you don't like otayuri I'm sorry :( 
> 
> It's a pretty small part of the story but I know how, I guess, controversial the ship is so... Yeah, it'll be in here a bit.
> 
> \---
> 
> I have 9 chapters left to write. I'm so close. That said, those nine chapters will probably be between 60K and 65K words so.... fuck me.... 
> 
> There's a small chance I'll take off next week just because after this chapter there's a three chapter arc and if I need to take a small break then I'd rather not do it in the middle of an arc no matter how small.


	20. Intersections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When all is said and done there isn't much that can explain these intersections, only a strange feeling that maybe it was all meant to be.

Yuri stepped out of bed, feeling less than refreshed despite the fact that he was used to getting too little sleep. He rubbed his eyes, stepping towards his desk—he always kept his clothes piled on his desk or bed because he couldn't be bothered to put them away—when his foot caught on something and he went tumbling to the ground. 

His knees hit the ground as his shins slammed into whatever he'd tripped on. That whatever grunted and the sleep went from Yuri's mind, reminding him of his guest.

“Fuck, sorry,” Yuri said, rolling off of Otabek. “I forgot you were there.”

“It's fine,” Otabek responded, still trying to regain the breath Yuri knocked out of him.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just give me a second.” 

In the low, red light of his room, Yuri could see Otabek sitting up carefully as he took a few, deep breaths. His hair was a mess, the top sticking out in every direction. He pulled his hand through his hair, doing nothing to smooth the mess, and Yuri nearly laughed. He didn’t since he felt pretty bad about nearly breaking Otabek’s ribs but he still laughed in his head. 

“What time is it?” Otabek asked. “I mean, how long have we been asleep?”

“Not sure, let me check.” Yuri stood up and found his clock, which was tied to the ship’s internal day-night cycle. “It’s 5 AM, ship time. I think we went to bed around midnight.”

Otabek raised an eyebrow at Yuri. “Do you usually get up this early?” 

“Yeah, don’t you?”

“Sure, but I also go to bed by ten.” 

“Old man,” Yuri shot at him, sliding onto his desk chair and opening his laptop to check the ship’s progress to their next destination. “The body really only needs five hours a night, in my experience. The people who say you need seven to eight hours of sleep obviously have too much time on their hands.”

“Or maybe they’re thinking about their health.” Otabek stood, looking curiously at Yuri’s work but not coming any closer, which Yuri was glad for. Right now he wasn’t doing anything suspicious but he did need to check radio chatter from the military, which could arouse some suspicion from Otabek. The less nosey Otabek was, the more Yuri felt good about letting him on board. 

“I’ve been living on five hours or less since I was like twelve and I’m doing just fine.”

“What in the world were you doing at twelve that required five hours of sleep or less?” Otabek wasn’t that surprised to know a young captain would have had bad sleeping habits most of their life, but twelve still seemed a little young. 

“Had to finish mandatory school early so I could apply to The Stellar Academy.” Yuri shrugged. “A captain has to have finished high school to apply and when I was twelve I began an accelerated program to finish high school in two years.”

“Two–” Otabek wasn’t sure what to say to that. “That was, what, four years of school in two years.”

“Six years in two,” Yuri amended. “But middle school was easy to finish, those years only took a few months since it was mostly standardized test I needed to pass. Freshman year took only a few months too. It was sophomore and junior year that was hard, they took a bit over a year. I almost missed the application deadline because I failed a test I needed. Luckily, I was able to find a few mistakes in the test and got enough points back to pass.” 

“That’s impressive.”

Yuri shrugged. “It’s about being able to take tests. Most of them aren’t that hard, in the long run.” He turned to look at Otabek. “And you’re one to talk, didn’t you start with the military police at 15?”

“16.” Otabek shrugged, imitating Yuri’s inability to talk positively about himself. “It’s not that uncommon. I didn’t need to finish high school.” 

“Still, that’s impressive too.” Yuri smiled slightly at Otabek then turned back to his computer. “Why don’t you go back to sleep? You can use my bed.”

“I’m fine.”

“I know, but nobody else will be awake for at least another hour so you might as well get some more sleep. People usually gather for breakfast around seven, so why don’t you sleep a little more.”

“Well…” Otabek glanced at Yuri’s bed, starting to feel tired now that the adrenaline of his sudden awakening was draining from his system. “Maybe just for a little.”

“I’ll wake you for breakfast,” Yuri told him. “So don’t worry about that.” 

“Okay,” Otabek pulled his blankets off the floor to add to Yuri’s blankets, the room a little too cold for him. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Yuri waved him off. “Sleep well.” 

\---

“We have a problem,” Yuri told the crew after forcing the passengers to leave the kitchen. They’d all just eaten breakfast and Yuri said he and the crew would clean up, mostly as a way to get everyone else to leave. “They’ve finally figured out how to shut down our card.”

“What?” Sara blinked at Yuri. “They what?”

“Our card. I didn’t want to tell you guys until I was sure, but on our last stop, it didn’t work so I’ve been doing some checking. I don’t know how they did it, but they’ve voided our card. All we have left is the cash we’ve taken out along the way.”

“Shit,” Mila muttered to herself. 

“It was only a matter of time,” Mickey shrugged. “We’ll be okay. We have that job from Eylea.”

“We still need to make it to ORG-96,” Mila pointed out.

“And if anything else breaks between there and where we are, we could be screwed,” Emil told them. “I’m doing my best, but replacing old parts with old parts isn’t really a great way to keep a ship together.” 

“We’ll be careful,” Yuri assured him. “We won’t do anything rash unless we absolutely have to.” 

“What if we took some real passengers?” Mila asked. “I mean, paying passengers. Not just a few strays.” 

“Let me remind you who picked up most of these ‘strays’,” Yuri told her while he crossed his arms.

“I have nothing against our merry band of brothers, I’m just saying that paying passengers could really help us out.”

“Fine, we’ll see who is willing to pay at our next stop. But I’m not taking someone just because they can pay.”

“I don’t expect you to.” Mila raised an eyebrow at Yuri. “That said, you seem to have pretty bad taste in passengers–”

“Fuck you, you like Otabek as much as I do.” Yuri rolled his eyes and Mila smirked.

“I wouldn’t say that, given how you seem to have quite the thing for him. I mean, wow, the way you look at him when–”

“I will throw you into space,” Yuri interrupted as Sara giggled next to Mila. 

“I doubt that,” Mila told him with a smile, standing and stretching. “Well, if that’s all done, I’d like to do some sparring practice if anyone wants to join me.” 

“I have some things to check up on,” Emil told her. “I still haven’t reset the emergency stop temperature gauge. I really need to do that before we accidentally burn up our engines again.” 

“Captain?” Mila asked. 

“I might come down in a little,” Yuri told her. “But I have an advertisement to make.” 

Mila sighed, looking between Sara and Mickey without a word.

“No way,” Mickey told her.

“You mean, not without Emil,” She teased, smirking. Surprisingly, he didn’t rise to the bait. 

“Some of us have work to do.”

“Sorry, Mila, I told Seung-gil I’d play chess with him.” 

“Ugh, you’re all boring,” Mila complained. “Maybe Yuuri will spar with me.”

“Well, you should all be careful not to overdo it,” Yuri reminded her. “And, also, maybe you could have Otabek to spar with you.”

She rolled her eyes and turned, “You’re obsessed, my friend.”

Without waiting for a response, she disappeared and slowly everyone else rose and scattered around the ship, leaving Yuri at the kitchen table by himself to think about how he was going to kick Mila’s ass next time they spared. 

\---

“Whatcha doing?” Phichit's voice surprised Emil, making him nearly drop the wrench he was holding.

“Phichit, I didn't hear you come in,” Emil said after catching his breath. “And I'm fixing the emergency heat gauge.”

“And what is that, exactly?”

“Remember how the ship pulled out of warp not long ago and the engines were nearly burned out?” Phichit nodded. “Well Guang Hong found the reason for the overheating but the engine room should never have gotten that hot to begin with. But a while back I turned the max temperature up. That's pretty dangerous and it's about time I changed it back to normal.”

“Huh,” was Phichit's only response as he watched Emil work. It seemed easy enough to mess with the gauge. Maybe too easy.

“You don't actually care, do you.” Emil raised an eyebrow at Phichit and he laughed 

“You caught me. I actually came to get a look at your SP.”

“Oh, well I can easily show you that.” Emil laughed now. “Let me just finish this up first.”

“Sounds great.” Phichit paused, scratching at his chin before continuing. “Also, I was wondering if you thought Mickey would talk to me.”

“Mickey?” Emil looked at Phichit uncertainty. “About what?”

“Well… he was on That Planet too and I know he's sort of religious and… I guess I wanted to talk to someone else about things. Someone else who believes what I do. Or, at least, something similar.”

“Oh, well, I'm sure he'd be okay with that.” Emil rarely thought about Mickey's religion. “But you'd have to ask him.”

“Okay.” Phichit tried to smile at Emil but failed. “Yeah, I guess you right. Okay. Yeah. Thanks.”

“Phichit,” Emil called as he turned to leave.

“What?”

“The SP?”

“Huh?” Phichit blinked at him.

“The SP, you said you wanted to see it?” 

“Oh,” Phichit blushed and giggled uncomfortably. “Yeah, right, of course.” He nodded. “Let's go.”

\---

ORG-4 was their first outer region galaxy on their way to the edge and Yuri was not happy about choosing this galaxy to start looking for passengers. Yuri knew he shouldn’t be so worried just because they were in the outer region—it was a pretty arbitrary border—but he’d grown up in the outer region and it wasn’t always easy. 

This planet—Asselin—was cold and covered in a thick layer of snow despite Sara informing them that it was spring. ‘Early spring,’ she had tried to defend when they saw the snow, though the defense didn’t hold for anyone, not even Yuri or Mila who were used to and liked the cold.

“Early spring my ass,” Yuri muttered to himself from his perch outside of The Potya. He wouldn’t have minded the cold and snow so much if he wasn’t being forced to sit outside and hope someone answered his advertisement. 

Guang Hong and Leo had been the first two to head out into town, saying something about finding something hot to drink. After them, Seung-gil had left, basically dragging a whining Phichi with him. He was saying something about buying Phichit cold weather clothes so he’d stop complaining. Even Yuri noted that even though Seung-gil was making a show of dragging Phichit, they were still—technically—holding hands. 

Nobody else left the ship, seeming content to stay aboard. Sara, Mickey, and Emil were surely complaining about the cold and Mila was probably trying to convince them it wasn’t so bad. Though, with how jumpy everyone was acting, maybe they were all happy for an excuse to stay aboard. 

As for Yuuri and Otabek, Yuri had last seen them in the kitchen, having taken over Sara and Seung-gil’s chess board. Yuri didn’t really understand the draw of chess, but, apparently, everyone on his ship loved to play it. 

While his mind was lingering on the kitchen, Yuri started to think about how adding even one new passenger was going to make mealtimes even harder than they already were. They were already squeezing eleven people into a space that was really meant for no more than nine, and really it was only meant for eight or less. If they got a single new passenger, he had no idea how they were going to deal with mealtime. They’d already had to start bringing chairs from different rooms to accommodate their growing numbers, not to mention how much more work Yuuri had to do for meal times. He’d started enlisting the help of various people on the ship to help him—usually, that meant Guang Hong since he was one of the few people on the ship who’s skill in cooking was better than passable—and even then, it was a lot of work. 

“Hey, is this The Potato?” Someone called to Yuri, dragging his thoughts back into the present. “We’re looking for a ride.”

Yuri looked down and saw a man and woman, both around Yuuri’s age, if not older. The man had dark hair, cut very similarly to Otabek’s, and a cocky smile that rubbed Yuri the wrong way. The woman was pretty, with similarly dark hair and kind, slightly less annoying eyes. Yuri didn’t like either of them, though he was mostly basing that dislike on the man’s decision to call Yuri’s ship ‘The Potato’. 

“If you want a ride, you better apologize for that fucking insult.” Yuri crossed his arms. “Because my ship isn’t called the fucking potato.”

The man looked down at the ad again and laughed, the sound annoying Yuri more than it probably should have. 

“I think I misread this ad. The Pota.”

“The Potya,” Yuri corrected through gritted teeth, “If you aren’t going to respect this ship, then you can keep walking.”

“What Jean is trying to do,” The woman said, finally speaking up. “Is get us a ride on your ship. The reason we want to go on your ship is that it’s the fastest ship out there, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Yuri confirmed with a cocky smirk. “But we aren’t giving out free rides.”

At least, not anymore.

“Don’t worry, we read your ad.” The man—Jean— insisted. “We can pay the 500 each.”

“Did you see the part that said half is to be paid upfront?”

“I did.” The man stepped a little closer to Yuri. “We don’t need to go far. Just to ORG-96. I’m JJ, by the way, and this is Isabella.” 

“Well, JJ,” Yuri said, jumping down from his seat. “I’ll see what my crew says, then we’ll talk. Stay here for a little bit.”

“I can’t wait to be aboard,” JJ told him and Yuri pursed his lips.

“Don’t be so sure you’ll get on board. You should know, my crew is pretty suspicious.” 

\---

“It’s nice to meet you both,” Mila said, sticking her hand out to shake first JJ’s then Isabella’s, all why Yuri pouted off to the side, annoyed nobody had put up much of a fight to keep these two off the ship. Apparently, desperate times made them more welcoming. 

Also, apparently their lack of military ties also made them easier to accept.

“You’ll be staying in one of the guest rooms,” Sara said with a smile. “I’m assuming you’re okay with sharing a bed?”

JJ laughed. “Yes, of course.”

“Is this everyone?” Isabella asked, looking around at the crew of The Potya.

“No, we have some more passengers,” Mila explained. “But this is all the crew. If you don’t meet everyone else before our next meal, well, they’ll all probably be there.”

“Sounds good,” JJ’s smile was wide and it annoyed Yuri. “When is the next meal?”

“Ship time now is 4,” Yuri told them. “Dinner is at 6. You can go as far as the kitchen or the viewing hall downstairs. Stay away from the engine room and the control room.”

JJ laughed, looking almost like he wanted to ruffle Yuri’s hair. He didn’t, which was probably for the best because Mila thought Yuri would bite JJ’s hand off without any warning. She wasn’t that surprised Yuri didn’t seem to like the man, but she didn’t understand why he was being outright hostile. It’s not like he’d taken similar precautions for any of their other passengers. Hell, the rest of the passengers spent more than a little time in either the engine room or the control room. 

“I wasn’t planning on going either place, so that should be fine.” JJ looked at Isabella. “Sweetheart, were you going to go to the engine room?””

“I didn’t have any plans to unless someone needs my help down there.”

“This is a government ship, I doubt their mechanic needs help for any small time mechanic like you.” Yuri rolled his eyes, feeling like this was some sort of show the two were putting on. For who, he wasn’t sure. “No more than their pilot needs help from me.”

“You two know about ships?” Yuri asked, rising to what he assumed was bait.

“Sure do.” JJ smiled at Yuri. “I’ve had training equivalent to a pilot, a navigator, and a protector.”

“And I grew up fixing things. Everything from toys to radios to ship.” Isabella told them. “My daddy used to be a USEA mechanic and he taught me everything I know.” 

“Maybe you can help me, then,” Emil said with a smile. “I have an old SP that needs fixing. Maybe you can help me figure out what parts it needs.” 

“An SP, huh.” Isabella seemed to be thinking for a moment. “I might be able to help you there, but I’d have to look at it. I’ve never actually worked with a game system that old.”

“Not a lot of people have,” Emil agreed. “Which is why I’d love some new eyes to look at it.”

“Sure, how about after dinner?” She smiled and Yuri thought she seemed a little less annoying than the company she kept. 

“Sounds good to me.”

Everyone smiled at each other—except Yuri, of course—and things seemed light and happy. Mila and Mickey both started to feel their anxiety lessening, though nobody could tell they’d been anxious at all. They were both very good at hiding it. They’d always been good at that, but they’d gotten better since The Museum. Sure, they were willing to talk more now than before, but they still like to keep those times to a minimum, for fear that talking about their worries too much would lessen their worth.

It was an unreasonable fear, but they both still felt it. 

Sara felt there was something a little bit off about JJ and Isabella, but she didn’t think it was a bad off. She was sure they thought the whole crew felt a little off, especially Yuri. There was something about space that just made people a little weird.

Emil was, after Yuri, the most untrusting of these two—a fact that would have rightly surprised everyone gathered. Sure, he was trying to ignore the feeling in his gut that screamed not to trust them—and he was, honestly, doing a good job of ignoring that feeling—there was just something wrong that he couldn’t put his finger on. 

“We’ll make an announcement when dinner is starting,” Sara told them with a smile. “For now, why don’t we show you your room?”

\---

“You okay here?” Sara asked Yuuri as she walked into the control room. He was moving his few belongings to the bunk where the ship’s pilot usually slept. “It’s not too hard to get up there, right?”

“I may not be a spry as I once was,” Yuuri responded with a raised eyebrow that earned him a laugh from Sara. “But I’m perfectly capable of getting into a bunk bed.”

“Point taken,” Sara said. “Thanks for doing this. It’s a huge help.”

“Yuri told me what’s going on.”

“Did he?” Sara wasn’t sure whether or not to be surprised by this news. On one hand, she hadn’t expected Yuri to tell anyone outside the crew about their money troubles. On the other, she was used to the way Yuri had all but officially made Yuuri one of the crew. 

“Yeah. I wish there was more I could do, but my money is just as short as yours.”

“Not that Yuri—or any of us—would have let you pay.”

Yuuri rolled his eyes, “Which is noble of you all, but really silly. You’re taking me to The Edge, afterall.”

“Remember,” Sara smiled. “We’re not taking you anywhere. We were going to The Edge either way and you just so happened to be coming along.”

Yuuri laughed at that, not sure what to do with this crew. “Of course, how could I forget that.” 

“You know that no matter what, Yuri wouldn’t take your money. Too much pride.” 

“How would it be any different from taking money from these new people?”

“Well, first off he likes you and he doesn’t like them.” Sara smirked at how childishly Yuri had been acting towards JJ in particular. “Also, they came to us knowing they’d be paying for a ride. You’re just some hitchhiker with a tragic past.”

“My past isn’t that tragic,” Yuuri tried to defend, knowing he was going to lose this argument.

“It’s pretty tragic,” Was Sara’s flippant response and Yuuri conceded, mostly because he didn’t want to talk about his past, tragic or otherwise. “But really, I want you to know how thankful we are that you agreed to move here. And… well, we’re thankful you ever came aboard.”

“I’m thankful you let me aboard,” Yuuri answered, turning back to the bunk so he didn’t have to look at Sara. “And of course I’d move. I’m surprised you’re letting anyone else stay in the control room, though. I thought all pilots were control freaks.”

Sara laughed at that, thinking that maybe it was more than a little true. 

“There’s nobody I’d trust more to watch the control room without me.”

“Nobody?” Yuuri snorted. “I can think of an entire crew you’d trust.”

“I trust them, sure, but not to take care of this alone. Except maybe Yuri, since I know he can fly pretty well. Mickey and Emil are trustworthy, but I wouldn’t let them near the controls. At least, any closer than Mickey always is.”

“And what about Mila?”

That seemed to hit an odd sore spot for Sara as she nearly flinched away from Yuuri as he spoke, further cementing a small something that had been itching at the back of his mind. For as much as the two of them were outwardly dating, he felt like there was still something pushing them apart. They held hands, they were happy together, and spent plenty of time in each other's company. Sometimes they really seemed like they were happily dating but then sometimes when Mila wasn’t looking, Yuuri would see a look on Sara’s face he couldn’t place.

A little fear and a little anger. A little confusion and a little worry. A little wistfulness and a little pain.

He didn’t understand it anymore now than he had then, but now he was sure he hadn’t been imagining it.

“Mila can’t exactly fly either,” Sara pointed out, her momentary negative reaction reversing quickly, a smile back on her face. “My point is, as long as someone is close who can fly, I sleep better at night.” 

“Sara…” Sara looked at Yuuri, her face pleading. Whether she was pleading for silence or speech, Yuuri couldn’t tell. “What’s going on between you and Mila?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” She said, not believing she was being all that convincing. 

“Sara, you can talk to me.” Yuuri thought for a moment. “I know I’m not exactly a model for healthy relationships, but I can still probably help you. I know you don’t want to think that you’re young, but–”

“Yuuri, I don’t think your relationship with Viktor is unhealthy,” Sara interrupted. She stopped talking, looking down at her feet, but Yuuri waited, feeling she was going to continue. After almost a minute, she sat down at the pilot’s control panel and started messing with the buttons, cycling through system screens too fast to actually be looking at them. “Was there ever anything you didn’t ask Viktor? I mean, were there things you didn’t feel like you could ask? Things you didn’t know, but would never question.”

“Obviously there were things I didn’t know about him.”

“Yeah, but I mean… like were there times that you knew he was keeping a secret but you knew it would hurt him if you asked so you let it go?” 

Yuuri thought for a little, “I guess sometimes I gave him time when I thought something was wrong. But if it took him too long, I’d just ask. Early in our relationship, I nearly screwed things up by assuming things about him and about our relationship. I was lucky that Viktor was patient and understanding.” Yuuri looked at Sara’s back before grabbing one of the extra chairs that sat in the corner of the control room, pulling it close to Sara’s chair. “Sara, you don’t have to tell me anything specific, but I need to know a little more if you want me to help you.”

“It’s just…” Sara’s voice was thin and strained like she was trying her hardest not to cry. “Before The Museum, Mila and I got in an argument. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too. Then she mentioned a woman’s name I’d never heard before and suddenly she wouldn’t speak anymore. I– I know this woman was important to her at one point and that something happened. I don’t think it was between them, I think something happened to the woman. To the girl…” Sara remembered Mila mentioning something about being a teenager. “If I had to guess, I think it was someone Mila dated when she was in high school. But she said the name to me and nothing else. I thought she might bring it up herself but… well, she hasn’t and I’m not sure whether or not I should ask.”

“If it’s worrying you this much, I think you should ask,” Yuuri told her truthfully, wishing Sara would look at him. “But… well, if you don’t think it’s affecting your relationship now then I guess you don’t have to. But, Sara, if one conversation breaks your relationship, then it probably wasn’t meant to be.” 

“I guess you’re right…” Sara said, obviously wanting to say more but holding back. Yuuri wasn’t about to let her do that, though.

“That’s not all.” That wasn’t a question.

“I guess I’ve been worried about Asya—that was the name she said—for a while now but… the thing is, when Mila came back from The Museum something she said stuck with me. And it’s really been bothering me.” Sara turned slowly in her chair to face Yuuri even though she still wouldn’t look him in the eye. “Like I said, when we had our argument she told me she loved me. But when she came back from The Museum she said it again. She said she’d wanted to tell me but was too afraid to really say it. She said she almost missed her chance. I thought it was weird because she had told me she loved me. But then… then she said that she knew she said it already but that she hadn’t meant it then and she was sorry for lying but that she was too afraid to admit to herself she loved me.” 

The words were spilling out of Sara’s mouth and Yuuri could see her eyes were glassy. The speed of her words only increasing as she spoke, the words like water that’s found a small break in a dam. 

“But the thing is, I never thought she was lying. I’d never even noticed that she hadn’t meant it. I had believed her the first time she said it and now I’m so afraid because how can I believe her when she says ‘I love you’? When she first came back I didn’t want to bring it up because I knew she was still recovering—you all were—but now I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m so afraid that she only said she loved me because she felt like she had to.” 

“Sara.” Yuuri’s voice cut through Sara’s suddenly crowded mind and she finally looked up at him, the tears—so much like the words had been—sudden and uncontrolled. 

“She was one of the few things left in the entire universe I trusted and now I don’t even know if I can trust her!” 

Yuuri reached out and put a hand on Sara’s shoulder, looking at her with a pair of sympathetic eyes that made Sara feel a little better. She thought Yuuri must have lots of great friends back in his home that were missing him since she thought he might be the best friend in the universe. 

“You need to talk to her about this. Just like you don’t want her to hide the things that hurt her, she doesn’t want that for you either. And like I said, if one or two conversations break you two then maybe you weren't meant to be. What I learned from all the bullshit Viktor and I went through was that a real relationship can survive even the hardest conversations and the biggest arguments because you figure it out. If you two are meant to be, you’ll figure it out. If not, well, that’s life.” 

Sara sniffled a little, her tears starting receding as quickly as they came. 

“Thanks for being here for me again. You’re always such a great listener, I don’t know how you do it.” 

“You guys make it easy,” Yuuri admitted. “You guys make me want to help.” 

“Well, I think I have someone to find,” Sara told him, both of them standing at the same time. Yuuri walked over and grabbed a few tissues for Sara from the bunk and handed them over. “Thanks… And you know, if everything you said is true—which I think it is—then I think even this won’t keep you and Viktor apart.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Yuuri told her because, for all his pretty words, he had a hard time believing the things he said. “Now, go find Mila.”

Sara thanked him again and Yuuri waved her away, happy when she was able to leave with a smile on her face. He sighed and pulled the medallion out from under his shirt, where it always laid now. For a bit, he’d only worn it sometimes, but after its usefulness in The Museum, he found he couldn’t bear to take it off. 

Looking at the number on it, he sighed. Twenty-two was so close and yet he felt like he’d never find Viktor. He was so afraid that he would never hold Viktor in his arms again and he was afraid he’d never hear Viktor say ‘I love you’ again. 

He was afraid now, less because he thought Viktor was running from him and didn’t love him and more because he knew how horrible the universe was now. He could only imagine what Viktor could be running from in the universe and, at this point, Yuuri would be happy if it was him. 

Yuuri was so afraid that Viktor was running from something too big for Yuuri to help him with. He was afraid that Viktor was in over both their heads.

Yuuri was—in both the deepest parts of his mind and the most shallow—terrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this 3 chapter arc (The Isabella and JJ Arc) so I don't need to take time off. Now, after these three chapters I might take time off but it depends. I'm in the middle of working on the next few chapters but my buffer is almost gone again and some idiot with my face has gotten really into writing a haikyuu fic...


	21. I Was Afraid of the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was afraid of the dark,  
> Not because of the unknown,  
> But because I knew all too well,  
> What was there.

Dinner was anything but a quiet affair. With thirteen people on the ship, there wasn’t really room at the table. There weren’t even enough plates for everyone, with the ship only having twelve. Lucky, Guang Hong and Leo said they could share a plate so everything was even. 

The table was mostly taken up by the food. Yuuri had worked hard in the kitchen, trying to make something he thought everyone would like. Guang Hong had helped him to cut up vegetables and prep small things while Yuri stopped in near the end to give Yuuri a hand finishing everything. ORG-4’s stop had allowed them to stock up on food thanks to the money from Isabella and JJ—they gave half up front and promised half when they were dropped off—and Phichit’s information gathering finding them a discount bulk goods store. 

Tonight’s main course was one that Yuuri had learned from Viktor—chicken stuffed with garlic butter and breaded—and the side dishes were a combination of ones he learned from his mom, ones he learned from Viktor, and ones he’d just picked up during his life. He had a mixture with rice, mushrooms, and seasonings wrapped in cabbage as one side dish. He had a light but spicy cabbage soup and a cabbage-based salad—one head of cabbage probably would have been enough to feed nearly all of them, but they’d bought nearly ten so a lot of the dishes were made of cabbage. They also had some plain rice for those at the table who ate rice with every meal—the number of people which this applied to had been steadily increasing since Yuuri boarded, with Isabella making that number six people. Seven if you counted Otabek, but Yuuri suspected he’d eat anything that was put in front of him. 

“Pass the cabbage rolls,” Emil called, almost not getting a response because of how wrapped up everyone was in their own conversations. After almost a minute, Yuuri reached across the table to hand the plate to Emil. There had been three plates of them, but the ones near Emil were gone and the next closest one was almost gone too. It was only the plate near Yuuri that was anywhere near full and it was half gone. 

“Here you are,” Yuuri said as Emil took them, glad people seemed to like the meal. 

“Thanks.”

Yuuri smiled, turning back to JJ, who’d been telling him a story. JJ and Isabella were sitting at one corner of the table, practically leaning on each other, they were so close. JJ was telling Yuuri a story about his childhood—more specifically his teenage years—but Yuuri was having a hard time following it since the room was so loud. 

Next to Yuuri was Leo and Guang Hong, talking quietly to each other. Their heads were close and their chairs even closer, since they were sharing a dinner plate. Guang Hong was smiling sweetly at Leo and anyone could tell they were two young people in love. They were talking about nothing in particular, instead simply enjoying each other’s company while they let meaningless words flow between them. 

Next to them were Phichit and Seung-gil. Phichit was teasing Seung-gil, who was blushing while trying to pretend he wasn’t bothered by Phichit’s teasing. They sat close, but not too close, their relationships one of the strangest from the outside. There was practically a betting pool dedicated to the question of whether or not they were dating, with half the crew saying they were and the other half saying they weren’t. Yuuri personally thought they were dating, even if neither of them realized it. 

At the corner opposite JJ and Isabella were Otabek and Yuri. They seemed lost in their own little world, talking quietly to each other about space travel and how strange long stretches of void were. They were so off in their own world, barely sitting at the table—their chairs turned more towards each other than the dinner table. It was fine, since the table wasn’t exactly big enough for thirteen people, but it wasn’t like that was their reason for being apart from the table.

Next to them, Mila was smirking knowingly at Yuri. Even if she was still wary of Otabek, she was starting to get used to him and she really thought he was an awkward but ultimately harmless cop. Next to Mila, Sara was teasing Mickey and not looking in Mila’s direction. Despite their lack of eye contact, under the table, their hands were linked. Sara still hadn’t had her conversation with Mila—when she found her after talking to Yuuri, Mila had been on the edge of an unexpected panic attack and Sara didn’t feel right bringing up anything that would upset her more. 

Mickey was sitting in between Sara and Emil, blushing and looking grumpy about Sara’s teasing. Emil was laughing along with Sara and while Mickey and Emil weren’t touching, they were sitting extremely close together. 

“I’m surprised you don’t have more scars,” Yuuri admitted honestly after JJ finished a story about Isabella and his first meeting. Apparently, he’d gotten into a bar fight and she’d come to his rescue. “You seem to get into a lot of fights.”

“Not really,” JJ smiled widely. “And when I get into a fight, I never get hit.”

“He means, he never gets hit in the face,” Isabella corrected laughingly. “He’s very protective of his face.”

For her part, Isabella had one pretty noticeable scar on her cheek. It was straight and ran from her hairline down to the middle of her cheek. Yuuri hadn’t asked her about it, not wanting to be rude, but she was obviously used to people wanting to ask questions because she offered to explain if Yuuri wanted to hear. He’d caved, his curiosity getting the better of him, and she explained she’d gotten in fight when she was a teenager. The other kid pulled a knife on her and she’d barely made it out of there without getting a worse injury. She’d shown Yuuri her hands, which had similar scars on them from where she’d protected herself from the knife. She’d grown up near The Edge and had lived in a pretty rough city. 

“So,” Isabella lowered her voice, leaning closer to Yuuri. “Do you know where the Captain got his scar?”

“The one of his cheek?” Isabella nodded and Yuuri responded with a head shake. “I’ve never heard that story.”

“I can still hear you,” Yuri called across the table and Isabella flinched. “If you’re so curious, just ask.”

“I didn’t want to be rude.”

“And asking behind my back isn’t rude?”

Isabella blushed and the Potya’s crew snickered at the image of Yuri lecturing someone about not being rude. Especially since Isabella was probably around ten years older than him. 

“If you have to know, this scar is from when I was a little kid.”

“So that was, what, a year ago?” Phichit asked, earning him a glare from Yuri but a laugh from everyone else. 

“Don’t be mean, I want to hear this,” Mila said. “He’s never even told us this story.”

“It’s not a big deal, that’s why.” Yuri rolled his eyes. “You’re all making more out of this than it actually is.”

“We’ll be the ones to judge that,” Mila told him and he rolled his eyes again.

“Okay, fine. I was like seven and I walked up on some kids being mean to a cat so I grabbed it. I punched one of them, which got them angry and they started chasing me and the kitten. Eventually, they cornered us and my options were stay and fight—and get beat up—or roll down the hill behind me, which ended in a patch of briar. I picked that choice and ended up with lots of little scratches all over me. This one is the only one that never faded.” 

“Aww, that’s so cute,” Sara said, looking ready to cry. “You’re such a good guy.”

“Shut up,” Yuri responded, pursing his lips and looking away to hide the blush slowly creeping onto his face. “It was stupid and I could have been hurt way worse. Mama nearly had a heart attack when I came back looking like I’d gotten in a knife fight.” 

“Still, it was quite noble of you,” Yuuri told him and Yuri just mumbled incoherently about Yuuri being a sap and his opinion not mattering. 

“Well, now that we’ve embarrassed the Captain, I’m going to start cleaning up,” Mila said with a smile. “Anyone want to help?” Yuuri and Guang Hong started to raise their hands and Mila glared at them. “Other than people who made dinner.” 

“I’ll help,” Otabek said, standing and starting to gather empty dishes. As everyone stood, he glanced at Yuri. “And Capt– umm… Yuri?”

“Yeah?”

“I think that was good of you. Helping that cat, I mean.” 

Yuri blushed deeper, grumbling and fleeing from the room, much to the amusement of Mila and the confusion of Otabek. 

\---

 

Everyone else cleared out and it was just Otabek and Mila, an awkward quiet falling between them. Otabek would have been content with silence and normally Mila would too, but there was something about being in the other’s presence that made that normally comfortable silence, deeply uncomfortable. 

“You know I don’t trust you,” Mila finally said.

“I thought so,” Otabek said, feeling a little less uncomfortable now that they’d addressed the elephant in the room. “I understand. I’ve never been considered a friendly or inviting person.”

“That’s not why. I’m sure you’ve noticed we’re not exactly rule-following military types.”

“Yes. I don’t think it’s military policy to pick up travelers.” 

“And you are a military cop.”

“I’m not part of the Military Police,” Otabek pointed out. “I don’t care how an explorer ship conducts itself, to be honest.” 

“Sorry if I have a hard time believing that.” Mila put down her sponge to look at Otabek. “You started out in the Military Police.”

“I did but I didn’t agree with the way they conducted themselves so I changed positions.”

“But you can understand how I might not trust you.”

“I understand completely and I don’t expect you to trust me.”

Mila blinked, not expecting that level of frankness let alone those words. “Oh.”

“I don’t really trust any of your passengers but I do trust the crew of this ship. I trust the Captain.”

“You know you can call him Yuri.” Mila rolled her eyes and went back to washing dishes. “That idiot wants you to call him Yuri.”

“It’s hard. They do beat the importance of rank into you. At least they do when you train for the police. And working for The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force as well. The military makes sure people in The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force remember their rank. Pretty much everyone in The Military outranks the entire Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force.”

“Really?” Mila asked, shocked enough to hear him say so that she didn’t even ask why he insisted on saying the organization's full name. Not that there was really any way to shorten the name. Calling it The UJMCCRF didn’t exactly roll off the tongue any better.

“The highest rank allowed for our members is a one star, which is why I have no star despite being a full member of the military.”

“Why do they treat you like that?”

Otabek thought for a moment, unsure how to explain why The Military treated them like they did. He wasn’t completely sure he understood, to be honest, so really all he could do was guess.

“They don’t see us as military, I guess. We deal with civilians and we don’t really help The Military much. I think they want us to be a government subclass instead of a military subclass. And, maybe they’re right. I’m no soldier, none of us are.” 

“Neither are we,” Mila told Otabek, putting her hands on the edge of the sink and leaning forward, looking to Otabek like she was trying not to be sick. “I don’t believe any human is really supposed to be a soldier.”

“Maybe not, but there are definitely people who are good at it.”

“I guess you’re right.” Mila took a shuddering breath then went back to finishing up their cleaning, which was almost done. “Maybe some people are made to be soldiers but I don’t think anyone on this ship was made that way.” 

“Maybe not,” Otabek repeated because despite his comments to Yuri about him looking like a soldier, in the handful of days since they met he’d come to realize that he’d been wrong. There was something similar between a soldier and Yuri but… they weren’t the same. Yuri was… something else entirely. Something strong and sturdy and loyal but something that was different from a soldier who had the same qualities. Maybe Otabek was reading too much into a young man he just met. 

“Well, that’s all the dishes,” Mila said as she handed Otabek the last plate to dry. “This was… good.”

“I agree.”

“I still don’t trust you but…” Mila looked at Otabek for a long time. “Well, I guess if Yuri trusts you, I can trust him.” 

“That’s all I’d ask.” Otabek smiled slightly, the sight surprising Mila enough for her to smile back reflexively. “Thanks for talking to me, Spacewoman.”

“Seriously?” Mila hadn’t been called by her rank since the ceremony to make them the official crew of The Potya. “Call be Mila.” 

“Oh, okay.” Otabek put the last plate away and wait for a moment. “Well, thanks for talking to me, Mila. It was nice.”

“I’m… glad,” Mila smiled at him again. “Hey, want to come downstairs and practice some sparring with me?”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to slow you down.”

“Trust me, you aren’t the worst person I’ve sparred with.” She put an arm around his shoulder. “Maybe you can help me convince Yuuri to spar with us. He has a lot of hand-to-hand combat training and I really want to spar him but he keeps turning me down. Maybe you can convince him, though.” 

Otabek felt like he was being roped into a scheme he didn't want to be part of and he smiled because, for the first time—pretty much since he left his home planet—he felt like he was part of something. And, maybe, he smiled because Mila reminded him so much of his little sister and the way she always caused trouble, Otabek always there to take half the blame even though he’d been trying to stop her. 

Otabek wasn’t sure he remembered the last time he’d felt that small, warm feeling that came from being with family. 

\---

Yuuri had gotten up in the middle of the night to get something to drink, expecting everyone to be asleep. But, when he got to the entrance to the kitchen he heard voices inside. One was Isabella but the other took him a bit to recognize. It was so full of fear that he didn’t realize at first that it was, in fact, JJ. 

“ _Xīngān_ , please calm down. We’re safe.”

“We’ll never be safe!” JJ took a shuddering breath. Even after his breath, his voice was still panicked and so, so terrified. “I’ll never be safe.”

“We’re going to get far away from them. They won’t be able to touch you.”

“The closer we get, the more intense they are. I don’t know if I can make it until we’re flying east.” Yuuri wondered why they were going west if, obviously, they didn’t want to be. “And I can’t get this fucking image out of my mind.”

“It’s not your job to save everyone,” Isabella said quietly. “He can’t expect any of you to help him.” 

“I thought he was dead,” JJ said, his voice barely louder than a gentle breeze. He sounded like he was pleading with someone or like he was trying to explain his actions. “Most of us did!” 

“He got out without you, what do you owe him?” There was steel in Isabella’s voice. 

“I don’t blame him. We were– there’s no way he could have– I don’t even understand how he got out. Him and B1 had to be dead, that’s what we all thought. There was no way they could get out in anything but a body bag. B5 thought maybe they’d done some sort of test on them and they died. I thought they were still alive. I told them all exactly that, all the time, but finally B3 snapped and shouted at me. She said they were dead and that I needed to stop being naive. I don’t know why I was so sure they were alive but I guess I’d been right. And now B4 is in trouble and I’m just running away.”

“You’re one person, you can’t save him. This is too big.” 

“I’m powerful!”

“This isn’t about power and we both know you’re not powerful enough to do this on your own. You’d need an army to win this but you have me and I might be good in a fight but I can’t fight this. We just need to get away from this all and maybe the visions will fade. Maybe the nightmares will stop.”

Yuuri finally couldn’t wait any longer and he stepped into the kitchen, because this sounded like something he’d heard before.

“What kind of nightmares do you have?”

Isabella and JJ started, Isabella drawing a gun Yuuri didn’t know she had and JJ shrinking further into himself.

“Woah!” He put his hands up. “I’m not here to hurt you.”

“Oh, Yuuri, it’s just you.” Isabella breathed a long sigh then put her gun away. “Don’t scare us like that.” 

“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to.” Yuuri shook his head, looking over the two of them. “I just overheard some of your conversation and I have questions.”

JJ was sitting on the floor, his back against the some of the kitchen counters. His shoulders were hunched and his hair was a mess, looking a lot like Yuuri’s hair did when he was panickingly pulling his hands through his hair. Isabella was kneeling next to him, looking tired and concerned. Also looking like none of what they were dealing with was new. 

But then something about them clicked in Yuuri’s head and he realized why the scene looked so familiar. JJ had a look in his eyes that Yuuri had seen in Viktor’s eyes and Isabella had a look Yuuri had never seen. But it was one he’d felt before, one he didn’t need to see in a reflection of himself to be able to recognize it. 

“My husband disappeared,” Yuuri told them. “He left a weird letter and I think he’s somewhere near the western edge of the universe. That’s why we’re headed that way.”

“Why tell us that?” Isabella asked, looking suspiciously at Yuuri. 

“Before he disappeared, for years before, he’d been having nightmares. Most of them seemed to be from childhood trauma but there was one he had a lot right before he disappeared. One where he said he saw a little boy in pain. It was a boy he’d seen in his other dreams but he insisted that this seemed even more real than they had. He said he didn’t know the boy but also said he was familiar. He said he had brown hair and green eyes and that he’s always crying and saying he wants to go home.”

“That’s him,” JJ’s mouth was agape. “That’s B4.”

“B4?”

“We didn’t have names,” JJ explained quietly. “I was B2OR61. There was B1OR19, B3OR84, B4OR10, AND B5OR90. Four boys and a girl. We lived together, we ate together, and we trained together. One day B1 and B4 disappeared and nobody told us anything. None of the other groups had people disappear, just ours. We just assumed they were dead but now B4 keeps appearing in dreams. If your husband was seeing that, he must be B5.” 

“What did he look like?” Yuuri asked, wondering how this could have been so easy. 

“Black hair and brown eyes.” 

Or not.

“That’s not him.” Yuuri shook his head. “What about the first one? What about B1?”

“No. B5 might have been alive but he’s always been hard to detect. B1 was never difficult to detect, I would know by now if he were alive. Unless he ran east, I’d sense him.”

“My husband definitely went west,” At least Yuuri hoped so. “His letter seemed to be pointing there.”

“Well, whoever you husband is, you should give up on him if he’s gone west to save B4.” JJ’s previously constant smile was gone and now so was the fear in his eyes. Instead, a serious frown had replaced them both completely. 

“What?”

“This is too big for one or two people to deal with.” JJ was shaking his head while Isabella nodded in agreement. “You should turn around and run as soon as you can. If he’s already there, then… well, I’m sorry, but your husband is as good as dead.” 

“No.” Yuuri shook his head. “He’s alive, I just know it. And I’m going to find him and bring him home.”

“Whatever,” JJ shrugged, struggling to stand for a few seconds before Isabella stood and helped him up. “Do what you want. But I’m warning you, nothing good will come of going west.”

Then they both left Yuuri alone in the red-lit kitchen with a few new answers but a lot of new questions. 

\---

 

Yuuri wanted desperately to ask JJ more questions, but the man didn’t allow himself to be cornered by Yuuri. But after a day of Yuuri doing his best Phichit impression, JJ caved following a glance and a nod from Isabella at the dinner table. 

Leaning close to Yuuri, he whispered so that nobody else would hear.

“Come to the cargo bay tonight and I’ll explain to you what you want to know.”

“Thank you,” Yuuri said with a sigh, glad he’d get some answers. Maybe now he’d be able to figure out what Viktor had gotten himself—gotten them both—into. “You don’t know how much this means to me.”

“Don’t thank me yet,” JJ told him, leaning back in his chair. “I doubt you’ll like what I have to say.” 

“Still, thank you.” Yuuri smiled at him but JJ was frowning, seeming to be conflicted about something. “I just want to know what’s happened to Viktor.”

JJ shook his head, looking sick, and then stood without a word. He swallowed dryly and then headed towards the bathroom, leaving Yuuri—and the rest of the table—uncertain and more than a little concerned. 

That said, Yuuri felt pretty good because maybe he’d finally get some real answers. Maybe, for once, he would need to solve a riddle to get some answers. Maybe he’d finally understand the riddles he was trying desperately to decode.

Maybe he’d finally be able to understand why Viktor left. 

\---

 

They hadn’t talked about a lot of things they probably should have talked about. Phichit knew he should just take the initiative and ask but he was too afraid. He was afraid that Seung-gil didn’t even remember kissing him—Seung-gil had been pretty drunk—and it would be awkward to bring it up. What would be even more awkward was if Seung-gil was purposefully not talking about said kiss and Phichit brought it up. 

Phichit didn’t mind their current situation and he wasn’t sure he was willing to shake things up. 

Since The Museum, he and Seung-gil rarely slept alone. They hadn’t actually talked about it—that seemed to be a running theme between them—but Seung-gil always left plenty of room for Phichit and Phichit always slid into bed with him. By the time they fell asleep, one of them usually had their arms around the other and Phichit knew this wasn’t normal but…

He just wasn’t usually very brave.

Tonight, they were talking in the darkness, their conversation meandering from one topic to the next with Phichit doing most of the talking but not nearly as much as usual. 

“It feels like most people in this universe have no chance. Most of the planets are so dangerous. I was lucky to be born in a rich family but my homeplanet wasn’t exactly a safe place. My, umm, most recent home was even worse.”

“The people in charge are looking for power and control, that’s all. They don’t care about the planets as long as they’re under their control. Some of the rich inner region planets are cared for, but that’s because they’re the homes of people in power.” Seung-gil sighed, the sound starting to be a more common one from him and Phichit couldn’t decide why. “The thing most people don’t realize is that we live in a military state. We have a government but they have little power anymore. Most of the power is in the military and it has been for a long time now.” 

“Really?” Phichit had always suspected as much but that wasn’t exactly something that was easy to confirm. 

“There are people in the government who are trying to help the universe but they don’t have the money. And a lot of the government is in the pocket of the military.” 

“Why’d you join the Constellation Force?” Phichit asked, hoping he didn’t sound like he was accusing Seung-gil of anything. He was genuinely curious about his reasons. 

“I always wanted to be a pilot,” Seung-gil said quietly. “And it was the best chance I had to help my family. Sariseong isn’t full of many opportunities and the CF gave me a chance to fulfill my dream and also to send money home to my family. I could have done shipping work but that didn’t pay nearly as well.”

“You were sending the money home?” The cruel outcome of a job meant to help Seung-gil’s family made Phichit sick, his hold on Seung-gil tightening slightly. 

“My sister was always the smarter one of us two and I wanted her to be able to get a real education. To go to a real school. She deserved it. She’d worked so hard in school and she deserved a chance.” Seung-gil fiddled with his old bracelet. “She could do everything by herself except pay to get off planet. She could probably have gotten most of a university degree paid for with her grades alone but they rarely pay the transportation costs. On top of that, I wanted her to feel free to do what she wanted, to go where she wanted, without worrying too much about money.”

Seung-gil was shaking like a leaf and Phichit pulled him closer, running a hand through his hair in the hopes of comforting him. 

After a few minutes of silence between them, Phichit spoke in a low voice. 

“You said something to me in the museum. It was sort of that your family was only remembered thanks to you and that if you somehow lived forever, they would too.” Seung-gil knew he hadn’t said any of that but he was also aware Phichit wasn’t wrong to make the leap from what he had said to this information. “And you’re not completely wrong but… You don’t have to be the only one to remember them. I know I never got to meet them but, you can tell me about them. That way, they’ll live on with me too.”

Phichit felt stupid for saying it like that, but he wasn’t sure how else to phrase it.

“You want to know about them?”

“I really do… Tell me about your parents?”

“My mom’s name was Eun-Yeong and my dad’s was Jin-ho. I don’t believe in something as stupid as soulmates but if they existed my parents would be soulmates.” Seung-gil felt sappy and dumb but he continued anyway. “My mom was always very serious but she had a really nice smile. My dad could always make her smile and laugh. That’s apparently how they first met. Mom got in a bar fight and when the cops came my dad came out of nowhere and smooth talked them into not arresting her. When they left she asked why he helped her and he responded with… well, it doesn’t translate very well, but basically, he said that he wanted to save the police the trouble of trying to put an angel in jail. It was such a bad pick up line that she started laughing and actually let him buy her a drink.” 

“That’s adorable.”

“They were… even after years of being married I think they were still really in love.” Seung-gil felt a few tears leaking out of his eyes, feeling very little as it happened. “My mom really didn’t laugh or smile much but Dad could always make her smile.”

“That sounds really sweet.”

“They were really sweet. I wish–” Seung-gil sighed and shook his head, pulling slightly away from Phichit so he could wipe his eyes. Then, against his better judgment, Seung-gil turned over so he could look at Phichit. “Thank you.”

“For what?” 

“For listening.” 

Phichit opened his mouth, wanting to say something. Wanting to say something. He thought about leaning over and kissing Seung-gil. He thought about asking what they were, if they were anything. He considered a lot of things but he didn’t speak fast enough because there was a knock on the door and anything he might have said was gone. 

“Hello?” Phichit called after a few moments. 

“It’s Isabella.” A voice called through the door. “I need to talk to Seung-gil.” 

Seung-gil sighed again and Phichit sat up, letting Seung-gil get out of bed. Phichit reached for a shirt just in case Isabella could see him when Seung-gil opened the door. He felt weirdly worried about Isabella misinterpreting their relationship. More than that, he was afraid that if she did and she made a comment, he was worried that Seung-gil would confirm Phichit’s fears that this was nothing. 

“What do you want?” Seung-gil asked when the door opened.

“JJ isn’t doing great right now and I was wondering if you could talk to him.”

“What exactly do you expect me to do?”

“Well, he used to be in the same… profession as you and I thought maybe you could help him.” 

Seung-gil rolled his eyes and sighed, but guessed it would be easier to just go along with Isabella for a few minutes. Then she’d realize he couldn’t help himself let alone anyone else and then stop bothering him. 

“Phichit, you can get some sleep. I’ll be back soon.” 

“Okay,” Phichit called, trying to decide if he should go back to the top bunk or not. “Hope JJ feels better.”

“Thanks,” Isabella said as the door slid shut. “He’s in our room. Thanks for helping.”

“I doubt I’ll help much.” 

“Oh, well, thanks for trying.” 

The door to their room opened and Seung-gil looked around the room, trying and failing to find JJ. Alarms were blaring in his mind as he whipped around to shout at Isabella and found himself face to face with a gun. 

“If you make a sound, I will shoot you and anyone who comes to see what’s wrong. I’d rather not kill everyone on this ship but I will if I have to.”

Seung-gil didn’t even have it in him to be afraid, feeling instead like this might as well be happening to him. 

“Well, what do you want?”

\---

When Yuuri arrived in the cargo bay long after everyone else had gone to sleep, he was surprised to see JJ was alone.

“JJ, what can you tell me about attunement,” Yuuri asked. He’d been thinking about what he wanted to ask and he decided JJ had to know something about attunement. It had sounded like he was talking about attunement earlier. 

“Huh?” JJ looked genuinely confused, which surprised Yuuri. “Attunement?”

“Yeah, don’t you know what that is?” Yuuri blinked at JJ. “It sounded like you were talking about that earlier.”

“I don’t know what attunement is but I do want to apologize for this.”

“For what?”

“For this,” Isabella said from behind Yuuri, the cold touch of a gun against the back of his head. 

“Wha–?”

“We’re taking over this ship,” Isabella said. “And we’re taking it as far east as it can go. You can either get on board the shuttle with the rest of them or stay with us.”

“The rest of who?” 

“We’ve already got the crew tied up in there as well as Seung-gil and Otabek. Phichit’s locked in his room, we’re going to let him stay, and we still have to go get Leo and Guang Gong. We like you so we’re giving you a choice. Stay with us or get on the shuttle.”

“I’ll…” Yuuri felt powerless and he hated it. But a gun was different than a knife and it was two against one. Also, he was pretty sure JJ had a gun too, even though he hadn’t drawn it. This wasn’t fucking fair and he was done with the universe screwing with him. “I don’t give a fuck. Either way you’ve screwed me over.” 

“I really am sorry,” JJ said as he pulled a gun to point at Yuuri, allowing Isabella to put her gun away and tie Yuuri’s hands. “Why don’t you stay with us? You’ll be safer that way.”

But Yuuri didn’t have anything else to say to them. He waited silently as they got the last two—Leo and Guang Hong— and lead them both to the shuttle as Leo struggled.

“Please, no, we have to get to ORG-5! Please, you don’t understand!”

“What we understand is that we can’t trust the son of a high ranking Saffronian.” Isabella told him. “All you Saffronians are the same, anyway.” 

“Leo, calm down, we’ll figure it out,” Guang Hong told him. “We’re far enough away–”

“Please, JJ! Isabella, listen to me!” Leo shouted over Guang Hong. “You hate Saffronians, fine, but you need to help Guang Hong. He’s an android, a living doll, and I’m trying to get him away from Saffron. Help him. I understand if you send me away but please, get him somewhere safe!”

“Leo–!” There was confused panic in Guang Hong's voice but Leo ignored him.

“If he's taken by them– Gods, please! If they find me, okay, I'll get in trouble but I'll be fine. If they catch him at best his memory will be wiped.” There were tears spilling out of Leo's eyes now. “At worst, and what will probably happen, he'll be destroyed! Please, take him somewhere safe! Anywhere safe.”

“Leo, what the hell!” Guang Hong shouted, looking angry. “You promised!” 

“Guang Hong, this is different.” Leo's head fell, tears dropping onto the floor. “This is different.”

“Izzy…” JJ said quietly and Isabella sighed.

“Fine, okay, we’ll take Guang Hong with us. But I don’t like having three people on board.”

“What can they do?” JJ asked. “A reporter, a living doll, and whatever Yuuri is? I think we can take care of them.” 

And with that, JJ pushed Leo onto the ship and typed in coordinates for the shuttle to head towards all while the crew of The Potya snarled and shouted at him. Well, it was mostly Yuri and Mila who were shouting, the rest of them were resigned to glare at JJ while they tried to get out of their bonds. 

“Don’t worry,” JJ said to them. “I know at least one of you can get out of those knots. At least eventually. By then we’ll be far from you military pigs.”

“Military pigs my ass, you know nothing about us!” Yuri shouted as JJ left the shuttle, turning to smile at them.

“And you don’t know anything about us. So shut your fucking mouth and learn that us little people won’t be kept down forever.” He stuck his chin out. “You don’t own me anymore.” 

With that, the shuttle doors closed and the shuttle was jettisoned into space along with the crew of the Potya and half its passengers. JJ turned and smiled at Yuuri and Guang Hong. 

“Why don’t we get Phichit so we can have a little chat?” He looked honestly pleasant. “We might be pirates, but don’t worry. We have standards.”

Yuuri and Guang Hong exchanged a look—Guang Hong’s face seemed to be unsure whether to look afraid, angry, or betrayed—and then looked back at JJ.

It was three against two well-armed space pirates and Yuuri didn’t like their chances. But they’d gotten through worse and this wasn’t going to stop him from finding Viktor. 

Nothing in this entire universe was going to stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI the opening scene with them all sitting together at the table has been one of the most vivid scenes in my mind since pretty early in the writing process and I just wish I could have done it more justices. I can see the picture in my mind...... 
> 
> Anyway, yeah, JJ and Isabella are space pirates (sort of) but I think they'd have some pretty good reasons. 
> 
> Next week will be posted like usual, but I probably will take a break then because I'm having trouble with the next few chapters. And by having trouble, I mean that I've not been working on this fic much lately. That said, I'm almost finished writing the fic that's been stealing my time so I'll be able to focus on this one more.


	22. Reasonable Motives, Unreasonable Actions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step one: get them away from the control room.  
> Step two: separate the pirates.  
> Step three: take them down.  
> Step four: turn this damn ship around.
> 
> How hard could it be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's June 1st here so here you go :D
> 
> \---
> 
> EDIT: I'm sorry if you've already read this chapter but I meant to put a warning on it that there is some mild violence and also talk of needles. This is why I shouldn't post while tired...

Phichit glared at Isabella as Yuuri cleaned up from dinner. Guang Hong was locked in his room, having refused to leave his room as of the last time he was checked on. He hadn’t even eaten dinner. 

JJ and Isabella had set rules that sounded a bit like the ones Yuri had given them when they first boarded. Stay out of the engine room and away from the control room. They had also added that the three of them couldn't be in groups of two or more without JJ or Isabella with them. It was a smart move but they underestimated the level of Yuuri's anxiety. And his unexpected love for true crime thanks to his sister's influence.

He had plans for every possible situation he could find himself in and this was no different. Unfortunately, there was no way to really communicate his plan to the others so he had to rely on them figuring it out.

Phichit was not figuring it out.

“I'm going to the bathroom,” Yuuri announced, earning him a glare from Isabella, who was watching them right now. “What?”

“This is the third time in an hour.”

“What can I say, I'm writing a novel in there.” Yuuri gave her a cheeky grin and she rolled her eyes.

“You gotta let me read that,” Phichit said jokingly. “But seriously, come back quickly. I've gotta use the bathroom but you've been hogging it.”

“Sorry, it's my old man body.” Phichit laughed at that. “And I'd let you read my book but it's terrible. I've already thrown it straight in the trash.”

“Why would you do that? your writing is great.” 

Yuuri sighed inwardly, not sure how to get Phichit to investigate the bathroom and find the note he left in there. 

“Because, as long as these two are onboard I have nothing better to do than throw it all in the garbage.”

“Okay, that's enough from you,” Isabella said. “Phichit go to the bathroom, Yuuri you lost your permission to go to the bathroom for the next half hour.”

“You're going to deny an old man his bathroom?” Yuuri asked as he sat.

“Quit it with the old man shit, we're the same age.”

Phichit laughed and headed to the bathroom. “Maybe in years, Izzy, but Yuuri is an old man in spirit.”

“Don't call me that, asshole!” Isabella snarled but Phichit was already gone. “You're both annoying as hell, you know that?”

“We're only annoying to people who kidnap us.” 

“Oh shut up,” she said with an eye roll. “We're saving you all from those military assholes anyway. They wouldn't have helped you, they were probably taking you somewhere to lock you all up.”

“I get that you don't like the military but you're both idiots.”

“Excuse me?”

“Of the,” Yuuri did a quick count, “Eight people you kicked off board exactly one of them was military and he was part of the civilian policing force, which the military hates.”

“What are you talking about, this is a military ship.” Isabella's face was still solidly aggressive but Yuuri thought he saw something like confusion bleeding into her eyes. “And Seung-gil was obviously wearing a military jacket.”

“The crew of The Potya is all deserters and so is Seung-gil.”

“Deserters?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri smiled at the worried confusion slowly taking over Isabella's face. “Yuri did some research into the military's less savory activities and decided he had to leave. I don't know Seung-gil's story but he's definitely a deserter. Leo is just some kid trying to escape a shitty planet with the person who means the most to him in the universe. Otabek is the only one on this ship who's truly military but he only deals with civilian crimes. For example, right now he's chasing a man who killed his family and tried to fake his own death.”

“So you're just a ship of all the most virtuous people in the universe?”

“Not exactly,” Isabella and Yuuri turned to look at Phichit, who'd returned. “I mean, I'm on board and so are two space pirates.”

“And what's your story?” Isabella asked incredulously.

“Nope, that's my secret.” Phichit winked at her. “But you'll never guess the sick shit I've done. Now, I'm going to get some rest.”

“I'll wake you for the next meal,” Isabella told him, looking generally annoyed.

“Only if Yuuri's cooking. Oh,” Phichit looked at Yuuri.” You know, I'm starting to see the perks of writing poetry in the bathroom. I'm feeling pretty poetic myself, next time I'll have to bring a pencil.”

Yuuri laughed and so did Phichit.

“Well, hopefully, your poetry is better than mine.”

“I doubt it will be.” Phichit raised a hand in a sort of wave. “Well, goodnight friend and enemy.”

Isabella rolled her eyes, standing to follow Phichit with the intention of locking his door while he slept.

They were smart, but Yuuri felt pretty good about their situation. 

“Night,” Yuuri responded with a small smile that got bigger as the two of them left because he was feeling better after that conversation.

Phichit knew.

\---

Getting Guang Hong in on the plan turned out to be a trickier prospect, mostly because he rarely left his bedroom. But, if this plan was going to work, Yuuri really needed all three of them to work together. It would be possible to fight with just him and Phichit but he didn’t want to try that if he could help it. JJ and Isabella had guns after all. He thought about the possibility of testing his attunment but he had no clue where to start with that and he suspected that despite JJ’s insistence he didn’t know what that was, he was at least mildly attuned. It was too dangerous and he wasn’t ready to put stock in something so nebulous. 

“Guang Hong, you have to eat,” Yuuri called through the door, glancing at Phichit.

“He’s right, you’re going to starve yourself to death.”

Behind them, Isabella was tapping her foot impatiently. 

“If he doesn’t want to eat, he doesn’t want to eat,” she told them. “It’s not my job to force feed him.” 

“We never said it was.” Phichit turned and glared at Isabella. “He’s our friend, though.”

“If you want you can eat in your room,” Yuuri said without asking if that was actually okay. “But please eat something.”

At that, the door slid open and a tired looking Guang Hong appeared.

“Guang Hong, thank god. Please come eat something,” Yuuri said. Despite the fact that this was part of a plan to get Guang Hong in on the plan, he was genuinely worried about the young man. 

“I’ll eat in my room,” He responded, not looking directly at anyone. “If that’s okay with your majesty.” 

“Whatever,” Isabella said. “Bring him some food Yuuri.”

Yuuri rushed back to the kitchen, happy he was being left alone because this would actually be easier than he thought. He pulled the note out of his pocket that he needed to pass to Guang Hong and put it inside a plastic bag. He sucked all the air out and put it on a plate. Only then did he start to put food on it. He piled the plate high and just had to pray Isabella wouldn’t check the food or anything. 

When Yuuri returned, Isabella looked even more annoyed.

“What took you so long?”

“I don’t know.” Yuuri glared at her. “I didn’t think I was gone for very long.”

“Whatever.” That seemed to be Isabella’s favorite thing to say. “Who even thought androids needed to eat?”

“People who wanted me to be as realistic as possible,” Guang Hong responded. “And the same assholes who gave me emotions too.”

With that, his door slid closed and Yuuri just had to pray that everything would work out how they were planning. 

He just wasn’t sure he had much room left in his heart to hope. 

\---

When Guang Hong appeared at the dinner table a day later, Yuuri could only pray he’d actually eaten the dinner Yuuri gave him. The steel in his eyes made Yuuri think he had. The way his mouth was set in a determined frown made Yuuri think Guang Hong was ready and had arrived at the perfect time. 

Right now JJ was the one watching the kitchen, Isabella manning the control room. It was a good thing because JJ was the softer of the two and Yuuri thought he’d be more easily manipulated. 

“Guang Hong, I’m glad to see you!” Phichit said when Guang Hong sat down. “That said, I need to go to the bathroom.”

“Don’t wait on my behalf,” Guang Hong told him. “It’s not like anyone thinks about what I want, anyway.” 

“Hey, buddy, don’t worry. I’m sure you and Leo will find each other again.”

Phichit stood and looked at JJ, who nodded that he was allowed to go. 

“Maybe I don’t want to find him,” Guang Hong shot back. “Why would I care about someone who doesn’t give a fuck about me?” 

“Well, maybe I’ll head to my room if the kitchen is going to get all negative,” Phichit said as he left the room, calling back. “Careful, Guang Hong, you know what happens when you talk negatively about your master.” 

Guang Hong snorted, hunching his shoulders and falling silent, leaving the room in complete silence that Yuuri realized he had to fill immediately. 

“Guang Hong, I’m sure you don’t mean that about Leo. I know he was being selfish, but he doesn’t mean to hurt you.” Yuuri thought about Viktor calling him selfish during their first big fight. “Sometimes we do stupid things to the people we love. I think he deserves another chance.”

“What does it matter?” Guang Hong shouted, standing suddenly and throwing his hand out to gesture towards JJ. “Thanks to these assholes, I’ll never see him again!” 

“Guang Hong–”

“What was I thinking coming out here?” He shook his head and turned to head back towards his room, leaving Yuuri with a momentary panic that Guang Hong hadn’t read his note.

“Kid, wait a minute–” JJ started to say, standing to stop Guang Hong but he was caught in his tracks when Guang Hong swayed and collapsed to his knees, before fully collapsing. “What the hell?”

“Guang Hong!” Yuuri shouted, standing and running over to him, looking up at JJ. “He needs to go down to the med bay!” 

“What’s happening?” 

“How much do you know about androids?”

“Not much.” JJ looked like he was panicking. 

“He needs medical attention. He’s an early series living doll and they are prone to these sorts of attacks. He needs a medicine in the med bay. If you let me take him–”

“No way, I’ll take him and you’ll stay here.” JJ ran to the intercom, calling Isabella. “Izzy, get down to the kitchen. I need you to watch Yuuri.” Then JJ was running to scoop Guang Hong up. “What’s the medicine called?” 

“It should be in the antidote cabinet but it might not be,” Yuuri admitted. “It’s labeled as 1D1075.”

“Okay, Izzy will be down in a minute so don’t move.” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Yuuri told him, holding up his hands as he disappeared downstairs. A moment later, Isabella appeared. 

“What the hell is going on?” She shouted, accidentally echoing JJ. 

“Guang Hong collapsed and he needed medical treatment. JJ is dealing with that.”

“And where’s Phichit?”

“In his room. I think he’s sleeping right now.” 

“You are all more work than you’re worth.”

“Then throw us into space,” Yuuri challenged. “It’s not much worse than what you’re doing right now.”

“We are saving you,” Isabella said through gritted teeth. “The Military would gladly kill each and every one of you. We are saving you.”

“I get it,” Yuuri told her. “I know why you two are running. But involving us in it was a mistake.”

“How so?”

"Because none of us are afraid of you.”

As if on cue, the ship lurched to a stop. Yuuri and Isabella were both thrown to the floor and Isabella growled out an inhuman sound of annoyance. Plates went flying off the table along with cups, the purpose of the ship’s metal dining ware obvious. 

“Why is this entire ship a pain in my ass?”

“The engines must have overheated,” Yuuri told her, picking himself up slowly. “We’ve been having trouble with them for a while now. I can help you–”

“I don’t need your help,” she spit at him, standing and striding towards the stairs. “Stay here.”

“Will do!” Yuuri called after her, slowly moving around the room and picking up what had been thrown on the floor. 

He put the plates and cups in the sink and then did a quick cleaning of the floor. He put everything as in order as he could, a smile clinging to his lips as he mentally counted to sixty.

When that sixty was up, he turned and headed towards the control room, calm and only in a slight hurry. He was feeling calm, knowing his friends were dealing with their two problems. Now all he needed to do was deal with their last problem, the unwanted trajectory of The Potya.

\---

Before The Potya came to a sudden stop, Guang Hong was being laid down on the med bay examination table and he started to count. Yuuri’s note had said to count to sixty before doing anything. 

Guang Hong had been angry and depressed and confused when he realized Leo had done the one thing he’d promised not to do. Guang Hong didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to do this without Leo. Leo was the person who meant everything to him and he wasn’t ready to figure out how to be a person alone. Maybe one day he’d be able to but he was still learning to be a person at all and this felt so much like betrayal that Guang Hong didn’t know what to do.

So he’d locked himself in his room.

The note hidden in his dinner had been a surprise. It had made him laugh until he cried, hysterical disbelief taking over his mind in an instant. It had all come crashing down on him as Guang Hong realized that they were fucked and Yuuri’s plan was their only chance. And it was a thin chance. It was a nothing chance. It was the long shot of long shots but if it got Guang Hong close enough to Leo to punch him in his stupid, pretty, perfect, lying mouth, then Guang Hong was willing to try. 

When he hit sixty, He pushed himself off the table and at JJ, catching the man off guard and sending them both to the ground as JJ shouted. 

“What the fuck?”

Guang Hong didn’t bother responding, instead punching JJ in the jaw. His hand hurt when he did, but JJ seemed disoriented. Guang Hong stood up and searched around for something to tie JJ up with, only to be tackled to the ground.

JJ had him pinned to the ground, blood dripping from the corner of his angry mouth. 

“I was worried about you!”

“That’s your own stupid fault,” Guang Hong said, kicking his legs up and planting his feet squarely on JJ’s chest, using all his strength to push the taller man away from him. JJ was heavier than Guang Hong by a good amount, but Guang Hong had been built as more than just a pretty face.

Sure, he was called a living doll, but he was more than just a doll. He’d been built with security in mind and he’d been built strong. Not every living doll was built like him, but he was not just a companion and a butler. He was also a protector. Leo wasn’t here for him to protect but, surprisingly, Guang Hong found it was still easy for him to fight.

He was fighting for himself as much as he was for his friends still onboard. This was about him now and Guang Hong wasn’t going to let anything stand in his way of the future he wanted. He didn’t really know what that future was yet, but he knew it wasn’t on a ship hurtling in the complete opposite direction from where he’d originally been headed.

Guang Hong was on his feet, looking for something he could use as a weapon when JJ popped up too, a needle in hand. He came running for Guang Hong but like a sign from God, the ship shifted and they were both thrown to the ground, the needle falling from JJ’s grip and rolling towards Guang Hong. He grabbed it and was back on his feet faster than JJ could even figure out what just happened. 

When JJ struggled to his feet, Guang Hong was on him and he stabbed the needle into JJ’s leg, the other man shouting as Guang Hong pumped the contents of the needle into JJ. He didn’t want to kill JJ but he was finding he cared less about JJ’s wellbeing than he thought he would. It was a little scary. But he was done being seen as something to be protected. He was done being seen as weak. He was more than just a pretty face and this pretty face was going to find his best friends and punch him in the face.

JJ tried to stand but his leg wouldn’t listen to him and he collapsed, leaving Guang Hong breathing heavily over him, looking to see what needle JJ had grabbed. It was a simple anesthesia that wouldn’t have been enough to kill Guang Hong so he was pretty sure JJ would be fine. 

Guang Hong didn’t want to kill anyone. But he did want to get home.

\---

Step one: get them away from the control room.

Step two: separate the pirates. 

Step three: take them down.

Step four: turn this damn ship around.

That was the basic plan Yuuri had outlined. He’d be the one to go to the control room since he was the only now who really knew how to fly a ship. Guang Hong would deal with JJ because he was the one most likely to trust that Guang Hong was actually in a medical emergency. Phichit would deal with Isabella because Phichit could fight and because he really wanted to show her that no matter how reasonable their motives were, their actions were less so. 

Phichit was humming to himself as he opened the panel he’d watched Emil fix. He fiddled with it until he was sure it was at a low enough temperature that even a little extra heat in the engine room would trigger the emergency stop. 

Then he went to work fucking with the engine. 

He loosened some screws with a wrench he’d found near the door. Just as the room was getting noticeably warmer, the ship screeched to a halt and Phichit was thrown to the ground, the wrench flying from his hands. He’d been in the middle of loosening a steam valve as a defense against a straightforward attack. He stood, pain in his ankle worsening. His ankle was still not back to full strength and that fall had twisted it a little. That hadn’t been part of the plan but he’d just have to try and go with it. 

He started towards the wrench when the door flew open and Isabella appeared, pausing momentarily in shock as she saw Phichit. 

“Hiya,” he said with a smirk before lunging for the wrench. 

Isabella lunged too, knocking him away and into one of the walls. He had to take a few moments to catch his breath and in the time, Isabella had grabbed the wrench and was headed towards the still open panel on the floor. She didn’t actually know what it was but she was sure it was the reason for their sudden stop. 

Phichit barely had his breath back but he could see what was happening and so he crawled forward, trying to make as little sound as he could. There was a second wrench right near the pipe he’d been messing with and if he could just reach it–

The other wrench came down right in front of him and Phichit jumped back, looking at a furious Isabella. 

“What the fuck is wrong with all of you?”

“That’s what I was going to ask,” Phichit said with a smiled, launching himself at Isabella despite the pain in his ankle. 

She was knocked backward and Phichit wrapped his hand around the wrench in her hand, gravity yanking it out of her hand for him. In one swift movement, he knocked it into the loose bolt he’d be working on and steam poured out, putting a wall of burning hot danger between them. He lost his balance as he did, falling backward and luckily away from the steam. Even with that fall, he wasn’t fast enough and part of his right arm was caught by the searing heat. He let out a yell as it burned his skin, his body hitting the ground like a ton of bricks. 

An unexpected emergency stopper activated and the steam simmered down, much to Phichit’s displeasure. As the steam dispersed Isabella was revealed, sweating and breathing heavily, her gun pointed at Phichit. 

“What makes you think you have any chance against us?”

“You’re not even in the top ten scariest shit this ship has fought,” Phichit told her with a smirk even as tears were spilling from his eyes thanks to the pain in his arm. “And we came out alive every other time.”

“You don’t have numbers like usual. You’ve lost.”

“Fucker, we’ve fought more with less,” Phichit told her as the door opened and they both looked to see who it was. Phichit leaned backward, looking at the door upside down and smiled. “About time.”

“JJ is down. Yuuri is in the control room. Put that gun down.” Guang Hong didn’t look concerned at all as he pointed JJ’s gun at Isabella, his aim steady and his face steely. “I will shoot you if you don’t and then I’ll go back to the med bay and shoot JJ.”

There had been a half second when Guang Hong threatened to shoot Isabella where Phichit thought she would pull the trigger anyway, but the moment he brought JJ into the equation, all fight left her. Isabella’s anger and vibrato drained from her face and she let her gun fall to her side before letting it drop, hitting the ground with a loud clatter. 

“Fine. You win.” 

\---

Finding a place to leave Isabella and JJ was easy. Leaving them was harder, at least for Yuuri. He understood what they’d done. He knew why. He also felt like there was so much more for him to learn from them. 

But Phichit convinced Yuuri it was in their best interest to leave them. They didn’t want the two of them pulling the same stunt the three of them had. It would be hard to find The Potya’s shuttle and they wouldn’t have time to devote to them. 

It turned out to be even harder than they expected to find the shuttle. Just as Yuuri was starting to wonder how long they should keep looking before they gave up and what giving up would even mean, there was a hit on the radio.

“–uckers better be coming back to apologize.”

“Yuri!” Yuuri shouted into the radio, too excited to think about radio protocol. “Thank god!”

“Yuuri!” Relief flooded Yuri’s voice and he nearly broke down, the stress of trying to figure out what to do about his lost ship weighing on him. “I was starting to think I’d never see you again.”

“Same here.”

“Katsuki, what’s your status?”

“I’m good and so in Guang Hong. Phichit has some minor injuries but that’s it. The ship isn’t doing great since we basically had to destroy it when we were taking it back but for now, it’s patched together good enough to get us somewhere safe.”

“That’s great,” Yuri said quietly, sounding more and more on edge. “That’s… that’s great to hear. Just… I can’t wait to see you all.”

“Me neither,” Yuuri said, smiling despite himself and realizing that he really had found himself a strange family. 

\---

The first thing the crew of The Potya did when they attached with their ship and the doors opened was rush towards Yuuri. Mila was the first one to him, throwing her arms around his neck. She was quickly followed by Sara and Emil, who both embraced Yuuri. Mickey was next, standing hesitantly next to the mass of hugging before sighing and joining in, glad to be home and glad everyone was more or less okay. Yuri was the last there and he stood near the group, waiting for them to be done. Except none of them were going to let him play it cool and Emil reached over to pull him into the hug. He protested a little but in the end, he joined in, the entire crew piled around Yuuri in a loud mass of talking and laughing and crying.

Nearby, Otabek watched with a slight smile, unsure what to do but happy to be back on this ship he’d barely gotten used to but still was finding he loved. 

Seung-gil ignored the hug and rushed up to Phichit, standing just a little too close to the other man while he tried to find the words he was looking for.

“Phichit!” Was what he finally landed on, his voice too loud and too emotional and yet too quiet and too flat. 

“I’m okay,” Phichit told him with a smile reaching out and touching Seung-gil softly on the cheek.

Seung-gil touched Phichit’s bandaged arm lightly so as not to hurt him, looking worriedly at the injury but Phichit turned Seung-gil face back to his, the motion gentle. 

“I’m okay,” He repeated, his voice soft and saying so much that neither of them had the ability to say just yet. 

Apart from everyone else, Guang Hong was watching the reunions. He was happy to see everyone was safe and had only come down to make sure everything went smoothly. Now he turned to leave just as Leo was walking up to him.

“Guang Hong!” 

But there was no touching reunion for them as Guang Hong turned just enough to give Leo a withering look before striding out of the room and back upstairs, leaving Leo in shock and the rest of the room mostly ignorant of the awkward exchange, at least for now because at the moment everyone else was just happy to be back. Even Leo was happy to be back. 

“I missed you,” a lot of people said to a few other people and it honestly didn’t matter who said it to who.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, this week of work sucked blehhh >o< I'm probably not going to have time this weekend to finish the next chapter because I'm so damn tired so don't count on a new chapter next week. But, that would throw of my schedule so I might not, but we'll see...... sorry I can't promise a chapter or not, but it'll really depend on whether next week is as blehhhhhh at work :P
> 
> Well, that's enough complaining. Thank you so much for reading and also for leaving kudos and comments!


	23. Our Future Was Never So Clear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life is about knowing when to say goodbye and when to hold on tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry!!! This isn't edited. It is currently 7:30p on Sunday and I just finished writing this hell chapter. I do not have the time or energy to edit it, I apologize.

_”Yuuri.”_

_Yuuri turned to look at JJ, about to close the door to the room they had him locked in after leaving him food._

_“What?”_

_“You can’t go west.”_

_Yuuri sighed, stepping back into the room and letting the door slide shut behind him._

_“I already told you that I’m going no matter what.”_

_“And I’m telling you that you can’t go. If your husband is really out west then he’s probably already dead. If he’s not dead, then there’s still no saving him. You’re just going to get yourself killed.”_

_“Viktor is my whole life,” Yuuri told him. “Without him… I have to try and find him, even if that means putting myself in danger.”_

_“That’s crazy.”_

_“I know.”_

_JJ bit his lip, looking so much like he was going to cry. It was the look of someone remembering a terrible memory. It was the look Viktor had when he tried to remember the empty parts of his past._

_“Listen to me, please.” JJ looked down, the little fight in his body gone. “I get that you don’t care about yourself, but what about the people on this ship? You seem to care about them. Do you want them dead too?”_

_Yuuri didn’t respond because he didn’t have a response. He hated putting the crew of the Potya in danger and he mostly dealt with those thoughts by not thinking about them._

_“The things they did to us… A lot of it is still fuzzy in my memory and a lot of it comes back in dreams that are half memory and half… well, dreams.” JJ seemed to be having trouble coming up with words to explain what he wanted Yuuri to understand. “I think they wanted to make us into super-soldiers or something but whatever they used on us didn’t really work. It did something to us, but it was unpredictable._

_The group I was housed and taught with was their best. We had some sort of connection and I think that was part of it. We were supposed to be a group, a squad. B1 was the best of us, he was the leader. I was always just behind him, powerful but nothing like him. B3 was a sniper-type. A long range fighter. She was precise and creative. B4 did something with maps and tracking. He was a strategist and while he was quiet, he was smart. B5 was a medic and was trained mainly in medicine. He was also a pilot._

_We were the lucky ones. We had potential and we were well treated compared to the others. We were never told what happened to other groups, but everyone knew that a lot of subjects died or were horribly injured. We were children and they didn’t care that we were dying. We were no better than lab rats to them, maybe not even that alive to them. I remember B1 having a breakdown at the shooting range once. He kept shouting that he didn’t want to shoot anyone. The nurses took him away and he was gone for almost a week. When he came back he was so much quieter.”_

_JJ had tears running down his face now, but his voice never hitched or reflected his tears at all._

_“I’m sorry that happened to you, I really am.” Yuuri shook his head. “But I have to find Viktor.”_

_“Don’t you get it? They don’t care about any of you. They’ll kill you all. Or do worse! If you won’t think about yourself then can’t you at least think about the others.”_

_Yuuri turned then, biting his lip as he headed to the door, not wanting to think about JJ’s point._

_“Thanks to you, I might not need to. Who knows if we’ll ever find them.”_

_The door slid open and Yuuri stepped outside, refusing to look at JJ anymore. JJ didn’t care though, because he had one last thing to say._

_“The farther from you they are, the safer they’ll be.”_

_\---_

Tense wasn’t quite the word Phichit would use for the atmosphere surrounding Guang Hong and Leo whenever they were together. Instead, he might say uneasy. Maybe strained. But, regardless of the word he used the young relationship was not pleasant to be around.

When he found Leo asleep at the kitchen table, Phichit could only roll his eyes and wake the other man up. It had been two days since the shuttle and The Potya were reunited and Phichit suspected Leo wasn’t sleeping in his and Guang Hong’s room. He suspected Leo wasn’t sleeping much.

“Leo, dude, get up.” Leo started awake as Phichit shook his shoulder. “You shouldn’t sleep out here.”

“Wha...?” Leo blinked up at Phichit, seeming disoriented.

“Come stay in Seung-gil and my room,” Phichit said with a smile. “You can take my bunk.”

“Huh? What?”

“Seung-gil won’t mind if I ask to share his bed,” Phichit told Leo without mentioning that he and Seung-gil had been doing just that for a while now. “And you need somewhere to sleep that isn’t the kitchen table.”

“I’m not– It’s not–” Leo sputtered, trying to pretend he and Guang Hong weren’t fighting even though everyone knew about it.

“Leo, don’t argue with me. You need rest or you’ll never work this out with Guang Hong.”

“I doubt I’ll ever be able to do that,” Leo sighed and Phichit sighed in response, taking a seat next to Leo.

“Leo, Guang Hong will start talking to you again and then you can work it out.”

“What can we even work out?” Leo frowned, refusing to look at Phichit. “Why doesn’t he understand why I did what I did?”

“Oh, he understands,” Phichit informed Leo. “And that’s one of the reasons he’s angry with you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I might not know all the details, but it was pretty easy to put together that you and Guang Hong talked about not putting Guang Hong before yourself. Back on Saffron, you did that—you told everyone you’d be fine just sending Guang Hong—and Guang Hong seemed pretty upset about that. And Yuuri mentioned Guang Hong shouting at you that ‘you made a promise’ when you made your deal with JJ and Isabella. I’m pretty confident in my analysis.”

“Sometimes you’re scary,” Leo muttered. “Yeah, I told Guang Hong I wouldn’t do anything like what I did on Saffron again. But this was different!”

“Was it?”

“Sure it was!” Leo clenched his fists. “In that shuttle, we were sitting ducks. If the military had found us they would have brought us back to Saffron. Guang Hong would probably have been killed!”

“I’m hearing a lot of what ifs and probablys,” Phichit told him. “What you did was really selfish and that’s why Guang Hong is angry. You are the one thing he has in this world, his one tether to a home and you can’t see that. You might have given up your home to leave Saffron but Guang Hong never had a home, he just had you.”

Phichit stood up, looking at Leo for a long time. Leo still looked a little unconvinced but it was tinged with uncertainty, which Phichit thought was a good thing.

“You think he needs or wants protection from everything and that’s not how it is. You’re both strong. I think he might be stronger than you which might be the reason you want to protect him at every turn. But he’s not some little boy who needs protecting. He just wants a home and for now, that’s you, but you keep trying to tear home away from him.”

Phichit took a few steps towards the door then turned, thinking of one last thing to say.

“And Leo?” Leo turned slowly to look at Phichit. “Even if you don’t get his reason for not wanting you to give yourself up… well you still broke a promise and that’s pretty shitty on its own so at least apologize for that.” With a small wave, Phichit turned again to head out the door. “If you still need to stay in our room, just come knock on the door.”

Phichit then left Leo alone to think about what Phichit had told him. Phichit wasn’t sure if what he’d said was right, but he hoped it was at least close to correct. Either way, Leo sat silently and thought about how Phichit had given him a lot of answers to questions he hadn’t asked.

\---

Yuuri found himself staring at the medallion again, looking at the number on it. It was at 18 and Yuuri felt strangely unhappy. Something was dragging him backward, back towards his home planet. It was a feeling that told him that this wasn’t going to end well, that is was better not to know.

But, for the first time in a while, he was pretty sure this bad feeling was simply his anxiety.

And there was one thing he was sure of. When everything was said and done, he wanted to at least be able to say he tried. He wanted to at least be able to say that he did everything he could.

His mind was still focused on all the things he’d learned from JJ and Isabella. And all the things he hadn’t learned. Children with no names that sounded so similar to Viktor but who apparently weren’t Viktor. A brown-haired boy who had to be the child The Pavlova had rescued. A second rescued boy who JJ insisted had to be dead. The Military’s death grip on the entire universe that was threatening to strangle Yuuri and everyone else on the Potya.

Yuuri wanted to scream and shout and have a tantrum because not only did he feel lost, it also all felt so unfair. He just wanted a little bit of happiness and yet here he was, ages from his family and friends and somehow even farther from the love of his life.

His hands tightened around the medallion. He didn’t know what he was doing, didn’t know what he should be doing, and it was driving him crazy. At every turn, people had been telling him to give up and he didn’t His friends and family telling him to wait for the police to do their job. The crew of the Pavlova telling them not to go to the Western Edge. JJ telling him to run the other way.

With all these contradictions, what was he supposed to believe? What was he supposed to do? And, most of all, could he really allow the passengers on The Potya to go hurtling into danger without knowing a thing about the danger that truly lies in front of them?

\---

“Hey, Mila,” Sara said quietly as she stepped into Mila’s room. “Can we talk?”

“Huh?” Mila looked up from her book, her face worried. “Sure. What’s up?”

“I think we need to talk.” Sara let the door close behind her but she stayed standing. “About a lot.”

Mila waited silently, knowing there was nothing she could say to shift the course of this conversation without hurting Sara. And if there was anything she didn’t want more than having this conversation, it was hurting her girlfriend.

“First… I guess this is less something we need to talk about and more something I need to tell you. But the fact that you told me you love me when you didn’t… it’s just hard to… how can I trust what you say?” Sara didn’t want to say anything to hurt Mila but she thought she saw the other woman flinch away from Sara’s admittance of not trusting Mila. “Because the thing is, I do love you. I really love you and I want this to work, but so much happened since we started dating and I just don’t know how to feel.”

“What do you want me to tell you?” Mila asked quietly, honestly not sure what she could do for Sara. She knew she should never have told Sara she loved her when she hadn’t meant it, but that was in the past. She couldn’t change the fact that she did that. “I want you to trust me.”

“Why– Is this all because of Asya?”

Mila flinched hearing that name and tears pricked at her eyes. She always knew she’d need to tell Sara one day, but she still wasn’t sure she was ready. But maybe this wasn’t a matter of being ready. Maybe, it was a matter of deciding what she wanted in this relationship.

“Maybe not everything,” Mila answered. “But probably a lot of it.”

“Can you… I want to know. I can’t do anything for you, for us, unless you tell me.”

“I guess you should take a seat, then.” Mila patted next to her on the bed. “It’s not a long story but it’s not short either.”

“Okay…” Sara walked slowly to the bed, sitting next to Mila as she took a deep breath and seemed to center herself.

“I was born on Soyarsk to the daughter of a blue-collar worker and one of the soldiers who briefly fought the government for Soyarsk’s independence. My father was probably killed by the government but, honestly, we don’t know. Maybe he just left. Maybe he's fighting somewhere else for someone else’s independence. We don’t know and that why for most of my life it’s just been Mama and I. Once I was in middle school and high school, Soyarsk had become a bastion for loyalists. They didn’t like Mama because she was married to a rebel. They didn’t like me because I was the child of a rebel. I never really had friends growing up and I always just wanted to get Mama and me off-planet. I’d planned to use the money from this job to find a new home for Mama. But instead, I just abandoned her. Just like my father, I left her alone because I decided other people were more important than my family.”

“You went to tell her why you had to go,” Sara reminded her but Mila just laughed bitterly.

“Yeah, I told her that I’d decided I needed to save the fucking universe even if it meant isolating herself from the only family she had left.” Mila shook her head. “I was bullied a lot and I was pretty hot-headed so I got in a lot of fights. In high school, it got bad enough that I was told by my school that if I got into any more fights I would be expelled and would never graduate. I agreed that I wouldn’t fight anymore. Mama wanted me to finish high school and go to college, something neither of my parents had done. She wanted me to be something more than the child of two black-sheep. But we underestimated the lengths to which people would go to ruin our lives.

Some of the guys who I got in fights with a lot realized they couldn’t just pick on me until I fought back. They tried to threaten my mama but I was able to keep a level head and I didn’t fight back. I’d been so proud of myself. I felt like I’d won; like I’d beaten them at their own stupid game. I thought I was the stronger, smarter, better one. But they had money and power and, more than anything, they had a grudge against my family that had been passed down to them by their parents.”

Mila fell silent, taking a few breaths to center herself before she continued. The memories of from her last few months on Soyarsk were some of her worst and she didn’t want to talk about them. She wanted to forget they happened even if she could never really forget.

“Anastasiya Zhirkova was one of the most beautiful girls in my town. She was rich and beautiful and smart. Everyone loved her and despite everything, I was no different. I had a huge crush on her mostly because in middle school she’d once told some bullies off for me. I didn’t think she even knew who I was until we were paired together for a shop class we were both taking. We got close and at some point, we started dating. But we had to keep it a secret because there was no way anyone would be okay with some rebel’s kid dating Anastasiya Zhirkova. But we were still happy because we were high schoolers and it was a little exciting to be dating in secret. I always suspected Mama knew but I thought she was the only one. Apparently, she wasn’t because one day those guys came to me and said that if I didn’t agree to their demands that something would happen to Asya.

They knew we were dating and they wanted me to admit to fighting so that I’d get expelled. It was the ultimate plan to drive me out of the community and they were using Asya to get to me. They’d tried to use my Mama and for a long time that worked but when it didn’t, they found the only other thing, the only other person, I loved. I didn’t know if they’d simply tell people we were dating. I thought maybe they might hurt her worse than that. I knew I’d be disappointing Mama, but I did what they wanted. They used the person I loved against me and I ended up hurting Asya and Mama. Mama was disappointed in my breaking of a promise. I hurt Asya because after I was expelled I decided to apply to the Stellar Academy to make Mama feel better about my future. They accepted me and before I headed out, I Asya and I realized we couldn’t stay together. It was too far for us to stay together since we were only kids. We broke up and realized I’d hurt one person I loved and lost the other, all because I let some assholes use the people I loved against me.”

Mila was looking at her hands, unable to find all the words she wanted to say.

“I decided it was easier, that it was better, to not love anyone. It was better than if you did love someone, you just keep that a secret so nobody could ever use that information.”

“That’s why you didn’t want to let anyone know we were dating?” Sara asked.

“Yeah,” Mila sighed. She was tired but it also felt a little nice to tell this story to someone. She’d kept it locked away for too long and it was nice to say it aloud. “When I said I love you the first time, it wasn’t that I was lying. It was just… I hadn’t meant it. I’d said it because I was afraid and I was using that as a shield. After The Museum, I realized that I needed to be more honest. I needed to tell you the truth and that’s why I told you I loved you and let you know I’d not been genuine the first time I said it. I do love you, so so much, but it’s hard not to think about having to decide between Mama and Asya. It’s hard not to imagine being asked to choose between Mama and You or You and the Captain or You and the right thing to do.”

“I’m sorry,” Sara said, surprising Mila.

“You’re sorry?”

“Yeah.”

“For what?”

“For a lot…” Sara bit her lip. “I’m sorry that you had to live that life and I’m sorry you were never felt safe enough to tell anyone until now. I’m sorry that you have to choose between people you loved. I’m sorry for yelling at you and for not trusting you and I’m sorry… I’m sorry this isn’t easier.”

“I’m sorry too,” Mila said. Leaning her head on Sara’s shoulder. “For not being truthful and genuine. I’m sorry for keeping you in the dark and also for not trusting you to be strong enough to take care of yourself. You’re nothing like Asya in so many ways and I shouldn’t compare you two. You’re not some teenage girl who grew up without a care in the world or a single fear. I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry–”

Mila shook her head as much as she could while leaning against Sara.

“I looked at Guang Hong and Leo’s fight right now and I realized that I was doing the same thing as Leo. I’m not giving you the credit you deserve. I’m acting like I’m the only one who can protect the people I love but I ignored the fact that not only can you take care of yourself but, also, you have so many other people to protect you too.”

“I think maybe we can sort of start over,” Sara suggested.

“No, let’s not.” Mila smiled. “I wouldn’t trade the bullshit we’ve been through for the world because there are so many good memories in that bullshit.”

Sara smiled too. “I can agree with that.”

After that, they stayed sitting like that in silence for a long time, not trying to do anything but enjoy each other’s company.

\---

Leo was sitting by himself watching Yuri and Mila spar. They were both quiet, none of their usual banter marking the event. Mila seemed to be lost in her own mind and Yuri’s silence was a reflection of that. He knew right now, for whatever reason, Mila wanted quiet. Maybe it was too quiet her mind or maybe it was so she could think, but either way, the room was as silent as a cargo bay could realistically be when someone spoke up behind him.

“We’re nearly there.”

Leo turned, surprised to hear the voice.

“Guang Hong!”

“We’re nearly to ORG-5,” Guang Hong restated as he sat down next to Leo, not really looking at him. “We should talk.”

“I’m sorry,” Leo said quickly. “I broke my promise to you and that was shitty.”

“This isn’t about a broken promise. I’m not angry that you broke a promise.” Guang Hong shook his head. “I mean, I am, but that’s not the important thing.”

“I know I’ve been an idiot,” Leo told him. “And that I’m really bad at this. But I just… I’ve never had anything that meant much to me other than you and I don’t want to lose that.”

“You think I don’t understand that?” Guang Hong asked, a little heat in his voice. “You’re the only thing I’ve ever had! Without you, I wouldn’t exist. I would never have been created if you weren’t alive. It’s so hard to imagine a world without you. Without me you would still exist. Without you I wouldn’t have even been a thought.”

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m the only thing in your world.” Leo was shaking his head. “You’re worth so much more than that.”

“I know that too,” Guang Hong’s voice was low and a little shaky, but his face was set. “But it’s hard, okay? I have to learn what it’s like to be a person separate from you but I don’t want to do that alone.” He reached over and covered Leo’s hand with his. It was smaller and didn’t cover Leo’s hand fully, the color of their skin contrasting. It was all things that Leo was used to, but now they seemed so important. They seemed almost poetic. “That’s why I was angry. Why I am angry. Because you were being a selfish asshole and even if I know why you did it, I still hate it. I’m not weak but I know I can’t fight the universe. I’m not strong enough for that and neither are you but, maybe together we could stand a chance.”

Leo flipped his hand over to grab onto Guang Hongs, holding tightly onto the hand of his best friend.

“You’re right… I’ve been thinking a lot since I got back and… Well, I think I realized that I’d rather lose together than win separating. If losing means were taken by Saffron,” Leo swallowed, fear making his stomach a little uneasy. “Well, what’s the point in being so afraid of them separating us if we’re separated? Saffron has done enough to us, done enough to you, and we shouldn’t let them keep doing that. I need to stop letting Saffron control me because I love you and they can never change that.”

Guang Hong smiled, moving closer to Leo so he should lean their foreheads together.

“I love you too and those assholes will never keep us apart.” He laughed a little to himself. “Nothing has done that so far, so some rich assholes won’t either. That’s a promise”

“As long as I’m alive I’ll fight to stay by your side,” Leo said.

“I’ll do the same,” Guang Hong said with another laugh. “God, you should have seen us fighting JJ and Isabella. It was insane.”

“You know, Phichit and Yuuri haven’t really told me what happened. I’d love to hear it from you.”

“Well,” Guang Hong smiled, “I don’t know all the details because I was locked in my room…”

Below them, Mila and Yuri continued to spar, Mila mostly oblivious to Leo and Guang Hong while Yuri was listening to Guang Hong’s story. Even while he listened, Yuri’s mind was wandering between all the things that had happened.

Yuuri had told him about JJ and Isabella’s running from the military and how JJ was apparently had been part of whatever trials the crew of the Pavlova had talked about. The fear Yuuri had talked about made Yuri wonder if going to the Edge was really a good idea. Would they find Viktor? Would they be in danger? Would the passengers be in danger?

\---

“What’re you reading?” Phichit asked, surprising Seung-gil out of his private world.

His book fell from his hands and onto his face as he was startled into letting it go, grunting as it hit him hard in the nose. He tended to ignore everything when he read so he was easily scared which was why he really shouldn’t read with the book in such a precarious place as above his face.

A noise escaped Phichit as he tried not to laugh. When Seung-gil pulled the book off his face—his bright red face—Phichit was holding a hand over his mouth as he laughed as quietly as he could. He was failing, though, as he spoke again.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Phichit said before losing all his composure and giving in to his laughter.

Seung-gil grumbled something incoherent before looking at Phichit with pursed lips that were dangerously close to turning into a pout.

“What do you want?” He asked when Phichit’s laughter finally started to peter out.

“I was just wondering what you were reading.”

“Oh,” Seung-gil responded, showing Phichit the cover of the book.

“Star Trek? I feel like I’ve heard of that.”

“It’s an ancient show from back in the grounded period,” Seung-gil explained. “It was really popular back then so they wrote a bunch of books. They’re the easiest science fiction books to find these days. Most people don’t write science fiction anymore since, well, there’s not really a big market for it. But back then, they’d barely even been to Earth’s moon so people liked to imagine. The universe in Star Trek can be bad but, in the end, it’s mostly good. At least I think so. Some people who still read these books disagree, but I think it’s a pretty ideal universe. At least compared to our’s.” Seung-gil blinked, looking down at his lap after a moment of silence. “Sorry, you don’t want to hear about this.”

“Sure I do,” Phichit said as he sat down next to Seung-gil, smiling at him. “When did this start?”

“Well, the first show was from the late 1900’s GE. The first show is actually a great way to learn about early Earth history. Apparently, it was really ahead of its time socially, too, which seems crazy since it seems so old-fashioned.”

Phichit continued to smile as Seung-gil talked, getting just a little into what he was saying. He was passionate and Phichit could see a fire in his eyes that was usually absent. He wondered if he’d always been like that—mostly stoic and almost air-headed—or if he’d been more like he was as he talked about Star Trek—passionate and excited, a near smile on his lips.

For a moment Phichit considered leaning over to kiss Seung-gil, to see if he could feel that small smile. Instead, though, he decided to listen to Seung-gil talk, watching him with soft eyes that would have been obvious to anyone. Except Seung-gil wasn’t just anyone and so he didn’t notice, lost in the world of explanation about all the things he loved and hated about an obscure show from Earth.

\---

“Do you have it?” Yuri asked as Emil stepped into Yuri’s room, Guang Hong already there and sitting on the edge of Yuri’s neatly made bed. Emil was pretty convinced that Yuri was letting Otabek use his bed because he knew while Yuri didn’t sleep much, he also rarely made the bed.

“Here,” Emil said, handing Guang Hong the flashdrive with his program on it. “I don’t know for sure that it’ll work, but basically every time someone opens one of these files it duplicates it and sends it as an email to every person in the openers contacts. As long as enough people open if before the military can kill the virus, it should be too widely dispersed for them to stop it.”

“Thanks for doing this,” Yuri said, both to Guang Hong and Emil as he handed Guang Hong a second flash drive. “This has the breaking code in it.”

“What’s the timeframe for this?” Guang Hong asked.

“That’s what this is for,” Yuri turned to grab something off his desk to hand to Guang Hong.

It looked a bit like a walkie-talkie, but smaller and rougher. It looked like it had been partially taped together.

“What’s this?”

“A coded radio. I’ll send you the signal when it’s time to do this shit.” Yuri smirked. “We’ve got these assholes.”

Emil and Guang Hong smiled too, looking at each other and then back at Yuri. Emil realized they were all barely more than kids—Guang Hong was literally a kid—but maybe they had something they could do. Maybe they could change the world. Maybe they could change the universe.

\---

They had dinner that night on-planet, at a restaurant near where Leo and Guang Hong were planning to stay until they could get settled. The dinner was quiet as everyone realized this goodbye was going to sting more than any of them could have anticipated.

“Do you have a plan for where you’ll work?” Yuuri asked, finding himself worrying more than a little about the young couple. They were just so young to be all alone

“I’ve got a few possibilities lined up,” Leo told him. “Until we know how this planet feels about androids, we can’t chance Guang Hong spending too much time in the open.”

“I’m going to study in my free time,” Guang Hong explained. “I like studying.”

Silence fell over everyone again, nobody sure how to say the things they were feeling. This wasn’t any of their first experiences with goodbyes, but it still stung. But that was exactly the problem. Sadness didn’t do much to cut future sadness because the heart was more complicated than that.

No matter how many times they were hurt, it would still hurt.

 _\---  
_  
_When you’re four, things don’t always make a lot of sense. Especially the things that adults do. That’s why, when Mila’s papa didn’t return home one night she just didn’t understand._

_She was too young to really comprehend the concern of her mama, but she understood it in some way. She wanted her papa back just as much as her mama seemed to._

_But he never returned and for her whole childhood, she thought that it was unfair that she never found out what happened to him._

_But, as she grew the things that started to seem the most unfair was the fact that she’d never even gotten to say goodbye._

_\---_

_Mickey wanted to stop Emil’s crying but he didn’t know how to. Sara knew there was no reason to make him stop crying._

_Emil looked wrong in the too big suit that was Mickey’s since almost everything of Emil’s had been lost. His hair was cut shorter than it had been only a week ago, adults doing their best to make Emil look like the worst thing in his life had never happened to him._

_But they could take the bandages off his arms or off the majority of his chest where he’d been lucky to receive mostly first degree burns and only a few minor second-degree burns._

_As much as Mickey wanted to be able to make Emil stop crying, he was a little glad to see his young neighbor crying. He was a kid who was pretty prone to tears over everything and anything but the day he’d learned his parents were dead, he hadn’t cried. It had scared Mickey more than any tears could have. At least with tears, there was something to stop. He didn’t know what to do without tears. He was just a kid and he had no idea what he could do for his friend._

_But there was one thing he could do, even if it was only in his own thoughts. Mickey could make a promise to Emil, a promise to never make his say goodbye again._

_Mickey was only a child and so he was sure he could do that._

_\---_

_“Okay, you treat Mom well,” Otabek said to his little sister, Aidana. “Stay out of trouble and listen to what officers tell you.”_

_“Whatever,” she said, waving him away. “You act like your presence is the only thing that kept me out of trouble.” Otabek raised an eyebrow at her. “What? You’re not. I can take care of myself.”_

_He rolled his eyes, snorting and pulling his sister into a tight hug._

_“Can’t I worry about you at all?”_

_“No, it’s embarrassing.” Aidana bit her lip. “You had been keep in touch.”_

_“Of course I will.”_

_“And you better not become a shitty cop.”_

_“I won’t.”_

_“And–”_

_“Aidana,” Otabek pushed his sister away to smile at her. “Who’s the older sibling here?”_

_“Shut up,” She punched him in the shoulder, hard enough to sting but not enough to do any actual damage. “I’m not leaving the planet.”_

_“And I’m not the one who gets into a fight a week.”_

_“Whatever,” she said, biting her lip again because she refused to cry. It wasn’t like her brother would be gone forever. “I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

_\---_

_Looking at Ari’s sleeping form made Seung-gil want to stay. Watching his best friend and his bunkmate sleep reminded Seung-gil that this was all he had left anymore. How could he leave when Ari was the only person he had left in the entire universe._

_But his parents and sister were dead and he’d killed them. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t keep doing this. He should never have joined the Constellation Force in the first place._

_He loved Ari—he had never taken the time to figure out if those feelings were romantic or platonic because in the end, it hadn’t mattered—but they were both terrible people. They were both murders, their hands doomed to be stained red for the rest of eternity._

_Seung-gil could bare to become a monster._

_So, instead of staying or even waking Ari up to say goodbye, Seung-gil hiked his bag higher onto his shoulder and slipped out of his room, heading for a way off of this planet and a way away from what he’d done._

_\---_

_“I’m sorry Pui, I really am, but this isn’t working!” He didn’t know why she was shouting. He didn’t know why she was walked back and forth, packing a bag while he stood, shocked and confused. “We’d both be better off alone!”_

_“Tukta, please, can we talk about this?”_

_“It’s too late to talk! We should have talked before you convinced me to leave my home for some barren wasteland of a planet!”_

_Convinced? He’d thought it was their decision, one they reached together. Had she had to be convinced?_

_“Please, don’t leave. Just, tell me what I did wrong.”_

_Tukta stopped then, to look at Phichit. Her dark hair fell around her face, fluffy like it always was. She was perfect, that’s what everyone had always said, and Phichit would be lying if he said her looks hadn’t been the reason he’d first flirted with her. But she’d become so much more than that to him and now she was looking at him like she’d never seen him before now._

_“Oh… Pui…” She shook her head and turned to zip her bag up before turning to leave. “Goodbye, Phichit.”_

_\---_

_“That’s everything,” Hiroko said, looking around Yuuri’s apartment, realizing that soon she wouldn’t have a reason to still be here. Not that she thought her son would care if she stayed longer, but she knew she needed to move on and let him settle in. “It’s a nice little apartment.”_

_“It really is,” Yuuri said, looking out one of his two small windows to look at a surprisingly beautiful view of the city. “Thanks for helped me move.”_

_“Anything for my baby,” she said. “I just wish I didn’t have to leave so soon.”_

_“Dad and Mari will be lost without you,” Yuuri reminded her with a smile as she joined him at the window. “I will be too.”_

_“You’ll do fine.” She put an arm around him, not tall enough to reach his shoulders and so putting her arm around his middle instead. She leaned against him, wishing she could still be there for him every day like she had been for so long. “We’ll miss you more than you’ll miss us.”_

_“I doubt that.”_

_“You’ll find yourself a lovely partner and forget about all of us,” she insisted and he laughed. “I mean it! I want to hear about your next partner then moment you start dating!”_

_“Why, so you can get Mineko-sensei and Mari to threaten them?”_

_“Only a little!” Hiroko giggled then sighed. “We really will miss you, though.”_

_“I’ll miss you all too.”_

_  
\---_

“Well, this is it then,” Leo said, a hand around Guang Hong’s waist as they both looked at the crew and passengers of The Potya. “Thank you all so much for your help and hospitality.”

“Hey, don’t act like we’ll never see each other again!” Phichit said. “We’ll keep in touch as best as we can, okay?”

“Of course,” Guang Hong told them all. “I couldn’t imagine not talking to you all.”

Yuri was only half listening to everyone’s reluctant goodbyes, his mind wandering to the question of whether Guang Hong would be safe. He knew a lot about the military now and Yuri was worried someone would find out. But what was worse was that Leo could be in danger without really knowing everything.

Everyone on the Potya was in danger and some of them didn’t really know. Or if they knew they were in danger, they didn’t realize how much bigger the danger from the Potya was.

He needed to tell everyone. They deserved that much.

“Stay safe,” Yuri said, nodding at both of them. “I’d hate to find out you got hurt or anything.”

“We’ll do our best.”

There was a long silence as everyone tried to decide if it was time to actually say goodbye. Finally, Guang Hong took charge and opened his mouth to speak.

“Goodb–”

“See you later,” Yuri interrupted, looking like he was doing his best to look flippant. “This isn’t goodbye, so don’t say it.”

Guang Hong smiled, “Alright then, see you later.”

Around them, everyone smiled, feeling a little better because maybe for once, this wasn’t going to be a goodbye.

\---

“Thank you all for coming on such short notice,” Yuri said, looking at everyone with eyes that were trying hard to be even. Even so, there was worry bleeding into the edges. “I feel like you all need to know the truth of what’s happening on this ship. Where we’re going, what we’ve done…”

Yuri looked at Seung-gil, Phichit, and Otabek since they were the only three who didn’t know about The Potya.

“I’m sure you’ve guessed some of this, but I feel like we need to tell you. Especially in case any of you were considering staying on board for a while. You need to know where we’re going. You need to know where we came from.”

Yuri took a deep breath, wondering if he really should be doing this. Not only did he not want to put his crew in any more danger, but he didn’t really want to put his passengers in danger by telling them about the military. But all three of them had seen parts of the military that most people hadn’t. They’d all lived it at some point or another. They deserved to know just like the entire universe deserved to know.

“I and the rest of the crew deserted from the military not long after receiving our assignment. I made the decision to leave after learning about the unsavory things the military was involved in. Yuuri’s husband is likely somewhere near the western edge of the universe and possibly in military custody. We’re going there to save him.” Yuri paused, letting his words starting to sink into the minds of the three people who didn’t already know all this. “Now, before I give more details, are there any questions?”

There was only silence in the room as Seung-gil, Phichit, and Otabek tried to digest the information they’d just been given. Without giving them adequate time to think of even a single question, Yuri smiled.

“Okay, then let’s start.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah, I'm officially going to take a month off. I don't want to, but I don't want to have another weekend like this where I'm working all Sunday to finish a chapter. I also don't want to keep you all in limbo every week with an "I might not post next week." 
> 
> There's just a lot going on in my life and I currently have a lot of big decisions to make, which is putting me in a mood I like to call "I don't want to do anything please just let me sleep for 30 years instead." 
> 
> So, I'll be back on the third week of August and then we'll be heading towards the home stretch. There are only three or four chapters until the finale arc so... Well, here we go :D
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting and also thank you for putting up with my break!


	24. If You Keep Running No One Can See Your Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a lot of learn and a lot to digest and Seung-gil just didn't know if he could handle it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I am back from hiatus! More information will be given in the end notes but I wanted to thank you for sticking with me :D

The Potya was a bit quieter without Leo and Guang Hong. Nine people onboard was still a lot, but there was a feeling of apprehension that had settled over the ship once they realized how close The Edge really was.

Now that everyone onboard knew the full plan, they were all made aware of the stakes of this trip. This was no longer just some ill-advised attempt to run from the military, now it was an ill-advised run straight into the middle of some really deep military secrets. This was a run for The Edge to save Viktor but what they were saving him from could very well be the military itself.

The crew and Yuuri had all known for a long time but for Otabek, Seung-gil, and Phichit, this was more than expected. 

Otabek was unsurprised to hear what the military had been doing but that didn't make him feel any better about crossing them. If anything, it made him more afraid.

Phichit had always thought there was more to this ship than met the eye but he'd always assumed it was a simple case of theft or desertion. He wasn't surprised when Seung-gil told him the military was attacking civilians on rebel planets. He wasn't surprised to hear that the military had been doing shady things. He was surprised to learn just how deeply unethical those things had been. Children taken from their homes and experimented on? Adults held under the threat of violence? Maybe he wasn't surprised, more shocked that all the worst things he could imagine were true. Or maybe he was just angry about how unfair it all was.

Seung-gil had been the least surprised by the secrets they'd been told. He'd seen firsthand what the military would do. He'd been their pawn in some of that terrible stuff. Somewhere in his mind, he wondered if Mi-na was alive somewhere, being experimented on by the military. It wasn't like he'd ever seen their bodies. He honestly didn't know whether he wanted that or not. He was pretty sure it was selfish for him to want that to be true. 

He was honestly terrified of going to the edge. He didn't want to get anywhere near the military. He didn't want to chance anything and if there was even a tiny possibility that Mi-na was alive, then he needed to be alive too. If she was dead, that was all the more reason for him to stay alive. If he was the only Lee left, he had to keep them all alive in his memory.

He wanted to stay on The Potya. He liked it he crew. He liked Yuuri. He even liked Otabek now that he knew him better. This felt almost like home even if he couldn't shake the feeling of melancholy in the best of situations. He thought maybe with more time he could really learn to be okay. To not be so angry and sad and confused. 

But he didn't have time.

He needed to decide what he was doing but it was so completely impossible for him to make a choice. He wanted to ask someone to help him but he didn't want to let on he was thinking about leaving.

Sara would be sad to see him go. Mila and Yuri would maybe be disappointed. Mickey and Emil might even miss him. Yuuri would… well, it was Yuuri so he'd probably be unhappy but he would understand. Otabek might be unhappy too even though they weren't close.

And Phichit…

Well, Phichit was his exact problem. That man was an enigma and Seung-gil didn't know how to handle the way Phichit made him feel. He felt so mixed up and so strangely happy. Phichit felt more like home than Seung-gil wanted to admit and the idea of leaving him behind hurt in a way that was unexpected.

He honestly couldn't say how Phichit would react to him leaving. Part of him shouted that Phichit would be so upset but the conscious part of his mind said that nobody would be upset to see him go. Just a little sad. Maybe disappointed. 

It would be easier for him to make this choice if he had any clue what he and Phichit were. There was the fact that they never slept apart anymore. There was the hazy memory of Seung-gil kissing Phichit but which he wasn’t even sure was real since Phichit had never brought it up. There were the soft words and the way they both let their guards down around each other. The way he'd touched Seung-gil softly after rescuing their shuttle. The way he looked at Seung-gil as he said he was okay. 

Seung-gil had no clue what they were or what he meant to Phichit. Was he just a warm body or something more? Seung-gil knew his feelings were getting too big for him to handle but that didn't mean the same could be said for Phichit.

“Seung-gil?” 

Lately, Seung-gil had found his mind wandering even when people were talking to him and he knew people were noticing. He knew Phichit noticed. Today, though, it was Otabek who was looking at him with a slightly concerned tilt to his eyebrows.

“Did you say something?”

“Yuri and Mila want me to convince you to spar with them.” Otabek shifted nervously. “I don't know why they thought I'd be able to convince you but this was easier than turning them down.”

“Oh.” Seung-gil waited for Otabek to continue but when he said nothing Seung-gil realized he'd already asked his question. “I don't really like fighting.”

“Me neither,” Otabek admitted, sitting across from Seung-gil. “But I need to keep myself sharp.”

“You're on a mission. I'm just… existing.” Seung-gil wished he had the words or the ability to talk plainly to people. Maybe Otabek would be able to help him if he did. “Fighting isn't necessary.”

“Guess you're right.”

They were silent again for a few minutes before Seung-gil spoke.

“You should probably go back downstairs. They'll be missing you.”

“They'll live.” Otabek looked like he was trying to figure out what else to say. “I did some research on you.”

Seung-gil started out of his seat but Otabek didn't move.

“I'm not going to arrest you.”

“How do I know that?”

“I don't deal with deserters.” Otabek raised an eyebrow at Seung-gil. “I mean, look at this entire ship.”

“I guess you're right,” Seung-gil sighed and sat back down. “Why did you look me up?”

“I guess I wanted to know why you deserted.” Otabek looked embarrassedly at his lap. “And I get it now.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry about your family.”

“How did you figure it out?”

“It was pretty easy to put the pieces together. You went on a bombing raid in Sariesong’s capital then a few days after your family was reported missing and presumed dead. Then you disappeared.”

“I killed them.”

“You don't know that.”

“My squad did it so I did too.” Seung-gil shook his head. “Even if I didn't kill them, I killed plenty of other innocent people.”

“Yeah, I don't know what to tell you,” Otabek admitted. “It's hard. It's unfair.” He sighed. “I wasn’t trying to bring that up just to make you remember it.”

“Then why’d you bring it up.”

“I get it,” Otabek told him softly. “I left my mom and sister behind on my home planet and I’m afraid every day that something will happen to them. It’s not even like anything would change if I was there, but I hate how powerless I feel.”

“You have a sister?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s she like.”

“Always getting into trouble,” Otabek smiled. “Smart but not very good in school since she hates sitting still. She’s the one who protects all her friends from bullies because she will fight anyone. They can be twice her height and three times her weight and she’ll still fight them. And usually she would win. Not always, though, and I’d either have to step in or patch her up, depending on when I showed up. She’s a real force of nature. She can take care of herself and Mom but I still wish I was there to make sure everything was okay.”

“No matter how strong you are, The Military has a way of making it all meaningless.”

“Maybe… But look at this ship. They’ve done something I never would have expected anyone to be able to do. They ran and they’re doing good things too. They’re helping people.” 

“They’ve helped, like, three people,” Seung-gil pointed out, refusing to count himself in that total. Nobody could help him anymore, he didn’t deserve it. “That’ll hardly save the universe.”

“No, but aren't a few lives still better than none?” Otabek smiled slightly. “Sometimes I see people like them and it reminds me of why I joined the Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force. Or, I guess, why I wanted to join the military police until I realized what they really were.”

“Part of me always thought that the CF might be able to help people,” Seung-gil admitted quietly, looking at his hands so he didn't have to worry about Otabek's inevitable look of disbelief. “Sure, it was mostly to make money for my family and a lot because I enjoyed flying spaceships, but… there was part of me who really thought we'd be able to help.”

“There used to be a time when the military did help people.” Seung-gil looked up at Otabek and instead of contempt or disbelief in Seung-gil's naivety, he looked sad and a little wistful. “When there were floods they'd bring sandbags. When there was disease, they'd keep people from panicking so that doctors could work. When there was famine or drought, they'd be there to hand out food and water. It was a long time ago, but they were good once.”

“It's been so long since it was good,” Seung-gil reinforced. “Can we afford to hope that a few people can change what they've become?”

“Seung-gil,” Otabek looked at him seriously, “Something I learned is that you can always afford to hope.”

Seung-gil wasn't sure how to respond to that so he didn't try, both of them falling into a long silence. After almost two minutes of silence, Otabek stood and looked at Seung-gil with eyes that said no matter how clueless and young he had turned out to be most of the time, he was still a cop and he was still observant.

“And one other thing I learned is that sometimes, it's okay to stay for someone.”

Before Seung-gil could ask what he meant, Otabek turned and left, Seung-gil funding himself once again alone with his thoughts.

\---

Phichit woke with a start from a nightmare, shaking and unable to dispel the images from his mind. He’d been alone, the people he cared about leaving one by one. It had been a nightmare and yet… there was so much truth to it that he couldn’t shake. 

He was sweating a little bit, but nothing that would be too noticeable to the person he shared a bed with. A person who hadn’t stirred when Phichit shot out of bed. 

Turning to see if Seung-gil was just pretending not to have been awoken, Phichit found he was alone and his tired mind started to spiral. His blood ran cold and he found himself crying despite the logical part of him screaming to calm down. 

But he was too tired—physically and mentally—to keep it all in. Months—years, even—of panic and loneliness and sadness finding the small crack in his armor and all rushing out of the small weakness. He wanted to stop crying, to stop being sad, but it wouldn’t go away. It wasn’t that Guang Hong and Leo had meant that much to him—he was sad to see them go, but they really hadn’t known each other that long—it was just another in a long line of people leaving. 

One day everyone would leave him, and he wasn’t sure what to do with all the pain it brought him. He’d always expected that if someone was hurt again and again that they’d build up a resistance to the pain. He thought his heart would become calloused, if not scarred, but apparently, skin and feelings were not all that similar. 

Just as Phichit was starting to think this had to be another nightmare, the door slid open and Seung-gil was standing there, his face shadowed by the light coming from the hallway behind him. It’s brightness told Phichit it was late and time to wake up, but Seung-gil didn’t seem to agree and he stepped further into the room, letting the door close behind him and bathing the room back in the dim glow of red lighting. 

“You’re awake,” Seung-gil said, the statement almost sounding like a question but not quite making it all the way. 

“Mm-hmm,” Phichit answered, afraid of the shakiness of his own voice giving away the tears Seung-gil hadn’t noticed yet. He really didn't want to burden Seung-gil more than he already had with his weak emotional control.

“It's still early. We went to bed late. You should get some more sleep.” His sentences were clipped in a way that made Phichit flinch. Had he upset Seung-gil in some way? 

“Okay,” his voice was so quiet, so fragile, and his worry about Seung-gil noticing something was wrong hadn't been unwarranted because with only a word Seung-gil's face lost its stoicism and concern colored his features.

“Phichit?” Seung-gil took a few long steps towards the bed, though he didn't come all the way over. “What's wrong?”

“I’m–” Phichit was able to get only one word out before his breath hitched and his throat outed him with an obvious sob.

“Phichit!” Seung-gil closed the rest of the distance, his body near Phichit in all the ways Phichit wanted him to be and all the ways in which Phichit knew Seung-gil wasn't like this with other people. 

He hated the thought that Seung-gil might think he's even a little special. Every person who's thought that was gone. His grandma died. His fiance left. His parents refused to talk to him. He'd been thrown out of the profession he loved. He didn't want to lose Seung-gil and he didn't want to have these feelings in the pit of his stomach either. He wanted to stop imagining that Seung-gil was a sign from God that Phichit had been forgiven.

He was so afraid and he didn't know how to handle that. He remembered worrying Seung-gil was lost to the Museum. He thought about how it felt when he considered that he might never see Seung-gil again. It all hurt so, so much and he was so afraid to be hurt like that again.

And yet, as he cried, he leaned his face into Seung-gil's chest. He like Seung-gil's smell and he liked how warm he was. He liked the hesitant hand rubbing hesitant circles on his heaving back. He liked the sound of Seung-gil's even breathing contrasted with his own uneven breaths. He liked Seung-gil. 

“I’m sorry.” His voice was still too quiet, too vulnerable. “It was just a nightmare.”

“Don’t apologize,” Seung-gil commanded, unsure how to deal with how small Phichit felt. He was shaking like a leaf, his hitching breath sending violent shudders through his body that were the only thing to interrupt his shaking. 

Seung-gil didn’t know how to deal with this. He’d never known. He didn’t know what to do when his father had broken down upon learning that his brother had been killed in a rebel attack. He hadn’t known what to do when Mi-na woke up from another nightmare of them being killed by an unfortunately placed bomb, like a classmate of hers had been. He hadn’t known what to do when Ari had looked at him with dull eyes to tell Seung-gil that his first love had been killed in front of him by a mugger when they were seventeen and that was why he had nightmares at least twice a week. 

Seung-gil didn’t know how to help people. All he did was try and, usually, he failed. And now he felt so much like he was failing. 

“It’s just, everyone leaves.” Phichit continued, his voice still so small. “Why does everyone leave?”

“They’re not always leaving you,” Seung-gil said, feeling suddenly like he was drowning. “Sometimes people don’t want to go, but they have to.”

“Is that why my finacé left? Is that why my parents won’t talk to me? Because they have to?”

“I’m not saying that everyone leaves for good reasons,” Seung-gil said quietly, his voice feeling almost as small as Phichit’s sounded. “But some people do.”

“I don’t want anyone else to leave,” Phichit said, another sob shaking him as Seung-gil held on to him tighter. “Please, don’t leave me.”

Seung-gil felt his heartbreaking at those words, so small and desperate. But he didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to make Phichit feel better without making promises he wasn’t sure he could keep. He didn’t know what he could promise and what he should promise. He didn’t know who he was or where he was going and the thought of pulling Phichit into that mess of uncertainty seemed unfair.

Phichit made his mind a mess. Phichit made his heart a mess. Phichit made Seung-gil a mess and he didn’t know how to deal with that. He didn’t want Phichit to be forced to deal with the mess that Seung-gil was unsure of how to deal with himself.

Seung-gil was a mess and he didn’t know how to deal with that.

“I’m right here,” Seung-gil decided on, kissing the top of Phichit’s hair without thinking about how that might look. “I’m right here.” 

“I just don’t–” Phichit paused to pull in a shaky breath. His voice was so quiet, almost drowned out by the quiet hum of the ship around them. “I don’t want to be alone again.”

Seung-gil didn’t know what to say so he didn’t say anything. 

“I don’t want to be alone.”

\---

「The intake of breath before your head is dunked under water for far too long」  
「The sound a goodbye makes when you meant it to say ‘I love you’」  
「The way eyes look when they’re so deeply in love」  
「The feeling when the dark unknown starts to close in」  
「The life we were never meant to live that is somehow our destiny」  
「When all is said and done there isn't much that can explain these intersections, only a strange feeling   
「A strange feeling that maybe it was all meant to be」

Yuuri looked down at the paper in front of him, finding none of his usual solace in the attempt at poetry. He also hated the half poem he’d written down. Of it, only the first and last lines really felt right to him. 

With a sigh, he decided to go back to sleep. Despite the onboard early hour, he felt exhusted, probably because he hadn't actually gotten much sleep. Now, though, he was finally exhausted enough that sleep would easily claim him.

That was one great thing about being an unemployed nobody floating—or hurtling, in his case—through space. Time wasn’t real in space and on top of that, he had nowhere to be. 

Before he could drift off, though, Sara’s voice came crackling over the intercom that had apparently been damaged at some point—probably while they were fighting with JJ and Isabella—otherwise, where would that crackle have come from?

“We'll arrive in ORG-77 in about six hours. After a small stop in ORG-77 to find a few parts, we’ll be headed to the nearby ORG-96 to drop off some cargo and do some restocking.”

Sara’s voice disappeared without even a single light-hearted comment. It was different from when Yuuri first joined the ship but back then things had somehow been simpler. A military explorer ship had been chasing them and yet it had been simpler. 

He sat up and grabbed his pad of paper, scrawling a few words messily in the dim room before collapsing back into bed and trying to get some sleep.

「In another life, things were much simpler」  
「In another life, things were much easier」  
「In another life, things made sense」

\---

Phichit was asleep when Sara made her announcement. He didn’t stir, too tired from his crying to do much other than breathe just loud enough for Seung-gil to hear. His face wasn’t buried in Seung-gil chest anymore, but he did have a fistful of Seung-gil’s shirt clutched tightly enough for Seung-gil to assume the shirt would be permanently stretched in the center. 

He didn’t mind, though, he was just glad Phichit had been able to fall asleep. Now, watching Phichit sleep peacefully, Seung-gil let his mind wander over thoughts that frightened him. 

He’d always planned to take the Potya as far as ORG-77 but he wasn’t sure he could leave. In an attempt to be honest with himself, he let the truth of the matter bleed into his mind. 

He wasn’t sure he could leave Phichit.

But there was the problem of the Potya’s trajectory towards things Seung-gil would rather stay away from. He didn’t want to chance going back to the CF. He couldn’t chance it. As a deserter, he knew he would most likely be thrown in prison or maybe executed and yet there was a sliver of a chance that he’d be thrown back to the CF and he couldn’t do it. Not to mention the fact that dying at the hands of the Military wasn’t exactly what he had in mind when it came to his family’s memory.

Wasn’t this Ari all over again, though? Hadn’t Seung-gil not wanted to leave him either? Hadn’t he almost stayed for Ari? And he hadn’t even been sure about how he felt about Ari. Brotherly love or the romantic love? Seung-gil still had no clue which it had been, his mind too good at blocking out questions he didn’t want answered. 

Seung-gil main trait seemed to be hurting the people he loved. Or them being hurt because of him. But did they get hurt because he stayed or because he left? 

It would hurt Phichit if he left. It would hurt Seung-gil if he left. But wouldn’t a quick pain be better than a long-lasting injury? 

His mind paused in its thoughts, realizing there was a lingering question he had to answer before he could consider all those other things.

Did he love Phichit?

Before he could consider that simply complex idea, Phichit shifted and murmured in a language Seung-gil didn’t speak. Seung-gil put an arm around Phichit and he snuggled closer to Seung-gil’s chest, Seung-gil catching a few syllables of what Phichit was saying.

“ _...rak...tuun-hǔa…_ ”

Seung-gil kissed the top of Phichit’s head again and sighed because maybe that question had already been answered.

\---

They had arrived on the only inhabited planet in ORG-77 not all that long ago, but everyone had been slow to get ready. It was nearly 2 in the afternoon ship-time but everyone was just gathering to eat breakfast now. Half the passengers and crew still looked half asleep and Sara looked the worst since she hadn’t really gotten any sleep. 

Phichit was playing with his food, the empty seat next to him seeming to echo. Yuuri tried to cheer him up even though Yuuri was unsure what was wrong. Phichit did his best to smile and laugh, but it was hard. Half of his mind was pulled down by the fears from earlier that still hadn’t faded and the other half was pulled down by a feeling like he should never have dumped all those feelings on Seung-gil so suddenly.

Seung-gil…

Phichit sighed as his mind passed over Seung-gil again. He’d insisted Phichit go ahead to breakfast because he had something to do. Phichit thought that maybe Seung-gil was trying to find a way to avoid him after last night. Well, this morning. 

“Ah, morning Seung-gil,” Sara said, Phichit turning sharply to see a serious looking Seung-gil standing in the doorway to the dining room. “Come get something to eat.”

Phichit found himself smiling despite the seriousness of Seung-gil face, just happy he came to breakfast at all. That smile quickly faded, though, because Seung-gil wasn’t his usual serious self. It was a different kind of serious. One Phichit had seen before and had come to fear.

“Seung-gil?” Yuuri asked and Seung-gil looked down at his feet. “Is something wrong.”

With a long sigh Seung-gil looked up at the group, talking a half step into the dining room before he opened his mouth, his words somehow expected and unexpected to Phichit at the same time. 

“I’m staying here,” Seung-gil told Phichit more than anyone else in the room. “It’s… well, it’s where I need to be.”

“You’re… leaving?” Phichit was looking at Seung-gil like he’d just announced he’d been an alien the whole time. “Why?”

“I know where you’re all going,” He looked passed Phichit, his eyes finding Yuuri. “I know what you’re all doing and it’s too much for me. I want to help, I really do, but I can’t. The places you’re going are so close to the people I’m running from and– and– and I can’t go back. I’m sorry.” 

“I understand,” Yuuri told him with a nod, his answer slightly overlapped by Phichit’s loud response. 

“You’re a coward!” The venom in Phichit’s voice surprised everyone, even Phichit. He’d been trying so hard to reign in the emotions he was feeling but instead, he’d let them bubble to the surface in front of everyone. He was acting like a child. Like a scared child afraid of being left behind because that’s what he was. He hadn’t wanted them to all see what he really was inside, but it was too late now. “Don’t just run away!” 

“Phichit…” Yuuri reached out to touch Phichit but he stood, putting himself just out of reach.

“Don’t look at me like that!” He hated this feeling more than anything in the world. He hated feeling abandoned and he hated that it scared him so much and he hated that everyone could see it.

“Like what?” Yuuri had never seen Phichit like this but he wasn’t as surprised by Phichit’s words as he was by the anger he was directing towards Seung-gil. The words themselves made a lot of sense when he thought about it. 

“Like a kicked dog.” Phichit shook his head, storming out of the room and past Seung-gil but not before shooting one last statement at the target of his anger. “Do what you want, it’s not like I care.”

There was silence in the kitchen for just a little too long and Sara was the one to finally break the silence. 

“You probably should have told him earlier.”

Seung-gil glared at her, knowing she was right but still spitting his question at her. 

“Why?”

“Because it’s one thing to tell us now, but Phichit is…” Sara looked around the room, hoping to find support but coming up empty. “Well, aren’t you two dating?”

“What?” Seung-gil’s anger was replaced by confusion. “Dating?”

“Umm…” Sara bit her lip. “You’re not?”

“No.” Seung-gil shook his head, not able to be angry anymore. Instead, all he could think about was how silly it was to think that Phichit would ever date him. “Why would Phichit want to date me?” 

The group shifted uncomfortably, falling back into silence until Yuuri spoke up. 

“You should go talk to him before you leave.” Yuuri didn’t know if it was his place to say anything but it seemed important. “You’re important to him and so far, he’s lost everything important to him. You can understand that, can’t you?”

Seung-gil thought about the night after they escaped The Museum. He remembered the night they talked before Seung-gil was thrown on the shuttle. He thought about Phichit’s soft words after they rescued their shuttle. 

He thought about how that morning Phichit nearly begged Seung-gil to never do exactly what he was doing now and he'd nearly promised he wouldn't. But hadn’t he just been begging for Seung-gil to stay because Seung-gil was the only person in the room to beg? He’d never asked Seung-gil to stay because he was Seung-gil. He’d just asked Seung-gil to stay because he was someone, hadn’t he?

At least, that’s what he’d convinced himself of while he was alone in their room. 

“Okay.” He turned to leave, hoping Phichit was still on the ship. “And… umm… thanks.” 

\---

Seung-gil found Phichit in their room, standing still in front of an empty bag like he wanted to pack it and run, but then realized that that was exactly what he’d gotten angry at Seung-gil for doing. 

Seung-gil’s bag was already packed and sitting on his bed.

“I'm sorry for not telling you before.” Seung-gil felt like an idiot. 

“You didn't do anything wrong,” Phichit's voice was small as he shook his head, refusing to meet Seung-gil's eyes. “I shouldn't have said what I said in there.”

“You weren't wrong. I'm a coward and I don't mind.”

“You're not a coward, you're smart.” 

Phichit knew if he was smart, he'd have left a while ago. What was he even still doing here? He was just a nuisance who would get in everyone’s way.

“There's a reason I didn't talk to you,”

“I shouldn't have assumed you'd talk to me,”

They both started talking at once, their voices overlapping like two people trying to get everything out before it was too late. And, maybe, that was exactly what they were doing.

“It's stupid and it's really why I should have talked to you,”

“I'm just too clingy,”

Seung-gil knew Phichit wasn't listening to him, but he needed to say his piece. Phichit didn't care if Seung-gil was listening, he just had things to say.

“And I know you don't want to hear it now but I need you to know my reasons.”

“And it's not like I thought I could keep you here.”

That both fell silent and when Seung-gil realized he had the chance to speak while Phichit was listening, he took it.

The words were burning in the pit of his stomach and he knew that it would hurt to let them out but that in the long run, he'd feel better just saying them. And, of course, there was the hope deep in his heart that the burning would allow something new to grow.

Maybe it was selfish of him, but he liked to think that if the words were out in the open, things would be better.

“Phichit, the reason I waited was that I wasn't sure if I'd leave until we got here. But I should have told you before and at the very least, you deserve to know why it’s been so hard to decide.” 

Seung-gil paused, wondering if maybe living with this burning would be better. Was it selfish to hope that by voicing these thoughts, he might be able to keep Phichit close with him here on ORG-77?

He was sure it was selfish and yet…

“Phichit, I–”

“You don't owe me anything,” Phichit told him, then turned and left the room, brushing past Seung-gil and leaving him to try in vain to stop himself from crying by squeezing his eyes shut. 

“–love you,” he finished, the words feeling like ash on his tongue, their silent bedroom the only response he would get.

Tears spilled out of his closed eyes and Seung-gil wondered why he couldn't stop hurting people he loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm back! Yay! Okay, but really, thank you for sticking with me through my many hiatuses in the second half of this fic. 
> 
> Now, I'm back, but here's the thing: for now, I'm cutting my updates back to every other week. I had hoped to have been finished with the writing of this fic by now but I've pretty much had OEWFoS specific writer's block since May. Literally, I would sit down to write and even though I knew the plot, I couldn't find the words. This week has been the first time since pretty much May that I've been able to write a scene in one sitting. So, that's to say, that the next chapter still isn't finished and I doubt I'll finish it by next week. I will finish it in two weeks though, even if it takes me an entire weekend to sit and write it. 
> 
> Hopefully, this will be the last hiatus I have to have! I will work really hard to finish this at the latest by the end of the year. So thank you thank you thank you for sticking with me and I hope you'll enjoy the final stretch of this story.


	25. Reason Enough to Fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a time when he thought rain was poignant, but now it was just water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little early but I have a lot to do tomorrow and I don't want to forget to post.

Funia wasn't actually a full planet of its own. Much in the same way that ORG-96 very slowly orbited around ORG-77, Funia was simply the moon of a larger planet. 

The planet it orbited didn't have a fancy name because people didn't live there. People worked in the atmosphere to control drones on the surface that did mining work, but most of those people lived on Funia. Some of them lived on a space station orbiting closer to the planet than Funia did, but not many. 

That was why Funia was dotted with mining towns where no actual mining took place. That meant, of course, that there were plenty of well-trafficked bars to choose from. The one they come to, though, was on the smaller side. That said, it obviously made good money if they were importing large amounts of booze from off planet.

The day they arrived on the planet it was raining and Sara informed them that it would likely stay that way. It rained almost every day during the year—which they measured based on the main planet’s year since people weren't able to wrap their minds around a year that was short and not consistent in its climate—with the only change being some snow during winter. 

“Wipe your shoes!” The bartender shouted as Yuri stepped inside, pulling the hood of his military-issue rain-poncho off as he looked around the bar. 

It was a small place and it was pretty empty, but it was the middle of the day so it made sense. The bartender looked to be around Yuuri’s age and had a head of curly blond hair, whose roots were brown. His eyes were large and green, his eyelashes long enough to make Yuri wonder if he was wearing mascara. 

“I’m Captain Yuri,” Yuri told him. “I’m here with a shipment.”

“Oh, Captain!” The man seemed surprised by why Yuri was here, his military attire apparently not tipping him off. He acted like military people walked into his bar all the time just because but Yuri doubted this was a common stop for the Military. Honestly, he hoped it wasn't. “Glad you made it in one piece.”

“Thought I wouldn't?” Yuri asked, still standing in the entrance. 

“It's a big, wide universe,” the man said cheerily. “I'm Christophe, but you can just call me Chris.”

“Alright then, Chris, where do you want the shipment?”

“I'll open a door around back,” he started towards the employee only door near the bar. He paused to say something in another language to one of the few patrons in the bar, who gave Chris a thumbs up. “Okay, meet me out back.”

\---

 

“That's the last one,” Yuri said as Mila stepped inside with a box straining in her arms. “Can I get the code?”

“Oh, yeah, of course!” Chris said. “It's 1107. He always uses his daughter's birthday.”

Yuri had the small lockbox in his hands and when he opened it, Chris frowned.

“That’s all?”

“We got half upfront.”

“Yeah, I mean… that’s not nearly enough.” He shook his head. “If that man doesn’t stop underpaying shippers I’m going to have to find a new source.

“It’s money,” Yuri shrugged. “We’ll take what we can get.”

“I feel bad, though. Luca was always telling me not to buy from him but I ignored him.” Chris sighed. “Let me do something for you.”

“No need,” Yuri said as Mila appeared behind him. 

“Really, please.” Chris thought for a moment. “You know what? While you’re on-planet, food and drinks are on me.”

“That’s alright,” Yuri said. “We have to move on anyway–”

“Captain,” Mila interrupted. “We should take him up on his offer.”

“And why’s that?” Yuri asked, turning to look at Mila, annoyed by her interruption. 

“Everyone is still kind of on edge from… well, from a lot of things and I think a little break would be good for everyone.” She frowned. “And I think we need some more time to regroup.” 

Yuri looked like he was going to argue but then he sighed, waving his hand at nothing in particular.

“Okay, fine, we’ll stay for a few days.”

“Great!” Chris said with a smile. “Make yourselves at home.” 

\---

“A poet, wow,” Chris said once he was able to convince Yuuri to tell Chris about himself. “Working on anything right now?” 

“I guess, but it’s all pretty unfinished.” 

“What about something already written then?”

“That one you told me was pretty good,” Phichit offered. “A while back. Something like ‘stars in your eyes and a galaxy in your hair’ or something.” 

“Oh, I think you mean ‘Stars in Your Eyes.’”

“Oo, I like that name,” Chris told him. “Can I hear it?”

Yuuri nodded, taking a moment to pull the right poem from his mind. 

_“You sat in bed,  
Stars in your eyes and a galaxy in your head.  
I thought I knew you then,  
But your heart was full of darkness.  
Our future was full of questions,  
And I didn't even know.”_

Yuuri paused, feeling so hopeless and terrible. He was so close to Viktor and yet it seemed so terribly far away.

_“I sit in bed,  
Stars gone and the Galaxy dark.  
I thought I knew you then,  
But I was wrong.  
Yet my heart is full of Hope,  
And maybe somehow,  
Maybe someday,  
Our eyes will be full of stars again.”_

“That was great,” Chris said with a smile. “That’s about a real person, right?”

“How could you tell?” Yuuri asked. 

“There was just a lot of love in it.” Chris looked a little sad for a moment. “Did you find them? The person it was about?”

“Not yet, but I will.” Yuuri’s voice wasn’t nearly as matter-of-fact as he meant it to be. “That’s why I’m out here.” 

“Where are you from?” 

“Urizaki,” Yuuri told him. “Out in ORG-26.”

“Wow, that’s far.” Chris leaned forward, his elbows on the bar. “What’s their name?”

“Viktor. He’s my husband.” 

“I’m sorry he’s gone, then,” Chris told Yuuri. “My fiancé has been off planet for a while now and it’s lonely without him.”

“Oh, you’re engaged?”

Chris smiled, looking sad in a way that Phichit recognized. Chris could talk about love and say things about how his finacé is simply off-planet, but Phichit knew that look. Chris’ finacé was, at best, lost like Viktor. At worst, he was long gone. 

“My finacé’s name is Luca. He’s the most attractive man in the universe and he’s also really, really sweet.” Chris smiled. “He’s technically the co-owner of this bar but his official job is scientific research. Right now, he’s in The Dark.”

“The Dark?” A shudder ran through Yuuri. “I couldn’t imagine going there.”

The Dark was part of the outer region but it was a portion of space with very few galaxies. Unlike the space past The Edge, The Dark was part of the known universe but it was just… nothing. Most of space was void, truth be told, but The Dark made regular space look packed. 

“Me neither, but Luca loved his work.” Chris shook his head, turning away from the bar. “He does research on better ways to navigate in difficult environments. Working in The Dark is basically a dream come true for a researcher like him.”

“How long has it been since he’s called?” Phichit asked sharply. 

“What?” Chris asked shakily, caught off guard by Phichit’s question.

“He hasn’t made contact in a while, has he?” Yuuri looked at Phichit with eyes that were pleading with him to be more delicate but Phichit wasn’t looking at Yuuri. “He’s disappeared.”

“Communication from The Dark is difficult,” Chris’ voice was low and he still refused to look at Phichit or Yuuri. “And who knows where he is? He could be out of range of a long distance communication.” 

“Why assume the best?” Phichit asked, his mind screaming for him to stop being so terrible. It was screaming at him to stop lashing out at this kind stranger. But his mouth kept moving, kept asking questions meant to hurt this person he didn’t know.

“Because I love him.” Chris’ response was sure and when he said it, he turned to look a Phichit with a set, serious eyes. “And he loves me.”

“Whatever,” Phichit said, finishing his drink and standing. “Trusting in love only leads to heartbreak.”

Phichit turned on his heel, half leaving because he didn’t want to think about love and half because he didn’t want to say anything else rude to Chris. 

“What was that?” Chris asked Yuuri, who sighed. 

“Sorry about him, he’s had a hard time lately. He’s not usually like this.” 

“It’s fine,” Chris said with a shrug. “I’m not sure he’s wrong, either. Maybe hope is the wrong choice.”

“Maybe,” Yuuri agreed, looking into his nearly empty beer. “But you have this bar. I have… nothing. All I have is Viktor and without him…”

“I get it,” Chris said, allowed Yuuri to not finish his statement. “I loved running this bar with Luca. I like it still, but it’s not the same. It’s lonely and it’s too quiet, even when the bar is crowded.” 

“Sometimes it feels like life is about learning to be lonely.”

“Yeah, I guess it kind of is.” Chris thought for a moment. “But I think it’s more about learning to live with loneliness. We’re all a little lonely, but you can make yourself less lonely with other people.”

Yuuri smiled, laughing before he finished his beer. 

“Maybe you’re right.” Yuuri found himself smiling a genuinely happy smile, which felt strangely foreign on his face. “Maybe life is loneliness but maybe it’s about fighting that loneliness.”

“That’s the kind of thing The Edge teaches you,” Chris said with a nod. “We’re so close to the edge of everything we know and either you let that nothingness swallow you whole or you learn to live with it.”

Yuuri wondered if he could live with the void that Viktor had left. He didn’t want to try, that was for sure, but he wondered what he’d do it he had to. 

“It’s not all that different from falling in love,” Chris continued when Yuuri didn’t say anything. “The Edge, I mean. You look at it and think that everything on the other side is such a great mystery but then you go over that line and you realize that things are, really, the same as they were, to begin with.”

“That’s a nice way to think about it,” Yuuri told him. “Maybe I’ll write a poem about that if you’ll let me steal it.”

“Go right ahead, as long as you promise to let me hear it first.”

“Deal,” Yuuri said, standing. “Well, this was fun, but I’m old and it’s past my bedtime.” Chris laughed at that. “I’ll see you later, Chris.”

“See you later, Yuuri.” Chris raised his hand in a sort of goodbye wave. “Sleep well.” 

\---

 

The knock on Mickey’s door came late at night and he didn’t know what to make of it. Usually, a knock at his door this late was Emil but he was asleep in Mickey’s bed, his long legs inexplicably curled up to his chest so he could more easily fit onto the bed that was too short for his long legs. 

Mickey wasn’t too worried about people knowing Emil was sleeping in his room, but there was still part of him that wanted to keep him hidden. While everyone on the ship seemed to know Emil and Mickey were sort of a couple now, they’d never talked about it to each other, let alone told anyone on the ship. They weren’t trying to hide it, per say, it just felt like an odd time to bring it up, even with each other. 

Mickey thought the most likely person at the door was Sara, who he was sure knew about his and Emil’s relationship. She was probably the first person to figure it out, given how well she knew them both. If he was being honest, Mickey guessed Sara had predicted their coupling before he or Emil had thought very hard about the possibility. 

But, Mickey’s expectations were shattered when he found a tired looking Phichit outside his door. 

 

“Phichit?” Mickey asked a bit too loudly, looking back quickly to make sure he hadn’t woken up Emil. But Emil didn’t move a muscle, his deep sleep shutting out the world around him. “Is something wrong? Is someone hurt?”

“No…” Phichit looked conflicted. He looked sad and angry. “I just– I wanted to– Do you think–”

“What’s wrong?”

“I was wondering if we could talk?” Phichit’s voice was small and quiet, his eyes glued to the empty floor between his and Mickey’s feet. 

“Me?” Mickey blinked at Phichit. “I don’t think I’m the best person to talk to. Maybe Sara or Yuuri would be better.”

“No… it’s…” Phichit finally dragged his eyes upwards, but he still wouldn’t look Mickey in the eyes. “You’re the only one who believes in God too.” 

“Oh,” Mickey blinked, not thinking that anyone would be coming to him to talk about God. “Well, I guess if it’s about that then I am the best person to talk to.” 

“Yeah…” Phichit scratched the back of his neck. “Sorry to come in the middle of the night but I couldn’t sleep and before I knew it, I was here knocking on your door.”

Mickey glanced back at Emil one more time before taking a step out of his room.

“Let’s go talk in the dining room.”

\---

Once they were settled, Mickey took a few moments to look at Phichit. They weren’t exactly close and they honestly hadn’t talked that much since Phichit joined the ship, but Mickey saw plenty of the other man. It was inevitable that after even a small amount of time on the same ship, other people’s faces became imprinted on the back of your eyelids. 

The ship was big for a ship of its type, but it was still too small to not see people at least a few times a day. 

That was all to say that Mickey had gotten used to how Phichit looked. Bright and smiley. Well rested. Skin that had no right to be as perfect as it was given that Mickey was damn near sure that he didn’t do much to take care of it. 

Now, though, Mickey could see a drastic change in how Phichit looked. He was pale and almost sickly looking. His eyes were sad and dull. His skin looked dry and rough. He seemed so, so tired. 

Mickey had a hard time believing this was all because of Seung-gil leaving. 

“What is it you wanted to talk about?” Mickey asked when Phichit seemed unable to start the conversation. “You wanted to talk about religion, right?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Phichit wouldn’t look at Mickey, his body language much smaller than usual. Phichit was outgoing and he had a big personality, but now Mickey felt like he was barely even here. “It’s just… you’ve believed in God for a while, right?” 

“My whole life, more or less.”

“Do you think God is… vindictive?”

“Not particularly.” Mickey looked at Phichit concernedly but Phichit wasn’t looking at him. “I believe in his love no matter what.”

“Even after everything that’s happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“A lot of bad stuff has happened to you and to the people you care about.” Phichit wasn’t wrong there. “After it all, how can you still believe in God?”

“Well, even in our worst times, God is there for all his children–”

“No, sorry, that’s not what I meant,” Phichit interrupted. “I meant, how can you still love God? How can you still believe God loves you?” 

“Oh,” Mickey thought for a while before answering, trying to find the right words. “I guess it’s just what I’ve been taught. That God loves us and He’s there for us through the bad and the good.” 

“That sounds nice.” Was Phichit’s small response. “Is it okay if I explain my religion?”

“Go ahead.”

“Thank you,” Phichit said before taking a deep breath. “The city I grew–the entire planet, actually–was originally settled by two distinct groups but they both got along and so now the planet is sort of a mix of the two. Part of that is that about half the population is Buddhist and the other half is Christian. My family is mostly Buddhist, but my mother is Christian so my siblings and I were taught both religions and expected to pick one of the other when we were teenagers. Neither is also an option, but it’s not very common. 

My oldest sister is Buddhist and my middle older sister is Christian. My youngest older sister is technically Buddhist but, really, everyone knows she doesn’t follow either religion. Then there was me. I couldn’t choose because they both seemed right and wrong. I guess I picked both and sort of mixed them together. My family didn’t like that but there was a small group of people in my home city that had also come to the same conclusion that maybe both religions are right. I joined them and my family wasn’t happy but as long as I didn’t do anything crazy they were going to tolerate whatever my choice of religion was. But then, I guess, I did something crazy.

I met another teenager who had been conflicted about her religion until she found this new religion. We became quick friends and then we sort of fell in love, or what counts as love when you’re a teenager. My parents didn’t want me to marry her. Her parents didn’t want her to marry me. We didn’t care, though, and so we got engaged in the church of our shared religion in a sort of promising, pre-marriage ritual. Then we left the planet, looking for a place to call our own without the shadow of the negativity our religion had garnered. But my engagement to her was the beginning of a long list of bad things to happen. 

First, my grandma died. She was the only person who didn’t dislike my choice or religion or my choice of partner but just days after my engagement, she died. Then, when I left the planet, my family refused to talk to me. Then my fiance left, saying that we weren’t working. Then I lost the job I loved and was blacklisted. Then I joined the Potya and The Museum happened. JJ and Isabella happened. It just feels so much like God must be punishing me for something.”

Phichit stopped, realizing suddenly that he was crying again. He hadn’t even noticed the tears until he paused to take a breath. Reaching up, he wiped at his eyes and cheeks quickly, hoping to make his obvious crying as unnoticeable as possible. 

“But then there was Seung-gil,” Phichit admitted, feeling like he was telling a secret even though he was pretty sure everyone knew how he felt about Seung-gil. “He felt a little bit like God’s way of saying that I’d paid my debts. It felt like I’d finally been allowed to be happy. But now he’s gone and I’ve been such an asshole and it’s like… maybe God was never there to begin with. Maybe God’s never given a fuck about me.”

“I doubt that,” Mickey told him, frowning deeply while he tried to decide what the best combination of words would be right now. “I can’t speak for your beliefs, but my god doesn’t just abandon people. Bad things happen. People do bad things. Our world is chaotic. But God still loves everyone. I don’t believe He wants you to be sad, I don’t believe He’s punishing you. But there are things out of His control. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people but, that’s not because that’s what God wants but because God has allowed us all freedom. Freedom to make ourselves happy and, yes, freedom to do bad things.

Did God want Viktor to be torn away from Yuuri? Did He want Emil’s parents to die? Did He want The Museum to nearly tear us apart?” Mickey shook his head. “Some people might say yes. Some people think that God punishes us or abandons us but I just can’t believe that. And,” Mickey reached out to put a hand on Phichit’s shoulder, his face a little awkward but still resolute. “No matter what, I don’t think you’re a bad person. If there’s a God somewhere punishing you, then fuck Him because you’re a good person.”

“Am I?” Phichit asked weakly. 

“Yes.” Mickey nodded, refusing to back down from his assertion. “You’re a good person and any god worth his salt wants you to find your way.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Mickey taking his hand back and watching Phichit. He wondered if Phichit had something more he wanted to say or if he’d finally become closed off. Mickey knew if it was him, this was more forthcoming that he ever would have been. But Phichit was very different from him and so after some time, he spoke up.

“Why do people leave?”

“Different reasons.” Mickey thought about the people he’d watched leave in his lifetime. It wasn’t many and yet it was enough. “A lot of people don’t want to leave.”

“That’s what Seung-gil said the other night,” Phichit didn’t even think about laying it all out for Mickey, despite their not knowing each other that well. Maybe it was the late hour and maybe it was just the fact that Phichit was an open person. Most likely, though, he was sleep deprived and these thoughts had been fighting their way to the surface since Seung-gil left. “If you don’t want to leave then just don’t.”

“Emil’s parents didn’t want to leave,” Mickey’s voice was hard but not cold. “The Captain’s father didn’t want to leave. Your grandmother didn’t want to leave.”

“Fine, people don’t want to die!” Phichit felt helpless. “But what about the people who chose to leave? Seung-gil and Guang Hong and Leo and Tukta and my parents. They just left me!”

Mickey scratched the back of his neck, lost for words. Footsteps alerted them to the presence of someone else and when they turned Emil was standing in the doorway. 

“Have you tried contacting your Parents? Maybe they want to talk,” Emil said without any preamble. “Guang Hong and Leo have a life to make together.” He stepped into the room, coming to stand next to Mickey. “I don’t know Tukta but I’m guessing she was your fiancé. I can’t say why she left but if you fall out of love isn’t it more hurtful to stay?”

Phichit didn’t respond, looking down at his lap. 

“You can’t stop everyone from leaving—Guang Hong and Leo and Tukta were probably inevitable—but you can’t keep blaming God or other people every time someone leaves. Sometimes it might feel like they’re leaving but, really, you’re the one leaving.” When Phichit didn’t respond, only looking at Emil dumbfoundedly and like he didn’t understand a word he’d just said, Emil shrugged. “It’s just something to think about. But for now, I think the best thing to do is for you to get some sleep.”

“Emil is right, you look like shit,” Mickey told Phichit matter-of-factly. 

“I’m not sure I can sleep,” Phichit admitted as Mickey and Emil stood, both standing so close together it made Phichit’s heart hurt a little. “I don’t think I know how to without…”

“I’m not cuddling with you,” Mickey told him before his face softened. “But if you want to come sleep in my room, at least you won’t be alone.”

“Thanks,” Phichit said quietly, not sure it would help but decided it was worth trying. “Thanks for trying to help.”

“People leave,” Emil told Phichit, his eyes full of a wisdom that Phichit had rarely seen in anyone under the age of 85. “But if I’ve learned anything it’s that they’re not nearly as important as the people who have stayed.”

Phichit’s mouth opened just a little, looking at the two young men he didn’t know all that well but who, he realized, had still become family. He looked at these two people he couldn’t call strangers anymore who were standing in this dim kitchen doing their best to help him despite everything. 

Phichit looked at them and for the first time since Seung-gil had stepped off the Potya, he felt safe. 

\---

 

The bar wasn’t exactly crowded when Phichit entered but he guessed that it was about as crowded as the place got. There was a pleasant level of background noise. About half the barstools were taken, with most people sitting at tables and talking to coworkers or family or friends. Phichit took a seat at the empty end of the bar, waiting for Chris to notice him instead of calling the genial man over.

“What can I get you?” He asked, outwardly unaffected by the fact that his last conversation with Phichit had been less than friendly. 

“Whatever you think is best,” Phichit said, raising a hand to call Chris back over when he turned to leave. “Also, I’d like to apologize for how I treated you before.” 

“No harm done,” Chris told him honestly. “I’m pretty sure everyone’s said things they regret when they’re upset.”

“I just…” Phichit was looking for words that he wasn’t sure he knew how to say just yet. “You talked about hope and it was terrible of me to just tear you down like that. Hope is really important and I guess it’s pretty much the only thing that’s kept me going for a long time now.”

“But hope betrayed you and you got bitter,” Chris finished with a smile as Phichit’s surprise. “I’ve been there.” 

“Yeah?”

“When Luca first stopped contacting me I started to lose hope. I snapped at people who I care about. I even yelled at Luca’s father.”

“That’s pretty bad.”

“It was, but he’s a forgiving man who understood.” Chris smiled at Phichit. “And now it’s my turn to understand. Now, let me get you a drink.”

“Thanks,” Phichit said, looking around the bar while he waited. 

It really was a lively bar, full of people who probably had stories to tell that nobody was interested in listening. Phichit could see it in the way people spoke to friends or spoke to nobody. There was a man in the corner with one arm and four friends. There was a lonely looking woman with muscles to rival Mila’s. There were a man and a woman signing to each other over half finished drinks. There was Chris himself. They all had stories, Phichit knew, and maybe he could just stay here forever and write about them. Maybe instead of trying to change the universe, he could just stay put and fade further into obscurity. 

“Here you are,” Chris said, surprising Phichit out of his thoughts and making Chris chuckle. “What were you thinking about?”

“I was just wondering if I should just stay here,” Phichit confessed, taking a drink and finding he liked the sweet drink Chris had given him. “I shouted at Seung-gil for leaving, I called him a coward, but maybe leaving is the right choice. What can I do for them? I’m just a burden.”

“I doubt you’re just a burden,” Chris said, content not to ask who Seung-gil was. He thought he could put the pieces together well enough on his own. “But if you really wanted to stay here, I could use an extra set of hands.”

“You say that now, but I have no experience in the service industry,” Phichit said, only half joking. “The only thing I’ve ever done for a living is journalism.” 

“You’re a journalist, huh?” Chris glanced around the room but found that the crowd had slowed down on drinks, at least for now. “How’d you end up out here on a military vessel?” 

“I’m sort of freelance right now,” Phichit explained laughingly, though it was a bitter laugh. “I lost my last job and Emil offered me a ride anywhere so I took it. They were going to The Edge anyway, and that’s something I’d always wanted to see. I reasoned that even if I didn’t find a place or a story on the way, at least the ending would be good. And, no matter the end, it was a way to run away from a place I hated.”

“Are you still running away from that place?” Chris asked, Phichit looking up at him, not expecting that questions. “Because you still look like you’re running.”

“No, I don’t think so.” Phichit blinked. “But maybe I am. Maybe I was never running from the planet.”

He thought now that maybe he was running away from memories. Maybe he was running away from himself. But it was more or less impossible to run from memories and nobody could truly run from themselves, so maybe this was the inevitable crash Phichit should have foreseen. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Chris said with a smile.

“You didn’t, it’s okay. I just never thought much about it.” 

“Well–” Chris started to speak but was cut off by someone calling him for a drink. “I’ll be back.”

Phichit started into his half-empty drink, trying to decide what he was running from. He suspected everyone on The Potya was running from something. 

Yuuri was running to Viktor, sure, but he was also running away from loneliness. He was running away from a life without Viktor. He was running away from an empty bedroom and a broken heart. 

Yuri, and in many ways the whole crew, were running from The Military. They were running from the fear of not being able to change anything. They were running from the idea of becoming another cog in a machine that was destroying lives like so many people had before them.

And could anyone blame them for running? Phichit couldn’t if he didn’t want to be a hypocrite. After all, he’d spent the last few years running from just about everything in his life and his past.

And now, maybe, he was running from Seung-gil.

“Hey, I’m back.” Chris once again jerked Phichit out of his thoughts and as he started, Phichit gulped down the rest of his drink. “Do you want another drink?” 

“Sure,” Phichit said, handing Chris the glass. Before he could turn, though, Phichit touched his hand lightly, stopping him. “I’ll do some digging to see if I can find any information about Luca. Nobody disappears without a trace in this universe.” 

“You don’t have to do that.”

“But I want to.” Phichit retracted his hand. “Hope is important and I want to help keep yours alive.” 

“Thank you,” Chris said and Phichit nodded, unable to find words to say what he really felt. “It means a lot.”

When Phichit proved he had nothing else to say, Chris continued away from the other man to make his drink. Phichit closed his eyes while he waited, already making plans about how he’d get the information he’d just promised. It would be hard but he knew he could do it. 

He wasn’t good at much be he was, in the end, great at digging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this up to my standard? No. Am I posting it anyway? Yes. Why? Because this chapter is going to kill me if I keep trying to fix it.
> 
> Also, the next chapter isn't finished yet so I'm going to keep the every other week schedule for now. There is a small small small chance I'll post next weekend but I probably won't. The only reason I would is that there's a chance the next chapter will be a little short, in which case I'd rather give you all a little more before a two-week break. I won't know until it's finished, though, so don't count on me posting next week.


	26. Reason Enough to Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Come to me, My Love_   
>  _Oh, Come to me, My Love._   
>  _I’ll love you when you’re far away,_   
>  _But come to me my love._

Phichit didn’t know what to do about the information he was finding. He’d learned over his handful of years as a journalist that people didn’t just disappear. Not in this universe. It was a big place but the way the world worked these days people left a trace. Especially people who were in the place they were supposed to be doing the thing they were supposed to do until the day that they disappeared.

But Luca had done just that.

Luca Ott was a 30 year old from IRG-199, a tiny galaxy with not much going on and only one habitable planet. The planet was a late push colonization, only colonized because it was the perfect environment for farming. It had been a major source for food during push into what was now the outer region.

Luca left IRG-199 when he was 18, heading for a prestigious college on Earth to study universal transit and modern exploration sciences, with a focus on modern scanning technology. He was top of his class and most of his tuition was paid for by scholarships. He graduated when he was 22 and headed to graduate school in ORG-1. He was researching better ways to explore unknown portions of space.

He seemed to have met Chris sometime around his second year of graduate school, when he had been invited to a highly publicized symposium—and more interestingly for the press, a dinner where everyone who was anyone in science attended. Luca had shown up with Chris on his arm and the scientific paparazzi went crazy. Most people came with spouses or significant other’s who were scientific geniuses in their own rights or at least had made a name for themselves in some way. Christophe Giacometti was a nobody and the press was immediately interested why such a well known up and coming scientist had arrived with—it would later be reported—a bartender from the seedier parts of the city.

Luca had graduated with honors when he was 24, having done work on improving current explorer class ships’ scanning capabilities. He had actually been one of the main creators of seventh series explorers—and therefore, the Potya’s—scanning hard and software.

Then, he’d announced his engagement to Chris and then the two of them had moved to some small mining planet—no name was given but it was obviously Funia—and opened a bar. Then, at least in the eyes of the press, Luca Ott had faded into obscurity with the latest story with his name being a short piece about ten specialists being sent into The Dark to do extensive studies on current exploration class scanning and map making capabilities.

That was everything Phichit had been able to find from publicly available sources, with little more digging than having searched Luca’s name. After he finished that simple search, his next search wasn’t for Luca but for Yuri, Emil, or both.

He’d found Yuri first and despite the fact that the Potya’s captain had been in less than a pleasant mood lately, Phichit had been anxious to lay out his findings.

“What do you plan next?” Yuri asked as he finished reading the information Phichit had gathered.

“That’s why I found you, I’m not sure what the best next step would be. I wanted to hear what you thought about all this.”

“It seems pretty normal,” Yuri said.

“Except for the fact that Luca and Chris have been dating for around six years and now Luca has completely disappeared.”

“There’s a lot we don’t know about The Dark,” Yuri said even though Phichit could see the glint in his eyes that told Phichit that Yuri wanted to know more. “Maybe he really can’t contact Chris.”

“Maybe, but I’m not so sure.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Yuri finally admitted. “I’m sorry, Phichit, but I really don’t want to get mixed up in another rescue effort. My crew and I already have our hands full with a disappearing man.”

“I know,” Phichit said. “But that’s the thing that has made me so interested. Doesn’t this sound a lot like Yuuri and Viktor?”

Yuri didn’t look at Phichit, instead staring at the notes in front of him. Phichit couldn’t tell if he just didn’t want to think about the possible connection or if something had actually caught his eyes. Then, Phichit got his answer.

“What’s this note about?” Yuri asked, indicating a small note from one of the early articles about Luca. “‘Interest started in hospital’?”

“Oh, that was from a quote from Luca. When he was in the hospital as a child and he watched a documentary about colonization that talked a lot about the efforts of the people who built the explorer and colonization ships.”

“He was hospitalized?” Yuri asked, his voice quiet and contemplative like he knew something Phichit didn’t.

“Umm, yeah, let me check the article again.” Phichit opened his laptop and took a few minutes to scan for the quote from Luca. “Here it is, ‘I got sick and was in a coma for, I think, two weeks. When I woke up I’d lost everything. All my memories and the stuff I learned. I knew basic things like math and science that I’d learned in school, but I didn’t remember learning it. While I was in the hospital being stabilized and having some of my memories restored through therapy, I watched a lot of TV. I watched a lot of documentaries and I remember one about colonization and exploration. It was intriguing and after that, I started learning more and more about it. Maybe I was obsessed because I wanted to fill the emptiness with something, but it became an all-consuming dream. I was going to build the next great exploration tool.’”

Yuri stared at Phichit, his face serious and blank but his eyes angry and, most unsettlingly, terrified.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“When Viktor was little, he got sick and was in the hospital for a while. The thing he had caused him to lose all his memories.” Phichit started back at Yuri, fear soaking into his blood. “I think we need to check out what the military has on Luca.”

“I’ve never broken into their data.”

“That’s fine, I’ll do it.” Yuri stood, handing the papers back to Phichit. “You should look up the people who organized Luca’s mission into The Dark. I’ll tell you if I find anything.”

“Okay,” Phichit agreed and after a long pause added, “Thanks.”

“Don’t… just don’t thank me for this,” Yuri said, his back to Phichit. “It’s not– I don’t know.”

“It’s fine,” Phichit responded, feeling like even though he couldn’t put into words what Yuri was trying to say either, he still understood what he meant. “Whatever we find out, I’m going to tell Chris, but you don’t have to.”

“Thanks,” Yuri said, refusing to look at Phichit. “But I think I’ll be there.”

The Yuri left and Phichit got to work finding information about the research Luca was supposed to be doing and the company that had sent him, the whole time his mind distracted by the possibility that The Military had their hands in this too.

\---

Despite three coffees, Phichit was still sleepy as he sat at the kitchen table doing research. In all fairness, it was weak coffee and Phichit had built up a resistance to caffeine when he was a real, employed journalist and often didn’t get much sleep because he could be a bit of a workaholic at times.

Either way, he found himself nodding off as he read through the information he’d found about Luca’s project. It was honestly not much and Phichit wasn’t sure that he trusted the apparent lack of information on it. Everything he’d found—both legally and illegally—was vague and unhelpful.

Suddenly he was being shaken gently and he woke with a start, not sure when he fell asleep on the laptop still open to a document compiling the information he found online. He liked writing notes on paper—as shown by the three notebooks open around him—but he also knew it was easier to follow information when it was compiled in a text document.

“Phichit, are you okay?” As he blinked sleep out of his eyes, Phichit found a concerned looking Yuuri standing over him. “You shouldn’t fall asleep at the table like that. It’s had for your neck.”

“Ah, yeah, I'm fine,” Phichit responded, peeling a paper from his face before stretching. “I didn't mean to fall asleep.”

“What are you doing?” Yuuri asked, glancing at Phichits papers, obviously not trying to look at them without permission.

“I told Chris I'd try to find some information about Luca.”

“That's nice.”

“I was rude earlier,” Phichit said. “And, anyway, this is a way for me to be useful.”

Yuuri thought about commenting on Phichit not needing to be useful, but decided it was better to leave that for now.

“Have you found anything?”

“Sort of?” Phichit looked down at his computer. “It's like, I've found pretty much nothing but that's something because it's weird. Yuri is helping me by checking out the military.”

“You think it's them?”

Phichit wondered if Yuuri would be angry at Yuri for telling him about Viktor's childhood illness.

“Yuri is worried because Luca was hospitalized as a child for an illness or something and he lost all his memories.”

Yuuri shivered and then his body froze, both things nearly imperceptible. Phichit would have missed them normally, but he'd been watching for any reaction from Yuuri.

“You're worried too,” Phichit said. “It's just like Viktor, isn't it.”

“It's all probably a coincidence,” Yuuri said. “Luca is about me and Viktor's age. Back when we were young, a lot of people got that illness. Some kids lost only parts of their memory, others lost it all. Viktor also lost it all, but I'm guessing Yuri told you that.”

“I wasn't sure if it was a sensitive topic,” Phichit explained.

“And you didn't want to get Yuri in trouble, which was very nice of you.” Yuuri smiled at Phichit then looked up at the door leading to the control room hallway. “Wouldn't you agree, Captain?”

“Shut up, Katsuki,” Yuri responded, striding into the room and towards Phichit.

“I'm not the one who was loitering in the hallway, listening to our conversation.”

“I didn't want to interrupt.” And he wanted to gauge how Yuuri would probably react to the news he had for Phichit. “Did you find anything?”

“Just a whole lot of nothing,” Phichit responded. “No real plans for what they were going to be doing. No explanation for the people they chose. Not even an end date for the project. Everything is vague and not exactly enlightening.”

“What did you find?” Yuuri asked Yuri, the grim look on the young Captain's face enough to tell Yuuri the basics.

“Nothing good,” Yuri said. “I tracked Luca's outgoing communications and found the approximate date when he was either cut off or taken away, I guess. In his communications I found one number he talked with a few times that wasn't a friend or family member. Doing some digging I traced it to the Military.”

“So he was in contact with them. But that doesn't give us much to go on.”

Phichit sighed but Yuri shook his head.

“There's one more thing. I know it's not definite but in the period that Luca stopped communications he was in Dark Sector H, which is one of the smaller sectors. In the Military’s logs, I found an order given just before Luca went radio silent. It was an order that just said SR-DSH. I don't know the code SR but the DSH is definitely referring to Dark Sector H. At best, I'd say he's gone silent because he's hiding from the Military. More likely, they took him somewhere and he hasn't even been in The Dark since he stopped communications.”

Phichit’s blood turned icy, trying to imagine a good reason that the Military would be looking for Luca. He tried to come up with a good reason why Luca would have stopped calling. He tried to explain this away but it all came back to the same conclusion and it wasn’t a conclusion he liked.

“What is going on in this universe?” Yuuri asked quietly. “Why is all this happening?”

Phichit and Yuri didn’t answer, neither of them sure what to say. They had nothing that could provide comfort but they didn’t even have a grave response. All they had was silent agreement.

Finally, Phichit stood.

“Well, I guess it’s time to tell Chris what we learned.”

\---

Phichit couldn’t sleep, his mind too full of thoughts and questions to settle down for sleep. They'd gone over everything they found with Chris but he’d still had more questions so Yuri and Yuuri decided they could tell him more.

Yuuri talked about Viktor, explained all of his life practically, and Phichit had been interested to listen, learning new things about Yuuri’s rather mysterious husband.

Yuri had given Chris some information on what they knew about the Military, though he only gave information that would explain their worries and ideas.

_”If we find any information on our way, we’ll be sure to tell you,” Yuri had said to Chris. “And if we find him on the way, we’ll help but… We have our hands full.”_

_In the end, Chris had sighed tiredly and leaned again the bar, seemingly to hold himself up. He was looking down and seemed like he was doing his best not to fall over. After about a minute like that, he looked up at Yuuri._

_“It’s terrible news and yet I’m kind of glad to know that he doesn’t— that he didn’t—”_

_He didn’t seem to know how to continue but Yuuri did._

_“It’s nice to know he didn’t want to leave you.”_

Maybe Phichit was fixating on small things, but his mind couldn’t get off that thought. Was it really that comforting to know someone didn’t want to leave? They were still gone and there was nothing to be done about it. Either way, they were gone. In Viktor and Luca’s cases, there was a real chance that they’d be gone forever.

No matter the intention, it still hurt when people left, especially without saying goodbye.

Had Seung-gil said goodbye?

Phichit turned over, staring at the blank wall next to him and wondering when Seung-gil had drilled his way into Phichit’s mind. Phichit knew most people would claim that he’d been the one to initiate… anything, but he wasn’t so sure. He’d been sort of interested in Seung-gil because he seemed to have a story to tell. And then there was just something about Phichit that made him want to attach himself to the people who seemed to like him the least.

That said, he was pretty sure there was something else that had really drawn him towards Seung-gil.

Maybe it was Phichit’s first night on the ship when Seung-gil spent time talking to him, insisting that The Potya was a safe and kind place. Maybe it had happened when they were cleaning together and Seung-gil sang his quiet lullaby despite his discomfort with singing. It could have been when they skated together and Seung-gil seemed to finally be trusting him. Or after The Museum, safe and warm next to Seung-gil.

Phichit wasn’t sure when it happened, but he was pretty sure it had been before Seung-gil had drunkenly kissed him.

But then what had happened? Nothing. The two of them hadn’t talked about it and Phichit had never admitted any feelings for Seung-gil, his fear too great. His love had been rejected time and time again and he was afraid it would happen again.

But now Seung-gil was gone and hadn’t Phichit asked him to stay? Hadn’t he begged him to stay?

He never should have believed he could keep Seung-gil near him, but he had and he’d paid the price again. Even if Seung-gil didn’t want to leave—and he had wanted to leave—Phichit would still hurt.

Phichit Groaned and sat up quickly, nearly throwing himself out of bed as he stood up and headed out of his room. He couldn’t just keep laying in bed thinking about Seung-gil. What he needed to do was move on and that seemed so impossible. It was definitely impossible while he was still in the room they’d shared for what seemed like an eternity. In reality, it hadn’t been that long but Phichit couldn’t always control how his mind thought about things.

It had been a while since Phichit had climbed his way into the scaffolding of the cargo bay, but it was the only place left where he could feel okay. It still brought back memories—Seung-gil telling him he was going to get hurt; the two of them cleaning the cargo bay—but he would just have to deal with that. It was easier to deal with even direct memories like those when he was up high. Phichit could explain why it made him feel safe even when he safer on the ground, but it did and he’d exploit that fact for as long as it stayed true.

“ _If ever I see you._  
_If ever I find you._  
_And I still turn away..._  
_Then you’ll know it’s the day’s._  
_The day when we must part ways._ ”

Phichit’s voice didn’t do the song justice, not like Seung-gil’s did, but he still found himself pulling it from his mind. He was pretty sure he was getting some of the lyrics wrong and he was unable to keep a consistent pace as he forgot lines or the tune, but it was still enough.

“ _But trust My Love._  
_Oh trust my love…_  
_I’ll love you even then._  
_For even if we part tomorrow,_  
_I would still… love you my whole life long._ ”

Did Seung-gil believe the words of this song or was it something he used to try and convince himself that things weren’t nearly as bleak as they felt?

“ _So do not weep,_  
_My darling Love._  
_Do not weep for me._  
_For as our lives come… burning down,_  
_I’ll never forget our love._ ”

Phichit had done one thing this song suggested. He hadn’t wept for Seung-gil. He hadn’t wept for his job. He hadn’t even wept for Tukta. The last time he’d wept over losing someone was when he lost his grandma. That had hurt, but nothing after that really stung enough for him to cry. Or maybe he’d used up all his tears.

“ _Trust My Love._  
_Oh trust my love_  
_I’ll love you even then._  
_For even if we part tomorrow,_  
_I would still love you my whole life long._ ”

 _It’s easy to remember,_  
_And easier yet to forget._  
_But I can never forget your love,_  
_No matter… the seas I cross._  
_Oh Love, don’t forget me,_  
_When I am gone._

 _Oh, trust My Love._  
_Oh trust my love_  
_I’ll love you even then._ ”

But, no, he was lying. He’d cried for all those things. He’d cried, begging Tukta not to leave. He’d cried when he realized all his hard work had gotten him barred from the profession he loved. He’d cried too many times about Seung-gil leaving.

“Do you get it now?”

Phichit was almost startled off his perch by the voice of Yuri below him. Luckily, he kept his balance and didn’t fall to his probable death—or at least grievous injury.

“Huh?” Phichit looked down and saw that Yuri was sitting on the railing of the catwalk Phichit used to climb to this high point. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been there, but he guessed it had been for a while. “What?”

“The song, it’s one Seung-gil sang a lot when he thought nobody was listening,” Yuri said casually. “I’m asking if you understand the song.”

“It’s about moving on from love when it’s lost,” Phichit said and Yuri scoffed. “What?”

“That’s not it,” Yuri said with a chuckle. “I mean, it kind of is, but you're misunderstanding a big part of it.”

“Just tell me, okay? I’m too tired to play games.”

Phichit couldn’t see it but Yuri rolled his eyes.

“The singer doesn’t want to leave. They’re saying the person should move on but they don’t mean it. If you listen to the original way it was performed, it’s really obvious that the person is just saying that stuff to make the listener feel better. The singer doesn’t want to leave.”

“What is the big deal about people not wanting to leave?” Phichit asked, exasperated. “They left, that’s what’s important!”

“ _Come to me, My Love_  
_Oh, Come to me, My Love._  
_I’ll love you when you’re far away,_  
_But come to me my love._ ”

Yuri sang the four lines, obviously from the same song that Seung-gil had sung and Phichit had been trying to imitate.

“After hearing Seung-gil sing it two or three times, I decided to look it up. It’s from the early days of intergalactic travel when people would be gone for a huge amount of time, if not forever. It had two parts, the part Seung-gil was singing and the part that proves my point.”

“Come off it,” Phichit said, getting frustrated again even though he didn’t want to be. “What are you trying to say?”

“You’re the listener of this song but you refuse to hear the second set of lyrics,” Yuri said. “It matters when people don’t want to leave because it means they love you. It’s also important because it means they want to be found or be joined.” Yuri shook his head. “Viktor wants to be found. Luca wants to be found. Have you thought about whether you’re the one who was left or the one who did the leaving?”

“No offense, but I'm not really sure I should be taking relationship advice from you.”

“Then don't,” Yuri shrugged. “But if it makes you feel better, most of that wasn't from me. Most of that was from what my mama taught me back when my papa died and everyone would say things like 'he loved you so much’ and 'I know he would have loved to see you now.’ It made me angry. I can tell you're angry too. You were sad but recently you've gotten mean and short.” Yuri paused. “I know I'm young and I know I'm not exactly 'in touch with my emotions’ but if the people on this ship have anything in common, it's loss. We're all trying to help each other in some way and that includes you.” Yuri sighed, seeming tired and much older than eighteen. “Maybe I'm wrong about Seung-gil but maybe you are too.”

Yuri didn't say anything else, turning and leaving before Phichit could respond to him.

Sitting in the quiet, dim room Phichit’s mind floated back to what he’d considered earlier about saying goodbye.

Had he said goodbye to Seung-gil?

\---

“I’d like to make a toast,” Yuri announced to the bar that was full of friends but empty of patrons. Chris had invited them all over to the bar for a goodbye dinner since it was just about time for The Potya to move on. “But I want to do something a little different. I want everyone to add something to the toast.”

“Well, I toast to finding Viktor,” Chris said, smiling at Yuuri. “You deserve it.”

“Then I toast to finding Luca,” Yuuri countered, smiling back. “You deserve that.”

“I’ll toast to love,” Sara said, smiling first at Mila and then at Mickey and Emil.

“I toast to family,” Mickey added.

“To safety,” Emil said, threading an arm around Mickey’s lower back, unaware that this was the first public display of affection between the two. Not that anyone was surprised. Still, Mila winked at them suggestively, making Mickey blush and Emil laugh.

“To communication,” Mila said, knowing that they all could use divine help on that front.

Phichit, Otabek, and Yuri were the only ones left and after a moment of thinking, Otabek spoke up.

“I would like to toast to dispelling injustice, any way possible.”

Yuri looked at Phichit, insisting that he go first.

“I toast to mistakes,” Phichit said. “We all make them and that’s okay.”

Yuuri smiled, sure already what Phichit was going to say next.

“Before you continue, Yuri, there something I want to say.” When Yuri didn’t interrupt his silence, Phichit continued. “I made a mistake. Well, a lot of mistakes, but recently I made a big one. That’s why I want to go back to ORG-77. Seung-gil didn’t want to leave me. He didn’t even want to leave The Potya. He had to leave the inevitable trajectory of the ship and the people on board. So, I want to ask if I can ask another favor: take me back to ORG-77.”

The way he did it was flawed but Phichit realized Seung-gil had asked him to stay. He’d walked away from Phichit, sure, but Phichit knew that he’d walked away from Seung-gil too. Phichit wanted to find Seung-gil and show him that Phichit hadn’t meant to leave him.

Yuri rolled his eyes, speaking complacently even though there was the tiniest smile on his face.

“Of course we’ll take you back.”

“Thank you,” Phichit said, smiling wider. “And, I have one more favor to ask. I want to help you all with what you’re doing. When you put out your information, I want to help. I want to write an article that I’ll put out on most of the major sources. To write the article, though, I’d like to interview you all.”

The crew of The Potya—Yuuri had long since been included in that count—shared a look that turned quickly into smiles. The wideness of their smiles varied from person to person but they were all smiles.

“Why not?” Yuuri was the one to respond, “What do we have to lose anymore?”

The group laughed and Phichit smiled softly, feeling hopeful. He was sure now that Mickey had been right about God; they weren’t punishing Phichit and if they were, then they didn’t mean shit.

“Well, I guess it’s my turn to finish the toast,” Yuri finally said. “I was going to give a long toast but I don’t think I need to. All I have to say is that my toast is to each and every one of us.”

“To us!” Mila shouted, smiling widely as she lifted her drink higher.

“To us!” Everyone else responded, raising their drinks before clicking them together, laughing and drinking at the night continued.

They weren’t far from The Edge and yet everyone felt okay. They all felt hope that had long since been missing. They felt like maybe, together, they could do this.

\---

The call from his section’s manager was a surprising one, to say the least.

“We have a ship coming in, explorer class. It docked not that long ago but they have another passenger to drop off. Code GE0612.”

“The Potya?” Seung-gil asked his manager.

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

“I came in on that ship.”

“Really?” His manager sounded just a little interested. “Well, you wanna’ take this one, then? I know you all hate dealing with explorer class ships but if you know them it might not be too bad.”

“I’ve got someone set to leave in the next half hour.”

“Okay, Lee, have fun.” The manager said, the smirk in his words obvious. “I’m sure everyone thanks you.”

\---

Sara was first off the ship today, having lost the bet on who would have to deal with the landing crew. The last time they were on this planet, there had been a whole lot of stuff they were expected to do and Sara wasn't too happy about drawing the short straw on this one.

As she stepped into the sun, her hand flew up to shield her eyes. It was a sunny day, but it wasn't uncomfortably hot like the last time they touched down. She was pretty sure the seasons were changing from the hot, dry summertime of the planet to it's cold, wet wintertime.

When Sara looked around for the person who would surely interrogate her about why they were here and what they were doing—they didn't seem to actually care if they were doing anything illegal and instead it seemed that they were worried that the military was checking up on them—she stopped, her eyes caught in a confused stare at the man in front of her.

“Nice to see you again, Sara,” Seung-gil said with a small bow.

Sara didn't respond, running down and pulling Seung-gil into a tight hug.

“I can't believe it!” Sara said to him, nearly crushing him in her embrace. “I was so worried we'd never find you.”

“The only thing I know is ships,” Seung-gil explained. “And maybe I wanted to stay near the port.”

Seung-gil wasn't sure he was ready to admit it, but he'd hoped that they'd return. He'd hoped he'd get one more chance.

“Why are you back?” Seung-gil asked when Sara finally let go of him. He didn't want to get his hopes up, but they'd mentioned dropping someone off.

“You know why,” Sara smiled. “Let's finish up what we need to do here so you can talk to him.”

Seung-gil nodded, pulling out a clipboard and starting to ask Sara the routine questions they asked any military ship that landed. As he got halfway down the list, voices from the ship caught his attention. There seemed to be a friendly argument going on between Mickey and Mila about the best searching methods. Behind them were Yuri and Emil, both quietly listening. Last to exit were Yuuri and Seung-gil, chatting quietly.

Phichit looked… like Phichit. He was everything Seung-gil remembered. A month or so apart is hardly enough to change someone drastically but he knew he probably looked a bit different.

His skin had darkened from working in the sun all day. He was getting more exercise so he was back in top shape. He needed a haircut still and his hair was down to his chin.

Phichit looked much the same, though. He looked tired but hopeful like he hadn't gotten much sleep lately but he didn't mind. His hair was a bit messier than usual but it appeared that he'd gotten it cut recently.

Phichit laughed at something Yuuri said and Seung-gil swallowed dryly, the bright smile on Phichit's face something he'd missed so much.

He had so many people he missed but this one had come back. Maybe it was still only temporary. Maybe Sara had misunderstood. Maybe Phichit just wanted to say a proper goodbye.

Maybe Phichit was here to stay.

As if he could feel eyes on him, Phichit looked down towards Sara. There was a moment of confusion and maybe a little panic as he looked at Seung-gil. Then it passed and he smiled, still a tiny bit bewildered.

“Seung-gil?” He asked, his voice carrying down to Seung-gil, who couldn't quite find his voice.

But Phichit's question had obviously been more for himself than Seung-gil because after another few moments, Phichit broke away from the group to run up to Seung-gil, throwing his arms around the other man's neck.

“I’m sorry,” he said, Seung-gil frozen as he tried to find the words he wanted to say. “I was so afraid that you’d leave me that I was the one who left.”

“I’m sorry for deciding to leave without telling you,” Seung-gil responded. “I was trying to ask you to come with me, but I didn’t know how.”

“You don’t need to apologize, you were just trying to tell me something I didn’t want to hear.” Seung-gil could feel some tears soaking into his shoulder. “I’m sorry I covered my ears. I’m sorry I just kept shouting what I wanted you to say without listening to what you were really telling me.”

“Don’t apologize,” Seung-gil told him. “You’re here now, right?”

“Yeah, I’m here.” Phichit leaned away from Seung-gil, his arms still threaded around the other’s neck. “I promise you.”

Phichit leaned in close, their lips nearly touching, but he paused and looked into Seung-gil’s eyes.

“I know we never talked about it, and I know it’s going to sound stupid but when you kissed me I think I fell in love with you.” Then Phichit laughed, thinking about what he was saying. “No, that’s wrong, it was before that. I think it was when you said ‘If I’m not to blame, then neither are you.’”

“It’s still true.”

“I know,” Phichit said, real force behind his words. There might still be lingering doubts in his mind but even if he had a hard time believing himself, he could believe Seung-gil. “Can I kiss you?”

“Only if I can kiss you too,” Seung-gil responded with a small smile and Phichit laughed, dispelling the tiny distance between their lips, obvious to the fact that they were very much in public and Seung-gil was also, technically, on the job.

There were more goodbyes to come when The Potya had to move on, but Phichit and Seung-gil both felt better about them now that they were together. And, much like when Leo and Guang Hong left, Phichit realized that this wasn’t goodbye, not forever.

Sometimes people left because they had to but, most importantly, sometimes, people came back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I fucking almost didn't finish this chapter but somehow I did it. Kind of like it, even though I feel like maybe I could have fleshed out some of the scenes a little more. 
> 
> FYI the next chapter is giving me hell but I will work hard to finish it in two weeks.


	27. I've Never Had a Quiet Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even if space was quiet, Yuri wasn't sure he'd ever truly experienced silence. He wasn't sure he'd even experienced quiet. 
> 
> Otabek's life had been predominantly quiet moments and yet he'd never had a moment like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hey, hey sorry for once again having to break one chapter into two parts. I'll talk more about that at the end. 
> 
> This chapter has some minor descriptions of blood and people are injured, but there are no graphic descriptions.

Yuri was surprised when he went to the kitchen for some water and found a very much still awake Otabek at the table. It was past midnight and Yuri knew Otabek always tried to go to bed at latest by midnight. And yet, here he was, pouring over papers like his life depended on it.

“You’re still awake,” Yuri commented, Otabek nearly falling out of his chair as he jumped at Yuri’s voice. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Otabek took a deep breath and then turned to look at Yuri, “It’s not your fault. I’m easily surprised when I working.”

“So you’re working.” Yuri walked over to the table, looking at the papers scattered around the table. “What’s all this?”

There were a few pictures of the same man and a few more blurry pictures that seemed to be of the man, but which Yuri couldn’t really say were definitely him. There were at least five maps, one of which had been written on in red pen. Lastly, there was an open folder of documents, the one that he could see was also covered in red notes. 

“We’re getting close to ORG-79.”

“Oh, I didn’t even think about that,” Yuri said honestly. They were almost to ORG-78 for a brief refueling and restocking stop, but then it was on to ORG-79, Otabek’s destination. After that, there would be only one more stop. “So this is the guy?” 

“Yeah. It’s everything we have on him.” 

Yuri’s eyes were drawn to a family picture, his chest tightening as he realized that of the five people in the picture, only two were still alive. It hurt to look at how happy they were but most of all he hated how happy the father was. Yuri couldn’t imagine what kind of person could kill their own family. He could barely stomach the fact that they’d killed at least one of The Curators. But family was so much different. So many people had lost parts of their family—or their whole family—and the thought of being the one to do that was… it wasn’t right.

Yuri would give anything for his father to still be alive and he didn’t even remember the man. 

“This is an odd looking map,” Yuri commented, pointing at the map with writing on it. 

The map had a main road cutting it in half horizontally and to the north, there was a mess of maze-like roads that were disorderly and seemingly unplanned. To the south of the main road, thought the streets were in a perfectly planned grid system that was probably as efficient as it was boring. 

“The south side of this town was razed during a short-lived attempt at rebellion. The north side was spared so it retained the old roads made by early settlers while the south was rebuilt by the military.”

Without thinking, Yuri ran his hand over the southern part of the map. 

“The military can’t go anywhere without leaving a scar.” Yuri didn’t give Otabek time to respond, looking instead at the folder. “Wait, he was a teacher?”

“In history, I believe.” 

Yuri didn’t let himself pause to think about this new piece of information.

“How are you going to find him?”

“We think we know where he’s living based on security cameras and his paper trail. It’s a weak trail, but I’m pretty confident in it.”

They were quiet for a while, Yuri unsure what he wanted to say and Otabek unsure of what he should say. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but Yuri still wanted to end it. 

“Why not stay on-planet?” Yuri asked finally. “Why work for the Military if you don’t like them?”

“Who said I didn’t like them?” Otabek asked, deflecting Yuri’s first question.

“You don’t care that we’re thieves and deserters.”

“Just because I don’t agree with everything the Military Police does or believes, doesn’t mean I hate the Military. I don’t like the Military Police, that’s true, but the Military, on the whole, isn’t all bad. The USEA is just trying to explore. The Military Surgeons are doing their best to help without much help from the Military, just like The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force.”

“I still can’t believe how the Military treats The… Universal Joint… Civilian Regulation Force.”

“The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force,” Otabek corrected easily. “We’re everything the Military doesn’t want its people to be. We mainly deal with civilian crime and the Military thinks that should be under The Government’s purview.”

“You really like The UJMC… CRF.” 

“The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force is full of great people who deserve more than what The Military gives them.” Otabek shook his head. “The people there are driven, compassionate, and smart. They deserve recognition for the good they do.”

“You’re part of that,” Yuri pointed out, “you should be saying ‘we’ not ‘they.’ You deserve all that too.” 

“I’m barely part of The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force. I spend most of my time on the move and spend almost no time at the headquarters. I’m barely more than a mercenary.” 

“You’re doing good work,” Yuri insisted. “The Joint Military Criminal and Civian Universal Regulatory Force is lucky to have you.”

Otabek smiled, mostly at Yuri’s seemingly earnest attempt at saying the name properly. 

“The Universal Joint Military and Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force.”

“Why do you use its whole name?” Yuri asked, the question not the one he really wanted answered but definitely one he’d been wondering. “I know the acronym doesn’t roll off the tongue, but there has to be an easier way to talk about it.”

“I guess…” Otabek looked away from Yuri. “It’s stupid to call it by its full name but… The Military doesn’t pay us much mind so any time I can tell someone about us, I want to… It’s basically like, nobody says the name so I have to work doubly as hard to keep people from forgetting we’re here. The Joint Regulatory Force is full of great people and maybe if I say the name while I’m out in the field, it’ll make people realize how important The Joint Regulatory Force is.”

“You don’t have to shorten it for me,” Yuri insisted. 

“I don’t need to spend time saying the whole name,” Otabek said, smiling at Yuri with a full, soft smile. “I know you all know who we are.”

They settled into a comfortable silence, Yuri sitting down to look over the papers with Otabek. After a few minutes of mostly silence, broken occasionally by a comment or question, Yuri asked his earlier question again. 

“Why not stay on your home planet? You could have been a police officer or something, right?”

“I could have, but…” Otabek closed his eyes. Yuri wondered what he was imagining behind his eyes. His home-planet? His family? Nothing? “My home-planet is a bit dangerous, at least the parts where I grew up. It’s not a planet in rebellion, but it’s not high on the Military’s priority list so it’s a pretty wild place.

The Military wanted me. I don’t know why, but they wanted me to be part of The Military Police. They made me an offer. I would go work for them and they’d put my mother and sister in a nice on-base house. A nice, modern home in a nice, safe location. 

My sister isn’t weak, she knows how to defend herself, but I was always afraid that she would get into a fight that would kill her. It doesn’t matter how strong you are if the other person pulls out a knife or a gun. Or if they gang up on you. And no matter how strong you are, there’s always someone stronger. I was so afraid that one day instead of coming home with some bruises, she wouldn’t come home at all.”

Otabek sighed, opening his eyes but looking off into the distance, eye unfocused. 

“I’m sure she still gets into fights, but the military base is much safer for both of them. And they get quite a bit of money from my paycheck. It’s much less now that I’m part of The Joint Regulatory Force, but it’s still plenty for them and me. When I worked for The Military Police it was more money than any of us really knew what to do with.”

Otabek paused, thinking for a long time before adding. 

“It was too much to turn down.” 

“Yeah, I get it.”

There was another long silence and then Otabek spoke up again.

“I miss them.”

Yuri blinked, surprised by how forthcoming Otabek was. But he liked it, it made him feel like the comfort he felt sitting next to Otabek wasn’t one-sided. Looking up but at nothing in particular, Yuri took a breath.

“Me too. I haven’t seen my Mama in so long and it’s… I miss her so much.” Yuri’s shoulders hunched a little as he started to fold in on himself just a little. “I’m afraid I’ll never see her again. And I’ve truly left her all alone. I was the only person she had. By the time I went to the academy, Grandpa and Grandma were retired so she wasn’t alone. But because of what I did, Grandpa was called out of retirement and she’s alone again. It’s like the stars have taken everything from her.”

“If your mother is anything like you, I’m sure she is strong.”

“I know she is… it’s just… she shouldn’t have to be alone. Nobody should.” Yuri looked down at the smiling man in the photographs, glaring at him. “Well, maybe some people should be. It would be one thing to run away, but to deprive your family of each other… They had so many days of happiness left and he took them away.”

Otabek reached a hand out, soft and unthreatening, lightly wiping away tears that Yuri hadn’t even notice were on his cheeks. Yuri looked up at Otabek, surprised and uncertain. 

“Aaa, sorry,” Otabek said, pulling his hand back quickly. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s okay, I just wasn’t expecting that.” 

“I wasn’t trying to invade your personal space.” 

“I said it was okay.” Yuri rolled his eyes. “This ship is full of people with no concept of personal space, so I’m used to it.”

“I never noticed that,” Otabek admitted, thinking that everyone he’d met on The Potya was relatively reserved and private. 

“Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t.” Yuri sighed. “We went through some bad shit and everyone’s been… not okay.”

“Like when you were being tailed?” Otabek knew the basic timeline of The Potya but knew very few specifics. “When you went back to Malen?”

“No, not that.” Yuri didn’t want to tell this story, didn’t even want to allude to it. “We stopped in a place called… well, we call it The Museum but I don’t know if it had a different name. A lot of… bad stuff happened on that planet. That happened not long before we picked you up. It’s why everyone was so jumpy and aloof around you.”

“I thought that was because I was military.” 

“Being part of The Military was a reason for their jumpiness… it just wasn’t the main thing. The main thing was we were almost… Collected.” Yuri shivered. “Emil, Sara, Guang Hong, and Leo were spared most of the pain because they were on the ship but they were completely out of contact with us the entire time. The rest of us… It was a lot.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up a bad memory.”

“It’s okay,” Yuri said. “You apologize a lot.”

“And you like saying everything is okay.”

Yuri looked at Otabek for a few moments, a bit shocked by that response and also surprised by the slight look of challenge in Otabek’s face. Once he processed that, though, Yuri found himself smirking back at Otabek. 

“I guess we all have our own self-defense techniques.” 

“You could say that,” Otabek agreed. “If you still want to talk about The Museum, you can, but don’t feel like you have to.” 

“That’s sweet of you,” Yuri’s smile softened before dissolving. “The Museum was a prison and we almost didn’t escape. If Yuuri hadn’t… well, I still don’t completely understand how he did it, but Yuuri got us out of there. But, I guess, we all left a piece of ourselves there. At least it feels like I did. It’s weird, but running from The Pavlova seems like such a good time now.”

“What did they do there?” Otabek asked quietly. “At The Museum. Was it run by The Military?”

“No… but I think The Military knows about them. Maybe… I’m not sure. The planet wasn’t on our maps. The Curators—the people working there—said something about working outside The Government’s reign, but they never mentioned The Military.” Yuri shook his head. “We really don’t know much about it. We weren’t there that long. We know what The Curators told us, but that wasn’t much.” 

“I don’t think I really understand,” Otabek admitted. “But I don’t think I need to.”

“No, you don’t.” Yuri wasn’t sure he understood it himself. “And at some point, it’s just another fucked up stop on this ride I got us all on.”

“You can’t blame yourself for things like that.”

“We never would have been there if we weren’t running.”

“You don’t know that–”

“But I do,” Yuri interrupted, looking at his hands. “I never told the others but… I know what our orders were going to be. We were supposed to explore past the eastern edge. We wouldn’t have been anywhere near that hellhole if I hadn’t taken us there.”

“Yuri,” Otabek’s voice was hard and Yuri found he had to look up at him. “Every person on this ship is an adult who made their own choices. You can’t blame yourself for the choices other people make.”

“They all trust me so much,” Yuri knew he needed to stop talking but like when he talked to Yuuri, Otabek’s presence had a way of making him feel safe. Then again, maybe he was just overly tired. “I don’t know why they do and I don’t know how to live up to that.” 

“I don't know you all very well,” Otabek qualified before continuing, “but I can see you all care about each other a lot.”

“They're family.”

“Yet you feel like you have to be perfect for them.” Yuri couldn't respond, knowing Otabek was right but not wanting to admit it. “They know you're imperfect, though, and you shouldn't be afraid of that. It might be too much to say people will love others for their faults, but I don't think it's wrong to think that people love other faults and all. It's not despite their faults, but because everything great you are comes with faults. They wouldn't follow you just because of your faults but they also wouldn't follow you if you were perfect. They know who you are, they know you better than I do, and that's why they trust you.

We all have faults and flaw and problems. I can't speak for all of you, but I have plenty of faults. I've been described interchangeably as shy and antisocial. I don't know which is true, but I am bad with people. I'm too distant sometimes and other times I'm too intense. I can become… obsessive. Or maybe fixated is a better word. I can get so focused on one thing that I forget about everything else I need to do.”

Otabek paused and then laughed, the sound low and unmusical. 

“See what I mean? I'm telling you all this about me even though we're not really close.” Otabek shook his head. “I'll get to my point. You have faults but it's okay to show them and feel them because we know you have them and nobody begrudges you those faults. Nobody thinks you're perfect and if they do, they're not people who really care about you.”

“I don't think you're too intense,” Yuri told him truthfully. “Not that I would know.”

Otabek laughed again with that same almost off-key laughter.

“I guess anyone who chooses to spend most of their time in space can't be very good at socializing.”

“Guess not,” Yuri smiled at Otabek, at ease in a new kind of way. He couldn't explain it, but he didn't mind it. It wasn't the same feeling of being with the crew and it wasn't the same warmth he felt around Yuuri. It was something almost akin to anxiety, but it wasn't a bad feeling. “You– we should get some sleep. It's late.”

“Guess you're right,” Otabek agreed, starting to gather up his papers. “Thanks for helping me with this.”

“I didn't really do much.”Otabek snorted at that and Yuri raise an eyebrow. “What?”

“Without you, I'd still be stuck on Eylea.” Otabek stood, pulling his papers into his hands and too his chest, looking like he was hiding himself. It was an anxious stance Yuri had seen before but was surprised to see Otabek do it. “Knowing what I do know, I'm surprised you were able to trust me at all, so… So thank you.”

Yuri wasn’t sure what else to say so he just nodded and watched Otabek head to the guest rooms before heading back to his own room, wondering how to explain that conversation.

\---

Hostility wasn’t what Sara was expected when they began their approach on ORG-78’s only habitable planet and yet, that was exactly what they got.

“Stand down or we will shoot.”

“Excuse me?” Sara asked, uncertain but also annoyed. “And why exactly are you going to shoot us?”

“You know why, dog.”

“Oh.” Sara blinked, a concerned frown creeping onto her face as she forced herself into a less formal tone. “Fuck, no, we’re not military. The fuck would we be doing here if we were military? Do explorer ships usually get involved in this shit?”

“What the hell are you doing in a military ship, then?”

“It’s decommissioned, we bought it at an auction.” Sara’s entire body was taut, ready to do something—anything—if this lie failed to land. Across the room, Mickey was simply looking on, knowing he had very little he could do right now. They were too close to the planet for a safe jump, so he was pretty much powerless. “You know the military will throw away perfectly good shit if they get a new toy.” 

The man laughed and Sara relaxed, feeling like she might have pulled off this lie. It was one she’d used before—they’d all used it plenty of time—and it had really only failed once, with Yuuri, so she shouldn’t have worried and yet… well, after everything, it was hard not to worry. 

“Sorry for early, just can’t be too careful these days.”

“Hey, no hard feelings, just glad you didn’t shoot first.” 

“Guess you’re lucky I have a soft sport for explored class ships. They’re too well built to shoot down if it can be helped.”

“I’d agree with both points there.” Sara laughed nervously, hoping it didn’t come across that way to the man. “Real durable and all that.”

“All military ships are, unfortunately for us.” He laughed again. “Okay, you’re clear. You looking for space-side or planetside docking?”

“Space would be best, I’d say. We’ll be in and out quick if we can help it. Just need to restock.”

“Well, there’s plenty of space up here so go ahead. Someone’ll show you the best spot.”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime.” There was a smile in his voice but Sara found she couldn’t return it. “Have a good stay.”

\---

“What's the plan?” Mila asked after Sara relayed the conversation she had with the port controller. “We have to be careful.”

“We should be fine as long as we’re not in uniform or anything,” Yuri said. “They believed Sara.” 

“What if someone recognizes us?” Mila asked.

“As what?” Yuri raised an eyebrow at her. “Deserters or zombies?”

“They told our parents we were dead but they haven’t told anyone we deserted,” Mila pointed out. “And we were sort of in the limelight that last year of training.”

“You were in the limelight?” Yuuri echoed questioningly from the kitchen. He was cooking dinner while everyone considered their next course of action. Either way, they wouldn’t do anything until the following morning, so dinner was a necessity. “What does that mean?”

“We were featured in a lot of promotional material,” Sara explained. “The Captain is the youngest captain to date. The rest of us are at least close to being the youngest in our fields. Also, with Yuri’s heritage, it was something people were interested in.”

“The only people who cared about Mikhail Plisetsky were people from the inner region,” Mickey said sourly, sounding like Yuri. “And the only people who cared about us were people who cared about Mikhail Plisetsky.”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself,” Yuri said with a smirk. “They’re not going to recognize us. You’re paranoid.”

“I feel like I have reason to be,” Mila said. “If these people are aggressive enough to shoot down an explorer ship, I’m sure the military is on its way with backup. This kind of thing gets hot quick and it doesn’t stay hot for long.”

“We’ll be out of here before it even starts getting warm,” Yuri waved her away. “Even if things do get hot while we’re here, nobody is going to spend time in a firefight checking up on some random explorer class ship.” 

“It just makes me nervous,” Mila insisted. “We haven’t heard much from the military since The Pavlova and it’s just… I don’t care who that crew is, the military isn’t going to wait forever.”

“We have just as much reason to believe The Pavlova has the fooled.”

“Captain.” Mila’s voice was pleading and yet hard. “They were able to deactivate our card.”

Yuri didn’t respond, knowing that that was something to be concerned about. It was such a small thing, but he knew all too well how many checks there were on those cards to keep crew members safe and well funded regardless of where they docked.

“For what it’s worth,” Yuuri said from the kitchen, everyone turning to look at him even though he was still looking at the pot he was stirring. “I have a bad feeling.” 

Yuri waited for almost a minute, wanting to say they’d move on but knowing they didn’t have the money to pass up such a cheap planet.

“We have to stop here and stock up,” Yuri reminded them. “If I had a better option, I’d move on, but we don’t. We need supplies for cheap and this is where we’ll get them.”

Mila sighed, “I guess you’re right…”

“We’ll be in and out,” Yuri promised. “We’ll be fine.”

\---

Yuri shielded his eyes as he and Otabek stepped out into the sun, no goods in hand as they found another useless store. Yuri, Otabek, Mila, and Emil had come down to the surface but had decided to split up. Shop owners didn’t seem to like the four of them being in stores together and so, to draw less attention to themselves, they split up. Mila and Emil were taking the east side of the market while Yuri and Otabek were trying their luck on the west side. 

The market was beautiful. It was a mixture of permanent stores and stalls that had endless options. They hadn’t found much that they needed for the ship, but Otabek had found a pair of cheap but sturdy shoes to replace his old military-issue pair. They were worn out and when Yuri asked how long he’d had them, Otabek said he thought he’d had them since joining The Joint Regulatory Force. 

A river cut through the center of the market, with one bridge crossing it. The bridge had been crowded, the day beautiful enough for everyone to be out despite the air of concern that buzzed around most of the store owners. The handful of newspapers Yuri had seen had varying headlines that all held the same word: free. People were happy but they were also scared and that was something Yuri understood as they stepped into what appeared to be a shop totally dedicated to weapons.

“This doesn’t seem to be what we’re looking for,” Otabek said, about to turn around and leave when Yuri caught his arm. “Yuri?”

“I want to look around. This could be… useful.” 

Yuri wondered if he had enough money to arm the entire crew. It would make him feel better if he knew everyone had practical weapons. Hand-to-hand combat just wasn’t always going to be enough. They wouldn’t always be as lucky as they had been so far. 

“You travelers?” The storekeeper asked, surprising Otabek when the storekeeper appeared right behind him. 

“Yep,” Yuri answered. “Things are tough out here, though. We need to arm ourselves.”

“You two are too young to be unarmed,” he agreed. “What are you looking for?”

“Well, my navigator is not very good at any self-defense so he could use something easy. My mechanic and pilot are good with firearms. My muscle is good at everything. I won’t speak for you, Otabek, and I’m pretty sure I can’t speak for Yuuri. He surprises me all the time.” 

“Well, for your less adept members, a stun weapon would be best, I’d bet. And a good gun would be good for anyone in your group.”

“Stun weapons sound great…” Yuri grimaced at the thought or another gun on board. They needed them, past events had surely proved that, but he still didn’t like them. “We’re trying to be as non-lethal as we can.”

“Of course, of course.” He started to move around, looking for something. “This could be useful.”

“What is it?” Yuri asked, walking closer to see what the man was holding. “It just looks like a gun.” 

“Sure it looks like a gun, but it doesn’t shoot bullets.” He smiled. “It’s a flash gun. Anyone looking at this when you pull the trigger will be blinded temporarily.”

“Is it safe to shoot then?” Yuri raised an eyebrow at him.

“Probably. But maybe you should wear sunglasses at the same time, just to be sure.” 

“I don’t like how unsure you are,” Yuri grumbled. “But I’ll take it and two stun weapons. Whatever you think is the best.”

“Anything else?” The storekeeper rummaged around for a little, looking for a certain stun weapon. “What about you, umm, Otabek? Are you looking for anything?”

“I think I’m good. I have everything I need already.”

“Suit yourself,” he said with a shrug. “Do you have a name?”

“Umm… Georgi,” Yuri said unconvincingly. “What about you?” 

“Johanne. It’s nice to meet you, Georgi, are you looking for anything else?”

“Do you have anything else?” 

“How about this?” Johanne pulled a small, metal ball from behind the counter. “Press the button on this and roll it towards someone or something. There’s a five-second delay and then—bam!—it’ll go off. It should knock people unconscious in a sphere of an around… 20-meter diameter.”

“Why not?” Yuri shrugged, “I’ll take it too.”

“So where are you two from? Originally, I mean?” Johanne asked as Yuri paid and he wrapped the weapons. “I like to hear about all the places people come from.”

“IRG-86,” Otabek said.

“ORG-84,” Yuri looked at Johanne suspiciously. “Are you from here?”

“Yep, born and bred!” He laughed, handing Yuri his change. “You both came a long way, especially you, Georgi.”

“I guess we have,” Yuri agreed. 

“Well, here you are,” he smiled wider as he handed Yuri a plastic bag that seemed so innocent and quaint. And yet it was full of carefully wrapped weapons. “It was nice to meet you both.”

“You too,” Yuri said, unsure if he meant it or not. “Have a good day.”

“Have a good day,” Johanne repeated as Otabek and Yuri turned and headed back out of the store. 

As the door closed behind them, Yuri turned to smile at Otabek just slightly. 

“Let’s get something to eat.” 

\---

Lunch was a quiet affair, both young men staring out the large window next to their table and onto the crowds moving around outside. Yuri’s eyes were glued to a young woman waiting patiently across the street, checking her phone every so often either for the time or for a message. 

It was midday and the sun was shining through their window, illuminating the fingerprints still on their table, left by them and others. Yuri was picking uninterestedly at his meal of rice and chicken. It had a nice, nutty flavor but he wasn’t feeling very hungry. He found that he rarely was hungry these days. Otabek was about half done with his meal of vegetables and minced meat over rice. 

The restaurant was quiet, the chatter of the other patrons low and background. There were plants throughout the restaurant, giving the place a natural, cozy feeling. Yuri had mostly chosen it because it was quiet but the food was also authentic to the area and at the time, he’d been excited to try the local food. He just hadn’t expected his appetite to dry up just as they finished ordering. 

Yuri had a bad feeling and he didn’t know why. Today was beautiful and he was having a good time for the first time in a while. Even with all the stress piling up in the back of his mind, Yuri had been having run running around town like there was nothing back in the entire universe. 

“Hey, Otabek…” Yuri was surprised by how small his voice was, the light of midday doing nothing to make him feel more confident. “Did I make the wrong choice?”

“What do you mean?”

“This place is beautiful,” Yuri said quietly, putting down his fork. “Maybe I should have just resigned and disappeared to a place like this. I could live here, I think. I’ve spent my whole life doing things but I’m starting to see what people mean when they talk about slowing down. Everything is moving too quickly and I don’t know if I can keep this up for much longer.”

“You did what you thought was right.”

“When I was fifteen, I decided I wasn’t going to stop until I proved myself. I didn’t even know who I was proving myself to or how. Maybe I thought I could prove I was better than my father. Maybe I was trying to prove that the outer region was just as competent as the inner region. Probably, though, I was just trying to prove something to myself.” 

“I think we’re all trying to prove something to ourselves,” Otabek admitted. “I want to believe this universe is good and maybe I’m trying to prove that by doing all this.”

Yuri fell silent, still staring at the young woman with the phone. She raised it to her face as she either got or made a call, looking a little annoyed as she talked to the person on the other end. Then she sighed and smiled just slightly, obviously not able to remain angry with this other person. Yuri wondered who the other person was. A friend? A lover? A family member? All of the above?

“Do you think they’ll be able to do it?”

“Who?”

“This planet. Do you think they’ll be able to fight the military?” 

“I don’t know,” Otabek responded truthfully. “Nobody has so far.”

“Can we do it?”

“Huh?”

“Aren’t we fighting the military too? Are we going to end up dead soon?”

“I’d liked to imagine you won’t but I guess I can’t say for sure.”

“It felt so… possible when we ran. If felt like we could do something. But now everything is so much harder than I ever expected. It all seems so impossible.” 

“Not everything right will change the world.” Otabek’s eyes were glued on Yuri despite the other’s attention seeming to be directed outside. “Not everything that changes the world is right. You just need to keep trying to do right and that’s how things will get better.”

Yuri’s eyes were trained on the woman but Otabek didn’t know what he was looking at. Instead, Otabek found himself looking a the sunbathed Yuri across from him and getting the distinct feeling that all this was wrong and yet right. It felt like a dream, like a scene from a different story. He thought he might have been blessed since he was able to meet Yuri. He thought he might be blessed because this quiet moment of peace on a beautiful rebel planet was more than he ever expected when he left his home. 

“I just hope I’m doing what’s right. I just can’t help but think that maybe this was the wrong way to do it.”

“If nothing else, at least you can help Yuuri.”

“Am I helping him?” Yuri finally turned away from the window, a little surprised to find that Otabek was looking at him. “Or am I flying him away from his friends and family into a sure death?”

“Sometimes people are worth staying for,” Otabek said, repeating his advice to Seung-gil. “But sometimes, people are worth leaving for too.” 

Yuri wasn’t sure what he was going to respond, wasn’t sure if he even had anything to say, because all thoughts left his mind when he heard an exposition from the direction of the river. He looked out the window for only a second before he grabbed Otabek and dragged him to the ground. Only a second after they reached the group, another much larger explosion happened, shattering the window above them and raining glass down on their backs. 

Yuri stood slowly, the people around him in varying states of panic as they realized what had happened. The people sitting next to them hadn’t been as lucky as Yuri and Otabek, other bleeding badly thanks to the shattered glass. 

“Otabek, are you okay?” 

Otabek let out a small, affirmative sound and Yuri took that as a yes as he let his eyes drag across the rest of the room, taking stock of the injuries he could see. Then he took action. 

Yuri knew he might be the only one trained in first aid here, and first headed to the two that were near the window. They seemed to be the worst off in the room with most of the other patrons simply being very shaken by the event. 

“My name is Yuri, I’m trained in first aid, can I help you?”

“Umm, yeah,” the man said. “What’s happening?”

“There was an explosion, I’m not sure what’s going on. Can you tell me your name?”

“Nizar.”

“Where are you, Nizar?” Yuri asked looking over the man and then looking for some sort of first aid equipment. 

“At lunch with my girlfriend. At the West Garden Cafe.” 

“Good, good.” Yuri stood. “Give me a second, I need to find some bandages.” 

Yuri walked towards the back of the restaurant, hoping the staff had first aid. 

“Who are you?” Someone asked when he opened the door to the kitchen. The people in here looked physically okay but they were obviously terrified. 

“I’m Yuri and I’m first aid trained. Do you have a first aid kit or something?”

Another person rummaged around some cabinet before handing Yuri a medium sized plastic box. 

“It’s not much, but it’s all we have.”

“That’ll do, thank you.” Yuri smiled at the woman who handed him the box. “If any of you are injured please tell me. If you’re uninjured some help out front would be good. Also, someone should call in our situation to the authorities.” 

“I’m first aid trained too,” a different woman said, standing a little shakily. Despite that, her face was set. “I can help.”

“Thank you, I need it. What’s your name?” 

“Kassandra.” 

“Nice to meet you, Kassandra. We need to check as many people as we can to make sure there aren’t any serious injuries.” 

With that, Yuri left to reenter the front, heading back over to Nazir. 

“I’m back, Nazir, how are you feeling? Do you remember my name?”

“Yuri, right?” Yuri nodded. “I’m feeling alright.” 

“I’m going to do a pass over of you, okay? Tell me if anything hurts.”

Yuri did a quick head-to-toe examination of the man but there didn’t seem to be any injuries other than the collection of small cuts on his face. They were bad, but not life-threatening. 

“Okay, I’m going to move on and see who else is injured but if you start to feel worse, just shout for me.” 

“Okay.” He nodded and Yuri moved to the woman he was with. 

“Hello, are you Nazir’s girlfriend?” 

“Umm, uh, yes.” The woman was shaking and the had a big slash on her arm. There didn’t seem to be any glass in the wound, which was good. “Who are you?”

“I’m Yuri, I’m here to help patch you up, is that okay?” She nodded and Yuri started to clean and wrap her injury. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Aya.”

“Aya, that’s a nice name.” She flinched away as Yuri started to clean her wound. “Sorry, this will hurt a little. What do you do, Aya?”

“I’m a teacher,” she said, trying not to look at what Yuri was doing. “I teach high school.”

“That’s great. It must be hard, though, high schoolers can be tough.”

“They’re all good kids. They work hard.”

“That sounds really great. What do you teach?”

“History.”

“I’ve always loved history. Teach me something about the planet. I’m not from here.”

“It’s an un-terraformed planet. It was colonized originally as a mining planet. Once the mining dried up, though, it was all but abandoned. Then some ex-military members who were looking for a new start came and began to rebuild.” She was suddenly crying. “We just wanted peace. Why did this happen?”

“I don’t know, but it’ll be okay.” Yuri finished wrapping her arm. “There, that’s nice a clean now. If you’ll allow me, I’d like to do a head-to-toe examination.” 

“Okay,” she sniffled, rubbing away her tears as her eyes got suddenly steely. “Thank you.”

“It’s what I was trained to do,” Yuri said. 

Though he kept working, mentally his mind paused when it heard what he’d said. He wasn’t trained to do this, that was a lie. He was trained to run as far from humanity as he could. He was trained to leave it all behind for as long as possible.

“Well, you seem alright but if you feel even a little unwell, call for me, okay?”

“Okay.” 

As he stood to move to the next person, Otabek stood shakily and walked over to Yuri. 

“Are you alright?” Yuri asked. 

“I’m good, let me help. I’m trained too.” 

“The more hands the better.” Yuri looked at Kassandra. “Kassandra, this is my friend Otabek. He’ll be helping out too.”

She gave them a thumbs up and Yuri clapped Otabek on the shoulder. 

“You take that side and I’ll take this side.” Yuri smiled at Otabek, hoping to make the situation feel less dire. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Me too, I’m glad you’re fine.” 

“Well, let’s get to work.” 

Otabek nodded and as Yuri turned to get back to work, he took a moment to smile at his friend’s back, unsure how someone so great could think so poorly of themselves. 

\---

An ambulance got to them almost an hour after the explosion. They hadn’t had anyone critically injured so that was honestly faster than Yuri expected. 

“We were told you organized this area’s medical response,” a man said as he got Yuri’s attention. 

He had, indeed, helped to organize the restaurant and the surrounding area after everyone in the restaurant was taken care of. If Yuri was honest, he’d mostly done it so he could keep his mind off of what was happening. 

“I helped, I guess.”

“I’m Miran, the head of the west side response team and I’d like to thank you for your work.”

“It’s just what I had to do,” Yuri shrugged, feeling uncomfortable. “And I wasn’t the only one who did a lot of great work. You should talk to Kassandra, she was a huge help—”

“We did and she directed us to you.” Miran looked at Yuri with hard eyes. “I’m simply thanking you for your help. The military has made our rescue efforts difficult and we need all the help we can get right now.”

“Can you tell me what’s happening?” Yuri asked. “We haven’t gotten any information.”

“The city’s three main bridges were bombed. Two collapsed completely and one is only partially collapsed. We suspect it was the work of Military spies but right now the military is blaming it on terrorists unrelated to them.”

“Shit,” Yuri murmured. Mila had been right, the heat had come and they were on-planet. “Thanks for your information. I need to find my friends now.”

“Just so you know, the last two bridges have been closed so if you need to get back to the spaceport you’re going to have to wait until they either open those back up or reopen the river ferry.”

Yuri sighed and nodded, “Okay. Thanks.” 

“Thank you again.”

“It was nothing,” Yuri insisted before turning to find Otabek so that they could find a hotel room and also contact The Potya all while he tried to forget about that fact that he didn’t know where Mila and Emil had been during the explosion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There turned out to be more ground to cover in this chapter than I expected. Also, it is 7:30p on Sunday and, like, I really don't think I can finish the rest of this chapter by then. Chapter 27 will most likely be a little shorter than normal but that will be good because the finale is about to happen and, like, that is something I'm not really prepared for. I'm going to try not to take any long breaks until this is done, but I might have to if this finale kicks my ass as much as I think it will. 
> 
> So, here's the first half of this Otabek and Yuri centered min-arc and get ready for some really bad coping mechanisms to come crashing down next chapter. Again there will be two weeks wait. I wish I could write more but work has been kicking my ass for the last two weeks and now I'm also losing one of my weekends to start taking part-time Japanese classes (cause I've been living in Japan for almost a year and fuck I still can't speak Japanese help my shitty with languages ass) 
> 
> Apologies for the curse-laden final note, but when I've had too much sugar and caffeine I get more cursey than normal. 
> 
> Finally, if you want to support me use the link below to go to my Tumblr. There's more info there. 
> 
> Thank you for bearing with me and my inability to write after work because I'm so fucking tired and so Sunday's are the only days I get any writing done. 
> 
> Love you all <3 <3 <3


	28. I Know You Can't Always Love Yourself But That's Why I'm Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How many goodbyes is too many?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is 10:50p on Sunday and I just finished this chapter but I FINISHED IT BEFORE SUNDAY WAS OVER. I apologize for it being unedited.

When they arrived in their hotel room, Yuri collapsed onto the bed, more tired than he had been in years. He felt as emotionally exhausted as he was physically. When Otabek sat on the bed next to his, Yuri turned it head to look at the other man. 

Otabek wasn’t looking much better than Yuri felt. He was tired and just looked drained. 

They didn’t say anything to each other, Yuri instead pulling out his communicator and seeing that the reason for his lack of messages was the fact that it had no internet access. Connecting quickly to the hotel’s internet, he was happy to see messages from Sara popping up first, then missed calls, and finally messages and missed calls from Mila. 

Yuri called Mila first, worried about where they were. She picked up quickly, sounding more than a little relieved.

“Captain! You’re okay!” 

“Sorry, I’ve been cut off until now.” Yuri sighed, laying out on the bed. “Otabek and I are fine but we’ll be stuck on the west side for a little bit. There’s no way for us to get back east right now.”

“We heard,” Mila told him. “We’re worried that the military is going to be here soon. Have you seen the news coverage?”

“No, we just got into a hotel. It was hard to find one with vacancies. Are you and Emil alright?”

“Yeah, we were heading back to the ferry when it happened. It took a while but we were able to get back to the spaceport. Everyone is on The Potya.”

“Can you put Sara on for a second?”

“I’m heading up there right now— It’s the Captain,” she said to someone else, her mouth away from the receiver. “Yeah, they’re alright. I’m going to hand him over to Sara. Okay, I’ll tell him.” Then she was back talking to him. “Yuuri says he’s glad you’re both okay.” 

“Yeah, I’m glad too.”

“Sara, it’s the Captain,” Mila exclaimed, her mouth again away from the receiver but still loud in Yuri’s ear. “He wants to talk to you.”

“Captain, thank god!” Sara said as she took the phone. “I was so worried.” 

“We’re alright, but I don’t know how long we’ll be stuck here. If the military comes looking for a fight, I want you to take The Potya out of here.”

“Captain—”

“That’s an order.”

Sara sighed, “Yes, sir.” 

“I’m glad everyone is alright.”

“We are too. We’ll be waiting for your next update but I think we’re all tired right now.”

“You’re right,” Yuri looked at Otabek, whose eyes were already blinking sleepily. “We need to get some sleep and you should too.” 

“Talk to you later.”

“Yep.” 

He cut the communication and rolled over to look at Otabek.

“Do you mind if I put on the news? I just want to see what’s going on.”

“That’s fine,” Otabek said. “I like sleeping with background noise.” 

Yuri nodded and turned on the TV to a Universal news channel. Otabek had already crawled under the covers and looked half asleep. 

Universal news wasn’t the most reliable—it was easy tricked by misinformation and propaganda—but knowing that allowed Yuri to watch it and figure out what the government didn’t want people to know. 

“—trade routes were disrupted by the disagreement between the two galaxies, but has been cleared up. That’s all the news for now, let’s get back to the coverage of the terrorist attack in ORG-78. Back to you Jonathan.”

“Thank you, Jackie,” the man was standing in front of a government building, obviously far from ORG-78. “The government confirmed that terrorists attacked a former mining planet in ORG-78. Three bridges were hit, with two completely destroyed. The city has been shut down out of fear of more attacks and it is unclear when things will reopen. Casualty reports are coming in slowly but since last time, the fatality numbers have increased. Currently, 310 people are confirmed dead with 500 critically injured patients. There were a huge amount of secondary injuries caused by broken glass and some small building collapses in nearby areas. Currently, though, there are at least a thousand people unaccounted for. Military officials fear that the death toll will rise considerably in the coming days. The Military has also announced it will be sending aid in the form of both the Universal Surgeons and also The Constellation Force for protection.”

Of course, they were using this to hide the reason why they were sending The Constellation Force to the planet. In all likelihood, nobody off planet would ever know for sure that the planet had tried to rebel. 

The news moved onto videos of the disaster as well as interviews with various people from the Military. There was a distinct lack of civilian interviews, most likely because the news people weren’t allowed anywhere near the planet. The news didn’t have much else to say about the event, but they just kept talking. Yuri kept watching because despite his tiredness, he was a dysfunctional person. Even when Otabek began to breathe softly next to him, obviously asleep, Yuri could stop watching. After about an hour of coverage, they returned to the newsroom for coverage of other news. 

“Now for today’s other news. To start with, The Military has made a deal with IRG-134 to end the fighting between The Military and terrorists on the planet. They have asked for an end to the violence that has lead to the deaths of many civilians. Hopefully, IRG-134 can finally get some peace. 

This new footage arrived in the last hour from the military funeral service for the crew of The Nijinsky.”

Yuri sat up straighter, too numb to be afraid of what the news was saying. 

“Following a valiant rescue in IRG-134, the crew of The Nijinsky was unfortunately lost along with civilians they were attempting to evacuate from a badly damaged building. Remains of any who had been inside have still not been found. Search efforts have been hampered by terrorist activity in the area so a time for retrieval is unknown.”

Yuri watched in horror as the news played video from his funeral. From the funeral of his crew. He saw Mila’s mother, red-eyed but not crying. Then he saw The Crispinos, looking almost angry. He wondered if they simply didn’t believe their children were dead or if they thought the government had killed them. 

It couldn’t be real. This couldn’t be true. 

Last, and of course worst, was his mama. Her eyes were glazed over and she didn’t even look sad, just numb. In the video, someone was trying to talk to her but she could barely focus on their faces. She gave some answers, looking small as she did. And Yuri found his numbness turning to anger. 

Yuri slid off the bed, grabbing his jacket and fleeing the room, his anger making him need to do something. Anything. He just didn’t want to wake up Otabek.

He headed for the stairwell and was happy to find the roof door was unlocked and had no alarm. Once he was on the roof, alone as night truly closed in around them, Yuri pulled his jacket off and threw it as hard as he could, letting out a strangled shout as he did. 

It wasn’t fair. He was trying so hard and this wasn’t fucking fair. 

He ran at the jacket, kicking it despite a crumpled jacket not being a very good target. 

“Fuck this!” He screamed, not caring if anyone at street level could hear him. 

He let out another long scream, picking up his jacket and throwing it again. He wanted to hit something. He wanted to throw things. He wanted to have a temper tantrum like he was seven. He wanted the entire universe to know that it didn’t get to fuck with him like this. 

As he picked his jacket up to throw again, the roof door opened and despite the person’s face being shadowed, Yuri could easily see it was Otabek. 

“Fuck,” he said, this time quiet and to himself. 

He didn’t want Otabek to see him like this, didn’t want anyone to see him. He was acting like a child and he knew it. Not like a starship captain with a number of huge responsibilities on his shoulders. 

“Yuri, are you alright? I heard the door shut and I wasn’t sure what happened.” Otabek sounded so genuinely concerned that Yuri didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know how to feel. 

“Sorry,” Yuri murmured, his anger collapsing in on itself as he felt himself trying to break apart. “I didn’t mean to worry you.” 

Otabek stepped onto the roof, walking slowly towards Yuri as if he was waiting for Yuri to tell him to stop. And maybe he was doing just that. 

“Yuri, what’s wrong?” 

“It’s nothing…”

Otabek reached Yuri, looking at him with worried eyes. Yuri was sure Otabek’s eyes had adjusted to the darkness now and could see how terrible he looked. He could probably see the tears stinging at Yuri’s eyes. 

“It doesn’t look like nothing.”

“The news… The Military held a funeral for me and the crew. They told the world we were dead. My mama was there and she– she looked so alone. Grandpa wasn’t even there with her. It was just her, alone at the funeral for her son.” Yuri’s knees had been shaking since he started speaking and finally, they gave out, Otabek catching him before he fell, lowering Yuri slowly to the ground. “I killed us. The Military doesn’t care if we live anymore. They want us dead. They’re going to kill us all and it’s my fault.”

“Yuri, this isn't your fault.”

“Yes, it is!” Yuri pulled away from Otabek, falling back and hitting the ground hard. He barely noticed, though, wanting so badly to run away from Otabek and this planet and from all the things he'd done wrong. He wanted, even more, to run from the way it made him feel. “I led us all here. I'm the captain and I'm the one who holds the responsibility. You can say that's not true all you want, but it is. A captain is responsible for their entire crew and that's all there is to it.”

“Fine, you're responsible for the choices you make but there's a difference between taking responsibility and letting them tear you apart.” Otabek looked like he was going to grab Yuri but he didn't. “Today you helped a good fifty or more strangers who were hurt and scared. You didn't even think twice. You organized people who could help and you looked after those who couldn't. You are a good person and even if everything you've done isn't great, overall you're a good person. You helped people today. You helped Seung-gil and Phichit and Guang Hong and Leo. You're helping Yuuri. You're helping me.” Otabek reached out slowly and Yuri let Otabek put a hand on his shoulder. “Don't you see? You're exactly what I always believed the Military could be. You're the good that makes this universe worth it.”

Yuri cracked, his mind unable to keep itself together any longer. There was just too much stress pushing on him and it made him feel so young and so stupid. 

Tears spilled from his tired eyes as words spilled from his tired lips, his brain unable to stop the words that were flowing out into the open air where they didn't belong. 

“I just want to go home! I thought this was what I wanted. A ship. Responsibility. Freedom. It all seemed so great when I was 16 or 12 or 7. It seemed like a good idea but it wasn't. It just hurts and I don't want to be the good person anymore. I want to be the person whose life is easy and makes sense. I want to be something other than the idiot I've turned out to be.” 

Otabek moved carefully to pull Yuri into a hug, surprising Yuri more than anything he could have said. Yuri let the hug happened, burying his face in Otabek’s shoulder despite his wishing that Otabek hadn't seen this.

“I just want to go home and lay on my couch with Mama. I want her to run her hands through my hair and sing to me. I want her to tell me stupid stories about my father. I want my grandpa to tell stories of being an explorer. I want to have never even thought about being a ship captain. I want to have been content on the ground. I want to be more like Mama and her parents, happy on the ground if it means being with family. I want to be rid of this Plisetsky bullshit that made me itch for the stars.”

“You're allowed to second guess yourself. You're allowed to want an easier life.” Otabek’s hug tightened just a little. “You’re here now and you're living with shit you shouldn't have to, but you can do it. You will survive this. We will survive this. Together.”

Yuri's fists tightened around Otabek's thin jacket. They'd both bought new jackets today because it was colder than expected but they only had military jackets. Maybe it was a good thing Yuri hadn't been wearing his military jackets, otherwise he'd have probably thrown it off the roof. He rather liked his new jacket, though, so for as aggressive as he had been, he hadn't wanted to do too much damage to the clothing. 

“Together is scary.”

“I know”

“What if I lose someone?”

“Bad things happen to good people.”

“I'm afraid I’m going to be outmatched past The Edge.”

“That's why we have each other,” Otabek reminded him. “There are things we can't do alone, but you don't have to do them alone. You have a strong crew who will fight for each other as much as the universe. You have Yuuri. You have all the people who aren't on The Potya who are helping.”

Yuri almost asked if he had Otabek, but that was a step too far even for Yuri's broken and tired mind. He had a family on The Potya and that would be enough without Otabek. The addition of Otabek wouldn't be unwanted, but he wouldn't want to put Otabek in an uncomfortable position. He also wasn't sure if he could stand being turned down by Otabek, at least not right now. 

After a long stretch of silence in which Yuri was able to reign in his emotions, Yuri pulled away from Otabek, who quickly released the other man. 

“I’m afraid of failing them.”

“If you keep doing good, you'll never disappoint anyone who matters,” Otabek told him reassuredly. “That's what my mama told me when I called saying I couldn't work for the universal police. I told her I couldn't do it and I'd probably have to come home. I apologized for failing her and she told me that I didn't fail. I wanted to do good, I wanted to make the universe good, and if leaving the Universal Police was what I had to do, then I hadn't failed anyone who really matters.”

“Your mama sounds pretty smart.”

“She is. And she's resilient. She raised two kids in a war zone while also working as a teacher at a time when schools weren't just fair game, they were considered good targets. She is a pillar of strength and I got most of my strength from her.” Otabek stood and helped Yuri to his feet, walking over to pick up his discarded jacket, dusting it off before handing it back. “I'd bet that your mama is the same way, so don't worry too much about her.”

“You're right,” Yuri said, pulling on his jacket and then taking a few steps towards Otabek, throwing his arms around Otabek's neck. “ Thank you, for helping me.”

“It was the right thing to do.”

“But you didn't have to. I would have been happy to be left alone, but… I needed to talk to someone, I think. Thanks.”

\---

“...we’re not sure when—” Yuri's conversation with Mila was interrupted by a knock at the hotel door. “Give me a second.”

“What's up?” 

“Not sure…”

“Be careful.” Mila had been extremely anxious since finding out this planet was in rebellion and the bridge attack had done nothing to assuage those fears. 

“I'm sure it's nothing.”

“I'll stay on the line.” 

“Sounds good to me.”

Otabek stood along with Yuri, both of the heading to the door and opening it hesitantly. They were both surprised—and a bit concerned—when they were faced with a man in a police uniform. 

“Hello?” Yuri asked, uncertainty opening the door all the way. “Can I help you?”

“Are you Yuri and, umm,” the man looked at a piece of paper in his hand. “Otabek?” 

“Can I ask who you are?” Yuri wasn’t sure whether or not to be worried. 

“I’m with the local police. We’ve been looking all day for the person who helped people out in the café district. We got the names Yuri and Otabek from the people around there.”

“Oh, well, in that case, you’re in the right place,” Yuri said with a relieved laugh. “Honestly, I thought maybe you were Military Police.”

“Nope, just plain old police,” he said, smiling. “I’m Sami Al-Fadhli. We heard you need to get back to the space station.”

“That is one of our current goals,” Yuri agreed. “You still have control of the space station?”

“For now,” Sami looked uncertain for a second before confidence and good humor returned. “But I’m sure we’ll be able to keep it for a while yet.”

“I hope so,” Yuri sighed, glad to know his crew would be safe for now. “You all deserve as much freedom as you can get.” 

“Glad to hear you think so.” Sami seemed at ease with Yuri and Otabek and all Yuri could think about was the fact that if Sami knew who they really were, he wouldn’t be so at ease. “And I’m here to offer you passage over one of the intact bridges. We have severely limited crossing right now to protect the bridges as well as the citizens, but we think you both deserve something for everything you did.”

“It really wasn’t a big deal,” Yuri said quietly, shifting uncomfortably in the face of Sami’s praise. “Not that I’m going to turn down this chance. My crew is basically having a heart attack right now.”

“Well, you can tell them not to worry.” Sami smiled wider. “Pack up your things and meet me downstairs. I’ll take you to the space ferry ASAP.” 

“Thank you,” Yuri said. “It means a lot.”

“It’s the least we can do,” Sami repeated. “See you again soon.” 

\---

Along with a few other people who Yuri guessed had helped out during the attack they were taken across one of the outer bridges to the ferry station. After being cleared to go up to the space station, Yuri and Otabek said goodbye to the police officer who’d come to retrieve them.

“Thank you again,” Sami said before they boarded the ferry. “I know this probably wasn’t the best trip, but if you can you should visit us again.”

“We’ll try,” Yuri said genuinely. “This is a nice city.”

“Glad to hear it,” Sami smiled at them. “Safe travels.”

“Good luck to all of you.”

As the doors closed Yuri realized that even if he didn’t think these people had much of a chance, he still felt strangely hopeful. He thought that maybe if anyone had a chance, they did. They had heart and they had resilience and they had so much to protect. He just hoped that The Military wouldn’t take that away from them. 

\---

Mila was the first one to meet them when they got back to the ship and the first thing she did was hug Yuri tightly, her concern washing over him as they embraced quietly. 

“I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“I’m glad you’re okay too,” Yuri said quietly, suddenly realizing how close they’d both come to dying again. At this rate, The Military was going to succeed at killing them. “What the hell are we doing?”

Mila released Yuri and gave him a confident smirk. “We’re doing the only thing we can do. Fighting.”

“Okay,” Yuri said with a nod. “I guess it’s time to go. I’ll go tell Sara and Mickey to head towards ORG-79.”

As Yuri stepped around Mila to head to the bridge Mila took a step towards Otabek, taking a moment to think before giving him a quick but tight hug. 

“Thanks for looking out for each other.”

“Umm, of course,” Otabek said, uncertain how to handle this sudden kindness from Mila. She stopped being hostile towards him a while ago but she still hadn’t been exactly warm. 

“You’re a good guy,” Mila said, nodding. “I’m glad you were with the Captain.” 

“Without him, I’d probably be way worse off,” Otabek admitted, remembering Yuri grabbing him and pulling him to the ground. “And he was… incredible own there.”

“That’s Yuri for you,” Mila smiled proudly. “He’s incredible.”

Otabek was pretty sure that Yuri was the most incredible person he’d ever met and he was sure that Yuri had the potential to be more than great. He had the potential to be a legend. 

\---

Yuri was awake before Otabek which seemed to be the norm for them. Even when Otabek planned to wake up early—and even if he said nothing about it to Yuri—he’d always be second to wake up. This morning was no different, with Otabek being woken by an announcement from Yuri that they’d just come into orbit around the planet where Otabek would finish his mission. 

“Cirta has asked us to wait for an hour before landing on the planet,” Yuri said. “Their port is small and they are busy today. I know it’s early but everyone should take this hour to get ready for our landing.”

Cirta was a small city-planet that was smaller than the average city during the Grounded Modern Period. It was in ORG-79, a large galaxy near The Edge. The galaxy itself had to most habitable planets in the outer region, making it one of the most populated galaxies in the entire universe. ORG-79 was a great galaxy to get lost in and Cirta was a great city to be forgotten in. 

It was the perfect place to hide from something terrible you did, but Otabek wasn’t going to let this man hide anymore. 

When Otabek finished getting ready—it only took him about seven minutes—he headed to the kitchen to get some breakfast. When he got there, he was surprised to find the entire crew already sitting around the table, looking at a map of the city that he’d been using to make an attack plan. 

“Hello?” Otabek basically asked, unsure what was going on.

“Good, Otabek, you’re here,” Yuri said, “There’s coffee and breakfast in the kitchen. We’re making plans.”

“We?”

“Yeah, we,” Yuri rolled his eyes. “What do you mean we?”

“Well, I assumed you’d just drop me in Cirta and then head on. After all, I need to head back to the capital after this.” 

“We’re not going to leave you to do this alone,” Mila said, looking at Otabek like he was crazy. “Even if you can, there’s no way I’m going to chance this monster getting away. We’re here and we’re going to help you.”

“Well, thank you,” Otabek said his voice quiet as he headed into the kitchen to get something to eat. He wasn’t used to having help—by necessity The Universal Joint Military Civilian Criminal Regulatory Force sent its people alone on missions—and didn’t know what to say. “Do you have a plan, then?”

“We think that the best idea is to have you and Yuri go directly to the guy and the rest of us will position ourselves at his possible exit points. He’ll probably run so we don’t want his disappearing too far into the city. It’s a mess and if we’re not careful, we’re going to lose him,” Mila explained, pointing out where they’d put markers to show the exit points.

“That, or he could slip by us and head to the spaceport,” Mickey added. “Which we definitely don’t want.” 

“Mickey and Emil will stand here,” Yuri said, pointing to one spot on the map. “Mila and Sara will be here, and Yuuri will be our last line of defense but we’re not sure the best place to put him.”

“I think here,” Otabek said, pointing out his idea on the map. “If he takes a back way that isn’t on this map, then I think this is around where he’ll come out. We should have the element of surprise on our side but I still think there’s a good chance he’s planned for someone finding him. As much as he probably thinks he got off scot-free, I don’t think he’s stupid enough to not have a contingency plan.” 

“Well, we’ll just have to stop him before he can put that into action,” Mila said confidently. “Now, we need to figure out how to get him to answer the door for you two.

“Pizza delivery,” Emil offered, earning him an eyeball from Mila and Yuri. “No?”

“I doubt a guy on the run uses many delivery services,” Yuri said. 

“What about new neighbors coming to say hello?” Sara asked.

“I’m not sure how friendly people around on this planet,” Otabek said. “That might be strange.”

“He’s not from here, though, so he might not realize.” 

“I don’t know,” Otabek said. “Usually I just knock and say I’m there to fix something. Most people will at least come to the door to say that there’s nothing to fix and that I have the wrong house. His apartment is supposed to be on the top floor so I don’t think we have to worry about him making a speedy escape. I’m pretty sure this building doesn’t even have a fire-escape so we should be fine.” 

“So, what’s this guy’s name, anyway?” Mickey asked.

“His real name is Blaine Harper but right now he’s going by Lester Anderson.” 

“Anything else we should know?”

“He used to play rugby, but that was years ago. I don’t think he’s still in shape.” 

“Well,” Yuri said, looking around at everyone. “Guess we’re ready. Once we land, we’ll all meet in the cargo bay. Until then, do anything you need to to get ready.” 

\---

When everyone was in position, Yuri and Otabek started to move towards the apartment where Blaine Harper was supposed to live. 

“Are you nervous?” Yuri asked. 

“Not really,” Otabek told him truthfully. “This is just what I do. This isn’t the first time and it probably won’t be the last. What about you?”

“Surprisingly, no. I think this might actually be the lowest stakes thing I’ve done in a while.” Yuri laughed a little. “Now, you ready to get this asshole?”

Otabek nodded and they both entered the apartment building, heading for the stairwell and the long climb up to Blaine’s apartment. 

It was an old build and obviously not well kept. The lights weren’t particularly bright and a few seemed to be out. The dim lights didn’t scare Yuri—he was used to dim lights or even darkness from growing up on Velirov, where night was long and people didn’t have a whole lot of money—but they did make him a little more wary. 

Otabek was wary too. He had grown up in an apartment not so different from this one and he knew that plenty of places like this were full of great people who just didn’t have the means to take great care of the place or who had a landlord who didn’t care much about their low rent tenants. 

But he’d learned a lot on the job and one thing he learned was that a lot of places like this weren’t like the apartment he grew up in. A lot of places like this were magnets for people like Blaine. Many of these apartments were full of people who didn’t trust anyone they didn’t know. They didn’t even trust most people they knew. They were the kind of people who wouldn’t trust two strangers wandering around their apartment building. This was also the kind of place where people would have a warning system that could let everyone in the building know that Yuri and Otabek were inside. 

If it was that kind of place, they could easily find themselves trapped and outnumbered. 

They made it to the top floor with no incident and found the door they were looking for.

“Ready?” Otabek asked in a low voice.

“Ready,” Yuri responded and then Otabek reached up to knock on the door. 

“Who is it?” Someone called from inside, sounding angry. 

“Who do you think?” Otabek called back, sounding suddenly aggressive. “You’ve made enough complaints so I’m here to check your toilet.” 

The door swung open, revealing a middle-aged man who wasn’t obviously the man from the pictures in Otabek’s files, but who looked a lot like him. He had a beard and short hair, both with some gray hairs showing up. He looked angry but not particularly worried, which was good for them. 

“Who the fuck are you?” He snarled, looking over Otabek and Yuri and seeming unimpressed. 

“Don’t recognize your own landlord?” Otabek snarled back. “I ‘ought to kick your ass out of here after all your complaining.” 

“Excuse me if I don’t know what you look like, you’ve never shown your face here.” He rolled his eyes. “And I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’ve never made a complaint to you or anyone else.”

“Don’t play stupid with me, Gregor, you call to complain every goddamn morning.”

“My name isn’t fucking Gregor, you have the wrong room.”

“Is this some sort of game? Wanna fuck with your landlord?” Yuri was doing his best not to give Otabek a look like he’d lost his mind. “Let us in to fix the damn toilet.” 

“My name is Lester, not Gregor,” he shouted back, looking about ready to attack Otabek. “Now leave me alone.”

“Wait, Lester? Lester Anderson?” Otabek asked.

“Yes, that’s my fucking name. Are we going to have a problem?” 

“No, no problem here,” Otabek said, his angry demeanor dropping and Yuri thought he saw a hint of concern in Blaine’s face. “I would like to ask you a few questions.”

“Like what?”

“How long have you lived here?”

“How come you don’t know that?”

“I meant on the planet.”

“Why the fuck do you care?”

“Where are you originally from?”

“Fuck you, I’m a native.” 

“With that accent, I doubt it.” Otabek looked at Blaine with a look of disinterest. “Blaine Harper, you’re under arrest for three counts of first-degree murder and one count of attempted murder.” 

Blaine’s face went from anger to fear in a second and before Otabek or Yuri could stop him, he bolted, grabbing Otabek’s legs as he ran. Otabek fell and after a few skipping steps, Blaine was able to regain his footing and began to run to the staircase. 

“He’s on the run!” Yuri shouted into his communicator as he ran after Blaine. “Everyone on guard.” 

With that, he put the communicator away and picked up his speed. He wasn’t letting this son of a bitch get away.

\---

When the call came in that he was on the run, Mila and Sara stood at sudden attention, wondering if he’d actually come in their direction. Mila had her gun safely at her side but she hoped she wouldn’t have to use it. Sara had one of the stun weapons that Yuri had bought. He’d planned to give the other one to Mickey but had decided to give it to Emil for this mission since he was better with a gun. He’d considered doing the same with Mila and Sara—Mila would surely be a better shot—but had decided that she should have a real gun.

Suddenly a man ran from the street where Yuri and Otabek had taken and he turned towards Mila and Sara. Sara reached for her stun gun and, seeing that movement, the man turned on his heel and sprinted in the other direction. 

“Hey!” Mila shouted while Sara pulled out her communicator to update everyone. 

Just as Blaine past his street, Yuri came flying out behind him and not long behind was Otabek. Blaine still had a good amount of distance on them and Sara didn’t think she could properly use her stun gun. 

As Blaine approached Emil and Mickey he noticed that Emil was pulling out a gun too and sped up. 

“Watch out!” Yuri shouted through gulping breaths but it was too late, Blaine rammed into Emil’s shins before he could understand what was happening and he was down. 

Blaine stood to run but Mickey lunged at him, grabbing onto him and pulling them both to the ground, landing a hit on his cheek but not doing much damage. For a moment Blaine looked a little dazed but then he punched Mickey in the stomach and kicked him away, standing to run, Yuri much closer now and he decided to leave Emil to check on Mickey once he got up. 

Just as Blaine made it out onto the main road, his body language saying he thought he was free, a body came out of nowhere, colliding with him and sending them both tumbling to the ground. As Yuri slowed to a stop at this scene he found Yuuri wrestling Blaine. It only took him half a minute or so to get Blaine in an armbar, leaving Blaine unable to move.

“Nice Katsuki,” Yuri said, huffing as he caught his breath.

“Blaine Harper,” Otabek said through gasps when he caught up. “You’re under arrest.” 

\---

While Otabek got Blaine processed at the local police station, Mickey got checked over but Yuri. He was pretty much fine, though, after he got over the initial discomfort and nausea. Nobody else had been seriously injured, just a handful of scrapes and bruises from those who’d been knocked to the ground. Or, in the case of Yuuri, had knocked someone else to the ground. 

When he was sure everyone was alright, Yuri headed over to the police station to see if Otabek needed any help. He was relieved when the police officers let him in without many questions, probably because Otabek had mentioned he had some help taking in Blaine. 

“Who’re things looking?” Yuri asked, surprising Otabek enough to make him jump. “Sorry. Forgot about that whole ‘easy scared when working’ thing.” 

“It’s fine,” Otabek said with a deep exhale. “I really need to get over it.” 

“Nah, you’re cool.” Yuri peered over Otabek’s shoulder. “What’s that?”

“My report.” When Yuri gave him a worried look Otabek smiled a little. “Don’t worry, I gave all the credit for helping to the local police.” 

Yuri laughed, “That’s good. That would be quite the way for The Military to find us.” 

“It really would be,” Otabek’s smile faded as he turned to look at the computer.

Yuri’s smiled faded too, “When do you head back?”

“They’ll send someone to pick up Blaine and me as soon as they can.” 

Yuri’s heart hurt in a way he didn’t recognize or like. It was different than all the other goodbyes he’d dealt with and he hated it. It didn’t hurt as much as saying goodbye to his Mama or to Grandpa. It wasn’t as hard as leaving the USEA. It wasn’t anything like leaving his former passengers. It burned and he didn’t know how to account for that. Didn’t know what it meant. 

“It’s stupid but there’s part of me that wants to ask you not to go back,” Yuri admitted, the words escaping his mind before he realized what was happening. “I want to ask you to stay even though I know you have things you need to do.”

“I–” Otabek would turn away from the computer, but Yuri could hear the conflict in his voice. “I would… Staying sounds…”

He stood suddenly and turned, his face hard as he stepped over to Yuri, pulling him into a tight hug. 

“If I can stay with you, I will. For now, though, let’s say goodbye.” 

Yuri took a deep breath, returning the hug as he did his best not to let tears fall from his watering eyes. 

“Goodbye.”

\---

The next morning, The Potya’s crew was finishing the loading of goods they’d traded for using some of the stuff they’d picked up in ORG-78. There were a lot of food goods from ORG-78 that were apparently nearly impossible to get on ORG-79 and so had been worth a lot. 

Yuri decided to try some trading when he realized there were a lot of Cirtan vendors selling long-lasting food products. Those types of food products would be invaluable in their coming travel and Yuri was starting to realize that they might not be prepared for what was about to come. 

They were about to load the last few boxes when Mila spoke up with a simple, “Huh.”

“What?” Yuri asked, uncertain what that sound meant. 

Instead of answering, Mila simply pointed and Yuri was forced to follow her finger. But, he found himself with only one response to what she was pointing at and that was a slack jaw combined with a simple, “huh?” 

Jogging towards the Potya was Otabek, looking like he’d run the entire way there. When he stopped in front of the crew, he bent over, taking almost a minute to catch his breath. While he did, Yuri felt like he was going to explode thanks to the anticipation over what Otabek had run here to say. 

When he finally caught his breath, Otabek straightened up and gave Yuri a small smile.

“Room for one more?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UUUUUGGGGGHHHH I have no clue how I finished this but I did. I may have to take a small hiatus after the next chapter because we have five chapters (approx) left and four of those are the finale arc so I'd like time to write more of that before starting it. I'll tell you for sure in two weeks when I post the next chapter. I'm currently playing a fun game called 'how many things can I do at once before they all collapse in on me' so I don't have a lot of time for writing. I'm basically working, studying, and writing at the same time plus trying to like stay in shape and shit so........ 
> 
> But, wow! Five more chapters (and probably a sixth short epilogue chapter). I cannot believe it. If you asked me two years ago if I thought I'd ever write a fanfic (or any story for that matter) that was over 100K words, I would have called you crazy. Thanks for sticking with me through the hiatuses and also my constant complaining in the notes of my fics haha. 
> 
> Oh, I almost forgot! For anyone interested, I am starting to post small bits of information, notes, and other stuff relating to this fic on my ko-fi page. I will try and post on "off Sundays" but I'm not going to make promises. This is a (bad quality) scan of the map I made like over a year ago for this fic. It's low quality but I think my next post will be better quality images of the map. It's not completely canon at this point since it was basically the first draft of this fic, but it is still very useful. 
> 
>  
> 
> [basic map](https://ko-fi.com/Blog/Post/Our-Eyes-Were-Full-of-Stars---Old-Star-Chart-C0C7KJI4?justpublished=true)


	29. I Crossed the Stars But I Swear We Aren't Star Crossed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a long way home, especially if you don't know where home is.

_Yuuri was staring up at the rings surrounding Gallia when Viktor finally arrived. The rings were beautiful and Yuuri wondered if people on Gallia took them for granted. He wondered if people knew just how beautiful they were._

_“Sorry for being late,” Viktor said, Makkachin at his heels looking impatient. “Work called.”_

_“They should really leave you alone on your days off,” Yuuri said before adding, “You should tell them to leave you alone on your days off.”_

_“I know,” Viktor agreed even though Yuuri suspected he wasn't about to take Yuuri’s advice. “You ready?”_

_Viktor held out a hand and Yuuri gladly took it. It was December and Gallia got cold in the winter, colder than Yuuri still wasn't used to._

_“Let's go,” Yuuri smiled at Viktor. “Happy birthday.”_

_It was actually a few days after Viktor's birthday but they both been busy on the actual day. Yuuri had texted a happy birthday on his birthday, but they'd made plans to go over to Viktor's parents’ house for dinner._

_Yuuri liked Viktor's parents—they were incredibly kind people—but he still got nervous around them. Viktor insisted they loved Yuuri but he could never be sure. He could think of plenty of reasons for them to not like him._

_The two of them walked together quietly, both caught in their own minds without realizing the other was too. It was only when they were nearly to Viktor's parents’ house when Viktor spoke._

_“Do you like Gallia?”_

_“Sure,” Yuuri said, blinking at Viktor. “You're here.”_

_“And if I wasn't?”_

_Yuuri shrugged, not wanting to think about it too much. “I guess I'd rather go home and be with my family.”_

_Viktor stopped walking and Yuuri paused, hand on the gate they were supposed to be walking through._

_“Sometimes this doesn't feel like home. Gallia, I mean.” Viktor looked down, refusing to meet Yuuri's eyes. “Sometimes I feel like I should be somewhere else.”_

_“Where?” Yuuri asked, pulling his hand off the gate._

_“I don't know, but it feels like something is pulling me away. Sometimes when I dream I swear I can hear a voice calling me somewhere.”_

_“Well…” Yuuri thought for a moment before leaning up to give Viktor a quick kiss. “If you ever need to leave, make sure you take me with you.”_

_“Really?” Viktor looked surprised. “You would do that?”_

_Yuri smiled, his free hand playing with the small box in his pocket._

_“I'd go anywhere if you were by my side.”_

_Viktor smiled widely, his eyes regaining their brightness before he leaned over to give Yuuri a kiss too._

_“Me too. I'd stay your side no matter what.”_

_Yuuri smiled, feeling content as he let go of the box in his pocket to push open the gate. He was nervous—that was often true—but he was pretty sure he'd made all the right choices._

\---

There was no big to do when they reached The Edge of Space. There was no feeling like something was different. There had been more of a difference when crossing from the inner to the outer region. 

In the control room, Sara was carefully pulling the ship out of warp. Alone in the control room, she felt a sort of call come over here. Maybe it was simply the calm before the storm, but she liked to think it was her finally getting used to this. This was supposed to be there job and it was sometimes hard to remember that, given how much she was starting to hate being out here. Of course, that wasn't because of space, but because of the people in the space. Sara just wished there were more good people out here than the handful they'd met on the way. 

The Potya felt like an island and Sara was starting to think she was going to go crazy out here.

In Mickey's room, Emil had his arms wrapped around Mickey as they both tried to get some sleep. It was hard because of the feeling that something was about to happen hung in the air. 

“Will we be okay?” Emil asked quietly as he rubbed the palm of Mickey's hand with his thumb. “Will we be able to find him?”

“I think so,” Mickey responded, though to which questions, Emil wasn't sure. He didn't ask and Mickey didn't clarify. 

“What're we going to do if we do find him? Even if Yuuri and Viktor live happily ever after, what about us? What're we going to do?”

Mickey remained quiet, finding that for as much as he wanted to answer Emil, he didn't have an answer. 

“Do we die out here?”

“I hope not,” Mickey said. “Personally, I'm not planning on dying.”

“Me neither,” Emil agreed, closing his eyes as Mikey brought Emil's hand to his lips. “We should sleep.”

“I don't think we have much time left to.”

“We should still try.”

Mickey closed his eyes, letting his silence speak for him. He would try to sleep even though they both knew sleep was a long shot.

Across from Mickey’s room, Yuri was asleep. He and Otabek had decided to make some plans for when and how Yuri would start the process of releasing military secrets to the universe. Because his desk only had one chair, they’d opted to sit side-by-side on Yuri's bed, a laptop on each other laps and other papers strew all over the bed.

After about thirty minutes of work, Yuri had started to nod off, sleep finally making an attempt to capture him.

“Yuri, you should get some sleep,” Otabek said quietly as Yuri's head nodded. 

“'M fine,” he mumbled, his words barely coherent. “Just resting my eyes a little.”

“You need sleep. You won't do your best if you're tired.”

“Just let me finish this,” Yuri insisted, forcing his eyes open. “We've almost go it done.”

“You'll have plenty of time to finish this later after you've slept. You won't get anything done when you're this tired.”

“I'm really fine,” Yuri insisted. “We're coming out of warp soon so I need to be awake anyway.”

“Yura,” Otabek said sternly, using a diminutive that Yuri didn't even know he knew. “Sleep.”

Yuri felt his cheeks flush and he was suddenly feeling a lot more awake. 

“Yura?”

Otabek looked shocked like he hadn't even noticed he'd used that name. He looked honestly horrified with himself.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to!” This was possibly the loudest Yuri had heard Otabek be, excluding his act on Cirta. It was also the reddest Yuri had ever seen his face. “The other day I was looking through the ship's records and I was watching transmissions and I heard Major Feltsman call you that and I was just thinking about it I guess. I'm tired too, I guess, and, I guess, it just slipped out. I'm sorry!”

“Otabek, it's okay,” Yuri said, looking off to the side while he tried to force his blush down. “I don't mind if you want to call me that.”

“Oh.” Otabek wasn't sure how to respond to the quietness of Yuri's voice but he tried anyway. “Well, umm, if you're sure.”

“Of course I'm sure.”

“If you, umm… if you want, you can… umm… my nickname is Beka.”

“Oh, well, okay,” Yuri responded before testing out the name. “Beka.”

Before either one could say anything, Yuri's intercom came to life and Sara spoke evenly from the other end. The sudden voice still scared the shit out of them both. 

“Captain, this is Sara, we're out of warp. It'll be about half a day before we get to our destination.”

With a still red face, Yuri extracted himself from the mess of papers and electronics on his bed and headed for the intercom. 

“Sounds good. Make an announcement to the rest of the ship and tell them that I'm commanding everyone to get some sleep.”

“Okay,” Sara agreed. “Are you going to get some rest?”

“Yeah, Beka and I were just talking–” Yuri stopped, realizing his slip up too late. Before he could even try to patch up his mistake Sara made a very unprofessional noise of excitement.

“Aww, you call him by a nickname now? That’s so cute. Does he call you Yura?”

Yuri didn't answer, his face getting redder by the minute and despite not being able to see him, Sara surely knew exactly how red he was. 

“I am your captain.” 

“You’re also adorable,” Sara said with a giggle. “I’ll be sure to tell everyone to get some rest and you two better as well.” 

As Sara made her announcement over the loudspeaker, Mila stopped to listen before continuing her slow, rambling walk around the ship. Despite the ship being built with five crew in mind, it seemed so huge now even with seven on board. Sure, the ship was able to comfortably house four or five guests, but that was a tight squeeze. 

Even so, Mila was so used to there being so many more people now and seven felt… empty. Especially since half of them didn’t spend much time in their own rooms anymore. 

Guessing that Sara would probably stay in the pilot’s bunk for this rest—an autopilot approach on a planet with unknown intentions was one of the few times Yuri wouldn’t ask Sara to leave her post, knowing that she be too nervous to sleep anywhere else—Mila turned and headed down the stairs into the cargo bay and towards her room. Just as she stepped off the last stair, the door to the viewing hallway opened and Yuuri stepped out. 

“Oh, Yuuri,” Mila said, not expecting to see him. “Taking in the sight of hyperspace?”

Yuuri smiled vaguely at her, “After a while, hyperspace starts to look kind of beautiful.” 

“Don’t stare at it too long, you might hurt your eyes.” 

“Don’t worry, I made sure to put the dimming blinds up.” 

“Good to hear,” Mila said, knowing that while plenty of people on this ship seemed to enjoy staring into the blistering light of hyperspace, Yuuri seemed to be a frequent visitor for such activities. “How are you doing?”

“Fine,” Yuuri answered unconvincingly. “Why?”

“You seem a little…” Mila looked for the right word but could find it. “Out of it.” 

“I’m okay, really.”

“You know, you can talk to me if you want.”

Yuuri was quiet for a long time and Mila waited, wondering if he actually felt comfortable with them at all. His face cycled through a bunch of subtle emotions that Mila was just barely able to catch. 

Fear. Concern. Anger. Frustration. Confusion. 

Finally, he settled on some sort of resolute resignation and he spoke, his voice quiet but strong. 

“What if this was the wrong choice? What if I misinterpreted everything?”

“How so?”

“What if—” Yuuri’s voice cracked slightly and he paused to cough before continuing, his voice back to be solid. “What if Viktor doesn’t actually want me to find him? What if he never wanted me to find him?”

“Why would Viktor leave like this? It doesn’t make sense,” Mila assured, truly believing that for all the terrible outcomes that could happen, Viktor being angry to see Yuuri honestly wasn’t one she could fathom. 

“But that’s the problem, nothing makes sense in this entire universe!” Yuuri responded. “Why would a father kill his wife and children? Why would the Military steal children before breaking them so completely? Why does no one but Chris seem to care that Luca disappeared into thin air? This entire universe makes no goddamn sense and I thought coming out here to find Viktor would solve the problems in my life but it’s just made more!”

“Yuuri…” Mila said softly, taking a few steps towards Yuuri to put a hand on his arm. 

“I don’t know who I am anymore. What The Pavlova told us… What Mr. Plisetsky told me… I don’t even know who my own mother is anymore.” 

“Yuuri!” Mila shouted, momentarily shocking Yuuri out of his mental spiral. “I don’t know the answer to why shit is fucked up in this universe but there are also plenty of good things we saw. Remember Minami and Yuuto? That beach planet where we took a break? Seung-gil and Phichit? Guang Hong and Leo? The people who helped save lives back in ORG-78 and who were so willing to help a couple of outsiders like me and Emil despite everything? There is good in this universe and maybe it’s as nonsensical as the bad, but maybe that’s for the best.”

Yuuri blinked at Mila for a few seconds before his lips turned up into a small smile and he chuckled a little. 

“Nonsensical good, huh? That might just be crazy enough to be true.”

Mila smiled too, pulling Yuuri into a tight hug as she realized that Yuuri probably needed one. He seemed to a big fan of them because he always returned them with a tight hug of his own, just like he was doing now. 

“We’re all a little crazy and this universe is a little crazy but at least we're together and soon, you’ll be back with Viktor.”

“The closer we get, the harder it is to believe things will turn out okay. Especially after everything else.” 

“I like to think it’ll turn out okay because of everything,” Mila told him with a cheeky smile, pulling away. As she did, she reached out to pat Yuuri on the shoulder. “Now, if you want to talk more, I’m here for you, but I also think we could both use some sleep.”

“I think you’re right,” Yuuri said with a tired but genuine smile. “And, Mila, thanks.”

“You’re here for us and we’re here for you,” Mila told him. “It’s just how this works.” 

“I guess you’re right,” Yuuri responded. “Well, goodnight, I guess.”

Mila laughed because on a spaceship time became incredibly meaningless incredibly fast. 

“Goodnight.” 

Mila was the first of them in bed, after all her bedroom was much closer, but in the end, she would be one of the last to fall asleep. 

Yuuri, for all his anxiety, was actually one of the first to fall asleep. His anxiety had been spiking so much lately that it was making him exhausted and he soon fell into a fitful sleep. 

Yuri and Otabek cleaned off Yuri’s bed and then Otabek made sure Yuri got into bed before heading back to his bunk. They both left each other with a slightly affectionate goodnight as they both continued trying out each other’s nicknames. 

Emil was actually asleep when the announcement came from over the loudspeaker and like was common with him, the sound didn’t wake him. If you wanted to wake up Emil you either set off an alarm or woke him up in person. Weirdly enough his sleeping form seemed to be able to tell the difference between a loudspeaker voice and an in-the-room voice. Mickey was still awake long after the announcement, his anxiety slowly rising with each passing minute. He knew he needed to sleep but even Emil’s arms wrapping protectively around him couldn't chase away the demons in his mind. 

Sara was the last in bed, though she was somewhere around the third or fourth fall asleep. She was tired after working a long shift in the control room by herself. She enjoyed working shifts alone once in a while, the quiet drone of machinery bringing her into a zen-like state of calm. Now, she let that same hum lull her to sleep while she tried her best to not think about anything.

Even as everyone slept—or tried to sleep—The Potya continued it’s tireless journey towards a possible conclusion all while many minds thought about how they felt like the unknown was starting to close in and that maybe, just maybe, the life they were never meant to live was somehow their destiny.

\---

Sara had given everyone a short briefing on their target planet during their jump between ORG-79 and ORG-94. It was a small planet in ORG-94, which was a small galaxy to begin with. It was one of two habitable planets in the galaxy but was more or less abandoned. Much like their stop in ORG-78, it had been a mining planet that ran dry. But, instead of people landing there and building a new life, most of the residents simply moved on. All that was left was a few small farms and one small, less than thriving town. 

The plan was for Yuuri and Yuri to head down to the two and ask around to see if anyone knew anything about Viktor. Also, since the town was small, it was likely they’d be able to find Viktor quickly. 

While they were down there, Mickey and Sara were going to scan the planet for signs of other settlements, in case another town had popped up or Viktor had figure out how to live outside of town. 

On the shuttle, Yuri and Yuuri checked systems and supplies while Mila stood in the doorway.

“I should come with you two.”

“We’ll be fine,” Yuri said. “Small landing parties are better when we take the shuttle and you know it.” 

“I just don’t like you two going alone.”

“Yuuri and I can take care of ourselves.”

“Taking care of you is my job, though,” Mila said with an only slightly forced smile. 

Yuri stopped, standing up tall to look at Mila with hard eyes and a confident stance that Mila realized was new. 

“Mila, I know I’ve been reckless in the past and I can still be a little bit reckless but… I’m not that person anymore. I won’t do anything reckless.” 

Mila wanted to keep arguing my his point was well taken. She’d only met him two or three years ago—it was hard to keep track in space—but he’d changed a lot in that time. They all had, but Yuri had probably changed the most dramatically. 

She could remember the teenager she met when they were all partnered for the first time. When she’d seen the boy who looked about twelve that would be her captain, Mila had privately thought that she was being punished for something. She couldn’t believe that some kid with a bad attitude was going to be her captain after she worked so hard to get where she was. 

In the two and a half years since then, she’d been proven wrong time and time again. She went from a mild dislike of Yuri to a deep concern about his well-being to respect and know she knew she’d come to a new step. It wasn’t quite trust—she’d already trusted him plenty—but something like that. Maybe it was just that before she’d been loyal and now she truly trusted him. 

Whatever the reason, she found herself nodding.

“I know.” 

\---

When they landed, Yuri was surprised to see a small crowd waiting for them. It wasn't that many people, but for such a small town the ten or so that had gathered seemed like a mob.

“Should we be worried?” Yuuri asked, looking out the front window at the group. 

“I think we'll be fine,” Yuri said even though he was a little concerned. “We're both outer kids and I'm nearly an edge kid, so we should fit in.”

“I guess my hometown was pretty small,” Yuuri admitted. “Okay, let's go out there. The longer we stay here, the more suspicious we'll be.”

Once the ship was properly shut down, they both got ready to exit the ship. They each had a gun but they were sure to keep their hands away from the weapons.

They stepped off the ship with Yuuri in the lead but before he could say anything to the crowd, an older woman stepped towards them. 

She was tall and regal looking despite the thin coating of dirt everyone seemed to have. She had dark skin and dark hair and looked to be somewhere in her 50s or 60s.

“Hail travelers,” she announced, her voice thick with the accent of the planet. “I’m Quisha Anderson, welcome to Bronzewing.”

“This is quite the welcome,” Yuri told her. “We're flattered but the greeting.” 

“We don’t get many visitors out here. No place to go from here.”

“Guess that makes sense,” Yuri agreed, glancing at Yuuri. “I’m Yuri and this is also Yuuri.”

Quisha raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment on their shared name. “Where are you boys from? You’re not military, are you?” 

“Our only relation to the military is the fact that they want us dead,” Yuri laughed bitterly. “I’m from ORG-84.”

“I’m from ORG-24,” Yuuri said, looking around anxiously but deciding not to ask about Viktor yet. If they were hiding him or something Yuuri didn't want to scare them. 

“Nice to see more ORG’s. I've never been to the East, but I'm sure you're all not so different from us.”

“Well, I'll admit, I'm from the city,” Yuri told them. “A military city at that. This is a lot different.”

“Well, welcome to the middle of nowhere then,” Quisha laughed. “And if you're on the Military's bad side then you're more than welcome here. We don't have much to protect you with here if they showed up but we're not about to hand you over.”

“That's noble of you,” Yuri chuckled. “Hopefully it won't come to that.”

“Hopefully not,” she agreed. “Now, why don't you two come tell us about yourself. We really could use the entertainment.”

Yuri looked and Yuuri, a question in his eyes that Yuuri was surprised by. 

“Sounds good,” Yuuri said quietly. “Let's go.”

\---

Mila watched anxiously as Sara, Mickey, and Emil worked together to scan for other signs of life on the planet. There was nothing she could do but watch—her technical expertise was strictly physical mechanisms—and that was making her antsy. 

“So? Anything?” Mila asked for the tenth time, finally making Mickey lose his cool. 

“Mila, I swear to God if you don't stop asking I will suffocate you.”

“Mila, I love you, but he's right,” Sara said. “we can only work so fast.”

“What if we don't find him?” Mila asked.

“We'll find him,” Sara insisted. “Where else could he be?”

“Literally anywhere,” Mila pointed out.

“She's right,” Mickey agreed. “We haven't even been to 10% of the place he could be. We probably haven't even been to 1% of the places he could be. This is just one option.”

“What if he's dead?” Emil asked quietly, everyone turning to look at him. His face was tilted down as he looked at a pad that was connected to the ship’s systems. “What if none of this matters?”

“He's not—” Sara said, only to be interrupted by Mickey. 

“Even if he's dead, it matters.” Mickey looked at Emil with hard eyes for a few moments before his look softened. “A bad outcome is better than no outcome at all.”

“Is it?” Emil looked at Mickey, desperation in his face. “If we die out here don't you think it would be easier for everyone if they thought we were still out there somewhere?”

Mila walked over to Emil, putting a hand on his shoulder comfortingly.

“We're going to go home.”

“How can you be sure?” Emil missed home and he wished he'd never followed his friends off-planet. 

“Because the Captain promised.”

Emil's eyes widened slightly, a small thread of hope floating into his mind. Before that could continue, though, Sara sat up straighter.

“Guys. I found something.”

\---

Yuri and Yuuri followed their hosts to a local restaurant and bar, inside of which was what amounted to not a lot of people but also seemed to be a large portion of the town. 

“We can eat and drink,” Quisha said with a smile. “And you can tell us some stories.”

“First,” Yuuri said quietly. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Quisha seemed interested even in Yuuri's question.

“When's the last time you had a visitor?”

“Hmm…” Quisha thought for a moment. “It wasn't that recent but a few months back a man landed in town.”

“Really?” Yuuri sat up straighter. “What did he look like?”

“Black hair and, I think, brown eyes. He was average height and kind if gruff. Didn't talk much, just wanted to get some supplies.”

Yuuri shrunk at that description. It was nothing like Viktor. It couldn't be Viktor. 

“Not what you were hoping?”

“My husband was supposed to be here,” Yuuri explained, his voice barely above a whisper. “I really thought he'd be here.”

“I'll be honest, this place takes a lot and doesn't give much back,” Quisha said with a frown. She cleared her voice before beginning to sing in a low, solemn voice:

_This wasn't what we wanted when we landed on these shores._  
This wasn't what we wanted when we left our homes.  
This wasn't what we dreamed of,  
When we left it all.  
This isn't what we wanted when we came here.  
This isn't what we dreamed of for you.” 

Quisha cleared her throat again and smiled at them, her voice still ringing in their ears. It was a beautiful, clear voice that reminded Yuuri of when he'd heard Yuri sing. 

“Bronzewing is our home and we love it, but our parents and even some of our parent’s parents came here thinking they were making a better life for them and us. But the mining didn't last long and then we were abandoned by the government. Most of the youngest generation has moved off-planet and I don't blame them. In thirty or forty years, I don't know if this town will exist. The Edge is a place where people are easily lost and possible just as easy to forget. But that doesn't mean those people are gone.”

Yuuri thought maybe Quisha’s speech was nonsense and yet it felt like it meant something to him.

“Thank you,” was all he could find in himself to reply. “It means… a lot.”

Quisha started to speak but Yuri's communicator went off, interrupting her.

“Yuri here,” he responded seriously. “Did you find him?”

“Not sure,” Sara's voice was quiet but Yuuri was close enough to hear it. “But we found something. It could be something.”

“We're coming back up,” Yuri said, standing as he looked at Yuuri. “Over and out.”

“I'm sorry,” Yuuri said, standing. “I'd really love to stay but this could be him.”

“No harm done,” Quisha smiled sadly. “I hope you can come back here one day.”

“I hope so too,” Yuri said. “Thank you for your hospitality.”

A few more goodbyes were thrown around before Yuuri and Yuri set off running for their shuttle.

\---

The moment the shuttle docked, Yuuri was out of his seat, sprinting towards the exit. Yuri heard his communicator going odd but he ignored it, knowing they were close enough that the information would be easier to get directly from Sara. 

Yuuri ran to the stairs, taking the two at a time and speeding out of Yuri's sight faster than he thought possible. 

The ship wasn't huge so even though Yuuri got to the bridge first, Yuri was close behind.

“Well?” Yuuri was asking when Yuri arrive at his heels. “Where is he?”

Yuri saw the answer in Sara's face, grin and downcast, but Yuuri didn't. Or, more likely, he refused to acknowledge it.

“Tell me!”

“I'm sorry, Yuuri,” Sara said in a low voice. “The thing I saw… it wasn't a person. There's…” 

After a long pause where Sara refused to look in Yuuri's direction, she was able to drag her eyes up to look at him, hope that usually could be found in her eyes gone. 

“There's nothing.”

“There’s nothing?” Yuuri repeated, his voice wobbling. “There can’t be nothing.”

“I’m sorry Yuuri…” Sara didn’t know what she could do for Yuuri in the face of this unhappy ending. 

“There’s nothing,” Yuuri felt like everything was collapsing in on him, his mind barely even registering the fact that his legs were shaking. “It’s over.”

“I’m sure there’s something we missed…” Sara thought she might be making things worse.

Yuuri didn’t respond, instead collapsing as his legs stopped being able to hold his weight. His knees hit the ground with an audible bang and Sara flinched. 

“Yuuri, I–” Sara started only to be interrupted by Yuri. 

“Hey, asshole!” 

Yuri raised a foot to put it on one of Yuuri’s shoulders, pushing him onto his side. Yuuri looked up at Yuri, tears in his eyes as Yuri glowered at him with crossed arms. 

“Get off the damn floor,” Yuri growled, ignoring the fact that he was half the reason Yuuri was on the ground. “Viktor is obviously an idiot and an asshole but he’s also obviously into you. He didn’t just leave and you better not just give up.” 

“But where can we go?” Yuri asked, pushing himself into a sitting position. 

“I don’t know!” Yuri huffed, sitting down next to Yuuri on the ground. “But we’ll figure something out. At this point, the only place we really have left to go is past the edge so we might as well do that.” 

“It’s too dangerous. I can’t ask you–”

“You’re not,” Yuri interrupted. “I’m offering and I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mean it.”

“But–”

“This is what the USEA does and no matter what’s happened, it’s what we were trained to do.” Yuri stood, brushing himself off as he looked around at the crew. “We need a plan but I think if we all think about it, if we all make a plan, then we can do this. I think the first step is for you to start making some live maps, Mickey. We don’t know what’s out there and if we plan on making jumps, we need a map.”

“I’ll start on that,” Mickey said, turning back to his console to get started. 

“Sara, let’s gather everyone in the kitchen so we can try and figure out a plan.” 

“Okay,” Sara responded, turning to call Emil, Mila, and Otabek to the kitchen. 

“Are you sure about this?” Yuuri asked, still sitting on the floor when Yuri walked over to him.

“Of course. We said we’d find Viktor and I plan on doing just that.” Yuri reached out a hand and Yuuri took it, letting the younger man help him to his feet. “How else will Viktor learn not to run off in the middle of the night? It’s not like you’ll be much good at doing that, you’re too much of a softie, so teaching him a lesson will fall to me.” 

Yuri reached out and put a hand on Yuuri’s shoulder, the air of confident authority that Yuuri had seen a few times really shining through. Yuuri knew Yuri didn’t see himself as a good captain, but Yuuri could see it. Yuuri wasn’t sure how someone Yuri’s age learned to be such a good leader, but Yuuri thought some of it was natural. And yet, he suspected a lot of it had been developed. Yuuri could imagine the selfish, scared, angry, confused, and distrustful person Yuri might have been when he was younger. He guessed he’d been desperate to prove himself for a long time and that had to take a toll on someone. And, somehow, Yuri had figured it out and the person standing in front of Yuuri now was a great captain and someone Yuuri knew he could trust. 

“Don’t worry about that idiot,” Yuri said with a confident smile. “We’ll find him and I know he’ll be okay.” 

“Thank you,” Yuuri said, returning Yuri’s confident smile with a weak smile of his own. “For everything.”

“It’s what we do and, besides,” Yuri turned to look at the upper-crew. “You gave us quite the adventure.”

“Initializing scans will be done in about an hour,” Mickey announced. “Then it’ll depend on what we find, but we may need to make a jump before any further scans can be done.” 

“Sounds good.” Yuri turned towards the exit. “Guess it’s time to make plans, then.” 

“Everyone will be in the kitchen soon,” Sara told him.

“Thanks.” Yuri opened the door and paused for a moment before saying, “I’m going to do some quick radio scans then I’ll be to the kitchen. Also…” He glanced back to Yuuri. “Can you bring Viktor’s letter to the kitchen? There’s something bothering me.” 

“Oh, okay.” Yuuri titled his head to the side, about to ask Yuri what was bothering him, but then the door slid closed and Yuri was already gone. Still, Yuuri was feeling better. He thought, maybe, he’d gotten some of his hope back.

\---

Yuri read intently through Viktor’s letter for about 20 minutes before speaking, everyone else watching intently in silence as he did. Yuuri knew the letter by heart but as far as he remembered, Yuri was the only person who knew about the letter’s contents. 

“Yuuri. My light. My star. My moon. You pull me ever closer, tugging on my oceans and shining beautiful light onto me in my darkest hour.

“I am gone. I can be found. I shouldn’t be found. I want to be found. I don’t want to return.

“What does it think it's doing running west. When all the other country brooks flow east. To reach the ocean? Here we, in our impatience of the steps, get back to the beginning of beginnings.

“As you count down the days, I’ll count up the reasons.

“Yours Forever, Viktor.”

Yuri looked up at the gathered group—everyone on board except Mickey, who was busy with his scans—his face stoic but not grim. 

“Let’s go through it, okay?” He asked and everyone nodded. “Yuri, can you go over what you went over with me a while ago?”

Yuuri nodded, taking a deep breath. “The first part is taken from Viktor’s vows. I think it’s simply supposed to be him reminding me that he loves me. Or maybe just to let me know it was him. Our wedding wasn’t that big, not many people know what our vows were. 

“The second part is from a book Viktor liked. It was written by a woman who had the same childhood condition Viktor did. In the book, it’s a riddle, but it still hasn’t been solved. Yuri thinks it might be about the past that the author lost as a child. So, probably, the reason Viktor left had something to do with his missing memories. But I’m not really sure how it could connect because I know Viktor had a relatively childhood. I’ve seen family photos. I’ve met his parents…” 

“Move to the next part,” Yuri said, pulling Yuuri out of him mental spiral. 

“The next part is from a poem that I like and read to Viktor a couple of time. There are two different parts he’s taken the quote from, the first it about how the river flows west when it should flow east. That’s why I thought he was going west. The second part, though, I have no clue. ‘Here we, in our impatience of the steps, get back to the beginning of beginnings.’ I don’t know what he means by going back to the beginning of beginnings.”

“Move on,” Yuri said again, “I don’t think it’s important.” 

“It’s a line from a poem by Hikaru Sugamoto. From the last poem he wrote before… before he killed himself.” 

“‘As you count down the days, I’ll count up the reasons…’” Yuri said quietly. 

“The reasons I soon will be dead,” Yuuri finished even though he knew there was a fifty percent chance that wasn’t the intended next line. If there was any intention at all.

“Yuuri, I’m sure that’s not what he meant,” Sara said soothingly. 

Before Yuuri could respond—probably with something unhelpfully negative—Yuri shot out of his seat, looking at Yuuri with bright eyes and a lopsided but hopeful smile. 

“How many times does the poem say that second part again?”

“What part?”

“I’ll count up the reasons.”

“Sugamoto repeats that line six times,” Yuuri said as Yuri’s lopsided smile widened into a full smile that looked like he’d just gotten someone into checkmate. “Why?” 

“Medallion.” 

“Huh?” 

“Your medallion. You counted up but you haven’t counted down.” 

Yuuri blinked at Yuri, looking uncertainly at the young captain while he digested Yuri’s words. Suddenly, it clicked and a small, hesitant smile formed on his lips. 

“Of course! It was never supposed to be any specific part of the poem but it’s one of the most important phrases.” Yuuri felt relief flow over him but it was soon followed by worry. “So, we have to go past the Edge.”

“Yeah, we do.” Yuri’s smile faded and his face turned serious, his eyes set as he looked around the table. “This isn’t going to be easy. This isn’t going to be safe. I don’t know if we’ll all make it out of this. Hell, I don’t know if any of us will make it out of this. I don’t want to ask you all to do this, but I’m going to anyway: will you follow me on one more mission?”

“Of course,” Mila answered immediately. “You’re our captain and I’d follow you anywhere.”

“I’m in,” Emil told him. “And if you want to ask Mickey, you can, but I’m sure he’ll say yes.”

“You can’t really get anywhere without me,” Sara said, smiling. “Of course I’m coming with you.”

Yuri smiled thankfully at them, looking for a moment like he was going to cry. That passed, though, and he turned to look at Otabek.

“Otabek? You don’t have to come with us. You have people waiting for you.”

“I’m coming,” Otabek responded. “You’re all doing something good, something right, and I want to help however I can.”

“Then it’s decided, we’re going to cross the Edge,” Yuri said, looking at Yuuri. “Let’s find Viktor.” 

Yuuri nodded, letting himself smile and letting himself feel just a little hopeful.

“Let’s do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted a mock-up of what Gallia looks like so check out my [ko-fi page](https://ko-fi.com/Blog/Post/Our-Eyes-Were-Full-of-Stars---Gallia-J3J2LDGE?justpublished=true). Oh, and if you can please follow me. I understand if you can't support me financially but even a follow would go a long way! 
> 
> \---
> 
> So I've decided to take November off. I really wanted to keep posting but between a busy work schedule, taking time off for my birthday, and nanowrimo I won't have enough time to work on this. The good news is by taking the month off, I hope to finish posting in December. 
> 
> There are five chapters left (including the epilogue) so I'd probably post the third and fourth chapters together because they're sort of a pair. These final chapters will probably be pretty long because I don't want to split them, so I'd say we have at least 35K words to go, almost all of which needs to be written. The chapters are more or less planned out and they just need to be written. 
> 
> I really want to give this finale the time and attention I think it deserves because there is A LOT to wrap up.
> 
> Thank you as always for your patience and understanding! And thank you for reading.


	30. Our Hearts Were Full of Darkness Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1: In the Darkness
> 
> Crossing the line between known and unknown space didn't come with any fanfare. It came with anxiety and caution, but no fanfare. It came with a medallion counting down to zero, but no fanfare. It came with overwhelming expectation, but no fanfare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the longer than planned hiatus! More info at the end! 
> 
> Also, a quick warning that this chapter has some minor violence and then mention of a needle. It's not graphic at all, but I still wanted to mention it.

The ship was quiet, everyone tense as they waited for something to happen. Sara, Mickey, Yuri, and Yuuri all spent most of their time in the control room so at least they were preoccupied. Mila, Emil, and Otabek, on the other hand, really had nothing to do. There was only so many times Emil could do check on the engines so the three of them usually ended up playing cards in the kitchen, not sure what they were waiting for but knowing they were waiting for something. 

Jumps had to be made cautiously. Short jumps from one point to another after at least a day of scanning the surrounding area were the norm. They couldn’t carelessly make long, blind jumps because of the risk of coming out of a jump near something dangerous—which, in space, could be any number of things. This was the work the crew of The Potya was trained to do as an explorer ship, but this was the first time they’d done this outside of simulations. And there was the added worry about the military finding them.

With Mickey’s hastily but carefully put together maps and Yuuri’s compass-like medallion, they were able to make better time than anyone would have guessed they would. But it was slow going and it made everyone antsy. 

The ship was just too quiet. 

“Percentage?” Yuri asked as they came out of another jump.

“Forty-seven.” Yuuri honestly couldn’t believe how quickly the number was ticking up. “We seem to be going in the right direction.”

“Okay, that’s enough for now.” Yuri sighed. “We’re all exhausted and we should get some rest. We’ll start again in,” Yuri thought for a moment. “Eight hours. We need some real rest.” 

“I should sleep in here, then,” Sara said. “Just in case.”

“No,” Yuri shook his head. “You know you won’t sleep well. If anything happens, I’ll be close enough to get here in time.”

“I’d feel better—”

“Captain’s orders,” Yuri interrupted.

“I agree with him, Sara,” Mickey said. “So you can add doctor’s orders onto that too.” 

“Are you going to sleep?” Sara asked Yuri, the accusation in her voice barely hidden.

“Yes,” Yuri told her truthfully, feeling exhaustion pulling his mind into a bit of cloudiness. “We need to be sharp and to be sharp we need sleep. Even me.” 

“Fine,” Sara mumbled, turning back to the controls to keep the ship from moving drastically. She also started the nighttime dimming process for the lights. The process had been turned off in an effort to keep everyone as awake as possible even if at this point the bright lights weren’t doing much. “It’ll take me about ten minutes to shut everything down properly so you guys can go ahead of me.”

“I’ll make sure she goes to Mila’s room,” Mickey said, earning him a nod from Yuri and a glare from Sara. 

When the two Yuri’s turned and left, Sara paused in her work to stare out into the void outside.

“It’s weird when I think about how this is what we were supposed to be doing.”

“Yeah,” Mickey agreed. “It’s honestly not that different from anywhere else, is it?”

“Not really.” Sara’s eyes were still glued onto the observation window. “Space is so much bigger than I ever really thought it would be. And so much darker.”

“Huh.”

“Huh?” Sara turned to look at her brother, not expected that sort of noncommittal disagreement. 

“I was just thinking that it’s so much smaller and brighter.”

Sara smiled, the smile turning into a laugh as she turned to get back to work shutting down the unnecessary systems. 

“I couldn’t have done this without you,” Sara said quietly. “Thank you for coming this far.”

“I wouldn’t have gotten off Malen without you,” Mickey reminded her.

“I guess that’s what siblings do.”

“Maybe,” Mickey smiled at his own monitor, wondering if he was going crazy. That seemed to be the only explanation for why he felt so safe and comfortable right now. “I think it’s more likely, though, that this is just what twins do.” 

Sara didn’t say anything else but she didn’t need to, her content silence enough of an answer for Mickey. 

\---

Yuuri knew it was a dream. He had gotten used to the feeling of dreams versus reality and he knew that this was a dream. At least mostly. There was a strange tinge to it that he didn’t understand. It was something that was trying to scream that this was real but it was being muffled by the dreaminess of it all. 

Yuuri found himself in a room he didn’t recognize and which he was sure he’d never been in before. Even though he was sure he’d never been there, there was something oddly familiar about it. 

Before he could think about that odd familiarity, Yuuri noticed someone sitting at a small kitchen table. When he turned, he was surprised to find his own father sitting at the table, drinking some tea as he stared out a large window onto an obviously man-made garden. 

“It’s been a long time,” Toshiya didn’t turn to look at Yuuri, continuing to look out the window. “I thought you might have forgotten me.”

“That’s crazy,” was the only thing Yuuri was able to say. Even in a dream, it seemed crazy that he’d forget his father. 

“Perhaps.” Toshiya turned to look at Yuuri, the expression on his face one that Yuuri was sure he’d never seen on his father’s face. It was curious but sad. It was surprised but resigned. It was so, so lonely. “You’ve changed.” 

“It happens,” Yuuri managed, shrugging a little. “People change.”

“I always forget how natural change is for you.” 

Yuuri was shaking his head as Toshiya said that, ready to argue. He was terrible at change. It scared him and he hated it. But before Yuuri could remind his father of all that, Toshiya continued. 

“Where’d your other part go?”

“I don’t know,” Yuuri answered quietly, Viktor’s smiling face flashing across his mind.  
As that image flashed in his mind, Toshiya looked confused. 

“I don't know him. Who is that man?”

“What are you talking about?” Yuuri was confused and starting to feel a little frightened. “You know Viktor.”

“Viktor is not your other half.”

“What are you talking about?” Yuuri asked again. “Dad, you're scaring me.”

“Dad?” Toshiya looked puzzled before shaking his head. “Hiroko, you told me this man was called husband.”

“Wha–?” Yuuri began to speak, confused and scared, but was abruptly woken by an announcement.

“Katsuki, get your ass up here,” Yuri called gruffly through the intercom. “We got something interesting. A planet with abandoned military structures. We think they could have useful information but I want you to take a look at the place and… I guess, tell us how you feel. Your feelings seem to be right a lot and I guess it's about time I started listening to them.”

Yuuri stood slowly, walking to the intercom. He still felt like he was in a dream, making him wary of everything. 

“I'll be up soon, just need to get dressed.”

“Okay,” Yuri sounded tired but maybe a little hopeful. “I think we have something here.”

“Sounds good,” Yuuri responded before being left alone in the silence of his bedroom with only the humming of machinery and the worries deep in his mind. 

\---

When Yuuri made it to the control room, he found that his dream was still firmly in the front of his mind. The more he thought about it, the less it seemed like a dream to him, but he didn’t know how to explain it if it wasn’t a dream.

“Glad you could make it,” Yuri said sarcastically when Yuuri arrived, an edge of anxiety obvious in his sarcasm. “What do you make of this place?”

Yuuri looked at the planet for a long time, silently trying to understand the place. In the end, he shook his head because he found himself completely without a feeling this time. 

“I feel nothing.”

“What do you mean, you feel nothing?”

“I mean… there’s nothing,” Yuuri said as a way of explanation. 

“Well, is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“I don’t know,” Yuuri said honestly. “I… it feels like nothing but that nothing feels strange, I guess. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad.” 

Yuri sighed, looking more and more conflicted with each passing moment. 

“I guess nothing is better than something controlling your mind.” Yuri looked around the room. “I think we should go down.”

“All of us?” Sara asked, looking uncertain.

“Can we land the ship on the planet?” Yuri asked and Sara nodded. “Then I think we should take the whole thing down. I would feel better if we were concealed on the planet.” 

“If you think that’s a good idea,” Sara responded, “then I can take us down.” 

“I think it’s the best plan we have,” Yuri told her. “We’re past the edge and we’re in hostile territory, we don’t have many good ideas left for us.”

Nobody could argue with that and so nobody spoke as Sara made an announcement of their upcoming descent. Even when the descent began, nobody spoke. 

Yuuri hoped—though he thought maybe he should be praying—things would be okay. He just couldn’t convince himself that anything would be okay after what had happened so far. All his hope was gone and all he was left with were attempts at hope that fell flat in his mind. 

“We’ll be okay,” Yuri said suddenly, looking like he couldn’t believe his own words. “We’ll be okay.” 

Nobody responded, but nobody had to because they all were thinking the same thing.

_I hope we’ll be okay._

\---

The planet was strange. Sara reported that the dark half was either permanently dark or the planet’s day-night cycle was extremely long. Originally, they’d planned to land on the light side, but when they orbited the planet, Mickey had spotted a huge complex of buildings on the dark side. 

There were some old ruins on the light side, but they looked to be in pretty bad shape. The ones on the dark side hardly looked new, but they were definitely better off than the light side buildings. 

By the time they’d properly landed on the planet—relatively close to the buildings—it was pretty late in ship-time, so Yuri announced they should all get a full sleep before they tried exploring the buildings. 

But as Yuri tossed and turned in his own bed, he found his mind kept whispering things to him that he didn’t understand. It was like the words were in a language he didn’t speak. They sounded like real words, real sentences, but they just didn’t make sense. 

After an hour, Yuri gave up and left his room, heading for the kitchen where—somehow unsurprisingly—he ran into Yuuri.

“Can’t sleep?” Yuri asked even though the question answered itself.

“No, I keep having weird dreams. How about you?”

“I couldn’t even fall asleep,” Yuri admitted. “I know I said we should rest before going out there, but I’m starting to feel antsy.”

“Do you want to go out there?” Yuuri asked, surprising Yuri. “I mean, we could wake people up and go now.”

“You seem antsy too,” Yuri observed.

“I guess I am,” Yuuri bit his lip. “There’s something about this place. It feels like it’s compelling me to do something. It’s not like the museum, though. It’s not that insistent or violent. That made me feel like I had to go down to the planet this just feels… It’s like something is trying to persuade me to their side.” 

Footsteps caught their attention and they both turned to see Otabek had arrived in the kitchen. 

“Can’t sleep?” Yuri asked, mirroring Yuuri’s obvious question from earlier.

“It felt like something was watching me,” Otabek said. “I wasn’t even able to fall asleep.” 

“Me neither,” Yuri said. “We were thinking about going out and exploring since we’re awake.” 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Otabek asked, “This place is kind of giving me the creeps.” 

“Well–” Yuri stopped as he heard a slightly distant scream. “Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?” Yuuri asked. 

“Someone screamed.”

“I didn’t hear anything,” Otabek told him. 

“I swear–” Yuri stood, “There it is again!” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Yuuri looked concerned but Yuri wasn’t really paying attention anymore. 

Another scream reached Yuri’s ears and he swore it was someone shouting for help. 

“Come on! We have to make sure nobody is hurt,” he said, starting towards the cargo bay. 

“Yuri!” Yuuri shouted after him, but it didn’t stop Yuri.

Yuuri and Otabek exchanged a worried look and then set off after Yuri, hoping against hope that this wasn’t a trap. 

\---

When Sara woke up she had a weird feeling in the pit of her stomach but she ignored it, chalking it up to the unknown planet they had landed on. She spent a few minutes laying in Mila’s arms, trying to dispel the feeling but, in the end, she couldn’t do it and she sighed, removing herself from Mila’s arms.

“Sara?” Mila asked groggily, “Where are you going?”

“We need to get up soon,” Sara responded smoothly, “I’m going to find the Captain.” 

“Okay,” Mila responded, “I’ll be up soon.”

“Okay,” Sara said, smiling softly as she padded out of the room, her bare feet cold against the metal. 

She found her way to the Captain’s door, knocking quietly before waiting. After nearly a minute without a reply, she knocked again, louder but there was still no answer. She tried one more time, knocking hard enough that Mickey’s door slid open.

“Sara?” Mickey asked, a half asleep and shirtless Emil hanging off of him. “What’s going on?”

“I was trying to find the Captain,” Sara responded. “I guess he’s in the control room? Or maybe the viewing hallway.”

“I’ll go check down there,” Emil said, standing up straight as he disappeared into Mickey’s room to find a shirt. As he left, he leaned over to give Mickey a kiss on the cheek that made Mickey blush a little. 

Sara smirked despite her anxiety, thinking the two of them were really cute as she opened the door to the control room to find… nothing. 

Not long after, Emil called up on the intercom, “he isn’t down here.” 

Panic shot through Sara, dispelling the little sleep still in her system as she made an announcement to the whole ship. 

“Everyone please check in with the control room asap.” 

“I’m in the engine room,” Emil said.

“Still in my room,” Mila called in. 

“I’m here,” Mickey said, appearing behind Sara.

Then, they waited. And waited. And waited. 

“Captain, Yuuri, and Otabek, please report in.” Still nothing. “Please report in, now.”

After a long stretch of silence, Sara got back on the intercom as she tried to keep her voice even. 

“Yuuri, Otabek, and the Captain seem to be missing. As acting captain, I think we need to check out the facility and see if we can find them. Get ready and meet me in the cargo bay. Over and out.” 

Sara turned to look at Mickey, her face steely. 

“We’re not losing them here,” Mickey assured her. 

“I know,” She responded, walking briskly past Mickey. “Let’s go.”

\---

“Trust me,” Yuri said to the concerned looking pair trailing behind him. “I heard someone calling for help from this direction.”

“I’m sure you did,” Yuuri said, exchanging a look with Otabek. “But, like, what if it’s not real?”

“Or a trap,” Otabek added. 

“I’m sure it’s–” Yuri stopped short, both in his speak and his movement as Yuuri and Otabek ran into his back. 

Ahead of them was a lake. Or, at least, it seemed sort of like a lake. Looking at it, Otabek thought it might not even be a lake but instead a pond. But he wasn’t thinking that much about the nomenclature because his mind was preoccupied with the fact that instead of water, the pond seemed to be filled with a still black liquid. It was so still that Otabek wasn’t even sure if it was actually water but something about it made him think that it was more or less a pond with strangely colored water. 

“I don’t see anyone,” Otabek said, reaching out and putting a hand carefully on Yuri’s shoulder. His eyes were glued to the pond, something about it made him uneasy. Something other than the wrongness of the water, that is. “We should go back to the others.”

“What if they fell in?” Yuri asked, shrugging off Otabek’s hands and starting towards the water. 

Otabek swore he saw the water ripple. 

“Yuri–” Otabek stepped towards Yuri, hand out to grab his shoulder, only to find he didn’t see Yuri anywhere. He turned wildly around and couldn’t find Yuuri either. “Yuri? Yuuri?”

How much are you willing to leave behind?

“Huh?” Otabek asked, finding that he couldn’t even see the pond anymore. “Hello?”

How much have you already left behind?

“Who’s there?”

“Big brother?” Otabek turned, surprised to see his younger sister standing behind him. She looked like she did when they were both little, which was the main thing that told him this wasn’t really her. “Why’d you go?”

She was wearing an old, faded sundress that Otabek remembered she would wear all the time during summer. Her knees were grass-stained and she was covered in small bruises and scrapes. She had skinny arms and looked so tiny, so fragile. Looking in her eyes scared Otabek because where there was usually fire, there was only desperation. 

“You know why,” Otabek said, closing his eyes so he didn’t have to see that desperate, sad look anymore.

“Without your protection, what will happen to me?”

“You don’t need my protection.” 

“What will we do without the military’s protection?” Otabek didn’t respond, his eyes still shut but the little girl still clear in his mind, still burned into his eyelids. “If you don’t return soon, the military won’t protect us anymore. Then what? What will happen to Mama? What will happen to me? Without the military, what will we do?”

“No matter what, you’re under their protection.” Otabek’s voice was weak. “They made a promise.” 

“And what does a promise mean to them?” 

Otabek opened his eyes and found that his sister no longer looked like the girl he knew so well. She was still young—at this age, Otabek was still in school on their homeplanet—but now her old dress was replaced with torn rags. She was thin, underfed, and her eyes were gaunt. She had burns on her body and scars from unknown attacks. 

“No.” He closed his eyes again but the ghost of his little sister was still there, looking at him with accusatory eyes. His knees were shaking and they finally gave out but he never felt then hit the ground, his mind fixated on the girl that was his sister and also wasn’t her. His whole body was shaking as he let out one more, hoarse, “No.” 

\---

 

“I think we’re lost,” Mila said as they walked into another dead-end room. “How are we going to get out of here?”

“We’ll be fine,” Sara told her with a soft smile before turning to look at the room they were in. “Maybe there’s a map somewhere on these computers.” 

“These are so old,” Mickey commented. “I’d say at least 50 years old. Nothing we’ve seen so far has been this old.” 

“Do you guys even know how to work this stuff?” Mila asked as Emil, Mickey, and Sara all started looking at the different computers. 

“Not exactly, but it shouldn’t be too hard,” Emil assured Mila. “Look, I found the power button.”

Without waiting, Emil pressed the button he was talking about and the room came to life. All the computers turned on and they were all nearly deafened by the sudden noise of about ten computers starting up. 

“Jesus Christ, Emil, warn us before you go pressing buttons,” Mila scolded, Emil looking a little sheepish.

“Sorry, I didn’t really think about it.” 

The computers took a long time to boot up, with the fastest one taking nearly ten minutes to start. Even after they started up, everyone was disappointed to find that all the computers were password protected. 

Mila sighed, “I guess that’s that.”

“Well, wait,” Mickey said, typing something into the computer.

Something in his tone made a shiver run down Mila’s spine. It was hard for Mila to describe why but something about his voice was uncharacteristic. Off seemed like too strong of a word but in some way, his tone was just… strange. 

“There!” He exclaimed as the computer unlocked and changed its screen to display on the large monitor that took up part of the room’s far wall. 

“How’d you do that?” Mila asked when nobody else questioned him. 

“I don’t know,” he said with a shrug. “Just suddenly felt like I knew what the password was.”

“I don’t like this,” Mila said but nobody was listening to her anymore, instead they were looking at the monitor. “Guys?”

“I wonder what these are,” Sara said, pointing at the smaller screen. “Check them.”

Mickey did what she said an what seemed to be a still image open. Just as Mickey was about to close it, a loading symbol appeared and then a video began to play. The quality wasn’t bad, but it was obviously an older video. 

The man on the screen was a middle-aged man with pale skin and dark hair. He looked very serious as he stared into the camera, gathering himself up before he spoke in a low, authoritative voice. 

“WEP-52, day 5. Entry 1. I am Doctor Adrian Vetrovs, lead scientist on the WEP-52 base. Today marks the completion of our infrastructure and the commencement of initial exploration. Information on WEP-52’s initial survey can be found on any computer with proper clearances. This mission is designed to explain the ability of this planet’s flora to flourish on the dark side of the planet. Updates on important findings and also on important happenings will be recorded in these logs. For more detailed logs, please refer to the logs made by specific persons in each lab. That’s all for this first entry.”

The screen went dark for a moment but before anyone could say anything another video started up, showing the same scientist who was wearing the same expression and clothes as the last video. 

“WEP-52, day 15. Entry 2. Plenty of vegetation has been found but so far, no animals. There is a chance the animals are simply hiding, but given their theoretical lack of contact with humans, I doubt they would be fearful of us.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “But, the strangest occurrence happened today. Three of my scientists were out and came upon a strange lake. For a full description of the lake as seen today, refer to Doctor Katie Cruz’s report. Doctor Samson Shepard collapsed upon coming into sight of the lake. He woke up an hour and fifteen minutes after being brought back to the lab and reported feeling a presence but not being able to understand it. We will be sending Dr. Cruz and Doctor Owen Anthony back tomorrow to see if they can do tests in the area. No cause for Dr. Shepard’s collapse could be found by the medical team. Dr. Adrian Vetrovs signing off.” 

Again there was darkness for only a moment before Dr. Vetrovs was back, looking exactly the same. 

“WEP-52, day 17. Entry 3. Dr. Cruz and Dr. Anthony were able to get closer to the lake but Dr. Anthony passed out and Dr. Cruz was forced to abandon the effort to get near the lake. Dr. Anthony reported the same feeling as Dr. Shepard. Whatever the cause of this fainting, it seems it affects some of us more strongly than others. Dr. Cruz and a few other scientists are going to attempt to approach the lake again, this time with orders to continue on even if any of the scientists faint. We need to get a sample of what's in that lake. I hope to see it myself soon. Dr. Adrian Vetrovs signing off.”

There was a black screen and then Vetrov appear, but only for a second before the computer started to whir loudly and the picture cut out. 

“What happened?” Sara asked, looking over Mickey's shoulder.

“Must be how old the machine is, some of the files are corrupted. Let me see if I can find anything to watch.”

“I think we should go,” Mila told them, feeling uneasy with their rapt interest in this scientist. It wasn't that she wasn't curious, it was just that this talk if lakes that make you faint while you feel a presence you can't see was making her feel like they needed to get off this planet now. “This could easily turn into the Museum again.”

Mickey turned when she said that, looking for a moment like himself before his face regained the sort of oddness it had had before. 

“We're the only ones here,” Sara pointed out. “We'll be fine.”

Mila could see she wasn't winning this argument and she knew she wouldn't leave her three friends, especially not when they were in such a state.

“Okay. Fine.”

After a few silent moments, another video appeared. Dr. Vetrovs was there in the same clothes and with the same expression, at least on the surface. Looking closer, he looked more disheveled and there was something manic about his gaze. His voice, though, was still even. 

“WEP-52, day 52. Entry 13. The experiments have been a success and I can concretely say that the lake is alive. Even when separated, the specimen remains alive. It is unclear whether this is plant, animal, or something else. Its properties are unknown but strange. If you'll forgive me some unscientific observations from some who have worked on this substance, they tend to talk about strange occurrences and feelings. Dr. Shepard, the first scientist affected but the lake, told me about hearing what sounded like unintelligible whispers when near the sample. Dr. Ito said he felt like he was being watched. Many similar anecdotes have been heard, most of which were not widely shared before I learned of them. While a psychological explanation can't be ruled out, it is prescient to point out that I along with many others who have witnessed or heard of what the lake can and has done have had no similar experiences. There is little that can be done about these feelings… but I think we're onto something. Dr. Adrian Vetrovs signing off.”

“WEP-52, day 59. Entry 14. Something terrible happened today. Dr. Shepard took the sample and tried to bring it back to the lake. We were able to detain him, but in the struggle the sample's casing was broke. A small amount got on Dr. Shepard's bare skin as he wasn't in proper lab gear. It absorbed through his skin before we could do anything. It was like his skin was nothing more than cheesecloth. He's been passed out since then because we put him under forced sedation but we'll wake him up tomorrow. Dr. Adrian Vetrovs signing off.”

“WEP-52, day 60. Entry 15. It seems that Dr. Cruz has lost his mind completely. He keeps talking about bringing back the lake. He said that while he was sleeping, it spoke to him and sai—”

The video cut out and Mickey made an annoyed noise as he started to type and click until the video appeared. This time, though, Dr. Vetrovs looked very different. 

He was no longer wearing a lab coat over his clothes. Instead, he was in just a short sleeved t-shirt. The slight change in his eyes from earlier had taken over his entire body, his previously serious lips splitting into a small smile.

“The greatest scientists have tested their work on themselves. I am simply continuing this tradition.” He raised a syringe into view. It was full of inky liquid that seemed to absorb all light that reached it. “I will see the light I know this water will give me and then I will help change the universe.” 

When he moved to insert the needle into his arm, Mila looked away. She wasn't afraid of needles but this was too much.

“Soon I will know everything and then I will be like a god to the mere humans around me. A sample of the lake has already been sent to the main lab in the capital. If they're smart, they'll know what to do with it. I know I know what to do with our samples here.” He paused for a long time then continued, looking off into the middle distance. “The greatest scientists first tested on themselves and then on those around them. I am one of the greats.”

The video cut abruptly and just as Mila thought it was another corrupted video, the next video appeared, an exhausted Vetrov drastically contrasting the image of him they'd seen only moments earlier. 

“Every night I hear it. Every night it asks me questions in a language I don't know but which I can understand. It wants to know where it is. It wants to know where I've taken it. It wants itself back. The others hear it too, I know. Some just scream. Some just cry. Some understand as I do but the understanding is terrible.” He looked momentarily horrified before shaking his head and returning his expression to a grim but mostly neutral mask. “It wants it back but there’s nothing we can do. Even if I got back the sample sent off-planet, I can’t return the samples in our bodies.” He let his face fall into his hands, his voice muffled as he continued. “Have I doomed us all?” 

Vetrov stood slowly, his movement unnatural as he walked out of the frame without turning the camera off. 

\---

When Yuri woke up, he was laying on a warm carpet in front of an even warmer fire. It took a second, but he realized that he knew this carpet and he knew that fireplace and he knew the smell of the place around him.

Yuri sat up quickly looking around the room wildly, his mind barely able to process the fact of where he was. 

This was the living room of his home. It was the living room he’d spent many long winters in, cuddled under a blanket in front of the fireplace as his mama or grandpa talked. Sometimes they’d talk to each other and sometimes they would talk to Yuri. Sometimes that talking included stories or songs and sometimes it was really just a conversation about the day. 

At first, Yuri thought he was alone but then he noticed that someone was asleep on the couch. Before he could say anything, she sat up, turning to look at him with eyes that looked so much like a mirror. 

People liked to say he looked like his father, but Yuri didn’t understand it. He had his father’s hair and sometimes in his formal uniform he could see how a stranger would mistake him for his father. But when Yuri looked in the mirror, it was Inna Plisetskaya he saw reflected back. Their faces were largely the same, from their eyes to their noses to the shape of their ears. They had similar builds, skinny and small-looking though not weak. He’d heard his mother described as lithe before and he was pretty certain he possessed that same trait even if he found it to be an odd descriptor. They really had only two major difference in their looks: his mama had a head of long, black hair and her skin was a few shades darker than his. 

“Mama?” Yuri asked, uncertain and a little scared by the figure now rising to sit up on the couch. She looked too skinny, even for his very skinny mama, and her eyes were red like she’d been crying. 

“Yuratchka?” She asked, sounding fragile in a way he couldn’t remember her ever sounding. “Is that really you?”

“I… I think so,” Yuri said. “I don’t know how, but… Mama, are you alright?”

“No, I don’t think I am,” she told Yuri, her face almost entirely void of any emotion. The only place that showed any emotion was her grief-stricken eyes. “You are dead.”

“No, I’m not. The Military is lying.” 

“You’re just like your father,” Yuri wasn’t sure if she was ignoring his statement or if she hadn’t heard him. “Running off into the stars to get yourself killed. And for what? To save a few lives? What about your family? What about me?”

“Mama, I’m alive.”

“For how long?”

Yuri wasn’t sure how to respond to that, his entire body frozen as he focused in on the accusation in his mama’s eyes. 

“I plan to survive for a lot longer,” he told her, his voice small and weak. “We’re doing something good out here.”

“Good. That’s all you Plisetsky’s ever talk about,” she spat, her face turning to one of anger that made Yuri take a step back. “Am I not worth more than a couple of strangers?” 

“Mama–”

“Just admit it, all you want is to run away. You just want to be free of me and everything else your home has to offer.” 

“I’d give anything to come home, Mama,” Yuri said honestly, feeling young and weak. He’d never seen his mother this angry, at least not at him, and he didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know what to feel. All he knew was this anger made him feel like he was seven and had broken a prized family heirloom. “Really.” 

His mama stood slowly, towering over Yuri in a way that should have been impossible since he was taller than her. She was tall—taller than his father—but Yuri had inherited that trait too and had a bit of height on her. Still, right now she made Yuri feel like a child as she towered over him. 

“My mama always said that no good would come of getting involved with the Plisetsky boy but I didn’t listen to her. Now look at me, abandoned by three generations of Plisetsky boys.”

“I– we didn’t abandon you,” Yuri defended, his voice weak as he shrunk himself. “I’m sorry, I never meant to do this to you.”

For a moment his mama seemed to swell to new heights but then suddenly her anger was gone and she crumbled to the floor, her face held in her hands as she sobbed. 

“Mama?”

“I’ve lost everything.” She said through her sobs. “I have nothing left.”

Yuri took a step towards her but she seemed impossibly far away. He was powerless to comfort her and he was scared. Scared and sad and lost. 

When Yuri finally realized he could reach her to even try to comfort her, his knees started to shake.

“Mama, please.”

She didn’t respond, didn’t even react his voice, and Yuri felt so weak. He was so terrified of this entire encounter and had no idea what to do.

Finally, his shaking knees gave out and he collapsed to the group, his mind going blank as he realized he had no way of fixing his mistakes. 

\---

When the camera still remained on, Mickey found a way to fast-forward the video. There was a long stretch of nothing but then Vetrov appeared again and Mickey stopped it, not bothering to rewind because Vetrov didn’t say or do anything but stand unnaturally still, staring at something. Vetrov himself was partially out of frame, a look of horror plastered onto his features. He stared silently for a long time, over a minute, before he began to talk, seeming to be addressing someone off-camera. 

“I’m sorry. I can’t return it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I can’t return it. I’m sorry. I can’t–” 

Vetrov was cut off as a gun rang out through the speakers. Mila turned away from the screen, but not quickly enough to miss the bullet going through Vetrov’s head and sending him to the ground. Her mind was quickly brought back to her last moments in The Museum and she felt sick. 

“Sara, I want to get out of here!” Mila shouted, Sara’s head snapping back to look at Mila. For a moment the look in her eyes was terrifying but then the emotion cleared and Sara looked like she was back to her old self. Mila was shaking as she whispered, “Please.” 

“Mila.” Sara’s voice was worried as she rushed towards Mila, grabbing Mila’s shoulders to keep her from collapsing. “Mickey, Emil, we’re getting out of here.”

“Not yet,” Mickey said, his voice commanding. “He wants to know what happened here and this will tell him.” 

Sara paused, feeling anxiety rush back into her veins. It was anxiety that she was aware she should have been feeling a long time ago. 

“Mila, let’s go outside. I’ll come back to get them myself.”

The two of them walked slowly from the room, leaving Mickey and Emil watching the screen intently as people rushed in. There was a lot of shouting and then another face appeared on the screen. 

The woman on screen had a wild look about her, but one that was more natural for the situation she was probably in. She looked to be in her late twenties with dark hair pulled back into a ponytail. She had on a lab coat with a noticeably torn sleeve and as she came into view of the camera she pulled it off, laying it over what Emil and Mickey assumed was Vetrov’s body. 

“WEP-52, day… I have no clue. Entry… Fuck, I don’t know.” She shook her head. “Dr. Vetrov is dead as are countless others. If you don’t make it to us in time, I want you all to know what happened here. That lake is alive. We meddled with something we didn’t understand and people are dead. Those who weren’t immobilized by fits of crying or screaming have completely lost their minds. They attacked each other and they attacked those of us untouched by the samples. Dr. Vetrov forcefully administered shots containing samples from the lake to many members of this lab. Seven of us are held up here, in the main control room. Kaiden Townsend, Heidy Leonard, Lena Crosby, Jacey Lawson, Danika Gamble, Savion Franklin, and I—Katie Cruz—are here. We don’t know if anyone else is still alive. God, I hope you come in time. You’re on your way but I don’t know how long we’ll last here–” There was a banging sound and Cruz looked up quickly, then back down at the computer. She reached out like she was going to turn off the video but paused for a moment. “May God save us all. Doctor Katie Cruz, signing off.” 

The screen when black and before Mickey could check for more, Sara returned. 

“You two need to get out of here. I don’t know what’s going on, but this place is messing with us.”

Mickey and Emil turned to look at Sara and for a moment she was struck by the oddness of their gazes. Had she really not noticed until now?

“Guys!” 

Then their eyes cleared and they were back to the people Sara knew. Before they could speak or even stand, the screen came back alive. There was a woman on the screen again, but this one was completely different. 

She was in her mid-thirties, wearing a crisp suit that seemed out of place in this environment where they’d previously always seen lab coats. Overall, the woman looked immaculate as she looked into the camera with clear, blue eyes. 

She had a slight smile on her lips when she spoke. 

“WEP-52. Three years, seven months, and 15 days after The Vetrov Incident. Final Entry. We’ve finished restructuring this facility and as this room will soon be obsolete, I thought it prudent to give this log a proper ending. The experiments with The Strangers went well and we’ve concluded that the future subjects should be kept away from the pond. For now, they will be housed on the light-side of WEP-52. We will also be using less concentrated samples. Recruitment has gone well, as has the… drafting from the outer region. We have begun the administering of samples but that will be kept on our new computer system. For more information on the new trials, please find an appropriate computer. This is the final goodbye in these logs. Doctor Olivia Hastings signing off and shutting down.” 

The computer went silent and Sara took that opportunity to give Mickey and Emil a hard look.

“We need to get out of here right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so a couple of things all happened at one that led me down this hiatus path. One was being a little burned out by NaNoWriMo mo. Also, I don't know why I thought I'd be able to work in this in November given I was working on a piece for NaNoWriMo. I basically didn't do any work on this in November so I couldn't start posting again at the beginning of December. Then Christmas time came around and I was busy and also really sad and lonely because when you live on the other side of the world from your friends and family, the holidays aren't exactly a blast. Then I just had plain old writer's block. Finally, this chapter took a lot longer to finish than expected and, as you can see, it's being broken up into two parts because it was over 10K words long by itself. 
> 
> So, I should be back on my every other week posting schedule, but if I'm able to finish the next arc by this weekend, I will up it to every week, at least for January. I'm posting this on a Saturday night because I'll be busy next week, but in the future, I'll be posting on Sundays again. So, there's a chance I'll be back next Saturday, but if not, I'll see you on the 12th.
> 
> Happy New Year and thank you for sticking around through my unplanned two-month hiatus. I really want to stick this landing, so I'm working really hard on these final chapters.


	31. Our Hearts Were Full of Darkness Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2: There is Light
> 
> The past will always remain, but the present won't wait around.

When Yuuri woke up—he didn’t remember falling asleep—he was back in the familiar-unfamiliar room and, once again, he was faced with his father. 

“Dad?” Yuuri asked, standing up slowly. “What’s going on?”

“Hiroko, I don’t understand.” Toshiya shook his head. “Was I incorrect about the meaning of dad?”

“Why do you keep calling me Hiroko?” Yuuri shook his head. “I don’t know who you are, but you can’t be my dad.” 

“Of course I’m not truly this man… What was his name? Toshiya, am I correct?” 

‘Toshiya’ paused and before Yuuri’s eyes, he shifted into a new figure. This time, the man standing in front of Yuuri was one he knew by heart. The silver hair. The blue eyes. The smile. 

“Stop it!” Yuuri shouted, shutting his eyes. But that didn’t do any good, the image was still there. The fake Viktor was still there. “I don’t know why you’re doing this, but leave me alone!” 

The shape shifted again and now the person in front of Yuuri was his own mother.

“Why are you doing this?” Yuuri asked, feeling helpless. 

“I’m just trying to find a form you like.” ‘Hiroko’ looked confused and worried. “When we last talked, the one called Toshiya was a good form. I’m confused, Hiroko.”

“My name isn’t Hiroko,” Yuuri clenched his teeth for a moment. “My name is Yuuri. I don’t know why you’re pretending to be my parents, but you need to stop.”

“Your… parents?” ‘Hiroko’ shook her head. “What are parents?”

Yuuri stared for a long time at his not-mother, confused and just feeling too tired for this. 

“You… You’re a parent. Toshiya is a parent. Moms and dads are parents.”

“Oh,” ‘Hiroko’ nodded. “I know mom and dad. You told me that you were mom to Mari.”

“No, you’re talking about Hiroko again. Hiroko is my mom and Mari is my sister.”

‘Hiroko’ looked momentarily upset before smiling again. 

“Human things confuse me still. You’re always teaching me new things. I’m glad you’re back.”

“I’m confused,” Yuuri admitted. “I’ve never been to this planet before.”

“Sure you have. We used to talk. I don’t know how long ago it was, human time is hard for me. It’s been a while, though.” ‘Hiroko’ paused again. “What form would you rather I take? I don’t want to upset you… Yuuri.” 

“Just… not my family, please. Isn’t there anyone you can choose that I don’t know?” 

‘Hiroko’ thought for a long time before shifting again, this time into a tall and thin woman. She had long, black hair and green eyes that struck Yuuri with a familiarity he couldn’t place. She looked familiar, but he couldn’t really say why. 

“Who…?”

“This is one of your friends’... mom, I think.” They nodded. “The blond one. He thinks about her a lot.” 

“Yuri’s mother?” Yuuri asked, looked more closely and realizing that she did look a lot like Yuri. 

“Yuri? But you’re Yuri?”

“We have the same name,” Yuuri explained. “We’re different people, though.” 

“Oh.” They shook their head. “Humans are confusing.” 

“I can agree with that.” Yuuri felt odd not having a name for this… whatever it was. “Do you have a name?”

“A name…” They looked thoughtful. “I nearly forgot. Hiroko gave me a name. She called me Tazawa.”

“Tazawa, huh?” Yuuri knew that name, it was the name of a lake near his mother’s hometown. “Tazawa it is.” 

“So, how have you been? How is Hiroko?” 

“She’s good,” Yuuri said. “I’ve been better.” 

“Ah, yes, the man I saw. You lost him?”

“Yes,” Yuuri nodded. “Viktor. My husband. I’m looking for him.”

“I want you to find him,” Tazawa said. “I’m sorry you lost him. I know Hiroko was afraid to lose Toshiya.”

“Can you explain how you know my mom?” Yuuri asked, genuinely confused. “Why did you think I was her?”

“I believe, I may have misunderstood humans again.” They sighed. “You’re all very complicated. When I last saw you– saw Hiroko, she was different from most people I had seen. A long, long time ago, it was just me and the plants here in my home. Then people came and I tried to talk to them, but they couldn’t really understand me, which was sad. Then they started to take parts of me away and that was really scary.” They shuddered at the memory. “I did bad things. I did mean things. I was scared and wanted them to stop and I think I hurt a lot of people.”

“You… hurt people?”

“I didn’t know what to do,” Tazawa said, looking extremely upset by the memory. “I tried to explain to Hiroko, but it was difficult. She asked if it was like someone taking Mari, taking a… child. But it wasn’t that. It was like they were taking _me_. So I hurt them and they left. I never got those parts of me back, but that was okay because the people were gone. Then people came back. This time they were too far away for me to hurt them, but I could talk to them. That’s how I met Hiroko. I met lots of people, actually, but Hiroko was the most interesting. Everyone had one mind but she had two. I could talk to you both. The not you Hiroko talked to me at night when she slept and the you Hiroko talked to me during the day. Or, maybe you didn’t talk to me, but we communicated. You were different than the other Hiroko but you were also fun to be around.”

“Oh,” Yuuri blinked, something clicking in his mind. “I think I understand.”

“What?”

“The ‘me Hiroko’ and the ‘not me Hiroko’ were two different people, you just didn’t realize. I wasn’t born yet. I’m like Mari, but back then I wasn’t a person yet. I was still growing, which is why I didn’t talk or anything.” 

“Strange,” Tazawa said. “I don’t think I totally understand, but I accept that I don’t always understand humans.” 

“We’re pretty confusing,” Yuuri admitted, looking around the room they were in. “Where are we?”

“I believe this was where Hiroko lived. She liked this room.” 

“My mom does love cooking,” Yuuri agree, smiling a little. “I miss her a lot.”

“I miss her too.” Yuuri looked up at Tazawa. “She was one of the few who would really talk to me. She told me all about humans and about herself. She taught me not to be so afraid and she made me want to help people instead of hurt them.”

“You want to help people?” Yuuri tilted his head to the side. “How so?”

“Your friends can’t talk to me like you can,” Tazawa explained. “But I’m trying to help. There is one who I couldn’t help because I couldn’t talk to her at all, but the other three with her listened to me. I told them how to use the old computer that the first scary man used to use. They wanted to know what happened here, so I showed them. And your other two friends were upset. The one who thinks of her,” They gestured to their body, “could talk to me a little, but not like you. The other one can listen but, like most people, can’t speak. Those two were really upset about people, so I tried to help them.” 

Yuri thought about the people on the crew, going over them all while thinking about their faces. 

“I think those two are Yuri and Otabek. The others are Mila, Sara, Mickey, and Emil. They’re all good people.”

“They seem nice.” Tazawa sighed. “I want to help them.” 

“I hope you can, but you need to be careful. I think we might have passed out and that can be scary for humans.”

“Hope…” Tazawa blinked a few more times. “What is hope?”

“Hope is…” Yuuri stopped. “Well, you keep saying you want to do things. It’s sort of like that. It’s when you want something to happen or to be true. I hope I can find Viktor. I hope my mom is okay. I hope things work out.” 

“Hope…” Tazawa tilted their—well, Yuri’s mother’s—head to the side and then smiled. “Hope. I like it.” 

Yuuri returned Tazawa’s smile.

“Me too.”

\---

Yuri was still curled up on the floor when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Looking up he saw his mama, but when he turned to look at the couch she was still there. 

His second mama looked much better than the other mama. Her eyes were tired and she looked stressed, but no more than usual. She was kneeling next to Yuri, her eyes full of concern. 

“Yuratchka, what’s wrong?”

“You–” Yuri pointed at the mama on the couch. “You hate me.”

“Oh, baby,” she smoother back Yuri’s hair, “I could never hate you. You’re my baby and I’ll always love you.”

“I left you, just like everyone else.”

“Yuratchka, you’re doing what you want to do, I could never hate you for that.” 

“But I saw you!” He exclaimed. “On the news! You had to watch me die. You watched Papa die. Grandpa is gone. Your family left and it’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault at all.”

Inna sighed, looking thoughtfully around the room. Finally, she stood and walked over to the other Inna, crouching next to her.

“Come on, then, get up.” 

Couch-Inna looked up, her eyes red and hateful. 

“Why should I? The world’s never given me anything.”

“It gave you your life.” Inna shook her head. “It gave you the power to be your own person.” 

There was a long pause before, finally, Couch-Inna nodded at New-Inna, taking the hand that she was offered. In that moment she disappeared into smoke and New-Inna turned back to Yuri.

“Do you think that I don’t have hate in me? Do you think I don’t have sadness and resentment in me? We all do. You do. Your friends and crew do. We all have something in this world that we hate or resent or that makes us immeasurably sad, but that’ll never drag me down.”

“The universe has done so much to hurt you. I’ve done so much to hurt you.”

“Yuratchka, you’re still so young. You have a lot to learn. Here on Velirov, all we’ve ever had is hope and that’s what you need to realize. You come from a long line of people who have persevered on hope alone. So have some hope.”

“Hope is hard, though.” Yuri shook his head, his mind swimming as it tried to understand how this scene was happening. “I’ve done so much to hurt you.”

“Yuri.” Yuri looked up at Inna, who was now standing in front of him, back straight and chin up. She looked strong, like the person he knew she was. “Do you really think I’m so weak that you can destroy me?”

Yuri looked at Inna for a long time, uncertain about how to respond. But, he realized, she was right. His mama wasn’t someone to be protected. She wasn’t someone to be coddled. Nobody should be alone and neither should she, but that didn’t mean she didn’t know what she was doing. 

She’d grown up in a war zone. She’d fallen in love with a flighty captain. She’d had a child nearly alone. She’d worked hard to take care of her family when she lost the man she loved. She was one of the best nurses in the outer region. 

“No, no I don’t,” Yuri agreed. “You’re stronger than the rest of the Plisetskys combined.” 

“I might be a Plisetsky now, but I was born a Kuznetsov and you know what, a Kuznetsov could beat a Plisetsky any day.” Inna smiled mischievously and Yuri smile back. “Okay, that enough of that, Yuratchka, it’s time to get up. You have to go now.” 

“Okay.” Yuri nodded and Inna held out a hand, which he took gratefully, allowing himself to be pulled off the ground. “Okay.” 

Yuri felt lighter and let himself smile, breathing in slowly.

“You’re half Kuznetsov,” Inna said as Yuri closed his eyes. “So act like one.” 

Yuri let out the breath and for the first time in a while, he felt okay. 

\---

Otabek was lost in memories he wanted to forget. Despite being aware of the fact that these were only memories, he couldn’t break away from them. It felt like he was there, living it, but he knew it was all a remembrance of something from a long time ago. 

“Aidana, you can’t keep getting into fights,” Otabek reprimanded as he treated her scrapes and cuts. “You’re going to get really hurt.” 

“I’m fine,” she said, not looking at Otabek. “They deserved it.” 

They were both young—Otabek was maybe 9—and yet Aidana was almost the same height as Otabek. 

“I won’t always–” Otabek turned as there was a knock on the front door. “Stay here and be quiet.”

He grabbed the baseball bat he always used for protection when his parents were out of the house. He opened the door about halfway to see one of the local protectors—the closest thing the rebels had to police—and sighed. At least it wasn’t the military, but he was sure this man was looking for Aidana. She’d probably beat up some rebel’s son or something. 

“She’s not here,” Otabek said immediately. “I don’t know what my sister did, but she’s not here.” 

The protector blinked, looking confused before he spoke. “Oh, well, that’s fine, but I’m actually here to… Is your mother around, young man?” 

“No, she’s at work,” Otabek said, waiting for them to ask where his father was. But silence stretched and the man didn’t ask. His silence told Otabek more than the words that came next ever would. 

“Young man, I’m Azat. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Erasyl Altin was killed today. Was he your father?” 

In this strange theater Otabek was caught in, he never answered Azat—he didn’t think that was actually the man’s name because he really couldn’t remember the man introducing himself—and instead darkness swirling and he was at home again. 

Now he was, 14 and too skinny. The house around him was familiar, but compared to when he was younger it looked old and worn out. There were obvious signs that attentive hands had been caring for the house, but it was also obvious that those hands didn’t know what they were doing. A patch job that looked worse than the original hole had. A lamp held together with black electrical tape. A couch that had been patched and sewed with little skill. 

There was a knock at the door and Otabek tiredly dragged himself to see who it was. He’d forgotten his bat. He’d forgotten to be careful, his mind dragged down by the daily grind of school and sisters and worry. His sister was home right now, asleep in the other room, but his mother wasn’t back yet and so Otabek couldn’t sleep. 

The thought that the person at the door could be here to tell him his mother was dead was the main thought in his head and he didn’t even feel sad. It made sense. 

When he opened the door, instead of one of two military policemen, there were about five teenagers. The youngest one was about Aidana’s age and the oldest maybe a year older than Otabek. The oldest one was wearing a military uniform and while Otabek was worried, he wasn’t particularly impressed. After all, it wasn’t the uniform that was worrying Otabek as much as the black eye. 

“Where is that Altin bitch?” The uniformed one asked. 

“Excuse me?” Otabek asked, hating the way this guy towered over him. 

“I know Aidana lives here. That bitch can’t just attack a police officer without repercussions.” 

“She’s not home,” Otabek lied easily. “She hasn’t been home in almost a week.” 

“Yeah right.”

“I’m telling the truth,” Otabek shrugged. “So can you leave? I need to get some sleep.” 

“If she’s not home, you won’t mind us taking a look around, right?” 

“Actually, I would mind,” Otabek said, narrowing his eyes. “This is my home and you can fuck off. Your uniform doesn’t give you authority here.” 

“Actually,” he responded, “I think it does.” 

The fight that followed was a cloud of adrenaline and odds being stacked against Otabek. He took down the uniformed kid more easily than he should have been able to. The two youngest kids were easy and one ran before Otabek didn’t any damage. The last two were more difficult and he found himself on the ground pretty quickly. While they were kicking the shit out of him, Otabek’s eyes caught a uniformed man watching from a ways off. Before Otabek could think about the fact that a military man was watching a civilian be beat up, Aidana appeared and took down the last two guys. 

Even as Otabek’s memory swirled, he remembered how a day or two later two military men had come to their house with an offer for Otabek to join the military police. Their offer was good. It was great. It was too good to turn down. 

Then memories were gone as quickly as they had come and Otabek was in a black space, staring at his sister. She looked exactly like she had the day Otabek left. Before Otabek could speak, though, she changed and suddenly Otabek was looking at a young woman with a pair of strong, fiery eyes. 

“Beka,” she said, sounding like his mother and yet was unmistakable Aidana. “What are you doing on the floor?”

Then they were in their living room, Otabek sitting on the floor for only a moment before Aidana held out a hand and he took it. When he was on his feet, he realized Aidana was taller than him by a good two or three centimeters. She was wearing clean, tailored clothes and she smiled at him with a wicked sort of smirk that Otabek remembered all too well. 

“What’s wrong with you, Beka? Nothing to say?”

“You really cleaned yourself up,” Otabek said, earning him a punch in the shoulder. “What? It’s true. Last time I saw you I’m pretty sure you hadn’t brushed your hair in a week.” 

“Shut up, idiot,” she laughed. “But of course I cleaned myself up. Can’t really be a politician if you have grass-stained knees.”

“No way you’re a politician.”

“Yes way,” Aidana responded petulantly. “I’m the junior senator from disputed district 3A.” 

“Always knew you’d do better than me,” Otabek laughed a little. “How’s Mama?”

“She’d be better if you called.” 

“I know,” Otabek said with a sigh. “It’s not that easy anymore.” 

“Nothing is, but that’s what makes it worth it.” Aidana turned around as she folded her hands behind her back. “In school, they always told me things like ‘good things come to those who wait’ and bullshit like that, but I decided it was time to stop waiting. It’s all our responsibility to change the world.” 

“I’m trying to help change the world,” Otabek told her. “I just don’t know if it’ll work.”

“All that matters is that you’re trying,” Aidana said, a smile in her voice. “Us Altins are hearty, you know? Papa was. Mama is. You and I are. We’re not going to be stopped, no matter what.” She turned back around, a huge smile on her face. “We’ve lived our lives with nothing but hope to hold on to so don’t get too down.”

“Hope is becoming harder, I guess. Everything seems so hard, so harsh out here.”

“We grew up with harsh. We know what that’s like, so don’t go soft on me now,” Aidana was smiling, obviously not actually insulting her brother. “In all this,” she gestured around them, seeming to mean Otabek’s mind, “you keep forgetting the important bits of these memories.” 

“How so?” 

The end of an earlier scene played out again, this time with Otabek and Aidana watching a younger Otabek talk to a thirty or forty-year-old man at the door. 

“Young man, I’m Azat. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Erasyl Altin was killed today. Was he your father?” 

“Yes,” younger Otabek said. “How– What happened?” 

“His squad was captured by CF soldiers. He was able to get many of them released… including myself.” Azat took off the hat he was wearing, seeming only to realize he still had it on. “He saved our lives at the expense of his own. I’m sorry this had to happen, but he was a good man.”

The scene was swallowed again and Otabek shook his head. 

“I know he was a good man, but Papa still left us all behind. And for what? A cause that ended up being meaningless?”

“Was it really meaningless?” Aidana asked. “You said yourself that fighting for good is the right things to do.” 

“This isn’t what I meant when I said that.” Otabek shook his head. 

“Was Mama any different?” 

Before Otabek could respond, the scene changed and he saw himself maybe a year after his father’s death. He was holding tightly to his mother’s arm, trying to keep her from leaving. 

“Please, Mama, please don’t go!” He wasn’t crying, but there were tears in his eyes and his voice was shaking badly. “Dima’s mama died last week when they bombed her school. Please don’t go!” 

“Beka, honey, I know you’re scared but I have to do this.”

“Mama, please!” The tears that had been until then held back finally fell onto his cheeks as he collapsed to his knees. “I don’t wanna’ be alone.”

Alyia sighed and sat down next to her son, pulling out a tissue for him as she smoothed back his hair. 

“You’ll never be alone. You have Aidana. Even when we’re not with you, me and your papa are here for you. We’ll always be in your heart.” 

“I don’t want you guys in my heart, I want you here. I want Papa back and I don’t want you to go too!” 

“A long, long time ago there was a really good man and do you know what he said? He said that ‘education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.’ The first time I ever heard that I was your age and I decided I wanted to be a teacher.” Otabek looked at his mother expectantly, unconvinced that what she had to say would change his mind. “I would give anything to have you grow up somewhere far away from all this pain and all this war, but I don’t have that option. The only thing I can give you is a ticket away from here and education is your best chance at something better than this. It’s also the ticket for this whole planet to have a chance at something better.

“Your papa fought in his way and I’ll fight in mine. I dream that one day you and your sister won’t have to worry about the things I’ve grown up worrying about, but for now, I know that’s not possible.”

“You homeschool us so we don’t have to go to school,” Otabek said quietly. “Why do you have to go to school?” 

“Because I’m a little selfish,” Alyia told him, biting her lip. “Your best chance will come not from one or two educated minds, but an entire army of education. This planet taught kids how to wield a sword very well, but it’s my job to teach you all to wield a pen.” 

“I don’t understand.”

“That’s okay.” Alyia leaned down to kiss Otabek’s forehead. “The sword keeps us safe, but education will save us.” 

The scene faded and Otabek was again alone with Aidana. 

“The Altin family had always been kept afloat by hope and you can’t stop now.” 

Otabek almost started to argue, but suddenly he found there was nothing left for him to argue. She was right, hope was all he had and he’d ride that wave for as long as he could. 

“You know,” Otabek said to Aidana even as he felt his mind getting a little fuzzier, almost like he was falling asleep. “I met a really great guy out here. I hope you can meet him someday.”

“I hope so too,” Aidana said with a smile. “Now go out there and do what you can.” 

“You too,” Otabek said, walking over to Aidana and pulling her into a hug. “Never let them stop you from being great.”

“They haven’t yet,” Aidana laughed. “I love you, Beka.”

“I love you too, Junior Senator Altin.” 

Aidana laughed and the scene completely dissolved, Otabek’s mind going blank.

\---

Yuuri didn’t know how long he’d been sitting and talking with Tazawa when he realized something that seemed suddenly obvious. 

“Do you know what ‘attunement’ is?” 

“Attunement?” Tazawa tilted their head, obviously confused. “I’ve never heard that word before.”

“It’s like… magic, in a way.” Yuuri wasn’t sure how to explain it since he wasn’t completely sure what it meant. “I’m attuned and Yuri is a little bit attuned. I think my mom might have been attuned. I’m starting to suspect that Viktor was also attuned. Is attuned. Each person’s attunement seems to be different, but it gives people powers, I think. Mine has something to do with protection.” 

Tazawa seemed to be thinking, “I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you mean.”

“I first heard the term a while back, on a terrible planet.” Yuuri shuttered just thinking about the Museum. “The people there called themselves curators. They all had… abilities that had to do with something they called attunement. They had physic abilities. They could read minds, change mind. They could recall our memories and, I think, maybe manifest those memories.” 

Yuuri paused for a moment, making a sudden connection between what other’s had said about the Museum. His experience had been different, but he had decided that was because of his apparent protection ability. 

“It was a lot like this planet,” he told Tazawa. “The others, they saw memories and people they knew, usually warped in some way or another. I still think what you’ve shown me is different from what they described, but I think that has to do with my ability to talk to you directly. I wonder… is my attunement the reason I can talk to you?” 

“Tell me more about what they did, with their minds I mean.” 

“Well, one of them sort of took over my mind. This was before I was able to protect my own mind. Then they captured me and read my mind. They tormented me with my own doubts and my own dark memories. They tried to get me to stay in their museum.” 

“Wait!” Tazawa sat up straighter, looking intently at Yuuri. “Their museum?” 

“Yeah, they have this planet full of people frozen in weird glass-like stuff.”

“The Strangers!” Tazawa clapped their hands together. “I remember them. I met them before I met Hiroko or any of the others. I was still angry at the time and I hurt some of them, though it turned out they didn’t have any of me in them. I don’t know how they got to be able to talk to me, but they were like you.”

“So people with attunement can talk to you?” Yuuri mused. “But those with low attunment can only listen?” 

“I am still a little confused by this term you use, but I think I know what you mean. There are some who are naturally… attuned, but I’ve only ever met like that are The Strangers. Everyone else is like you and Hiroko, with a little bit of me in your blood.”

“The Military has been messing with this for a long time now,” Yuuri said. “And they still are. I’m sorry you had to be part of all this. They took bits of you to help themselves.” 

“It’s alright, I’m not angry anymore. Hiroko helped me not to be angry.” Tazawa thought for a moment before asking a simple question that hit Yuuri like a freight train. “Are you angry with your Viktor?”

Yuuri sighed, wondering if he was angry. Had he ever been angry? Yes, he’d been angry at Viktor for disappearing, but mostly he’d been sad. He was still sad.

“Maybe,” Yuuri finally admitted. “But until I know why he left, it’s hard to be that angry. If I’m angry with him and it turns out it wasn’t his fault, then I’ll feel bad.”

“But you’re sad?”

“Yeah, I am,” Yuuri said, nodding. “I love him.” 

“Love is still a difficult thing for me to understand,” Tazawa told Yuuri. “But maybe I’m starting to understand it a little more. If you found out that someone took your Viktor, would you be angry then? Would you be angry at those people”

“Yes, I think so,” Yuuri thought briefly before adding, “But I think it would be the wrong choice. Anger can be helpful, but I think it’s often destructive.” 

“I agree,” Tazawa said. “Hiroko once told me that anger was like a forest fire. Even though it can be good for the forest when it’s natural, an unnatural fire will burn everything up and destroy everything you love.” 

“In anger, you burn bright, but you have to be careful not to burn too long or you’ll burn up.” Yuuri laughed to himself. “That’s what my mom used to say to me and Mari. Usually Mari. I guess she streamlined her metaphors a little.” 

Tazawa laughed along with Yuuri but when the laughter petered out, their face looked suddenly sad. 

“I need to let you go.”

“I guess you’re right. I can’t stay here forever.”

“I know. I wish you could, though.” 

“I think… me too. If I didn’t have other things to do, I’d stay with you.” Yuuri stood and walked around the table, reaching down to hug Tazawa. “Thank you. For everything.” 

“I wish I could help you more to find your Viktor.” 

“That’s okay,” Yuuri told them. “You were good company.” 

“Say hello to Hiroko for me.” 

“Okay, I will.” 

“Goodbye Yuuri, son of Hiroko and Toshiya. Good luck finding your Vikor.” 

“I hope you can find some peace,” Yuuri told him.

“I… hope too,” Tazawa agreed. “This has been nice.”

Yuuri couldn’t respond before his vision faded like he was falling asleep, only to wake slowly in a cold, bright room he recognized. He’d woken here before in what seemed like another life. At that time he’d also woken from a dream-like state, though he’d talked to Viktor then.

He was alone in the med bay and he was only attached to a heart monitor. He stood carefully, remembering how he’d fallen last time, and found he was uninjured. He walked gingerly to the intercom, calling into the control room. 

“It’s Yuuri, is anyone there?” 

“Yuuri!” Sara’s voice shouted through the intercom, excitement and relief obvious in her tone. “You’re awake!” 

“Yep, I guess I am.” Yuuri laughed to himself. “What happened? Last thing I remember, we were on a planet and Yuri was leading us… somewhere.”

“We left the planet about a day ago,” Sara told him. “We couldn’t find you three, but then Otabek and Yuri returned with you. You were still passed out, but you were breathing and seemed healthy otherwise. You’ve been out since then.”

“A day?” Yuuri gasped. “I’ve been passed out for a day?” 

“You have,” Yuri’s voice joined into the call. “You gave us a real scare, Katsuki.”

Yuuri laughed at the way Yuri tried to pretend he didn’t care while so obviously caring deeply. 

“Everyone else is okay?”

“Other than being shaken up, we’re fine,” Yuri responded. “That planet was weird.”

“Yeah….” Yuuri agreed slowly. “But, it was kind of nice.”

There was a long silence on the other end of the call then Yuri responded, quiet but certain. 

“It was.” Suddenly, Yuri’s voice was back to its normal tone and quality. “Now get some sleep, Katsuki. I know you’ve been out for a day, but I doubt that was actually very restful. We’re all taking a little breather before we move on and you should too.”

“Okay, sounds good,” Yuuri agreed. “And Yuri?”

“What?”

“I think… I think things are going to be okay.” 

Yuri paused for a beat but when he spoke, Yuuri could hear the smile in his voice. “Yeah, I think so too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I nearly forgot to post this because I didn't even realize it was Sunday, I have such a good grasp on linear time :D 
> 
> Also, the next chapter is a bitch to write and I am 95% sure I'll have the next chapter finished in two weeks, but there is a chance I'll have to wait three weeks because I'm trying to put more time into things like exercising and studying Japanese. And getting a correct amount of sleep every night. I have a pretty rigid schedule I follow these days and unfortunately there just isn't as much time to write. I'd say I'll have more time once the next JLP test is over, but that's not until July and I had better be done with this by then. 
> 
> Thank you for sticking around! And thank you for reading and commenting!!!
> 
> (Fun fact about this chapter is that I wrote some shorthand notes about it on a piece of paper then forgot about them for like a month. When I found them I was really confused because my boss's name is Hiroko so I had a note that said 'Hiroko calls the lake Tazawa' and I was so confused for a good ten minutes)


	32. Our Futures Were Full of Questions Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1: Where We're Going
> 
> _Hearts left in a desert_  
>  _Futures clouded and strange_  
>  _Minds with no purpose or meaning_  
>  _Eyes mesmerized by something unnamed_
> 
> _Where are we going?_  
>  _What will we do?_  
>  _What is the reason for this?_
> 
> _Where are we going?_  
>  _What will we do?_  
>  _Where are we going to lie?_

For the first time on the trip so far, Mila had been successful in convincing Yuuri to spar with her. Everyone but Yuuri and Mila was busy, with Yuuri temporarily banned from the control room because he wasn’t getting enough rest according to Mickey. 

Sparring was hardly restful, but obviously, Yuuri wasn’t really in the mood for rest based on how easy it had been for Mila to convince him. 

It had turned out to be surprisingly easy for Yuuri to get Mila into a pin. 

“How are you so good?” Mila asked, half complaining as she and Yuuri finished another round, both of them silently agreeing to take a break.

“I think in an all-out fight, you’d still beat me.” Yuuri sat down as he took a drink of water, Mila following suit.

“You’re still really good. How is that even possible? No offense, but poets aren’t really known for their toughness in battle.” 

“I trained for most of my life in martial arts,” Yuuri explained. “As well as learned some non-martial arts fighting techniques. I competed on my home planet, actually.” 

“Really?” Mial shook her head. “Competitive martial arts… I wouldn’t have pegged you as a competitive person.”

“I can get pretty nervous when it comes to competition, but I’ve been told I’m pretty competitive.” Yuuri laughed a little to himself. “Do you remember Minami and Yuudai?”

“Sure,” Mila nodded for a few seconds before something seemed to dawn on her. “Oh! I completely forgot that I never asked you about those competitions after that.”

“We competed together. Minami is really good and was placed way above the level people of his age usually are. During the last competition I was in, he was still a really little kid. I’m talking ten years old or something and he beat me. I still can’t believe he was so far from home, I thought for sure he’d still be competing.”

“Wow, that’s impressive. Maybe we should have gotten him to come with us,” Mila said with a laugh. “But he did say you were off that day.”

“Sure, but that’s no excuse.” Yuuri could still remember how much he’d hurt at that time. His dog had just died suddenly and he wasn’t home to be there. “I stopped competing after that because I was planning to head to the Stellar Academy, but it was too stressful so I didn’t go. I moved to Gallia when I was eighteen because there was nothing for me on my home planet that would have made me happy. Gallia was a little far, but it was still in the same galaxy cluster.”

“What did you do in Gallia?”

“Studied poetry,” Yuuri explained, “that’s how I became a poet.” 

“Ah, I see,” Mila said as she nodded. “That’s a lot of stuff to happen in only eighteen years.”

“You’re one to talk,” Yuuri pointed out, rolling his shoulders as he noticed how sore they were. He was starting to get old. “Everyone on this ship has something impressive about them.” 

“Sometimes I wonder if all of us went to fast,” Mila admitted. “Maybe all of this was too much. Maybe we shouldn’t have been allowed to do all this. We’re barely more than kids and we were given one of the best ships in the explorer fleet.”

“The universe doesn’t always give you a chance. I mean, look at Yuri. Maybe he had the option to slow down, but nobody really tried to convince him of that.” 

“I guess not,” Mila agreed, the two of them falling silent until the intercom came to life.

“Yuuri, Mila,” it was Sara, “we found something interesting.”

Yuuri stood first, heading to the intercom while Mila stayed on the ground, watching Yuuri intently. Before he reached the intercom, Yuuri grabbed his medallion, which he’d taken off before sparring. 

“It’s Yuuri, what did you find?”

“A planet with structures on it. They look military.”

Yuuri glanced at the medallion, “I only have 75. I don’t think Viktor is here.”

“Maybe not, but if we can get inside, there could be computers with information about his whereabouts.”

“Breaking into a military facility sounds hard. And dangerous,” Yuuri looked back at Mila worriedly. “It seems like a bad idea.” 

“I think we should at least land,” Yuri’s voice cut in. “We might end up leaving without doing much, but we’re pretty good at landing unnoticed in the shuttle.” 

Mila stood and walked over to the intercom and Yuuri stepped aside to let her speak. 

“If we’re doing this, I’m coming. I let you keep me here before, but not this time.” 

“I don’t know, Mila–” Yuri started, but didn’t get farther than that. 

“Well, I do. I’m here to protect this ship and I can’t protect anyone on a ship. I’m useless here and if we’re going to the surface, I’m coming with you.” 

After a few moments of silence, Yuri finally spoke. 

“Okay. I understand. Start making preparations, just in case. And Yuuri, meet me in the kitchen, we should discuss this.” 

“Sounds good,” Mila and Yuuri said at the same time before nodding to each other and heading in opposite directions. 

\---

By the time Yuuri and Yuri had started to look at the grainy images of the possible military base, Mila arrived to look over them too. Otabek had also come with Yuri to help them make plans, though Yuri had already made it clear that Otabek would stay on the Potya. 

“It looks like there are two layers of fences,” Mila commented. “And maybe some guard towers.”

“This looks like a prison,” Otabek commented worriedly. 

“Knowing the Military,” Yuri said, “it could be.”

“How are we ever going to get in here?” Yuuri asked, shaking his head. “This looks pretty well protected.”

“I’d guess it’s not heavily staffed,” Yuri said, looking at the images like they could tell him more than they already had. “All of this is secret. They can’t have that many soldiers who can be sent past The Edge to guard this place. I’d bet a lot on this being a mostly automated facility. If there was a lot of personnel on the planet there’d be more traffic on the ground and in space.”

“If you’re sure…” Yuuri said quietly, feeling queasy as he began to realize how difficult this was going to be. Not just this planet, but if– when they found Viktor, getting him back from the Military would be nearly impossible. 

“Of course I’m not sure,” Yuri shot back, “But this is what we have to do. And I think we can do it so stop making that face.”

“What face?” Yuuri asked, looking at Yuri confusedly. 

“You look like the world’s ending,” Yuri explained. “But it’s not, so quit that.” 

“Okay,” Yuuri said, smiling slightly. “I’ll remember that.”

“Good,” Yuri said while nodding to himself. “Now, here’s what I’m thinking.”

\---

Sara couldn’t help but worry as she watched Mila getting ready to go planetside. 

The current plan was that Sara would fly them down, then wait on the shuttle until either the three of them returned to the shuttle or Yuri told her to leave without them. She hated this plan, but it was the Captain’s orders and she wasn’t looking to start a mutiny at the moment. 

Even though this was the first or last time they’d be doing something dangerous—something that Sara wouldn’t be able to help with—it was still hard to watch Mila go. It was hard to watch Yuri and Yuuri go too since Sara cared about them, but Mila was different. Yuri was her friend and captain. Yuuri was one of her best friends. But Mila was… everything. 

Not literally, of course, since Sara also had Mickey and Emil who she was extremely close to—they were her brothers—but Mila was so much to Sara and she was afraid to lose her. She’d been afraid of that before they made their feelings known and before things had gotten to the place they were now. Sara would always be afraid for her friends, but it was just the change in relationship status that had changed her fear. More than the relationship changing, it was the danger that had changed. 

Sure, the Military had been chasing them before, but Sara didn’t truly believe they’d kill any of them. Now, it was different. Now they weren’t being chased and were instead doing the chasing. They were getting dangerously close to backing the Military into a corner and Sara was afraid of what they’d do.

“How much longer until we leave?” Sara asked quietly.

Mila checked her watch, “We have about half an hour.” 

“Come here?” Sara didn’t mean for that to be a question, but her uncertainty about everything was starting to bleed into even the most basic sentence. 

Mila set down the gun she had been checking and walked the short distance to where Sara was sitting on Mila’s bed. 

“Talk to me,” Mila commanded as she threaded her arms around Sara’s waist. “What’re you thinking?”

“I’m terrified of losing you.”

“You won’t lose me.” 

“I’ve nearly lost you so many times,” Sara said, leaning over to put her head against Mila’s shoulder. “Lately I’ve been thinking about a planet we visited a long time ago.”

“Really?”

“Do you remember Topaz? Where we stopped to clean The Potya?” Mila nodded. “I really liked that planet. I remember thinking it would be nice if the two of us could settle down somewhere quiet like that. But I just don’t think you’d be happy living like that.”

“I’d honestly love that,” Mila said with a wistful sigh. “Maybe not until I’m a little older, but one day. Would you be happy there?”

“Sure, of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

“It’s one thing for me to be grounded,” Mila explained. “I can be a mechanic on the ground or in the air. But you’re a pilot. I can’t imagine you’d enjoy having your wings clipped.” 

“Honestly, flying has lost some of its allure lately.”

“Really?” Mila placed a kiss onto Sara’s hair, just above her ear. “Why?”

“I feel completely powerless. What can I do? I can’t help you guys when you go planetside. When the Pavlova was chasing us, it was the Captain and Emil who saved our asses again and again.”

“Sara, you’re not useless and you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because no matter how far apart we are, I know you’ll be able to get to me. All you need is a spaceship and you’ll find me.” Mila kissing Sara again, this time her lips lingering on the tip of Sara’s ear in a way that made Sara sigh quietly. “I couldn’t fly a ship if my life depended on it and in a lot of ways that’s scary. What if I was stuck on a planet with a spaceship that I couldn’t fly? What if the only thing keeping me from you was my inability to fly?” Sara turned her head so she could look at Mila who took the opportunity to place a kiss on the corner of Sara’s mouth. “You have a set of beautiful wings that make you the most powerful person in the universe.” 

Sara didn’t respond and Mila adjusted slightly so she could kiss Sara properly. As Mila pulled away, Sara felt a few tears fall from her eyes, Mila reaching out to wipe them away.

“Thanks,” Sara murmured. “That all means a lot.”

“It’s only the truth.”

“Still.” Sara smiled at Mila as she wiped her eyes. “How much time?”

“Twenty-five minutes.”

Sara nodded to no one in particular and then leaned back in for another kiss, this was long and deep. It wasn’t long before Mila had Sara pressed against the bed, her tongue exploring Sara’s mouth with all the fervor of a teenager. 

Or maybe the fervor of someone who was afraid of everything the future could take away.

\---

“I don’t understand why I can’t go,” Otabek said for the fifth time since Yuri had started getting ready for their descent to the surface. 

Despite the evenness of Otabek’s voice, it was clear to Yuri that he was upset. 

“I want you on the ship just in case.”

“Emil is a good fighter. Sara and Mickey aren’t half bad, either.” Otabek was standing near the door to Yuri’s room, arms crossed and shoulders tight while he watched Yuri. “I can do more for you guys on the ground.” 

“I already have to worry about leaving the ship. And Sara flying to and from the planet. And about Mila and Yuuri. The planet will probably be dangerous, and I would rather only have two people to worry about.”

Yuri was perched on top of his desk, which he’d cleaned off for the express purpose of sitting on it, completely ignoring the completely clear chair. He was reading something off a tablet, his eyes not on Otabek. Otabek was surprised by how annoyed he felt that Yuri wasn’t looking at him. 

“I’m not someone to worry about, I can help.”

“It’s not that you aren’t capable, it’s just that I’ll worry either way.”

“Yura,” Yuri looked up and Otabek noticed his breath catching slightly. 

“What?”

“Back in ORG-78, didn’t we make it through together? And on Cirta didn’t we make a good team?”

“Sure, but–”

“When I told you we’d do this together, I meant it,” Otabek interrupted, his voice still low and even despite a fire blossoming in his eyes. “Why won’t you let me do this?”

“It’s not–”

“I came with you because I thought this is where I needed to be. I thought it was where I’d do the most good. But now you’re shoving me in the corner like a kid.” Otabek felt bad about some of what he was saying, but he couldn’t stop himself. “If you didn’t want me to come, you should’ve told me back on Cirta.” 

Yuri looked lost for words, his eyes desperate in a way Otabek wasn’t sure he’d seen before. When Yuri answered, his normal confidence was gone, his voice small and lost.

“Beka, I don’t want to lose you.” 

“You can lose me no matter where I am,” Otabek responded. “At least if I’m by your side we can protect each other.”

Yuri looked at Otabek for a long time, silence filling in the space around them and sucking the life out of the room. After what was probably only a minute, but felt like an hour, Yuri looked at his watch and then jumped off the desk. His eyes were on the ground as he walked to the door. 

“I have to go.”

“Yura–”

“You’re not coming and that’s final.”

The door open and Yuri left without waiting to hear Otabek’s response. Running a hand through his hair, Otabek squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to keep tears from springing up in his burning eyes. 

Not for the first time, Otabek felt angry, confused, and so, so powerless.

\---

Yuuri carefully went through every possible check that could be done on the shuttle’s systems. Even if he wasn’t the one piloting this shuttle, it made him feel better to check everything. The shuttle was state-of-the-art and so, of course, everything looking perfect.

Yuuri had a bad feeling about all of this, not that that was surprising. He just wasn’t sure this was doable. Even if they were able to get into this bare-bones facility, he knew that where ever Viktor was, it was probably better manned. He knew that they’d get to Viktor, let alone get Viktor out, was small. Their chances were tiny. Almost all the hope and peace he’d been granted by his talk with Tazawa was gone. They’d talked about anger, but they hadn’t talked much about fear and Yuuri wished they had. Tazawa claimed Yuuri’s mother helped them to move past their fear, but Yuuri hadn’t asked for more information. 

Yuuri had once been good at wrangling fear. But with each year he aged, more things that scared him started to pile up and up until it was too much. Anxiety about. The fear of moving to the capital for school. Worry about Viktor’s wellbeing. The older he got, the more afraid he was. He’d always thought getting older would make him stronger, but he’d just learned over and over again that the universe was terrifying. 

Yuuri had once dreamed of traveling around the universe, but fear had stopped him. Then he dreamed of exploring the universe with Viktor by his side and it was a little less scary. And now he’d been forced to travel without Viktor. 

Yuuri had always thought that if he explored the universe, it would be with the love of his life by his side. He never thought it would be a journey to save that love. He never thought that he’d find himself facing off with a military that had so, so much more power than him. 

He was so, so afraid and he didn’t know how to deal with that. 

“Katsuki, you’re already here,” Yuri said, seeming unsurprised as he stepped into the shuttle. “Mila and Sara should be here soon.” 

“Otabek isn’t seeing us off?” Yuuri asked, glancing around for the solemn man who spent a lot of his time following Yuri around the ship since there was very little for him to do half the time. 

“He’s…” Yuri pursed his lips, looking at the ground. “He wasn’t happy about staying on board. I think he’s angry with me.” 

“You shouldn’t leave with unfinished business,” Yuuri advised quietly. 

“I know, but… It’s not that easy.”

Yuuri didn’t push, knowing it wasn’t the time for that even if Otabek’s anger was obviously upsetting Yuri. Yuuri might sometimes act like a father or older brother to Yuri, but he wasn’t really and so he’d leave Yuri be for now. 

“You ready for this?” Yuuri asked, changing the subject just enough to ease some of the stress in the air. 

“As ready as I can be, I think.” Yuri walked to Yuuri, handing him a gun. “We never practiced your shooting, but this is only in case of an emergency. Mila and I have guns too, so we’ll be the first line. Hopefully, we won’t need them at all, but…”

“We’re outlaws now,” Yuuri said with a humorless chuckle. “I’ll do what I need to do to get Viktor back. This isn’t some local police officer. These people know what they’re doing. I don’t want to hurt them and I definitely don’t want to kill them, but if that’s what it takes to get Viktor back, I’ll do it.”

Yuri nodded in agreement, not saying anything and leaving them in silence for about a minute when Sara and Mila arrived to break the silence.

“Are you ready to go?” Sara asked, her voice small but solid. 

“Whenever you are,” Yuri replied.

“Okay,” Sara nodded. “Guess it’s time to head into the unknown.”

\---

Emil hadn’t been busy during their trip past the Edge. They were so cautious that they didn’t do anything that could possibly cause trouble with their engines. Because of that, he’d gotten bored and started to do work on the shuttle.

The shuttle hadn’t previously had cloaking capabilities when they were given The Potya, but pretty quickly Emil and Mila had added some basic cloaking. Not only was it a good thing to have given they’d been on the run, but it was also useful in a lot of other situations. 

The cloaking hadn’t been perfect, though, so once they endured unknown space, Emil had gone to work on the cloaking, correctly assuming they’d need to use it at some point. Thanks to his work, the shuttle was well cloaking as they approached this military planet. 

They were cloaked when they landed near to the base and they were cloaked when Mila, Yuri, and Yuuri got off the shuttle. 

The plan was for them to start near the back of the facility and make their way around the perimeter, looking for a weak point. If they couldn’t find one, they’d have to find a way in the front gate, but nobody wanted to attempt that. 

They were walking in the forest near the east fence when Mila stopped Yuuri and Yuri.

“There,” she whispered, pointing at the fence. “The barbed wire on the top is gone. They must have had to do repairs to the fence or something.”

“It we climb over the fence, won’t the guards in the towers see us?” Yuuri asked.

“I don’t think there’s anyone in those towers,” Mila explained as she pulled out a pair of binoculars she’d been using earlier. “Try these.” 

Yuuri did as he was told and looked up at the closest of the guard towers, looking through the surprisingly un-tinted glass at the top. He saw that Mila was right and that there didn’t seem to be any people in the towers. Still, he was worried about the possibility of them being seen. 

“It seems too dangerous.”

“I’m not sure we have a better option,” Yuri reminded him. 

“True, but what about the inner fence?” Yuuri pointed out, looking past the barb-wired fence to the shorter fence inside. “It still had barbed wire on it.”

“We’ll have to figure it out from inside,” Mila said. “Luckily, with the shade from the building, we’ll be less noticeable even while we’re between the fences.”

“Well,” Yuri said after a moment of biting his lip uncertainly, “let’s do it. But we should go one at a time… just in case.”

“I’ll go first,” Mila said, putting her hand up when Yuri started to argue. “Captain, you need to be safe to make calls. Also, I really do believe there’s nobody watching the perimeter, so I’m willing to test it. You brought me along and I know you want to protect me and Yuuri and much as you can, but this is what I need to do.”

Yuri looked like he was still going to argue but then he sighed and nodded. 

“You’re right.”

Mila nodded back, took a deep breath and then took off at a run. She reached the fence without any obvious problems, grabbing hold of the chain-link and starting her ascent quickly. She made it look easy, despite it not being anything of the sort. Yuuri had climbed a few chain-link fences in his life and in his experience, grabbing the metal usually hurt at least a little. It wasn’t a short fence either, and as Mila careful pulled herself over the top where there was a small gap in the barbed wire, Yuuri realized he was holding his breath. He was waiting either for Mila to make a mistake and fall to the ground or for a shot to ring out from somewhere, killing one of the few people Yuuri had left.

But she made it over and to the ground without incident, running to stand near to the second fence before waving to them. 

“I’ll go next,” Yuri said. “Then you follow.”

Yuuri nodded and watched Yuri follow Mila’s example, holding his breath again because it seemed like the only thing Yuuri could do. 

But Yuri made it too, waving for Yuuri who was suddenly realizing that he wasn’t sure he was in shape enough to do this. He wasn’t out of shape, not really, but he was also thirty and starting to feel it. 

It was too late for second-guessing, though, so Yuuri sprinted for the fence, climbing as fast as he could. He was pretty fast, but nothing like Mila and Yuri, who’d both been trained in that sort of physicality. Yuuri could fight, of course, but that training hadn’t included a lot of wall scaling. 

He reached the top and as he carefully moved over the top, his foot slipped and he was barely able to hang on, his arm whipping around to find purchase and finding barbed wire instead.

It took all his energy not to scream at the pain or react in a way that would make the injury worse. He did his best to extricate his hand from the barbed wire without doing any more harm before he slowly finished his climb, sitting down hard as he bit down on his lip. Considering the damage that could have been done, Yuuri thought he was lucky with this injury. That didn’t make it hurt any less. 

“Yuuri!” Mila said, a little too loudly. “That’s not good.”

“I’ll say,” Yuuri responded. “Not much to do about it now.” 

“Well, let’s put something on that, at least,” Yuri said, reaching down to tear part of his pants. “This isn’t ideal, it’s not very clean, but I’d rather stop the bleeding. Hopefully, we’ll be back on the ship soon and Mickey can clean it properly.”

Yuri wrapped Yuuri’s hand carefully and tightly, though not so tight that it would cut off his blood flow. Yuuri tried to ignore how painful the injury felt, but he wasn’t doing well. 

“Shit,” Yuuri mumbled before struggling to his feet. “I guess we should pick up the pace.” 

Mila and Yuri exchanged a look then both nodded. 

“Let go,” Mila agreed.

\---

Circling around the inner perimeter, they were able to find more than one place that needed to be repaired. It seemed like this entire place was slowly being left to deteriorate, which gave them hope of an easy entrance, but not much hope of finding much useful information inside. 

After coming to a third hole in the fence—the largest one so far—Yuri motioned for them to crawl through. Yuri and Mila went through first, followed by Yuuri, who was doing his best to ignore the continued pulsing of his wound. 

“Where will we go now?” Mila asked quietly. “The front door probably isn’t a great idea.” 

“There has to be some sort of back door,” Yuri mused. “There has to be a secondary entrance.” 

“It’ll probably be locked, though,” Mila pointed out.

“Maybe the front door is a good idea,” Yuuri said, earning him two sets of concerned eyes. He was sure they thought he was losing his mind due to lack of blood, but a thought had just dawned on him. “This is obviously a poorly staffed location. We have weapons and, probably, the element of surprise. I think if we just storm in the front door, we’ll be able to get in pretty easily. I’d bet they don’t even have that many armed guards here.”

“This is a bad idea,” Mila said.

“I mean, this entire thing is a terrible idea,” Yuuri laughed. “We have guns. Yuri, you have some other weapons, right?” 

“I have this thing,” Yuri pulled a small, metal sphere from his pocket. “It’s supposed to emit some sort of shock that knocks out anyone in range. I have no idea if it works.”

“Only one way to find out,” Yuuri told him, smiling widely, feeling weirdly confident. “You guys in?” 

Mila and Yuru exchanged a look and Mila shrugged.

“Why not?”

\---

They entered with weapons drawn and much less hostility than expected. Mila took point and Yuri was at the rear, with Yuuri in the middle since he had the least firearms training.

The lobby of the building was unexpectedly quiet, with nothing to see but smooth, white walls and spotless gray floors. Mila glanced behind her to look at Yuri, gesturing with her gun towards a door that was placed behind a sort of reception desk. Yuri nodded and they slowly crept towards the door. 

Yuuri felt like every muscle in his body was taut and ready to snap. Then, for a moment, he felt like he was somewhere else entirely. He saw a flash of a bare room. He felt afraid and hopeless. Then he felt a presence close to him, one that he didn’t recognize. It burned brightly and it was only one floor below him. He sat up and then…

Nothing. Yuuri was back in his own mind, Yuri’s hand on his shoulder and a worried look from both Yuri and Mila making Yuuri shake his head. He couldn’t have explained his behavior even if they hadn’t been trying their best to be quiet. 

Yuuri shook his head again, trying to show that he was okay. After a few more moments of staring, Mila and Yuri nodded and they went back to their approach on the door. 

There was a moment of hesitation when they reached the door, then Mila threw it open and rushed into the room. 

“Hands in the air! Do what we say and nobody has to get hurt!”

To Yuuri’s surprise, the room they burst into was, while large, sparsely populated. There were three people that Yuuri could see and despite appearing to be security personnel, they quickly gave into Mila's demands. 

As Yuri and Mila tied the three up, Yuuri looked around the room while still feeling a little off. This was a different kind of off than he’d felt in the lobby, though. It was almost the opposite. It was cold and strange. It was unfamiliar and made Yuuri shiver. He felt empty. He felt like he didn’t like this room or this building or this planet. 

“–ri! Yuuri!” Yuuri’s head snapped up and he found Yuri looking at him worriedly again. “What’s wrong with you? Did you lose more blood than we thought?”

“I… I don’t think it’s that.” Yuuri looked down at his injured hand. “I think it’s… There’s something here that I don’t like. This room is… I hate it.” 

“Go stand outside,” Yuri commanded. “We’ll check the computers in here.”

Yuuri wanted to disagree, but, in the end, he did as he was told. After a minute of standing alone in the lobby and feeling like he could breathe again, Yuri appeared with a first aid kit. 

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah…” Yuuri shook his head. “I don’t know what’s going on. This entire place seems so… off.” 

Yuri took Yuuri’s hand and began to unwrap the cloth currently tied around it, his hands delicate and careful in a way that Yuuri was a little surprised by. He knew Yuri wasn’t exactly medically trained, but he seemed to be good at first aid. 

“Yuri?”

“What?”

“You’re good at first aid.” Yuri only shrugged, so Yuuri continued. “When did you learn it?”

“We’re all trained in first aid at the academy,” Yuri said, his eyes glued on Yuuri hand as he worked on cleaned the wound while Yuuri did his best not to pull his hand away as a stinging pain seared through the wound. “Mickey was trained as a field doctor, sure, but we all need to be ready for emergencies.”

Yuuri wanted to ask more questions as he realized more than ever before that for as much as they’d all traveled together for a long time now, he really didn’t know Yuri that well. Not that Yuri knew him that well, either, but there wasn’t much to know about Yuuri. Yuri, on the other hand, seemed to have hidden depths that Yuuri couldn’t even begin to imagine. 

Even so, Yuuri didn’t ask any more questions. Partially, he knew Yuri was a private person, but there was another part of him that knew why Yuri was good at first aid. Yuri was a captain who strived for a happy, healthy crew. He strived to keep things together. He worried about everything even if he didn’t show it. He worried about everyone. Yuuri could imagine a younger Yuri, paying attention in class as his mind went through every way his future crew could be injured. 

Yuuri opened his mouth to speak as Yuri finished recovering his injury, but he was interrupted by Mila’s voice from the other room. 

“Yuuri! Captain! I found something.” 

Yuri stood and head back inside and Yuuri followed slowly, standing in the doorway while Yuri made long strides towards Mila.

“I… I found him.”

“What?” Yuuri asked, his voice quiet and his legs feeling weak. “Who?”

“Viktor Nikiforov,” Yuri read without looking in Yuuri’s direction. “Being held in facility RP-MB1 at the following coordinates… That’s him, right?” 

“Yeah.” Yuuri couldn’t help but smile, tears coming to his eyes so suddenly that he found himself reaching up to touch them, feeling the wetness of his fingertips like he’d never cried before. “That’s him. It has to be.” 

Yuri had his intercom out as soon as Yuuri gave his first confirmation. 

“Potya, come in.”

“We’re here,” Mickey responded. “Are you good?”

“We’re good,” Yuri confirmed. “We have information. We’ll send it up to the ship and then head back to Sara. We need to get out of here quickly once we send it. The Military will likely have monitors on how data is sent from their facilities.”

“Okay, we’re ready to receive and Sara will be ready for you.” 

“Start the transmission,” Yuri told Mila, who messed around with a few things before she nodded to Yuri. “It’s off.”

“Katsuki, I think we’re going to do this,” Yuri said, but Yuuri wasn’t listening. “Katsuki?”

Yuuri’s eyes had found a computer screen on the other side of the room that appeared to be showing security cameras from the rest of the building. They were almost all unpopulated, except two rooms. One peopled video feed was of a lab with two people in white coats doing something on a computer. The other, though, was of a bare room. There was a person in the room, sitting on a small bed with their knees drawn up to their chests. 

“Katsuki, what is going on with you?” Yuri asked, starting to walk over to Yuuri, but stopping when he saw where Yuuri was looking. His head turned and his eyes also locked onto the video screen. “Yuuri… we can’t.” 

“He’s a prisoner,” Yuuri said quietly, his voice barely carrying to where Mila and Yuri were standing. “If we don’t save him, who will?” 

“What–?” Mila turned and saw what they were looking at. Her voice faltered for a moment as she tried to find words, but then she spoke, her voice small and uncertain. “If we go after him, we’ll be in danger. The entire ship will be in danger.”

Yuuri looked at both of them for a long time. 

“I’m not leaving without at least trying.”

“If we don’t leave now, there’s a good chance the Military will intercept the Potya,” Yuri said seriously. “And we’ll likely– no, we will all be killed. The Military has publicly announced the ‘death’ of me and my crew. If they find us, they will kill us. There’s a chance you’d be kept alive, but I doubt you’d ever see Viktor again.”

“I’m not asking you to stay with me,” Yuuri said. “All I’m saying is that I’m going to try and save him. I’ll find a way to get off this planet. Somehow. And, hopefully, I’ll do it with him.”

“Yuuri, this is crazy,” Mila said. “Don’t get me wrong, I want to help him, but what can we do? Are you ready to put this stranger’s life before Viktor’s?” 

Yuuri felt his breathing getting heavy. He felt about ready to fall apart. He knew it wouldn’t be long before this all became too much, but for now, he knew what he wanted.

“I love Viktor and I want him back, but there’s no guarantee I’ll find him. This stranger, this person, is right in front of me. If I turn my back on him… What’ll that make me?” Yuuri looked at them both with hard eyes. “Yuri, back when you helped people in ORG-78, how would you have felt if you just looked the other way. And Mila, what if you let me get on the ship I’d been thinking about boarding before the Potya? I don’t know about you two, but I won’t turn away from someone who’s right in front of me. I’d never be able to face Viktor again if I did that.”

Yuri sighed and Mila bit her lip, both of them exchanging a small, but meaningful glance. 

“I’ll go with you,” Yuri said. “You’ll need the backup.” 

“Me too,” Mila insisted. “You need the muscle.” 

“I’ll tell Sara to come back to the Potya and take it away from here,” Yuri said. “Then, we have to move fast. Who knows when the Military will show up.” 

“Okay,” Yuuri said with a nod. “Thank you.”

“No,” Mila smiled at Yuuri, “Thank you.”

Yuuri watched Yuri talking to Sara without really hearing their conversation. It took some convincing and a lot of orders to get Sara to leave without them. Sara nearly said no, but no matter how much she cared about Mila, Yuuri, and Yuri, she wasn’t about to start a mutiny. 

Mila started looking through floor plans as she and Yuri made plans, Yuuri still refusing to enter the room because it still felt so strange and wrong. 

As they finished making plans, Sara called back to say goodbye and good luck. 

“Fly free and fly safe,” Yuri told her. “Until I’m back on the ship, you’re her captain. Be a good one.”

“I’ll never be as good as you, but I’ll try.” Sara took a deep breath. “Stay safe and stay free. Acting Captain Sara Crispino, over and out.” 

The silence that followed was deafening and for a moment, Yuuri felt like an absolute idiot. Then, Yuri looked at Mila and Yuuri with a huge, cocky grin on his face. 

“Okay. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barely finished this in time......... Also, I finished it at 2am, so hopefully it's, like, coherent. 
> 
> Also... Just like, sorry that these chapters keep getting split up, but I should have known that these mini-arcs weren't going to be one chapter each. The second half of this will probably be a little shorter... probably... 
> 
> I really want to up to update schedule to every week, but I'm so busy with work and also the three to four other WIPs I'm working on............ I don't know why I'm so into the old dot-dot-dot today...
> 
> There will be one more chapter in this mini-arc and at least two more chapters, plus an epilogue of sorts. So, at least 4 more chapters, but maybe more. I think I've finally decided on the specific plot points of the entire rest of the fic, so it's all coming together. I just need to... write it... I think I'm going to spend the day writing instead of going to the gym or studying Japanese, so maybe I'll get a bunch of writing done! 
> 
> Okay, that's enough blabbering on. Thank you for sticking with me through all this!


	33. Our Futures Were Full of Questions Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2: What We're Doing
> 
> _Hearts crying out for help._   
>  _Futures so closely tied to the past._   
>  _Minds uncertain and unsure._   
>  _Eyes filled with tears._
> 
>   _What are we doing?_  
>  _Where will we go?_  
>  _Where is our resolution?_
> 
> _What are we doing?_   
>  _Where will we go?_   
>  _What is the outcome for us?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late!

There was something terrifyingly isolated about the realization that the Potya was gone. Yuuri knew this was more or less what he’d wanted to happen, but it still felt immediately like a bad idea. When Yuuri looked at his companions, he saw the same sort of fear in their eyes. 

“Here’s the plan,” Yuri said, gesturing for Yuuri and Mila to get closer as he lowered his voice. “We’ll get this guy and then steal a long range ship. We should have enough lead time on the military that we can leave on the ship before they realize what we did.”

“Do we know for sure that there’s a long range ship here?” Mila asked. “And who’d even fly it?”

Yuri raised an eyebrow and pointed at Yuuri, “Katsuki, of course. And there’s a chance there’s not long range ship on planet, but I’d bet there is. And if there isn’t, then we have two options. Wait for the military and steal one of their ships or wait on the planet until the military leaves and then try to contact the Potya… somehow.” 

“I guess we just have to hope there’s a ship, then,” Yuuri said with a shaky laugh. “And that I know how to fly it.” 

“We’re lucky this place is so barebones,” Mila said as she looked at the security cameras. “It looks like it was only these three guards and the two scientists.”

“Mila, do you have your communicator?” Yuri asked as he leaned down next to one of the security guards to unclip a card from his belt. 

“Of course, why?”

“Here’s what I’m thinking.” Yuri held out the card and Mila took it. “You and Yuuri go after the guy. I’ll stay down here to keep watch on these three and to listen for anything from the Military. I’ll also try to figure out if there’s a long range ship anywhere on this base.”

“Sounds good,” Mila said, looking at Yuuri. “You cool with this?”

“As long as you don’t think I’ll slow you down,” Yuuri said with a small smirk.

“I can’t imagine you of all people slowing me down,” Mila laughed, obviously finding the inauspicious circumstances to be darkly funny. “Hey, if we run into anyone without a gun, I’m pretty sure I’d slow you down. I’m just here if we need to shoot anyone.” 

“Glad to hear it,” Yuuri’s smirk widened and he found he kind of liked the bleak humor that had grown so easily past the Edge and now seemed to be blooming in the face of their isolation from the Potya. “I’m a pretty lousy shot.”

“Alright, that’s enough you two,” Yuri said with a roll of his eyes. “We’d better get this done as quickly as possible.”

“Sounds good, Captain,” Mila said with a sloppy salute. 

The two of them left and Yuri sighed, sitting down in one of the empty chairs. He turned and looked at the guard whose card he took.

“You have a name?”

“Why would I tell you, terrorist?” The man spat. 

Yuri chuckled, “I guess I am a terrorist, aren’t I? At least in the modern sense of the term. That said, I think traitor would be more fitting. Coward too.” 

Yuri fell silent, turning in his chair so he could watch the security monitor. Even as he watched Mila and Yuuri make their way towards the elevator that would take them to the next floor, his mind was elsewhere. His mind was on the Potya. He was thinking about his ship and his crew and he was thinking about Otabek. 

“Did you have to leave people behind for this job?” Yuri asked. 

A different man a little farther away from Yuri was the one to answer.

“Yes and no. I didn’t really have a family, but I left my few friends behind.”

“Don’t talk to him!” The first man shouted as Yuri got up to sit near the other man. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Treating him like a person because he’s done the same for us,” the man said. “I’m Albert.” 

“Nice to meet you, Albert, I’m Yuri.” Yuri wanted to shake his hand, but they’d tied everyone’s hands behind their backs. “I’m really sorry about all this, but the Military is doing bad things.”

“Did you leave people behind?” Albert asked. 

“Yeah. When I went to the Stellar Academy I left my family behind. Then I went AWOL and left behind everyone but my crew. Now half my crew is gone too because I decided to help some stranger in some random military facility. My ship is gone and with it not just my crew but a person I care a lot about. And I just left him behind. I shouldn’t have.” Yuri knew it was stupid to be telling a soldier who he’d captured about his life, but he was just so tired. “I can’t even go home now, the Military made sure of that. We’d simply left our post and ran. We weren’t even really planning anything and they told the world and our families that we were dead. My mama is strong, but now she thinks she’s alone in the universe and that’s the hardest thing.” 

“You made a choice!” First man shouted. “Stop complaining!” 

Yuri laughed at that, watching as Yuuri and Mila tried to gain access into the area where the stranger was being held. 

“You’re right, I did make a choice. Sorry, I shouldn’t complain.” He ran a hand through his hair. “How about you, Albert, why’d you come here?”

“It was good money,” Albert said with a small shrug. “And it’s pretty damn easy.” 

“Seriously?” The first man sounded indignant. “Do you not love your government?” 

“Not really,” Albert said with a shrug. “What’s there to love, really?” 

“Lots!” The first man pouted a little. “Protection. Health care. Food.”

Yuri laughed at that list. There were things the government did that were good, that meant something, but those three things were usually run by the military and they were usually run poorly. Purposefully, they were run poorly. 

“What’s so funny?”

“I mean, do you want me to take apart the bullshit you just spouted? Protection usually is needed because of a problem the military created. Not to mention the military doesn’t always protect its citizens. My grandmother was stolen from her home and forced to be in experiments like the ones that are probably going on in this building.” 

“Protection is complicated.”

“Okay then, how about health care? That’s run my the military because they are in charge of the Military Surgeons, but they give them minimal funding. I visited a planet where loads of people died and kids were living on the streets because of a flu epidemic. Flu. Let that sink in. People not only weren’t vaccinated, they were left largely untreated. Why you ask? Because that planet had previously been in rebellion and nearly beat the Military.”

The man was silent, his face unflinching but his eyes looking uncertain. 

“And food. Oh boy, that’s a complicated one. The government is better at dealing with feeding people than they are at protection or health care, but it’s still controlled by the military. That same planet that had the untreated flu epidemic had kids with no parents or guardians who were barely surviving because they had no way to access food easily.”

“But that’s not true everywhere.” 

“You’re right, it isn’t. My pilot, navigator, and mechanic are all from a beautiful planet where the populous was hand picked before they could move there. The government–the military, that is–loved that planet and they didn’t have problems like that growing up. I was lucky because even though I lived on a planet that had rebelled in the past, my father and grandfather had been military men so we were usually okay.”

Yuri sighed, leaning back in his chair as he watched Yuuri and Mila check every room for prisoners, staring from the wrong end of the hall. 

“I’m not an anarchist,” He said quietly. “The government isn’t all bad. Even the military isn’t all bad. But there are big parts that are bad and I just can’t live with that.”

Before anyone could answer, a call came in and Yuri stood to take it. Picking up the phone, he did his best to sound like the military man he’d learned to be. 

“Kirk speaking.”

“Kirk?” The voice on the other end sounded skeptical. “I don’t know that name.”

“I’m sorry sir, but I’m the newest person on planet so maybe you haven’t seen my name come up.” 

“He’s lying!” the first man shouted.

“What was that?” 

“What was what?” Yuri asked. “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t hear anything.” 

The man on the other end paused for a moment and sighed, “Okay, fine. Kirk. Is that Spaceman?”

“Yes Sir, Spaceman William Kirk.” 

“Are you aware that data was sent through an unsecured channel from your base?” 

“Yes, Sir, we had an unfortunate break-in, but the threat has been neutralized.” Yuri looked at the screen and saw that Mila and Yuuri were coming to the end of the hallway, meaning that soon they’d have to open the right door. “The data they sent out was never received by their ship, the signal was too weak.”

“Well, we’re still going to come check out the premises. We need to figure out how they were able to break in.” 

Yuri watched as Yuuri and Mila opened a door and the stranger on one of the other monitors sat up straighter, his mouth falling open. Yuri let a smile creep onto his face.

“I don’t think that’s necessary, but feel free to come in you need to, Sir.” 

\---

The door opened quickly like all the other ones had, but this time the room behind it was a little different. The stranger they’d seen on the security monitor sat up straighter, looking at Mila and Yuuri with surprise in his eyes. 

He had messy brown hair that looked like it could use a trim based on the way it fell into his green eyes. He looked a little too thin, though not like he was being starved. 

“Who are you?” He asked, his voice small and scared. 

“We’re here to get you out of here,” Mila said. “I’m Mila and this is Yuuri.” 

“I’m Luca.” 

“Luca?” Yuuri blinked exchanging a look with Mila. “Luca Ott?” 

“You know my name?” Luca asked, tilting his head to the side. “How?”

“You’re fiance’s name is Chris, right?” 

“You know Chris?” Luca exclaimed, his legs swinging over the side of the bed, looking like he was about to get out of bed, but at the last moment, he didn’t. “Is he… angry?” 

“No, not at all,” Yuuri said with a smile. “He misses you. We learned you’d likely been taken by the military and he was upset by that, but he was also pretty glad you hadn’t left because you hated him.”

“Of course not, I could never hate him.” Luca deflated a little. “I miss him. I miss Funia. I miss our bar. I miss him so much.”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri said simply. “We’re going to get you off this planet.”

“How?” 

“We have a ship,” Mila explained. “We’ve had a lot of experience fighting the Military, so we sort of know what we’re doing.”

Yuuri took a few steps into the room, but he felt strange suddenly. It was the same feeling as the one he’d gotten in the security office. He brought a hand to his forehead, closing his eyes as he tried to stop the dizziness that suddenly came over him. 

“You’re attuned,” Luca said, his voice filled with quiet surprise. “Are you the one who was in my mind before?” 

“How’d you know?” Yuuri asked, feeling his stomach churn as he tried to look at Luca. 

“These rooms are warded against the use of attunement. They neutralize your attunement. That’s why you feel so weird in here.”

“You’re attuned too, right?” Yuuri asked. “You were part of something the military did.”

“Yeah,” Luca nodded. “I was stolen when I was barely more than a baby and they did things to me. I don’t remember it very well since my memories were taken away when I was younger. But when the Military took me back in they started to reverse that process. They’ve been using me to do the same to others. To lure them back.” 

“But how is that possible?” Yuuri asked. 

“The others that I grew up with, they’re connected to me. We’re all connected mentally. Anyone who is on this planet and has strong attunement can also link up with me because right now I have no barriers,” Luca explained. “My mind is pretty weak on its own, so I learned a long time ago how to create strong barriers that kept me safe. Even when I didn’t remember anything about attunement, I still had the innate ability to protect my mind, which kept me safe for all these years. But in this place, I have no way to protect myself and so my mind is open to everyone. I can’t use my ability, but if you’re outside this room you can still use yours to connect to me.” 

“That’s why I saw this room before,” Yuuri said, taking a deep breath while he tried to keep from throwing up. Whatever the ‘warding’ was, it seemed to be stronger in this room than in the security office. 

“Maybe you should step outside,” Luca suggested. “What’s your ability? You seem to be really affected by this room.”

“I don’t really know that much about attunement,” Yuuri admitted, taking Luca’s advice. Once he was outside the room, he felt a lot better. “I know I can protect my mind from other attuned people, but that’s really the only thing I know for sure. I think maybe I can protect other people’s minds too, but I don’t really know.” 

“Sounds like your attunement is related to the mind,” Luca said, nodding to himself as he finally stood. “That would explain why having no access to your attunement would make you feel so bad.”

Before anything else could be said, Mila’s communicator came to life.

“Mila, come in Mila.”

“What’s up, Captain?”

“We need to hurry up. The Military is coming to see what’s going on. I don’t know how much time we have.” 

“Okay, we’ll meet you downstairs.” Mila put her communicator away and looked at Yuuri and Luca. “Time to go.”

\---

 

They made it down to the lobby without any difficulty. Yuri was waiting for them, a sheet of paper in his hand.

“My new friend Albert told me where to find a ship that can get off planet. I don’t know how far it’ll take us, but I think we should be able to find the Potya.” 

“Albert?” Mila asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“One of the guards.”

“He helped you?”

“Yeah, turns out even this far over the edge there are people who are just here because it was the easiest choice.”

“He’s still involved in some bad shit,” Mila said quietly. 

“Sure. I’m not about to bring him aboard.” Yuri shrugged. “Just pretty sure he has no reason to trick us.” 

“If you’re sure.” 

“I’m not,” Yuri told her with another shrug. “But I couldn’t figure it out on my own so we’ll just have to trust him.” 

Mila sighed, “Okay, where is it?”

\---

It ended up being in a small docking area in the middle of the woods that surrounded the facility. There was no one around and when they boarded the small ship, Yuuri was surprised to find that it looked like a new, or at least well maintained, ship.

“Luca, do you know how to fly a ship?” Mila asked, looking at the man expectantly, only to have him shake his head. 

“Sorry, that isn’t my speciality. I’m a strategist, not a pilot. I can copilot, if you need, but this doesn’t seem like that type of ship.”

“It’s fine, Mila,” Yuuri said, taking a deep breath, “I can do this.”

“If you’re sure you’re up to it. I’m just a little worried about your hand.”

“I’ll be fine,” Yuuri repeated as he sat in front of the control panel. “I’m not Sara, but I did train for this.” 

While Yuuri powered up the ship, the other’s quickly moved around the ship, finding places to sit even before Yuuri told them to. 

“I don’t know anything about this planet’s atmosphere and we don’t have time to find out. This’ll probably be a bumpy ride.” 

“Let’s do it,” Yuri said. “Katsuki, get us out of here.” 

The ascent they made was, truly, much faster than was probably safe. Still, it felt like they were moving so slowly thanks to the knowledge that the Military could arrive at any time. 

As they rose, though, Yuuri felt a bolt of something run through him. It was something that felt like happiness, even if maybe it wasn’t quite that. He felt exhilarated, remembering suddenly why he fell in love with flying. It was different from the time he helped fly the shuttle to Malen. It was different from going to and from the confrontation between Yuri and the crew of The Pavlova. It was obviously nothing like their escape from the Museum. It felt good and it felt right and for the first time in years, Yuuri wondered if maybe he should give up the grounded life. 

He and Tazawa had talked about hope, but Yuuri realized he hadn’t believed it at the time. Hope was hard. It was nearly impossible, especially after everything.

But space was hope and he loved it. 

\---  
__

_“That’s ‘The Wanderer.’ The story goes that he was once human, but he spent all his life wishing to walk among the stars. When he died, the gods granted his wish and now he wanders the stars.” Hiroko looked down at her young son, wide-eyed and entranced by every story she told him about their planet’s constellations. “During the winter, when you can't see him, people say that’s because he’s left our planet’s sky to see the rest of the universe.”_

_“That’s not how stars work, though,” Yuuri argued despite his obvious fascination with the stories. “Right?”_

_“You’re right,” Hiroko said with a laugh. “But we didn’t make these stories up because they’re realistic. Back on Earth, a long long time ago people really thought those kinds of things. Even though we know they aren’t true anymore, it’s still fun to make stories.”_

_“Do people all over the universe make up stories?” Yuuri asked, his eyes looking hopeful._

_“Sure they do. I don’t know if every planet has their own stories, but I’m sure a lot of them do.”_

_“Can I visit them?”_

_“One day, if you want.” Hiroko wrapped an arm about Yuuri’s shoulder, thinking about the many light years worth of distance she’d traveled in her live. She thought of all the bad she’d seen, but she also thought about all the good._

_Maybe one day Yuuri would leave home for the stars and she’d have to deal with losing her baby, but for now he was right here and she’d keep holding onto that. She’d nearly lost him once and she wouldn’t lose him again until he was good and ready to be lost._

_“You know, if you want, we can let you start some pilot classes. That way, if you want to visit new places one day, then you can.”_

_“Really, I can?” Yuuri asked, his eyes filled with more stars than the night sky above them._

_“I’ll talk to your dad, but I think it should be fine.”_

_“Thank you!”_

_Hiroko laughed, kissing the top of Yuuri’s head. “If it’s what you want, then it’s what I want.”_

_“Mom, I love you.”_

_“I love you too.” Hiroko squeezed Yuuri closer, feeling happy and sad at the same time. “Now, do you want to hear about some more constellations?”_

_“Yeah!” Yuuri exclaimed, seeming to vibrate with excitement. “Mom?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Do you think I could be a pilot someday?”_

_“I think you can be whatever you want.”_

_“I think I want to be a pilot, then.”_

_Hiroko smiled, “You’ll get to see a lot of stars, then.”_

_“I love the stars.” Yuuri paused before adding, “not more than you though.”_

_Hiroko laughed, “I love the stars too, but never more than you.”_

_“Good,” Yuuri said with a nod before pointing at a group of stars. “Is that anything?”_

_Hiroko had nearly lost everything to the stars, but she wasn’t going to let that make her fear them. She’d almost lost Toshiya and Mari and Yuuri, but she wasn’t about to let that stop her or her family. She refused to be scared or angry of the stars or of their darkness. She refused to be afraid of the way the void always left her with questions she couldn’t answer. She refused to give up her hope because, in the end, this was the hand she’d be dealt and she, well, dealt with it._

_And, honestly, she loved it._  
  
\---

“Before we can even think about finding the Potya, we need to get out of this area,” Yuri said, his voice flat in a way that worried Yuuri a little. “I’d like us to get out of this galaxy altogether, but I don’t know how far this thing can take us. If we can get out of the solar system, that’ll probably be fine.” 

“The Military is here,” Yuuri said, looking at his radar at the large ship that had appeared. Suddenly an alert started to beep. “They’re hailing us.”

“Well, fuck,” Mila commented. 

“How fast can this thing go?” Yuri asked. 

“I’m not sure.”

“Well, get us as far from as quickly as you can.”

“Okay, everyone better hold on then.” 

Yuuri pushed the ship's speed up, the small ship going faster and faster, leaving the Military ship far behind. Even so, Yuuri knew they’d be following them soon and surely much more quickly. 

“They're going to find us,” Yuuri warned. “We’re the only other thing out here.”

“Then let’s leave them alone,” Luca said, walking over to stand next to Yuuri. “I have an idea. I don’t know much about ships, but I think it should work.”

“What’s your plan?” Yuuri asked, feeling anxiety start to try and cloud his thoughts. He pushed it down, though, focusing on the moment they were in now. 

“The way military ships track other ships is through electromagnetic signatures,” Luca said, Mila nodding in agreement. “So, we need to change our signature. If we turn off all non-essential systems, they’ll have to have really good luck if they want to find us. It’d be like finding a needle in a haystack.” 

“I think you’ve got something there,” Mila said as Yuuri was nodding. 

“Let’s do it,” Yuuri said with a small smile on his face, feeling suddenly like everything would work out. 

Slowly, Yuuri brought the speed of the ship down while everyone else watched in silence. Yuri was looking out at the darkness outside, seeming like he was somewhere else. Mila was watching Yuuri closely as if she was waiting for a sign that things would work out. Luca was looking at the ship’s instruments even though he’d already stated he didn’t know much about how spaceships worked in specifics. 

“Shutting down the engines,” Yuuri said as he began shutting the ship down. “Shutting off non-essential electrical equipment.” 

The lights shut off, the ship getting quieter with each piece of equipment that Yuuri shut off. 

“Lower life support to minimum levels. It’s probably going to get cold in here.”

“There should be emergency supplies onboard,” Mila said, her voice sounding loud despite the fact that she was whispering. “We can get blankets and stuff from there.” 

“Air systems will have their usage halved. That should be fine for four of us as long as nobody has a panic attack.” Yuuri almost laughed, thinking about how he was the most likely on to have a panic attack so that warning was more for him. “Okay, that’s everything. We’re at almost zero output, so it’ll be hard for them to sense us. Even if they do, we probably won’t look like what they expect. Let’s just hope we’re luckier than them.” 

Silence fell over the ship and Yuuri laughed quietly, feeling strangely at ease with the current situation. 

“We can still talk, you know. They’re not tracking sound output or anything.” 

“What’s there to talk about?” Yuri asked, still looking out the window as Mila and Luca began looking for the emergency supplies. The darkness in the ship made that hard. “We might just die out here.”

“Yuri…” Yuuri turned to look at Yuri, worried by his flat tone more than his negativity. “We’re not going to die out here.”

“You don’t know that,” Yuri’s voice held more accusation than Yuuri expected. “We’ve been lucky for a long time, I don’t know how much luck we have left. This might just be the end of us. And what’d we get? What’d we do? Nothing.” 

“Captain,” Mila pause in her search to look at Yuri. “We’ve done plenty. We’ve helped plenty of people.”

“What about us?” Yuri’s voice was quiet and his eyes dropped to the ground. In the small amout of light that was coming through the window, Yuuri could see Yuri had squeezed his eyes shut. “What do we get for this? What do we get for being the good guys?” 

“I mean…” Mila rubbed the back of her neck. “You don’t get anything, usually. But that’s not why we’re doing this.” 

Mila took a few steps towards Yuri but stopped. There was a certain amount of uncertainty in her movements and Yuuri was sure it had to do with the fact that despite everything, the crew of the Potya was still bad at talking to each other. They were friends and they were family but they were also coworkers and comrades. There weren’t any rules on how to act, especially now that they were also partners in crime, and after all this time they still hadn’t figured it out. 

“We’ve made a million decisions, but what’s the point? They’ve gotten us nowhere but farther from home,” Yuri insisted. “We got Luca off that planet, but now what? Because of my decision, we’ll probably never see the Potya again. Mila, you’ll never get to see Sara again and Yuuri we’ll never find Viktor. Luca, we’ll never get you back to Chris.” Yuri reached up to run a hand through his hair and even in the low light, Yuuri could see his hand was shaking. “I’ll never see Otabek again and the last thing we did was argue. I’ve screwed this all up and I don’t know how I ever thought I’d be able to do any of this.”

“Yuri, let’s sit down,” Yuuri said, standing to move Yuri towards one of the seats in the back of the ship. “You’re probably tired.” 

“Don’t treat me like a kid!” Yuri exclaimed before he collapsed back in on himself. “What am I saying? I am a kid. I’m a fucking child and I can’t believe anyone let me do everything I have. Then I looked Otabek in the eyes and told him to stay on the ship like he was a child who needed protection. I’m the only one around here who should be treated like a kid.” 

Luca found the emergencies supplies and stood to hand Yuuri a blanket. Yuuri nodded his thanks then wrapped the blanket around Yuri, pushing him down into a seat. 

“I keep trying to be better,” Yuri said. “But I never get better. I just keep finding more problems. More reasons I should never have been made captain. So many people doubted me in the past and that only pushed me harder, but I should have listened to them. They were right.”

The ship slowly rotated away from the solar system’s star, making the inside darker and darker until the only light was the faint reflection of the star coming off of a nearby planet. 

“Yuri, what did they say to you in the museum?” Yuuri asked, sitting down next to Yuri. 

“Huh?”

“The museum. What did they say about you?”

“They called me ‘The Protector.’ They said I was always trying to protect someone, but that I inevitably would fail. And they were right. I’ve always been failing someone. I’m always putting people in danger.” 

“Captain…” Mila looked lost before nodding to herself, her face suddenly set. “Yuri.”

Yuri looked up at Mila, “Yeah?”

“When I first met you, you looked about twelve years old. I think you were fifteen or sixteen at the time, but if you’d pressed me on your age, I probably would have guessed you were a preteen. I never said anything, but I was pissed that you were supposed to be my captain. I thought I was being punished. I didn’t know what I had done wrong, but apparently, this was my punishment. Some kid with a bad attitude was going to be giving me orders for the foreseeable future and that seemed like it was going to suck.” 

Mila leaned back a little, looking at the dark ceiling as she took a few breaths. Yuuri watched her carefully, wishing they hadn’t lost most of their light. He couldn’t be sure, but he thought maybe she was able to cry. 

“Then you did a bunch of well-meaning, but stupid shit and I realized you were someone to worry about. I was worried you’d get yourself killed sooner rather than later. When you saved Sara and nearly got yourself killed, though, I guess that turned into respect. Sure, I was still worried about you, but I respected you. I was loyal to you too, so I decided I’d follow you as far as you would take me.”

“Look where I’ve taken you,” Yuri retorted, letting his face fall into his hands as he leaned forward.

The ship finished it’s slow rotation away from the sun and also away from the closest planet and suddenly they were left in more or less complete darkness. 

“Sure, maybe you’ve taken us somewhere dangerous, but we’re all adults. We could have gotten off this… this ride whenever we wanted. I know you think we had no choice, but we did. We all made our choices. I’m not just loyal to you. I’m not just a spacewoman giving the required respect to her captain. I trust you and I respect you and that’s not going to change because of anything as simple as a mistake. And…” Mila took a breath, the ship’s silence pressing closer and closer with every moment. “And I don’t think this was a mistake. We knew what would happen if we stayed behind to help Luca. It was the right choice. Helping someone is never a mistake.” 

Before Yuri could respond, a large spaceship barreled past them, Yuuri standing to look out as it passed. As it passed, it lit up the ship for a moment, allowing Yuuri to see that Mila had a few tears on her cheeks and Yuri had raised his head to look at Mila, realization in his eyes. 

“That’ll be our military friends,” Yuuri said with a smirk. “Let’s give them a few minutes, then we should be safe to turn our systems back on. Do we have a plan for contacting The Potya?” 

“Yeah,” Yuri said, his voice still a little weak, but when he stood he looked okay. “I’ve been making coded long-range communicators since we left Guang-Hong and Leo. The Potya has one and I also gave one to the two of them. Phichit also has one. And I have one. We should be able to contact them for a rendezvous.” 

“Well, then, let’s get to it,” Yuuri said, pressing a button on the controls and low, red lights came on, illuminating the entire ship. He turned back to the other three, crossing his arms and smiling. 

Mila stood and stepped over to stand near Yuri, putting a hand on his shoulder. When he looked at her, she smiled. 

“We’re all bad a talking, but you’re the worst. The five of us are a crew and we’re all we really have right now. Maybe we need to start taking our own advice and actually talk to each other.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Yuri agreed. “Thanks. You’re a pretty great person.” 

Mila laughed and slapped Yuri on the back, “Thanks, that’s nice to hear.” 

Yuri smiled slightly before pulling a small communicator from his pocket.

“Let’s go home.” 

\---

They were waiting for the Potya’s shuttle to come find them, Yuuri found himself chatting with Luca. 

“Are you B4?” Yuuri asked. 

“How’d you know that?”

“I met, umm, B2. He goes by JJ.” 

“He’s alive?” Luca asked. “And free?” 

“Yeah, he tried to steal our ship.” Yuuri shook his head. “I think you know my husband too.” 

“Huh?”

“His name is Viktor. I think… JJ seemed to think that B1 couldn’t be alive, but I think that might be Viktor.” 

“B1 and I got out at the same time,” Luca said, his voice quiet. “My memories are still foggy. I don’t really know what they did to me, but I think my memories were covered up to let me grow up normally. The same probably happened to B1. But I know what B2 means. B1’s mind was always the loudest of the five of us. We’re all connected mentally, but B1 is one of the few I could feel from far away. I don’t feel him anymore.” 

“But Viktor… he had dreams just like JJ did. He told me about them. He described a boy who JJ said was you, was B4. Could anyone other than the five of you have those sorts of dreams?”

Luca shook his head, “I don’t know for sure. There’s a lot about this stuff that I don’t know. They never told us much.” 

“He has platinum blond hair and blue eyes. He’s pale. He has an infectious smile. He often overworks himself and tends to hold everything inside even if he pretends everything is okay.”

“I mean, I don’t know about those last few things…” Luca shook his head again. “That description though… that sounds like him. Back then he was tall for his age and at first, his eyes sparkled. It wasn’t long into our training that he lost it. They took him away and when he came back, he was different.” Luca sighed, looking at his lap. “Maybe your Viktor is B1.”

Suddenly it seemed too real and Yuuri mind tried to come up with reasons that couldn’t be true. 

“But I’ve seen baby photos of Viktor. His parents… I know his parents and they’ve shown me pictures from his childhood. Maybe I’m wrong. I have to be wrong.”

Luca laughed, “You think they can’t photoshop convincing pictures? My parents did. They did everything they could to construct a normal life for me. I really thought I was a normal kid who’d gotten an unfortunate illness in my youth. Then the military… they took me away from everything and they tore away the coverings on those memories and everything was back. It’s fuzzy, muddy even, but it’s there. It’s clearer than a lot of my memories from after being saved.”

“Viktor…” The feeling that this was all too much started to return to Yuuri.

“Yuuri, I’m sorry, but if your Viktor is really B1, I don’t think I can help you,” Luca said. “I want to help, but if I come along I’ll probably just give you away. They know me too well.” 

“I understand,” Yuuri said, even if he’d been hoping Luca would come along. “But where will you go?”

“I just want to go home.”

“Well, you can’t fly a ship,” Yuri pointed out as he walked over to enter the conversation. “Didn’t you say you were a strategist.”

“Yeah… and yeah, I can’t fly.”

“Here,” Yuri handed him the long range communicator. “I’ll make another one for me, but for now you can use this to contact us. You can help us with strategy from here. You stay on this ship and once we save Viktor, we’ll take you back to Chris’ bar. How does that sound?” 

Luca looked at the communicator and then nodded. 

“That sounds great. I want to help.” 

“Then that’s the plan,” Yuri responded with a smile as the communicator came to life. “Oops, sorry, I still need that.” 

Luca laughed and handed it back before turning to look at Yuuri. 

“B1– Viktor and I were saved from that place by some good people, but Viktor is the reason I got out. He only had time to find one of us after he received the message from those people and he got me. I don’t know why he chose me and maybe there wasn’t a reason, but if I can help return the favor, I want to help.” 

“I’m glad to hear it.” Yuuri leaned over and gave Luca a tight hug. “I’m going to save Viktor then I’ll get you back home.” 

Luca laughed a little and returned the hug, “Sounds good.” 

\---

Yuri waited at the doors as the Potya’s shuttle connected with their stolen ship. He hated the way he’d broken down earlier, but he thought that maybe Mila had been right to point out that they should all learn to talk. 

He’d been taught that a captain had to be cool and collected. He learned a captain had to keep their crew together and shouldn’t show doubt. It had never been said, but he had been taught that his feelings weren’t supposed to be known to his crew. 

But, he reasoned, there were a lot of bad lessons that he’d been taught. Even Lilia and Yakov had given him bad advice. Even his grandpa had said things that weren’t true. 

So maybe it was as good a time as any to try and change. They were light years beyond anything they knew and maybe they needed to learn how to share the things they felt. 

The first thing he’d do when he got back on the Potya was to get the ship on track for the planet where they were holding Viktor. Then he’d have to apologize to Otabek for all the wrong he’d done and for everything he’d said. Then maybe he’d try talking to Mila about some of the things he was feeling. Or maybe Sara would be a better place to start. 

He’d figure it out and maybe he didn’t need to figure it out now. Maybe he didn’t need to figure it out alone.

The doors opened and Yuri stepped onto the shuttle, looking around for a moment as the shuttle’s pilot stood. Yuri paused for a few moments, confused and lost as his mind slowly processed the fact that the shuttle’s pilot wasn’t Sara. 

“Sara wanted to stay on the ship,” Otabek explained, facing Yuri but not looking at him. “She asked me to get you guys.” 

Yuri sputtered for a moment before deciding to rearrange his plan of action as he took a few, long steps toward Otabek. Throwing his arms around Otabek’s neck, he pulled him into a tight hug. Despite Otabek being shorter than him, Yuri managed to lean over enough to bury his face in Otabek’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

“Yura–”

“Beka, let me finish,” Yuri commanded. “I’m sorry for leaving you behind. I’m sorry for treating you like a child or like extra baggage. I’m sorry for not being better at talking about my feelings. I’m sorry that I couldn’t…” Yuri took a long breath. “You were right, but I didn’t want you to be right. From now on, we’ll do things together.”

“I’m glad,” Otabek responded. “And I’m sorry too.”

“Huh?”

Otabek returned Yuri’s hug, mirroring Yuri’s position by leaning his face into Yuri’s shoulder. It wasn’t comfortable since Yuri was pretty much all bones and other sharp angles, but it still felt right. 

“I knew why you felt the way you did, but I chose to be angry. I shouldn’t have let you leave while we were fighting.” 

“Maybe we’re both kind of stupid,” Yuri laughed. “I did the same thing that I lectured Phichit about not that long ago.” 

“History repeats itself, I guess,” Otabek laughed, not letting go of Yuri. 

“Let’s not make the same mistakes. Not anymore,” Yuri responded quietly, tightening his grip on Otabek. “My grandparents and also Yakov and Lilia. That whole crew. They tried to do something good past the Edge and they did. They saved two lives. My grandpa helped save four more before he was part of that crew. But that was all. They stayed and they watched and they waited. Everyone just keeps watching and waiting.”

“Not us,” Otabek insisted. “Let’s be young and stupid and change the universe.”

“Okay,” Yuri agreed, reluctantly pulling away from Otabek. “Let’s do it.”

They were close to the end of their journey and Yuri didn’t know what would come after that, but with his crew and Yuuri and Otabek, he suspected that the after could just be great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late post. I was planning to work really hard on it this week and then I didn't....... Also, I was going to work so hard this weekend and then the new Haikyuu chapter came out and it nearly gave me a heart-attack because of the sheer amount of bokuaka material and all I wanted to do was work on my haikyuu fics.......
> 
> Like is usual these days, I'm sorry for how poorly edited this is. I just wanted to get it up and I didn't have much time or energy left. When I finish this fic I'll probably go back and start the long editing process, but we'll see. Those early chapters are pretty rough in my opinion and if I start editing them, there's a chance I'll end up rewriting them :P 
> 
> FYI the next chapter marks the beginning of the finale so... jesus I can't believe how far we've come... 
> 
> Thank you for all your continued support! In the nearish future I'll be posting some more stuff on my ko-fi page (mostly sketches of blueprints for the various places they've been recently) so [Check out my page!](https://ko-fi.com/V7V7JXKK) If you haven't already checked it out, there are already two posts related to this fic there.


	34. Not A New Chapter - Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just an update!

I have been trying to finish the next chapter in time to post it, but there's no way that's going to happen. This week has been really busy and I didn't have much time to work on this fic.

I don't know when the next chapter will be ready. I hope to have it ready by next Sunday (3/3), but I think I may have to take two weeks (3/10).

I'm sorry about this, but this is the finale and I have a lot of threads to pull together, so this is taking longer than expected. 

Thank you for being patient! I'll try and have this finished ASAP!

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to support me, head over to [My Tumblr ](http://mismatched-ideas.tumblr.com/) for more information!


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